Breach of Bridal Shower Etiquette

“… before becoming angry about it, please consider that this was ignorance on the part of the couple or the families.” — as the advertisement reads, “Sooner or Later, everybody needs Amy Vanderbilt,” Or a comparable book of etiquette!

DEAR ABBY: I have a wedding etiquette question. Twice within the last month, I've been invited to a bridal shower without receiving an invitation to the wedding.

I have witnessed a social blunder or two in my day, but this takes the cake. Are you with me on this, Abby? —DISGUSTED IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR DISGUSTED: Το invite someone to a bridal shower who will not be invited to the wedding is a breach of etiquette. However, before becoming angry about it, please consider that this was ignorance on the part of the couple or the families. — Hanford Sentinel, 2003

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

New Year’s Etiquette Baffles Korean

“Among other things, she had made a very excellent and rather large cake, which she expected to distribute in small slices to her callers.

A 2nd Debut Article from 2016

******************** 

Eastern Etiquette Met Western Etiquette, 

on New Year’s Day, Leaving One Gentleman Sick

******************** 

A Native’s Call Upon an American Lady

The native Koreans, who have become familiar with foreigners and their ways, take very readily to the custom of calling and eating on New Year’s day. and one American lady had a very peculiar experience with a native official in Seoul on New Year’s day. 

She was keeping open house and had made preparations for receiving her guests in the proper manner. Among other things, she had made a very excellent and rather large cake, which she expected to distribute in small slices to her callers. A party of native gentlemen arrived, and having given one of them a cup of tea, she placed this large cake before him, with an invitation to help himself. She then went with the others to another room and was gone some time.

When she returned she saw, to her horror, that her cake had all but disappeared. The native, according to his ideas of etiquette, had done his best not to leave any of the eatables set before him. The lady’s vexation was banished by a feeling of pity for the poor fellow, who was quite sick from overfeeding. 

It is said that this call was his first and last that day. He declared to his his friends that foreigners “must be all stomach” If they could go from house to house and “eat that much every time.” — London Mail, 1897

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette Guide for Stationery Company

…there are certain ways to word a wedding invitation. It should be engraved in black on two-fold, white or ivory watermarked stationery. You should use a black pen to address envelopes. But what if someone wants to use pink stationery with purple butterflies or unengraved wording? “The customer is always right,” Mac Leary says emphatically.

Stationery Etiquette Expert Still on Duty

If someone needs to know the manner, style or type of stationery for formal or informal engraved, printed or handwritten messages, Kathryn Mac Leary, 71, has the answer. Mac Leary is the guardian of stationery etiquette. She works for Styron Engraving Co., an 84-year-old Louisiana stationery store, where she's been a buyer or salesperson since 1955. But Mac Leary is best known for answers she gives people around the world in matters of proper communication and stationery etiquette.

In 31 years with Styron, she's helped hundreds of brides get married, debutantes get presented and military affairs be planned. She's had a hand in thousands of proper invitations. Her answers always come from a book, usually Emily Post's "The Blue Book of Social Usage," 10th edition, purchased 52 years ago at New York City's Grand Central Station while Mac Leary was on her honeymoon.

"It's worn out," she says. "In shreds." The book's spine separates from its blue cover and is put back together with tape. The title's gold letters are faded. The pages contain written notations. Page 262 is turned down because it refers to wedding anniversary themes, a frequently asked question.

"Emily Post is my favorite," she says. "The others are too modern." It is still up to date, she thinks, because good taste and manners never go out of style. Another book Mac Leary refers to is "The Social Stationery Blue Book" by Crane & Co., manufacturer of fine watermarked stationery and maker of the nation's currency.

Also well-thumbed is the "Vogue Social Book" by Millicent Fenwick. Mac Leary doesn't rely on memory. If a question comes up, "I've got it all written in the book in a million places." Basically, though, when you're talking rules, you're talking formal. "If it's a printed, informal invitation, you can do anything you want to," she says. "You can be wild. If it's formal, engraved, you have to go by the 'Blue Book. There are rules even on sizes of paper for everything."

For example, there are certain ways to word a wedding invitation. It should be engraved in black on two-fold, white or ivory watermarked stationery. You should use a black pen to address envelopes. But what if someone wants to use pink stationery with purple butterflies or unengraved wording? "The customer is always right," Mac Leary says emphatically. However, "it is my responsibility to tell you this is not according to the 'Blue Book.'"

Mac Leary tries to guide customers, but she is not judgmental. She just wants everyone to do it right. She even disagrees with Emily Post on one point. "I say don't take the tissue out that comes with the wedding invitation. She tells you to take it out. But I disagree. I know engravers. It protects the engraving."

In matters of etiquette, she urges people to ask if they don't know. Mac Leary's not snobbish about her knowledge - she's never too busy to guide a newcomer or the socially uninitiated into the uncharted waters of etiquette. – By Margaret Martin for Gannett News Service, 1987

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Etiquette and Carving

I think one of the most trying ordeals which the family man has to undergo during yuletide is struggling to preserve a happy exterior and maintain general good humor among his guests by relating spicy anecdotes just at the time, when in a desperate attempt to sever the breastbone of his turkey ship, the knife slips and casts gloom and gravy over the entire company.

Domestic Economy at Christmas:

Some Thoughts on Carving

It is a good old time-honored custom, that of the head of the family struggling with the still remains of the average gutta-percha fowl of commerce at a Christmas dinner, but we are glad to see a tendency in our best circles to relegate this custom to the musty past, where it rightfully belongs. Some of our best families now employ a servant, who, on an Eastlake sideboard and a small salary, takes a crosscut saw and a can of dynamite and successfully segregates the various choice parts of the fowl, thus giving the host an opportunity to enliven his guests with brilliant bon mots, instead of executing a crude style of gravy spatter-work on their white vests and immaculate shirtfronts.

Isn't this a decidedly more rational treatment of the matter? We hold that the position of the host toward his guest is that of entertainer, and it is not necessary for him to make an athlete of himself in order to occupy such position. You, as a guest, may naturally have your suspicions as to the age of the fowl of which you are invited to partake, but it must not be expected that the head of the house will take off his coat and assassinate the fowl in your presence, in order to prove that it is of an eligible age. Therefore why cannot the late lamented be dissected in good faith at a side-table and by a hired mourner without interference with the general comfort of the guest? 

We are not just sure about the, liberties of this new departure in Christmas-dinner etiquette, but we think it should permit of any guest with an abnormal suspicion of foul (we had almost written fowl) play leaving the table, and, while holding the hired man's coat, personally observe the inquest. No man who has ever served as host can do otherwise than bless the man who introduced this new order of things, which now gives him an opportunity to thoroughly enjoy his dinner instead of having to adjourn pro tern, to the kitchen to bandage a lacerated thumb, and remove several dressing-dados and gravy-symphonies from the lap of his best suit of clothes. 

I think one of the most trying ordeals which the family man has to undergo during yuletide is struggling to preserve a happy exterior and maintain general good humor among his guests by relating spicy anecdotes just at the time, when in a desperate attempt to sever the breastbone of his turkey ship, the knife slips and casts gloom and gravy over the entire company. I think if there is any time at which a man may be justified in feeling not entirely at home, but wishes his guests were, it is when amid half-stifled snickers from the general assemblage, he ties up a cut finger with a handkerchief, and removes a cupful of sage and stale bread from his vest pocket. 

The greatest trouble with men who never carve a fowl except on some festive holiday, is the great dissimilarity of fowls in general when roasted and set upon the table with the usual vegetable garnishments. They are never able to find the joints in the same place on two fowls. A gobbler from Tomales, for instance, may have a full chest and high expressive hipbones; while one from Milpitas may be consumptive-chested and have a collar-bone decidedly on the bias. Such things have a tendency to make the carver nervous, and cause a feeling of stiffness to prevail at a formal dinner party. 

It is also often a source of great distress to the host to have 7 or 8 guests ask for dark meat, when of the two fowls roasted there wasn't more than enough dark meat for the cook, who was particularly fond of it. To obviate this, the plan of ordering an extra brunette hen is recommended. If this preference for dark meat keeps on increasing there is likely to be a demand for a poultry farm that shall produce brunette fowls exclusively. — Written for the Rural Press by Fremont Wood, 1889

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

New Year’s Traditions in New England

A 2nd Debut Article from 2022

In the Old Kitchen, the children enjoy gingerbread animal cookies, and another mug of cider. Thin sandwiches disappear like magic. Have a look at the golden shining Christmas tree, and now “Happy New Year” is being called out everywhere until the last guest has gone.– Illustration of a late 19th C. New Year’s Day open house from The Butt’ry Shelf Cookbook by Tasha Tudor

A New Year's Day Open House

“Rabbits” is the first word to be said on the first day every month. It's an old family custom, reputedly bringing money to anyone who doesn't forget to say it. The fact that it is sometimes hard to see that the promise comes true doesn't alter our fun in saying it. First to awaken, echoing through the house, begins the New Year with the magic word.

Nearly always a cold, cold day, sometimes quite a stormy one, this day in New England — and indeed the country over-is for family and friends of all sizes and ages. The old house is filled to bursting in spite of weather. Boots are stacked high in the front hall, the big four-poster bed in the company room is loaded with coats and caps and mittens. In the Old Kitchen, hot spiced cider is ready for passing in mugs as a good warm-up. This is a welcoming room with its huge fireplace, beehive oven, and blackened ceiling beams.

In the best parlor, the candles have been lighted and the hearth-fire, too. Hot tea and coffee steam in gleaming silver pots reflecting the candlelight. Beside the teapot are a pitcher of cream, a dish of lemon slices with clove, and one of candied mint leaves. On the coffee tray are a bowl of whipped cream and a silver nutmeg grater. Thin Staffordshire cups of green sprig pattern or pink luster, coin-silver teaspoons, and hand-hemstitched tea napkins are arranged on polished mahogany.

The Christmas Cooky Tree is loaded with the last and the best of the butt'ry holiday supply, now dwindled to these saved especially for this party. The traditional family Pound Cake is served on the best Sandwich glass cake plate. A silver bread tray is brought to table, its neat rows of oh-so-thinly sliced Rich Plum Cake fragrant and glistening with “special flavoring.” Grandfather's eggnog on the serving tables invites a toast to the New Year.

In the Old Kitchen, the children enjoy gingerbread animal cookies, and another mug of cider. Thin sandwiches disappear like magic. Have a look at the golden shining Christmas tree, and now “Happy New Year” is being called out everywhere until the last guest has gone. Candles have burned down and the last dish is washed. Back on the top shelf of the butt'ry go the Canton punch and silver eggnog bowls, and upstairs for us all, warmed by friendship and the fun of the New Year's first party.

New Year’s Day Open House Menu

Eggnog                   Hot Spiced Cider

Christmas Cookies            Christmas Candies

Pound Cake                  Rich Plum Cake

Date-Nut Bread Sandwiches 

Gingerbread Animal Cookies

Tea        Candied Mint Leaves      Coffee

From The Butt’ry Shelf Cookbook, by Mary Mason Campbell, 1968 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Wedding Attendants

The Edwardian Bride and Groom with attendants – “The duty of bridesmaid or maids depends on the character of the wedding. Principally it is to stand at the altar as a witness to the ceremonials and to take part in the bridal march or procession.” ~ Image source, Etiquipedia library.

The principal duty of the best man, in connection with the marriage ceremony is to see that the bridegroom does not enter the church without the ring or leave it without his hat. In addition he has to accompany the bridegroom to church and to pay the clergyman his fee. If there are any speeches at the repast after the wedding, it is his duty to propose the health of the bridesmaids. 

The duty of a bridesmaid is to accompany the bride and attend to her in the church. If there is no maid of honor, she performs the duty of that personage - that is, she will raise the veil, if the bride wears one. The duty of bridesmaid or maids depends on the character of the wedding. Principally it is to stand at the altar as a witness to the ceremonials and to take part in the bridal march or procession. 

Books on etiquette, to be seen at the Free Public Library, give in detail what should be done at a wedding, church or home.– San Francisco Call, April 1902

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Dining Etiquette and History in Spain

“Today, Spanish dining etiquette retains traditional elements, such as the emphasis on sharing food, reflected in the popularity of ‘Tapas’, they are hot and cold appetizers brought in platters to share and to keep ordering during your entire meal.” – Most authorities agree that in Spain, to be safe, always use utensils for dining, unless of course you’ve ordered or been served Tapas. Tapas (shown above) are small dishes of shared food, which are typically served as snacks or appetizers. They are a staple of Spanish culture and Spain’s cuisine. Served hot or cold, Tapas can make a full meal, when combined together.

Dining has been since the Roman civilization an important social event and many of their customs laid the groundwork for Spanish dining habits. During the medieval period, the Romans introduced the concept of “convivium”, or banquet, emphasizing the importance of communal meals and shared experiences. Meals were often served on a large platter from which diners would eat with their hands, reflecting both practicality and a lack of formal table settings.

As the Spanish Monarchy consolidated power, particularly under the reigns of Charles V and Philip II in the 16th century, table etiquette began to formalize. The introduction of silverware, intricate table settings, and the use of a variety of dining courses were significant changes. Nobility started to adopt more refined manners, such as using knives and forks, which were becoming increasingly common across Europe.

The Baroque period witnessed heightened ceremonial dining, where elaborate meals were often accompanied by strict rules of conduct. The importance of social hierarchy was evident; seating arrangements, serving order, and the presentation of dishes were meticulously planned to reflect status and power. The practice of holding lavish banquets became a means for monarchs to showcase wealth and influence.

In the 18th century, the influence of Enlightenment ideas contributed to changes in etiquette, including a shift towards more egalitarian dining practices. Although the essence of hierarchy remained, the focus on civility, politeness, and respect became more pronounced in royal circles.

The 19th and early 20th centuries marked a period of modernization. The influence of French dining customs were adopted, like the French style of service “à la française”, where dishes are presented on platters. The concept of a formal dining setting, complete with elaborate place settings and the proper use of cutlery, became increasingly important.

Today, Spanish dining etiquette retains traditional elements, such as the emphasis on sharing food, reflected in the popularity of “Tapas”, they are hot and cold appetizers brought in platters to share and to keep ordering during your entire meal. Formal dining still retains its place, especially in business and state contexts, where a clear understanding of hierarchy and decorum is vital. Greeting before meals, the proper use of wine and toasting, and the order of service are all observed meticulously in formal settings.

The history of protocol and etiquette at the table in Spain is a fascinating reflection of its evolving society. From ancient Rome to contemporary gatherings, dining customs embody the country’s diverse cultural heritage, social norms, and values. Understanding this evolution not only enriches the dining experience but also highlights the ongoing significance of hospitality and community in Spanish culture.

Meet our newest contributor, Isabel. E. Martinez, who was educated in Business Management at the Universidad Católica Andrés Bello, in Caracas, Venezuela. After relocating for a few years to Miami, Florida, Isabel developed a company teaching computer skills. Among her clients were Baccardi in Bermuda, and Mavesa, Telcel (Movistar), and Heinz in Venezuela. That is when she discovered her passion for teaching. As her children became adults, she shifted her focus and dedicated her time to teach on subjects she is very passionate about; Hospitality and Table Etiquette. Throughout workshops in English and in Spanish, Isabel works with employees in the hospitality industry, and those business professionals who when interacting with customers, would like to make sure that they are the most professional representations of their companies. Especially when attending business lunches and events. She also offers youth and teen courses in etiquette, helping them to excel with integrity and pride in whatever field they desire to pursue. To learn more about Isabel, visit her website: www.learningschool2.com or @learningschool_2.

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1960’s Etiquette of Christmas Cards

Due to the large-scale shift in population these days, more and more people are having the envelope imprinted with their name and address. According, to Mrs. Peggy Gilbert, etiquette expert for Norcross, Inc., greeting card publishers, it's not only socially correct, but it's a convenient way of notifying friends of a change of address.

Card Etiquette Adds A Nicety

No one has to speak the tongue to understand the sentiment behind a Christmas card, but sometimes we get stumped on Christmas card etiquette. If you plan to have your cards printed this year, here are some things you might like to know.

While titles like “Mr. and Mrs.” may be used on personal Christmas cards, it is friendlier to omit "Mr. and Mrs." on all but the most formal cards or those in tended for purely business acquaintances. When first names are used, the wife's name should be imprinted first.

It's correct to imprint family cards in informal ways like “The Browns,” “The Brown Family,” and so on, but when sending cards do not address envelopes to “Mr. and Mrs. Jack Smith and Family,” or "The Smith Family."

If possible, send a separate (but different) card to individual members of the family or address the envelope to the parents and on the inside write to “Mary and Jack and Johnnie and Jean.”

Due to the large-scale shift in population these days, more and more people are having the envelope imprinted with their name and address. According, to Mrs. Peggy Gilbert, etiquette expert for Norcross, Inc., greeting card publishers, it's not only socially correct, but it's a convenient way of notifying friends of a change of address.

It is also correct to send Christmas cards to persons in mourning and there are religious cards with quotations from the Bible that can thoughtfully convey a message of comfort, as well as a seasonal greeting.

It is customary to address a widow by the same title she used when her husband was alive, such as “Mrs. Frank Jones.” If you receive a card from someone not on your list, don't feel obligated to mail a card in return. Instead, send a New Year's card or a note of thanks.

Remember the post office at Christmas, too. Address envelopes as plainly as possible, avoid abbreviations and use as much information as possible, such as zone numbers. A four-cent stamp is wisest. Not only will your cards be sorted and delivered first, but you can write personal notes on your cards to friends you seldom see during the year. Santa Cruz Sentinel, 1960

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Yuletide Custom

                                                  

Yule Card Courtesy Important

THE exchange of cheerful Christmas cards between friends is one of our most delightful Yuletide customs and like all other social relationships, it is governed by simple, common sense rules of etiquette.

You may properly send your holiday greetings to almost everyone - business and professional associates, if you wish, as well as social acquaintances and relatives. Be sure to choose appropriate cards, however. If Aunt Jennie is a garden enthusiast, she'll probably appreciate a beautiful flower print more than a dozen Santa Claus designs.

Special Titles

Cards with special titles, such as “Merry Christmas, Mother,” are available for mothers, wives, sweethearts and practically all relatives, including the in-laws, and are a mark of individual thoughtfulness.

If you can spare a moment or two, pen a brief holiday note on each card. It adds a warm sincerity and a touch of your individual personality to your Yuletide greetings. Christmas time is a sentimental and nostalgic season for everyone, and many a friendship has been kept alive through the years by the annual exchange of holiday greetings. Colored ink is entirely proper both for signing the card and addressing the envelope, provided it harmonizes with the color scheme of the card itself.

Signatures need not be formal, expect on engraved Christmas cards. You may have your name neatly printed if you wish, or take your pen in hand and sign the greetings yourself with a holiday flourish.

“Mr. and Mrs.”

Most couples may omit the Married couples may omit the “Mr. and Mrs.” if they prefer and sign their cards simply “Paul and Jenny Wilson.” Either the husband's name or the wife’s may appear first. Children in the family rate a place in the signature, too.

In addressing the envelopes, it is best to send one card to a husband and wife, and separate cards to other adult members of the family, too. As an alternative, one card may be mailed to the whole family if you are careful to write the names of each individual on the envelope, including the children.

Use three-cent stamps for for your Christmas cards, following the rule of good taste which says that first-class friends deserve first-class mail. It is entirely proper to write your return address on the envelope, to help friends keep tab on change of address.

Selecting attractive Christmas cards for each of your friends is a delightful pre-Christmas activity. Don't treat it as a sober social responsibility. Plunge in with a smile and the gay holiday scenes on the cards will soon fill your heart with Yuletide cheer and sentiment." — Mill Valley Record, 1948

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Meeting Millionaires

John Jacob Astor is thought to be the first millionaire in the United States. He immigrated to the U.S. from Germany in 1784. His Walt he came from the fur trade, real estate and even opium sales.– According to one inflation calculator, in the United States, “$1,000,000 in 1955 is equivalent in purchasing power to about $11,772,126.87today, an increase of $10,772,126.87 over 69 years.”–

Public domain image of  a painting of John Jacob Astor.

They are a Hardy Breed…

Millionaires Can Be Strangely Like People

NEW YORK, Sept. 21– Practically everybody alive today sooner or late later will meet a millionaire-and feel worried about it. It was feared for a time that millionaires would die out in this civilization, that they would go the way of the dodo or the extinct passenger pigeon.

Happily, it hasn't worked out that way. The millionaire class has proved a hardy breed. If millionaires aren't quite multiplying like the rabbit, they are at least in- creasing faster than the whooping crane.

The average person, told he is going to meet a millionaire for the first time, finds his heart suddenly beating a bit faster.
“How shall I act?” he asks. “What shall I say to him?” Nervously, he thumbs through his wife’s etiquette book. He finds no help there. Oddly, no etiquette writer ever thinks to include a chapter on “The Care and Proper Treatment of Millionaires.”

They're Even More Equal Than Your Equal

This is a strange oversight indeed. The etiquette writers seem to have the idea that you should treat a millionaire just as you would any other social equal. They are on the right track here, but they don't go far enough. Millionaires are even more equal than your other social equals.

A helpful thing to remember is that, while you are uneasy at the prospect of meeting the millionaire, he may be even more uneasy over meeting you. A millionaire always has the uneasy feeling someone is trying to get at his money, and how does he know you aren't, too? (As a matter of fact, he is probably right. Whoever met a millionaire without the wild secret hope he could help the fellow share the burden of his wealth?)

Time-Tested Tips on Meeting Offered

Here are few time-tested tips on how to get along with a millionaire:

1-When you first shake hands with him, avoid staring at his right-hand hip pocket. It will only make him more nervous if your eyes go instantly to where you think he keeps his wallet. (You'd be wrong anyway. All veteran millionaires carry their wallet in their Inside coat pocket, where they can reach in and pat it gently from time to time.)

2-If you are at a bar, insist on buying the first round of drinks yourself. This will throw him off guard, and he will begin to relax.

3-Talk about harmless topics like politics, sex and the weather. When a millionaire wants to talk about money, he likes to be the one who brings up the subject.

Don't Make Ridiculous Remarks About Money

4-Don't make ridiculous remarks like, "Well, after all, money won't buy everything." The millionaire knows you aren't in a position to say whether this is really true or not. He is.

5-If you have an inside tip on a new stock or horse race, pass it on to him at once. It will please him to know you are interested in seeing him get ahead,

6-Never ask him where is the safest place to keep money. He may be hiding his in the crotches of trees and become suspicious that you are trying to find out his secret.

7- If a millionaire tells you the only road to wealth is by hard work, don't laugh out loud even though you know he inherited his own riches. Look impressed. He may be right. (If f you don't think inheriting money is hard work, just sit down right now and try to inherit some yourself.)

It’s Unwise to Ask Him ‘How Many?’

8-It is unwise to ask him how many millions he really has. If he only has one, it will embarrass him. If he has more than one, he won't tell you anyway.

9-Should you number several millionaires among your acquaintanceship, avoid mentioning the fact. Every millionaire likes to feel he is the only millionaire in your life.

10-Many people in the presence of a millionaire feel an overwhelming urge to praise the income tax. Fight down this temptation or you'll find yourself all alone talking to yourself.

There is one other rule worth remembering: People who really have money usually let it talk for them. If a guy at your dinner table brags he's a millionaire, be sure to count the spoons before he leaves. – By Hal Boyd, 1955

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for the Busy Indian Day

Mornings often begin with preparing lunch for the family—commonly for children heading to school or a spouse heading to work.

Hectic Life in an Average Indian Home

Have you ever taken an evening stroll through your neighbourhood and found yourself wondering about the lives unfolding behind the windows and walls around you? While it may seem like an unusual thought, it sparks a deeper curiosity: what does a day in the life of the average Indian look like?

Living in India has given me a unique glimpse into everyday life, particularly the routines and dynamics within households. The following is what I observed:

Mornings often begin with preparing lunch for the family—commonly for children heading to school or a spouse heading to work. In many households, hired help is integral to daily life. Domestic workers, referred to locally as “maids,” are usually women, though it’s not uncommon to find young men taking up this role as their primary source of income.

The day for many homemakers and remote workers starts with letting in the maid and assigning the day’s tasks. This process struck me as quite different from Western practices. In India, a close eye is often kept on the maid’s work to ensure it meets expectations. For someone from the West, where the typical approach is to outline tasks and trust that they will be completed to a satisfactory standard without constant supervision, this can feel unfamiliar, even uncomfortable.

When I asked local friends about this practice, they explained that close supervision is seen as necessary to prevent shortcuts. Maids are often managing multiple houses and might be tempted to rush through their work to move on to the next. The sentiment shared was: “I don't play around with my money – I want to see it work for me.” While understandable, the process seems exhausting to me as an outsider.

If you’re visiting a friend’s apartment in Mumbai, be prepared for some common entry protocols. At the gate, the security guard will likely stop you, as unfamiliar faces are routinely checked. Be sure to have your host’s full name and apartment number handy. In some cases, you may be directed to the doorman, who might take your photo and collect your details for a security app. This ensures a smoother entry on future visits, as your information will be stored and verified.

In older buildings, you may need to climb stairs — less than ideal in Mumbai’s heat. In newer apartments, you’ll often encounter a double-door entry system: a folding gate followed by the main door. For the elevator to function, you must open and securely close both doors each time you enter or exit. A friendly heads-up: as you leave the apartment after a warm and welcoming visit, and enter the elevator, be prepared for a rush. You might find yourself navigating a flurry of activity, much like stepping off a Mumbai train, with residents eager to get home or maids hurrying between houses to finish their day.

What should you bring as a gift to your hosts house? I have found with trial and error that anything from overseas is perfect, such as chocolates, sweets in generous packaging, tea in a tin and, if you know the man of the house very well, a whiskey. In Mumbai and other states, if you want to bring alcohol to a hosts house and you know that they drink alcohol, as many do not, its best a man go to the shop’s front rather than a woman. As a foreigner, all eyes are on you, as you leave the apartment, on the street, on the bus as I found out one day. I got onto a bus on my usual route and the driver said he had not seen me awhile and I explained that I had moved apartments. Very observant of the driver!

Front doors in India are vibrant and often showcase the family’s name alongside symbols of faith and cultural identity. Hindu households may display torana or bandanwar (decorative hangings of marigolds or mango leaves for good luck), swastika or om symbols for blessings, or items like a kalash or gudi (traditional Maharashtrian flag) during festivals. Some Christian homes might feature a cross, while Muslim homes often have plaques with quranic inscriptions such as “bismillah-ir-rahman-ir-rahim” for blessings and protection. Additionally, some homes use black threads or amulets to ward off negative energies, reflecting a blend of religious and cultural traditions.

Upon removing your shoes and placing them by the door or on a shoe rack — rest assured, they’re unlikely to go missing —you’ll step inside barefoot and be warmly welcomed by your host and their family. Greetings often include a friendly namaste, with hands pressed together, accompanied by introductions to those present. While some Indians may offer a hug or a kiss, it’s best to mirror their approach if they don’t initiate such gestures. Your host will then guide you to take a seat on the sofa, making you feel right at home.

As you take a seat, you’ll be offered water on a tray. It’s a kind gesture rooted in an ancient tradition of hospitality, meant to refresh guests after their journey and set a welcoming tone. It’s polite to accept and appreciate this thoughtful offering. Afterward, the conversation typically begins with inquiries about your health and family, and it’s customary to reciprocate. 

You may be offered chai by your host after drinking water. Please don’t say ‘yes, I’ll have chai tea’, your host will have a wide smile and say ‘chai means tea’ and laugh. 

A compliment about your host’s home, family and work, is always a great way to keep the conversation flowing. Other ice-breakers are asking and knowing about the latest Bollywood movies, actors and actresses and asking who’s your favourite or what is it about the film you like the most? I don’t want to scare you… but you must be very prepared for the next to come… to be asked questions that would be relegated to the ‘no-go-zone’ in western countries such as ‘how much is your rent?’, ‘how much do you get teaching?’, ‘why don’t you have children?’, ‘how much is your house worth?’ and so it goes on. Being prepared is key.

Don’t be surprised if the men break off on a different couch or in a room completely, leaving the women to talk or walk off to the kitchen together. This is a common social dynamic in many Indian cultures, where gender roles and expectations can influence social interactions.

During your visit, you’ll notice the host managing various household tasks. If they have a full-time domestic helper, you might observe them providing instructions, often related to meal preparation. If the host is preparing the meal themselves, expect them to move in and out of the kitchen, with the dining set-up unfolding gradually, rather than being prearranged.

When it’s time to eat, be prepared for a generous serving of food, including a mountain of rice accompanied by roti, papad, and an array of curries. To enjoy the meal gracefully without overwhelming yourself, use the roti or papad to eat with the curries, and reserve the rice for lighter dishes like dal. To politely manage the over-abundance of rice, take small portions and express your appreciation for the delicious meal, emphasising its loving preparation while explaining that you have a small appetite. This approach shows gratitude while ensuring you don’t offend your host.

I didn’t mention this before, you may be offered chai by your host after drinking water. Please don’t say ‘yes, I’ll have chai tea’, your host will have a wide smile and say ‘chai means tea’ and laugh. After your meal you may be offered chai again. Just remember that chai is very sweet and, depending on your host, might be flavoured with a choice of green cardamom, ginger — a winning combination – or even pepper, which is not too bad.

Whilst you are back on the sofa, sipping and talking, with those from Maharashtra, I have found when there is disapproval, affirmation or correction on a subject you are talking about, they will click with their tongue to emphasise how they feel. It’s really an interesting thing that they do and after a while I started doing when speaking in Hindi or English.

Please note that unless you know your host well or you have very important work to do the next day, I mean if you are meeting the Prime Minister of India – an important day, to say the least – then your lunch and dinner meal will run very late and overtime. Have yourself a small snack before your enter uber or a rickshaw, that will fill the gurling in your stomach. A day after the event, it’s nice to say thank you and follow up with a text of pleasantries.

 

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette. Elizabeth is currently traveling throughout India and brushing up on her Hindi.

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

“What Then?” Etiquette

Watching one’s host or hostess, especially when the meal is just beginning, is always helpful. But if they give no indication of which utensils to use first, yet encourage you to go ahead and start, just remember the number one dining rule: Work from the outside in. Always start with the utensil farthest away from the place setting and move in closer to the place setting with each consecutive course.

“A problem for the etiquette sharps: 

Suppose both the guest and the hostess are waiting to see which fork the other will use first? What then?”– San Francisco Chronicle, 1929

On Instagram, I’m sent questions from followers on a routine basis. This was not submitted to me. It’s from a San Francisco Call edition archive online. It was printed in 1929. The truth is, however, that it reads exactly like a question one of my young students would ask today. My youth etiquette class students get very creative with their questions. They want answers that make sense. –Site Editor, Maura J. Graber

Me: “So if you can’t remember what to do, watch to see what your host or hostess does …”

Typical 5th Grader: “But what if they’re watching me to see what I’m going to do? What if they’ve forgotten and know I took an etiquette class?!”

My response: “Fall back to the first rule in dining etiquette and choose the utensils farthest from the plate — to the right and the left — that utensil/s matches the size or shape of the food and dish, and do not use the utensils directly above the plate until you are served dessert.”

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gift Etiquette in Japan

“O-seibo” means “the year-end gift” For me, it means to express my thanks and gratitude to people for being so helpful to me throughout the year. – Elena Gavrilina-Fujiyama

How gifts are given in Japan. The tradition of giving gifts. On the eve of the holidays, we always think about gifts that are not only pleasant to receive, but also even more pleasant to give. Gift culture is very strong in Japan, where the exchange of gifts is of great importance, especially when it comes to maintaining personal relationships. Gifts may be given as a token of gratitude for kindness shown. The one who accepted the gift, in turn, must also show gratitude to the giver.

It is advisable to buy gifts in well-known and prestigious department stores; branded packaging will demonstrate where the gift was purchased. Yes, this is very important, and the Japanese do not consider this some kind of bragging, but a sign of respect.

Usually a gift is presented with the words: “This is a trifle, but please accept it anyway!” However, there is a subtle nuance here: never give exactly a “trifle”! You will be considered, to put it mildly, a stingy person. After these words, the usual ceremony in such cases occurs: the recipient puts the gift aside without unwrapping it and as if not paying attention to it. If he immediately opened the package to see what was inside, it would look like greed.

Having received a gift, you must thank the giver. This, of course, does not mean that you need to immediately run out and buy a return gift, but it is advisable to thank them in writing: for example, send a postcard with words of gratitude or a message in phone messenger. But sooner or later you will definitely need to give something of equal value. As a rule, they order delivery of a gift directly from a department store. But to influential, respected people, gifts should be presented personally. This is required by etiquette.

The topic of gifts is endless and very interesting, I think that it is relevant for many. The tradition of gifts in Japan is an important component of communication etiquette. The Japanese love to give gifts and take great pleasure in the opportunity to give a gift. Very often they give gifts, for example, upon returning from travel, when meeting friends or relatives whom they have not seen for a long time, or to work colleagues.

Gift exchange is a tradition that speaks to the importance of maintaining good relationships between people throughout life.
For example, during the New Year holidays, many Japanese visit shopping malls and purchase seasonal o-seibo gifts. This tradition is unique and has its roots in the distant past. Initially, at the end of the year, it was customary to present gifts to the gods, thereby expressing gratitude for their help and favor in the past year and a plea for help in the coming one. As a rule, it was sake, rice, dried fish, fruits, and vegetables. 

Then gifts began to be given not only to the gods and their servants, but also to people who helped and played an important role in life, for example, parents, family members, teachers, managers, and work colleagues. Such gifts should not be expensive; attention and respect are important. Therefore, even now o-seibo is food, sake, tea, coffee. It is expected that each o-seibo who receives a gift will give the giver a return gift. And in order not to violate the rules of etiquette, this should be done not immediately after receiving, but after some time, so as not to show the donor your reluctance to be obliged.

I would like to note that o-seibo gifts are exchanged not only by individuals, but also by entire companies and corporations, which provides another opportunity to show respect and maintain relationships. After all, an important feature of such gifts, determined by the rules of etiquette, is that once started, this process continues for a long time! Thus, in Japan, gifts play an important role in harmonizing relationships between people.

 

                                                                 

By contributor, Elena Gavrilina-Fujiyama especially for Etiquipedia. Elena is a specialist in Japanese protocol and etiquette, and European social etiquette. The founder of the project Etiquette748, Elena is also a member of the National Association of Specialists of Protocol. She authored the best-selling book “Japanese Etiquette: Ancient Traditions and Modern Rules” after living in Japan for over 20 years. Elena recently was awarded the Diploma of the World Prize “Woman of the Russian World” in the category “Entrepreneurship” (Japan). The theme of the 2024 award is “Preservation and strengthening of the traditional family values.” Congratulations, Elena! 

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for Spaghetti and Noodles

            

Many parents tell children to use their best “company manners,” as if good manners are not for families or one’s home, as well. This is a mistake. Good manners are best when used regularly around those we love and live with. It also helps children to develop good manners as good habits. My grandson, Jaxon, is learning good daily manners, though his technique with spaghetti needs a lot of improvement! Below is an image of a painting showing how spaghetti was once properly eaten in Italy, that was until sauce was added. Sauce was a game-changer!

                    

Old Italian artwork in background on magazine cover, shows how pasta was once eaten properly~ Tubular pasta or other shapes are much easier to eat without spilling. If you’re dining in public, try rigatoni, mosticiolli, cannelloni, bow ties, tortellini or even macaroni when ordering Italian. In Asia, and withAsian dining etiquette, unlike American or European etiquette, slurping up long noodles is considered good manners, as is lifting the bowl close to one’s face.

Some pretty interesting gadgets have been invented to help eat spaghetti and other long noodles. This shown above, is one of the least practical Etiquipedia has seen.

Over time, many inventors have tried to invent forks, spoons and other utensils for the eating of pasta, hoping it would make eating pastas easier and cleaner, but few have actually worked. In the end, any way you twirl it, long pasta or noodles can still be very messy.

This 1939 creation resembles a child’s “food pusher,” but is designed with spaghetti – and other difficult foods – to eat in a “highly genteel manner.” ~  The patent description reads, “Accordingly, in use and practice, the implement may be held in one hand with the scraper face 3 flat-wise upon a plate, dish or the like C as shown in Figure 3. A fork D may be held in the other hand, and the gathering of the particular foodstuff upon the fork D for conveyance to the mouth may be facilitated in a simple, convenient, and highly genteel manner, as illustrated in Figure 3, thereby conducing to the ease and satisfaction of the diner and obviating the frequency occurring embarrassment of ‘chasing food around the plate.’”

Practice makes better, so keep practicing when you can

Some spaghetti etiquette tips:

• If you want to twirl, you may use a spoon to help you. 
Leave the bowl of the spoon on the plate, not up in the air, 
and only try to twirl two or three “strings” at a time onto the 
fork with the help of the spoon. If you put too many strings 
on the fork, the result will be too much pasta once it is all 
twirled. 
• Try not to have any “strings” hanging down from the fork 
that you will need to slurp up into your mouth, or bite off, to 
fall back into your plate. 
• Bring the pasta to your mouth, not your mouth to the pasta 
or plate. 
• If you need to, you can cut your pasta with the side of 
your fork, but never use a knife. 
• Make sure you have a napkin on your lap to catch anything 
that may fall to your lap.  Use your napkin to wipe you 
mouth in between bites too, if you think there is a chance 
you have sauce on your face. 
• Practice makes better, so keep practicing when you can. 
From The RVP Institute of Etiquette 

A 1953 "spaghetti twirler fork" ~ On Eating Spaghetti : "The aficionado knows that the only graceful and satisfying way to eat real Italian spaghetti (which comes in full length or perhaps half-length rounds) is to eat it with a large soup spoon and a fork. The spoon is placed in the left-hand more or less upright in the plate (or often platter) of spaghetti. The right-hand uses a fork with the tip of the prongs against the spoon to wind the spaghetti in to a manageable mouthful. It should not drop off the fork. The fork full of spaghetti is then conveyed in the mouth while the spoon remains in the hand and on the platter. As with any sauce dish, it should be eaten without stirring the spaghetti, grated cheese, and meatballs (or other garnish) altogether, infant style.  The timid way to eat spaghetti is to cut it into small bits with knife and fork and eat it with a fork alone. Thick macaroni can't be eaten rolled on a fork so readily and is better cut with a fork as one goes along. Remaining sauce of each dish maybe eaten with a spoon or sopped up with small bits of bread, which are then eaten with a fork." Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette

Pasta and the Arabs 

In the Jerusalem Talmud, written in Aramaic in the 5th century AD is the first certain record of noodles cooked by boiling. The word used for the noodles was itriyah. In Arabic references this word stands for not homemade noodles, which would have been fresh, but the dried noodles purchased from a vendor. While fresh noodles must be eaten immediately, dried noodles are extremely portable. Pasta was more than likely introduced to Sicilians during the Arab conquests and carried in as a dry staple. The Arab geographer, Al Idrisi wrote that a flour-based product in the shape of strings was produced in Palermo, then an Arab colony.

Macaroni and cheese is not a modern food creation. Numerous recipes for macaroni can be found in cookbooks of the late-19th century. To demonstrate just how popular macaroni was, take a look at these large gilded, macaroni servers from the time period. Only the most popular of foods had utensils designed for serving and eating them at the time. These are excellent examples. The following article is how macaroni got its name. Sadly, as popular as they were, these versatile serving forks fell out of use after the gilded age and never made a comeback . This was despite the fact that they came in numerous styles and were marketed as “fried oyster servers” and as “tomato servers,” as well.

Marco Polo and Pasta

As the Chinese are known to have been eating a "noodle-like food" as early as 3000 BC. Marco Polo describes a starchy product made from breadfruit - hardly what we now know as durum wheat. The myth that Marco Polo brought pasta with him upon his return from China was debunked long ago.  Polo returned to Italy in 1295 after twenty-odd years of travel, but much earlier in 1279, a Genoese soldier listed in the inventory of his estate a basket of dried pasta ('una bariscella plena de macaronis').

A 1933 table-fork designed specifically for any "string-like" food.

New World Tomato Meets Old World Pasta

In the 16th century, the Spanish brought their food discoveries back to the old world. Among the rich assortment of foodstuffs that were to become permanent fixtures in the old world was the tomato. The tomatoes may have been a pale variety as they were given the name 'golden apple' (pomo d'oro) by a Sienese botanist, Pietro Andrea Mattioli. The tomato was born to meet pasta as any Italian might have guessed, and tomato sauce altered the history of pasta forever. The first recipe for tomatoes with pasta wasn't written until 1839, however, when Ippolito Cavalcanti, Duke of Buonvicino, offered a recipe for 'vermicelli co le pommodoro.' A mere thirty years later, La Cuciniera Genovese offered recipes for purées, soups, distinctly different sauces for meats, chicken, veal and pasta. Tomatoes had arrived. 

Vintage and modern table tools for eating long spaghetti~ A simple noodle shaped the history of manners as well as the history of food ~ Until the creation of tomato sauces, pasta was eaten dry, and with one's fingers. The liquid sauce suddenly demanded one's use of a fork.  The manners of the common man were changed forever. 

“A North American father, presumably initiating his son, aged 15, into the world of adult business affairs, took him out to what the boy described as 'a big dinner meeting.' When the company was served spaghetti, the boy ate it with his hands. 'I would slurp it up and put it in my mouth,' he admitted. 'My dad took some grief about it.' The October 1985 newspaper article does not describe the response of the rest of the company. The son was sent to a boarding school to learn how to behave. 'When we have spaghetti,' he announced later, 'you roll it up real tightly on your fork and put it in your mouth with the fork.'

What he described, after having learned it, is the dinner-table ritual --as automatic and unquestioned by every participant in it, as impossible to gainsay, as the artificial rules and preferences which every cannibal society has upheld. Practical reasons can be found for it, most of them having to do with neatness, cleanliness, and noiselessness. Because these three general principles are so warmly encouraged in our culture, having been arrived at, as ideals to be striven for, after centuries of struggle and constraint, we simply never doubt that everyone who is right-minded will find a spaghetti eating companion disgusting and impossible to eat with where even one of them is lacking. Yet we know from paintings and early photographs of spaghetti eaters in 19th century Naples (where the modern version of spaghetti comes from) that their way of eating pasta was with their hands-- not that the dish was likely to appear at a formal dinner. You had to raise the strings in your right hand, throwback your head, then lower the strings, dexterously with dispatch, and without slurping (there are invariably 'polite' and 'rude' ways of eating), into your open mouth. The spaghetti in the picture does not seem to have sauce on it.

Today, spaghetti-eating manners demand forks, and fist fulls of wet pasta are simply not acceptable on any 'civilized' occasion. The son's ignorance cast a dark reflection upon his father: he had not been doing his duty, had not given his child a proper 'upbringing.' Even if the boy had not seen spaghetti before, he subsequently admitted that what he ought to have done was to look about him, watch how other people were eating this awkward food, and imitate them. In any case, the options were clearer after this demonstration of an ineptitude: either the boy learns his table manners, or he would not be asked to 'a big dinner meeting' again by anyone who had heard of his unfinished education.” Margaret Visser, The Rituals of Dinner

In Japan, when you move into a new home, it's customary to present your neighbors with buckwheat noodles known as “hikkoshi soba.”  In addition to being the name of the noodle, soba is a homonym for the word ‘near’ and “hikkoshi soba” is a play on words meaning “We've moved near you.”

A most modern noodle fork.

Contributor Maura J. Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, since 1990, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette.  She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years. Over the past 35 years, Graber has written several books. Her latest,  “Yesteryear… More of What Have We Here?: The Etiquette and Essentials of Past Times to the Mid-20th Century, is available on Amazon.”

      

🍝Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia🍜