Etiquette Violation Made One Unlucky

‘The King’s Touch’ could cure Tuberculosis? – “In England, three centuries ago, popular superstition credited the “Royal Touch” with curing scrofula. These superstitious practices have now become obsolete…”

THE WHY of SUPERSTITIONS…

OPENING AN UMBRELLA IN HOUSE UNLUCKY

THIS superstition dates back to the days when in the Orient the umbrella was the distinctive badge of Monarchs and great nobles. Even today the King of Siam bears as one of his titles "Lord of the Tent House and Umbrellas." In ancient times the Monarch, the Satrap, the Great Officer of State, gave judgment seated under an umbrella if in the open, and if in the palace under an umbrella or a canopy which represented it. 

Some even see in the Oriental dome, a representation of the umbrella in stone - a permanent umbrella, as it were – sacred to Royalty, great Lords and the tombs of Royalty and greatness.

Now for a suitor or a courtier to open an umbrella in the house of the mighty would appear like an assumption of Royal prerogative - a violation of etiquette which would surely get the offender into trouble in other words mighty "unlucky" for him. Once someone gives anything the name of being "unlucky" and there you are!

“Iram, Indeed, is gone with all his Rose, And Jamshyd's sev'n ring'd cup, where no one knows." – from “Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam”

But what was, for good reason, unlucky in the palace of Harun-al- Rashid is "unlucky" today in a New England cottage for no reason at all.

 

– By H. Irving King for McClure Newspaper Syndicate, 1931

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Need for Umbrella Etiquette

“Offensive possibly,” yet very helpful! – “The etiquette of the umbrella seems comparatively unknown to humanity at large. Perhaps there isn't any written etiquette on the subject, and that's the reason that certain persons passing each other raise their umbrellas high above their heads at the same moment, lower them again and then stand and stare foolishly at each other until one or the other has presence of mind to flit by, carrying his reversed like a banner.”

An Offensive Weapon

On every rainy day the umbrella shows of what it is capable in careless hands. Few know how to carry this useful article in a manner conducive to peace. Why is it that the big, tall man who is passing one on the street draws his umbrella down as close to his head as possible and allows one, if she is a tiny little woman, to stand on her toes and stretch her arm to the breaking point in order to pass the dripping article he carries over him?

Why is it, one is also impelled to ask, that a man in a car unhesitatingly rests his umbrella against the knee of the feminine creature next to him, or so poises it that brown drops from its surface fall into the shoe of his neighbor?

The etiquette of the umbrella seems comparatively unknown to humanity at large. Perhaps there isn't any written etiquette on the subject, and that's the reason that certain persons passing each other raise their umbrellas high above their heads at the same moment, lower them again and then stand and stare foolishly at each other until one or the other has presence of mind to flit by, carrying his reversed like a banner.

An umbrella in the hands of the absent-minded is really a dangerous weapon; at least that is what one young woman recently declared; but then she had just had an unhappy experience, for a careless mortal standing beside her under an awning had closed his with so much force that her new rainy-day suit, her gray hat and fluffy white silk collar, were literally besprinkled and would have to be renovated by a cleaner.

Perhaps someday a practical American will open a little school and give lessons in umbrella carrying, opening and shutting. Then we'll feel much safer when the raindrops fall.– South San Francisco Enterprise, February 1901

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette’s 1970s’ Decline Skewered

Pat Buttram was best known for his acting role as the sidekick of Gene Autry, but also as the slick, snake-oil type salesman, Mr. Haney, on the 1960’s television comedy, “Green Acres.” – Public domain image of character actor Pat Buttram

 

Pat BuTTram Sez

Politeness, just ain't around anymore. Yesterday on a bus, a man got up and gave a lady his seat, and she fainted. Then she came to and thanked him, and he fainted.

I was always taught etiquette in our home. We were so high class we used to eat our chewing gum with a knife and fork.

I guess you could say good breeding is what enables a person to wait at the lunch counter in well-mannered silence while a loudmouth gets all the service.

Now real class is the ability to describe Raquel Welch without using your hands.

But there's one lesson in etiquette you should remember. Never let a lady pick up the check. Always pick it up and hand it to her. –National City Star-News, 1977

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Wooing Etiquette Smoking a Pipe

Another 2nd Debut Article, from 2016

The pipe was considered as a matrimonial embassador, has at least this to recommend it— that it may be relied upon to commit no breach of confidence if its mission proves successful. – 

“Tatars” is an umbrella term for different Turkic ethnic groups bearing the name Tatar. They were formerly known as “Tartars”and could be found across all of Eastern Europe and parts of Asia.

Tobacco as a Matchmaker 

All the nervousness, embarrassment and febrile excitement attendant upon “popping the question” in highly civilized countries are avoided by the young men of the Tchultau Tatar variety desirous to marry, whose simple and discreet custom it is to ascertain their chances of successor failure in matrimonial enterprise by the following proceeding: 

The Tchulian Calebs in search of a wife, having filled a brand new pipe with fragrant tobacco, stealthily enters the dwelling of the fair one upon whom he has bestowed his affections, deposits the pipe upon a conspicuous article of furniture, and retires on tiptoe to some convenient hiding place in the neighborhood. Local etiquette requires that he should execute this strategic movement apparently undetected by the damsel of his choice or any member of her family. 

Presently he returns without further affectation of secrecy, and looks into the apartment in a casual sort of way. A single glance at the pipe he left behind him enables him to learn the fate of his proposal. If it has been smoked, he goes forth, an accepted and exulted bridegroom; if not, the offer of his hand and heart has been irrevocably rejected as not even worth a puff of tobacco. 

By this ingenious expedient, the pain and humiliation of verbal refusal and fruitless pleadings are spared to luckless wooers, and Tatar maidens are saved from importunities justly regarded as peculiarly trying to female sensibility. The pipe, considered as a matrimonial embassador, has at least this to recommend it— that it may be relied upon to commit no breach of confidence if its mission proves successful. – 1881

 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Poetic Etiquette Humor

Etiquette humor was popular in the late-1800’s, and early 1900’s as the Gilded Age was winding down, though fashion magazines weren’t usually the first to print the funny posts.~ Image source, Pinterest

Mr. Josh Simpkins on Etiquette

I've studied up on etiquette,
Read every book that I could get, 
And yet There isn't one in all the lot 
That tells a feller it is not 
De rigger to cat pie For breakfast; 
hence, why shouldn't I? 
And, furthermore, I cannot find 
In all the books I call to mind 
A single line 
That gives a reason worth a whoop 
Against a second plate of soup
When fellers dine, 
And as for eating marrowfats 
Without a spoon I think that that's 
A fool- Ish sort of rule. 

When I eat peas,
 I'll do as I darn please! 
And, what is more, till I'm a snob 
I'll eat my corn straight off the cob, 
And sparrergrass I'll eat as I 
Have always done in days gone by- 
A sort of dangling from the sky, 
A sort of gift from heaven come, 
Held 'twist my finger and my thumb;  

And as for those peculiar things 
Called finger bowls I vow, by jings,
 I will not use 'em as they say 
The bon ton uses 'em today. 
If my hands ain't both good and clean, 
The pump is where it's always been, 
And, far as ever I could see, 
It's plenty good enough for me.
I don't stand much on etiquette, 
But yet I'm too polite to wash my paws 
At table, spite of social laws.

 

–Harper's Bazar, 1900

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Chinese Civilised Manners for Children

Chinese children will also be taught to respect their elders and the customs of ethnic minorities

In 2011, China Set Classes in Good Manners for Schoolchildren 

The Chinese government is making schoolchildren take classes in what it calls “civilised manners.” The education ministry says the aim is to enhance the ethical quality of the nation and China's influence abroad. Before the 2008 Beijing Olympics, authorities launched campaigns against things like spitting and littering to avoid offending foreign visitors. 

The new classes range from basic table manners to the art of holding conversations and delivering speeches. According to the education ministry's website, teaching courtesy should combine "the traditional virtues of the Chinese nation" and "the salutary achievements of civilizations in other parts of the world". Detailed guidelines have been published, with classes tailored to the age of the child.

Among key lessons for primary school students are using courteous language, observing traffic rules and respecting the elderly. Children a little older will be learning about phone and correspondence etiquette, how to dress properly and how to hold polite conversations with both Chinese and foreigners. High school students are expected to master the etiquette of debate and delivering speeches, but they should also know how to keep a proper distance from other people when they are queuing or using a lift. "The campaign is very necessary for our society now," Xin Tao, vice director of the National Assessment of Education Quality, told the Global Times.
                         

Younger children will be taught about traffic rules, table manners and using courteous language

Abigail Mawdsley, from the BBC's Asia Pacific desk, says the campaign reflect two things. Firstly, they signify a concern - with the waning of communist ideology - about the values underpinning society. But they also show an awareness that the behaviour of citizens affects a country's image, she says, and that commanding global respect involves more than simple economic and military might. Authorities have shown concern in the past about the habits and behaviour of some of their citizens. But the goal now appears to be to drill manners into people from an early age. – BBC Asia Pacific, 2011

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Unusual Behavior

  Dealing with Out of Character

Behavior From Someone You Know

Image Source: vadymvdrobot; "Angry young woman having an argument with her boyfriend at a cafe indoors.", 2024. Accessed via https://www.123RF.com/photo_103459415, Standard License.

Out-of-character behavior always carries a certain amount of shock value with it. As the saying goes, "just when you think you know someone . . ." 

We thrive on consistency and want the people in our lives to be reliable.  We feel secure in knowing we can predict their behavior.  Even when one's behavior is consistently unpredictable, we can prepare ourselves for possible outcomes. 

But when you've known someone's consistent behavior for some time and suddenly, an action, reaction, or comment comes out of left field, it can leave you dumbfounded.

Take a Pause

Remember, no one is perfect.  Even a good friend you've known for years.  When that person displays unexpected, irregular, and inconsistent behavior it could be an indication of any number of causes.  Illness, a personal life challenge, or an uncomfortable situation may cause a person to lose their cool. 

The first rule of etiquette is to be respectful and courteous, so when someone we know and like shocks us, being as calm and kind as possible is the first step to handling the situation.  If this is the first time you've been witness to an episode like this you will, of course, be shocked. But take a pause, catch your breath, and try to smooth over the situation at hand.

If an outburst is directed at you, you may not only be surprised but hurt as well.  As you take a pause, consider if the outburst requires your immediate reaction.  Is it worth defending yourself?  Do you owe an apology or acceptance of responsibility?  Or should you simply remove yourself from the situation?

Checking In

Once you feel comfortable doing so and can have a private conversation with your friend, check in and ask if everything is okay.  Tell them how out of the ordinary their behavior seemed to you and that you are concerned.

Listen to their explanation without judgement.  Consider the context of their behavior and think about any recent stressors or life changes they are experiencing.  Sometimes unusual behavior or emotional outbursts are really a reaction to an event or unfortunate situation.

Let them know you are there for them if they need help or just want to talk.  But don’t push if they are not ready to open up.  Just knowing they have a friend they can turn to is comforting and can be more helpful than you realize.

When Out-of-Character Behavior Becomes True Character

A Maya Angelo quote reads, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”  Paraphrasing that: people may tell you who they are, but when they show you who they are—that’s what you should believe about them. 

If it happens that a friend, appreciated acquaintance, or co-worker blurts something out of character for them, it’s up to you to remind yourself that you know the better person this person is—not the one who is showing up disrespectfully. 

Unfortunately, some people wait until they are more comfortable around you to begin showing their true colors.  Words and actions you thought were out-of-character become more commonplace. This is the time when you must decide if you agree or disagree with someone's behavior.  If you can't be in agreement with this person’s opinions or character, know that your ideals and integrity are not worth sacrificing.

The Bottom Line

Etiquette demands that we do not meet disrespect with disrespect.  The mindful pause etiquette gives often provides the time to get your grip and find the right words. 

Being your etiquette-ful self means than you are intentional in not adding fuel to the flames of someone else’s poor behavior.  Plus, your calmness in reserving reaction can serve to mirror to the other person that their words and actions need consideration.  When the time is right, and you can do so privately and calmly, discuss your friend's out-of-character behavior with them, asking if you might help with the situation in any way. 

Then, as a good friend does, keep the discussion between the two of you.  If they need a true friend, they'll know they have one in you.

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1960’s Teen Etiquette and Dating

    

Does Your Dating Need Inflating?

Check Your Etiquette

Etiquette is a leading topic in the letters we get from teen- agers all over the country. So we've come up with an etiquette quiz one you can't flunk! If your answers are far afield or if you can't come to a decision despite nail-biting and hand-wringing, let the answers clue you in. Even if you don't rate an "A" (4 out of 5) the first time around, your new knowledge and improved self-confidence will surely boost your date rating in the future. See everybody's a winner!

1. The party is great and it's still going strong, even though it's after 12 and you promised your folks you'd be home by 12:30. You-

a. Pay no attention. You can always say your watch stopped.

B. Rush out without so much as a farewell.

C. Remind your date of the time; thank the host and explain that you don't want to abuse your curfew.

ANSWER: (C) If you've been told to be home by a certain time, let your date know this early in the evening. Then it's up to you to remind him. Most boys and friends will respect a girl who keeps a curfew. If they ridicule you, you wouldn't want to go around with them anyway.

2. You've been counting on going to the prom with Jane or Jim. Nothing materializes, so you ask Joan or Jack asks you and plans are all firmed up. Then your No. 1 choice lets you know he or she is available. You

A. Immediately break your previous date to be with your first choice.

B. Don't decide yet maybe one of them will come down with the measles.

C. Explain that you've already got a date, smile and say, "maybe next time."

ANSWER: (C) Date breaking is a rating breaker. You your self wouldn't want someone to beg off at the last minute would you?

3. You're at a party and you taste the punch. You realize it's spiked. You don't want to drink.

A. You pretend you don't notice

B. Quietly ask the host or hostess for a soft drink

C. Loudly call attention to the fact saying "What creep could have done this?"

ANSWER: (B) Odds are, before you reach the legal age for drinking, someone will offer you a cocktail or you'll encounter a situation like the one outlined. Best bet: ask for a soft drink, without resorting to unnecessary explanations. Making a big deal is always in bad taste. 

4. You've been invited to dinner. You're famished, the food is delicious and you want a second helping.

A. Wait for the host hostess to suggest seconds.

B. Ask for what's left.

C. Fill up on rolls. 

ANSWER (A) The hostess will always be flattered if you indicate you enjoy the food. However, unless you know more food is available better wait till the plate is passed a second time. Otherwise, the hostess may be more embarrassed than pleased.

5. He or she seemed to enjoy the date. Then he doesn't call again or you call the gal and she says she's busy. You

A. Stay home and mope.

B. Date yourself up three weekends in advance. You'll show them there are other fish in the sea.

C. Try again, then play it by ear. If you're a gal, call him and invite him to a party or the theater.

ANSWER: (C) all etiquette rules to the contrary. What have you got to lose? Staying home accomplishes nothing. Dating yourself up defeats the purpose.

RATING CHART

5-You should be writing this.

4-Still on the beam.

3-Sharpen up your technique.

2- Read up on etiquette

1-You're putting us on!

By Arleen Abrahams, in Youth Services, 1968

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Modern Chivalry

Chivalry in the Modern Age

Image Source: manopphimsit; "Silhouette of couple teamwork hiker helping each other on top of mountain.", 2024. Accessed via https://www.123RF.com/photo_90536179, Standard License.

The concept of chivalry has evolved significantly since its medieval origins as a code of conduct for knights.  Discussions of chivalry in the modern age often spark debate about gender roles, social expectations, and the intersection of traditional values with modern equality. As someone who believes in equality of personhood, the thought of requiring people to believe in and practice customs of chivalry may seem odd.  But let's explore how chivalry has transformed in the 21st century and examine its relationship with feminism and basic civility.

The Evolution of Chivalric Values

The word chivalry brings to mind gallant knights rescuing damsels in distress.  Although the word itself is still closely connected to the order of knighthood, it feels a bit antiquated when associated with rescuing or extending courtesies to women.

When the feminist movement went into full swing in the 1970s, some women began rejecting acts of chivalry.  Until then, men were known to: 

• Hold doors open
• Take a lady’s coat when they were out and be responsible for getting it back to her (and putting her back into it)
• Carry books, bags, and packages
• Help push a lady’s chair in when she sits down at a table
• Open car doors
• Stand when a lady entered a room, or when she stood, and remain standing until she sat
• Shake a lady’s hand only when she offered it first

Each of these acts are admirable and based on the desire to show respect.  But from a modern perception, they may also highlight the idea that women are weak or vulnerable. Over time, as the appreciation for these indulgences faded, many men have ceased extending them.  Thus, leading to the lament, “Chivalry is dead.”

The Equality Adjustment

The feminist and civil rights movements have significantly influenced how society views chivalrous behavior.  Critics argue that traditional chivalry perpetuates gender stereotypes and implies women need protection or special treatment.  However, chivalry in the modern age advocates for a reformed understanding of the tradition that aligns with equality.

When I referred to my collection of etiquette books for opinions on this topic, I failed to find the word “chivalry,” except in Letitia Baldridge’s New Complete Guide to Executive Manners. The chapter title is, “Chivalry Isn’t Dead. It’s Just No Longer Gender-Based.”

What a revelation!

Key changes in chivalric practices influenced by equality include:

• Recognition that anyone can perform acts of courtesy
• Emphasis on consent and personal preference
• Rejection of behaviors that assume feminine weakness
• Focus on mutual respect rather than protective behavior
• Consideration for others regardless of their individuality
• Situational awareness and appropriate assistance
• Recognition of individual autonomy and preferences

Though we still have a way to go as far as equality goes, there is no reason to exclude kindness and consideration to everyone equally.  Think of it this way: if “chivalry” is used synonymously with “civility”, then it isn’t dead at all!

In an equally chivalrous society, expressions of courtesy may look like this:

• If you arrive at a door first, open it for the person behind you
• If you are closest to the elevator door when it opens, you exit first, or step out or aside so those exiting can get by you
• Noticing others have been standing for a bit, you offer your seat
• If someone is having a difficult time with a chair, you assist that person as a kind gesture
• When you tell someone you intend to do something, you keep your word
• Extend your hand for a friendly handshake when meeting or greeting someone

Modern relationships benefit from combining the best aspects of both chivalry and civility. This balanced approach focuses on:

• Mutual consideration: Both partners showing care and respect
• Situational awareness: Recognizing when help is needed
• Personal choice: Respecting individual preferences about traditional gestures
• Equal partnership: Sharing responsibilities and courtesies

A Continuous Evolution

Chivalry in the modern age represents an evolving set of values that combines traditional courtesy with civil equality in our day. The degree of this evolution will be determined by our individual attitudes and acceptance of one another, while maintaining civility's core focus on respect and consideration for others. 

Respect for our fellow humans is anchored in kindness and compassion.  When applied thoughtfully, modern chivalry and etiquette rules enhance rather than contradict principles of equality. It shows that consideration for others enhances our commitment to treating everyone with respect and dignity.

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Finger Foods

Saratoga Chips or ‘chipped potatoes’ were a favorite dish in the gilded age. Shown above is a gilded and sterling Saratoga Chip server” in the Hope” pattern by Mount Vernon Silver, circa 1899“Chipped potatoes are generally eaten with the fingers by epicures. There must be no particle of fat adhering to the chipped potatoes and they must be crisp.” —Delineator, 1903

Finger Food Etiquette is Particular 

There are a number of things that the most- fastidious and well-behaved persons now eat at the dinner table without the aid of either knife, fork or spoon. The following are a few examples:

• Olives, to which a fork should never be applied. whether hot or cold, when served whole, as it should be. 
• Lettuce, which should be dipped in the dressing or a little salt. 
• Celery, which may properly be placed on the tablecloth beside the plate. 
• Strawberries, when served with the stems on, as they usually are. 
• Bread, toast, tarts, small cakes, etc… 
• Fruits of all kinds, except preserves and melons, which are eaten with a spoon. 
• Cheese, which is almost invariably eaten with the fingers by the most particular. 
• Either the leg or small pieces of a bird. 
• Ladies at most of the fashionable lunches pick small pieces of chicken without using knife and fork.
• Chipped potatoes are generally eaten with the fingers by epicures. There must be no particle of fat adhering to the chipped potatoes and they must be crisp.—The Delineator, 1903

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Authenticity in Film Wardrobes

In 1952, in the Los Angeles Daily News reportedly said he didn’t like acting. His business was tying the turbans. –

 Singh (pronounced Sing) also consented to do a bit role as an Arabian villager in the film, but mainly he disdains acting in favor of creating turbans, both plain and exotic. As a matter of fact, no one would think of making a film about Hindus, Mohammedans, Arabs, Persians, Moroccans or Egyptians without calling in Singh to manipulate the fancy headdresses… – According to a post on X, which had this photo, Bhogwan Singh Sandhu was born on September 22, 1883 in British India. He was an Hollywood actor and a well known professional turban tier He died on March 6, 1962 in Woodland Hills, Los Angeles, California, USA.

Hollywood Film Shop

Quirks of fate in the movie colony some times bestow distinction in unusual ways. Take for example the case of an Indian from the Punjab. In his native country, Bhogwan Singh Sandhu would attract no attention by his technique in wrapping turbans. But in Hollywood a man who can tie on a cranial diamond hitch, using a few yards of cloth, has great prospects. 

So Sandhu finds himself much-sought after by studios. He began his Hollywood career 20 years ago, as an extra. After four years of playing bits as a street beggar, a native servant or one of a thousand desert tribesmen, he got his big “break” during the filming of ‘The Sheik,’ which hoisted Rudolph Valentino to lasting fame.

Sandhu was working as usual in extra status on this picture. During the filming of a dashing desert scene, the star's turban chanced to come adrift. Quickly, Sandhu stepped up, offered his services, and in a trice had the thing reassembled. Thereafter, he was a wardrobe assistant, specializing in the assembly and repair of turbans.

On many occasions during that picture he gave valuable hints on the design and etiquette of the turban. With critical eye, he would make some seemingly un important change in the wrapped headgear which, he explained, made a considerable difference in the status of the wearer. After ‘The Sheik’ was completed, he found similar work elsewhere. And now he is Hollywood'\’s unquestioned authority on the 1300 ways of making a turban. 

Sandhu’s most recent assignment was chief of turbans for ‘Wee Willie Winkie,’ Shirley Temple’s latest picture. Based upon Rudyard Kipling's story of the defense of Khyber Pass, in northern India, it was replete with turbaned characters. – Hollywood (UP), 1937

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Cable TV Causes Bad Movie Manners

“They'll ask us to rewind. You cannot rewind a film. It's not a giant videotape machine.” “People at home now have cable or satellite that they watch with friends, and they’re used to talking. It's not like back in the ‘50s or the ‘60s, when going to the movies was more of an event."

Movie Crowd has Become Awfully Chatty!

Scene from a dream: Before one of his movies – say, ‘A Perfect World’ Clint Eastwood appears on screen with an announcement.

“Howdy,” Big Clint says. “For me, and for scores of other people, this film represents several months of hard work, a lot of it under a hot Texas sun. So do me a favor, huh? Don't talk during the film. Not even during the quiet parts, because they're important, too.

“Oh, I might allow you to whisper one or two things to your neighbor, but if I find out that you're carrying on a conversation during my movie” and here Clint grits his teeth and squints “I'm gonna come off screen and belt you one in your big mouth. Now. Enjoy the show.” A perfect world, indeed.

Daydreams like this shouldn't even occur, because movie etiquette is simple. It's even explained in preview packages before movies. Yet it seems that most people just don't get it. Here, we offer a primer.

1. Be quiet. During phone calls to various theaters, the problem that cropped up the most was talkative theater goers. “I think it's just the media explosion” that’s to blame, says Greg Slayton, General Manager of AMC Hulen 10 in Fort Worth. “People at home now have cable or satellite that they watch with friends, and they’re used to talking. It's not like back in the '50s or the '60s, when going to the movies was more of an event.”

Dawn Doll, Manager of Loews City View in Fort Worth, also listed audible audiences as the No. 1 problem. “People see something in a movie, and they’re usually not alone, so they want to communicate their opinions with the person they’re with,” she says. “Probably at a normal talking level, or a whisper, it won't cause a problem, but sometimes people get too boisterous.”

Curiously, the more boisterous a movie, the lower the talking level seems to be. Not counting people who seem to be intentionally obnoxious, comedies and action films tend to attract less talkative audiences than “art” films. Slayton has a theory about that: “An art movie is going to have people from school discussing it as it goes along,” he says. “With movies like ‘Cliffhanger’ or ‘Jurassic Park,’ most people are caught up in the action and don’t have time to talk to somebody.”

Other talker problems:

• The “Play-By-Play” Syndrome. Example: During ‘Cujo,’ a woman repeatedly offered comments such as “The dog's got rabies.” “The dog’s gonna jump through the window.” and “The dog's gonna attack the kid.”
• The “You Figured That Out All By Yourself” Syndrome. Example: During the second such scene in ‘List,’ the camera pans up at a smokestack at what appears to be a snowy Auschwitz. A man nearby offered, “That's not snow. It's ash.”
• The “Inattentive Viewer” Syndrome. Applies to any movie where an audience member has to ask a companion, “What did (fill in character’s name here) say?”

2. Pick up your trash. Debra Doll offers some suggestions. “Try to find a seat quickly, preferably an aisle seat,” she says. “A lot of people, when they come in, their eyes haven’t adjusted and they make comments like ‘I can't see where I'm going. Quietly step in. Give your eyes a chance.”

But Dunn has encountered latecomers whose problems aren't solved so easily. “They'll ask us to rewind,” she says. “You cannot rewind a film. It’s not a giant videotape machine.” Despite occasional problems, most theater staffers take a tolerant view toward breaches of movie etiquette. – By Robert Philpot, Fort Worth Star-Telegram, 1994

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Spotlight on Maura J. Graber

 

Meet Etiquette Enthusiast, Teacher, Author, Historian and Etiquipedia© Site Editor and Founder, Maura J. Graber of 

The RSVP Institute of Etiquette

The Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia was an idea that took shape in late-2011 after an Etiquette Instructor Trainee was lamenting the fact that there wasn’t a free, online resource, where factual etiquette information could be found, along with the reasons behind the etiquette rules. Maura J. Graber decided then to start such a site. Beginning in 2012, Maura’s first posts were rather long, but there were only seven of them, as she was still focused on a personal etiquette blog, “The Etiquette Sleuth.” By 2013, she had tripled the number of posts. By 2016, she was posting hundreds of articles a year. Since 2020 she has posted many more articles and her goal is to post one new article every day, There are now about 3,500 articles on the site.

Though Graber offers classes to all ages, working with teens and young adults is especially rewarding for her. She says that they are the most vulnerable to depression, peer pressure, and social media. She also loves to speak on proper table setting and antiques for the table. She is a popular speaker for museums and historical groups. She has also worked as a consultant for Julian Fellowes’ show, “The Gilded Age” on HBO-Max

Below are links to just a few of Maura Graber’s articles on etiquette which you’ll find on Etiquipedia:

• Etiquette, Regrets and the RSVP
• Q & A on Passing Food at the Table
• The Polite Thanksgiving Guest – 12 Tips
• Hosting Thanksgiving – 12 Top Tips
• Ten Tips on the Art of Small Talk

The following is a Q. & A. with Maura:

Along with teaching etiquette, Maura was the Table Top Spokesperson for a chain of 9 high-end department stores in Southern California in the mid to late 1990’s, traveling from store to store doing talks. By the time the chain merged with another chain of stores in 1999, expanding to 5 states, Maura decided her children were too young for her to be traveling as much as she would need to, so she continued her busy schedule of after-school etiquette classes throughout several counties and took on a role not only on-air, but producing news segments and reviews for a local PBS station. Her stories highlighted  philanthropic organizations and “feel-good stories.”

What was the impetus for starting your Etiquette business?

After working a few different jobs in high school and college, including as a part-time, Princess House Crystal consultant selling dining and entertaining wares, working in retail sales and also as a telephone operator, I took a position as a restaurant manager in Newport Beach, and got used to watching how people behaved and ate in such a public setting. It was eye-opening. I felt most comfortable selling women’s clothing and accessories though. I was quite good at dressing women, and soon opened my own boutique in 1984. By 1990, with a growing family, I was looking for an old-fashioned charm school but couldn’t find one anywhere, I decided to branch out again and opened my own etiquette school. I quickly became so busy teaching etiquette, I left the fashion business behind me within a few years.

An old modeling photo from 1989, wearing an outfit from  her “Timeless Knits” line.

What do you enjoy most about teaching etiquette?

I found out rather quickly that teaching others etiquette and good manners is very rewarding in a way that most other jobs and businesses are not. Knowing you have given someone social self-confidence and the right tools to navigate their ways throughout all of the societal pitfalls they will likely encounter, especially as teens and young adults, is extremely rewarding.  I have also amassed a large collection of antique dining utensils and have written several etiquette history books, featuring the unusual utensils and their uses.

Maura’s latest book is out on Amazon. In “Yesteryear… More of What Have We Here?” the etiquette authority, social historian, and collector of unusual dining implements, treats readers to a trip back in time through various unusual objects for dining and living, along with the etiquette and social tools that once made up an everyday life in Western society and many that still apply today. Curiosities spanning from prior to the Georgian era, Regency era, Victorian eras, the Gilded Age, throughout the Edwardian era, up until the Mid-20th Century, which describe in a fond clarity, not only how we once socialized, dined and lived, but how to entertain today using antiques and making simple but unique choices.  

Screenshot of Maura on PBS demonstrating and talking about special dining utensils for those with physical challenges, circa 2006.

What type of classes do you offer?

I offer very personalized, one-on-one classes, along with group classes for children and adults. My afternoon tea etiquette sessions are very popular, for all ages. I also offer classes via Zoom for clients who are overseas, though some people will also fly to Southern California to work with me.

What age group do you enjoy working with most? 
Teens to young adults are my favorite group to teach etiquette, though every student, aged 5 though to 85, is unique and special. 

Which are some of the older etiquette authors or authorities you enjoy reading? 
I love reading old books by Lillian Eichler, Letitia Baldridge, Amy Vanderbilt, Elizabeth Post and Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners, and of course, old newspaper and magazine articles on etiquette.

If you’d like to reach Maura, you can call her at 909-923-5650 or (inside the United States, 800-891-RSVP), you can visit her RSVP Institute of Etiquette website or email Maura at rsvpinstitute @gmail.com or etiquipedia @gmail.com

Talking etiquette at an evening program for the Ontario Museum of History and Art in 2017

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Prepping a Down Syndrome Child for Prom

Brandon in the special suit he picked out. He was so excited, he was moving too quickly for me to get a perfect shot. But just look at that smile! He was a very happy young man.

The Ins and Outs of Preparing Your Down Syndrome Child for a Dance, Prom or Social…

and All of the Etiquette it Entails

As an Etiquette Coach and a mother of a Down Syndrome son, if a special event came on to the schedule, I would ask Brandon if he would like to go, whether it be a dance, social or prom. He would always be a resounding, ”Yes!” He loved dancing, music, food, and friends. Many people with Down Syndrome are very social! Going to a party with dressing up and fun involved was something Brandon was very interested in doing.

Little did he know, little did I calculate, what all of this would entail! When he was about four years of age, we started table etiquette and it was quite messy, but funny, challenging, and I was (honestly!) at my wits end a lot of the time. We always practiced table etiquette at home so he was comfortable using proper knife, fork, and napkin, etc...

For this particular Social, students had to learn a box step dance (a dance teacher was there!), wear a suit, a tie, and even introduce themselves. This meant to practice his listening skills, practicing shaking hands at the appropriate times, and asking a girl to dance.

We practiced role playing with a therapist, neighbors, at the grocery store, with friends, and anyone else who was willing. He could remember his name, favorite team, color, etc… He really had to practice asking for a dance, however. Brandon was a very visual learner, so I found books and videos to watch with him. We practiced until he got familiar and comfortable with the idea. 

Learning the box step with a twirl was a little difficult for Brandon. Dance practice lessons were helpful, but. we always reinforced his learning at home. A lot of times he wanted to do it differently from the instructor. That’s okay, though. We have to improvise little things like that sometimes! He got the twirling part down nicely… He loved to do that, even though I was a lot taller than he was at the time. I was a little dizzy but he was happy (always a bonus!) and I was impressed that he remembered most of the dance moves.

Shopping for his suit was enjoyable. My son really had a sense of quality and style. He knew what he wanted, and signaled to employees that he wanted help. Much to my surprise there were about three employees helping him with this new experience, from selecting his tie, handkerchief and other necessary items. The appointment with the tailor made it an even more special experience for when he picked out the suit he wanted to wear.

They both seemed to have a memorable dance. They conquered an important social rite of passage for teens.

Finally the big night arrived. He looked so handsome. I was so proud of him! He was beaming from ear to ear as he was proud of himself, as well. When the time came, Brandon asked a girl to dance. She agreed, though she was a little shy too! Watching them with their giggles, laughs, pointing, and then sharing enough words between them, they both seemed to have a memorable dance. They conquered an important social rite of passage for teens.

If I learned anything from this wonderful experience, it’s that you should never say “No” to trying out new things. You know your child’s interest, and even if they want to do something new… Go for it! You will probably be pleasantly surprised. It’s how we all grow.

If an important event is going to occur, plan what is to be implemented, and any assistance or help that may be needed. Other’s are often happy to participate and help smooth out any issues you may encounter. 

Practice what is to be expected at the event. The Down Syndrome population is observant. They want to learn! It just takes them a little longer. They learn differently. Use music and photos. Show them what they will be doing. Make up a game which involves what they need to learn. As parents, we should participate in their learning process. They want us there to see them learn and then try new things.

It is never too late to acquire new learning ideas, and it is okay to improvise when a tactic which has worked before has become a habit and no longer works well for you. With every attempt at learning and teaching your DS student something new, we add a little more information, or a more precise action for it to be improved. 

We are such a big part of their learning process. Sometimes, admittedly, we all want to give up. It is understandable. Everyone gets frustrated at some point raising children. Parents of DS kids are even more vulnerable to those frustrations. Just remember to take a break now and then. Chat a while, find a diversion, do something fun, then get back to the lesson at hand.

Decide what styles you approve of for your child, then give those choices to him or her. Use photos from movies, magazines or books, etc… and your child can choose according to your family preferences. Most likely, your child probably loves to shop just like everyone else.

When the big event arrives, hopefully you’ve done all you can to prepare your child by that particular time. The reward that we as parents get in return for our hard work, is seeing our child’s joy from accomplishing something that he or she really wanted to do! Grab your camera and give some high-fives. And once you get to the event, relax if you can, because you did this too. Down Syndrome families go the extra mile! – By Carla M. West

Contributor Carla M. West has written a book on Down Syndrome, “It's Me - It's Only Down Syndrome” (in both male and female versions). The book is the etiquette enthusiast (and founder of the Graceful Manners Academy), Carla M. West’s way of paying loving tribute to her wonderful son. He was a boy who was full of joy and curiosity, who loved his husky dog, “Cookie,” and  who just also happened to have Down Syndrome. West wanted people to know that her son was just like any other kid who loved to laugh, play and explore the world around him. Like any other kid, his feelings could get hurt as well. Brandon and his mom wanted every kid to know that kids with Down Syndrome are just like you - they just want to be loved! You can reach Carla at gracefulmannersacademy@ gmail.com or by calling (909)552-1553

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia