WWII Kiwi vs American Manners

United States Navy sailors and their partners pose for a photo while dancing at the Majestic Cabaret in Wellington, circa 1942.– New Zealand History

Comparing Manners

When American troops were stationed in New Zealand during the Second World War many young women were bowled over by their suave manners, which contrasted with the less polished advances of New Zealand men. Americans brought presents such as flowers and candy, whereas New Zealand men arrived empty-handed and expected their dates to pay their own way.

One woman later remarked that American men 'gave us the gentle, careful attentions that we were starved of, and moreover did it in a way that made us expect more of our boys when they came back. A good many of them, sensing comparison with American manners, had to pull their socks up.’ – Quoted in Lauris Edmond, ed, Women in Wartime: New Zealand women tell their story. Wellington: Government Printing Office, 1986

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette of a Tea “Dutchess”

The Duchess of Queensberry and her Dutchess Tea Spoon 

The Duchess of Queensberry, Catherine Hyde Douglas

There is quite a bit of history at the Royal College of Physicians in England. After all, it was founded in 1518 by a charter granted by King Henry VIII, so it has been in business for quite some time.

The teaspoon in question, or a “Dutchess” if you will, is from a collection of medical artifacts at the college. Medical artifacts collected by the late Dr. Cecil Symons (1921–1987) and his wife, Jean.

Dr. Symons was a cardiologist with a curiosity about Georgian Era medicinal spoons, among other things. He and his wife Jean didn't simply buy items for their historical significance, many were bought because they simply liked the pieces and found them interesting. I have found most collectors to buy items for the same reason.

       A “Dutchess” (c. 1755), engraved on a similar spoon in the Symons Collection made by Thomas and William Chawner in London and a silver medicine spoon and case (c.1755) inscribed 'Gift of the Dutchess of Queensberry to Lady Carberry

According to Jean Symons in her article, “A duchess, a physician and a spoon,” Symons writes, "The development of the medicine spoon in the Georgian era and particularly whether it preceded the teaspoon - or vice versa - was of particular interest. In 1979 a spoon came up for auction inscribed: 

‘Gift of the Dutchess of Queensberry to Lady Carberry.’ Why did she give a spoon in a shagreen case? Was it for medicine or tea? She was known to have a deep interest in potions, tissanes and balsamic draughts and to have made them for her friends. A dose of medicine became known as ‘a teaspoonful’ and it is interesting that that the modern 5ml plastic medicine measure has exactly the same capacity as the Dutchess of Carberry of 1755.”

‘Gift of the Dutchess of Queensberry to Lady Carberry’ 

Just as today, tea at that time was promoted by many as having medicinal benefits. In fact, according to Symons, the Duchess of Queensberry had given away many such spoons as gifts, along with the “medicines” she had made. So many were given away in fact, that a teaspoon soon came to be known as “a Dutchess.”

Notes Symons, “A dose of medicine became known as ‘a teaspoonful’ and the modern plastic medicine spoon, still called a teaspoon, has an identical 5 ml capacity to the Duchess’s silver spoon, which further suggests it may have been used as a medicine spoon.” So there you have it... A “dutchess” is just like a teaspoon!

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Introduction Etiquette

Another bit of etiquette equally well defined is that a lady, after a gentleman has been introduced to her, should, on another meeting, recognize him first, it being her prerogative to drop the acquaintance if she sees fit. This bit of etiquette, however, is apt to be ignored, women instinctively falling into the habit of waiting for men to take the initiative in recognition, as everything else. Women frequently complain of the discourtesy of men in this matter, while the latter are merely observing the form of courtesy which etiquette has ordained.

Although it is an established rule of etiquette that persons meeting in society are at liberty to speak without an introduction when they know each other by sight, Americans are not very likely to do so; however familiar they may be with the rule. While it devolves on the host and hostess to introduce their guests, they cannot, of necessity, introduce more than a part of them; hence part of the duty falls upon the guest themselves. The awkwardness, even the anoyance of repeatedly meeting men and women with whose names and faces you are entirely familiar, but to whom you have not been introduced, is constantly observable in social circles. The presumption that members of the same calling, or of the same set, always know each other is entirely unwarranted. 

Even should they know each other, it can do no harm, if there be any doubt in the introducer’s mind, to represent them. It is easy to say: “ I suppose, Mrs. or Miss—, you are acquainted with Mr.—” or “No doubt, Mr.—, you have met Mr.—.” If the parties have been introduced, the offered courtesy will not be superfluous or embarrassing. If they have not been, the politeness is well-timed. The absence or neglect of this attention has a tendency to create a sort of antagonism between persons visually acquainted who have met again and again without recognition. Each is inclined to think: “He knows me very well, but he will not speak. If he feels so, I am sure I will not be the one to speak first.” 

We have known persons of prominence, men particularly; to encounter one another at parties and receptions through a whole season without an introduction. Having many friends in general, and being constantly thrown together, the mistake is naturally made that they are acquainted. Another bit of etiquette equally well defined is that a lady, after a gentleman has been introduced to her, should, on another meeting, recognize him first, it being her prerogative to drop the acquaintance if she sees fit. This bit of etiquette, however, is apt to be ignored, women instinctively falling into the habit of waiting for men to take the initiative in recognition, as everything else. Women frequently complain of the discourtesy of men in this matter, while the latter are merely observing the form of courtesy which etiquette has ordained. -Scribner's Monthly, 1875

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Manners for Young Children

On Politeness of Young Children – “Give a boy address and accomplishments, and you give him the mastery of palaces and fortunes wherever he goes.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson

Children should be taught that it is rude...

• To yawn without trying to suppress it, or without concealing the mouth with the hand 
• To whistle or hum in the presence of older persons
• To make any monotonous noise with feet or hands, beating time, etc... 
• To play with napkin rings, or any article at table during meal time 
• To pick the teeth with the fingers
• To trim or clean one’s nails outside one’s room 
• To lounge anywhere in the presence of company
• To place the elbows on the table, or to lean upon it while eating
• To speak of absent persons by their first names, when they would not so address them if they were present
• To acquire the habit of saying “you know,” “says he,” “says she” 
• To use slang words
• To tattle
• To hide the mouth with the hand when speaking 
• To point at anyone or anything with the finger
• To stare at persons
• To laugh at one’s own stories or remarks
• To toss articles instead of handing them
• To leave the table with food in the mouth 
• To take possession of a seat that belongs to another without instantly rising upon his return
• To leave anyone without saying “good-by” 
• To interrupt any one in conversation; 
• To push or shove others
• To ridicule others
• To pass, without speaking, any one whom they know

From Practical Etiquette by N.C., circa 1881

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Café And Restaurant Etiquette

“Tip quietly, discreetly; the girl with you will know you don't kiss and tell,” is the first rule of correct restaurant conduct, according to Niccolo de Quattrociocchi, who ran “El Borracho” in New York. The famed café was well known for it’s “Kiss Room.” Thousands of signed ‘lipstick-kissed’ cards, from various female patrons, hung all around the room. Newcomers added to the cards as time passed, adding to the room’s romantic whimsy.

Man Who Knows New York’s Famed 

‘Café Society’ 

Tells How to Behave Properly in a Café 

“Tip quietly, discreetly; the girl with you will know you don't kiss and tell,” is the first rule of correct restaurant conduct, according to Niccolo de Quattrociocchi, who runs El Borracho, a restaurant and rendezvous of Café Society. 

Nicky Q, as he is better known, has turned author with the issue of his book “Love and Dishes.” The volume is a combination autobiography and cook book, including recipes which Nicky has culled from his own kitchen as well as from the kitchens of other famous eating houses here, and abroad. 

Other rules which Nicky, a stickler for etiquette, puts forth for guidance are: 

• “Your cash looks much nicer than your personal checks. If you must write checks, make sure they are not ‘rubberized.’ 
• “Check your hat when you enter a smart joint. What's two bits to you? 
• “If you are the suave, mysterious type, you talk quietly. People next to you like to carry on conversations of their own, which is impossible if you are a loudmouth.
• “Don’t nag, frighten or otherwise convert waiters into nervous wrecks. Be nice and they will spread the word around about what a gentleman you are—if you are the type that likes to be taken for one. 
• “Make sure you really want what you order. A restaurant is not a department store. Exchanges sag the profit. 
• “If you are a girl, you will look ravishing and very alluring as you comb your hair in a restaurant. But who wants alluring hair flying into his soup?Use the powder room. 
• “If you feel romantic, don’t neck in a restaurant. There is time, place and a quiet room for things of that sort. 
• “Restaurants’ pepper and salt shakers and silver are really no better than yours. Besides, restaurants are not in the souvenir business. 
• “Don’t pick fights in restaurants. Chances are you will lose. 
• “If you feel sleepy, go home. 
• “If you are a boy who consents to his lady friend paying the check, make sure she comes across in the taxi. Everyone sees the money she passes to you under the table. 
• “Don’t be a sound effect eater. Chew with your mouth closed. 
• “Don't rinse your month with coffee. Please!” – New York Times, 1951

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for the Uncomfortable

Sometimes people just want to dig into your personal business, or think they're being helpful by patronizing you. 

Dealing with an Uncomfortable Subject

I've said it before: humans are unpredictable. And interacting with our fellow humans can place us in unpredictable situations that challenge our behavior. Like when you're having a conversation with someone and that person all of a sudden brings up an uncomfortable subject. Maybe she forgot the hints you've given that you don't want to discuss it. Or maybe he is trying to get a reaction from you. Either way, your first reaction may be to cut and run. Or to react defensively. But neither of these will resolve the situation appropriately.

The Games People Play

Aunt Sally knows that you don't wish to discuss your relationship status. Being single during the holidays gets to you sometimes. And yet, as she does nearly every year, at Thanksgiving dinner she pipes up, “Has the marriage bug stricken you yet?” Almost worse than the invasive question is that you know she has a hidden agenda. She’s always wondered about your lifestyle leanings.

Or maybe your co-worker grimaces every time you use up-talk in his presence. Sometimes he says, “Really?” You try to pay attention in order to break the habit, but you're also very tired of feeling scrutinized in most conversations. Does he want a reaction from you? Or is this his way of helping you break the habit? Does he really just forget that you’ve asked him before not to bring up this topic?

These, or similar situations are common. Sometimes people just want to dig into your personal business, or think they're being helpful by patronizing you.
In the past you have tried changing the subject directly, laughed it off, looked away and pretended you didn’t hear, or brought someone else into the conversation with a fresh topic. Now it’s on the line. You are being confronted with a situation that requires tact and direct solution. And in the company of others.

Take Your Stand

You have every right to stand up for yourself when you feel put upon or are unfairly pushed into the spotlight.

To deal with similar scenarios as with Aunt Sally or a co-worker, relax your face, put on a friendly (not smirky!) smile, and say with an even tone:
“Aunt Sally, why would the answer to your question be of interest?”

Or

“Jonathan, is perfecting my speech habits a top office priority?”

Each of these responses will put these folks on the spot. And as there is no place for them to go without losing dignity, they will probably sputter and you can easily move on.


To recap - follow these three steps to stand up for yourself:

• Keep agitation and anger in check.
• Confront the person in a friendly, but firm, manner.
• Verbally respond by getting straight to the heart of the matter. Keep it short - you don't want to talk about this subject.

You also don't want to get pulled into a long, private conversation afterwards. So if an apology is issued, you might respond with: “Aunt Sally, thank you. I appreciate your words. Let’s head on back to the kitchen and get on with cleaning up. We can drop this subject forever now, can't we?”

Or, “Jonathan, it’s ok. We both have so much to contribute and we’re going to do just that! Let’s walk down the hall and see if Mary has time to review our project.”

In personal and professional communication, truth-telling should be a way of life. But there are some things that, for whatever the reason, you do not want to talk about. And that’s perfectly fine - you always have a choice.

Just remember that you can be honest and kind simultaneously with ruffling everyone’s feathers.

Contributor, Candace Smith is retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Cross-Cultural Dining Etiquette

Best keep table manners simple and straight 

“I would tinker with all the different instruments arrayed on the tablecloths: the knives, the forks, the completely round spoon that was only for soup, the funny-shaped spoon for the slab of ice-cream, and so on.” – Ruchir Joshi

In the middle-class Indian household in which I grew up, the dining table was a relatively new thing. Visiting my parents' families in Ahmedabad, I sat cross-legged on the low wooden paatlaa for my meals like everyone there.

At home, at the dining table, we replicated what I would call basic South Asian rules of eating with the hand, always using the right hand and never the left, of jhootha and clean, etc... The only implement used at our table was the spoon in various sizes. It was only when we made the rare visit to restaurants that other cutlery came into play. Here, fascinated, I would tinker with all the different instruments arrayed on the tablecloths: the knives, the forks, the completely round spoon that was only for soup, the funny-shaped spoon for the slab of ice-cream, and so on.

At some point, at my parents' bidding, a friend of theirs, P-Mama, coached me in the correct method of using a knife and fork: elbows always away from the table, hold the knife and fork at right angles, use the fork to keep the target bite of omelette or cutlet in place while the knife severs it from the main body of the dish; tilt the soup bowl away from yourself and spoon up the soup, again, always away from yourself, but do the opposite with other spoonable matter; always squash the peas against the back of the fork so that they didn't roll away; keep knife and fork crossed on plate if you are only pausing during eating, and parallel and close together if you have terminated your meal or that particular dish, and so on and so forth.

Because table and cutlery manners were embedded in a continuum of gracious behaviour, along with this training came a lecture on the use of bad words. 'I was once at meeting with my business collaborators in London,' P-Mama recounted, 'and I used the word 'damn'. My opposite number immediately got up from the table and called a break, "Mr P you are clearly upset. Let's meet after lunch." and I realised my mistake.'

Reaching America as a college student, I quickly grasped that for every set of rules created by western society there existed an exact opposite set of behaviours. Students in my college canteen used the fork in their right ha nd, rarely used the knife, used the fork to throw food at each other and their hands to throw peas. They also used a lot of bad words, epithets much further down the civilisation chain than the demure 'damn' that had got P-Mama into such trouble in those ancient British times. After college, working as waiter in a posh singles bar and restaurant in New York, another set of 'manners' came into play, from bantering with customers, (but only up to a strict, invisible line) to accepting or refusing politely when you were offered a line of cocaine under the table.

Afterwards, it was the tip the table left you that mattered and not the hieroglyphic mess of cutlery scattered here and there. Moving into different cultures, one understood that table manners were complex and shifting things. It was better not to use chopsticks in a Chinese or Japanese restaurant if you weren't adept, and certainly not cool to make slant-eye jokes while fiddling incompetently with the damn things. The French always immediately put their napkins on their laps while Anglo-Saxons tended to wait till the food was served. Continentals would use the table-cloth to break bread and use their hands to eat it, both a complete no-no with P-Mama who took a long time to show me how to slice a bread-roll in half, butter it and put it back together again, with minimum use of fingers.

Then came the actual experience of another truism one had only read about: the more 'aristocratic' you were, in England, the worse you behaved at table, the 'better' you behaved at table the more you gave away your aspirant class. This reminded one of the old story about how it was once highly impolite in exalted circles in China to do anything but throw your bones and other foodly rejections over your shoulders - to keep stuff neatly on a plate implied the host was too poor to employ a vast army of servants to clear up after his guests. Coming back full circle, a few years ago, I found myself tagging along with a friend for dinner at a Spanish woman's house in Jorbagh. As we sat down for aperitifs, the lady launched into a diatribe about how she couldn't stand this Indian business of eating with the hands.

'Barbarians!' she exclaimed, completely oblivious, or perhaps not, of my presence in her living- room. For a moment I contemplated vicious retaliation: I would eat each thing this cretinous senora served at dinner, but only with my hands, making the most outrageous slurping sounds as I did. As it is, I suddenly remembered a phone-call I was about to receive on my land-line and left the party, leaving my friend, a Frenchwoman, to berate her host for her insulting comments. I remembered this when I read recently about the Indian couple whose children were taken away by the Norwegian authorities. Later, other factors came to light, but we all shared the initial outrage when reading that the kids had been taken away because they were being taught to eat with their hands.

The other day, I ate an Indian meal with an English friend. Like most of the British public, my friend is more than happy to tuck into desi khana, pizza, sandwiches and, yes, Spanish tapas with his hands, and he rapidly got busy attacking the dal, chicken and sabzi laid before us. I started eating and then noticed the strange contortions my friend was making with his fingers, as well as the awkward combinations of knife, fork and naanas- implement to get at his food. For a brief second I felt like giving him a demo-lecture on how desi food needs to be eaten (and yes, in these modern times, eaten with both hands fully deployed) but then I did away with my discomfort. I remembered, once again, that genuine manners, especially table manners have to do with two basic things.

First, you want to avoid inciting repulsion and disgust in the people around you, wherefore the edicts against eating with your mouth open, burping and slurping, dribbling sauce down the side of your mouth and so on. Now, disgust is a highly context-driven thing. My vegetarian mother, for example, could not bear watching a person tear into a tandoori or barbecued chicken, mining the bones for little treasures of meat as proper non-vegetarians do.  Some European aristocrat, on the other hand, might not be able to stomach the sight of a desi sucking on drumsticks or licking their fingers clean of dal. So, a good idea is to more or less stick to what will cause minimal discomfort to the audience of your meal-taking, but within the cultural context of the meal. Second, and equally if not more important, is the role manners play in putting the other person or people around you at ease.

Food, essentially is about nourishment, and this nourishment best takes place when the eater is relaxed and un-fussed about his or her ingesting environment; duty meals are among the most stressful rituals that humans put themselves through.  If we follow this basic doublesided principle - while eating, put others at ease and protect your own - we should be able to eat as we like, using the fish knife for buttering, using the fingers for tearing the steak and the coffee spoon for stirring the tea. – Originally published by Mail Online, March 2012, written by Ruchir Joshi

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette of Debt and Borrowers

“Mere conventions, mere formal ceremonies, do not indicate good manners. Good manners are the result of an unselfish desire to avoid annoying others and to give pleasure to one’s associates.” – Ella Wheeler Wilcox 

Borrowers Should Form a Union and Establish Rules and Regulations 

Too Many Receive Favors Only to Forget the Lender...

Failing to Recompense and Never Thinking to Express Gratitude, Thus Hurting Hearts That Were Friendly

It’s a world malady which few of its denizens are able to escape. Sooner or later, the burden of debt is incurred for a longer or shorter period of time. It is a misfortune but not a crime to incur debt. The man who owes somebody, has a much larger company with whom he associates than the man who lends. So old and so almost universal is the position of the debtor that a “Debtors’ Union” ought to be formed. 

Every union, every organization of any kind, has its certain laws, formalities and obligations, both written and unwritten, which make what might he called the etiquette of the order. The borrowers of the world need such a union, and are sadly in need of an understanding of its laws of etiquette. Here are a few outlines of those laws: 

You who have asked and received money, or influence, from anyone in the world to enable you to further your own interests, will understand that these laws are outlined for your special benefit. And if you will, be glad to know in your heart, that the reproof they convey to the delinquent, the thoughtless or the indifferent does not apply to you. The reproof is intended for the thoughtless, the delinquent and the indifferent. 

After Receiving the Favor, Too Many Lapse Into Silence 

A struggling youth, intelligent, moral, industrious, found herself in temporary embarrassment, and wrote to a friend asking for a loan. The loan was granted promptly, and with words implying the pleasure it was to be aide to bestow this favor. A grateful acknowledgement of the accompanying check was received in reply. Then an utter silence ensued. Months became a year and no word was heard from the young woman who had been benefited, save an occasional item of information through casual mutual acquaintances. 

The etiquette of the Debtors’ Union should demand that at least twice a year a courteous and friendly note should be written from the debtor to the lender, telling of his doings, his interests, his efforts toward success and his belief in final attainment of the goal he was seeking. No continual reference need be made to the debt, but the individual who is sufficiently interested in another to lend him aid of any kind is sufficiently interested to feel the wound of silence and neglect. 

Another young lad had passed through great sorrows and unusual tragedies, which resulted in the breaking up of his home and in his becoming adrift in the world without kith or kin. He wrote to a lady who had known him from childhood, asking for a small loan, with which he could provide himself decent raiment to wear in the fulfillment of duties he had recently secured. He assured the lady he would repay her one dollar a week until the debt was liquidated. The check was sent gladly, and in the accompanying letter, the lady said she accepted his terms of payment, as she felt it would enable him to feel more manly and to form business-like methods. Her bank returned the voucher of her check, which had been cashed, but in that way only was she even aware that it was ever received. No acknowledgment was sent to her, and even a letter of inquiry, after more than six months, brought no reply. 

These are but two illustrations of what seems to be an almost universal habit of the borrowers of the world. To lend money to one's friend seems almost invariably to cause a deterioration of character and a loss of high ideals and nobility of thought in the borrower. It may be urged by the borrowers that they feel sensitive in regard to their debt and do not like to write until they are able to liquidate it. But if they are not too sensitive to ask such favors they should not be too sensitive to refer to them after they have been granted. 

There are shining exceptions, of course, to these dark examples. A woman struggling in direct poverty with a sick husband and a large family of small children (a woman of refinement and education) borrowed $100.00 in an hour of great despair. That was ten years ago. Two or three times a year the benefactor receives a few words, at least, and often a long letter from the one benefited, and even small sums have been insistently enforced upon the lender to lessen the debt in order that the borrower might retain her self-respect. In that way, half the sum has been paid, but better than that, admiration and affection for the borrower have been strong factors in enriching the life of the lender. Here was one who understood, without being taught, the etiquette of debt. But they are few. – Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1915

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Junior Miss Etiquette of 1964

“This is my first big holiday season and the list of parties is almost endless. I am terrified that I may commit sonic social error and not even know it....” 

Dear Miss Deb...

For answers to your questions on dating, etiquette and beauty 

Q. My dates and I have no trouble with conversation until that agonizing good night scene at the door. I could die as I shift from one foot to the other and stammer, “ . . guess I’ll he seeing you” for the millionth time. How can I develop a graceful exit technique?

A. By planning ahead just as you did in getting ready for the date. Locate your keys, express your feeling about the good time you had, make the small talk on the way to the door. Let him unlock and open the door for you. Don’t linger. Say your final “wonderful time-good night,” and allow your smile to float back briefly as you disappear behind the closing door. If you work it right, he may be disappointed, but not offended! 

Q. This is my first big holiday season and the list of parties is almost endless. I am terrified that I may commit sonic social error and not even know it. Are there any definite party going rules I could learn for insurance?

A. There probably are as many rules as there are parties, but here arc three tips which provide a general rule of thumb. Always try to be helpful, cooperative about any special party plans, and a happy conversationalist. (If you're not good at small talk, be an enthusiastic listener!) Be as thoughtful about the family and their home as you would want people to be about your own. Express your thanks for a good time and leave promptly when the party is over. These guideposts should make you the most popular guest of the season.

Q. Older people make me self-conscious. I always feel they are critical of me because of all the talk about wild teenagers. Should I just avoid them whenever possible?

A. The sooner you learn to deal casually and respectfully with older adults the better. They will be coming into your life more and more as you go away to school or out into the job market. Begin by relaxing and being as natural as possible. Remember, adults like to be put at their ease, too. Just as you don't like to be considered a “wild teenager,” adults don't like to be thought of as “has-beens” or “critical old fuddy-duddies.” Try to listen for the likenesses between you instead of the differences.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Men’s 1911 Etiquette Do’s and Don’ts

“I know that women’s hats often annoy you more than yours possibly can them. I have been informed of these and all other arguments on the subject before. But you see, I didn't establish the custom. Convention did that and she still favors it.” – Ruth Cameron, 1911

A Few Etiquette “Do’s and Dont’s” for the Masculine Sex

• Never smoke when on the street with a woman. 
• Never smoke when in the room with women, no matter how well you know them, without asking their permission. 
• When you are smoking, never talk with your pipe between your teeth. Always remove it before speaking. 
• Always remove your hat in an elevator where there are women. Yes, I know that an elevator is not so very different from a street car, and men keep their hats on there, and I know that women’s hats often annoy you more than yours possibly can them. I have been informed of these and all other arguments on the subject before. But you see, I didn't establish the custom. Convention did that and she still favors it. 
• Never just touch your hat. The true gentleman always lifts it well off his head. 
• Never take a woman's arm in the street. If you wish to assist her you should offer her your arm, but that is not customary except at night or if she is aged or infirm. 
• When you are with a woman, always get off a car before her, so that you may help her off. 
• Never clean your nails or pick your teeth in the presence of your intimate friends any more than you would in public. It is just as unpleasant to them to have to see you as to the general public, and surely you owe them as much consideration. (Will the people who think that warning is not needed, anyway please watch and see how many really decent looking men they see offending that way?)
• Always rise when a woman enters the room where you are calling and remain standing until she is seated. 
• In the theater, if an usher helps you find the seat, let the lady precede you. Otherwise you precede her. 
• Don't sit in a street car with your feet stretched out in front of you where people will be apt to tumble over them. That is selfish and dangerous, as well as ill bred. 
• At the table, always remain standing behind your chair until your hostess is seated. I think it is a charming bit of domestic ceremony when this custom is carried out in the home circle and the father and children remain standing until the mother is seated.  – by Ruth Cameron, in The Morning Chat-Chat, 1911

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Doggy Bag Etiquette

Ancient Roman dinner guests are depicted lounging on a triclinium. “If they were too full to finish their food, they could wrap the leftovers in a napkin to take home.” 

Requesting a restaurant “doggy bag” is seen as an American custom. It has long been frowned upon, and considered poor etiquette, especially at the end of business meals, wedding receptions or birthday parties. 

The French consider the doggy bag as an affront to gastronomic etiquette, but restaurants there are legally obliged to provide them if requested by diners, since a law went into effect in 2016, in a move to cut food wastage. “Many chefs detest ‘le doggy bag’ – there is no French term for it – because they think it implies that their food is only fit for dogs. The hotel and restaurant industry union has been trying to promote the use of another franglais term, “le gourmet bag,” to encourage the practice.” – The Telegraph

The first napkin was a lump of dough the Spartans called ‘apomagdalie.’ It was a mixture cut into small pieces, which was rolled and kneeded at the table. This custom that led to using sliced bread to wipe the hands. In Roman antiquity, napkins known as ‘sudaria’ and ‘mappae’ were made in both small and large lengths.

The ‘sudarium,’ Latin for ‘handkerchief,’ was a pocket-size fabric for blotting the brow during meals in the warm Mediterranean climate. The ‘mappa’ was a larger cloth spread over the edge of the couch, and acted as protection from food taken in a reclining position. The fabric was also used to blot the lips. Although each guest supplied his own mappa, on departure ‘mappae’ (plural) were filled with delicacies leftover from the feast, a custom that continues today in American restaurant ‘doggy bags.’ –Sources include Margaret Visser's “The Rituals of Dinner” and “The Art of the Table”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

How Etiquette Alleviates Negativity

In today's society, many people realize that etiquette does not imply white gloves, children curtsying, and women passing first through every door. But what does not change is the ever-present need for courtesy, respect, and mindfulness of the needs of others.

These are conscious choices individuals must make. Having systems of etiquette in place, in mind and habit, are incredibly helpful. Situations that put you in the company of others are sometimes challenged by technology, noise, or others’ improprieties.

This can be stressful. Especially when there is a lot of negativity “out there” whether displayed via attitude (disagreeable, pessimistic, harsh) or action (rude, uncooperative, unhelpful).

“The word etiquette literally means ‘ticket’ or ‘card,’ and refers to the ancient custom of a monarch setting forth ceremonial rules and regulations to be observed by members of the court. As far back as Anglo-Saxon times, consideration for others, as well as observance of a monarch’s rules, was part of etiquette, as demonstrated in the epic poem “Beowulf,” written around A.D. 700, when Queen Wealtheow, ‘mindful of etiquette,’ offered the goblet first to the kind, then to the courtiers, and finally to herself. And through the centuries the observance of such consideration has remained unquestioned.” –The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette by Nancy Tuckerman, Nancy Dunnan

How Does Etiquette Alleviate Negativity?

How is etiquette your ticket out of negativity? Employing etiquette practices provides an orderliness to life, thus regularizing your own habits. Politeness is always positive. So is courtesy and respect.

Replacing negative habits - like the attitude and action examples above - with the positive habits of etiquette, and being consistently mindful to do so, is part of being etiquette-ful. Etiquette is the language of manners and, though both what is mannerly and what is etiquetteful can change, the principles behind both, do not.

Respect and courtesy are built upon the positive, the embracing of a positive world view, one in which change is realized as a constant and getting along with others is valued daily.

Situations in life are always changing. Asking yourself, “What’s the etiquetteful thing to do here?” is asking what is the most respectful and courteous thing to do.

It may mean that learning about etiquette rules for dining, for example, would be a very comforting thing to do. Comfort leads to confidence and knowledge leads to know-how. This naturally comes into play when you take the time to be mindful of the guidelines for a given social situation.

Mindful = Etiquette-ful

Being etiquetteful means that a person never thinks in extremes. It’s the opposite of what negativity can lead a person to. It is situation specific. It is exclusively in the present moment. It is asking what you should or should not do now. Etiquette is now-oriented. Thus, etiquette is not all-or-nothing. It is never all about you, which is what negative thinking is.

Etiquette is about helping others feel good in certain situations. When you help another feel good by not pointing out a flaw, or welcoming them by extending your hand in an etiquette-ful handshake, you will naturally feel better yourself. And you’ve put some positivity into someone else’s world.

Being respectful and being cheerful are habits that can be cultivated. Just like being: contented, patient, forgiving, compassionate, modest, thoughtful, charitable, honest, truthful, and determined. All are a part of what the “How to’s” of etiquette pertain to.

Social changes, such as the recognition of the equality of women, have led to changes in what’s proper and recognized as courteous behavior. When the first person who arrives at a door knows it’s proper to open and hold the door for the next person(s) it makes what could be a cumbersome situation feel easy and seamless.

Habits of complaining, of being overly dramatic, come from a source of negativity. Etiquette doesn’t allow for complaining, and being overly dramatic limits the time you can spend getting to know someone else by practicing good listening habits.

The bottom line is: when you are positive and etiquetteful, there is simply no room for negative thoughts, attitudes, or actions.

Which will you choose?

Meet our newest contributor, Candace Smith... A retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and “U” People

English novelist, biographer and journalist, Nancy Mitford, was one of the “Bright Young People” on the London social scene in the inter-war years. One of the famed Mitford Sisters, she is best remembered for her novels about upper-class life and her sharp, provocative wit. In the 1950s Mitford was identified with the concept of “U” (Upper) and “Non-U” language. Written in jest, but taken seriously whereby, the “U” and “Non-U” language was to identify social origins and standing by words used by people in everyday speech. Because of this, or in spite of it, Mitford was considered an authority on manners and breeding.

If Britain’s Upper-Class is Slipping, it’s Doing it Gracefully

With the gradual disappearance of the English aristocracy into a quagmire of death duties, imperial decline and middle-class impertinence, it is fortunate that we already have a manual of aristocratic behavior and speech which, if it does not entirely explain how a common man can tell an aristocrat when he sees one, at least explains how English aristocrats recognize each other. The book is “Noblesse Oblige,” edited by Nancy Mitford.


Miss Mitford starts off with an essay by Prof. Alan Ross, a Birmingham University, on Upper-Class English Usage which was printed in Helsinki Finland in 1954. Professor Ross, pointing out that “it is solely by their language that the upper classes are distinguished (since they are neither cleaner, richer, nor better educated than anybody else),” has invented a formula to set them apart from the common ruck of humanity. He classifies expressions used by Upper-Class people as “U” while those used by others are characterized as “Non U.” 


Miss Mitford goes along with most of the Ross classifications, and Evelyn Waugh, who contributes his shilling's worth to the discussion, adds some of his own, like Lord Curzon's dictum that “no gentleman has soup at luncheon.” However, according to Ross, luncheon is no longer “U,” having been displaced by “lunch.” “U” people also have dinner in the evening, although “Non-U” speakers (also “U-children” and “U-dogs”) have their dinner in the middle of the day. 

The worst of it is (or was) that a, “non-U speaker has no way of learning the rules sufficiently well to pass as U in U circles. If he doesn’t betray his lowly origins by pronouncing ‘girl’ as ‘gurl’ instead of a modification of ‘gel,’ he’ll probably goof by saying, ‘Excuse my glove’ when about to shake hands.” 

Of course, non-U people and Americans are likely to think that this kind of thing is intended to impress people who are in trade or wear white socks. Actually, according to Strix, who also contributes to Miss Mitford’s Book, “U speech is not, as many believe, an arrogant and ‘snooty’ institution, used mainly like lorgnettes, for outfacing non-U speakers. It is the natural idiom of a comparatively small class and exists to further the purpose of communication with that class.”

Mr. Waugh, in his amusing comment on the subject declares that as a rule grandees avoid one another "unless they are closely related." In a ducal castle, Mr. Waugh declares, you might find "convalescent penurious cousins, advisory experts, sycophants, gigolos and plain blackmailers. The one thing you could be sure of not finding was a concourse of other dukes." An irreverent American might suspect that unrelieved U-ness can be wearying even to the most indisputably U.– Editorial in the Saturday Evening Post, 1957

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette Fit for Royal Visit

The Duke and Duchess of Connaught with Princess Patricia and Prince Arthur.

White House is Ready for the Prince’s Visit 

Simple Ceremonies Will Mark Reception Accorded Duke of Connaught

WASHINGTON, Jan. 24.—Arrangements for the reception tomorrow of the Duke of Connaught were completed by the White House and the State Department tonight. The uncle of one King, and brother of another, will be received as simply as is consistent with etiquette. As the Duchess and the Princess Patricia will not visit Washington, the Duke will go through the program aranged for his reception unsupported, except for the British ambassador, James Bryce, the staff of the British embassy and his personal aide, Colonel Lowther. Altogether his stay in the capital will be brief, and during most of his six or seven hours in Washington he will be on home territory within the acre or two covered by the British embassy. 

According to the announcement given out at the White House the Duke will arrive in Washington at 4:20 tomorrow afternoon. Major A.W. Butt, personal aide of President Taft, will meet the Duke at the Union Station and with the British ambassador and the embassy staff will form his escort to the embassy. At 5 o'clock, the Duke is expected to reach the White House. He will be led away from the embassy in a White House motor, accompanied by a squadron of cavalry. The cavalry will form an escort of honor to the portico of  the executive mansion and will deploy on the driveway in front, while he enters to be received. In front of the porte-cochère the Fifteenth Cavalry band will be stationed and as the Royal visitor enters it will play “God Save the King.” 

The Duke will be received by President Taft in much the same way as new ambassadors are received. As he enters the executive mansion he will be met by the military and naval aids of the President and escorted to the Green Room and then taken to the Blue Room, with the British ambassador and Chandler Hale, third Assistant Secretary of State. He will be presented formally to President Taft by the British, ambassador. After the Duke is introduced his staff will be presented. After this, Mrs. Taft will serve tea for the Duke and the ambassador in the Red Room. Members of the cabinet and their wives have been invited to be present. 

The Duke will leave the White House after this informal, reception is over, and the band outside will play “The Star Spangled Banner.” The squadron of cavalry will escort him back to the British embassy, and shortly, after he has stepped on British territory again, the President, accompanied by Major Butt, will return his “call.” So far as the government is concerned, this will end the Duke’s visit to Washington. Unofficially, it is known that afterward the Duke will be the guest at dinner of the British ambassador, and it is understood he will hold a reception for diplomats and government officials, but beyond his visit to the White House and the President's return trip, nothing was known tonight of the first visit of British Royalty to Washington in many years. – San Francisco Call, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Royalty... and Insanity?

Countess Feodora Georgina Maud von Gleichen, was the eldest daughter of Prince Victor of Hohenlohe-Langenburg (a British naval officer and sculptor, and half-nephew of Queen Victoria) and his morganatic wife, Laura Seymour. – Photo from Pinterest 

From “Items of Interest Clipped for the Busy Reader”

“The Coming Princess Albert Victor... I hear from a high English source that the Princess Feodore of Schleswig-Holstein, who did the Eiffel Tower the other day, chaperoned by her elderly maiden aunt, Amelie, of the same house, is in all likelihood the coming Princess Albert Victor of Wales. She is a sister of the German Empress and a niece of Prince Christian, the dull old husband of the best of Queen Victoria's daughters, is going on 16, looks a good sort of girl, and is almost pretty. But she is not likely to improve when the bloom of youth departs, and she wants winsome graces. Evidently, she has not come to her full height. When she does, she will probably be as tall as her Imperial sister.

The Queen would like to secure to her the Crown of Great Britain, because she is descended from her Majesty's mother, the Duchess of Kent, whose first husband was Prince Leiningen. Princess Feodore has been a good deal here with a party of aristocratic English friends, some of whom are connections of her aunt-in-law on the maternal side, Countess Gleichen. Count Gleichen abandoned his high born German status to marry Laura Seymour, and is a professional sculptor, high in the Queen's favor. Against German etiquette, she has been latterly styling them both Serene Highnesses. An objection to the proposed Royal match is that the young lady's mother is in a madhouse. There is already more than a touch of insanity in the Royal family of England.”—Paris Letter, 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Wedding Planning Etiquette

It is proper etiquette to send your gift ahead of the actual wedding date. If that is not possible, send it soon afterward, when the couple have returned from their honeymoon. Unless the wedding is held at the family home, or it is the cultural norm, it's not a good idea to bring your gift to the wedding ceremony or reception itself. If the bride and groom are leaving immediately from the reception to a honeymoon destination, they will have to arrange for someone else to pack up the gifts safely and take them away. – Above ~1960’s bride is helped by her Wedding Consultant, Anita Farrington Earl

A Wedding Consultant Tends to Hundred Little Details... An interview with a Wedding Consultant 

How long does it take to plan a big wedding? 

“It should be six months but it can be done in three,” Earl answers. The Wedding Consultant or Wedding Planner stays through every rehearsal and is on hand throughout the ceremony to zip up the bride’s dress or signal the organist to begin the music. 

Etiquette 

Before the wedding she does the planning, gives a list of etiquette, sets down the time schedule and gives check lists to each member of the party. She will assist the bride in selection of her gown and trousseau and the costumes of the mothers and bridal party. She aids arrangements for out-of-town guests, arranges the gift display, plans the bridesmaid’s luncheon, a tea for viewing presents and the rehearsal dinner. When it comes to the ceremony, she worries over every detail and even attends to the remuneration to the organist, police and minister. When it comes to the reception she will arrange for maid service, music, tips, has six pages of appropriate toasts and even suggests the order of dances.

Dance 

An example of dance etiquette, “As soon as the groom dances with the bride her father cuts in permitting the groom to ask the mother of the bride while the father and mother of the groom dance. “Then the father of the bride dances with the mother of the groom freeing the father of the groom to dance with the bride. “The best man then dances with the mother of the bride permitting the groom to dance with his mother.” Sounds complicated but it’s really not difficult, Mrs. Earl says. Mrs. Earl will make hair appointments; check to be sure the ring has been selected; make certain the couple gets a license; she suggests the bride break in her new shoes around the house before the ceremony; packs an emergency kit with sewing items, pins, kleenex, etc; and even suggest the bride call her family the next day to thank them for the wonderful affair. 

Invitations 

Invitations must be received three weeks ahead; the rule of thumb for ushers is one for every 50 guests; record gifts as received and send thank-you notes right away, she suggests. Quality always comes first keeping within the budget. Many florists or department stores, mostly sales girls, pretend to counsel on clothes and gifts, but they are not experts. It takes finesse and guidance, learned by experience, to create a wedding. You hire a professional to design a room why not a wedding, Mrs. Earl suggests. –Palos Verdes Peninsula News, 16 June 1966

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia