Awfully Charming Gilded Age Slang

A very “pooty” gown on the cover of the March 1893 Delineator Magazine — “Pretty is no longer pretty, but ‘pooty.’ V., the famous man milliner, has caught the trick from his Duchess customers. You hear him talk glibly of ‘pooty gowns’ and ‘pooty tails.’ ‘Gorgeous’ or ‘deadly’ are the correct adjectives to use when speaking of the weather. Nowadays it is quite customary for educated people to talk of ‘the Dook.’”

How Fashionable People Talk

There are fashions in speech as well as fashions in clothes. Everything in society just now is either “awfully ghastly” or “awfully charming, don’t you know.” If your new bonnet isn't awfully ghastly it must be awfully charming; and if Miss Fourstars’ singing at the local concert the other evening wasn't awfully charming, then it must certainly have been awfully ghastly. Pretty is no longer pretty, but “pooty.” 

V., the famous man milliner, has caught the trick from his Duchess customers. You hear him talk glibly of “pooty” gowns and “pooty” tails. “Gorgeous” or “deadly” are the correct adjectives to use when speaking of the weather. Nowadays it is quite customary for educated people to talk of “the Dook.” In quite aristocratic circles the final “G” is dropped in many words. They talk of killin,’ shootin,’ talkin,’ singing.’ 

I suppose the next thing we shall hear will be that they have ceased to aspirate their “H’s” for the excellent reason that it has become so common for ordinary folks to do so. But, after all, these examples of affectation, ridiculous though they sound, are not quite so bad as the mincing style of affectation fashionable in days gone by. Mincing is now chiefly confined to old maids or young girls under 20. Other folks don't seem to get me for it. In these days of push “side,” teens to go further than mincing manners. — Pall Mall Budget, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Morals, Manners and Kindness

“Civility,” said Lady Montagu, “costs nothing and buys everything.” The cheapest of all things in kindness, its exercise requiring the least possible trouble and self-sacrifice.

Morals and manners, which give color to life, are of much greater importance than laws, which are but their manifestations. The law touches us here and there, but manners are about us everywhere, pervading society like the air we breathe. Good manners, as we call them, are neither more, nor less, than good behavior; consisting of courtesy and kindness, benevolence being the preponderating element in all kinds of mutually beneficial and pleasant intercourse among human beings. 

“Civility,” said Lady Montagu, “costs nothing and buys everything.” The cheapest of all things in kindness, its exercise requiring the least possible trouble and self-sacrifice. “Win hearts,” said Burleigh to Queen Elizabeth, “and you have all men’s hearts and purses.” If we would only let nature act kindly, free from affectation and artifice, the results on social good humor and happiness would be incalculable.— Colusa Daily Sun, 1920

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More on Manners vs Manner

Manners are acquired by association, by contact, by slow degrees, through several generations, and by laborious effort, line upon line, precept upon precept, in each generation. We observe a similarity in the manner and in the manners of certain families. Sometimes servants take on a likeness of manner to those with whom they live, as children do, personality being always a force and carrying with it impressiveness of some sort. Both children and servants need molding, training in manners, while manner comes to them, as it were, without their knowledge. 

Be Natural — Due Regard for the Rights of Others, Harks True Politeness

Manner and manners are not precisely synonymous. One may possess ceremonious manners and in conjunction with these have a manner which antagonizes the very people whom the elaborate manners are intended to please. A boorish person may, by dint of careful imitation, acquire a veneer of courtesy, good so far as it goes, but when all is said only veneer, not the solid, polish-bearing wood. A person ignorant of social usages and unskilled in the conventionalities of the period maybe distinguished by a manner essentially charming. Manner is what we are, so to speak, in the grain. It is individuality. It is the outshining of the soul.

Manners are acquired by association, by contact, by slow degrees, through several generations, and by laborious effort, line upon line, precept upon precept, in each generation. We observe a similarity in the manner and in the manners of certain families. Sometimes servants take on a likeness of manner to those with whom they live, as children do, personality being always a force and carrying with it impressiveness of some sort. Both children and servants need molding, training in manners, while manner comes to them, as it were, without their knowledge. 

Occasionally one meets a gently bred elderly person who has not adopted certain forms and modes which are at present in vogue, and who innocently fails to meet the requirements of good form— a thing to be regretted, because the greater should everywhere include the less, and a well-bred manner, should presuppose perfect manners. At all times the requirements of politeness are founded upon good sense, upon kindness of heart, upon due regard for the rights of others. The rude, the brusque, the abrupt, trample on the sensibilities of their friends, as well as invade propriety, sometimes defending themselves as natural, and declaring that they abhor affectation and adore sincerity. They appear not to recognize the fallacy in this. 

A natural manner should, of all manners in the world, be sincere. Sincerity does not imply brutality. Affectation is less heinous and offensive than cruelty, and cruelty exists wherever one person needlessly wounds another. Gentle manners do much to oil the machinery of life at home and in the community. It costs little effort to say, “I thank you” and “If you please,” to acknowledge every kindness as a favor worth appreciation ; but, were it otherwise, effort in this direction would be well repaid. Especially in our intercourse with children or with the aged, with those who are in any way at a disadvantage as compared with ourselves, should we be careful to exercise a cordial politeness. If this be the manner of our outlook in the world, it will influence our manners to all whom we meet. — Harper's Bazar, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Dining History and Knife Etiquette

A silver and steel “bird” knife, which was a forerunner of the serrated-edged, steak knife
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According to Tallement Des Réaux, Richelieu was responsible for the rounding off the points on table knife blades in France in 1669, apparently to prevent their use as toothpicks, but probably also to discourage assassinations at meals. It became illegal for cutlers to make pointed dinner knives or for innkeepers to lay them on their tables. Other countries soon followed suit. Pointed knives for all diners were later to return to the dining room table, but as steak-knives, which have a special image...” 
– Margaret Visser

Ever since the 16th century there has been a taboo against pointing a knife at our faces. It is rude, of course, to point at anybody with a knife or a fork, or even a spoon; it is also very bad form to hold a knife and fork in the fists so that they stand upright. But pointing a knife at ourselves is viewed with special horror, as Norbert Elias has observed. I think that one reason for this is that we have learned only very recently not to use our knives for placing food in our mouths: we are still learning, and we therefore reinforce our decision by means of a taboo. We think we hate seeing people placing themselves even in the slightest jeopardy, but actually we fervently hope they will not spoil the new rule and let us all down by taking to eating with their knives again.

For the fact is, that people have commonly eaten food impaled on the points of their knives, or carried it to their mouth as balanced on blades; the fork is in this respect merely a variant of the knife. With the coming of forks, knife points became far less useful than they had been; their potential danger soon began in consequence to seem positively barbaric. The first steps in the subduing of the dinner knife were taken in the 17th century, when the two cutting edges of the dagger-like knife were occasionally reduced to one. The blunt side became an upper edge, which is not threatening to the fingers when they are holding knives in the polite manner.

According to Tallement Des Réaux, Richelieu was responsible for the rounding off the points on table knife blades in France in 1669, apparently to prevent their use as toothpicks, but probably also to discourage assassinations at meals. It became illegal for cutlers to make pointed dinner knives or for innkeepers to lay them on their tables. Other countries soon followed suit. Pointed knives for all diners were later to return to the dining room table, but as steak-knives, which have a special image, linked deliberately with red meat and “getting down to business” when hungry. They are still quite rustic in connotation. — Margaret Visser, The Rituals of Dinner

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

What is Covid-Etiquette?

Recently I surveyed a number of people to ascertain their views on Covid-19. Some weren't so concerned, feeling that it is just one virus amongst many that will eventually go away. Others are, understandably, on high alert, concerned and taking all necessary precautions. However, everyone understood the need for respiratory etiquette and social distancing at this time.  Many are wearing gloves to add an extra layer of protection, as well as a reminder not to touch their faces. 

What is Covid-Etiquette?

Covid-19 is a coronavirus that can cause significant respiratory illness especially in the aged and those with chronic disease. As a pandemic, its effects have touched every corner of the globe, and our lives have been changed. We can't work, go to school, play and interact in the same ways as before - we must distance ourselves socially in order to protect ourselves and others. Thus, we've needed to adapt to a new set of social etiquette rules:

The Delayed Greeting:

Recently I surveyed a number of people to ascertain their views on Covid-19. Some weren't so concerned, feeling that it is just one virus amongst many that will eventually go away. Others are, understandably, on high alert, concerned and taking all necessary precautions. However, everyone understood the need for respiratory etiquette and social distancing at this time.  Many are wearing gloves to add an extra layer of protection, as well as a reminder not to touch their faces. 

With this in mind, handshakes are on pause everywhere. When making an introduction, wait for a few seconds and observe the person you are greeting and allow how they want to greet you. You may be the person who will initiate the introduction. If so, use open body language, smile your acknowledgement, wave and promptly make an introduction, perhaps a small nod. The other person may want to just say a verbal greeting or an elbow bump or foot tap. (Tip or side of each elbow/tapping on someone shoe side on).

‘The Elbow Bump or Foot Tap’:

For those who do not mind very minimal contact, then the elbow bump may be in order. When doing so, you can have your face positioned to the side to minimise being in their personal space.

Personal Space:

Most cultures have ideals about personal space. In many western cultures personal space is estimated to be the space approximately 70cm around a person. Governmental authorities are advising today to keep at least 1.5m away. So when a person is talking to you, or positioned close to you, take note and move yourself to ensure a greater personal space.

You may be the one enclosed by a few people and feel uncomfortable. If you do, don't hesitate to politely speak up and remind others gently about the need to be distanced from each other. You may choose to quietly remove yourself from the situation.

Use Good Hygiene:

This will help prevent spread of the virus and other microbes.  Use soap and alcohol gel extensively. If you feel you are about to sneeze and there are no tissues available in that moment, use the inner side of your elbow to “catch” the sneeze. Then go to wash your hands and wipe your face. Most local governments have websites with helpful health procedures that one can follow as directed.

Wearing a Face Mask:

Given that Covid-19 is passed primarily through droplets (when breathing, talking, coughing, sneezing), wearing a face mask has become de rigueur worldwide. It has been enforced by regulations in many enclosed and non-enclosed public spaces, depending on what country or city you are in. Therefore, protect your community and yourself by keeping a few face masks handy at home, in the car, your bag or back pocket. For example, in his latest media release, Daniel Andrews, State Premier for Victoria, Australia, stated that from 22nd July 2020, face masks are mandatory and anyone caught not wearing a face covering will be fined $200.

Simply put, etiquette demonstrates care, concern and kindness for yourself and others. It has never been more important on a personal, and global scale. By using the gestures listed here, you can help stop the spread of Covid-19.

Personal Information:

Revealing whether or not you have tested positive for Covid-19 is a personal choice, but only to a certain extent. If you have been advised by your physician to tell those you have been in contact with, of your positive test result, you have an obligation to do so in order for them to seek out medical assistance. But what if it is a friend or family member who has tested positive? Do you have the right or the obligation to tell others who may come into contact with them? 

There is a very fine line between personal privacy and public safety. If someone is sick and knowingly goes out in public, exposing everyone to something like Covid-19, which is so highly contagious, they need to extend the courtesy to others of letting them know. If they do not extend this simple courtesy, and you know the person who is contagious actually has tested positive for Covid-19, others may be furious with you for not letting them know. In this case, the law may require you to disclose this information. 

If it is not a legal requirement to say that you, or someone you know, has or has not tested positive for Covid-19, use your common sense and discretionary powers to decide how much information you wish to give. Keep in mind, however, your obligations in the workplace versus those in your family or social circles, are considerably different. 

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for a “Mrs. Malaprop”

“Mrs. Malaprop has climbed up on her husband’s bank account through the usual ways into ‘society,’ and while she gets along very well occasionally lapses a little in conversation, the lapses are being carefully recorded by her dear new friends.” —  Having a lot of money did not automatically or necessarily mean one was automatically accepted into Gilded Age society... The terms “parvenus,” “nouveau riche,” and “new money,” became slurs against someone desperate to be accepted by society —  especially in Washington D.C. and New York society. Without the right education and the right connections, though, much money was spent to attempt to impress others. 

Mrs. Malaprop 

Society Woman at the Capital Who is Credited with Some Unique Sayings

Washington society, like every other society, has its Mrs. Malaprop, a good lady who has said several good things of an inappropriate kind and gets the credit at the clubs and dinner parties of having said ten times as many, says the Boston Herald. The Mrs. Malaprop of Washington, is one of the new-rich who have revolutionized the architecture and the society of Washington. The “smart” society people go to their beautiful house, eat their delicious terrapin, drink their perfect champagne and get off witty remarks about them — if possible quoting them or pretending to, so as to make them ridiculous—all of which, I need not say, is considered quite good etiquette, even if it is not good manners. Well, Mrs. Malaprop has climbed up on her husband’s bank account through the usual ways into “society,” and while she gets along very well occasionally lapses a little in conversation, the lapses are being carefully recorded by her dear new friends. 

To the daughters of one of the most distinguished diplomats she is reported to have said: “I am so glad to meet you. I have been hearing you spoken of so much as the pretty Miss Legation, the clever Miss Legation. Do tell me which of you is the pretty one and which is the clever one.” Again to a famous army officer and his wife, who were telling how much they had enjoyed her dinner party, she cheerily said; “I thought you would like to meet some nice people.” Being presented to a plainly dressed woman whose name she did not catch, she said in the course of conversation, that Washington was a delightful city for people in moderate circumstances. “There are so many pretty little houses such as you, madam, might find suitable,” she said, addressing, unwittingly, one of the richest of the old residents, whose fine house on Lafayette Square is almost historical, and who had the tact and kindness not to set her right. Perhaps Mrs, Malaprop’s most famous speech is of as late date as last spring, just before she went abroad. Coming down to meet a morning caller in her wrapper, Mrs. Malaprop said, sweetly, “You really must excuse me for coming down in my non de plume, but I have been busy packing all the morning.” — The Morning Press, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

College Classroom Etiquette

“College classes build off of each other, each assuming a base set of knowledge has been acquired before it is taken. Handing out a passing grade to a student who has not learned anything from the class sets them up for an even greater failure in their next one. The only people responsible for our successes or failures is ourselves.” 

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College classroom behavior has changed tremendously over the past 65 - 75 years. Not only have all of the technological advances achieved created a different learning atmosphere, societal changes have created waves of change on their own. Still, the need for classroom etiquette, respect for teachers, and respect for other students has always been, and remains now, extremely important.

Classes need more etiquette To my right, two people are talking excitedly about their weekend. To my left, someone absent-mindedly flips through their Facebook comments on their iPhone. Just in front of me, another person is listening to music with one ear bud in, all but hidden from view in her hair. A cell phone goes off, with a top-40 song clamoring out not too long before being silenced by its owner. Can you guess what’s wrong with this picture? 

We aren’t in a cafe, or sitting on a bus, we are sitting in the middle of a college class. Somewhere at the front, the teacher talks about the subject at hand, though I couldn’t tell you what it is. Sifting through all the other noise its difficult, and I can only catch so much with the murmuring all around. The instructor pauses from time to time, leveling dagger eyes in the direction of the loudest offender; waiting for the noise to subside before continuing. But this affords only a brief respite before the conversation creeps back in from the corners of the classroom, and the lesson is lost in the clamor once more. 

One would hope this kind of behavior would die out after graduating high school. College isn’t mandatory. Remember, we sign up for these classes, hand selected to fill our learning objectives and set us on the path toward a lucrative future. And students have to pay far too much in the eyes of many to attend. One would imagine the hefty price tag might lend a certain gravity and prompt students to take their classes seriously, as failing a class represents a monumental waste of money and time.

So why do so many students roll into class in the last fifteen minutes, or show up to pay absolutely no attention to the teacher? This is no time to be trying to be cool. Few employers will care about how popular you are perceived to be. Few employers will look beyond whether you have the qualifications they are seeking, and those who don’t give their classes the attention they deserve put getting those at risk. And yet, classrooms are plagued by disrespectful students who insist on disrupting the class, robbing not only themselves of quality education, but stealing it from others who show up with a serious desire to learn. At least, some realize the the jig is up, but there’s another group who think that although they have attended only a fraction of the classes, they will get a good grade.

They pile around the instructor after class, armed to the teeth with excuses and plea bargains that they will get a good grade, asking for extra credit, extra time, for a grade they don’t deserve, because they “really need an A in this class!” Often it is too late, and they loudly decree how the teacher doesn’t like them, it’s personal, it’s racist, it’s because they’re just mean or don’t care. Teachers do care. They care enough to work in a thankless job where disinterested students pay them little to no heed. And they care enough to fail those students, making sure they only move forward when they are finally armed with the knowledge they need to succeed. 

Teachers want to help others reach their goals, but those goals must be earned. Giving out grades to students who don’t deserve them is not only unfair to the ones who give their all in the classroom, it hurts the ones pleading for them too. College classes build off of each other, each assuming a base set of knowledge has been acquired before it is taken. Handing out a passing grade to a student who has not learned anything from the class sets them up for an even greater failure in their next one. The only people responsible for our successes or failures is ourselves. Give each class your all, and you may be surprised how much it gives back to you. — Phillip Khun, Experience Perspectives, 2013

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Discretion and Preservation

“That to eat with a knife is considered a crime against society, though no discoverable reason exists for the opinion. Ethically, a knife is as good as a fork. Essentially, no less polite. Possibly not. But less safe...The danger of cutting the mouth with a knife is reason enough for its general disfavor. A mere ancestral discretion and self-preservation may be at the root of all manners.” — A rare, hand-crafted, early to mid-19th century, “pea knife.” This blunt and rounded-blade knife, has a steel “bar” attached, so that peas and other foods would not fall off of the other side of the blade, when lifting one’s foods from the plate to the mouth.

In San Francisco, one still feels rather foolish when the Floods’ butler announces Mrs. Buchanan Broadway, just as they do on the stage. One remembers fearful attempts at easy grace of stage guests announced. It is necessary to avoid their elaborations. To remain natural and unaffected. One must seem to have been announced before. If one knows an academic interest in manners, the ceremony is interesting. To become absurd at informal affairs, where, for no other reason in the world than to amuse the footman, one is announced for an intimate call. It’s a question of discrimination. When to and when not to announce.

There was the case of Mrs. Blank, who didn’t know whether one of the guests at her bridge tea last week was really a guest, or a thief in disguise. She was perfectly strange. Entered alone and greeted the hostess, to give no hint of her identity. Mrs. Blank was dismayed. Until it was found she was just “Mrs. D.,” known only, it happened, through cards “left.” A circumstance retold to prove a point. The reason and right of announcing guests on occasions. A footman to properly repeat, “Mrs. D,” would have placed her at once for Mrs. Blank. It was some situation of the sort, no doubt, that first suggested the custom. Manners are sometimes less mad than they seem. Even the custom of shaking hands high under the chin was traced to a royal rheumatism or some aristocratic affection in England.

All of which is provoked by a recent arraignment of manners. In an essay of ridicule, Mr. Francis Rolt-Wheeler, Ph.D., has written of their insignificance and general senselessness at length. He declares there is nothing morally binding in etiquette. That to eat with a knife is considered a crime against society, though no discoverable reason exists for the opinion. Ethically, a knife is as good as a fork. Essentially, no less polite. Possibly not. But less safe. Mr. Francis Rolt-Wheeler, Ph.D., must admit it is that. The danger of cutting the mouth with a knife is reason enough for its general disfavor. A mere ancestral discretion and self-preservation may be at the root of all manners. — The Smart Set, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Marie Antoinette’s Last Etiquette Lesson

The Comtesse de Noailles, nicknamed “Madame Etiquette,” bored Marie Antoinette very much by her particularity on minor points of conduct. One day, Marie Antoinette’s mocking spirit had its chance. She fell from her donkey and lay on the grass for a while, laughing. “Run as fast as you can,” she said to the nearest attendant as soon as she could speak, “and ask Madame Etiquette how the Queen of France ought to behave when she tumbles off her donkey.” – Santa Cruz Sentinel, 1910
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The last etiquette Marie Antoinette had to learn in France, was that which the courtly gentlemen, nobles of the old regime, rehearsed with her and the others sentenced to death —  the etiquette suitable for those condemned, in order that no one might by confused or awkward when the time came for their fates to be realized.

“At 15, Marie Antoinette was married. At 19 she was a Queen, a creature lovely to look upon. At 37 she died on the guillotine, one of the most pitiable as she was the most conspicuous among all the thousands upon thousands who lost their heads in the French Revolution. Born the daughter of Emperor Francis Ist of Austria and his ambitious and gifted consort, Marie Therese, she was reared, for a Princess of the blood, among exceedingly simple surroundings. Small wonder that the transition from what almost had been a cloistered life to the most brilliant, the most dissolute, the most extravagant court in Christendom should have proven disastrous for her. From the hour when she became the wife of the heir apparent to the French throne, the pathway of the girl-bride was beset with difficulties and pitfalls.

“She was under the exacting dominion of her imperious father-in-law, Louis XV; she was under the hostile eye of Louis’s shrewd and unscrupulous mistress, Madame du Barry. She was enmeshed in intrigues, envies, jealousies, feuds and plots. That she was frivolous and headstrong and wasteful; that she made enemies by her interference in public affairs; that she estranged those who should have been her friends and her devoted allies, these charges, not even her most sympathetic partisan among the chroniclers could deny. But when the Monarchy fell in bloodied ruins; when the ‘Time of the Terror’ came to Paris; when she was insulted, imprisoned, widowed by violence; when she barbarously was torn from her children, including that hapless boy who went down in history as the Lost Dauphin; when at her trial she so gallantly faced atrocious accusations affecting her moral character; when finally she was led forth bound like a dangerous malefactor to be done to death before a shrieking, exultant mob, then her courage, her faith and her noble bearing redeemed Marie Antoinette for all the grievous shortcomings of her youth.

“As a ruler she fell short, as a wife she had her faults, as a royal politician she was an abject failure. But as a mother, as a woman rising to sublime heights of fortitude in the face of a hideous doom, she stands forth for posterity, an heroic and noble figure. Her old secret foe, Madame du Barry, was born like a commoner and died like a craven of commoners. Being condemned to the knife, she went screaming and struggling to her fate— writhing in her bonds, begging for mercy with her last breath, practically crazed with fright. But in her death, at least, Marie Antoinette was regal and splendid.” — By Irvin S. Cobb, 1925

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Indigenous Australians

People may associate some terminology to periods of colonisation and assimilation, so do not use the words Aboriginals, Aborigine or Aborigines... “Some non-verbal communication cues (hand gestures, facial expressions etc.) used by Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people have different meanings in the Western context. Be mindful that your own non-verbal communication will be observed and interpreted. For example, feelings of annoyance may be reflected by your body language and are likely to be noticed.” according to Queensland Health. Two distinct groups of Indigenous people live in Australia. One group is the Torres Strait Islanders, who come from the Torres Strait Islands north of Cape York in Queensland. The second group is the Aboriginal people, who come from all other parts of Australia.

Having been born and lived in Australia most of my life, we were taught that the Australian Aboriginals were the first to occupy and that was it.  Unfortunately, 35 years ago, we were not taught how to interact, understand their language or culture.  Today, going into classrooms now, we are better equipped and regularly have interactions with elders and now have cultural centres where we can better understand their connections to land and people.

What is Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander etiquette?  I recently asked a Yorta Yorta brother and a Pitjantjatjara sister both living in Alice Springs, their advice:

These traditional cultures place importance with building and maintaining rapport and trust. When introducing yourself, do it with warmth and sincerity.  Talk about yourself first. Be slow, simple and methodical, as English may not be their first language.  Dialects such as Kriol, Aboriginal English or Torres Strait Creole may be spoken.  There are over 300 Aboriginal languages spoken throughout Australia and Torres Strait Islands.

It's best to avoid eye contact at first and look away while you are talking.  It is a gesture of respect.  Direct eye contact may be viewed as aggression, rudeness and disrespectful.  Always observe the other person's body language, then use it to guide your own facial expressions and body language.  Be mindful of cross-gender eye contact, only do so when there is conversation initiated.

Avoid asking too many questions, if you are not familiar with them, explain why you need to ask questions.  The best way is to speak about who you are, where you are from, where your family is from and where you’re going.  Perhaps, use a story to get the answer to your question.  They will tend to open-up.

A form of direct respect is using the titles of ‘Aunty’ or ‘Uncle’, they may not be your actual family or even older than you.  If you have been living in an area a long time and are familiar with its people, you may be honoured and asked to call someone their ‘sister’ or ‘brother’.

Listening is imperative.  Due to spoken and body language differences, the person may make an explanation of something in a way that you are not used too.  Take time out to actively listen, do not interrupt or talk-over, show kindness.  You may want to paraphrase and repeat back what they said to show you are listening and wanting to understand.

Be aware that due to language differences or due to shyness, that an Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander may say ‘yes’ to your questions, even if they are not in agreement with you. They may simply wish to end the conversation and by saying ‘yes,’ they feel like they can conclude the exchange, especially if they do not understand what you are saying. It is wise to take time to explain in a parable or story, what you need or require.  You may need to find an interpreter.

Be mindful of personal space.  Standing too close, especially with the opposite gender, could be sending signals that could be interpreted wrongly.  Best to keep the usual amount of distance away.  Always ask permission to touch another person.

Time is counted differently.  Community values and family responsibilities will be prioritized over time.  When making an appointment, be flexible.

Breaches of confidentiality can lead to shame (shame is the feeling of humiliation or distress) based on over-sharing personal and private information with others.  It is advised to have serious discussions, holding it in a place the person is most comfortable, private and away from public spaces.  Talking about ‘men’s’ and ‘women’s’ business needs to be kept private and confidential, you want to engender trust and rapport.  Once that is broken, all association with that person could end permanently.

If you are travelling around Australia and Torres Strait Islands and want to walk on their land, you must ask for the owner or elder permission to approach them, then you are able to ask if you're able to walk on their land.  You must be able to make an acknowledgment of country.  It is a way that we can show respect for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander heritage and have an ongoing and open relationship with the traditional owner of the land.

Please be aware, different states, different areas, tribes or associations of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islanders, culture and language will differ.

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Courtly Guillotine Etiquette in France

Courtly gentlemen, nobles of the old regime, rehearsed them in the etiquette suitable for those condemned, in order that no one might by confused or awkward when the summons came. — The depictions of Marie Antoinette and another condemned prisoner, in 1920’s attire relieves some of the tragedy of the story overall.

How Marie Antoinette Stood Before Accusers Unflinching and Doomed Aristocrats Developed Etiquette for the Occasion 

Thanks to the books of hundreds of chroniclers, and at least one historic painting, every well-informed school child knows something of the last anguished hours of Marie Antoinette. How before being led forth for death, she protested against the shame of having her hands lashed behind her, as were a common criminal, and pointed out her husband had been left unpinioned in his ride to the place of execution. How her enemies disregarded her plea and tightly corded her wrists, so that the kindly priest who accompanied her in the dreadful journey, repeatedly pressed against the knotted rope in an effort to ease the pain in her bruised flesh. How in a crude cart she jolted over the cobbled streets of Paris, her head held erect and face bared to the taunts and jeers of the populace. 

How when passing the palace where she had spent her happiest hours, the widowed Queen fell into a faint. How reviving both her will and her spirit, she did not wince at sight of the guillotine but with dignity climbed its wooden steps and even begged the pardon of one of the executioners upon whose toe she accidentally trod in mounting the platform. How she suffered herself to be strapped to the board and how quietly she lay there while they were adjusting the mechanism of the great blade which a moment later sheared through her slender neck. In years, she was still young —only thirty seven —but eye-witnesses recorded that she looked that morning like an old woman, worn and haggard. Her hair in less than three months had turned almost white. 

Thanks also to many veracious accounts, we know of the proud courage of so many of Marie Antoinette’s fellow-prisoners, doomed as she was, to be sacrificed to the fury of the populace, acting through the caprices of a tribunal which gave to each of them the mockery of a trial, and the certainty in most cases, of conviction. Aristocratic ladies locked in foul prisons almost gaily cropped their heads in anticipation of the fall of the knife. Courtly gentlemen, nobles of the old regime, rehearsed them in the etiquette suitable for those condemned, in order that no one might by confused or awkward when the summons came. They practiced binding each other. The women discussed the question of appropriate dressings of the neck. A whole code of manners was evolved by these gallant souls that awaited a legalized slaughter. — By Irvin S. Cobb, 1925

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Retro Tipping Etiquette from 1963

I don’t think that good or bad service can he measured in percentage points. The actual word ‘tip’ (which is not found in the dictionary, per se) means ‘to insure promptness.’ If this is the case then it should actually he given prior to ordering. 

To Insure Promptness...

“It has been asked of me on several occasions, ‘What about tipping? How much? To whom? etc...’ This is one area in which I do not allow myself to be influenced by any rule book on etiquette. I think a tip is a very personal thing, and should be entirely up to the individual. I don’t think that good or bad service can be measured in percentage points. The actual word ‘tip’ (which is not found in the dictionary, per se) means ‘to insure promptness.’ If this is the case, then it should actually be given prior to ordering. 

It always gives me a great deal of satisfaction to leave a good tip, but I leave one based entirely upon service rendered. What ever your conviction is on this matter, I think that it depends completely upon your own feelings. But one thing I would like to point out, if the service is good, and you are pleased with your dining experience, then the tip should be a good one. Remember, a waiter depends on this income as part of his wages, and for the most part, they are a great bunch of fellows.” —By Al Morgan, “Morgan on the Move,” 1963

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Question of Fork Etiquette

“Excuse me, waiter, but why do well bred Americans permit themselves and their children to use the fork in the right hand? And, if no bread and butter plates are used, where should bread be laid during the meal?”

Watching the Forks

One of the questions that foreigners, especially English-bred people, most frequently ask regarding American manners is this: “Why do well bred Americans permit themselves and their children to use the fork in the right hand?” The fact is that in England, good table etiquette demands that the fork should be kept in the left hand. The knife is used, of course, in the right hand and it is regarded as bad form to shift the fork over to the right hand when the knife is not needed. 

Even in eating desserts the fork is kept in the left hand, frequently being used with a dessert spoon, which is held in the right hand. And children here, unless they are children of Europeans or of parents who affect English manners, are not warned against shifting the fork to the right hand for convenience. However, it is bad form from our point of view, as well as the English, to use the fork shovelwise, scooping up large mouthfuls of vegetables or meat upon it.

Well-bred persons take care how they hold the fork until it becomes second nature to hold it well. Even if the fork is small and your hand is large, avoid placing the handle in the palm of your hand as you would handle a small screw driver, as if your object were to get the best possible grip upon it. Do not hold on too far down the handle, but on the other hand, do not affect the over-dainty manner of holding it uncertainly very far up. 

When you have finished eating leave the fork on the side of the plate, sometimes downward.

When passing a plate for a second helping, place your knife and fork on the side of the plate, blade in or tines downward.

What Readers Ask...

“If no bread and butter plates are used, where should bread be laid during the meal?”

Usually on the plate, but if there is hardly room there is no harm in allowing a roll or fairly dry bread to rest on the table cloth beside the butter-pat.— The Sun, 1921

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Understanding Real Etiquette

Remember... Real etiquette is in acting with polite consideration for others, not acting like trained monkey.

More from the 1920’s Etiquette Book Craze

Being polite becomes more difficult. Social blunders lurk on every side. One of the many books on etiquette, which are raining heavily on the public, says it is a serious “boner” for a man, dining in a restaurant, to pick a fallen fork from the floor, that function “properly” belonging to the waiter. It is also set forth, that dipping both hands in a finger bowl simultaneously, instead of one at a time, is blunder in the first degree. Real etiquette is in acting with polite consideration for others, not like trained monkey. — Livermore Journal, 1925

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A “What’s Wrong” School of Etiquette

In the decade from 1920 to 1930, about a dozen books of etiquette were published and promoted, including those by Lillian Eichler, Emily Holt and Emily Post. One columnist thought etiquette’s popularity had waned by 1925, however, the 1920’s - 1930’s “Etiquette Era” was just taking a brief break, and would continue for over 10 more years. —Thousands and hundreds of thousands of assorted Americans are worrying over what is wrong with “this picture” and perspiring freely over the choice of forks at a banquet, or words at an introduction.

Frenzied Etiquette 

The latest great non-essential industry to occupy the attention of the American people appears to be a nation-wide concern for the manufacture, sale and use of a more strict etiquette. Led sheep-wise, by a publicity campaign comparable only to the merchandising effort that put Harold Bell Wright on the literary map of the universe, thousands and hundreds of thousands of assorted Americans are worrying over what is wrong with “this picture,” and perspiring freely over the choice of forks at a banquet, or words at an introduction. Like marathon dancing, this activity affords a somewhat painful picture to the observer, but brings with it the comforting thought that so much fruitless enthusiasm will soon burn itself out and be over with. 

The most painful aspect of the craze is the general tone of snobbishness and the laudation of ridicule and embarrassment as a means of teaching “good manners.” Knowledge of etiquette is, of course, nothing to become snobbish about, and the most casual thought will reveal the inadequacy of embarrassment as a preceptor. What the campaign would amount to if it amounted to anything, would be to make the American people a nation of self-conscious dummies, painfully eager to do the “right thing,” horribly fearful of doing the opposite, continually uncomfortable, gauche and ridiculous. There are as many don’ts in the average encyclopedia of cheap etiquette as there are symptoms in a patent medicine almanac. As the symptoms aim to catalogue every possible reaction of the reader’s sensory apparatus, so the admonitions of the etiquette books aim to interpose in every possible situation of daily conduct. 

The aim of the medicine man’s almanac was to make the reader acutely uncomfortable till he “falls for” the medicine man’s product and the aim of the etiquette books is the same. There’s no cause for alarm, of course, in the sudden rise of the “What’s Wrong” school of literature, because the craze for it is happily only a craze, and therefore impermanent. Its effects probably won’t endure long enough to stamp our national subconscious —we’re talking nonsense now —with an inferiority complex. We’ll get over it all right, but like the baby-talk stage of the flapper’s progress, it’s uncomfortable while it lasts. — San Diego Union, 1923

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Etiquette of Changing Fashions

The new freedoms of women after World War I brought the “flappers” and their shorter hemlines, bare legs, and bare-backed dresses. These styles brought new problems in etiquette... “Several nights ago a dozen barelegged and bare-backed women surprised an exclusive west-end restaurant by appearing on the dance floor. Customers who remembered the Victorian days gasped and several of them hurriedly left ... Complaints were dispatched!”

Half Dressed Women Annoy London Police 

(By United Press) LONDON, July, 27 — The Lord Chamberlain's office was given a new problem in etiquette today, involving the appearance of women dancers without stockings. Several nights ago a dozen barelegged and bare-backed women surprised an exclusive west-end restaurant by appearing on the dance floor. Customers who remembered the Victorian days gasped and several of them hurriedly left the place. Complaints were dispatched to the Lord Chamberlain's office in an effort to force a decision on whether bare-legged women could dance in cabarets. The bare-leg fad has gained popularity among office women, tennis players and suburban shop girls. — 1931

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Australian Etiquette's Evolution

In 1985, Ita Buttrose published “A Guide to Australian Etiquette“ detailing what she perceived to be correct comportment for modern Australia. Ms. Buttrose discusses diverse subjects such as de-escalating ‘trolley-rage’ at a store, or what to expect and experience in a mosque. In a nod to our outdoor lifestyle, she showed great concern about bare feet and having armpits on display.

When teaching etiquette to students, I always endeavour to introduce the old idea that etiquette is a kindness and respect that is valuable. It  also shows that respect knows no bounds. I like to give students a background of the European origins of etiquette. However, I do get asked about Australian Etiquette. Is there such a thing? Yes, there is!

Etiquette has changed in Australia over the years. It was introduced when English gentry settled here in the country’s colonial infancy. Essentially, etiquette, like new laws, relationships, and services that underwrote the changes to its environment, economy and society, was re-written from the birth of Australia.

After teaching a student etiquette in the Melbourne CBD, I decided to take a walk to the State Library of Victoria, where I found an interesting read, A Guide to Australian Etiquette by Lillian M. Pyke (Lillian Maxwell), published in Melbourne at the turn of the century, and then re-published through to the war years. Her use of archaic English wording was replaced with modern English for the newer generations. Her book entailed subjects as how to perform introductions and topics of conversation to how to dress and manage matters of hygiene.

Polite society valued etiquette’s worth and adjusted its mindset toward that. Emphasis was put on social graces and dining behaviour. Being well-dressed was a must. The 1920’s based period drama series Miss Fisher Murder Mysteries and the 1950’s based Doctor Blake Mysteries, use forms of British etiquette in speech and comportment, which were still in use in Australia to a great extent.

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Gestures

Rules of basic etiquette are strongly adhered to in Australia. Winking at women is considered inappropriate. When yawning, one should cover the mouth and then excuse oneself. Most hand gestures are the same as in North America, but a few typical North American gestures may be considered offensive. For example, forming a V with the index and middle fingers, Palm facing in, is vulgar. North Americans often use the gesture to express the number two. Sniffing several times when one has a cold is impolite. A person should blow his or her nose in private.

General Attitudes

Australia is a clean country and visitors are expected to maintain its standards. In fact, there is a stiff fine for littering. Australians are amiable and easygoing about most things in life; clubs and social groups are popular. Many people frequent local pubs after work and on weekends. Being prompt is important. When conversing, Australians often gesture with their hands to emphasize and clarify. Australians are outgoing and relax in public; they are quite comfortable with expressing their feelings openly.

—From CultureGrams the Nations Around Us: Volume II, Africa, Asia, and Oceania, 1993

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In 1985, Ita Buttrose published “A Guide to Australian Etiquette“ detailing what she perceived to be correct comportment for modern Australia. Ms. Buttrose discusses diverse subjects such as de-escalating ‘trolley-rage’ at a store, or what to expect and experience in a mosque. In a nod to our outdoor lifestyle, she showed great concern about bare feet and having armpits on display.

During an ABC radio interview with Richard Aedy, Ms. Buttrose, herself described Australian society as having changed over time to become “an informal society,” However, the “fundamentals of how we treat each other, really, have never changed over the years.” Ms. Buttrose went onto say that manners “are a sign of a civilised society” that “make the world a much nicer place to be.” I agree with Ms. Buttrose wholeheartedly.

Etiquette almost became a lost art form after the 1960s. In the last few years, it has been making a comeback. New schools throughout Australia are being established to teach the finer subjects of etiquette, such as dining, afternoon tea and social etiquette in the form of workshops and courses. Parents are enrolling their children during school holidays in group classes to learn how to introduce themselves, use the correct cutlery, and how to navigate social media.

According to Seniors.com.au, “Manners and social practices help to shape a respectable society and are instilled in us from a very early age. Lack of standardised societal rules could mean a very different Australia... In today’s endlessly changing society the goal posts of ‘expected social behaviour’ also continue to change.” 

Etiquette is a life-changing skill; a precious possession that lasts a life-time. Understanding and learning the complete skill set of manners needed for seamlessly blending into modern Australian life, can only help one succeed and flourish in this multi-cultural and multi-dimensional land.

Other Books on Australian Etiquette:Etiquette for Australians by Noreen Routledge 1969The Penguin Book of Etiquette – The complete Australian Guide to Modern Manners 2007Australian Etiquette of the Rules and Usages of the Best Society in the Australasian Colonies together with their Sports, Pastimes, Games and Amusements 1885

                                                           

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia