Good Manners and Good Breeding

Pictured from 1912, a young Georgia Lacey. In 5 years, she would, her parents hoped, be a well-mannered, well-bred, young lady… full of hopes and dreams for her future.

Best of Manners Are Indispensable in One Who Wishes to Appear Well-Bred

If the need of good manners evident in mankind, how still more evident is it of womankind. Granted that truthfulness, gracefulness, considerateness, unselfishness are essential to the breeding of a true gentleman, how infinitely essential must they be to the breeding of a true lady! That her tact should be even readier, her sympathies even more tender, her instincts even finer than those of the man, seems only fit and natural. 

In her, all the minor observances of etiquette are absolutely indispensable. She must be even more upon her guard than a man in all those niceties of speech, look and manner, which are the especial and indispensable credentials of good breeding. Every little drawing room ceremonial, all the laws of precedence, the whole etiquette of hospitality must be familiar to her. And even in these points, artificial though they be, her best guide, after all, is that kindness of heart which gives honor where honor is due, and which is ever anxious to spare the feelings and prejudices of others.

Every mistress of a house, be it remembered, is a minor sovereign upon whose bounty the little court depends. She must take especial care that her servants are capable, well trained and reliable, and that her domestic arrangements are carried on as noiselessly and easily as if by machinery. In a well ordered household, the machinery is always in order, and always works out of sight. No well bred woman talks of her servants, of her dinner arrangements, or of the affairs of her nursery. One feels these matters to be under her surveillance, and that fact alone is guarantee of their good management. 

The amusements and comforts of her guests are provided for without discussion or comment; and whatever goes wrong is studiously withheld from the conversation of the drawing room. And let no lady, however, young, however beautiful, however gifted, for one moment imagine that the management of her house can be neglected with impunity. If she is rich enough to provide an efficient housekeeper, well and good; but even so, the final responsibility still rests upon her, and her alone. No tastes, no pleasures, must stand in the way of this important duty, and if even that duty should at first seem irksome the fulfillment of it is sure to bring its own reward. – The Morning Union, 1917

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

An Interview with Mrs. Astor

Mrs. Astor from the life sized portrait by the celebrated French painter, Carole’s Duran, now in Mrs. Astor’s Fifth Avenue home.

The Leader of the New York “Four Hundred,” through “The Delineator,” Sends Her First Message to the Public 

Mrs. William Astor, the oldest living member of the Astor family, who has just retired as supreme head of that exclusive set known as the New York “Four Hundred,” gives to this issue of “The Delineator” her first interview on public affairs in fact, it is her first public utterance. When the question of selecting the New York Social Register became a matter of necessity, the Astor family was found to be the oldest in New York, and so it was given precedence, and its oldest member was naturally the social leader. 

By virtue of this position she was simply Mrs. Astor, it never being necessary for her to use or sign any other name. Indeed, it would have been a breach of one of the old rules of social etiquette. Here, for the first time, Mrs. Astor tells the American people what she thinks abouť a great many subjects that are foremost in their minds. She talks very freely and very frankly, and the interview is all the more remarkable in view of her extreme conservatism and the fact that she has always successfully discouraged newspaper prominence. Mrs. Astor was Caroline Webster Schermerhorn, when in 1855 she was married to William Astor, a grandson of the first John Jacob Astor.

ABOUT two years ago I found myself in New York, having just returned from Europe, where I had been living for a number of years. There were many pleasant things in store for me on my return home, and chief among them was an interview with Mrs. Astor. I had looked forward to it for a long time, since I much admired her, not only because of her leadership in New York and Newport society, but because I had heard through her friends so many tributes to her simplicity and charm and her many intellectual interests.

Mine was an unusual opportunity for meeting her. She was aware of my appreciation of her, and she knew that she could trust me. Then, too, it happened that she was interested in many of the people and the things I had just come from; one subject led to another, and we went from scenery to society, from art to artists, from politics to the philosophy of life. I was especially impressed with her wide range of thought and her independence of judgment, by her graceful manner and choice diction. restraint and tact were as remarkable as her her to use or sign any other name. Indeed, it would have been a breach of one of the old rules of social etiquette. 

Here, for the first time, Mrs. Astor tells the American people what she thinks abouť a great many subjects that are foremost in their minds. She talks very freely and very frankly, and the interview is all the more remarkable in view of her extreme conservatism and the fact that she has always successfully discouraged newspaper prominence. Mrs. Astor was Caroline Webster Schermerhorn, when in 1855 she was married to William Astor, a grandson of the first John Jacob Astor.

Her courage of utterance. Enthusiastically patriotic, she did not hesitate to condemn certain phases of American life as seen in New York; but she was full of opti- mism for the future. Her own intimate knowledge of America was limited to New York and Newport, she said, and she did not allow herself to make sweeping generalizations about America or Americans.

“I Believe in a Republic”

She said she welcomed particularly what seemed to be a reaction in favor of dignity and decency in New York journalism; that it was only a few years ago that certain quiet, inoffensive women like herself were in constant terror of the papers. For that reason, she had not seen a journalist for twenty years or more. “As far as I was concerned,” she said, “they were never unkind, but rather too kind. 

I would say ‘Good morning’ in the drawing-room to some cultivated young woman or an immaculate young man, and the next day’s paper would have two or three columns of things I never even imagined! There is a good deal in English journalism that we hope to see in New York, particularly the high sense of honor and personal responsibility that English journalists manifest. “Although I have been in Europe a great deal, I and personally supervise their education at home dur- ing the critical early years. They are in love with their husbands and devoted to their interests.

“Yes, I have heard that our young women smoke and drink and do other terrible things. I know a great many of them and know them very well, I have known them since they were born, and I am quite sure there is not one in my circle who is a cigarette fiend or who drinks to excess.”

One of the principal reasons for Mrs. Astor’s life-long interest in society, she said, was her interest in young people. She enjoyed having them about her, enjoyed planning for their amusement. But she said that she felt also that a woman placed by birth or marriage at the head of a great family had no uncertain ‘call of duty to maintain the dignity of the old name.

“That consists in setting a standard for true living in the private life as well as in the public,” Mrs. Astor continued. “One must have high ideals and do the best one can to realize them. My ideals in society have always been very definite. I have not realized them, but who does realize his ideals in this world?”

Circus-Tent Entertainments

“I am not vain enough to think New York will not be able to get along very well without me. Many women will rise up to take my place. But I hope my influence will be felt in one thing, and that is in discountenancing the undignified methods employed by certain New York women to attract a following. They have given entertainments that belonged under a circus tent rather than in a gentlewoman’s home. Their sole object is notoriety, a thing that no lady ever seeks, but, rather, shrinks from. Women of this stamp are few in New York, but, alas! they are so appallingly active! They have done untold harm to the good name of American society in the minds of foreigners. 

When a distinguished man arrives from the other side, he is seized upon relentlessly, although possibly a total stranger to his hostess, and plunged into a mad whirl of extraordinary festivities. He enters upon them with much the same spirit that we would have as spectators of an Indian war-dance. And thus he forms his opinion of all of us. 

I have never entertained a foreigner in my life unless he came to me with a letter of introduction. “The best women in New York society, those of the greatest influence and those who give it its true tone, are almost unknown outside of their own circle. Society newspaper notoriety is interesting to them as it is to me, as a study, a very amusing one, too, sometimes, as one gains so much information about certain women supposed to belong to us, but whom we never see and do not know even by sight.” 

Some American Impossibilities

Mrs. Astor’s ideal of society, she said, was the old French salon in the heyday of its power and prestige. Then history was often made where charming and intellectual women held court attended by the most
distinguished statesmen, poets, artists and financiers, and elegance and breeding were as imperative as reading and writing. “The political hostesses of London have a much better chance of realizing such an ideal today than we women of New York. Over there you find at the big balls and musicales a brilliant array of cabinet ministers, journalists, ambassadors, men and women of the stage, painters and poets, and the powers of the money world such as no leader in New York could bring together or would attempt to bring together thought of doing it all my life, but have never seen the possibility of success. 

In the first place, we have too many politicians in America, where in England they have statesmen. Many of our senators and congressmen seem to base their title to public favor upon their uncouth manners and lack of refinement, upon the fact that they have discarded socks or once wore blue jeans. If they were all like Mr. Roosevelt, what a difference there would be! Mr. Roosevelt is a true American, but he would be at home in the most elegant court in Europe. He is not above paying scrupulous attention to his wardrobe and his manners. Any hostess in New York or Newport would be proud to entertain him, and the men in Washington like him.

“Many people seem to think I could have done a great deal in making New York society as democratic as it is in London and open to any one of intellectual attainments, as it is over there. But one can do only one’s best under the conditions. English people all recognize a certain authority in social matters. The King is the leader of society, and the hostesses who gather about them such brilliant men and women can be as independent as they wish to be without assuming the responsibility of an onslaught upon their own domains. The King’s authority is never questioned, and the authority of the great old families is never questioned.

“We have to be more exclusive in New York because in America there is no authority in society, and Americans in general are not inclined to admit its possibility. Each woman is for herself and trying to outdo the others in lavish display and mad extravagance, with little thought of any ultimate good or any ideal.”

A Woman of Ideals

She came back so often to that word “ideal”! Mrs. Astor is a woman of ideals, and when she talks of them her face lights up in a marvelous way. Her face- how shall I describe it? It was youthful with enthusiasm, the gray eyes sparkled with animation, prepared, even eager to meet a young girl on her own ground of vigorous buoyancy and vivacity.

Very vividly do I recall my first sight of her and the picture she made as she came slowly down the broad marble stairs, not with any apparent feebleness, although a jeweled hand grasped firmly the iron balustrade. She was smiling cordially beneath the big black hat and lace veil, dressed entirely in black, unrelieved even by the conventional white at neck and throat. The gown was cut severely plain, and out-lined a youthful, supple figure, not in the least inclined to embonpoint. As she advanced, I saw that she was about medium height, a little less, perhaps, and as straight as an Indian. 

The head, well set on the rather broad shoulders, was carried high, not with arrogance but good breeding. The waves of soft black hair were youthful, too. But youth does not have the deep, sweet lines of resignation that characterize Mrs. Astor's face, nor the gentle light of her eyes, the light that comes to a woman with motherhood, and glorifies her ever afterward if she be true to that motherhood. 

The smiles of youth are not those that come bravely forth after tears have been shed and battles fought in the inner sanctuary of the soul’s retreat, the tears and the battles which are inevitable to, maturity. Whatever impassiveness Mrs. Astor may consider necessary to assume on usual occasions was thrown aside for the moment, and in her face the true woman shone forth.– In the San Jose Mercury-News, article by Rebecca H. Insley, September, 1908

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and a 1981 Astor Table Setting

“Before the Theater” by Mrs. Vincent Astor… Another setting from “The New Tiffany Table Settings” book of 1981 — In my opinion, this table is a mess. Clearly an “artistic” decision was made here as the Astor name was involved. Why else for a “table settings” book, was this “setting” allowed? Certainly it would have been much more appealing to show the table set for an anticipated coming meal. It was inappropriate to show a table after the meal had presumably been eaten, unless the goal was merely to show how the Astors dine and what it looks like prior to the table being cleared.

The days of Mrs. William Waldorf Astor, decked in diamond tiara and diamond stomacher, royally presiding over the Four Hundred at her Fifth Avenue and Sixty-fifth Street mansion have long faded into American social mythology. The more modest New York dinners of her granddaughter-in-law Mrs. Vincent Astor continue, however, to be as impeccably Astorian as followers of our great American dynasties could wish. 

For an intimate pre-Broadway theater dinner, Mrs. Astor has chosen a richly gilt and painted “Flora Danica” porcelain dessert service, and “Olympian” vermeil, already a popular Tiffany pattern by 1895 when Mrs. William Astor built her Fifth Avenue mansion. 

There are antique finger bowls that belonged to Mrs. William Astor, and a set of “Koskull” etched crystal stemware copied from models made in 1790 for Baron Anders Koskull, founder of Sweden's Kosta glassworks. These remarkable glasses, although they relate to Louis XVI style, are closely akin to George III English crystal and not unlike glass used in America at the time John Jacob Astor arrived from Walldorf in 1783.

To break the essential regularity of formal settings, Mrs. Astor favors multiple bouquets in miniature vases. Here she uses a dozen or so small crystal pears and apples holding roses and freesias irregularly grouped about a crystal “sweetmeat tree,” its hanging baskets brimming with flowers and crowned with strawberries.

Following the guests’ departure for the theater, the dining room’s set of four French Regency caned armchairs has been pushed back from the round Louis XVI table. An eighteenth century French pastoral panel attributed to Jean Pillement backs the candlelit scene. – From “The New Tiffany Table Settings” Book, 1981

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Modern Manners Q&A of 1931

Some rules of manners are “modern” but most are in style during every era… “What is an inexorable rule at formal dinners? Talk to those sitting next to you, never across the table.”

1931’s “Modern Etiquette”

Q. May a hostess ever invite a woman to any social function, without her husband? 

A. Yes; an invitation to the husband is not obligatory.
 

Q. What is the old belief concerning the custom of the bride's throwing her bouquet to the bridesmaids? 

A. That the one catching it will be the first to be married.

 

Q. When in boxes at the theatre or opera, where does the host generally sit? 

A. Directly behind his wife.

 

Q. To what two rooms are the butler's duties confined?

A. The dining room and the drawing room.

 

Q. What is an inexorable rule at formal dinners?   

A. Talk to those sitting next to you, never across the table.

 

Q. If you get in someone's way, or have seemed to be discourteous, what should you do?

A. Be ready with a polite "I'm sorry," or "I beg your pardon."– By Roberta Lee, Tulare Daily Times, 1931

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Manners and Diplomacy 101

The amusing and fascinating book, Cherry Denman's, ‘Diplomatic Incidents -  Memoirs of an (Un) Diplomatic Wife’

Table Manners and a Semi-Diplomatic Guide Book

Good table manners are more than just knowing which fork to use. They reflect your respect for others, your cultural awareness, and your overall poise. In professional settings, they can enhance your image and build trust. In social situations, they contribute to a pleasant and enjoyable atmosphere. Remember, it's not about perfection as you will soon discover! It's about showing consideration and confidence. She writes, 
“Never underestimate the usefulness of official entertaining. When ice needs to be broken, when friendships need to be forged and contacts consolidated, what better tool to use than food and drink?” 

I want to share with you one of the funniest books I have read so far is Cherry Denman’s, “Diplomatic Incidents - Memoirs of an (Un) Diplomatic Wife.”  You really do will laugh out loud at experiences that she and her husband, a diplomat for the United Kingdom, encountered when posted to a new assignment. I’m sharing my favorite excerpts from her wonderfully detailed book and I am sure you too will ‘lol’. 

 Let’s really dig in to some delicious bits of Denman’s book…

“Charlie has never flinched in the service of his country. He has chomped his way through jellyfish, ducks' feet, slugs, deep-fried scorpions, donkey burger, assorted testicles, unmentionable innards, turtles, frog-snot, swallows' vomit, snake, dog, camel's hump, yak's eye and my cooking. He was even offered bear's paw on one trip round China and when he drew the line at this, his hosts tried to insist he ate it because next year it would be an endangered species.”

Wow, has that happened to you at someone’s house or at a restaurant? It has happened to many the world over and when you think about it, yes, it does make your stomach turn. How do you bring it light without making drama at the table? Simply, call over the servers point to the offending object and hopefully your meal will be replaced. At someone’s house catch the eye of your host, quickly point to it with gaining attention from those at the table and your host should be up and over to you within seconds replacing your plate.

“My first-ever diplomatic dinner party was a disaster. I had discovered through a series of embarrassing misunderstandings that foreigners are in fact a lot more formal than Brits, so I had gone all out to do things properly. I had invited a number of young diplomats from other embassies in Peking.”

I’ve made embarrassing cooking mistakes and boy have I learnt from them. I like to be super prepared. Let’s say it’s an evening event, I will set and decorate the table in the morning making sure glasses and plates are clean and napkins are laundered. A day or two before I will create the menu and match wines and non-alcoholic beverages to the meal served. Just in case a meal fails, I will make extra which will be waiting for me in the freezer or cooked fresh on the day…for those unexpected ‘dining disasters’.

“Chinese National Day is always worth attending because the food is so good, except for one year when their chefs didn't separate the sweet dishes from the savoury. Everyone piled their plates with spring rolls and noodles, dim sum and butterfly prawns, and poured what they thought to be sweet and sour sauce over everything. It turned out to be a sweet, sickly strawberry custard.”

Have you gone to someone’s house and received ‘less-than-likeable-food’, yes, I have! There is a diplomat inside of us that says you-can-do-this. It is polite to eat some of the food served and you can leave the rest. If there is food that meets your approval, why not take a few servings of that dish to show you are enjoying the hosts food.

“As for dietary restrictions, I once had to cook a dinner party for a group who consisted of a Jewish couple, one of whom was diabetic, two vegans, one person suffering from coeliac disease and one who was allergic to dairy products. Oh, and one nut allergy.”

Arrrrhhh that’s me screaming!!! Allergies and dietaryrestrictions are now something that the modern host needs to deal with. Could you imagine dealing with the guests Cherry Denman hosted! As a host it is good to ask if people have these food requirements and for guests to inform the host. This should occur when the invitation has been given so it gives the host fair warning before shopping is completed.

“At a Chinese banquet I spun the Lazy Susan in the centre of the table with such enthusiasm that the protruding serving spoons knocked over all the wine glasses, one by one, sending China's No. 1 Great Wall claret cascading over everyone's deep-fried noodles with pig's intestines, radically changing the recipe to soup. And I was completely sober.”

Always consider something might go awry...be prepared as a girl scout! I’m sure this was quite amusing to see a diplomats wife spin the wheel of fortune…or unfortunate! When someone spills, breaks or more, keep your cool, smile and proceed to fix the mistake with flawless ease and pretend it never happened.

Other Tricks and Manners’ Minded Tips

Basic Etiquette

Start with the basics. Arrive on time, greet your host or hostess warmly, and offer to help with drinks or appetizers.

Mobile Phones

This is a big one! Silence your phone and avoid checking it during meals. It's a sign of disrespect to those around you.

Ordering and Eating

Be mindful of others when ordering and take your time eating. Avoid making noise while eating or drinking and elbows off the table.

Passing Food
When passing dishes, always pass to the right. If a dish is being passed around, don’t grab it directly across the table; wait until it comes to you in the natural order.

Engaging in Conversation
Mealtime conversation is an art. Listen attentively and engage with others but avoid controversial topics unless you’re in a setting where such discussions are welcome.

Handling Difficult Foods
Certain foods can be tricky, such as pasta, soup, or shellfish. For shellfish, use the appropriate utensils or your hands as needed, and always follow the lead of your host if you’re unsure.

Responding to Service
Treat waitstaff with respect. If you need to get a server’s attention, raise your hand slightly or make brief eye contact rather than calling out or waving.

In our increasingly casual world, it’s easy to dismiss table manners as outdated or unnecessary. However, good manners transcend the table; they are about respect, discipline, and cultural awareness. Ultimately, table manners are a form of communication, silently conveying your appreciation for the food, the company, and the shared experience. So, the next time you sit down to eat, remember these tips and tricks, and take pride in the art of dining well. –By Elizabeth Soos, Founder of Auersmont School of Etiquette & Protocol

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette. Elizabeth is currently traveling throughout India and brushing up on her Hindi.

www.auersmont.com | +61 466 344 331 | auersmont@gmail.com

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia © Etiquette Encyclopedia

Artistry in Silver Patterns

Wallace made some lovely patterns back in the day. The book “Beauty Moods in Silver” features several popular patterns. Patterns that my eyes are drawn to though, were all designed in the Gilded Age. The 1899 Art Nouveau pattern, Love Disarmed, by Reed and Barton is a stunning and sumptuous design. My favorite! ~ The pattern was described on one website like this: “Dressed in a sheer gown with shoulders exposed, Venus’ shapely figure forms the handle of each piece.  Surrounded by flowers, curling vines and acanthus leaves, she looks down at her son, Cupid, who coyly peeks out from under her right arm.  Holding his quiver of arrows, Cupid looks up, seeming to ask for something, perhaps his bow?  Venus’ right arm is held high behind her head, she may have the bow hidden there behind her mantle of flowers.” — Fran Repousse.Wordpress.com

A Higher Artistry Wallace Third Dimension Beauty

A composer, bending over his piano, strums a motif on the keyboard. It is beautiful even in its unadorned simplicity.

The composer nods his head in approval. He is satisfied with his basic material, from which he will build a masterpiece of sound-he then proceeds to score an orchestral pattern of sonorous harmonies, with sweep and depth and breadth and counter melodies to enrich the main theme, scoring it to completely form a third dimensional grandeur. Lo! the simple motif has become a symphony— and, finally, we are privileged to hear a glorious production, sculptured in the perfect fullness of its musical conception.

It is this rounded beauty, this three dimensional quality, which Wallace has added to silver flatware in many fascinating and subtle ways. The focal point of the design, or the design in its entirety, may thus be climaxed by this sculptural technique. In this superb quality of sculpture, the front, back and profile have a correlated artistry that blends into a form of glorified unity. In ordinary flatware, the motif is simply "embossed" upon the surface of the sterling.

The design has been executed in only one or two dimensions. The resultant effect is comparatively dull and flat, and the fascinating interplay of scintillating highlights, reflections and shadows in the silver itself reduced to a minimum. In Wallace Sculptured Sterling, the pattern is not just a surface adornment, attractive only when viewed front-face. Wallace Sculptured Patterns have a third dimension beauty.

Picture a coin with the head of a man stamped in relief upon its face. Then picture the bust of that same man, sculptured by a master, the marble fully and magnificently formed, front, rear and profile and you have the basic difference between a design that is embossed on the surface and a design that is sculptured in three dimensions.

In Wallace Sculptured Sterling, form is fundamental, because only through the realization of full form can the shimmering beauty of the silver be fully revealed, and the mood of the pattern properly expressed. As in a symphony, the simple motif is made sculpturally perfect in the final drama of its conception. To possess a set of sterling sculptured by Wallace is to own a masterpiece that is a genuine work of art. — William Wallce for Wallace Silver, 1943

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Words

 "Etiquette" is not what so many people think a set of restrictions and rules, often hypocritical, boring and useless. It is a code of behavior, an approach to pleasant relationships with other people, based on consideration and kindness. Neither should manners be false or restrictive. They are "guideposts on the road to good taste"- a way of doing something which has been proved to be most attractive and most practical over many years. – Image from the 1970 book, “Did I Do That?” By Dorothy Laux 

Watch Your Language – 

Keep it Up-to-Date

There are many words whose meanings are frequently misinterpreted, and some are words which are often associated with etiquette. I have selected a few that often appear misused in letters from my readers. My definitions are not necessarily those found in the dictionary, but they describe the connotation of the word from the point of view of good usage and good taste. 

Look at each word and then read my definition to see whether you have been using it in the best way, according to etiquette.

1. Formal. Formal should not be used as a noun meaning either an evening gown or an elaborate dance. It is a synonym for ceremonial, and an adjective meaning an extreme degree of correct- ness.

2. Party. Party should not be used to refer to one person, except in legal usage. It is not correct, for example, to say "Who was the party with you the other night?" A party is a social gathering, or a group of associated people, such as a political party.

3. Lady. All women are not ladies. The definition does not depend on the wealth or the social background of the woman, but to distinguish: "A lady is a woman with a good memory, always remembers others and never forgets herself."

4. Gentleman. Again, all men are not gentlemen. Το deserve the latter definition a man "may be in shirtsleeves actually, but he never gets into shirtsleeves mentally."

5. Etiquette. "Etiquette" is not what so many people think a set of restrictions and rules, often hypocritical, boring and useless. It is a code of behavior, an approach to pleasant relationships with other people, based on consideration and kindness.

6. Manners. Neither should manners be false or restrictive. They are "guideposts on the road to good taste"- a way of doing something which has been proved to be most attractive and most practical over many years.

7. Junior. Every boy who is named after an older relative is not necessarily a Junior. Only a boy whose name is identical to his father's is entitled to be Junior. Boys named after uncles or grandfather, are second, third, etc…

8. Home. Not to be confused with house, which is a solid, physical structure. Home conveys the spirit and the personality of the house. It is literally "where the heart is." – By Elizabeth Post in the Highland Park News-Herald & Journal, 1970

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Etiquette and Wedding Gifts

The gift display has not gone out of style, says Miss Black, but more effort is directed towards showing presents harmoniously and in good taste. Growing in favor is the trousseau tea, she says. This is given by the bride’s mother for relatives and friends and is the only opportunity for them to see all the gifts. – Frank Sinatra and Celeste Holm perusing wedding gift display and singing, “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” In the 1956 film “High Society” – Image source, Pinterest

Display of Wedding Gifts in Good Taste

When wedding plans are made, give some thought to the delicate subject of what you’ll do with the wedding gifts. A mother of a June bride-to-be asked me what current attitudes are on the display of wedding gifts and for the answer I checked with a top-notch bridal consultant, Norma Black.

Some customs are changing. Many mothers of this year’s brides were married in wartime in small and extremely simple weddings; displays and fancy receptions weren’t feasible or desirable. We can also remember the gala weddings of pre-war days when gifts were displayed like so much loot with cards attached and sometimes even the wrappings.

NOT OUT OF MODE

The gift display has not gone out of style, says Miss Black, but more effort is directed towards showing presents harmoniously and in good taste. Growing in favor is the trousseau tea, she says. This is given by the bride’s mother for relatives and friends and is the only opportunity for them to see all the gifts.

If the reception is given at home, gifts may be displayed at the time in a separate room. When the reception is held in a public place, gifts may be shown to friends in the home a few days prior to the wedding day. In any event, displays are always at the home, never in a public reception hall.

SHOW THEM ALL

If space allows, all gifts should be shown. In limited space, show gifts from close relatives and friends. When duplicates have been received, only one of the items need be displayed.

Do not include gift cards or wrappings in the arrangement of presents. If checks are shown - and this is a matter of choice - the amounts should be covered, although this will work a hardship on the ladies who enjoy comparing who gives what and how much.

The arrangement itself reflects the taste of the family, Miss Black believes. White or ecru linens should cover the tables and decorations (candles, flowers, etc...) used sparingly.

An easy rule to remember is that a well-balanced display needs a high and a low point. Group in one place items that will be used together. Show just a few pieces from tablewear sets.

ARRANGE SILVER

For example, if the bride’s parents have given her the traditional sterling silver flatware, show just one place setting. Arrange the sterling in a place setting with pieces of her china and crystal surrounded by serving pieces which will be used with them.

Other types of wedding gifts such as kitchen appliances, household items and linens can be arranged in attractive individual groupings at one end of the display table or on separate tables.

Because a wedding gift display is a concentration of highly desirable items. I would consult local police officials about safety precautions.– By Kay Sherwood, Newspaper Enterprise Assn., May, 1962

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

1920’s Sugar Etiquette

A Second Début Article from 2019

Observing proprieties has become a national obsession. Everybody’s doing it. Etiquette used to be confined to paper-covered hand books. Now it is applied to everything—even sugar.

New Rules for Housewives in Latest Sugar  Etiquette 

Observing proprieties has become a national obsession. Everybody’s doing it. Etiquette used to be confined to paper-covered hand books. Now it is applied to everything—even sugar. There are distinct rules for the use of sugar and the careful housewife is going to see that they are obeyed. ‘‘But it really is not proper” will floor all disputants who are tempted to use sugar the wrong way.

Take granulated sugar for example. It should be used for baking, cooking, sweetening and candy-making, but it certainly should not be used for iced beverages or for coffee, yet lots of women do not understand this. As a matter of fact, powdered sugar is the proper sweetening for iced beverages, and powdered sugar should also be used on fruits and cereals and for dusting pies and cookies.

There seems to be considerable common sense in sugar etiquette after all.

As for hot coffee and tea and cocoa and chocolate, that is where tablet sugar comes in. One really ought to make a table of sugar rules and hang it in a convenient spot on the kitchen wall. It would keep the housewife posted on what sugar to use in her cooking and also what kinds to put on the dining room table and when. 

It would be convenient to consult the rules when making an icing and learn that confectioners sugar was proper for that and for fondants, or it would be just as convenient to glance at the rules and discover that brown sugar was for baked beans, ginger bread, candied sweet potatoes, all kinds of tarts and cakes and for sprinkling on the children’s bread. There seems to be considerable common sense in sugar etiquette after all. – Calexico Chronicle, 1922

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Are Paper Napkins Proper?

Paper products over a hundred years since this article was written have become much more attractive and durable. Some, like the pink printed napkins are paper, but feel like cloth. This tea table was suitably set for a child’s afternoon tea.

The question is sometimes asked whether or not it is in good form to serve paper napkins with refreshments at a social gathering. One would not find them at the homes of persons of means who could perfectly well afford to have damask napkins. However, since they are perfectly clean, inconspicuous and conveniently answer the purpose for which napkins were invented, it would be absurd to say they were not in good form. Paper napkins would be in far better form at a an entertainment where the use of damask napkins would mean an extravagance on the part of the hostess. Where paper napkins are used for a supper it is best to have those that are perfectly white. — Morning Union, 1917

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Making Promises

“He who holds an eel by the tail and a woman by her word, grasps a slippery handle.” This old proverb could have been specifically referring to Mopsy… In the “Mopsy” cartoon strip, which ran for nearly 3 decades beginning in 1937, Mopsy was portrayed as a young and ditzy, rather flaky and vain fashionista, who was continually looking out only for herself. Promises were not taken very seriously by Mopsy unless, of course, someone had made a promise to her!

Danger in Making Impulsive Promises 

Keeping one’s promises is another act of high courtesy. A gentleman or a lady never fails to stand by his or her pledged word. Honor is greatly prized by us all and by keeping our promises even in small matters do we help to prove that we have it. It has been said many times that men have a higher sense of honor than women and one old proverb goes so far as to say, “He who holds an eel by the tail and a woman by her word, grasps a slippery handle.” 

We know, of course, that this saying and the ancient proverb are not true; but we also know that women are more prone than men to make impulsive promises and then find it impossible to perform them. Voluntarily to give one's word to a friend or fellow- worker and then deliberately to break it, is dishonorable, discourteous and not an act of which any well-bred person would be guilty. — By Ida Parker White, 1924

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Who Are the Well-Bred?

On the left, the Countess Olenska in Edith Wharton’s, “The Age of Innocence,” was not considered well-bred. On the other hand, her cousin May Welland, was considered very well-bred. – Image source, Pinterest

Habits That Denote the Well–Bred

Forming the Right Sort of Habits: 

Montaigne said that “Habit is second nature” and the truth of it has never been questioned. It is largely by the habits we form as we go through life that we are judged by our fellow men. These denote among other things our standing in the world where courtesy and good manners prevail and by them we shall rise or fall in the estimation of those with whom we come in contact.

In an office, where one spends so great a part of his life, there are little acts daily performed that will prove at once one's good-breeding. The first of these is self- control; the habit of holding in check, without apparent effort, a flash of temper, an inclination to sulk over a possible slight, a desire to “get even” for some affront, or an impulse to weep or to “talk back” if one’s work is criticized. 

Poise, the ability to retain one’s mental equilibrium, and the power to meet emergencies as they arise without loss of dignity and without an over-exhibition of feeling are hallmarks of good-breeding. This is difficult sometimes for one who is naturally of a high-strung and independent disposition but it can be cultivated. — From “Office Etiquette for Business Women,” by Ida White Parker, 1924

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Much Rudeness at 1884 Ball

 “… the young men should remember that much confusion on the dancing floor is caused by long delays when partners are called...”  A scene from a ball in HBO’s “The Gilded Age,” ~ Image Source Pinterest

A Reprehensible Practice at a Leap Year Dance

One of the noticeable features of the evening was the frequency with which the gentlemen retired to the dressing-rooms o adjust their silk hose. This in itself very well and proper, but the young men should remember that much confusion on the dancing floor is caused by long delays when partners are called. Several times during the night the gentlemen were not on hand promptly, and the generally good natured ladies were offended and in some cases even angry. 

There is another point of etiquette which was over-looked on the part of the gentlemen. At midnight we chanced near a young fellow elegantly dressed in brocaded silk. A lady stepped up and asked: “May I see you to supper?” “Oh, how nice; but mamma says I must take the children,” replied the thoughtless male. “How many?” “Six” “The suffering Moses: Do you take me for a bank?” “Oh, I don't know.” “But I do, and blast me if I'll ever have any six dirty brats toddling after me. Not much and the offended girl walked indignantly off.”

Again we must repeat that the management is not at fault; what few hitches there were during the program are to be credited only either to the innate depravity or unthinking blunders of some who smuggled themselves past the police guardian at the door, As for him, we recommend This removal from the force; for it is his business to know people and to shut out those not moving in society circles. – In the Stockton Mail, Boston, 1884

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Guide to Basic Australian Slang

“Chuck a U-ey - When you're driving and suddenly need to make a U-turn, you ‘chuck a U-ey.’ It's as simple as that. Just be sure to check for kangaroos before you swing around…” – Etiquipedia Site Editor’s note: It’s similar to the American “Hang a U-ey.” We don’t have the kangaroos, though!

A DINKUM GUIDE TO AUSSIE “SLANGUAGE”

G'day mates! If you've ever found yourself down under and felt like you were speaking a different language, fear not! You've just stumbled upon the land of Aussie slang, where the lingo (language) is as unique as the wildlife (kangaroos and koalas). So, chuck on your thongs, grab a cold stubby, and let's dive into the dinkum world of Australian slang. 

• G'day, Mate! - The quintessential Aussie greeting, "G'day" is short for "good day." It's a laid-back way to say hello, whether you're meeting a friend or just passing by. And "mate"? Well, that's your buddy, your pal, your cobber. Aussies throw it around like confetti.
• Fair Dinkum - If something is fair dinkum, it's genuine, real, and true. Aussies use it to vouch for the authenticity of a statement or to express disbelief. "You caught a fish this big? Fair dinkum?" 
• Arvo - We love to shorten words. Afternoon becomes "arvo." So, if someone asks to catch up in the arvo, it means they're suggesting a meet-up later in the day. 
• Thongs - No, not the underwear. In Australia, thongs are flip-flops. So, if someone tells you to put on your thongs before hitting the beach, they're not getting too personal—they just want you to be comfortable! 
• Chuck a U-ey - When you're driving and suddenly need to make a U-turn, you "chuck a U-ey." It's as simple as that. Just be sure to check for kangaroos before you swing around! 
• Barbie - No, not the doll. Aussies love to throw a prawn (shrimp) or snag (sausage) on the barbie (barbecue). It's practically a national pastime. So, if someone invites you to a barbie, expect farm fresh food, good company, and maybe a cold beverage or two. 
• Stubby - Speaking of beverages, a stubby is a small bottle of beer. Whether you're enjoying it on a scorching arvo or at a ripper party, a stubby is a quintessential Aussie refreshment. 
• There you have it—a crash course in fair dinkum Aussie slang. When someone asks if you're keen for a chinwag (small talk) over a cuppa (coffee or tea) or a cold one (beer), you'll be ready to join the ranks of true blue Aussies. Cheers, mate!

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette. Elizabeth is currently traveling throughout India and brushing up on her Hindi. 

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor or the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Office Apology Etiquette, 1924

The imperative "pardon me" is not courteous unless prefixed by “please” and even then is not quite so good in form as the first phrase. This is equally true at all times when a simple apology is made.

Apologies, How to Make and How to Receive Them:

Office etiquette for business women

In the carrying out of the various office duties during the day there are many times when one has to do little things that call for apology. In such matters as reaching across the desk or table of a nearby worker to get some necessary papers or other materials one should never neglect to apologize. "I beg your pardon" is all that need be said and it calls for no answer, a smile will show sufficiently that the apology is accepted. The imperative "pardon me" is not courteous unless prefixed by "please" and even then is not quite so good in form as the first phrase. This is equally true at all times when a simple apology is made.

If a more explicit apology is necessary because of something for which one is really sorry, such as the careless disturbance of another's work, the upsetting of an inkwell or any similar accident, it is not polite, nor is it kind to dismiss the act with a curt "pardon me." "I'm sorry, I did not mean to do it," and an offer to help repair any damage will express courteously and adequately one's sense of responsibility for the trouble and will be a sufficient apology. 

To receive an apology of this kind with a cross or surly reply is highly discourteous, regardless of one's feelings at the moment. An apology should always be graciously received, no matter what the occasion, for it presupposes some humiliation on the part of the person offering it and to relieve this feeling in another is only the kind and right thing to do. After this little exchange of courtesies the decent thing is to forget that the accident occurred and to refrain from comment about it later with one's officemates.– From “Office Etiquette for Business Women,” by Ida White Parker, 1924

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor or the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Trenchers: The Early Way to Dine

An 18th C. pewter plate or trencher… “… wooden trenchers, even in the first half of the first New England century, gave place to pewter, and the great number of pieces of pewter table-ware still found in New England country homes would alone prove to how recent a date pewter utensils were universally used.”

Wooden trenchers, made by hand, were used on the table by the colonists for more than a century. I find them advertised for sale with pewter and china in the Connecticut Courant of May, 1775. These trenchers were either square or oblong. From an oblong trencher two persons, relatives or intimate friends, sometimes ate in common, just as they had done in old England. Two children frequently ate from the same trencher, thus economizing table furnishings. 

In earlier times man and wife ate from a single trencher or plate. Walpole relates that the aged Duke and Duchess of Hamilton, in the middle of the last century, sat upon a dais together at the head of their table and ate from the same plate- a tender tribute to “unreturnable youth,” a clinging regard for past customs, and a token of present affection and unity in old age.

A story is told of a Connecticut planter, that having settled in a quickly-growing town and having proved himself to be a pious God-fearing man, his name was offered to his church for election or ordination as a deacon. Objection was made to him, on the ground that he had shown undue pride and luxury of living in allowing his children each to use and eat from a single plate at the table, instead of doing as his neighbors did-have two children eat from one trencher. He apologized for his seemingly vain manner of living, and gave in excuse the fact that previous to his settlement near New Haven he had been a dish-turner, so it had not then been extravagant for the members of his family to have a dish apiece; and having grown accustomed to that manner of "feeding," he found it more peaceable and comfortable; but he was willing to change his ways if they considered it de- sirable and proper, as he did not wish to put on more airs than his neighbors.

But wooden trenchers, even in the first half of the first New England century, gave place to pewter, and the great number of pieces of pewter table-ware still found in New England country homes would alone prove to how recent a date pewter utensils were universally used. The number would doubtless be much larger if it were not deemed by metal-workers that new pewter is of much better substance if the metals composing it are combined with a certain amount of old pewter. Hence old pewter always has commanded a good price, and many fine old specimens have been melted up to mould over again for the more modern uses for which pewter is employed by printers and lapidaries.

The trade of pewterer was for two centuries a very respectable and influential one. The Guild of Pewterers in London was a very large and powerful body, and English pewterers, men of worth, came with other tradesmen at once to the Colonies. Richard Graves was à pewterer of Salem in 1639, and Henry Shrimpton, an influential merchant who died in Boston in 1666, made large quantities of pewter ware for the Massachusetts colonists. The pewterers rapidly increased in numbers in America, until the War of Independence, when, of course, the increasing importation of Oriental and English china and stone ware, and the beauty and interest of the new table - ware, destroyed forever the pewterer's trade.— By Alice Morse Earle in “China Collecting in America,” 1924

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor or the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Thailand’s Manners and Customs

“Forks and spoons are the primary utensils in Thailand, and chopsticks are used for noodle dishes or in Chinese households…” – Did a fork save Thailand? According to Saveur Magazine, as Europe colonized all of Thailand’s neighboring countries in the 1800’s, King Mongkut modernized his kingdom to prevent a political takeover by Western powers. He Westernized his military strategies, advance women’s rights, and invited in Western business in, while his brother lead the adoption of Western cutlery. The fork, it is said, “saved” Thailand from colonization.

Thailand can be surprising to most visitors. I had visited Thailand many times, approximately 15 years ago, and I would compare it to modern-day Mumbai, where taxis and tuk-tuks ruled the roads, bargaining was king, and shopping was very inexpensive. Today, Bangkok meets gentrification, clean elegance, and modern manners.

Let’s look back in history of Thailand was previously called Siam. The name “Syam” likely originated from the Portuguese, who encountered it during their diplomatic and trade missions to the Ayutthaya Kingdom in the early 16th century. By the 19th century, it had become firmly established in Western locations.

The late 18th century saw the establishment of the Chakri Dynasty under King Rama I, which led to the foundation of modern-day Bangkok as the capital. Thailand is unique in Southeast Asia for maintaining its sovereignty during the colonial era and skilfully navigating diplomacy to avoid European colonisation. The country underwent significant modernisation and political changes in the 20th century, transitioning from an absolute monarchy to a constitutional one. Thailand, in 1939, adopted its current name.

In the early 1990s, when visited Thailand, I saw women, especially those wearing mismatched pyjama-type clothing, crouching on the street. Today, how you dress and behave indicates your social status. This means your clothing is modest, clean, and neat.  Notably, sitting correctly on a chair is considered correct when sitting in front of elders, in formal places, or in temples.

In Thailand, gift-giving is informal, emphasising thoughtful wrapping, though colours like blue, black, and green are avoided due to their association with mourning. It is generally considered disrespectful to open a gift in front of the giver if invited, and gifts are usually small tokens like sweets or souvenirs.

At the heart of Thai culture lies the concept of ‘sa nùk’, which emphasises fun, enjoyment, and a relaxed approach to lifewhich makes Thai’s hospitable and enjoy hosting visitors as honoured guests. When getting to your destination, remember not to be overly late, as Thais today will keep to a time schedule.

Before entering someone’s house, take off your shoes. It is respectful to step over the threshold of the door, as it has to do with Buddhist religious beliefs. When you say hello, you will use ‘the wai, ’ which is a traditional greeting that involves placing your palms together in front of your chest and bowing slightly. The higher you place your hands, the more respect you show.

Forks and spoons are the primary utensils in Thailand, and chopsticks are used for noodle dishes or in Chinese households. Guests are often served additional helpings and encouraged to eat generously, but leaving a small amount of food on the plate signals satisfaction. Utensils should be placed together on the plate after eating.  It is impolite to use personal spoons for communal dishes. Starting with rice and a couple of complementary dishes is also considered polite. Avoiding initially overfilling your plate.

Today, the Thai people value patience and politeness. Avoid raising your voice or losing your temper in public. Also, pushing and shoving to get on and off the metro or sidewalk is not advised. Instead, you will calmly line up on the sides of the sliding doors to the metro train, wait until people have disembarked, and then walk on, finding yourself a spot to sit or stand. If there is an elderly person or a parent with a young child, it is customary to stand and offer your seat.

One crucial point to note is the deep reverence for Thailand's monarchy. Criticism of the royal family is considered highly disrespectful and can have serious legal consequences. For instance, in January 2024, the German news agency Deutsche Welle reported that former Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra was facing legal action for allegedly insulting the monarchy during a 2015 interview. Therefore, it is imperative to avoid any negative comments about the royal family. — By Elizabeth Soos, Founder of Auersmont School of Etiquette& Protocol

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette. Elizabeth is currently traveling throughout India and brushing up on her Hindi.

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor or the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia