Etiquette: Please, Do Join Us!

When a person asks if he can join you, he is asking if something is possible.  When he asks if he may join you, he is asking if something is permissible.

Why "May I Join You?" Is such a Powerful Question

When you were young you probably got used to asking permission to do things.  Parents require this to be sure their child is safe within boundaries.  But children tend to push back, testing limits, when they begin to individualize. 

Part of gaining the right to expand boundaries comes from a parent’s approval; hearing the word “yes.”  It’s a process based on concurrence.  Getting the green light feels good.  

The same principle applies when asking permission to join someone in an activity, a conversation, or a project.  It feels good when someone says, “Sure!  Join us.”

Can I vs. May I

You probably remember from vocabulary classes the difference between “May I?” and “Can I?”  “May I?” implies asking permission, whereas “Can I?” implies that capability is being considered.   

When a person asks if he can join you, he is asking if something is possible.  When he asks if he may join you, he is asking if something is permissible.

Why Ask “May I Join You?”

“May I join you?” is an influential question.  It is immediately friendly, but at its foundation it reflects understanding and consideration. 

When you enter someone’s personal space, you are crossing a sacred boundary.  When you know someone well, you might assume you already have permission to enter her space.  However, this is not a likely assumption when you don’t know someone.  Which is why we use introductory words and phrases: 

• “Hello.” 
• “Excuse me, . . .” 
• “May I help you?” 
• “Hi, may I ask . . .” 
• “How are you?” 

Each of these “introductions” is an indirect way of asking, “May I join you?”  You are about to enter into conversation with someone, thus entering his space. 

Asking the direct question when you wish to join someone clarifies your intention.  You are seeking permission to be in the same space and interact with that person.   

And you have provided a chance for the person to tell you she prefers that you not join her.  You’ve given her an “out” in case one was needed.  This helps her feel that she is fully in charge of her personal space.   

So, why is “May I join you?” such a powerful question to ask?

• You refrain from an unwanted interjection by seeking permission to participate. 
• You show respect and good will. 
• You give someone an “out” in the event they do not want you to join them – whatever that reason may be. 
• You allow another person to be in charge of their own space. 

Interacting with people can sometimes be tricky at best.  But remembering what your parents taught you about seeking permission can smooth the edges of a desire to be included.  Such an etiquette-ful request is difficult for a kind person to turn down.

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette. Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Corporate Etiquette in Brazil

Understanding the nuances can not only help foreigners better adapt to the Brazilian job market, but also offer valuable insights into how cultural practices influence workplace dynamics and interpersonal relationships.

Corporate etiquette in Brazil is a reflection of the country's culture and principles, valuing personal relationships, flexibility and a more humanized approach in the work environment. Understanding these nuances can not only help foreigners better adapt to the Brazilian job market, but also offer valuable insights into how cultural practices influence workplace dynamics and interpersonal relationships. This comprehensive understanding underscores the importance of cultural sensitivity and adaptability to foster successful professional interactions and build lasting connections in Brazil's vibrant and culturally diverse corporate landscape.

Understanding the Nuances of the Brazilian Work Environment

• Corporate etiquette in Brazil reflects the country's rich cultural tapestry, offering a unique and vibrant setting that can differ significantly from other cultures around the world. By delving into Brazilian work practices, foreigners can find valuable lessons on how to navigate this environment respectfully and effectively. This article highlights the main characteristics, attitudes and habits common in the Brazilian workplace, contrasting them with practices in other countries to provide a comprehensive overview of corporate etiquette in Brazil.

Communication: Warmth and Cordiality

• One of the hallmarks of the Brazilian workplace is its warm and welcoming nature. Brazilians tend to value personal relationships and cordial interactions, which is reflected in direct and expressive communication. If you are visiting Brazil for work, I suggest you give preference to shaking hands. It is better to err on the side of too much respect than too little. Greeting with a handshake is the most traditional in the Brazilian work environment and at work events, but it is common to see hugs and even kisses on the cheek in more informal contexts or between colleagues who share a closer relationship. Even among older customers and employees, there can be greetings with a kiss on the cheek, as long as this initiative comes from the customer. 

Hierarchy and Flexibility

• Although hierarchy is respected in Brazil, there is a relatively flexible approach to organizational structure. Superiors are accessible and are often directly involved in team activities, promoting an inclusive and less formal work environment. 

Meetings: The Value of Personal Contact

• Meetings in Brazil often begin with informal, non-work-related conversations as a way to establish connection and comfort among participants. The formal start of meetings may be postponed in favor of this social interaction, reflecting the importance given to establishing relationships before discussing business. During face-to-face meetings in Brazil, it is very common to consume water and coffee.

Dress: Between Formal and Casual

• The dress code in Brazilian companies varies significantly according to the industry and location, but tends to be a mix between formal and casual. In cities with warmer climates, such as Rio de Janeiro, a more relaxed approach is common, allowing for greater personal expression. In sectors linked to Law and finance, the dress code is usually quite formal, with men wearing suits and ties.

Lunchtime: More Than Just a Break

• Lunch break in Brazil is an important social time, often seen as an opportunity to strengthen bonds and relax with co-workers. Unlike cultures that prioritize quick lunches or meals at the workplace, Brazilians value this time as a significant break in their daily journey, but this is not a rule. There are many companies where people eat lunch at work, especially when the meal is already provided free of charge to employees. I worked in an industry where this happened. We were allowed to go out for lunch, but since it was more practical to eat at the company’s restaurant and it had no expenses, I ate there most days. 

In Brazil there is no custom of taking a siesta, as happens in some countries like Italy, for example. In Brazil, even those who go to have lunch at home have a short lunch break (normally one hour) and then return to work immediately. We don’t have the custom or time released by companies to sleep after lunch.

I have put together some practical guidance on attitudes during work meetings that are generally considered inappropriate and can negatively affect other people's perceptions:

• Lack of punctuality: Although Brazil is known for a more flexible culture regarding time, arriving late to work meetings, especially without prior notice, can be seen as a lack of professionalism and disrespect.

• Using your cell phone inappropriately: Constantly checking your cell phone, sending messages or answering calls during meetings can be interpreted as a lack of interest or respect for colleagues and the topic discussed.

• Interrupting others: Talking over colleagues or interrupting while someone else is speaking is considered rude. It's important to wait your turn and listen actively.

• Going off topic: Dwelling on topics that are not on the meeting agenda can waste everyone's time. Maintaining focus is crucial to meeting efficiency.

• Being negative all the time: While constructive criticism is welcome, a consistently negative or critical stance can be frowned upon. It's important to balance negative feedback with positive suggestions.

• Failing to Prepare: Arriving at a meeting unprepared, without having reviewed the necessary materials or without having ideas to contribute can create an impression of disinterest or lack of professionalism.

• Not participating: Remaining completely silent, without participating in discussions, can be interpreted as a lack of preparation or interest in the meeting.

• Eating during the meeting: Unless it is a work lunch or there is general consent, eating during meetings can be seen as disrespectful or distracting to participants.

Remembering that business culture can vary significantly, depending on the company and sector, these are general guidelines that help promote a respectful and productive meeting environment in the Brazilian context.

Contributor, Gabriela Vassimon has been working as an etiquette consultant for over a decade. As Civility Expert’s Brazilian exclusive affiliate, Gabriela majored in Psychology, and has over 10 years of experience working with children, teenagers and adults in different sectors (clinic, school, orphanage, companies). Gabriela wears several hats as a psychologist, etiquette consultant and entrepreneur. Gabriela holds an MBA in people management and launched Escola de Gentileza – civilidade e etiqueta (School of Kindness – civility and etiquette). The school offers training and classes in grooming, decorum, social graces, etiquette, and civility for all ages. If you need to learn more about Workplace Etiquette in Brazil, whether you are a foreigner or Brazilian, know that we offer Corporate Etiquette courses both for companies or teams and for professionals looking for individual courses.

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia © Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Culture in Oman

I recently traveled to Oman and not knowing what to expect, was pleasantly surprised. Visiting Oman is a very Arabian experience. It offers a blend of ancient traditions, mountainous landscapes, and welcoming people. It is often overshadowed by its flashy neighbour - Dubai. Oman however, is authentic and relaxing. From receiving my tourist visa and going through immigration to getting to my hotel, visiting a place nestled on the Arabian Peninsula was a straightforward process.

Oman is officially called the Sultanate of Oman, sharing land borders with Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates, and Yemen. You will find that in Oman, there are several UNESCO-listed sites, ancient forts, which I was so happy to visit in Nizwa, and ancient watchtowers dotted over rugged mountains which straddle the capital city of Muscat. At the bottom of these mountains, you will find wadis, seasonal riverbeds that are bone dry in the summer and flowing with fast-running water in winter.

You will notice that the streets are very well-policed, with drivers who are respectful and polite, and they only use the horn to warn other cars very kindly. The downside is that taxis are looking for quick work, and while walking on the sidewalks, you will be tooted non-stop, which can be annoying. Because of the intense heat, Omanis and expats only drive, and do not walk the streets. The Omani national transport company runs on time and  is rider friendly, however it is not extensive, therefore many places are dependent on taxis. Roads are immaculate, with no animals roaming around except an occasional cat. It’s a real change from living in India, as I have been for several months now.

Before you leave the airport, you will be met by traditionally dressed Omani men wearing perfectly ironed white ‘dishdasha’ and a hat known as ‘kumma’. I found men respectful and happy to help if asked; otherwise, it was business as usual. I found that when the male Omani tour guide spoke, he chose to talk to men in the group; however, their words and information imparted to everyone. 

 Omani women are beautiful, take pride in dressing and looking good. They are always accompanied by family or friends. Most will wear a black head scarf with an abaya in the city areas. Also, there are different combinations of modest dressing and wearing the traditional mask. For the traveller modest clothing is also accepted which can be in the form of T-shirt, jeans, joggers or long sleeved top and pants.

Omanis are a very family-orientated culture where the family unit is traditionally patriarchal. They have large families in which the men carry the most authority. The women are the caretakers and responsible for looking after the family. Women are essential to society today and can work and drive, despite Oman’s history regarding such matters. 

Omanis are renowned for their hospitality. The concept of wasta-social connections emphasises building relationships and treating guests with respect. A friendly smile and a cup of kahwa, Omani light coffee, not to be confused with Turkish coffee, which is heavier. Tea is called ‘Karak’ and is a mixture of milk, cardamon, and black tea. As an accompaniment, I was to have, now a clear favourite, date dipped in tahini, which tingled the taste buds– salty and sweet all in one bite.

The Omani spirit continues in the healthy treatment of workers from countries such as the Philippines, Pakistan, India and Bangladesh. The Filipino receptionist at the hotel at which I had stayed, described her life in Dubai, where she worked six days a week, and life was extremely hectic. She moved to Oman following the recommendation of a friend. She found that life was far more relaxing in Oman, where she received the weekends off, and Omanis employers were laid back and respectful.

As an Islamic Sultanate, certain etiquette and protocols are observed. For instance, during Ramadan, it is prohibited by law to eat, drink, smoke, play loud music, or dance in public places during daylight hours, applicable to both Muslims and non-Muslims, with penalties for non-compliance. Moreover, discussing any aspect of the Sultan's personal life is illegal in Oman and is considered inappropriate in conversation. 

One anecdote from a fellow traveller illustrates this cultural sensitivity; she recounted being asked by Omani citizen to delete a photo she inadvertently took at the airport. Additionally, public displays of affection are uncommon among Omanis and discouraged among other nationals.

Omani cuisine is a delightful fusion of flavours, reflecting neighbouring countries' influences and maritime heritage. Delicious fresh seafood or smoked dishes, and slow-cooked stews, infused with fragrant spices are on most menus. A typical Omani day will consist of bread and egg in the morning, and the main meal will be lunch, which is rice and meat, which would be chicken, beef or goat. Evening, dips, dal, vegetables, or salad are served in the evening. Flavours are delicate and well-balanced. The consumption of alcohol and pork is prohibited, and cleanliness before and after meals is practised, as hands are used to eat with, rather than a fork, knife, or a spoon.

Oman's beauty extends far beyond its vast deserts, I was reliably told that on school holidays, families from Muscat will migrate to the fertile plains of Salalah, which offer a verdant escape during the monsoon season. Those who live in the surrounding Muscat will find their way into the city to experience its excellent malls and Western-influenced restaurant scene. One interesting thing I found in the malls of Oman, selling of fragrances and incense is very popular. The air is infused with the distinct scents of smell frankincense, oud, bakhoor. 

 A recommendation when coming to Muscat is to spend time at the Oman Museum. It helps you to understand more deeply what has shaped the Omani people to the modern day. After viewing the museum and palace, then get back on the local air-conditioned bus to view Muscat’s clean coastline meets the road. To swim and snorkel with beautiful sea creatures such as dolphins and whales, take the bus and ferry to Omans islands.— By Elizabeth Soos, Founder of Auersmont School of Etiquette& Protocol

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette. Elizabeth is currently traveling throughout India and brushing up on her Hindi.

www.auersmont.com | +61 466 344 331 | auersmont@gmail.com

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia © Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Enthusiasts? Or Extremists?

Throughout history, there have been those who have taken etiquette to extremes. Ward McAllister (above) was one such social butterfly of the gilded age. We make every attempt to not go to extremes at Etiquipedia. We are etiquette enthusiasts, but we understand custom, culture and respect for others are equally as important to etiquette.

Extreme Enthusiasm for Etiquette

Etiquette enthusiasts are usually supersensitive people. “Good form,” in their eyes, is of paramount importance. Ward McAllister was one of these. The extremes of etiquette enthusiasm and of superficiality usually go hand in hand. Frequently the less a man knows the more enthusiastic is he over the punctilious observance of what is vulgarly known as “good form.” 

Active, intelligent men are too busy with the serious affairs of life to devote much thought to the etiquette of enthusiasts. Official life demands much etiquette and its observance is then as commendable as is a good dinner, such as is served at the Hotel Florence, to a hungry guest. — San Diego Union and Daily Bee, March 1896

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia © Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Rules of Conduct

Arbitrary rules of etiquette, such as concern the proper way to shake hands, the number of cards to be left at a reception, the way to turn out your toes and the special greeting that is the current fad, all these rules are liable to change from season to season, vary in different localities and mean very little anyhow. 

Prodigious as are the manuals of etiquette issued in these days, nobody with a kind heart, a desire to please and the merest rudiments of knowledge of the simpler social responsibilities need worry about their “manners.” The self-respect that a good conscience and self-reliance give will keep you from pushing and intruding. As for “rules of conduct,” pooh ! You need hardly bother about any that your own sense does not suggest." 

Arbitrary rules of etiquette, such as concern the proper way to shake hands, the number of cards to be left at a reception, the way to turn out your toes and the special greeting that is the current fad, all these rules are liable to change from season to season, vary in different localities and mean very little anyhow. A handshake that is the result of cordial intent can never be rude nor ill done. Bad temper is always ill-bred. Conduct of any kind that puts others to distress is always “bad manners,” disrespect to age or to the dignity that office or high achievement confers is always hopeless rudeness, and your own good heart will tell you that.

The young girl just out of school is overwhelmed with mustn'ts and musts, but most of them are nonsense. If she is modest and self-respecting she will know that the inevitable “young man” must be treated with some reserve. But she need not be afraid to take his arm if she needs his assistance, nor has she committed a social crime if she doesn't take it, so long as neither course is followed to her own distress, or to his unnecessary embarrassment. 

She will know that this same young fellow should include her mother or guardian in social plans, at least till such time as the mother or guardian have judged him to be trusted with the escort of the girl alone.  Her own instinct will tell her that she should not receive rich presents from a man unless she is engaged to him, because it is never comfortable to be under obligations to any one, whether a “young man” or not, that she is not in a position to repay. All the other mustn't easily range themselves under some equally simple and reasonable rules.

Many of the remaining causes of anxiety to the neophyte come under the head of prompt and exact replies to social notes involving the making of social engagements, of equally careful keeping of social engagements, big and little, of friendly thoughtfulness of the one who is ill, or who is having an anniversary of some kind that demands a call, or a line of remembrance or greeting. Then there are “table manners,” and they are made such a bugbear that one's appetite is all lost. But even at the most formal dinner you need not be afraid. Watch the hostess. She is supposed to set the example for every one. 

Don't be frightened, and don't do anything in a hurry. Indeed, those two suggestions will bring you through almost any formal occasion if you will keep sharp lookout and remember that good temper and a modest desire to please will make up for mere awkwardness and make up handsomely. – A “Second Debut” Article by C. O. Burton, 1895

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia © Etiquette Encyclopedia

Newspaper Poll on Hat Etiquette

What the well dressed men of the 1920’s were wearing. – Image source, Pinterest

‘Hats On’ Signs Appear in L. A. Elevators

Signs stating that it is unnecessary for men to remove their hats when women enter the car appeared today in several elevators in downtown office buildings. They were posted as the result of the discussion of elevator etiquette which was conducted in The Evening Herald.

In the discussion of the question, 136 voted that hats should stay on, 19 that they should come off and 46 for a compromise. The compromise was that the hats should be removed in hotel and apartment house elevators and kept on in business block lifts.

One hundred and twenty-two men wrote letters to the “Elevator Etiquette Editor” and 59 were received from women. Twenty-seven signed anonymously without sex distinction. Those who voted for the hats on rule held that an elevator is a public conveyance, the same as a street car. — Los Angeles Herald, July 1920

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia © Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Edwardian Receptions

     

Will you kindly inform me the proper thing to do at a reception? Should I leave my calling card? What should be served? – S. A. B.

Greet your hostess, be served to refreshments, leave your card and take your departure, is about the prescribed formula for an afternoon reception. 

Tea, coffee, chocolate, sandwiches, wafers, nuts and bonbons, salad, and sherbet of ice cream are the usual refreshments served in the dining room. Two or more ladies, generally intimate friends of the hostess, “pour,” with one or two waiters assisting in the service.– From Madame Merri, 1912

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

British Royal Etiquette is by Precedent

It’s interesting that for many years prior to 1968, the Lord Chamberlain’s Office played a much more significant role in British society. The Office was the official censor for every theatre performance performed in Britain. Overall, the theatre owners were satisfied by this arrangement, even if the playwrights were not. Owners were basically free from prosecution for any offense possibly caused by a play, that was as long as they presented only “licensed” plays. There were campaigns by some playwrights in opposition to what they saw as the Office’s censorship. Two (one in 1909 & one in 1911) were involving Sir James Matthew Barrie, 1st Baronet, OM, the author of the popular play, “Peter Pan,” according to Wikipedia and other sources.– Above,  public domain image of Scottish playwright, J.M. Barrie

Etiquette by Precedent

For example of how men may live and act according to precedent there can be no better reference than to the Lord Chamberlain’s office in London. There in quiet rooms, day after day, men learned in State etiquette, Court dress and Royal functions reach down in heavy volumes to see what was done on such and such an occasion. Beautiful pictures showing with minute exactness the details of the Court costume under various circumstances are ready to their hands. 

Is the Shah of Persia coming? Is the Kaiser soon to arrive? Is the King going to receive the Monarch of Siam? Is one of the Royal Princesses to be married? When any of these events happens the officials at the Lord Chamberlain’s office know exactly what to do. And if at some point should crop up anything which has not been raised for a century or more, they have the faithful official records as to what was done on the last like occasion. – San Luis Obispo Daily Telegram, July 1910

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia © Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Bloomer Etiquette

Bloomers were quite fashionable for the newly created cycling set, among other fads and cultural trends for younger women, during the gilded age. Cycling gave young women a freedom they had not felt before and wearing bloomers, or pants, were part of that freedom. They were not welcome in many business or social settings, however. Image source, Pinterest

Explaining the Etiquette of Bloomers

It is not denied that woman has a right to wear bloomers or anything else that may suit her fancy, but she mustn’t complain if a man insists that she shall wear skirts in his office, just as she insists that he shall wear a coat in her dining-room. A San Francisco woman is suing a dentist for $250.00 because though he had engaged to put her teeth in good condition when she appeared before him in skirts, he wouldn’t even look into her mouth when she came to his office in bloomers. 

It wasn’t so much that he couldn't stand the trousers himself; he could, because he was quite used to them, having a few pairs of his own, but there were others in the office who would be shocked by them and so he spoke quite harshly to her, just to show her and the others that he was posted on bloomer etiquette. It seems that bloomers on the street, or in the park, are all right, but they don't go in a dentist’s office – if there are other women present.— Expositor, Volume XXXI, August 1897 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Breakfast Party Etiquette of 1912

Giving a breakfast in 1912 was more like hosting a “brunch” in 2024. These breakfasts could last a few hours and have elaborate entertainment, with a quartet of musicians, or something more along the lines of a simple harpist. The menu should suit the formality of the occasion, however, and as Saratoga Chips (aka potato chips) were still a trendy novelty at the time, Etiquipedia supposes that including them in the menu then would certainly be amusing, but would most definitely raise her eyebrows at seeing them served at brunch or a formal breakfast in 2024.
– Above, 2 Gilded Age Saratoga Chip Servers from the book, “What Have We Here? The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond...” One sterling, with a matte gilded bowl and the other, sterling silver without protective gilding. ~ Image source, Etiquipedia Private Library

Hosting an Entertaining Breakfast

Would you kindly give a few suggestions as to the menu and entertainment suitable for a breakfast for about 25 young ladies? This is for no special occasion, but I wish something a little different. – A FOLLOWER

For so many guests you will probably seat them at small tables. It would be pretty to have a different color of candle and flowers at each table. Serve first a chilled fruit mixture, chicken and mushroom patties, Saratoga potatoes, tiny hot, buttered biscuit, olives, salted nuts, radishes. Asparagus salad or tomatoes stuffed with shrimps,

A strawberry mousse, with small cakes or a tutti-frutti ice cream makes an acceptable finish. Grape juice, iced tea or coffee may be the choice of beverages, with a cordial. Afterward have a reading or a short musical programme. Perhaps you have some friend who is clever enough to entertain with personal reminiscences of some unique or interesting experience in travel at home or abroad.– From Madame Merri, 1912

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Better Manners Than Your Kids?

The old ideal of training in behavior was based largely upon the principle of the child’s consideration for its elders; the modern principle demands also the elders’ consideration for the child.

A Second Début from Woman’s Home Companion

Good company manners depend upon good home manners. As for table manners, the active child, who from his earliest years has been accustomed to regular meals of simple food with sufficient variety for his health and pleasure, will be hungry enough at mealtime to eat anything that is put before him. If, from the beginning, he has been encouraged by example, then good table manners will be as natural as breathing. They will be a part of him, and he will make use of them wherever he is. 

The place for a parent to begin training the manners of her child is with her own manners. Whenever a mother complains of the bad manners of her child, she is unconsciously lodging a complaint against herself as a mother. The old ideal of training in behavior was based largely upon the principle of the child’s consideration for its elders; the modern principle demands also the elders’ consideration for the child. —Woman’s Home Companion, 1915

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Spotlight on Petra Carsetti

IN JULY 2021 THE ITALIAN PETRA CARSETTI JUMPED TO THE NEWS FOR WINNING A WORLD RACE OF WHAT?

Meet Italian Etiquette Authority and Etiquipedia Contributor, Petra Carsetti, Author of Galatime and Galatime Act II

Petra Carsetti was born into a gastronomic minded family… true lovers of excellent foods and wines. From an early age she showed a great passion for the table, which she later developed by working in important, well-known Italian restaurants. Since 2005, she has written many books on food and wine, along with guides to Italian restaurants, specializing also in galateo and etiquette at the Accademia Italiana Galateo and ANCEP (the Association of Ceremonialists for Public Institute). She teaches etiquette in schools to adults and children, is a consultant for various political and economic authorities, and she has a weekly column in a historic newspaper. She also writes for various other newspapers, is a frequent television guest. Very active on Instagram @galateopetra_carsetti, Petra is happily married to well-known wine and food aficionado, journalist and author, Carlo Cambi and together they have one daughter.

Below are links to just a few of Petra Carsetti’s numerous articles on etiquette and table settings you’ll find on Etiquipedia:

• Petra Carsetti’s 10 Commandments of Italian Dinner Party Etiquette
• Table Etiquette and Beverages
• More Italian Etiquette with Galatime II
• Etiquette and Table Service Styles
• Italian Place-Setting Etiquette for Wines
• An Interview with Petra Carsetti

The following is a Q. & A. with Petra:

What was the impetus for starting your Etiquette business?
In reality, I've always had the impulse! Since I was a child I paid particular attention to how to set a table, empathize with people in front of me and know how to converse with everyone.

Why did you start? 

The 2016 the earthquake in the central part of Italy forced me to change my life. I therefore decided to enroll at the Italian Etiquette Academy to become a teacher of etiquette. In 2021 I also began to write books about etiquette.

What do you enjoy teaching the most regarding Etiquette? Surely the thing I like most is to make people understand that etiquette is the best tool for respect towards others and the use of kindness is the only true weapon to develop real progress towards the world and towards oneself.

What do you find rewarding about teaching Etiquette? 

I really love the amazement that I find in kids and teenagers when I teach them etiquette! They are always full of enthusiasm and curiosity.

What types of classes do you offer? 

I give lessons for all ages. I enter primary and secondary school, organize workshops around Italy, chair private and public events to deal with etiquette issues at 360°.

What age group do you enjoy working with most? And why? 

As already written, I love working with kids because there is a purity without superstructures that allow me to awaken hidden passions and make them feel more confident about themselves and the world around them.

Who are some of the older etiquette authors or authorities you enjoy reading most? 

Surely one of them is Monsignor Giovanni della Casa, he is the founder of good manners in Italy and his rules (from about 1550) are still valid today. Another author is a woman, she is Elda Lanza and she wrote a book with a very clear title: Il tovagliolo va a sinistra (The napkin goes to the left, first edition 2016)

If you would like to reach Petra, you can find her on Instagram. She is very active there @galateopetra_carsetti — Petra’s etiquette books, Galatime and Galatime Act II are both available on Amazon.

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and “Polite Notes”

Letters of congratulation are always acceptable, enhancing whatever the good fortune may be by sharing with one’s friends.

Will you kindly advise the custom concerning letters of condolence and congratulation? Should letters be sent only to friends out of town, or may they be used between friends in the same city? Are letters of condolence better than a call? – ANXIOUS

Letters of condolence are always proper, no matter whether to a person living out of town or in one’s home city. A card with the word “sympathy” or “to inquire” left at the house of mourning is always good form, for, of course, only the nearest and dearest friends see a bereaved family; but afterward they look at the cards and letters and deeply appreciate all who have thought of them in their sorrow. 

Letters of congratulation are always acceptable, enhancing whatever the good fortune may be by sharing with one’s friends. The good book says “rejoice with those who do rejoice and weep with those who mourn,” or words to that effect, and it is a pretty good maxim to follow.– From Madame Merri, 1912 

 

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Printing Office Etiquette

This detail of a mural in the foyer of the Poughkeepsie Journal, shows Ottmar Mergenthaler at his linotype machine surrounded by Morse, Bell, Edison, Greeley and others who played important roles in publishing history. – Image source, Pinterest

On the Lighter Side of Manners

A lady asked us whether etiquette requires us to knock at the door of an editor's sanctum before entering. We hasten to reply. If you are coming to pay your subscription or bring in a nice juicy item of news, don't stop to knock, but just walk right in as if you owned the place. 

If on the other hand, you are on a collecting tour, you should make the fact known through the window, and then knock at the door until the editor opens it. You may sink from exhaustion before he does so, but you will, be adhering to the printing office etiquette that is bound to please the average editor. To all of which we reverently say, “Amen.” –Winnemucca Silver State News, 1896

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Children’s Table Manners

Five-year-old David’s table manners are a source of real concern to his parents. A child isn’t ready for a regular seat at the family table until he is eight or nine.

 

Your Child at the Table

Five-year-old David’s table manners are a source of real concern to his parents. No doubt the problem is exaggerated in their minds because the youngster takes most of his meals with them. There are many bad features to such an arrangement. First, there is a tendency at the family table to judge manners by adult standards. There is likely, therefore, to be too much attention paid to essentally unimportant details. As a result, not only will the child's manners remain unimproved, but he will lose interest in the meal itself. 

A child, moreover, is expected to sit quietly at the adult table and not act bored, although the conversation may be way over his head. He is not supposed to show dissatisfaction when more interesting food than what he gets is served to mother and father. Under the circumstances, one of the chief reasons for having a child eat with his parents—to let him learn table manners by imitation—is defeated. But where a child takes the majority of his meals alone, the occasion of eating with mother and father becomes for him both a privilege and a special event. 

Such a meal early can be built around dishes which all like and can partake of. A party atmosphere can be made to prevail. Deck out the table prettily, with special linen, china, silver, with flowers and, possibly, lighted candles. Then make it a rule not to fuss with the children about anything at all, table manners, accidents, how much or how little they eat. Just see that the conversation is pleasant, mind your own manners, and you'll make the desired impression. A child isn’t ready for a regular seat at the family table until he is eight or nine. – By Jane Goward, 1942

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Baby Shower Gift Etiquette

Vintage birth announcement card from 1957

DEAR DOROTHY DIX: It seems the new trend at bridal showers. is not to open the gifts. They are merely accepted and put aside. I think is is poor etiquette. Don't you? — Edith

DEAR EDITH: I could imagine nothing more tense than an evening spent glaring at a pile of beautifully wrapped gifts which the guests are not permitted to see opened I adore showers almost more than any other type party, but would certainly lose my enthusiasm after one of these. Personally, I've never heard of the fad, or trend, and certainly hope it passes very quickly. 

The whole object of a shower has always been the expressions of joy when the honored guest opened her gifts. This is the highlight of the party. Do your best to discourage the unopened-gifts trend. I'll back you up. – Dorothy Dix, Dorothy Dix is a Trademark registered in the U. S. Patent Office by The Bell Syndicate, Inc., 1956

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Soup and Sandwich Etiquette

Bouillon is taken from a spoon except the last few swallows which may be taken from the cup by lifting with one of the handles and rising the cup to the lips.

The Proper Thing to Do

Kindly tell me the proper way of eating a club sandwich in a restaurant, also whether bouillon is sipped from the cup or eaten with a spoon? —Country Girl.

A club sandwich is eaten with a fork, the toast, if very dry, may be broken and eaten with the fingers. Bouillon is taken from a spoon except the last few swallows which may be taken from the cup by lifting with one of the handles and rising the cup to the lips. — Madame Merri, 1912

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Japanese Mid-C. Railway Etiquette

Long known for their exceptional mass transit manners, this is on of many images from the Japanese, “Please do it at home” campaign of the past 10 to 15 years. Many successful campaigns using eye-catching images and art have been used over the past decades. You can see many from the past here in a previous Etiquipedia post.

Japanese Railroad Launches Passenger Etiquette Program 

TOKYO, July, 21—(UPI)—The Japan National Railways Corporation, which runs one of the most efficient train systems in the world, launched an “etiquette training” program Monday to make its passengers the neatest and best-mannered as well. 

A spokesman for the corporation said special officers will be assigned to 24 trains to tell passengers how to behave. They will tell passengers not to: —

• Walk around Railway cars in their underwear.

• Enter the dining car in nightgowns.

• Throw refuse all over the floors.

• Play their radios too loud.

– Shin Nichibei, 1959

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Pakistani Culture and Etiquette

Pakistan is a place of mystery to many, yet I have found it to be a place of curiosity and old world wonder that is emerging into the spotlight of global recognition.

The partition of British India in August of 1947 resulted in the birth of two separate nations, Pakistan and India, with Pakistan comprising two geographically and culturally distinct regions: West Pakistan, now known as the Islamic Republic of Pakistan and East Pakistan, now known as the People's Republic of Bangladesh. With this separation of the newly formed Pakistan, nearly a century ago, citizens had the liberty to indelibly grow culturally. 

Pakistani hospitality is renowned worldwide. Guests are treated with the utmost respect and warmth. It's customary for hosts to go above and beyond to ensure their guests feel welcomed and comfortable. I can vouch for this fact as I had married into a Pakistani family from one of its larger cities. Here is what you need to know when being invited to a Pakastani home.

It's polite to bring a small gift, such as sweets, nuts, dates, or flowers, or if you have flown in from another country, then something different that may not be found in Pakistan. When giving the gift to your host, hand it over with two or right hands, from woman to woman or man to man. Avoid gifting alcoholic drinks or products that contain non-halal items. Consider when you are being invited, clothing will change from day to night and on other specific occasions. Also, contemplate the city you are visiting, as each city in Pakistan has its dress code. 

For example, Karachi is a modern city; therefore, you will see women wearing jeans and joggers. Islamabad will vary as it's known as the ambassadorial area where semi-formal office wear is the norm mixed with traditional dress. Lahore is an older and more conservative city and, therefore, the traditional three-piece suit for women and semi-casual for men. Check-in with your host on what to wear, and always remember to dress modestly.

Before you leave your hotel or accommodation, you must understand that time can be flexible or rigid. Time is rigid if the host is currently serving in the military. Military families are well accustomed to being on time and the value of not wasting it. When you arrive at the host's house, remember to remove your shoes before entering the home because the roads are dusty and unsealed. Upon arriving, stand to greet a person when they enter a room. Greet the elders first with a polite "Assalam-o-Alaikum" and accept their blessings if they offer it. A blessing might be a hand on the front part of your head. Once you enter you are sitting it's vital that your compliment your hosts exterior or interior of the house, it will win you many bonus points for being observant and complimentary.

Depending on the family's views which could be conservative or modern, yourself and your partner maybe escorted away from each other into two rooms, one for men and one for women. Or you will be invited to sit down with the family to eat and enjoy time together in one room. You could be seated on a lounge or floor; remember to cross your legs or lean to the side with the sole of your foot facing the wall, never outstretched in front of you.

Likely, there will be children running around from room to room, it’s imperative to ask the welfare of children and talk over five minutes or more about each of them. Pakistanis put immense value on children in the family unit and are a great source of pride and joy. During the event, you will be peppered with personal questions. This is because it is a way to get to know you so they can hierarchically place you according to their social system. Questions could range from your family's background and your own family. What do you do for work, which university do you attend, and so on? I advise you to be prepared and answer respectfully; you in turn, will be able to ask the same type of questions as they value the questions importance.

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette. Elizabeth is currently traveling throughout India and brushing up on her Hindi.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia