Etiquette and Gracious Socializing

The host and hostess are seated at opposite ends of one another at the table. (The example shows a rectangular table, however, this formula will work at a round table also.) If the Guest of Honor is a woman, she is seated at the host's right and her husband at the hostess' right. The second most important woman is seated across from the Guest of Honor, to the host's left and her spouse on the hostess' left. The remaining male and female guests are seated in between, with the remaining female guest seated at the left of the second most important woman and the remaining male guest seated to the right of the female Guest of Honor. To be fair, the word “important” can be relative to any given situation. If there is no “Guest of Honor” and the formal dinner is simply a get-together of friends, this seating arrangement works with a little creative thinking.

The Art of Socializing Graciously

From the most simple of societies to the most complex, the act of socializing with dining partners is the primary method of getting to know other humans and keeping relationships with them. It is so ingrained in our lives that the origin of the English word “companion” is the old Latin and French words that translated into English mean, “One who eats bread with another.”

We now live in a highly competitive society, and in a country that is increasingly becoming even more of a melting pot of nationalities, ethnicities and cultures than when the United States of America forged its beginnings. Foreign investments are reaching areas of our lifestyles that we had never envisioned they would. In our own country, we are competing with, attempting to do business with, and socializing with, cultures we have had little or no training at all in understanding. 

An awareness of customs and the desire to familiarize oneself with the accepted ways of doing things in other countries and cultures can only enhance one's life personally and professionally. And again, the primary way of accomplishing this task easily is to break bread. In other words, “learn to dine comfortably with others by becoming aware of universally accepted social behavior at the table.”

Without studying or reading about other cultures or ethnic backgrounds of someone you are going to be dining with, one must use common sense to guide him/herself through the awkward first phases of meeting and dining together. When teaching my younger students how to develop good social skills I tell them to “put your best foot forward.” What I am really saying is, “put the other person first.” Making someone feel special is the fastest way to making them feel comfortable with you.

The following are simple guidelines for doing just that when entertaining, hosting, attending a dinner party, a cocktail reception, or any other type of function where one is meeting new people or entertaining a special guest or guests:

Receiving Lines

Not just for wedding receptions, but any time someone of importance is being honored or when hosting a large affair where introductions need to be made or even when having a small affair at which there will be several guests, protocol dictates that a receiving line is in order. The host and/or hostess, as well as the guest/s of honor should be stationed as close to the door as possible so these necessary introductions can be made and put everyone at ease right from the start. 

If the host and hostess are also needed to tend bar or pass hors d'oeuvres, one can remain at the door to greet while the other handles the food and beverages. If there is just one host or hostess for the party, a guest can be asked ahead of time to help out with these duties, to leave the host/hostess free to make introductions and direct the guests as to where to put coats, find beverages, and such.

Formal introductions leave some people stumped in this day and age of equality of the sexes and the tremendous number of women holding impressive titles and ranks in companies that were uncommon occurrences just thirty years ago. Just as holding doors open for women remains the socially proper thing to do, formal introductions put women at the top of the list, right under heads of state and royalty, when it comes to importance. Here are the do’s and don’ts of formal introductions:

When making an introduction, present the woman to the man. The man then rises, if he is not already standing, and slightly lifts, or tips, his hat if he is wearing one. (Note: It is a show of good manners for a man to remove his hat while in a restaurant or in a private home while a woman is free to leave her hat on.) Example: “Bob, I would like you to meet my good friend, Laura.” or “Bob Jones, I would like to introduce Laura Smith to you.”

It is always a gesture of respect to present younger people to those older than them, those with higher rank, those with a level of great importance (the mayor, a senator, the guest of honor, the CEO) or someone of religious importance.

It is not necessary for women to rise when being introduced to another woman unless the other woman fits any of the criteria above or the woman is obviously older. A young girl is charming when she rises as she is introduced to someone's grandmother. A “thirty-something” woman is ill-mannered to rise in faux deference to another woman. obviously also “thirty-something” and who carries no higher title, rank, or level of prestige.

It is more than appropriate to introduce yourself to others at social gatherings if the host and hostess are too busy, however, it is still their responsibility to do so.

If someone offers his/her hand to shake when being introduced, it is proper to accept the handshake. Hugs, as well as kisses, do not have to be accepted. An invasion of someone's body space is a social intrusion that do not need to feel uncomfortable acceptance of. If someone you makes a move to hug you, or kiss you, politely move in another direction or distract the person as best you can.

Seating Arrangements

Seating arrangements are not as complex as people suspect. There is a simple formula for seating groups from as little as six to as large as your table will accommodate. For very large parties, with several tables, the head table is seated with those of the greatest level of importance along with the host and hostess. The remaining tables should be seated in the manner that puts people together with others who they will most likely be compatible with or find the most interesting.

The following is the formula for seating at a formal dinner party of four couples:

The host and hostess are seated at opposite ends of one another at the table. (The example shows a rectangular table, however, this formula will work at a round table also.) If the Guest of Honor is a woman, she is seated at the host's right and her husband at the hostess' right. The second most important woman is seated across from the Guest of Honor, to the host's left and her spouse on the hostess' left. The remaining male and female guests are seated in between, with the remaining female guest seated at the left of the second most important woman and the remaining male guest seated to the right of the female Guest of Honor.

To be fair, the word “important” can be relative to any given situation. If there is no “Guest of Honor” and the formal dinner is simply a get-together of friends, this seating arrangement works with a little creative thinking.

Taking the places of honor to the right of the host/hostess can be the newest members of a group, the eldest in a group or even the friends who have traveled the farthest distance to attend the dinner. If the dinner is a formal family dinner, places of honor would be given to those oldest and then descend by age for the rest of the seating.— From The RSVP Institute of Etiquette’s “Social Graces Handbook,” by Maura J. Graber, 1992

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia