The Kindness of the Poor

Will these orphans grow up with better manners than those they perceive to be “their betters?” — In the etiquette books there is one consideration in regard to manners that we never read about, what we owe from the example of the poor. The assumption seems to be that it is the well to do that have the best manners. Here is one of those illusions that we accept as truths simply because we don’t stop to think about them. 

A Matter That Is Overlooked and Is Not Even Mentioned in the Books on Etiquette 

ELLEN TERRY, during her last engagement here, presented a remarkably fine play from the Dutch, called “The Good Hope.” She appeared as an old fisherwoman, who gave up to the sea everything she loved in life. When loss on loss had fallen upon her, she lost her last son, her favorite, the hope of her old age, because the owners of the vessel the boy was forced to go as sailor on, to save money, failed to make reasonable provisions for safety. They had, of course, protected themselves by insurance. So to them, the foundering of the ship was of little concern. At the close of the play the old woman was seen in the office of the ship owners and was presented by one of the ship owner’s kind-hearted women folk, with a bowl of soup. Very respectfully and gratefully she accepted it. Then, slowly and with dignity, carrying the bowl in both hands, she walked out of the office, the embodiment of meek and lowly suffering. 

If Ellen Terry had done nothing else in her whole career, the way she played that little scene would have shown her to be a great actress. Only a fine and sympathetic spirit could have conceived and realized the character under such circumstances. The old woman, crossing the stage in her cheap clothes and her heavy wooden shoes, will always remain with me as one of the wonderful achievements of acting. It illustrated far more vividly than any word could do, the patience of the poor with the rich, their forbearance, their kindness. 

In Europe, the situation is more plain than in this country. I shall never forget the astonishment I felt on my first day in London when I rode in an elevator, or, as they say over there, in a “lift.” There were several others in the car. As we went from floor to floor and as some passed out, the elevator man would say, with an air of profound respect, “Thank you.” That little incident was typical of many incidents that I was to witness in England and on the Continent. They all expressed what seemed to me a strange attitude. Those people showed that they were grateful for being allowed to live. For this privilege they felt that they must show their superiors all kinds of gratuitous courtesies. 

At that time we were having the bicycle craze. I made several trips on a wheel in England and in France. It was both amusing and pathetic to note the deferential kindness of the poor wherever we went. They apparently thought because we had leisure to go tearing about the country, we must be in some way worthy of special consideration. In France, as we passed, old women would bob quaintly as we passed and say: “Good day, gentlemen and ladies.” In the etiquette books there is one consideration in regard to manners that we never read about, what we owe from the example of the poor. The assumption seems to be that it is the well to do that have the best manners. Here is one of those illusions that we accept as truths simply because we don’t stop to think about them. 

As if there could be any manners in the world worse than those that, either openly or covertly, convey the sense of patronage! For pure kindness, for the resignation of self in favor of others, there are no manners that can compare with the manners of the poor. Sometimes people complain of the familiarity of inferiors. At the slightest intimation that an inferior is growing familiar they are likely to show great resentment. But the familiarity of the poor is very slight as compared with the familiarity of the well to do in their attitude toward the poor. Indeed, advantage opens the door to all kinds of familiarity with those less fortunate, intrusion into private affairs, the asking of intimate personal questions, the giving of unsolicited advice, and the use of first names. 

One of the quickest ways by which superiority is asserted and established is by means of familiar address. But the inferior must never take the same liberties. On the contrary, the inferior must show here, as in so many other situations in life, patience and kindness. In nearly all the affairs of life, the poor are gallantly showing kindness to those more fortunate than themselves. I have even seen them give up seats in streetcars to the better dressed, though they have paid the same amount of carfare. And I have seen them show wonderful forbearance when the better dressed have betrayed annoyance or resentment at being obliged to sit beside them. 

I once heard a man, a well dressed man, too, give a fashionably attired woman a stinging rebuke for behavior of this kind. To her companion, dressed in expensive clothes like herself, she openly spoke of her annoyance at being obliged to herd with “such awful people.” “If you don’t want to herd with such awful people,” the man exclaimed, “you ought not to ride in a public conveyance. You ought to ride in your own carriage.” Of course, that man was extremely rude and the woman acted wholly within her rights when she left the car at the next street corner. Some of the ill clad who looked on smiled. But most of them merely showed astonishment.

The poor are always at a disadvantage. They are always giving to those better off. Even in church you will find them in what we call “the poorest places.” Whenever they thrust themselves forward, instead of being welcomed because of their needs, they are resented. And if, as occasionally happens, they forget their manners, they are treated as if they were habitual and outrageous offenders. The truth is that they are the most retiring and the most obliging and the kindest people in the world. They are continually reminded of what is given to them. But the world, ‘til lately, has been unaware of how much they give, how prodigal they are in their kindness! — By John D. Barry, 192

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia