Gilded Age Etiquette of Bachelors and Servants

Many bachelors hire some middle-aged woman who not only does the cooking, but takes care of the apartment, valets him, and waits at table when he has guests to dinner. Others employ a man to look after them, who is valet and general factotum, and others again, with larger establishments, a man and wife. The former does the valeting, the waiting, and is steward and butler, while the woman attends to the cooking and laundry. 

A Bachelor’s Servants

As soon as a bachelor begins to branch out a little and to have an apartment or a house or a country establishment, though the latter be only a fishing or a hunting box, he must hire servants. The general servant is perhaps the one most universally employed. 

Many bachelors hire some middle-aged woman who not only does the cooking, but takes care of the apartment, valets him, and waits at table when he has guests to dinner. Others employ a man to look after them, who is valet and general factotum, and others again, with larger establishments, a man and wife. The former does the valeting, the waiting, and is steward and butler, while the woman attends to the cooking and laundry. 

There are quite a number of bachelor households of this description in our large cities, the occupants being several in number and clubbing together. One is appointed treasurer, and the butler and cook are hired at a stated price and receive a certain sum for catering. When good servants of this kind are found they are treasures.

All menservants should be clean shaven. A short bit of side whiskers—à la mutton chop—is allowed; but under no circumstances should they have bearded faces or wear a mustache. Their linen and attire should be faultless. In the treatment of servants a man must exercise an iron will. He can be kind and considerate, but he must never descend to dispute with one, and certainly not swear at him. To be on familiar terms with one’s servants shows the cloven foot of vulgarity.

Discharge a servant at once when he is disrespectful or when he is careless in his duties or in his conduct. When asking for anything there is no necessity of forgetting the elements of true politeness, nor is it a blot on your deportment to utter a civil “thank you” for a service performed. All servants should address you as “Sir,” and when called should reply “Yes, sir,” and certainly not “All right.” Your menservants touch their hats to you on receiving orders in the open, on being addressed, and upon your appearance. 

Encourage your servants now and then by a kind word, and see that they have good and wholesome food, clean and comfortable quarters. Once in a while give them a holiday, or an evening off, a cash remembrance at Christmas, and from time to time, some part of your wardrobe or cast-off clothing. They are just like children, and must be treated with the rigor and mild discipline which a schoolmaster uses toward his pupils. In all their movements they should be noiseless and as automatic as possible in their actions.

And now for particular servants hired by a bachelor:

The groom is, with the exception of the general servant, the first domestic likely to be in the employ of an unmarried man of moderate means. When a bachelor becomes a horse owner he can never be too particular about his turnouts and his liveries. The groom in the city or at a fashionable watering place should have two liveries—one for dress occasions and the other for what is known as a “stable suit.” The latter, which is a simple English tweed or whipcord, made with a cutaway coat of the same material, will answer perfectly well for the country, where it is ridiculous to have elaborate liveries. A square brown Derby is worn with this suit, brown English driving gloves, and a white plastron or coachman's scarf. This flat scarf is the badge of distinction between the house and stable servant. 

No tie pin nor trinkets of any description should be allowed servants. The best dress livery is a frock coat, single-breasted, of kersey, the color of your livery; white buckskin riding breeches, top boots, top hat, white plastron, standing collar, and brown driving gloves. One distinctive color should be used, not only for your liveries but also for your traps, as well as one kind of harness. The cockade on the hat is the privilege abroad of ambassadors; it is bad form. 

Besides the care of your horse or horses, your groom must be a species of outside general servant, ready to go on errands or attend to the numerous duties of a manservant about a country place. By no means can he be substituted for a valet, a butler, or an indoor servant. 

When he brings your trap to the door he holds the animals’ heads until you are seated, when he touches his hat and lets go the reins. If he is to sit behind in the trap he must hold himself upright with folded arms. He alights immediately the trap is stopped, running all errands, and holding the horses until the drive is resumed. He sometimes accompanies his master when the latter rides. He brings his horse to the door and holds it until the mount. He follows, occasionally, on another horse at a respectful distance. 

Should you be wealthy enough to have also a coachman, your groom can act as second man on the box. A coachman’s dress livery consists of a double-breasted long coachman's coat, top boots, and buckskin breeches, white flat plastron, high collar and top hat, and brown driving gloves. When both servants are employed the groom is under the orders of the coachman as regards the stable work.

The Valet— Of course, a valet is a luxury. A man can valet himself very easily, and if the instructions given in the chapters on the Care of Clothes and The Toilet are followed carefully, I hardly think that you would need such a personage. A woman can be perfectly trained to valet a man. Your general servant can also, and is required to fill this position. 

If you live at a club the club valet will attend to your clothes, and perform the duties of a private servant. There are “valeting companies” organized in many large cities, which take entire charge of your wardrobe, and again there are valets who are hired by several men clubbing together, and who are very capable servants. The individual valet, however, is a very valuable aid to a young bachelor of wealth, especially if he is a man of leisure, or if he goes out a great deal in society. 

A valet’s duties are first and principally the entire charge of his master's wardrobe and toilet, the details of which have been given in previous chapters. They begin an hour or so before the master rises, when clothes are to be pressed and put in order, boots and shoes to be polished and placed on their trees, and the costume of the day to be made ready. If possible, a small room is provided for him as his workshop.

At the hour for rising, the valet enters his master's room very quietly, and, if he is awake, pulls up the shades and lets in the daylight. The bath is then prepared, and while that is being taken the newspapers, mail, and breakfast tray are brought in, and the valet waits for orders. Some men require their valets to shave them, but the majority simply intrust the care of their razors to them, preferring to perform that operation themselves. 

The valet assists his master in dressing, and, when the toilet is finished, ties or buttons the boots, arranges the spats, and gives a final brush to the clothes. He then fetches the stick, gloves, and hat. During the day he may be employed on errands, in answering tradespeople, in paying bills, or in any minor occupations of that kind. A first-class servant of this character should not only be steward but secretary. When writing letters for his master he should write them in the third person, and also sign them “Respectfully yours, John Smith, valet.”

A valet is told of the engagements of the day, and has the clothes arranged accordingly, and he must be at his post. In the evening the dress suit is laid out, with choice of ties and two coats, the formal and informal, or Tuxedo. A valet must be at the rooms when his master retires. 

In traveling he takes care of the luggage, tickets, and all the little annoying details. He travels second class abroad, and in this country he should never be allowed to be a passenger in a drawing-room car with his master. The valet wears no livery. He dresses quietly in a plain sack suit of dark material, and wears a Derby hat. Should he be required to wait on table, he dresses in semi-livery if the affair is a luncheon, and in evening dress if it is a dinner.

The Butler– The butler is a very rare functionary in a bachelor's establishment, only the wealthiest being able to afford him. The valet or general servant acts as butler, and when in this position he should always have a black coat on when answering the bell.

I have used the terms throughout this chapter of “master” and “servant.” Employer and employee are correct only when the relations between the two persons are not of a domestic character.

The most fashionable and efficient menservants are of English, Scotch, or Irish birth or descent. Japanese make excellent valets. Colored coachmen and grooms are not the vogue in New York or vicinity, but they are seen in the South. Very wealthy bachelors have introduced a fad for East Indian servants, but at present only a few of these have been employed, and those at Newport. — The Complete Bachelor, by Walter Germain, 1896

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Code of Table Manners

Dinners are generally served à la Russe—that is, from the sideboard, and the dishes are passed around by the servants on silver trays. Very large plates, such as roasts and fish, are sometimes carried without the trays. On all occasions of ceremony the men servants are gloved.

A Code of Table Manners

Many of the cautions contained in this chapter will seem elementary in their nature. But one expects in a book of this kind to see the old familiar “don'ts,” and their absence would perhaps deter from the usefulness of “The Complete Bachelor.” I would, however, suggest a careful study of that clever brochure, entitled “Don't,” which would refresh the memory on many points not within the scope of this work.

It is really quite surprising to see how few men have perfect table manners. The American is unfortunately too often in a hurry. He bolts his food. He is a victim of the “quick-lunch” system. Again, a bachelor eating a solitary meal at a club or a restaurant is apt from sheer loneliness to try and dispose of it as rapidly as possible. Drill yourself into eating leisurely. Persons of refinement take only small morsels at a time. One can not be too dainty at table.

To attempt to talk while your mouth is full is another vulgarity upon which it is needless to dwell. The French have made us the reproach that we frequently drink while our mouths are in this condition. I fear there is some foundation for this accusation. Wipe your mouth carefully before putting a glass to your lips. Grease stains around the edge of a goblet or wineglass are silent but telltale witnesses of careless habits.

The napkin is an embarrassing article to many men. Its place is on the lap and not tucked into the shirt bosom or festooned around the neck. When one arises from the table, the napkin is thrown carelessly on it, unfolded. The days of napkin rings are over.

Nervous and bashful persons fidget, they do not sit squarely or firmly at table, their chairs are crooked, they play or gesticulate with their knives and forks, or they beat dismal tattoos with them against their plates. These same timid minds find vent for inspiration in the crumbs of the bread, of which they involuntarily make little figures or small round balls.

The economist, another person on the list, plasters his food, taking a bit of potato, a little tomato, and a good-sized square of meat as a foundation, and spreading these tidbits one on the other, prepares of them a delectable poultice which he swallows at a mouthful. I pass over the man who leaves traces of each meal on his shirt or his clothes. Such a being, I have no doubt, would convey food to his mouth with his knife, would blow on his soup, tea, or coffee with the idea of cooling it, or would pour the two latter cheering fluids into a saucer and drink them therefrom.

The caution to keep one’s hands above the cloth and one's elbows out of reach of others, also falls under the head of kindergarten classification. The ridiculous idea prevailing that one must not eat until others are served has passed away with many old-time fallacies. One commences to eat as soon as served. You need not proceed very actively, but you can take up your fork or spoon, as the case may be, and make at least a feint at it.

Toasts have also fallen into “désuétude” at private dinners. Sometimes you will find an old-fashioned host who will, on touching his glass with his lips, bow to his guests, and they may wait for this signal to sip their wine, but the custom is utterly obsolete in large cities and at formal dinners.

When you have finished the course, lay your knife and fork side by side on your plate, the prongs of the fork upward. Do not cross them. No whistlike signals are needed to-day to signify that you have had sufficient to eat.

Dinners are generally served à la Russe—that is, from the sideboard, and the dishes are passed around by the servants on silver trays. Very large plates, such as roasts and fish, are sometimes carried without the trays. On all occasions of ceremony the men servants are gloved.

Carving at table is but little seen except at very informal dinners and in the country, where sometimes the master of the house shows off this old-fashioned accomplishment, especially if he has a dining room in colonial style and wishes to have everything in keeping.

The question of second helpings is therefore not one of moment. The servants pass the viands twice or more around. If a host or hostess serves at table, he or she will ask the guests whether they would like a second helping. It is never demanded. Except when absolutely necessary, the handkerchief should be kept out of sight. It can be used in case there should be some sudden irritation of the skin, but to blow one’s nose at table is disgusting.

The American bachelor takes usually a very light first meal. It consists of tea, coffee, or cocoa, toast, eggs, oatmeal, and fruit. There are yet a few men who go in for the old-fashioned hearty breakfast with beefsteak, buckwheat cakes, and trimmings, but in cities the lighter meal is preferable. All this is, of course, more a matter of environment and hygiene than etiquette. — The Complete Bachelor, by Walter Germain, 1896

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilde Age Food and Drink Etiquette

“The menu of to-day is simple. It consists of oysters or clams, according to season, soup, fish, entrée, roast and vegetables, game and salad, ices and dessert… In New Orleans, boiled shrimps are often served at small dinners. The skins and heads are on, and you remove these with your fingers. After this course, finger bowls with orange leaves are passed around, and the perfume of the water will remove the odor of fish from your fingers.”

I have compiled a list of certain viands, which society does require should be eaten at a special meal and in only one manner…

Breakfast and Luncheon Dishes

Eggs —It is much better form to have egg cups than egg glasses for boiled eggs. Cut the top of the egg off with a dexterous blow of a sharp knife and eat it in the shell with a small egg spoon.

Sugar —Lump sugar if served is always taken with the sugar tongs.

Butter —Butter is only served at breakfast or luncheon. It is passed around in a silver dish, with a little silver pick with which to spear it. Butter plates—i. e., the small round silver or china affairs—have given place to bread and butter plates, which are of china and are somewhat larger than an ordinary saucer. The butter plate of a few years ago was never seen outside of America, and is now destined to vanish from our tables. It is needless to add that butter is never served at dinner.

Radishes —Radishes appear at luncheon. Put them on your bread and butter plate and eat them with a little salt.

Cantaloupes are served cut in half and filled with ice. They are eaten as a first course, a fork being better to eat them with than a spoon. Salt is the condiment to use with them, but sugar is allowable. In southern climates they are sometimes served at dinner as a separate course between the fish and roast. This is a Creole custom.

Grape fruit is served as a first course (vide chapter Diner-Out) at a late breakfast or luncheon. It is eaten with a spoon.

Dinner

The menu of to-day is simple. It consists of oysters or clams, according to season, soup, fish, entrée, roast and vegetables, game and salad, ices and dessert. Sorbets or frozen punches are not served, except at public banquets and hotel table-d'hôtes.

Oysters or clams are placed on the table in plates for the purpose before dinner is announced. They are imbedded in ice and arranged around a half-sliced lemon, which is in the middle of the plate. Oysters or clams are eaten with a fork only. Gourmets say that they should not even be cut with it, and should be swallowed whole. I would not advise any one to try this with large oysters. The oyster fork is the first in the number of the implements placed beside your plate. Condiments, such as pepper and salt, will be passed you. Sauterne is served with oysters.

Oyster cocktails have been in vogue in place of oysters. These are a mixture of the bivalve with Tabasco sauce and vinegar, and they are said to be excellent appetizers. They are eaten with a small fork from cocktail glasses. Bachelors frequently serve them in place of oysters.

Soup —At large and formal dinners a clear soup is in vogue. Your soup spoon will be on the knife side of your plate. Soup is eaten from the side and not from the end of the spoon. The motion of the hand guiding the spoon is toward and not from you. Take soup in small spoonfuls, and use your napkin in wiping your mouth and mustache after each, especially if the soup is thick or a purée. This will avoid the dripping of that liquid from your upper lip. Never after this operation throw your napkin back into your lap with the greasy side toward your clothes, but use the inside of it for this purpose.

Fish is eaten with a silver fish fork. Chasing morsels of fish around your plate with bits of bread is obsolete. Silver fish knives have been put in use, but they are not generally the vogue.

Cucumbers are served with fish on the same plate. Little plates or saucers for cucumbers, vegetables, or salads are bad form.

Sherry is served with fish.

Celery, olives, and salted almonds are placed on the table in small dishes. Sometimes the guests are asked to help themselves, but at formal dinners they are passed around after the fish. Celery is eaten with the fingers and dipped in a little salt placed on the tablecloth or on the edge of your plate. It is also served as an entrée raw, the stalks stuffed with Parmesan cheese. It should then be eaten with a fork.

Entrées require a fork only. Among these are patties, rissoles, croquettes, and sweetbreads.

Mushrooms are eaten with a fork, and served as a separate course in lieu of an entrée.

Terrapin is served sometimes in little silver saucepans either as an entrée or as fish, and again in a chafing dish, and sometimes with salad. It is more of a supper than a dinner plate, and should be eaten with a fork.

Asparagus is eaten, except in the intimate privacy of your own family circle, with a fork. Cut the points off with the end of the prongs. The stalk or white part is not eaten. It is allowable to eat it with your fingers, as I have said, in private. It is served after the roast as a special course. One can not drink champagne with asparagus except at the risk of a severe headache.

Artichokes are served as a separate course after the roast. They should be placed in the center of your plate and the inside tips of the leaves alone eaten. The leaves are removed with the fingers and dipped in salt, sauce vinaigrette, or melted butter. The center of the artichoke is called the heart. The hairy part is removed with the fork, and the heart itself, which is deliciously tender, is conveyed to the mouth with the fork.

Champagne is served in small tumblers or claret glasses. The champagne stem glasses are out of fashion. The dry may be served from the fish to the close of dinner, but the old rule was to give it with the roast, claret with the entrée, and Burgundy with the game.

Salad is eaten with a fork only. In cutting game or poultry, the bone of either wing or leg should not be touched with the fingers, but the meat cut close off. It is better to sever the wing at the joint.

Savories, a species of salt fish and cheese sandwich, is served in England hot, about the end of dinner. They should be eaten with a fork. Undressed salad is sometimes served with them, or radishes, butter, and cheese. This is the only occasion when one sees butter on a dinner table, and this at informal dinners. The salad undressed can be eaten with the fingers. At bachelor dinners and at luncheons cheese is served with salad. The French soft cheeses are the favorites.

Pastry, ices, and desserts are eaten with a fork.

Fruit, such as peaches, pears, and apples, are served frequently already pared. When this is the case, finger bowls are dispensed with, but as yet this is not a general rule. Usually at dessert there is placed before you a finger glass and doily and a dessert plate, with the dessert knife and fork on either side. Remove the glass and doily; put it in front of your plate a little to the right. Fruit must be pared or peeled with a silver knife.

Strawberries are now served with the stems on, and sugar and cream are passed around and are taken on your dessert plate.

Pineapples are eaten with a fork. 

A cracker is used for nuts, and silver picks are brought in with the dessert.

Corn on the cob is a favorite at small informal dinners as a separate course. In polite society you must remove the grains of the corn with your fork or your knife and fork, and never eat it off the cob holding the end with your fingers. By holding one end with your napkin, you can plow down the furrow of the grains with your fork, and you will find that they will fall off easily. Corn is always served, when given in this style, on a white napkin. You help yourself to the ear with your fingers.

Macaroni and spaghetti should only be eaten with a fork. 

In New Orleans boiled shrimps are often served at small dinners. The skins and heads are on, and you remove these with your fingers. After this course, finger bowls with orange leaves are passed around, and the perfume of the water will remove the odor of fish from your fingers.

Black coffee is served after dinner. Milk or cream does not accompany it, except in the country, where sometimes a little silver pitcher of cream is placed on the tray. Coffee is drunk from small cups. 

Coffee and milk are never served during dinner, nor again is iced milk. These are barbarisms. 

Chartreuse, kümmel, curaçoa, and cognac are the liqueurs usually served after dinner.

Claret, in many French families, especially those of the middle class, is placed on the table in decanters. You are expected to help yourself. There are also carafons or decanters of water to mix with the wine. The claret decanters are called carafes. Claret is drunk at the twelve o'clock déjeuner, as well as at dinner.

Tea is passed around in old-fashioned English houses about an hour after dinner. In some places buttered muffins accompany it, but this extra refreshment is only seen now in very old-fashioned houses.

Scotch whisky and hot water or mineral waters are served in country houses before bedtime. — The Complete Bachelor, by Walter Germain, 1896

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Etiquette for Family Dining

“Serviette Complete” — Popular publications like Godey's Lady's Book often included tips on etiquette and entertaining, including instructions like these on elaborate napkin folding. From "Dinner Serviettes," Godey's Lady's Book (Philadelphia) 88, no. 525 (March 1874), Special Collections, Michigan State University Libraries.

Finger bowls are not a general institution, and they seem to be quite as needful as the napkin, for the fingers are also liable to become a little soiled in eating. They can be had quite cheaply, and should be half filled with water and placed upon the side table, or butler's tray, with the dessert, bread and cheese, etc. They are passed to each person when the dessert is placed upon the table. A leaf or two of sweet verbena, an orange flower, or a small slice of lemon, is usually put into each bowl, to rub upon the fingers. The slice of lemon is most commonly used. The finger tips are slightly dipped into the bowl, the lemon juice is squeezed upon them, and then they are dried softly upon the napkin. At dinner parties and luncheons, they are indispensable.

In many families there is no waitress, then everything should be placed upon the table before the family are called, and the dessert can be put on a little table at your right. Always make your eldest daughter set the table, and do it neatly. Lay the cloth straight, and put the salt cellar and the butter plate, with the tumbler or cup, at the right hand of each person. Have crocheted macramé twine mats to keep the table cloth from being soiled, and at the head and foot of the table place a napkin cornerwise to the centre, or straight as one prefers. This will prove a great saving of table cloths, and the napkins can be retrieved often. 

Then tell her to look carefully over the table to see that not one thing is omitted. Look at your place, and see that there are enough cups and saucers placed neatly at the left hand, for breakfast or tea, and that the sugar bowl is well filled, and the cream and milk pitcher are prepared for use. Have a stand of metal at the right hand, to hold the coffee or tea pots, and the water pot, and a spoon cup should be placed beside the sugar bowl, with the tea spoons and sugar spoon in it. Also see that the carving knife, fork and steel are laid beyond the plates at your husband's seat. And have these plates well heated, and all the food as hot as possible. It is a decided annoyance to have this child, or that one, asked to leave the table to procure needed appliances, that ought to have been upon it.— From “Hints Upon Etiquette and Good Manners,” In Ladies Home Journal, by Mrs. S.O. Johnston, 1886

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Dining Aesthetics Etiquette

Decorative arrangements of food were the height of fashion at elite tables in the Gilded Age, such as this dish of diced, sugared pineapple surrounded by slices of sponge cake. Henderson recommended this elaborate arrangement not only for its aesthetic value, but also because otherwise she found imported pineapples which often arrived in the American Northeast the worse for wear to be tough and tasteless. From Mrs. Mary F. Henderson, Practical Cooking and Dinner Giving (New York: Harper and Bros., 1877), 339, Special Collections, Michigan State University Libraries

Growing material prosperity meant that some people had the luxury to think more about food's visual aesthetics than ever before. For instance, Mrs. Peter White advised soaking pickles with grape leaves to turn them green, or adding a whopping half pound of turmeric to turn them yellow. Mary Henderson commented that raw oysters served in a block of ice created “a pretty effect in the gas-light.” Food and entertaining writers also obsessed over the importance of a clean, appealing table. “Too much can not be said as to the pleasant effect of a dinner,” Henderson wrote, “when the table-linen is of spotless purity, and the dishes and silver are perfectly bright.” Dietary reformers studying poor American eating eagerly praised one family that, under their influence, began setting their table with a white tablecloth, in contrast to other “slovenly and shiftless” families whose lack of civilization, as reformers saw it, was reflected in their lack of interest “in the appearance of their homes and tables.”

Another aesthetic consideration was noise, and middle-class writers believed the less of it the better. Etiquette writers condemned loud breathing, noisy chewing, and slurping of any kind, and they reminded diners not to clatter their silverware or scrape their chairs. Herrick praised a restaurant for its “noiseless serving,” while Henderson suggested that a thick mat should be placed under the tablecloth to muffle the sound of moving dishes and that servants should wear slippers to minimize the sound of their footfalls. Commentators prized quiet at the table because it indicated that eaters were self-controlled and servants were well trained. — From “Food in the American Gilded Age,” Edited by Helen Zoe Veit

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Italian Place-Setting Etiquette for Wines

A semi-formal place setting example from the new Italian etiquette book, by Petra Carsetti and Carlo Cambi,
“GalaTime: it is always time for good manners”!

Taking as a reference the arrangement assumed by sommeliers (now more in vogue and certainly more used today) it must be specified that the water glass is placed in front of the tip of the main knife because it is a simple tumbler and has no stem: a low glass (that's why in the front row) which will be followed by the second-order glasses of service, starting therefore from those for the white and then for the reds (gradually more and more structured). 

In this case, in order to better enhance the organoleptic properties of the wines and their scents, glasses of different shapes and sizes are set, both for whites and reds such as tulip or balloon (the latter must be placed at the table at the time of serving the specific wine and not before). If you follow the rules of the sommelier, the “battery” of the glasses should be made up of at least six different containers for the wine (which must not be set all together but with a maximum of 3 glasses.) – Translated from “Galatime,” by Petra Carsetti and Carlo Cambi

Petra Carsetti was born into a gastronomic minded family… true lovers of excellent foods and wines. From an early age she showed a great passion for the table, which she later developed by working in important, well-known Italian restaurants. Since 2005, she has written many books on food and wine, along with guides to Italian restaurants, specializing also in galateo and etiquette at the Accademia Italiana Galateo and ANCEP (the Association of Ceremonialists for Public Institute). She teaches etiquette in schools to adults and children, is a consultant for various political and economic authorities, and she has a weekly column in a historic newspaper. She also writes for various other newspapers, and in September she will come out with her new book, “GalaTime: it is always time for good manners”!

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Table Manners for Connoisseur Kids

Just in Time for Thanksgiving Dinner…
Jennifer L. Scott is the New York Times bestselling author of Lessons from Madame Chic, At Home with Madame Chic and Polish Your Poise with Madame Chic, Mademoiselle Chic, and Connoisseur Kids. She is also the creator of the blog and YouTube channel, The Daily Connoisseur, where she explores the fine art of living.
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Etiquipedia will be posting more of this charming and gifted author’s work in the coming weeks and months. In the meantime, you can learn more about Jennifer at www.jenniferlscott.com

Using a Fork, Knife, and Spoon

Did you know that people in different parts of the world use their fork and knife differently? 

In America, people hold their forks in their right hand while eating. If you are going to cut your food, you move your fork to your left hand, place the tines (the sharp, pointy parts) down, and cut with a knife in your right hand. After cutting your food, you switch the fork to your right hand and resume eating.

In Europe, people always hold their fork, tines down, in their left hand and their knife in their right hand, not letting go of either for the duration of the meal. No matter how you use your knife and fork, there are a few mannerly rules to remember:

Avoid waving your knife and fork around while you are talking. Keep them low to your plate.

Always use your fork or spoon unless you are eating finger foods like a cheeseburger and fries. Even though it might be faster to eat mac 'n' cheese with your hands, for example, always use a fork or spoon. Then you won't get sauce all over your fingers.

When you are finished eating your entire meal, place the knife and fork side by side on your plate in the 11 o'clock position (as if on a clock).

- Connoisseur KidsActivity -

Family Table Manners Challenge

You've learned a lot of tips on how to have great manners at the dinner table. This week, involve your entire family. Each weekday, you will focus on one skill.

Monday: good posture
Tuesday: proper napkin use 

Wednesday: using your silverware correctly 

Thursday: trying a new food 

Friday: improving your conversation skills

Every night, announce the subject that you will all be focusing on. This isn't just for you; it's for Mom and Dad, too! As you move on to each new day, don't lose the skills you practiced the day before. In other words, by Friday, when you are working on your conversation skills, you will also be sitting with good posture, placing your napkin in your lap, and using your silverware correctly. Soon these good table manners will just naturally radiate from you!

Mealtimes are some of the most special times of the day. They are a chance to bond with your family members, nourish your body, and relax and unwind. When everyone uses their best manners at the table, the experience is even more enjoyable. (Remember, the more you practice, the more naturally they will come to you, and soon, you won't think twice about doing them.) – From “Connoisseur Kids: Etiquette, Manners, and Living Well for Parents and Their Little Ones,” by Jennifer L. Scott, 2019

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

17th C. Table Etiquette

Another innovation was the so called ‘sucket fork’ a spoon and fork combination for use with ‘wet’ or ‘dry’ sweetmeats. The suckets would have been at the individual places— Sweetmeats or Dessert Service Layout, c.1670 Photograph Jeremy Phillips for Fairfax House, York

Improvements in table layout at this time included the idea of raising some of the food onto stands. This gave the opportunity to place extra dishes on the table and created a more sumptuous and three-dimensional concept of presentation. Large footed salvers of this type were often embossed on the broad rim with repoussé decoration of fruit and flowers. The Glossographia (1661) explains their early use “in giving beer or other liquid thing to save the carpit or cloathes from drips,” but they were soon put to other uses as stands for fruits, sweetmeats or even for glass crewetts. They were often fashioned by re-working old plate and it seems to be the case for this elaborate stand from Norwich Castle Museum.

Another innovation was the so called ‘sucket fork’ a spoon and fork combination for use with ‘wet’ or ‘dry’ sweetmeats. This set of five by John Smith, London, c. 1680 is a rare survival, as are the superb candlesticks by Jacob Bodendick, 1677. It was at the end of the meal that the candles were lit for the dessert course and whilst table candlesticks from the Restoration period survive in numbers, none are more majestic and innovative with their square fluted sockets, gadrooned square bases and cushion-shaped knops on baluster stems. – From “British Cutlery, An Illustrated History of Design, Evolution and Use,” York Civic Trust, 2001 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Early 20th C. Baby Shower Etiquette

“The baby shower should be held two or three weeks after the tiny person's arrival. Clothes are usually presented-tiny booties, lace caps, dainty little frocks, and petticoats.” – Early 20th C. baby showers were recommended for after the baby’s birth, as the infant mortality rate was high and many birth defects are now caught and treated early.

Bridal showers have inspired fashionable women to give baby showers. The home is made gay with baby pictures, tiny kewpie dolls, and a profusion of pink and blue baby bows. The gifts that the guests contribute are placed on display and everything is made in pleasing readiness for Mother and Baby.

The baby shower should be held two or three weeks after the tiny person's arrival. Clothes are usually presented-tiny booties, lace caps, dainty little frocks, and petticoats. Diaper showers are appropriate, especially when the gifts include rubber panties, diaper pins, bands, etc… 

Sometimes rattle and toy showers are given, and a recent shower-for the purpose of furnishing the nursery-included such gifts as dainty baby pictures, tiny clothes trees, a little rocking chair, a wardrobe for baby's clothes, and other similar useful gifts. The guests arrange to purchase everything together so that there will be no duplication and so that the pieces of furniture match.

Of course Mother is expected to give a tea or reception to her friends as soon as possible after the shower. — From Lillian Eichler, 1922

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Fads for Dining, Etc…

A step further than the ices in natural fruit skins, is to hang them from a small tree, which is placed on the table where the course is served and afterward carried about to each guest, who plucks the fruit from its supporting branch.

- Photo source, Pinterest

A few fashionable notes on entertaining and being entertained in May of 1892…

Following the tall goblets of a few years ago succeeded the flat tumblers of recent date. These are in turn supplanted by a medium goblet, with not more than an inch of stem and bowl, which flares slightly at the rim.

A step further than the ices in natural fruit skins, is to hang them from a small tree, which is placed on the table where the course is served and afterward carried about to each guest, who plucks the fruit from its supporting branch.

Some of the florists are showing little sedan chairs of various sizes, which, flower-trimmed and with flowers piling the doorway, are used in decorating apartments and dinner tables.

Pink poppies and cultivated oats are announced to be the favorite London table decoration this season.

Card cases are now made to match gowns, and May shoppers get confused over heliotrope as a shade in stuffs and ribbons. The hue is a deep lilac rather than the purple shade of the flower itself. – New York Times, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of a Very “Chic Lunch”

This post comes from Jennifer L. Scott’s wonderful book, “At Home with Madame Chic: Becoming a Connoisseur of Daily Life” – When she arrived at Madame Chic’s Parisian apartment as a foreign exchange student, Jennifer Scott was a casual California girl who thought sweatpants were appropriate street attire. Madame Chic took Jennifer under her wing and tutored her in the secrets of how the French elevate the little things in life to the art of living. Years later, Jennifer was back in California with a husband, two young daughters, a dog, and her first home. Every day she confronted mundane duties like folding laundry and unloading the dishwasher, and she began to think about Madame Chic’s home—how the breakfast table was set beautifully the night before, the music that always played in the background, the calm of Madame and Monsieur Chic’s ritual cocktail hour together. Jennifer wanted that life. She decided to see what would happen if she didn’t perform her chores impatiently or mindlessly, if, instead, she could live like Madame Chic…

Want a real mini vacation? Even if you only have five minutes to yourself, sit down at a clear table with good posture, silverware, a plate, and a cloth napkin and slowly enjoy your lunch. We are so rushed and wired the entire day – constantly checking our iPhones, reading the news, texting our friends, checking our Facebook status, and multitasking in our heads, that it is divine bliss to tune all of that out, even for a few minutes, and focus on replenishing our energy, nourishing our bodies, and feeding our souls. You could listen to music while you do this, if you want, but sometimes silence is the most coveted thing.

If you cannot sit at a clear table and must take lunch at your desk, turn your iPhone facedown, put your computer on sleep mode, and clear a small space for yourself. Just focus on eating your food. Eat slowly. Notice how you feel. Check in with yourself. If any problems from the day threaten to rush into your head, just send them right out. There are no problems right now. You are eating lunch. If your phone buzzes, just ignore it. If you have an impulse to go online, notice the impulse and its intensity. Don't give in. Finish your lunch completely. Take a sip of your beverage. Use your napkin. Sit for a few seconds and center yourself. Give yourself that moment. Then you can go back into the fray. Check to see who texted you. Check the latest celebrity scandal online. Send that email that's been gnawing at the back of your mind. You are back into it, but at least for those blissful few moments, you were completely out of it, in your own magical world. The world of now.

Initially this might feel uncomfortable. But I implore you, of all the concepts in this book, take this one very seriously. Have your lunch with no distractions. No TV, no cell phone, no computer. The only exception is music. Even if you haven't had a chance to check your email all day. Even if there's an article online that you've been dying to read. Don't do it while eating lunch. Try not to think about any problems. Having lunch this way will charge your battery. It will awaken you. Otherwise you will continue to dwell in the rat race of the mind. Eating lunch this way is positively decadent and very chic. – From “At Home with Madame Chic: Becoming a Connoisseur of Daily Life,” by Jennifer L. Scott, 2014

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of a Puritan Place Setting

Puritan place-setting, c.1670 — Photograph: Jeremy Phillips for Fairfax House, York

With England recovering from a long period of austere Puritanism, and the Crown reclaimed by a Monarch used to extravagance and ornament, it still took time for luxury to manifest itself again on the dining-room table.

The one exotic item in this particular assembly is the napkin, woven in Flanders with patterns of flowers, but folded in the shape of a fish, after instructions in Giles Rose's manual.

The knife and two-tine fork by Abraham Brock and spoon by Jacob Isaac could not be simpler, although there is some decoration on the Façon de Venise goblet. 

It is the monumental silver candlesticks by Jacob Bodendick, 1677, which stand out, however, resting on their spreading square base and cushion-shaped knop. Notice also how the baluster stem terminates in a square candle socket.— From “British Cutlery, An Illustrated History of Design, Evolution and Use”, York Civic Trust, 2001

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Fashionable Gilded Age Ailments

To be “sick,”  Madame would be inelegant! –

Old-time “headaches,” too, do not obtain along the fashionable line as formerly, although Madame permits herself occasionally the French migraine when she doesn’t want to do something or see somebody that she ought; and, while she is never inelegantly “sick,” she “suffers” often from insomnia, and she is frequently a victim of 

“malaria.” – 

The name “malaria” originated with the Romans. The literal meaning is “bad air” as the Romans believed that the disease was a kind of miasma that was spread in the air.

Fashionable women, albeit they are “heirs” with the rest of “flesh” to various “ills,” have a way of cloaking their maladies in the parlance of society, thus effectually separating them from the sicknesses of the common herd. A certain sort of nerves is no longer in vogue. It is not good form to scream at a mouse or shrink from a spider; that sort of thing has gone out with the pale and sensitive Pamelas of a past generation. 

Old-time “headaches,” too, do not obtain along the fashionable line as formerly, although Madame permits herself occasionally the French migraine when she doesn’t want to do something or see somebody that she ought; and, while she is never inelegantly “sick,” she “suffers” often from insomnia, and she is frequently a victim of “malaria.” After too free indulgence in the pleasures of her table, provided, as it is, with many ices, salads, and rich compounds of the chef's art, she is apt to succumb to an attack of “nervous dyspepsia” that her physician is far too polite to tell her is merely the protest of an outraged stomach.

Since we have grown so English, “gout” and an “Indian liver” are complaints sanctioned within even the most exclusive circles, although plain rheumatism and a “bilious attack” are not strictly high-class affections. What Milady especially enjoys, however, if it be not too real, is an attack of nervous prostration that demands the “rest cure,” either here or abroad, with all its accessories of a fashionable doctor, massage, electricty, et al., and final evolution into becoming tea gowns and agreeable convalescence. – New York Times, 1890

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

To the Manor Born and Table Manners

 

At its best, the eating process has in it the elements of coarseness and the most “delicate feasting” partakes of the animal side of life. No matter how simple the routine of the household may be, nor how moderate the domestic purse, it is possible, if the mistress be so educated, to have at all times a well-served and well-mannered, well-ordered table. From such are graduated children who will suffer no mortifications in after-life on the score of table etiquette…

Probably in no one way does a woman better indicate her early home life than through her table. Its service and belongings, the manners of her children, and her own demeanor show quickly if she be to the manner born. If, as it is said, it takes a hundred years to make a perfect lawn, it may also be asserted that several generations are required to produce a perfect mistress of a gentleman's board, whether she be presiding at the ordinary family meal or with guests assembled about her. The ease that can come only from a lifetime familiarity with a well-appointed table and the adjustment of herself with her surroundings, which is a part of having known no other environment, is a charm that not all hostesses possess. 

Too much care cannot be given in any family to the ethics of the dining room. At its best, the eating process has in it the elements of coarseness and the most “delicate feasting” partakes of the animal side of life. No matter how simple the routine of the household may be, nor how moderate the domestic purse, it is possible, if the mistress be so educated, to have at all times a well-served and well-mannerod, well-ordered table. From such are graduated children who will suffer no mortifications in after-life on the score of table etiquette, but who will be ready to sup with Princes and eat in the palaces of Kings at any time.– The New York Times, 1890

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Mrs. Parvenu and Carafe Etiquette

It was decidedly a Mrs. Parvenu, by the way, who, regarding her carafes in the same category as her wine bottles, placed glass stoppers in them. Decanted water is hardly to be esteemed a delicacy! – Image of modern day water carafe on a table from Petra Carsetti’s and Carlo Cambi’s, “Galatime. È sempre tempo di buone maniere”

Carafes, or water bottles, are rarely, if ever seen nowadays on fashionable private tables. They are relegated to hotels, restaurants, and other public boards. In their places are much seen at dinners low, wide-mouthed pitchers of glass in any of the decorative wares now in  vogue. The effective crackleware and the rich clouded crimson and amber hues are popular, though nothing is in better taste than cut glass in the familiar hob-nail and square-cut designs.

Four pitchers are requisite for a dinner of eight to ten persons, and they are usually sold in sets of this number. Sometimes the pitchers are of very similar shape to the vessels they supersede, and are really shallow decanters with lips. It was decidedly a Mrs. Parvenu, by the way, who, regarding her carafes in the same category as her wine bottles, placed glass stoppers in them. Decanted water is hardly to be esteemed a delicacy! – The New York Times, 1890

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of a Popular Gilded Age Cordial

Though it was served in a wine glass full of finely shaved ice in the gilded age, as opposed to a “rocks” glass, this still looks refreshing! – The agreeable manner in which this cordial now grown so popular, is taken, makes it particularly seductive, especially to women afflicted with disordered nerves and general lack of tone and vigor. To such, the temporary effect of the alcohol is naturally agreeable, and some may even delude themselves into the belief that the drink which they find so pleasant possesses medicinal and curative properties derived from the peppermint contained in it. As in the case of many of the decoctions advertised under the name of “bitters,” it is easy to form and to accept such an agreeable inference.
– Photo source, Pinterest

Crême de menthe, which has become a favorite after-dinner cordial with men, is lately very fashionable and popular at ladies’ dinners. Composed of nothing but a cordial sweetened and strongly flavored with peppermint, there is a grateful smoothness to it, when skillfully manufactured, as well as a penetrating warmth, at once soothing and stimulating to the stomach, which renders it attractive to many whom harsher alcoholic drinks would nauseate and disgust. 

This agreeable effect is heightened by the manner in which the cordial is taken, a liqueur glassful being poured over a wine glass full of finely-broken ice. Thoroughly cooled and also diluted in this way, the alcoholic body of the spirits is hardly perceptible to the taste or throat, while nevertheless diffusing its potency through the system. Some people doubtless find a pleasure even in the bright green color of the cordial, with the broken ice glistening through it– aesthetic individuals with an eye to the artistic, whose sensitive temperaments are open to the slightest effects.

But the agreeable manner in which this cordial now grown so popular, is taken, makes it particularly seductive, especially to women afflicted with disordered nerves and general lack of tone and vigor. To such, the temporary effect of the alcohol is naturally agreeable, and some may even delude themselves into the belief that the drink which they find so pleasant possesses medicinal and curative properties derived from the peppermint contained in it. As in the case of many of the decoctions advertised under the name of “bitters,” it is easy to form and to accept such an agreeable inference.

For some temporary disorders of the stomach or digestive apparatus a little peppermint at the right time is undoubtedly a good thing; but it can derange as well as cure, and in any event the alcohol is certain to do injury if taken frequently. Manufactured liquors of this kind are more injurious than the plain alcoholic sort, which, as all physicians are agreed, do no good to any person if persistently and regularly taken, and woman’s sensitive organization experiences such ill effects more readily than that of man. – The New York Times, 1890

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Presidential Wives

Benjamin Harrison was President of the United States from 1889 to 1893. His wife, Caroline Harrison, wanted new White House china that would be “symbolic and meaningful to Americans.” The First Lady, knowledgeable of the expected social graces of the day, was an artist herself. She placed the Coat of Arms of the United States in the center of the plates, and designed a goldenrod and corn motif, etched in gold around a wide band of blue. The corn represents Mrs. Harrison's home state of Indiana. Forty-four stars, one for each state at the time, make up the inner border. Mrs. Harrison directed a large-scale remodeling effort of the White House, adding a china closet to display all past Presidential china services. Her artistry made hand painting china a popular pastime for other gilded age ladies of the day.A pastime that remained popular well into the 1920’s. Caroline Harrison was not able to use the china she had ordered for the White House, however, as she died before it was delivered. The china arrived in December 1892.

The entertainments for which the wife of the President can işsue invitations are all prescribed by law. It is quite out of her power to regulate matters in this respect. Not so in the case of the Secretary's wife. True, she has to conform to the laws of official etiquette in regard to formal Wednesday receptions, several evening affairs, and the issuance of dinner invitations to certain dignitaries who may from time to time loom up on the horizon. But beyond that, she is free if she so wills it, to wine, dine, laugh, dance, and be merry with whomsoever she wills, in so far as official etiquette is concerned. 

She may resolve herself into a social whirligig if she be so minded and there is no one-barring her liege lord and master, of course– to say her nay. She may shine a star in the social firmament, with all the power that position gives, or she may at will sink into the undesirable oblivion accorded during the last Administration to the family of the Attorney General. The wife of the President can, if she so wills, get on now and then a dinner or luncheon at which the guests may be of her own personal selection, but she is sadly limited in such opportunities as compared with the wives of Cabinet officers.

The Secretary of State seems inclined to enter into the social gayeties with zest, if one may judge by the number of receptions, dinners, and informal little affairs during the afternoon at which he has already appeared. He is a good neighbor to have at the dinner table when a genial mood possesses him, and one whose conversation is not likely soon to be forgotten. Apparently he is more desirous that his family should enter more largely into the Winter's gayeties than has been the custom upon the former occasions of residence in Washington, for his avowed object in the purchase of his present residence on Lafayette-square was for its accessibility. In speaking of his house on Dupont Circle, Secre tary Blaine stated that he did not desire to live here again, as it was found when they resided there, immediately after its completion, to be too far away from the centre of the city; that he wished now to live where the friends of the family could drop in upon them informally at all hours.

Another household hardly likely to be on a very intimate footing at the White House is that of the Vice President, as beyond all question that will be the headquarters for the gay world. Upon Mrs. Morton's shoulders will fall the mantle of the Whitneys, and the magnificent entertainments given during the past four years by the Secretary of the Navy and his wife will be rivaled by those to be given during the next four years by the Vice President and his wife. It seems to be pretty generally understood that, while on perfectly friendly terms, the first and second ladies of the land will not indulge in any great degree of intimacy.–December, 1889

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia