How Children Learn Ease of Manner

Good manners aren’t only for when “company” comes to visit. ~The mother was stressing the old idea of “company manners,” and expecting the children to put on culture just as they put on clothes for the dinner party. And because they didn't she was deeply grieved and disappointed.

A mother remarked the other day in the course of a conversation on child discipline, “I don't see why it is that my children always act worse when we have guests than at any other time. I'm sure it isn't because they haven't been instructed how to behave.”

Now this mother was perfectly sincere in her remark, yet her own phrasing contains the secret of her distress over her children's behavior. Would a child learn to play the piano by being instructed if he didn't practice playing every day? Yet that mother was expecting just as improbable a performance in behavior. She was stressing the old idea of “company manners,” and expecting the children to put on culture just as they put on clothes for the dinner party. And because they didn't she was deeply grieved and disappointed.

The reason why children of this type act worse when there are guests than they do ordinarily is because of strain and nervous tension. In the mother's anxiety to have affairs move smoothly she has held out threats as to what will happen if all the last minute “Don'ts” aren't observed, and the result has been to create an unnatural condition that is confusing and disastrous to poise and courtesy.

But aside from the mother's embarrassment over slips of etiquette and behavior, this idea of “putting on manners” is very unwise training for children. They gradually learn to act on artificial motives and lose sight of the genuine and vital character traits that are worth while and lasting.

Just the idea of alluding to the various articles of table appointment as “company silver” and “guest linen,” and so on, through all the china and glassware, suggests to the child a feeling of stiffness, and an atmosphere formal and conventional, though he does not analyze it in just those terms.

Why not use the good dishes and linen and silverware occasionally for just the home folks? Then daughter Lois will not cause a panic when there are guests by piping up, “Oh, goody, we have the fruit in the best hand-painted bowl.” If the little ones become accustomed every day to what is good enough for guests, a great deal of strain for both parents and children is bound to be eliminated.

Right in line with this follows the fact that the place to start preparing the child in “company manners” is the first day he sits in his high chair to eat a meal. There is no need for a tot even this age to throw his spoon and cracker on the floor continually, or to upset his broth or porridge. He may as well learn right then not to stand up in his chair, not to put his face down in his plate, and not to scream for what he can’t have. This much at least can then be omitted from the “instructions” when the Browns come over to dine a few years later.

When mother is alone and playing with the babies she can teach them much by pretending visitors. They may come in and call on her and advance and take her hand. It will become natural in a very short time. A mother who includes good manners and polite behavior in the everyday home life will never have reason to force courtesy upon her children.– By Edith Lochridge Reid, 1923

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia