Dark Cold War Etiquette Humor

A. Never use aerosol cans or lighter fluid during a nuclear assault. The intense heat blast that often accompanies an atomic detonation can cause volatile items such as these to burst into flames and pose a threat to personal safety. B. In the mindless mayhem and chaos that follows a nuclear attack, the urge to commandeer expensive sportscars may prove irresistable... but remember, don't drink and drive. — In times of stress and high anxiety, laughter can be the best medicine!

Back in the 1980’s, Post Nuclear Anxiety Could Sometimes  be a Laughing Matter

Nothing spoils a young college student’s career ambitions quite like the asphyxiation and subsequent death that often accompanies nerve gas and other chemical weapons. It is with this in mind that I’ve developed this practical guide to World War III Etiquette.

I. Health and Safety Tips 

A. Never use aerosol cans or lighter fluid during a nuclear assault. The intense heat blast that often accompanies an atomic detonation can cause volatile items such as these to burst into flames and pose a threat to personal safety. 

B. In the mindless mayhem and chaos that follows a nuclear attack, the urge to commandeer expensive sportscars may prove irresistable... but remember, don't drink and drive. 

C. In the post-nuclear era, the upstanding citizen should always remember while digging for roots, scrounging through irradiated garbage piles or begging for sustenance from mutant beastmasters, choose only those items which are low in sodium and high in fiber content. This will lead to a healthier and happier you. 

D. During widespread enemy invasion and occupation, home protection will be essential. Be a responsible parent and make your children aware of the proper behavior around domestic tactical defense weaponry. Imagine the embarrassment of learning all too late that little Susan can't achieve maximum kill potential from her wire-guided TOW anti-tank missile launcher or that Johnny was using anti-armor rounds in his M-16 instead of the hollow-point wadcutters against infantry. Be safety conscious and help your children become familiar with the maintenance, loading and discharging of the household defense armory. 

E. Should you and your loved ones be caught in the untimely and unheroic proximity of a thermonuclear discharge, remember the U.S. Armed Forces' safety tips. 

1. Never look directly at a detonation. 

2. Duck. 

II. Rules and Regulations 

A. During peacetime, pedestrians have right-of-way at crosswalks. But a little-known bylaw explicitly states that Soviet T-62 Battle Tanks have right-of-way over pedestrians (so to speak). Imagine the embarrassment of being mercilessly flattened onto hot asphalt only to discover that you were in the wrong. This is known as a World War III faux pas. 

B. Be a safe and responsible citizen by obeying all driving regulations, even during wartime. 

1. Never park in front of a fire hydrant as it may be needed to hose down unruly protesters. 

C. Should you be captured and interrogated by our enemies keep in mind these simple rules. Your captors will appreciate the effort. 

1. Give your name and Social Security number, but never give up your credit cards. These ruthless commies hold no scruples about making fraudulent purchases. 

III. Social Niceties 

A. As socially responsible citizens it is in accordance with our upbringing to make the invading Communist hordes feel at home. Thus, prior to or coinciding with any counter-tactics remember to get ripped on vodka, strap on a red ice hockey mask and scream “up Siberia” at the top of your lungs. This way, when the carnage and butchery of the battlefield surround you, you can feel proud at having maintained the proper decorum. 

IV. Residential Life 

A. Should you unexpectedly find yourself in the "kill zone" of a nuclear blast while preparing dinner, there is no need to preheat the oven. Simply place the frozen entree in your mouth and wait for the wall of flame to envelop your house. 

B. With the unavoidable food shortage that will ensue after a war, housebroken dogs and cats will become obsolete (not to mention consumable). But fear not, many families across our smoldering nation will find the household cockroach to be the sensible alternative. Let's face it, they're cute and cuddly and so economical. So whether you seek loyal companionship or glowing affection, the cockroach will stand by your side faithfully. 

C. Following the explosion of an ICBM in the atmosphere near your neighborhood many annoying things will happen. Not the least of which is that your car will not start. Don't fret, simply gather one or two of your more seriously irradiated neighbors and jump start the battery. This can be done by connecting the jumper cables to their fillings.— By Rick Grush and Daniel Philpot in the California Aggie, 1987

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia