Etiquette of Begging and Responding

Judith Martin is better known by her nom de plume, “Miss Manners.” Martin is a popular news columnist, author of numerous books, and a top etiquette authority.

Dare Miss Manners bring up the topic of etiquette between beggars and those from whom they beg?

The superficially sensitive will recoil from the idea. Isn't it decadent and disgusting even to think of such a frill when hunger and destitution are involved?

And yet their own behavior toward beggars is determined not by a policy of how best to use charity to help compensate for misfortune, but in reaction to etiquette pressure.

To some, it seems rude to turn away any request. To others, the fact of the request itself seems so rude that they feel justified in treating it rudely. And those who occasionally give tend to make their choices in terms of an etiquette assessment of the beggar's behavior toward them— aggressive, humble, defiant or pathetic.

Miss Manners of course denies that etiquette is a frill. Rather, it is the society's voluntary (as opposed to legal) system for maintaining a crucial modicum of civilized behavior among all people. The more desperate, the situation, the greater the need for civilizing forces.

There are civilized and uncivilized ways of soliciting money, whether on one's own behalf or for others; and there are civilized and uncivilized ways of responding, both for those who wish to comply with the request and for those who do not. The encounter is a sufficiently delicate one that it should not be left to chance.

Like Judge Leonard Sand of the Federal District Court in Manhattan, Miss Manners lumps those who seek charity for others with those who ask help for themselves. In ruling against a total ban on panhandling in the New York subways, Judge Sand defined charitable solicitation as including fundraising for major philanthropic organizations, as well as asking for change from passers-by.

As a matter of fact, Miss Manners has seen representatives of chic causes employ techniques more ruthlessly intended to embarrass people into giving money in the hopes that the importuners will think well of them or just plain go away than any that a panhandler would use.

It seems to Miss Manners to be essential for every citizen with enough to live on to have worked out his or her own moral policy on philanthropy. Whether giving to individuals provides immediate relief or encourages destructive vices, which organizations are the most effective or deal with the problems which seem the most crucial or the most solvable, how much one can afford to give - Miss Manners does not presume to answer such difficult questions for anyone but herself.

But once these questions are answered and a policy is determined, etiquette does not require that one be swayed to violate it. Techniques designed to make people feel that it is rude not to give or not to give more are an illegitimate use of etiquette.

(Appealing to charitable impulsiveness is something else. Being able to present a cause so as to make it deeply appealing as an object of philanthropy whether this is done by eloquent volunteers or by beggars is a rewarding talent.)

The polite positive response is to hand over the money pleasantly, not to fling it or accompany it with censuring words. The polite negative response to a plea for money is a simple "No, I'm sorry."

Of course there should be thanks for the former, but the latter should never inspire unpleasantness. It takes a moment to register an unexpected solicitation, and many a person has walked on a few steps, only to think better of it and turn back. — Miss Manners in the Press Democrat, 1990

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