Gilded Age Etiquette of “Not at Home”

  “Not at home” is all-sufficient explanation, provided always that a servant is able to give a direct answer at once of “Not at home” when the query is put to him… – Mr. Hefty was not pleased to see unexpected guests, when Mrs. Astor literally was, “Not at home.”
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William Ryall as Mrs. Astor’s butler, “Mr. Hefty” with Nathan Lane’s “Ward Mc Allister,” in HBO’s The Gilded Age – Photo source HBO

A mistress of a house should inform her servant after or before luncheon, or before the hours for calling, whether she intends to be “at home” to visitors or not during the afternoon. 

“Not at home” is the understood formula expressive of not wishing to see visitors. “Not at home” is not intended to imply an untruth, but rather to signify that for some reason, or reasons, it is not desirable to see visitors; and as it would be impossible to explain to acquaintances, the why and the wherefore of its being inconvenient to receive visitors, the formula of “Not at home” is all-sufficient explanation, provided always that a servant is able to give a direct answer at once of “Not at home” when the query is put to him. 

If a servant is not sure as to whether his mistress wishes to see visitors or not, it is almost a direct offense to the lady calling if he hesitates as to his answer, and leaves her either sitting in her carriage or standing in the hall, while He will see if his mistress is “At home,” perhaps returning with the unsatisfactory answer that she is “Not at home;” in which case the intimation is almost received as a personal exclusion rather than as a general exclusion of visitors.

If a lady is dressing to go out when a visitor calls, the servant can mention that fact to a visitor calling, and offer to ascertain if his mistress will see the caller; and the caller should use her own discretion as to whether she will allow him to do so or not; but unless the visit is one of importance, it would be best in such a case only to leave. – From “Manners and Rules of Good Society,” 1873

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