Napkin History and Etiquette

Napkins can properly be placed on top of plates or to the left of the place setting, but never under plates or utensils.– Image source from Reaching for the Right Fork… the evolution of tabletop utensils

The napkin has played famous parts in the fortunes of men and women. It was one of the points admired in Marie Stuart that, thanks to her exquisite breeding in the court of Marie de Medici, her table was more imposing than the full court of her great rival and executioner, Elizabeth. At the table of the latter, the rudest forms were maintained, the dishes were served on the table, and the great Queen helped herself to the platter without fork or spoon, a page standing behind her with a silver ewer to bathe her fingers when the flesh had been torn from the roasts. 

At the court of the late Empire, Eugene was excessively fastidious. The use of the napkin, and the manner of eating an egg, made or ruined the career of a guest. The great critic, Sainte Beuve, was disgraced and left off the visiting list because, at a breakfast with the Emperor and Empress, at the Tuileries, he carelessly opened his napkin and spread it over his own knees and cut his eggs in two in the middle. The court etiquette prescribed that the half-folded napkin should be on the left knee, to be used in the least obstructive manner in touching the lips, and the egg was to be merely broken on the larger end with the edge of the spoon and drained with its tip. – Philadelphia Press, 1882

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Henry VIII and Lenten Fasting

A fast meal served to Henry VIII and Katherine of Aragon in 1526 included a first course of soup, herring, cod, lampreys, pike, salmon, whiting, haddock, plaice, bream, porpoise, seal, carp, trout, crabs, lobsters, custard, tart, fritters and fruit. – “We have a lot of mistaken ideas about how the Tudors ate. They didn't gnaw chicken greedily and throw bones on the floor, and there were no dogs fighting over scraps under trestle tables. In a well-conducted house, the dogs - except for little spaniels - were exiled to kennels. Table manners were strict and refined. Knowing how to cut your bread and what to do with your napkin was an infallible social signal that separated a gentleman from an oik, and every young noble learned to serve at table and to carve.”–Writer, Hilary Mantel

Lenten diets began to be phased out in England after Henry VIII's break with the Roman church in 1534. Four years later, the King issued a proclamation that the nation need no longer observe the Lenten fast, because, he was informed, of a scarcity of fish. Fish - a permitted food, as we have seen - had previously been abundant, at least on the King’s table, during the many fasting days of the Church calendar. A fast meal served to Henry VIII and Katherine of Aragon in 1526, for example, included a first course of soup, herring, cod, lampreys, pike, salmon, whiting, haddock, plaice, bream, porpoise, seal, carp, trout, crabs, lobsters, custard, tart, fritters and fruit. 

This was followed by a second course of soup, sturgeon, carp, perch, eels with roast lampreys, shrimps, tarts, fritters, oranges, apples and baked eggs. The meal may have followed Church doctrine to the letter, but it was hardly a fast. During Lent the King’s servants were on the whole served a healthier but unvarying diet of brown bread (known as ‘cheat’), ale, herrings and salt cod. Fresh fish was always available for the King at Hampton Court Palace from the breeding ponds alongside its south gardens.— From “At the King’s Table,” by Susanne Groom

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Etiquette, Snobbery and Bohemia

Finding oneself among those free-spirit bohemians evidently happens by accident– The word bohemian has two meanings: one is a person from Bohemia, a historical region in central Europe, and the other is ‘a person who is living an unconventional and artistic life.” The story of Puccini’s popular opera “La Boheme,” is set in 1830’s Paris and shows the “Bohemian lifestyle” of a poor seamstress and her artist friends.

What is Bohemia, you ask? Is it the kingdom where God's charity take precedence to etiquette? No. That's what it ought to be. Is it a kingdom in which people enjoy that which they think they ought to like? No. That’s what it might be, but the results might be disastrous.

It is a kingdom where bottles are more plenteous than baths, curaçao more common than corsets, borrowing more fashionable than paying back; hours, wages, doctrines and meals irregular? Yes, my children; that's about what it is.

Few persons travel straight, with serious intent, to Bohemia. They get there by accident. They take the train to Long Branch or Newport, and it breaks down. When they look to see what station they have stopped at they see no name. But they do see an absence of carriages and liveries, and are there by accident. They take the train aire.

There is also a dearth of children, and a few irrelevant little things only have one name apiece. However, the ladies make up for this by having three each. It is also noticeable that the ladies work harder than the gentlemen in this settlement, and that the latter do not encourage the bootblacks or savings banks.

Then one day the traveler who has halted by accident at this strange settlement, having gained the above impressions, says over the spaghetti (of course, all Bohemian rites are observed over the spaghetti): “By the bye– excuse my ignorance – but where am I?” And the inhabitant questioned answers, smiling strangely: ‘You’re in Bohemia. Isn't it jolly? Say, could you accommodate me with five dollars?’

Then the traveler knows it is Bohemia. Understand me, I am not disparaging this section any more than I should disparage that region called society if anyone in that class needed my advice.

Society is no more entertaining or generous than Bohemia– at least so I am told by Bohemians who have been invited to dinners in Society– when Society gets hard up for amusement and derives a little by watching to see if Bohemia can pick out an oyster fork, or say, “Thank you sir.”– Outlook, 1908

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Gilded Age Dining: Some Rules

The Gilded Age was a high point in the history of fine dining and the flatware and serving pieces of the era were often lavish expressions of the era. Above is a serving set in gilded sterling by George W. Shiebler & Co.

Etiquette has laid down several rules about eating particular kinds of food. Soup, for instance, should be called for only once, and eaten from the side of a spoon. If oyster crackers are passed with the soup, place them at the left side of your plate on the table cloth, and hold one in your left hand as you eat. But if bread is served, break off a piece as you wish it, with the left hand. Both the bread and crackers should be eaten without butter.

A little said in regard to the position at table may not be amiss. Never eat lounging back in your chair; though, while the different courses are being removed, it is entirely allowable to sit back in the chair. The elbows should not, at any time, be allowed to rest on the table.

Convey the food the entire distance to the mouth. Some people have a ludicrous habit of opening their mouths the moment they raise the food from their plates; then when the food is within several inches of its destination, their heads suddenly come forward with a jerk, and the food is snatched from sight. Quick motions and gestures are seldom graceful, and never so at a table. Then is the time, most assuredly, to “let your moderation be known to all men;” moderation in movement as well as in eating and drinking.

Be always attentive to the wants of others, and see that your neighbor is provided with whatever he may need within your reach. Remember the golden rule can be applied precisely as well during the meal time as in our intercourse with our fellow. beings.– Penman’s Art Journal, 1888

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Gilded Age Ball of Unalloyed Pleasure

While etiquette will be rigidly enforced it will not confine itself to evening suits and gloves…

THE first ball of the season will be given by the Young Men's Institute, No. 87, of Merced, October 10th, at the spacious dining roam of the Tuolumne Hotel, which will be tastefully decorated for the occasion. The orchestra, composing four pieces, will be of especial excellence, while the floor managers promise to unite for the nonce in one common party. Their names indicate strength and dignity, combined with elegance and grace. While etiquette will be rigidly enforced it will not confine itself to evening suits and gloves, but to the general idea of honest, pure, unalloyed pleasure. Such is one of the objects of the Y. M. I., No. 87, of Merced. – Merced Sun-Star, 1888

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Gilded Age Etiquette of French Kisses

All types of kisses are allowable on the forehead. Men, especially though, would be wise to check which type of kisses are socially allowable in another country from their own.

It is not considered bad form in Paris to kiss a young woman on the forehead, however slight the acquaintance. Etiquette is more rigorous upon the question of kissing in this country. He is favored, indeed, who can kiss a young woman upon the forehead without getting a bang in the mouth. — Hartford Post, 1886

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Etiquette and the Introduction of Forks

The earliest forks had only 2 tines. The combination fork and spoon on the far right is called a “Sucket.” Suckets were from the Georgian era and used to eat sticky fruits in syrup and such.

Perhaps the most significant development in culinary art and etiquette came at the beginning of the 17th century with the introduction of the fork into English society. More than anything else, the fork promoted a greater degree of cleanliness at the table: making choicer table linen, more handsome napkin arrangements and finer dining clothes possible for the wealthy. Together, technological advancements in English dining had sparked a cultural revolution. 

People started to define themselves through the artistry of their table settings. Culinary art advanced to higher standards: improving manners by allowing diners to eat “respectably”. New meals and drinking practices were even invented in the 18th Century specifically as occasions in which to demonstrate proper dining etiquette: afternoon tea being, perhaps, the most notable.— From silver groves.co.uk

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Escalators

The Dos and Don'ts

San Francisco artist Helen Tseng summed up the gripes in one illustration commissioned by a website called The Bold Italic. 

Michael Bloomberg, Mayor of New York, has said he always walks on escalators. Good exercise, yes, but some cities discourage it. And there's one thing obstructing walkers - people who stand.


There are walkers and there are standers, and Mayor Michael Bloomberg is a walker.


In announcing a plan to make New York's buildings more stair-friendly, the mayor said he always walks on escalators.


Most escalator walking happens at underground stations - people don't tend to be in such a hurry in a shopping centre, for instance.


But Bloomberg is still in a minority of escalator users around the world. In London, about 25% of people on the Tube walk on the escalators and in Shanghai only about 3%, according to a study.


And in some countries, walking on escalators is discouraged. On the Toronto subway system, signs that encouraged people to walk on the left were removed at the recommendation of safety experts.


A ban was also considered for Tokyo's transport system but never enforced. And in the UK, people of a certain age will remember the chilling public information films of the 1970s that featured a pair of children's blue wellington boots getting sucked into the machinery. "Stand still and don't walk down," it urged.


Either that message never got through or it was soon forgotten, because any such caution has melted away in the UK. There are 426 escalators on the London Underground and there's a signposted system of standing to the right and walking to the left.


Research in 2011 by the University of Greenwich found that 75% of people at Paddington Tube station stood and the left-right rule was observed by nearly 90% of people.


But the custom varies depending where you are. The same team of researchers, led by Edwin Galea, earlier found that in Shanghai, only 2.4% walked and there was no preferred side to walk on.


Usually there is a walking lane on busy subway escalators, says Galea, and it's not clear if the Shanghai free-for-all reflected a cultural phenomenon or was simply people getting to grips with what was a new station and escalator.


Most escalators across the world that do have a standing/walking system follow the "walk on the left" custom, to speed up the flow. One of the exceptions is Australia, where people walk on the right.


It's interesting that so many countries walk left, says Galea, but no-one's quite sure why. "It could be a random effect, it could be a copy effect, or it could have something to do with the side of the road we drive on. It could be some kind of rationalisation based on this."


The British drive on the left and so choose to walk that side on escalators, he says, but in countries that drive on the right, the rationale could be that you drive on the right so you stand on the right.


But one thing unites all the cities that do have a system - there's conflict when people obstruct the walking lane.


"Able-bodied people standing on the downward escalator are in effect robbing the people behind them of time," says Hamilton Nolan, who writes for Gawker and regularly uses the New York subway.


"Their presumptuous need for leisure may cause everyone behind them to miss a train they would have otherwise caught. Then those people are forced to stand and wait on a subway platform for many extra minutes. Those are precious minutes of life that none of us will get back."


It's not open war, he adds, it's a war waged in the privacy of the enraged minds of walkers who are forced to stand impatiently behind as the escalator slowly descends.


But people who stand defend themselves by telling walkers not to be so impatient, because the escalator is doing the work for them.


On one forum, a stander says: "If the person is in such a rush, why not just take the stairs? Even when the escalator is packed and there's nowhere to move, I see these same people moaning and groaning about not being able to pass."


There are plenty of examples online of frustrated commuters venting their anger about what they regard as anti-social behaviour. Pet gripes are people standing on the wrong side, not leaving enough space between standers, stopping at the top and blocking the way with luggage.


Her picture, published in January, was widely picked up by other media and she thinks the subject tapped into something that people were unconsciously thinking - the etiquette of escalator travel. "Going on escalators is a universal thing, analogous to traffic, and people get traffic rage too."


In Toronto, that tension has been defused since the signs telling people to walk on the left were removed, says commuter Tom Robertson. "You can tell some people get a little annoyed when they are standing behind someone on the left but I've never seen anyone say anything about it. I think many people have forgotten about the signs."


A spokesman for the Toronto Transit Commission said he could not recall any escalator accidents in Toronto.


Indeed, injuries and fatalities on escalators are rare. In Beijing, one died and dozens were injured in 2011 when an escalator suddenly changed direction and threw them off balance. Other cases have involved people being entrapped by clothes or hair, but deaths are very rare.


Despite the blue wellingtons being chewed up in the film, the chance of a stray shoelace or skirt getting caught in the gap between moving steps is minimum, says David Chan of City University London, who researched safety as a consultant on a project to design a curved escalator.


But if you really want to avoid escalators, you should move to Wyoming. The US state has only two escalators, both in a bank. — By Tom Geoghegan, BBC News, Washington , 28 July 2013
Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Courtesy on the Street

On the street a man always walks on the side nearest the curb, whether he is with one woman or several. 

Before discussing the “technique” of how to behave when you are out in the world here are a few simple principles upon which right conduct in public places is founded. One should always be courteous and appreciative of courtesy. An unobtrusive manner and a gracious “Thank you” or “I am sorry”smooth off many rough edges.

On the street a man always walks on the side nearest the curb, whether he is with one woman or several. A man raises his hat whenever he meets a woman he knows, whether he stops to speak to her or merely passes. He also raises it when he is with another man who bows to a woman acquaintance, and when he is with a woman who speaks to someone she knows whether it happens to be an acquaintance of his own or not. He raises it when he has performed a courtesy for some woman whether or not he knows her, such as assisting her should she stumble on a step, or picking up something she has let fall... and he always lifts his hat when leaving a woman he has accompanied. 

When speaking to a woman of his own age a man usually replaces his hat immediately but with an older woman he waits until she suggests that he do so. A man never “takes” a woman's arm when walking on the street in town, though he may “offer” his arm if she is elderly or in need of assistance, or if there is a crowd.– From Etiquette: The Well Bred Way of Doing Things, By Edna Borden Lowe, 1939

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Practice Makes Polite

Because we have a deep-grounded belief that manners, like charity, should begin at home, we are beginning this with what we consider the essentials of this all-important subject.

Manners Improve with Practice

TUCKED away obscurely at the back of most books of etiquette you will usually find a modest page or two about good manners in the home. Perhaps this is because we are supposed to be beautifully behaved within our own doors. Whether or not the assumption is correct, home is decidedly the best laboratory of good manners. Like dancing, skating, golfing and tennis, the little niceties of conduct improve with frequent practice. The people with whom we associate most intimately in our every day lives suffer most if our conduct is thoughtless, and benefit most if it is considerate. Because we have a deep-grounded belief that manners, like charity, should begin at home, we are beginning this little book with what we consider the essentials of this all-important subject.

The Essentials

The very fundamentals of right behavior at home are kindness, appreciation, and respect for the individuality of others. It is not enough to feel kindly– you must act kindly! Be as thoughtful of your husband in the matter of the morning paper as you are in the case of a business disaster. And be as scrupulous about thanking him for opening the door for you as you are when he brings home the new book you so much wanted. It is not enough to respect the individuality of the grown-up members of the family. The age at which a child develops a personality has never been determined exactly. We believe that he comes into the world with it. This personality should be respected– it is what makes him different from anyone else– and it is important!

Never ridicule anyone young or old. The habit of refraining from ridicule will make your home happier and assure you many friends. Never discuss an unpleasant subject at meal times– this will protect the family digestions and save doctor's bills. Do not correct the children in the presence of the family any more than can be helped. And never ... never ... never ... contradict an order given by your husband, if you are a wife, or by your wife, if you are a husband. Husbands and wives should present a united front to their households as well as to the world. If they must have a good healthy quarrel once in a while, let them have it behind closed doors.

Do not unburden your troubles on the members of your family. When real sympathy is needed you may ask for it or give it, but a wife has no right to upset her husband's equanimity because Tommy has been disobedient during the day, nor is a husband justified in inflicting upon his wife a long, sad tale concerning the inefficiency of his stenographer.

Keep up a standard of dress and manners, all day, every day ...remember England has maintained her empire by means of the boiled shirt. Self control is a matter of habit... so is the custom of expressing kindness, which is another way of saying courtesy. When the family is dining at home, the table should be as pretty as possible, and if you are a woman be sure to make some little change in your dress for dinner, if it is only to throw a gay scarf over your shoulders. Then make an effort to be agreeable, so that dinner will be a pleasant interval in the day. If there should be servants present, do not discuss personal matters. Some servants are the supreme expression of loyalty... and some are not. Make a habit of these fundamentals of good manners at home, if for no other reason than because it is the best possible training for good behavior in public. – Etiquette: The Well Bred Way of Doing Things, By Edna Borden Lowe, 1939

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Qatar Etiquette Essentials

Qatar shares the Gulf passion for Arabic coffee, which is prepared by roasting coffee beans then boiling them with cardamom and saffron. —Image source, Qatar Eating.com

Handshakes, shoes and coffee cups:

Doha (AFP) – Home to gleaming skyscrapers and upmarket shopping malls, World Cup host Qatar is also a conservative Muslim country deeply attached to its customs and traditions.


Here are some of the cultural conventions football fans should know when visiting the gas-rich Gulf emirate, which, like other Arab nations, prides itself on its hospitality.

Greetings and handshakes

In public places, it is customary to stand up when greeting others, particularly the elderly, as a sign of respect.

When men are greeting Qatari women, it is best to wait for them to take the lead before reaching for a handshake. Some prefer to avoid physical contact with members of the opposite sex, often for religious reasons.

By the same token, Qatari men might not always offer a handshake when meeting women.

Instead of a handshake, Qataris often place their right hand over their heart as a warm gesture of greeting.

Public displays of affection, including kissing, should largely be avoided. Holding hands, however, is generally accepted.

While use of English is ubiquitous in a country that is 90 percent expat, a knowledge of basic Arabic greetings and expressions of gratitude is greatly appreciated by Qataris.

Shoes off

If you are lucky enough to be invited into a Qatari home, remember to take off your shoes before entering the house.

When sitting with your legs crossed — in any setting — it is considered rude if the soles of the feet are facing the host.

It is common for Qataris to eat by hand from large communal plates placed on the floor — a dining etiquette that dates back to Bedouin desert culture.

And it is important to accept offerings by Qatari hosts, as turning them down could be taken as an offence.

Coffee culture

Qatar shares the Gulf passion for Arabic coffee, which is prepared by roasting coffee beans then boiling them with cardamom and saffron.

The yellowy, tea-like brew is poured out of traditional, long-spouted “dallah” pots into miniature cups and often served with dates.

The dallah, a cultural symbol across much of the Gulf region, is even erected as a monument in public spaces.

When served to guests, it is customary for hosts to try the coffee first, to test for taste.

Guests must always drink with their right hand. The coffee keeps coming until you wave your cup to signal you have had your fill. —© 2022 AFP

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Colonial American Dining Etiquette

Early wooden handled fork with tines of steel.

When a family dined alone the whole dinner was set on the table at the same time and no fuss about it. In the farm household the only concession to a guest, perhaps the minister come to call, was a clean white cloth and an extra dish of pickles or so, but down in the village, particularly at the squire's home, a special feast would consist of two courses, each enough to be a dinner in itself. Tables were not "set" as we do them today. They were "covered." No pretty arrangement of silver, no sparkling glassware, no floral decoration not until much later. The attractiveness of the table depended first upon the symmetrical arrangement of the dishes and secondly upon their individual garnishment. It was an indication of a hostess's achievement when the tablecloth was hardly visible. A characteristic dinner menu, as suggested by Susannah Carter for the month of July, might be:

FIRST COURSE

1 Mackerel, etc… 

2 Herb Soup

3 Boiled goose and stewed red cabbage

4 Breast of Veal al la Braise

5 Venison Pasty

6 Chickens

7 Lemon pudding

8 Neck of Venison

9 Mutton Cutlets

SECOND COURSE

1 Roast Turkey

2 Fruit

3 Roast Pigeons

4 Stewed Peas

5 Sweetbreads

6 Custards

7 Apricot Tart

8 Fricassee of Rabbits

9 Cucumbers

Hostesses might not follow these menus to the letter but that they served dinners equally ample is well documented by sundry travelers of our period from New England's own John Adams, to the English Mrs. Hall. Writing to his wife in Braintree from Falmouth in 1774, John Adams declared, ". . . and a very genteel dinner we had. Salt fish and all its apparatus, roast chicken, bacon, peas, as fine a salad as ever was made, and a rich meat pie. Tarts and custards, &c., good wine and as good punch as ever you made." No wonder a hostess needed guidance! Mrs. Rundell stated only, "the mode of covering the table differs in taste," but Mrs. Carter's publishers wisely provided her readers not only with a bill of fare for every month but also with a chart to show the position of each dish so that the hostess knew exactly how to place her dishes on the table. No need to mark the individual places; a plate for each diner, a knife and fork, perhaps a wine glass though it was generally advised to place the glasses on the side table or sideboard and let the diners ask for what they wanted in the way of liquid refreshment. That was all that was necessary.— From “Customs on the Table Top: How New England housewives set out their tables,” by Helen Sprackling, 1958

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Simplicity in Dress

 When we see a female of light, delicate complexion, penciling her eyebrows until they are positively black, we cannot but entertain a contempt for her lack of taste and good sense.

As we have already remarked, the secret of perfect dressing is simplicity, costliness being no essential element of real elegance. We have to add that everything depends upon the judgment and good taste of the wearer. These should always be a harmonious adaptation of one article of attire to another, as also to the size, figure and complexion of the wearer. 

There should be a correspondence in all parts of a lady's toilet, so as to present a perfect entirety. Thus, when we see a female of light, delicate complexion, penciling her eyebrows until they are positively black, we cannot but entertain a contempt for her lack of taste and good sense. There is a harmony in nature's tints which art can never equal, much less improve. — From “Manners, Culture and Dress,” 1893

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Taste in Dress

Take care that your appearance should not convey a forbidding idea to the most superficial observer. — Vogue Magazine, 1893

“Taste,” says a celebrated divine, “requires a congruity between the internal character and the external appearance; the imagination will involuntarily form to itself an idea of such a correspondence. 

First ideas are, in general, of considerable consequence. I should therefore think it wise in the female world to take care that their appearance should not convey a forbidding idea to the most superficial observer.” — From “Manners, Culture and Dress,” 1893

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Early American Dining Table Etiquette

Farm dinner table, early nineteenth century, with white linen cloth, Staffordshire, redware, and pewter.

Glass did not appear on the average table until close to the end of the first quarter of the nineteenth century. Glass could be had if one could afford it, for the merchant who sold “crockery” also sold glassware, which like his earthenware generally came from England or perhaps Ireland. “. . . Pint and half pint tumblers, Wine Glasses, Goblets, Vinegars, cut and common Salts, glass pint Mugs, Bird fountains, Inks, Mustards, Smelling Bottles, Proof Vials, Jill, and half Jill Tumblers, Butter Coolers, &c.” ran a Hartford ad of 1790 which also listed a large supply of “blue and white and cream coulor'd.” But glass was much more expensive.

There was actually little need for glass on a country table in those days. “Cyder” was the rural New England drink for adults and children morning, noon, and night-for breakfast, dinner, and supper, with a big pitcher of it for evening entertainment, the daily drink of sustenance and the gesture of hospitality. It never tasted better than out of a wooden noggin, a pewter tankard, or a “pottle-sized” (two quart) mug.

A man’s social standing and his pocketbook, both, could be gauged by what he drank. To the man of substance in the village, for example, who had just built a handsome mansion for himself and had acquired his tastes and fashions “down Boston-way,” glass was a definite asset if not a positive necessity. His more urbane standard of living and the friends who came to see him required the proper glass. — From “Customs on the Table Top: How New England housewives set out their tables,” by Helen Sprackling, 1958

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

When Irish Eyes Smile for Green

In the book of etiquette it says that all personal notes should be written in either dark blue or black ink. Well, how about a professional Irishman who uses nothing but green ink?

DEAR ABBY: I am enclosing a copy of a well-worn clipping that I've carried in my wallet for 15 or 20 years. I could be the person described here. It fits me to a “T.” I'm Irish and buy everything in green that I can furniture! - even my office

Please print that letter again. The Irish will love it. - R.E. MEVERS, CHARLESTON, S.C. -

DEAR MR. MEVERS: I saved your letter for St. Patrick's Day:

DEAR ABBY: In the book of etiquette it says that all personal notes should be written in either dark blue or black ink. Well, how about a professional Irishman who uses nothing but green ink?

This man is so proud of the fact that he is Irish that he never lets anybody forget it for a minute. His house is painted green. He drives a green car, and has cute little sham- rock designs on everything from his business stationery to his mailbox.

Don't you think someone ought to tell that Jolly Green Giant that using green ink for correspondence is not considered good etiquette, in case he doesn't know better? Sign me... KNOWS BETTER.

DEAR KNOWS BETTER: I'm sure it wouldn't faze him, but you can bet your shillelagh he's gained more by being a professional Irish- man than he's lost. – Dear Abby, Desert Sun, 1989

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and “English People”

Queen Victoria Giving the Bible to an African Chief (The Secret of England’s Greatness) —Image of painting by Thomas Jones Barker

“HOW TO TREAT ENGLISH PEOPLE”

THE highest lady in the realm, Queen Victoria, is always addressed by the ladies and gentlemen of her household, and by all members of the aristocracy and gentry, as “Ma’am,” not “Madam,” or “Your Majesty,” but simply, “Yes, ma'am,” “No, ma'am.” All classes not coming within the category of gentry, such as the lower professional classes, the middle classes, the lower middle classes, the lower classes (servants), would address her as “Your Majesty,” and not as “Ma’am.” The Prince of Wales is addressed as “Sir” by the aristocracy and gentry, and never as “Your Royal Highness” by either of these classes, but by all other people he is addressed as “Your Royal Highness.”

The other sons of Queen Victoria are addressed as “Sir” by the upper classes, but as “Your Royal Highness” by the middle and lower classes, and by all persons not coming within the category of gentry; and by gentry, English people mean not only the landed gentry, but all persons belonging to the army and navy, the clergy, the bar, the medical and other professions, the aristocracy of art (Sir Edward Poynter, the President of the Royal Academy, can always claim a private audience with the sovereign), the aris tocracy of wealth, merchant princes, and the leading City merchants and bankers. The Princess of Wales and all the princesses of the blood royal are addressed as “Ma’am” by the aristocracy and gentry, but as “Your Royal Highness” by all other classes.

A foreign prince is addressed as “Prince” and “Sir” by the aristocracy and gentry, and as “Your Serene Highness” by all other classes; and a foreign princess would be addressed as “Princess” by the aristocracy, or “Your Serene Highness” by the lower grades, but never as “Ma’am.”— From “Manners and Social Usages,” by Mrs. Sherwood, 1884

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Iced Tea Etiquette

Iced tea is believed to have been invented at the 1904 St. Louis World Fair by expatriate Englishman, Richard Blechynden. More Americans drink their tea iced, as opposed to hot tea. 

Richard Blechynden, a British expatriate, is credited with inventing “iced tea” at the St. Louis World’s Fair in 1904, though it is believed that many Americans in the deep Southern American states had already been drinking their tea chilled by that time. It is the most popular way of drinking tea in the United States.

 Fresh-brewed tea is usually served in a tall glass with ice cubes, a slice of lemon slotted to the rim, and a long spoon for stirring in sugar or honey. Combination “Straw-Spoons” were produced in silver, aluminum and stainless steel, throughout the 19th and 20th centuries to  enable stirring and drinking one’s iced tea, so that the spoon did not have to be removed, thus avoiding staining one’s table or tablecloth.

Iced tea is the only beverage that you can properly drink with a spoon still in the glass. If you are not given a straw or straw spoon for drinking your iced tea, clever hostesses  will use a “butter pat” or similarly sized, iced tea spoon caddy  (a tiny silver plate to the right of your glass) to rest the bowl of your spoon in. Most restaurants will serve your iced tea on a saucer for the same purpose. 

If you are offered none of these options above,  it’s best to leave the spoon in the glass. The spoon handle can be held in place with the tip of the index finger, while sipping from the glass.— Maura J. Graber, 1990

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Bachelors and Etiquette

Except in a fashionable society, the bachelor who leaves cards of courtesy on all the friends of his social circle once a year is rare. Women are much more thoughtful about sending notes of condolence and congratulation than men. In fact, bachelors as a class bother their heads very little about the nice points of etiquette unless they find themselves in a position where it will be clearly to their advantage to do so. 

Certain Universal Rules

“Bachelors have a right to be fussy, especially old bachelors.”— Fanny Fern

In the minds of some persons bachelors are more or less beyond the pale of conventional etiquette. This is especially true of the American point of view, for here social matters are left much more largely to women. Women are supposed to conform to the laws of etiquette, but bachelors —when they are not in the society of women of their own families —may supposedly give conventional etiquette very little thought. 

No one expects a bachelor to pay party calls. Men never do, anyway, unless their wives or sisters or mothers lead them to it. Except in a fashionable society, the bachelor who leaves cards of courtesy on all the friends of his social circle once a year is rare. Women are much more thoughtful about sending notes of condolence and congratulation than men. In fact, bachelors as a class bother their heads very little about the nice points of etiquette unless they find themselves in a position where it will be clearly to their advantage to do so. 

Some of us seem to agree with Franklin that “bachelors are a nondescript in human society, like the odd half of a pair of shears of little use until joined to its mate.” It will be recalled that in Colonial New England bachelors were especially taxed, and that the puritanical legislators stipulated that every bachelor should either live with some family whose duty it should be to see that be attended meeting on Sunday with certain regularity and otherwise to watch over his behavior. Apparently, then as now, bachelors were supposed to be the class of persons most indifferent to social regulations and social requirements. 

At the present time, however, especially in large cities the man who is not married is coming to be regarded as a more responsible sort of person. He can no longer excuse himself on the ground that rules of etiquette were not made for him. In fact, there is a social code of etiquette especially devised and applicable for the unmarried man who is no longer a youth. If he wishes to have the comforts of his own home, he may keep house and he may entertain his friends in his home—but all this has to be done with a certain conformity to convention or he is just as much, criticized as is the woman who defies convention.— By Mary Marshall Duffee, Morning Union, 1918

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Cutting a Steak

Modern steak knives by Towle, without the customary, not to mention helpful, serrated edges. Earlier steak knife blades were made of steel.

What Readers Ask— “When you go to dinner with a gentleman and are served a steak, who should cut it and how should the knife and fork be held in cutting the meat.” 

The man who orders the steak may carve it, but it is more usual nowadays for him to ask the waiter to carve at a side table and then pass the steak. 

Needless to say, steel knives should be at each place when steak is served and a special carving knife should be supplied if it is to be cut at the table. In carving, the knife is held in the right hand and the fork in the left. The carver grasps the knife and fork firmly, but takes eare not to let his fingers touch anything bu!t the handle. 

In cutting it on the plate, one cuts off just a morsel at a time. To cut it all up at once is, of course, childish. The knife is held in the right hand and the fork in the left. The European way is to eat with the fork always in the left hand, but it is permitted in this country to take the fork in the right hand if for convenience sake.”— Mary Marshall Duffee, the Morning Union, 1918

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Traveling with Nutmeg

A monogrammed, Gilded Age gentleman’s sterling nutmeg grater in the shape of a melon. This was made by the Gorham Manufacturing Company. The melon was a popular design for nutmeg graters from as early as the Georgian and Regency Eras. The pocket sized grater is inside the melon, which also holds the nutmeg, so it was safe during travel. A generous gentlemen who would pull such an item of the precious spice from his pocket, would certainly offer to share with his peers, but it would be impolite to first request a gentleman share his nutmeg.— According to Antique Trader.com, “Nutmeg was highly coveted and revered by wealthy and fashionable people, so much so that they carried around their own pocket-sized nutmeg graters to add a dash of the spice to anything at any time, which was usually punch and other beverages. These graters are now valuable collectibles.”

Small boxes suitable for carrying in the pocket, and used to contain nutmeg were particularly popular during the eighteenth century. At this time nutmeg and other flavors had been introduced from the East and were in great favor throughout England. A nutmeg grater was actually a small silver container fitted with an inner grate attached to the cover on the inside. This permitted the dust to fall through into the box. The graters were made in a great variety of styles and shapes, but the general purpose of all was alike. It is interesting to note that they were in use throughout the first half of the Victorian era. — From “The Book of Old Silver,” by Seymour B. Wyler, 1937

 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Traveling Utensils and Fork History

Photo of a retractable travel spoon bowl with the fork attached, alongside a photo of the back of the spoon bowl, sitting next to the two-tined fork which fits inside it to make a spoon. Presumed age is any time from the mid-1500’s to early 1700’s

Around the year 1400, when people carried their eating utensils with them, a folding silver spoon was made to fit the pocket. Later a fork was added. Even the wealthy did not provide these utensils; only royalty seemed to have had enough for their feasts and banquets.

Everyone carried his knife in a scabbard fastened to his belt, to use at mealtime and on any other occasion when a knife was needed. Those who could not afford silver used spoons, knives, and forks of pewter. Copper and brass spoons were used, too, by persons of limited means, although copper soon lost favor due to its tendency to rapid oxidation. 

During the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries, in the Tudor period, it was fashionable to give a christening gift of twelve spoons, each adorned with a miniature statue in silver of one of the twelve apostles. Sometimes a “Master” spoon bearing the figure of Christ was included. These sets are exceedingly rare today. Our “pitcher spoon” originated in Elizabethan days, when great starched ruffles were worn around the neck, making long-handled spoons a necessity.

In Italy, in the 1500s, knives and forks generally appeared on the tables of the cultured, but it was another century before they were popular in France and England. At one time in England it was considered effeminate to use a fork and it took several decades for the people other than the upper classes to adopt it. The clergy even protested its use “as a substitute for God-given fingers.”

In America, too, forks were freakish novelties: when the first fork was imported by Governor Winthrop in 1633, people thought it comical. They could not see any need for it, since most of their meats were cut up and cooked in ragouts and stews. Recipes of the time called for meat to be “y-mynced, hewed on a gobbet, hacked, diced and skerned.” Two-pronged forks to spear food were the most commonly used at first, but early models were made with three and four prongs too.— From “The Book of Old Silver,” by Seymour B. Wyler, 1937

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

An Interview with Alisa Kazka

Meet Alisa Kazka. Alisa is a Blue Ribbon Award Winner from our Second Annual International Place Setting Competition. Alisa is shown sitting at her Regency Era place setting.

🍽️🍽️🍽️🍽️🍽️🍽️

Alisa Kazka is an etiquette consultant and a table setting specialist from Ukraine. Alisa writes, lectures and provides etiquette training. She told us that she is currently living in Kyiv, because her hometown is not safe. Alisa wrote, “The love for this topic appeared in my childhood and I gradually studied and got acquainted with etiquette and art of table setting. I really love the beauty and cosiness in the house, so I apply the knowledge that I share with my students to my home. I love beautiful porcelain and use it every day in serving.” 

Congratulations, Alisa!

Alisa’s choice of table elements was surprising, until we learned of her circumstances. Alisa was living away from her home and her country, due to the war in Ukraine. She could only use what was on-hand where she was temporarily living.   

           What an inviting menu for an Italian with a love for Italian foods! This is a table I’d love to sit at for dinner. We would have loved to have seen a menu more in line with foods that one generally thinks of during the Regency Era, but I’m certain that a soup, vegetables with pasta, fish with white wine, and ices, etc… were likely served on fine tables of the era.

              

1. How did you choose the menu and various elements you used in your setting and why? Please explain each of the utensils in your setting… For which of the foods on your menu (or course) was each different item intended? 

1) My table setting consists primarily of knowledge and love for porcelain, history, etiquette, and beauty. The menu is made up of favorite dishes of the Italian kitchen, which I am a fan of.

You may notice that cutlery is not from the same collection and modern production. Unfortunately, due to the war in Ukraine, I am far from home, my favorite dishes and serving items were left at home, so I didn’t have to choose dishes and cutlery. But, it was very important for me to take part in this competition, to represent my country and myself as a professional, so I took what was in my temporary home and fit the beautiful Regency Era theme.

I wanted to create an airy, romantic table setting that would capture the spirit of the era - Royal Albert porcelain did a great job of emphasizing this, and antique-style glasses from a nearby store helped to set the necessary accent.

2. Why did you choose this particular period in time to set your table?

2) Regency Era is my favorite, it's an inspiring time with a unique style and exquisite porcelain, the spirit of that era, dresses and balls, good manners, and incredibly beautiful table setting. When I saw the proposed list, I didn’t doubt for a second what to choose! I really wanted to show this in my table setting.

3. How, if at all, did Covid-related social restrictions affect your choice of setting? Were you ready to celebrate? Feeling in the mood to do something different? Etc… 

3) Covid did not affect the choice of conditions. And if my family were nearby, I would gladly celebrate with them. But, due to the events in Ukraine, I was forced to leave the house, so I will celebrate with my relatives via video call.

4. Have you always enjoyed a properly set table? Or, if not, was the table setting something you learned to enjoy through your social life and/or business later on in life? 

4) I have loved tableware since childhood. It has always been important for me that the table should be beautiful: a white tablecloth, porcelain, and beautiful tea pairs for breakfast.

I often helped my grandmother to decorate the table, and arrange cutlery. Like many years ago, I still love the perfect table, beautifully served food, English porcelain, and French faience, always flowers and appropriate decor. In such an atmosphere, communication with family becomes special.

5. Did you do any research on table setting etiquette before setting your elements at the table? 

5) Yes, sure! I professionally study the subject of etiquette and table setting. Before participating in the International Place Setting Competition, I also re-read Maura Graber's articles about the Regency Era and was inspired by films about this era.

 6. Do you plan on entering again next year?

6) Yes, with great pleasure! I was very happy to take part in the International Place Setting Competition, it gave me inspiration and the push to move on! I want to thank Elizabeth Soos and Maura J. Graber for the opportunity to participate and show my knowledge, experience, and love for table setting, to be inspired and filled with strength to go forward!

Elizabeth Soos and I would both like to congratulate Alisa on her award winning setting. We are honored that she entered our contest and love meeting others who are so willing to share their talents, enthusiasm for etiquette, and their wealth of knowledge. Congratulations!

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia