Gilded Age “Etiquette Testers”

To the uninitiated, a stalk of asparagus is a formidable object. To get it into his mouth without dropping it inside of his vest requires tact. He observes that the popular way is to use it as a bow, with his mouth as the fiddle. It is rarely he ventures on this plan from an exaggerated opinion of its magnitude. And the caution is proper enough, perhaps, as in applying the bow he may miscalculate the exact location of the fiddle, and to offend in this respect, even in the smallest degree, is to disarrange one's nose or mar one's chin.

The Etiquette Testers?

A Discourse by Jim Bailey

We are sorry to see a disposition on the part of some of our exchanges to make jests of asparagus eating. It is by nature a delicious vegetable, but in build it is designed to prove a decided injury to people of infirm digestion, that is, when cooked in the whole, which is the popular way. A man unused to table etiquette should, when invited out, or when at a hotel table, decline such articles that he is confident he cannot dispose of with ease. These are, principally, asparagus, green corn on the cob, chipped potatoes, small game, oranges and stewed fruits whose pits are too large to be swallowed with safety. 

However, he does not always use his firmness, and his plate becomes filled or surrounded by things which are designed to build him up, but which threaten to tear him down, and before them he quakes in fear and confusion. If he does not have the strength to decline them when passed, he must either leave them about his plate as embossed monuments of his folly, or risk his life, and the garments of his neighbor, in their disposal.

To the uninitiated, a stalk of asparagus is a formidable object. To get it into his mouth without dropping it inside of his vest requires tact. He observes that the popular way is to use it as a bow, with his mouth as the fiddle. It is rarely he ventures on this plan from an exaggerated opinion of its magnitude. And the caution is proper enough, perhaps, as in applying the bow he may miscalculate the exact location of the fiddle, and to offend in this respect, even in the smallest degree, is to disarrange one's nose or mar one's chin. 

Then, again, is another danger. The stalk may lap down, causing an entirely new effect to be made; or it may part in the middle from too great an enthusiasm in closing upon it, leaving a very small particle in the mouth, with the handle in the fingers, and the most palatable and larger part inside the vest. 

If taken up as a whole on the fork, and we find that new beginners generally pursue this course, it has to be coaxed and crowded into the mouth with as much demonstration as though it were a dog being put out doors. And when safely housed there is the indigestible end or handle to be disposed of. It cannot be returned to the plate. To be swallowed at all it must be chewed very fine, and in this process all the delicacy and rich flavor of the balance of the stalk is lost in the depraved taste of the tough skin.

A man should become thoroughly familiar with asparagus before going into society with it. Corn on the cob is rather difficult to manage. Perhaps the better way is to cut off the corn, but to the beginner very unsatisfactory results quite frequently attend this operation. It he bears too hard, and he invariably will, on the top of the cob, the lower end, resting on the plate, will suddenly slip from its place, and plough through the dishes with awful ferocity, leaving ruin and desolation in its train. 

Stone fruits should be prepared without the pits, except in the case of cherries whose pits are so small as to readily permit of their being bolted into the system in great quantities. But with prunes and peaches it is an altogether different matter, and unless a man's esophagus is of a most accommodating nature a less alarming disposition of the pits than swallowing them must be discovered. This is a serious dilemma to the diffident man. 

In the home circle they may be spilled out on the cloths thrown under the table. But in society these simple means of escape are frowned upon. If a man has a goodly number of hollow teeth they can be quietly conveyed to such receptacles for the time being, but in absence of this he must either eject them into a spoon and thence to the plate, as society demands, or carry them banked under his tongue until he can get away from the table and slip them back of the ottoman.

Next to asparagus chipped potatoes are a source of well-grounded appre hension in the mind of the man who has given no study to table etiquette. Of a strikingly tempting appearance, he takes them on his plate without realizing the awful danger he is rushing upon. He does understand that a knife is tabooed in lifting food to the mouth, and he resorts to his fork, and begins to think that there are some things which are more easily lifted with the latter than with the former article. 

A chipped potato is such a thing in appearance only. It cannot be speared without breaking it, and to get one across the tines is only to follow it four times around the circumference of the plate, and to have it roll off nineteen out of every twenty times it is secured. A slice of chipped potato, if untrammeled in its movements, will weaken the most powerful intellect, unsupported by experience. So, really, there is nothing in these things to make sport of, but very much indeed to deplore and dream over. –Danbury News, 1877

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Twain’s Etiquette Advice to Kaiser

Another tale and take of Mark Twain’s on etiquette.  
– Public domain image of  Mark Twain

 

Why Mark Twain Didn’t Talk at the Kaiser’s Table

A couple of days ago a gentleman called upon me with a message (from the German Emperor). The wording of the message to me was, “Convey to Mr. Clemens my kindest regards. Ask him if he remembers that dinner and ask him why he didn't do any talking.”

Why how could I talk while he was talking? “He held the age.” as the poker-clergy say, and two can’t talk at the same time with good effect. It reminds me of the man who was reproached by a friend, who said: “I think it a shame that you have not spoken to your wife for fifteen years. How do you explain it? How do you justify it?”

That poor man said: “I didn't want to interrupt her.”

If the Emperor had been at my table, he would not have suffered from my silence, he would only have suffered from the sorrows of his own solitude. If I were not too old to travel I would go to Berlin and introduce the etiquette of my own table, which tallies with the etiquette observable at other royal tables. 

I would say: “Invite me again. Your Majesty, and give me a chance”; then I would courteously waive rank and do all the talking myself. I thank His Majesty for his kind message, and am proud to have it and glad to express my sincere reciprocation of its sentiments.- From Mark Twain's Autobiography, in the North American Review for March 15, 1907

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Gilded Age Dining Etiquette’s Evolution

Above is a Gilded Age, sterling pie server in the “Love Disarmed” pattern, featuring Venus holding Cupid. This was one of the most, if not the most, stunning of the Gilded Age silver patterns, the design was patented in 1899.

At the Modern “Swell” Dinner:

Gilded Age Dining Etiquette’s Evolution

The serving or “place” plates, as they are often designated, are the most beautiful and costly used throughout the entire dinner. Present form permits these to be put at each cover when the table is laid, the plates for the two first courses (oysters and soup) resting upon them. They are then removed, having served their purpose as ornamental.

At the left of the plate is the napkin, within its folds the dinner roll. Directly in front of the plate is the individual salt, now (small as it is) an appointment of great beauty and expense. Sometimes it is a cut glass boat on silver waves, the salt spoon posing as an oar; again a half open crystal rose on a leaf of the wonderful Russian enamel. The water goblet and wine glasses stand at the right and are either grouped or “spiked,” which means placed in a row diagonally out from the plate, beginning with the largest and ending with the tiny glass for cordial. Thus arranged, under artificial light they take up and flash back the rays with great brilliancy, making them very ornamental

It is now the rule to use a fork instead of spoon wherever possible, so that the latter is almost banished from the modern table. Each course, however, requires a particular fork, making it a fine point with the uninitiated to determine between then when laid in a long row beside the cover. From this probably the method now adopted, which saves many mistakes and consequent embarrassment. When the table is laid the fish, meat and entree forks are placed at the left of each cover, at the right the meat knife, soup spoon, a smaller knife and the oyster fork. For all courses which follow the roast, the silver for each is passed on a tray just before it is served.

After the dessert, or “service of sweets,” as it is now termed, after dinner coffee, fruit and finger bowls are brought on. The coffee is put at the right and the finger bowl at the left of the fruit plate, the fruit knife and fork passed on the tray. In England butter is never used at dinner and seldom of late years this side of the water. If served, a tiny pat or ball on an individual butter plate is put in front of each cover.

Besides the foregoing items of correct service, “Table Talk” says as to dinner etiquette: The refusal of wine needs no excuse. A look at the waitress will answer the same purpose as a temperance lecture and will be in better taste. It is bad form to refuse a course, however distasteful it may be. It is courtesy to the hostess to take, taste and trifle with it until removed rather than attract attention by declining it.

The little after dinner coffee spoon, when not in use, is placed at the right of the cup in the saucer. Dip the soup spoon from you in the plate and lift the side toward you (never the point) to the lips if an accident occurs (an overturned glass or the breakage of some piece of glass or china), express regret, but do not overwhelm yourself or the hostess with apologies. – The Napa Daily Journal, 1899

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Gilded Age Etiquette for Teetotalers

It seems reasonable that a host or hostess, upon observing that a guest sits through course after course without touching his wine, should reflect that a mention of the subject would very likely produce embarrassment. It is a rule of good society that no word should be uttered therein which may produce embarrassment.

The Etiquette of Wine Drinking, as Applied to Abstainers and Their Entertainers

In these days of dinner giving and of the very usual serving of wine upon the tables of the rich and well to do, the conscientious abstainer finds it difficult as ever to do his duty. He is often the guest of men and women whom he feels to be in many respects far better than himself, and yet they serve wine, which his sense of right will not allow him to drink. Of course he allows the servant to fill his glass. If toasts are offered he lifts his glass to his lips. Of course also he says nothing to any one unless compelled to do so regarding his feelings in the matter.

There is an equally plain code, it would seem, for the host and hostess of such a guest, but from the fact that it is seldom observed it may not perhaps be quite so obvious as at first it appears. It seems reasonable that a host or hostess, upon observing that a guest sits through course after course without touching his wine, should reflect that a mention of the subject would very likely produce embarrassment. It is a rule of good society that no word should be uttered therein which may produce embarrassment. The guest presumably does not care to admit to one at whose table he is sitting, and whom he sees partaking of wine and pressing it upon others, that he does not think it right to enjoy that beverage. Only a pharisee of the pharisees could relish such a course as that.

If attention, therefore, is called to his abstinence he can only, as thousands have done before him, make some pretext to cover his eccentricity. He can say, “Wine does not agree with me,” or “Wine affects my head,” or his nerves or digestion or something of that sort, some one of which must be true. If pushed further he must of course admit that his conscience supplies his chief reason, thus indirectly condemning his host and hostess, and very likely every other guest at the table.

Upon stating the case in this plain way the breach of propriety committed by those who question a guest concerning his reasons for refusing to drink wine becomes glaringly evident. Yet this is done constantly by otherwise well bred people. A host and hostess. should never seem to observe that a guest does not drink his wine. He has manifested his good opinion of them, in a general way, by appearing at their table. They should not drive him to emphasize, in such a place, whatever differences there may be between them.

A lady was once entertaining at luncheon a woman whom she had supposed to be a lady also, and whom, although a stranger, she had called upon and invited to her table out of regard for the mutual friend for whom the party was given. No wine was served with this luncheon. One of the ladies present, a warm prohibitionist, injudiciously remarked upon the fact. The stranger took up the subject with unnecessary energy and calmly declared amid the silence of the astonished company that she was rendered very uncomfortable by being obliged to take a meal without wine.

The hostess, unable to endure the reflection that a partaker at her table should be afflicted with the pangs of in digestion in consequence, managed to linger with her strange guest for a few moments after the rest and ordered brought for her a glass of peptonized sherry, the only drink of the kind which the house contained, and which she condescendingly drank. – Kate Upson Clark, 1893

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Gilded Age Etiquette Service à la Russe

An 1890’s oyster fork in the Shrewsbury pattern looks so much like the depiction drawn in the catalog, it is hard to tell the two apart! Oyster forks can be placed on the right side of the place setting if there are already three forks on the left side of each place setting. – “Oysters are usually at each place when the company assembles, having been kept very cold, on ice and salt, up to the moment of serving. A quarter of a lemon and very thin slices of brown bread, buttered, are the usual concomitants. No person should ever be left without a plate before him, except at the time of the clearing of the table, preparatory to the introduction of the sweet course, this is one of the primary rules of serving.” 

Serving a Dinner à la Russe

To serve à la Russe, which is at once the simplest and most elegant manner when guests are present, it is only necessary to pass the dishes of each course in rotation, beginning alternately at the right and the left of the guest, writes Mrs. Van Koert in the Ladies Home Journal. Some think it more courteous to serve all the ladies first, but it is not now considered a breach of strict etiquette to serve in regular order.

The old French custom required that the dishes, elaborately garnished, and the meats, sometimes stabbed with silver skewers, like crossed swords, should be placed upon the table, before the host and hostess alternately, for a moment, to give the guests an opportunity of admiring them previous to them being carved, but this formality has gone out of fashion even among the French themselves.

Oysters are usually at each place when the company assembles, having been kept very cold, on ice and salt, up to the moment of serving. A quarter of a lemon and very thin slices of brown bread, buttered, are the usual concomitants. No person should ever be left without a plate before him, except at the time of the clearing of the table, preparatory to the introduction of the sweet course, this is one of the primary rules of serving.

Under each oyster plate it is customary to have a dinner plate, upon which also the one containing the soup is placed. A dinner can hardly be served with elegance by less than two persons, although attention to the prescribed rules greatly simplifies the matter. The soup should be served from a side table, a ladleful to each plate. Plates are then carried one by one to their destination. — The Sacramento Daily Union, 1893

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Dinner Etiquette in NYC vs Paris

A gilded terrapin fork and gilded ladle, with terrapin bowls and plates in Limoges French porcelain mixed with Royal Worcester British porcelain. – Many French dinner notions are copied in the U.S. — notably that of serving on unbroken dishes…

A 2nd Debut article from 2020… 

The etiquette of French dinners is more formal than that of American. In Paris, which is all of France, one must never betray any admiration of any effects evolved during the dinner, gastronomic or decorative, much less speak of them. In New York, which by the same token is all of America, it is rather remiss not to express in some uneffusive way, one’s pleasure of taste or sight. “What a charming arrangement of flowers!” “This salad is something to remember!” and others like these, are phrases which no New York hostess thinks of resenting; indeed, rather hopes for. Many French dinner notions are, however, copied here, notably that of serving on unbroken dishes.— New York Times, 1894

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Etiquette for 12 Year Olds

Q. Do you think a girl of 12 should go to record hops? The children are from 10 to 16. -K. L., York, Me.
A. If such dances are carefully chaperoned and in acceptable places, I see no objection to a 12-year-old attending with a group. – Amy Vanderbilt

The average 12-year-old is very self-conscious, neither child nor young adult. If a boy, he still may be short and childish in appearance while some of his classmates have begun to shoot a foot or more above him; he is certain he will remain a small boy, that his voice will never change, that girls will never look at him.

The girls, on the other hand, badger their mothers for permission to appear older than their years. They want permanents, longer dresses, lipstick, nylons, high heels and the privileges of their older sisters. When they can't get satisfaction from mothers, they often write me. Here are some letters from 12-year-olds:

Q. Every time my mother buys me clothes I have to take what she wants. I am thankful that she buys my clothes - but I would like to pick them myself! - C. B., Chicago.

A. Stress your gratitude and praise your mother for her good taste. Explain that it has developed yours to the extent that you feel you should have more to say about your clothes so long as you stay within the budget specified. And when you choose your own clothes, make sure you really like them - remember, you have to wear them.

Q. I go to a boy-and-girl dancing party at a high school a block and a half from my home. My mother comes to pick me up, but I would like to walk home with the rest of the kids. We decided to leave this up to you. - M. B., Madison, Wis.

A. The school should have the boys see the girls home in a group. But if your mother knows when you are leaving and is waiting for you, such a short walk should be safe for your group, even without the boys.

Q. Am I old enough to let a boy put his arm around me at a show? - R. L., West Richfield, Ohio.

A. The public display of affection except in very brief fashion is considered vulgar. You are too young under any circumstances to sit this way with a boy.

Q. Do you think a girl of 12 should go to record hops? The children are from 10 to 16. -K. L., York, Me.

A. If such dances are carefully chaperoned and in acceptable places, I see no objection to a 12-year-old attending with a group. – Parade Magazine, 1956

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Advice for 12 Year Olds

The girls badger their mothers for permission to appear older than their years. They want permanents, longer dresses, lipstick, nylons, high heels and the privileges of their older sisters…

The average 12-year-old is very self-conscious, neither child nor young adult. If a boy, he still may be short and childish in appearance while some of his classmates have begun to shoot a foot or more above him; he is certain he will remain a small boy, that his voice will never change, that girls will never look at him.

The girls, on the other hand, badger their mothers for permission to appear older than their years. They want permanents, longer dresses, lipstick, nylons, high heels and the privileges of their older sisters. When they can't get satisfaction from mothers, they often write me. Here are some letters from 12-year-olds:

Q. I may be a little young to be worrying about this, but the young ladies of my school just don't seem to like me - especially at dances. I'm neat, and not bad looking. Would you please help me? J. H., Denver, Colo.

A. One of the nice things about being 12 is that you know you will change. You are not physically what you are sure to become in a few years. Socially and intellectually you are bound to improve remarkably. Try worrying less about yourself and work on how to be agreeable to the girls in your class. Avoid looking bored; people like girls and boys who look alive and make them feel alive. And, of course, work hard on your dancing.

Q. I think you're being unfair to us girls of 12. I believe we should be able to wear lip- stick. I wear coral clear; is that all right? K. D., St. Louis.

A. Once you start using lipstick, you don't feel dressed without it. If a 12-year-old's mother breaks down and says a little lipstick is all right for certain occasions, she will shortly be under pressure to allow it perma- nently. Little-girlhood is a precious thing. I do not like to see 12-year-olds aping older girls. – Parade Magazine, 1956

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Honesty and Integrity

In a world full of old and new etiquette books, we highly recommend the late-Amy Vanderbilt’s books. They can hold many treasures, not the least of which is terrific etiquette advice!

The Proper Etiquette? 

Return the Money

DENVER (AP) - A garage sale buff who found $475 inside a copy of Amy Vanderbilt's book on “Everyday Etiquette” didn't need the late Ms. Vanderbilt to advise her on the proper thing to do. 

Robin A. located the book's former owner, Francis T., 14 years after Mrs. T. hid it there in an old Easter card, and returned the money.

Ms. A. was flipping through books at the garage sale sponsored by the Arthritis Foundation on Aug. 17 when she came upon the Vanderbilt guide to proper everyday behavior.

As she thumbed through the book the card fell out, with the cash stuffed inside. Ms. A. noted the name and address on the card, bought the book and contacted Mrs. T., who lives in northwest Denver.

Mrs. T. said she had hidden the money inside the card 14 years ago, put it in the book and forgot all about it. She gave Ms. A. a $75 reward. – The Desert Sun, 1985

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Dame Fashion’s Foray into Inuit Soil

While other stores across the globe were advertising their newest Easter fashions, Dame Fashion had just begun to jostle Juneau and the rest of the great Pacific Northwest with women’s fashions. And one can be certain, that where there reside fashion conscious women, men’s fashions will soon be on display for sale as well!

EASTER LINGERIE AND SILK PANTS SHOCK NORTH

JUNEAU, April 25. - Dame Fashion has jostled Juneau. The Old Sourdoughs are gasping for breath and fretting about their incomes. Easter Sunday proved an aurora boralitic Waterloo. It was a sartorial swat in the pосket-book and a sight for sore eyes. Old timers had thought Juneau was still a man's town, but now they know better. There was an Easter fashion parade along the Arctic circle which proved a greater lure to masculine eyes than the glint of gold and started a stampede for vantage points of inspection. 

The women of Juneau “put it over” on the men. They imported the latest things in Paris styles and wore them right out where they could be seen. The blankets and furs of Esquimo etiquette gave place to frocks clipped above the shoe tops. Glimpses of silk-clad ankles flashed where they had never been seen before. Frilled pantalettes swished where leather leggings had held sway. The swagger stick made its debut where the pick handle had been paramount. Juneau masculinity enjoyed it. 

The event had not been well advertised but the news spread like wild-fire. “Come on, fellers!” chortled the Sourdoughs. And they ran from miles around to see the pretty sights. The Juneau fashion parade on Easter was a pronounced success. It was the first, but it will not be the last: And now the married men of the “Great Raw North” are mourning the cost of the sights their unwed brothers enjoyed for nothing. For Arctic circle quotations on French frocks and filmy lingerie come high. – By Pacific News Service, 1916

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Easter Sunday

                                

The Disgruntled Heart and the Sour Countenance Have no Place at Easter

Etiquette for Easter Sunday? Ah, me, how many sermons might be written on the subject, for when is there a moment for more scrupulous behavior. The book of mere politeness may not say much about it – indeed, I am sorry to say, cut and dried politeness rarely touch upon the holier things. 

But upon the four walls of the church, which is so solemnly and jubilantly chanting its praise to God for everlasting life is written in letters of deathless fire, all the sublime meaning of Easter. To the heart and mind, too, that can see at all there is all the world rejoicing for the one thing that the tomb of Joseph or Arimathea has given up its dead. 

Etiquette for Easter Sunday

It begins with some faith in this great story; or else in a beautiful, even reverential respect for all those who have it. It continues with gratitude for the new life that is shown in field and tree, in a freshened heart for all earth; in a love that strives to forget self in all the little dealings, at home and abroad, with mere existence.

The disgruntled heart and sour countenance, then, have no place with Easter joy any more than has the willful conduct that mocks at a neighbor's piety. Granted we are sometimes denied faith, common sense, the more fire of spring, will tell us that we have much to rejoice for. The garment of the winter-locked earth has been made over - bud and leaf are near to tell us, too, that old fears may pass. And lovely music and resplendent flowers of churches are telling us more; the that there must be something in a story that loses no whit of its beauty after 2000 years, sublime.

So much for the conduct of the heart and mind on Easter Sunday. But if we cannot tune our spirits to the diviner appeal let us at least consider the common decencies, It is the height of bad taste to allow the tinkling of profane piano tunes - as all music not sacred is - in a church - going neighborhood on Easter Sunday. And the man or woman who goes to divine service only on this day and entirely for the purpose of hearing the fine music and seeing the flowers and fashions must be careful of his or her conduct in the house of prayer. 

It is customary for non-church members to wait at the back of the church upon entering until an usher comes forward to seat them; for if they assume the right to seat themselves they may be obnoxious to conservative pew holders. This resentment may seem incompatible with piety on the part of the church members, but those persons may have invited friends to their pews and the presence of strangers coming ahead of these would doubtless cause considerable embarrassment later on. – The Morning Union, 1914

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Etiquette for Reapplying Lipstick

 

If one’s lipstick is on the cup, it isn’t on the lips any longer. Reapplying a bit of lipstick at the table is fine with Etiquipedia, as long as one does it without show and it is a one step process only. Lip liner, a base coat or top coat are not allowable without excusing oneself to go to the powder room or elsewhere to apply. We are torn over the 1983 advice for powdering one’s nose. We feel that anything that requires the opening of a compact and mirror at the table, is best left for another setting.

To Makeup or Not

Is it proper to touch up your shiny nose and your lipstick at the table when you're dining out?

Most etiquette experts say a discreet dab of powder and lipstick is fine and might even be a trace alluring, but a major repair job belongs in the ladies' room.

A subtle touch up of powder to take away face shine and freshening of lipstick does not mean adding lipliner, lip gloss and eye makeup, though. Remember, makeup should remain a mystery to the observer. – Desert Sun, 1983

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Political Wives of 1972

“Never let your picture be taken while holding a cocktail glass or a cigaret.” – From the same era, a retro 1970’s GOP Cookbook with a female elephant  chef gracing the cover. 

GOP Lessons in Etiquette for 1972

“Discriminate women never smoke on the street or when dancing; they never let a cigaret dangle from the lips or exhale through the nose.”

Those words of advice appear in a 10-page booklet written for the wives of Republican candidates running for congress. 

The booklet’s cover is illustrated with a picture of a girlish elephant wearing lipstick and a pantsuit and its contents include rules for lady-like behavior on the campaign trail.

Some of the tips offered are:

• “Never let your picture be taken while holding a cocktail glass or a cigaret.”
• “Gum chewing: Never!”
• “When your husband is speaking, watch him proudly.”
• “Never appear bored, even if you have heard the same speech repeatedly.”
• “A steely handshake is unlady-like.”

And finally, 

• “When the meeting starts, always bow your head and close your eyes for the entire invocation.” — The California Aggie, 1972

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Original Etiquette Influencers

Back when etiquette authorities were featured  “influencers” in print advertising — Etiquette advice from author, Lillian Eichler, in Lifebuoy Soap newspaper advertising in 1938. 

Personal Daintiness As Important As Good Manners, Says Authority

Lillian Eichler, author of famous New Book of Etiquette, warns women against carelessness

Good manners and personal carelessness simply do not go together, according to Lillian Eichler — long recognized as one of America's leading etiquette authorities.

No matter how charming and gracious a woman may be, how well she knows and understands the rules of good conduct if she is careless about her person, if she fails to keep herself fresh, dainty and absolutely beyond the possibility of offending — she can not be looked upon as socially acceptable.

“I have known women who destroyed every chance for social success by failing to realize this important fact,” says Miss Eichler. “I knew one woman who was perfectly beautiful and a brilliant conversationalist, but she was never really popular until she realized — to her great humiliation — what was wrong.”

The sad part about body odor is that so few people realize when they offend. According to Miss Eichler, a great number of really cultured men and women are guilty of this social taint. And as she points out, it is doubly unforgivable inasmuch as it is very well known that daily baths with Lifebuoy effectively stop body odor. That more and more people are beginning to recognize body odor as a social blunder is indicated by the result of surveys made by eight leading magazines. 

Thousands of women were questioned as to their soap preferences. Results show that more American women use Lifebuoy for the bath than any other soap. And Lifebuoy is also the No. 1 bath soap of men and children. 

It is now pretty generally known that no ordinary soap can stop body odor the way Lifebuoy does, for Lifebuoy contains an exclusive purifying ingredient not found in any other popular bath or toilet soap. Lifebuoy is famous for the complexion, too. Scientific tests on the skins of hundreds of women have proved it to be more than 20% milder than many so-called “beauty soaps” and “baby soaps.” — From National City Star News, 1938

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Ice Cream Etiquette and History

Ice cream in the gilded age was a delicious treat which called for either ice cream forks, for ice creams served with fruits or nuts in them, or, ice cream spoons, for creamier versions of the iced treats, sans any fruit or nuts bits and pieces.
Ice cream served at the dining table should be eaten slowly and savored. Never should ice cream be gulped or eaten in a rushed manner, especially at a dinner party.vIf one, however, is enjoying ice cream out in the summer heat, etiquette dictates and good manners are obvious; The frozen treat should be eaten quickly, before it winds up all over one’s clothes, hands or face!
Above, four gilded age ice cream spoons from 1880 – The ornate spoons with gilt bowls were made in sterling silver by the Whiting Manufacturing Company.

Ice cream is widely regarded as America's favorite dessert, and adds a happy, festive note to any occasion. In fact, ice cream and entertaining have been closely tied for centuries.

Since the origin of ice cream in 62 A.D., when the great feasts of Roman Emperors included snow flavored with fruit juices and honey, ice cream has been a favorite dessert for parties and entertaining. Subsequent anecdotes have been recorded throughout history.

In 1533 Catherine de Medici ordered a different ice cream flavor for each of the 34 days of festivities for her marriage to King Henry II.

Under Louis XIV's chef, Vatel, who was known for his creation of exotic dishes, creamy frozen desserts served at banquets reached a pinnacle of perfection.

By the end of the 18th century, the bombe glacée (ice cream molded in spherical shapes) had become the indispensable dessert at formal French banquets.

In our country, both Mrs. Alexander Hamilton and Dolly Madison helped popularize ice cream in high political circles. Strawberry ice cream was the highlight of James Madison's second inaugural ball. – National City Star News, 1986

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and the Lady of Charm

She may be high in the sky, but not “high society.” The terms “high class” and “high society” are two terms that should be stricken from good social conversation, for they mean absolutely nothing of any value. Class divisions are frowned upon in most civilized societies and etiquette authorities like Judith Martin (aka Miss Manners), the late-Amy Vanderbilt, and the late-Letitia Baldrige, all recommended these terms not be used if one wishes to appear well-educated and correct in their conversational etiquette.
However, a new batch of online “influencers,” or people who believe they wield influence upon others, continue to use these incorrect terms, along with the more nuanced “elevated looks” or “elegance coaching” in an effort to pad their pockets and handbags. If you are a regular reader of Etiquipedia, please do your research and leave the lofty sounding, yet ridiculous and pretentious terminology to those who are influenced and sold more easily. There are plenty of those people around.

LADY OF CHARM

Jet Age Etiquette ... Isn't “High Society”

HOLLYWOOD– The jet age has brought many changes to our lives – one of the most interesting is the change in etiquette. And keeping up with jet age etiquette often separates the girls from the ladies!

From the questions my students ask, I feel certain many women still feel being a lady means you come from a wealthy family, have a good social position and generally are part of “high society.” Nothing could be less true.

Being a lady means you are always considerate of those around you and try to make them comfortable in any situation. These principles, of course, are the basis of good manners now in Southern California and around the world.

The first step in learning how to express your consideration and interest in others is to invest in a good up-to- the-minute etiquette book. There are many in any book store (we use Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette at my school).

DON'T TRY to read an etiquette book cover-to-cover in one sitting. Leaf through and become familiar with its contents and keep it to consult whenever you are in doubt about what's right.

Here are a few quick etiquette tips to keep in mind: When you receive an invitation always respond in like fashion. In other words, if you receive a formal, printed invitation to a wedding you should reply with a formal handwritten note. (Check your etiquette book for style.)

IF YOU ARE invited to dine with friends during telephone conversation reply with a phone call. Also, if an invitation, say to a shower, gives only a phone number for reply then the right thing to do is call. If an address is given then write whether you'll attend or not.

It is still in the best of taste for a gentleman to open all doors including car doors, hold lady's chair, help her off with her wrap, and give her order to a waiter.

I CAN JUST hear you say, “tell that to the men.” I have. They say the modern woman doesn't give them a chance to be gallant. She hops out of a car before he has time to walk around, she rushes through doors, etc…

I think men have a good point. If you feel foolish waiting for your escort to walk around the car look through your purse or powder your nose. Remember, you must encourage men to be gentlemen. And please show some appreciation for their efforts. Always thank a man for his courtesies. If you act like a lady you'll be treated as one.

Good manners speak loud and clear. They tell of your rearing and of your interest in making this world a more gracious place to live. Make sure your manners tell the right things about you. – By Caroline Leonetti, 1963

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Training Ladies’ Maids

One of the "Lady Blackwood Union," Pledged to Train Six Poor Girls Each Season to Be Lady's Maids.

TO GILD THE LILY

Girls Pledge Themselves to Train Ladies' Maids

MAIDS PRETTY AND WORTHY

Adopt the Randolph-Churchill Dress and the Princess Bismarck Cap and Apron

The useful age bids fair to follow the athletic age in the history of the gilded darlings of society, if indeed, it does not travel along with it, as many of the ages traveled together in the long ago. Ever since the very practical Duchess of York began combining the useful with the ornamental, and ever since the leaders found time to mingle King’s Daughters’ work in with their own social life, the girl of the period has been trying to see how very useful she could be to the world without depriving herself of any of her own enjoyment. “Handsome is as handsome does,” might be upon the brooch of every belle, for “handsome does” is her description.

The latest and most useful move upon the part of such belles is the teaching of ladies’ maids. This includes their instruction in all branches of the toilet and their teaching upon matters of dress. The young ladies who are willing to take such a duty upon themselves have banded together under the name of “The Lady Blackwood Union,” and the ledger shows eighteen names of very well known young people as beginners and pioneers of the movement. Lady Blackwood in Paris has trained several and is willing to teach several more. She was, in fact, the originator of the movement.

The plan of the union is an individual one. Each young women pledges herself to teach a girl a month until she has instructed half a dozen during the year. The girl during the month lives with her philanthropic mistress, acting as regular lady’s maid and receiving instruction in the same until perfect. A month is simple for a quick girl, and those who cannot learn all the duties of maid in that time are dismissed entirely or given a lower degree as assistant maid or lady’s assistant.

The “graduates,” or those who at the end of a month are perfect, are given “diplomas.” And with these in hand they find no trouble getting positions in the very wealthiest families. The institution is somewhat like the system of trained nurses in the English titled families, where a trained nurse serves six months or a year on trial, hoping for as many cases of sickness in the family as possible. At the end of her year, she has a letter of recommendation from the family and leaves the house upon a triumphant career of trained nurse at high pay. The young lady who takes the lady’s maid to train lodges her in a small white room which she is taught to keep immaculate. It must be like a seashell and fit for the mistress herself.

Her first training is upon the fashions, which a lady’s maid must know to the letter. All the fashion magazines are supplied her, and she is supposed to adapt her knowledge to her mistress' wardrobe. “You will take my tight-fitting silk waist, a season behind the style, and arrange it for an at-home dinner to-night,” directs the young woman. Then she, herself, takes the squares of white pearl trimming from the bureau drawer, or buys them from the shop, and arranges them in an arabesque upon the front of the waist. When done there is a diamond-shape trimming from neck to hem of basque.

The neck may be high, or the simple round neck of last season. This she takes and squares a little, raising it to the decorous point of the winter. A trimming of pearls is basted around the neck and small fancy beads set in to make the brilliant iridescency so much fancied now. The sleeves of the dress are probably flowing or supplied with deep ruffles from the elbow. These are cut off and a simple but large puff of chiffon set in. For a deft-fingered girl, with a puff sleeve pattern on hand, this whole work is only the business of an hour. It is the transforming of an old bodice into a handsome waist to wear just once, and is the principal work of a lady’s maid.

The matter of stringing ribbons through the underclothes is quickly learned. But the mode here must be followed. All underwear is white as snow now. Silk nighties, silk underwear for night, silk draperies and the numberless little silk things which women have been stringing upon their necks and heads at night are all banished. In their place there is a linen gown, fine, sheer and rich with embroidery or real lace, and an undervest of the same. Sheets are white, not black or blue, and though the over coverlid may be colored if you so desire, it is more fanciful to have all white now. The lady’s maid soon gets the etiquette of these things and learns to buy them for her mistress.

Pretty at home dresses are being planned by the quantity. One or two street dresses and a few dinner gowns are enough if one has plenty of pretty things for the house evenings and for the at home dinners. The lady’s maid soon learns about the skirt of a dress. She at a glance learns to tell if the waist is past redemption and how to make the skirt pretty. Without altering the hang of a skirt, she will trim it and make it a new one. With small bits of colored silk or floss or cord she will twist and turn the material until it makes a neat little figure. 

All day she will work until she has a lapful of these trimmings. An hour’s time sews them, and there is a new and pretty skirt for her mistress to wear at dinner. One of these trimmed gowns was a simple pink challis left from the summer, and in an hour or so it was transformed into a very Oriental looking dress, stiff by numberless little figures of fine floss twisted deftly and sewed upon the skirt with gold thread. It made as pretty a house skirt as could be wanted, especially when a facing of pink satin had been placed a foot deep inside the hem to give the silken rustle of a house dress.

Training a lady’s maid is not easy. Many a young woman knows a satisfactory maid when she gets one, but could not for the life of her instruct such a girl. She must be able to teach nearly all the feminine arts, including manicuring. The manicure powders are also taught. An expert lady’s maid makes her own pomades and her own polisher. She buys such only when wanting to accompany her mistress upon a journey, when the tightly sealed bottles are what are wanted.

The arranging of bows, the dressing of the hair, the scientific mending of gloves are all among the necessities of a maid before she gets her diploma. One of the young women who is teaching such a maid has actually instructed her personally in the art of glove-mending, as done at the best stores or where gloves are made.

This talented girl is teaching her maid to combine two pairs of gloves. She buys a very cheap pair of exactly the same shade as the expensive ones she is to mend, and cuts out the pieces of the cheap ones for the good ones. This young woman had a pair of elbow gloves for which she paid something like $10. The fingers were soiled and could not be cleaned, being worn thin in an evening. By buying a dollar pair of the same color the maid replaced the fingers neatly and the gloves are as good as new.

The daughters of the conspicuously wealthy and charitable houses are members of this society. Miss Virginia Fair, who does many a charitable thing, gives it her encouragement, and half promises to become an active member. Even if not willing personally to train six maids a year, any young woman can pay for placing a maid in a place where she can learn, with a dressmaker or with some one skilled in the feminine arts. And, by the way, there are women who make a business of teaching these maids.

The fashionable cap for a lady’s maid is a white one, with a small round crown and ruffle around it. The fashionable dress is the one introduced into England several years ago by Lady Randolph Churchill, a deep black without trimming, and filled down the front with a white Swiss ‘kerchief placed low from the throat. This has held without variation for fifteen years, the only concession to the changing styles being in the puffs of the sleeves, which are almost as large as those upon the fashionable gowns. The cap is called the Princess Bismarck because it was adopted by the Bismarck family in Friedrichsruh.

Several ladies out of charity and pity, always train their own maids. Mrs. Jack Gardner, of Boston, has long made a practice of doing it, though her reason is an eccentric one “Because if they are trained before, I have to untrain them.” The maids that will be turned out of the Lady Blackwood Union will be in great demand for several reasons. They are posted on all the little wrinkles of belle-dom, and they are well taught and respectful. They carry with them a great deal of prestige from being the objects of such wealthy and delightful charity. – Helen Ward, 1895

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Slouching Young Women Critiqued

To rest a cheek in the palm of a hand supported by a dining table is not only one of the etiquette laxities peculiar to the present decade, but it is a long stride toward habitual lounging.

PRACTICAL TALKS BY THE APRIL GRANDMOTHER

“YOUR American young girls either pose or lounge whenever conscious that the gaze of the public is upon them.” That was Lady Critique-cliffe's comment as she directed her lorgnette across the diamond horseshoe the evening she sat in my opera box, and I bad to admit the justice of her criticism. “Self-conscious débutantes,” continued the April Grandmother, “are apt to sit up like little ramrods throughout an entire act or -and it is infinitely more undignified to half recline in a chair, leaning sidewise against an arm or resting one hand on the box rail. The girls who lounge in this manner are the most hopeless, as, unlike those of the ramrod type, they do not realize that neither at school nor at home have they been taught to sit correctly.”

While at school the average girl is permitted to sit on the edge of her chair and almost bend double as she curves her back above her desk when writing. Usually she rests her unoccupied hand on the paper, thus raising the left shoulder into an unnatural position and further rounding the back. Whereas, when not actually in use, the left hand should lie in the lap, and the practice of so placing it - palm upward - will help to keep the back straight. Meanwhile the head should be bent directly forward, instead of being slightly inclined to left or to right, and the chin held well away from the throat.

The kittenish pose of curling up on a sofa which so many young girls adopt when reading will do an immense amount of injury to the back as well as to the eyes. If a girl is really fatigued she should lie at full length, with lids closed, until thoroughly rested; but if she is inclined to stoutness she should be particularly wary about lounging, and as one means of remaining slender is to keep the spinal column erect, it is obvious that the back should be held straightly whenever its owner is in a sitting posture. 

An excellent way in which to acquire this vertical line is to practice balancing a small book on the crown of the head. This will force one to hold the head erectly and the spine will involuntarily imitate the good example. Another method of learning to sit correctly is to hold the stomach in and carry the head thrown backward, while an attitude that may conveniently be exercised three times daily is that of keeping the elbows as far as possible from the top of the table while at meals. To rest a cheek in the palm of a hand supported by a dining table is not only one of the etiquette laxities peculiar to the present decade, but it is a long stride toward habitual lounging.

To sit correctly the soles of both feet should rest firmly upon the floor, the elbows should nearly touch the hips and the hands should lie on the lap. The shoulders will then assume their natural slope, and if the base of the spine nearly couches the rear of the chair seat it will be easy to lean backward in a restful and graceful posture. But the moment a girl sways against one side of her chair, grasps its arms with her hands, throws one arm across its back or props her chin on her knee-braced elbow she is in a fair way to contract the lounging habit which my English guest criticized.

The remark of an old fashioned beau of antebellum days anent the inherent vulgarity of the feminine person who crosses her knees is quite as worthy of consideration to-day as when it was first uttered. Yet the number of refined young girls who habitually sit with crossed knees and with well developed feet plainly in evidence is astounding, particularly to those gentlewomen of an elder day who, living in fear of exhibiting even their insteps, invariably sit with knees meeting and toe tips drawn beneath the skirt.– The Los Angeles Herald, 1908

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Walking Together

1930’s Advice above from Lillian Eichler 

Etiquette Tips for Walking with a Lady

No habit is in worse taste than that of too many well-meaning men of grasping a lady companion by the elbow, while walking with her, to guide her awkwardly over every crossing and puddle. 

If it becomes necessary for a lady to take the arm of her escort she should place her hand, usually the left one, just in the angle of his elbow. – San Francisco Call, 1904

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Workplace Romance

Your career goals and professional reputation should be primary considerations.  Evaluate whether the potential relationship aligns with your long-term career objectives and how it might affect your professional standing.

Image Source: karandaev; "Gift box and chocolate heart sweets over laptop on office desk table.", 2024. Accessed via https://www.123RF.com/photo_179631393, Standard License.

Etiquette guidelines for respect and courtesy are most needed in gray areas like navigating workplace romance.  The workplace, or any place where professionalism is always expected, is rich with gray areas.  The instinct to make friends is common to all, as is the instinct to flirt and find romance.

Flirtatious behavior will always exist in a work environment.  Some of this behavior may evolve from lighthearted fun to romantic relationships.  While finding love at work can lead to something lasting – after all, many married couples meet at work – it also presents unique challenges that require careful navigation. 

Understanding Company Policies on Workplace Relationships

Most organizations have specific policies governing romantic relationships between employees.  These policies typically fall into three categories:

• Disclosure requirements mandate that employees inform HR or management about romantic relationships, particularly between supervisors and subordinates.  This transparency helps companies manage potential conflicts of interest and protect against liability issues.

• Some companies implement "love contracts," formal documents both parties sign acknowledging their relationship is consensual and agreeing to maintain professional behavior at work.  These contracts help protect the organization from potential sexual harassment claims if the relationship ends poorly.

• Certain organizations prohibit relationships between employees in direct reporting lines or implement "no-fraternization" policies for specific departments or roles. Understanding and following these policies is crucial for protecting your career.

Assessing the Professional Risks

Each work environment is different and has written as well as unwritten rules about acceptable social behavior.  Sexual harassment rules are generally well-established and should not be taken lightly! Keep conversations, humor, and physical contact with those you work at a professional level.  If the time comes that you want to move beyond lighthearted flirting, be sure your coworker is amenable to this.  Pay close attention for any signs that your advances are unwelcome.

People who are married or in long-term relationships also enjoy uplifting banter and spirited admiration.  But it's important to remember that close, friendly behavior can be confused with inappropriate sexual flirting. 

Dating a coworker carries potential professional risks that warrant careful consideration:

• Career impact becomes a significant concern, especially if the relationship involves different hierarchical levels. Perceptions of favoritism can damage professional credibility, even when no preferential treatment exists. Additionally, career advancement opportunities might be limited to avoid conflicts of interest.

• Team dynamics can shift as colleagues struggle to maintain professional boundaries with dating coworkers.  Questions arise about information sharing, meeting dynamics, and social interactions. Some team members may feel uncomfortable or excluded when romantic partners form a perceived alliance within the group.

• Office gossip frequently surrounds workplace relationships, potentially undermining professional reputations and creating distractions.  Even when couples maintain appropriate boundaries, their relationship often becomes a topic of workplace discussion.

• The possibility of the romance ending presents another major risk. Working alongside an ex-partner can create tension, affect productivity, and potentially lead to hostile work environments.  In some cases, one partner may seek new employment to avoid ongoing awkwardness.

Best Practices for Navigating Workplace Romance

Successfully navigating workplace romance requires intentional effort and clear boundaries.   Maintain strict professionalism during work hours.  This includes avoiding public displays of affection, using professional communication channels appropriately, and ensuring work decisions remain unbiased by personal relationships.

Establish clear boundaries between your professional and personal life. You and your partner may consider keeping different schedules or taking separate lunch breaks to maintain individual workplace identities. Avoid discussing relationship issues at work or sharing intimate details with colleagues.

Making Informed Decisions About Workplace Romance

Before pursuing a workplace relationship, consider these key factors:

• Your career goals and professional reputation should be primary considerations.  Evaluate whether the potential relationship aligns with your long-term career objectives and how it might affect your professional standing.

• If the relationship poses significant career risks, it may be time to spruce up your resume.  Some professionals choose to seek new employment before pursuing romantic relationships with colleagues.

In the workplace, people share common interests as well as spend much of their time in close vicinity.   It’s a natural place for love to happen.  Even if you develop rules and guidelines about office relationships, you never know when you’ll “fall interesting into each other,” as one person recently described how she fell in love with her now husband.

While navigating workplace romance often requires you to err on the side of caution due to the many pitfalls and policies, there are times when the pathway through this minefield is clear cut and completely worth the journey.

Contributor, Candace Smith is retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia