Sunday, October 6, 2024

Etiquette and Inappropriate Attire

By 1985, denim had gone mainstream. Designer denim jeans had been the focus throughout the late 1970’s and 1980’s. – Above, a 1985 Gap store advertisement for denim jackets as well as blue jeans~Image source, Pinterest.

Blue jean set will fight to the death over being 'appropriate'

THE two words most likely to start a fight in this society are “appropriate attire.” Never mind issues of morality or politics or religion. "You are what you deck yourself out to be" seems to be our most deeply held belief.

The emotional history of this century can be told in battles over such things as miniskirts and short pants, girls bobbing their hair and boys refusing to cut theirs, and the absence of shoes or the presence of earrings. What keeps the war going is fashion, which alters not only the conventional standard, but also the rebel uniform, thus preserving the illusion that the conflict is ever a fresh one.

Miss Manners has never actually heard anyone come out for the right to wear inappropriate attire. But a great many people (wearing blue jeans and T-shirts) are prepared to fight to the death against the stultifying idea of appropriate attire.

Most restaurants, churches, theaters, schools, offices and individuals giving parties have therefore abandoned the effort of requesting appropriate attire. When some institution does make a feeble attempt to mandate clothing more formal than that worn for the messier active sports, there are cries of violation of individual rights such as used to be reserved for political revolutions.

The United States Treasury Department recently suggested that its male employees have jackets within reach in which to meet the general public, and that its female employees wear dresses, skirts and blouses or sweaters, suits or pantsuits. The two traditional objections were immediately voiced:

That employees ought to be treated as adults. That people should be permitted to express their individuality through their choice of dress.

What Miss Manners hears un-spoken beneath this is the argument that there ought not to be any symbolism connected with dress. If по such interpretations can be made about the choice of clothing, then it stands to reason that each person may be safely left to make his or her choices dictated by individual taste or comfort.

Well and good but she has noticed that the very people who battle clothing standards accept the notion that clothing is symbolic. If anything, it is more of a "statement," not less, to wear sweat pants to the office or to somebody's formal wedding, than it is to dress as expected.

Like it or not, we all interpret clothing choices in terms of age and of willingness to conform to group practices. Dressing up for church indicates respect; for a party, it shows stylistic cooperation with the hosts' plans; for a restaurant or theater, a sense of making a special occasion. Conformity not only in
clothing but in the brand of clothing indicates peer acceptance to school children, who, of course, are outraged at the very idea of school uniforms.

What should work clothing symbolize? That the work is in the hands of responsible adults.

By wearing outfits associated with adolescents or with leisure activities, grown-ups signify that they are not seriously committed to their jobs. And by stressing what they call individuality, they are distancing themselves from representing the organizations that employ them.

In her social life, Miss Manners is not sure she wants to cultivate people who symbolically sneer at their hosts or deliberately down-grade festive events. But she is positive that she does not want to do business with people who signal that they represent only themselves (and could not, therefore, care less whether the company they work for satisfies the customers) and unwillingly at that (because they'd rather be off playing with the rest of the kids). – By Miss Manner, United Feature Syndicate, 1985


🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Saturday, October 5, 2024

How Children Learn Ease of Manner

Good manners aren’t only for when “company” comes to visit. ~The mother was stressing the old idea of “company manners,” and expecting the children to put on culture just as they put on clothes for the dinner party. And because they didn't she was deeply grieved and disappointed.
A mother remarked the other day in the course of a conversation on child discipline, “I don't see why it is that my children always act worse when we have guests than at any other time. I'm sure it isn't because they haven't been instructed how to behave.”

Now this mother was perfectly sincere in her remark, yet her own phrasing contains the secret of her distress over her children's behavior. Would a child learn to play the piano by being instructed if he didn't practice playing every day? Yet that mother was expecting just as improbable a performance in behavior. She was stressing the old idea of “company manners,” and expecting the children to put on culture just as they put on clothes for the dinner party. And because they didn't she was deeply grieved and disappointed.

The reason why children of this type act worse when there are guests than they do ordinarily is because of strain and nervous tension. In the mother's anxiety to have affairs move smoothly she has held out threats as to what will happen if all the last minute “Don'ts” aren't observed, and the result has been to create an unnatural condition that is confusing and disastrous to poise and courtesy.

But aside from the mother's embarrassment over slips of etiquette and behavior, this idea of “putting on manners” is very unwise training for children. They gradually learn to act on artificial motives and lose sight of the genuine and vital character traits that are worth while and lasting.

Just the idea of alluding to the various articles of table appointment as “company silver” and “guest linen,” and so on, through all the china and glassware, suggests to the child a feeling of stiffness, and an atmosphere formal and conventional, though he does not analyze it in just those terms.

Why not use the good dishes and linen and silverware occasionally for just the home folks? Then daughter Lois will not cause a panic when there are guests by piping up, “Oh, goody, we have the fruit in the best hand-painted bowl.” If the little ones become accustomed every day to what is good enough for guests, a great deal of strain for both parents and children is bound to be eliminated.

Right in line with this follows the fact that the place to start preparing the child in “company manners” is the first day he sits in his high chair to eat a meal. There is no need for a tot even this age to throw his spoon and cracker on the floor continually, or to upset his broth or porridge. He may as well learn right then not to stand up in his chair, not to put his face down in his plate, and not to scream for what he can’t have. This much at least can then be omitted from the “instructions” when the Browns come over to dine a few years later.

When mother is alone and playing with the babies she can teach them much by pretending visitors. They may come in and call on her and advance and take her hand. It will become natural in a very short time. A mother who includes good manners and polite behavior in the everyday home life will never have reason to force courtesy upon her children.– 
By Edith Lochridge Reid, 1923



🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Friday, October 4, 2024

Baffling 19th C. Royal Spanish Etiquette

    The first wife of King Alfonso XII, Mercedes, was born in Madrid, the daughter of Duke of Montpensier, Antoine of Orléans, and Infanta Luisa Fernanda of Spain. She died 5 months and 3 days after her wedding, due to typhoid fever. – Public domain image of Mercedes, Princess of Orléans,


The Queen and the Doctors

By the unwritten yet immutable laws of the Spanish court no one but a Spanish physician can attend the Queen of Spain. When the illness of Queen Mercedes became desperate her doctors called in their German colleague in consultation, but told him that he mast prescribe for 
Doña Mercedes without seeing her on their report of the symptoms and condition only. 
Dr. Kisbert declared that it was essential for him to examine the patient before he could indicate what remedies would be efficacious. 

This, however, could on no account be permitted. Ho then suggested that he might be allowed to see her through some open door or window without approaching her or even entering the sickroom. That concession, too, was refused. “Then, gentlemen, I can do nothing,” was the reply. ‘‘I am willing to prescribe, but I con hardly do so with good effect without personally inspecting the patient.” He wrote a prescription and then left the palace. Three days later the fair young Queen was dead, but the laws of Spanish court etiquette remained intact. – The Weekly Calistogan, 1883



🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Thursday, October 3, 2024

The Etiquette and History of Vodka

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We were once asked in a good European restaurant, “How should we properly serve vodka?” after realizing that they had Russian guests in front of them. Being Russian, I never argue with the stereotype that all Russians, without exception, adore vodka. “Oh, how great of you to ask!”, I responded, because serving vodka “Russian style” is a very difficult matter. 

The history of vodka on the Russian table is complex and confusing and causes a lot of controversy among researchers. The purpose of this article is not to cover this point in detail, but I would still like to mention a couple of nuances, this is important for reading and understanding classical literature, including Russian literature. It is believed that the concept of "Russian vodka" can be discussed starting from the 16th century.

For example, the famous researcher of the history of Russian cuisine, Pokhlebkin, cites quite a few foreign authors in his book mentioning this term. But, as other researchers note, the respected author does this based on Russian translations of the 19th century. In the originals, vodka is often not mentioned. Here, for example, is "Notes on Muscovy" by Sigismund Herberstein: “On fish days, they brought me butchered fish and many large sturgeons smoked in the air without salt; also a decanter of vodka, which they always drink at the table before dinner.” In the original it was not vodka, but pranndt wein – “house wine.” 

Or another quote: “Finally the stewards came out for food and brought vodka, which they always drink at the beginning of dinner...” Here in the original, instead of vodka, aqua vitae is mentioned, that is, not necessarily vodka, but a strong alcoholic beverage. That is, the term “vodka” has been encountered since the 16th century, but it means something slightly different than what “vodka” refers to today. 
This image is a painting titled Русский завтрак, this translates to “Russian breakfast”

Boris Rodionov, a researcher of the history of Russian vodka, interprets the historical evolution of the term “vodka” as follows: 
  • Sixteenth century - medicinal tinctures on hot (bread) wine. 
  • Seventeenth to Nineteenth centuries - bread wine, infused with spices, or simply additionally distilled in special vodka stills (plain vodka). 
  • Since the 1860s - a general term for all strong alcoholic beverages. 
  • Since 1936 - a mixture rectified alcohol with water.

However, such an important drink for Russians as vodka, of course, has a birthday - January 31. It was on this day in 1865 that Dmitry Mendeleyev defended his famous dissertation “On the combination of alcohol with water.” To be fair, it was not really about vodka, but somehow it became customary to believe that it was Mendeleyev and on this day who created the ideal vodka. In principle, this is good - one more holiday! 

In fact, it is obvious that this was invented a long time ago and was actively improved by the method of numerous and centuries-long tastings, much, much earlier. The strength of 40 degrees familiar today was approved only in 1886 in the “Charter on drinking fees,” before that it “spun” around 38 degrees and even lower. By the way, the names were different, including in the state acts of that time and in the trade records in the Russian Empire vodka was called “simple alcoholic table wine.” Thus, it is important to understand that when we encounter the concepts of “vodka” and “wine” in classical literature, especially regarding Russia, it may not mean what we think now. Vodka was once called “wine” and vice versa.

Serving vodka and the place of the glass in the table setting from the point of view of etiquette, however, is not an easy task. In most countries, vodka is a component of cocktails, so the most “pure” that can be achieved, if we are talking about most countries where vodka is not a national drink, is for it to be served in a decanter, and a huge amount of ice will certainly be brought. 

In fact, it will still turn out to be a cocktail - vodka with ice, which is exactly what the beautiful actress Charlize Theron likes, as I have read. Naturally, they do not drink it in one gulp, it is a long drink. In general, not the Russian option. According to the Russian rule, vodka is usually drunk in one gulp, “in one gulp” without any ice, it must be cold. So the difficulty of serving it is, first of all, that it must be very, very cold. As I understand it, placing it in ice, like is done say with champagne, is not enough.

In the understanding of many in Russia today, vodka is, let's say, an inexpensive and not very sophisticated drink. For example, for Americans, vodka is something bohemian, cheerful. And quite sophisticated, by the way. No wonder Woody Allen advertised it. On the sad side, Amy Whitehouse did not drink whiskey or gin on her last day. To this day, as I read, vodka is brought to her grave.

Let me remind you separately that it is better to pour it into a decanter or a shtof. A separate feature of the Russian feast is that, as a rule, there is no direct connection between the dishes and drinks served. This is treated much more simply. In addition, as a rule, a Russian chooses one drink for the whole evening, it can be either white or red wine, or vodka. If we joke, we can say that in Russia, any food cannot spoil vodka. Therefore, in this case, for someone this may be the only glass needed for the whole feast.
stopka shown next to a rumka. Rumkas on a table is more formal than the shot-glass-like stopka.

Vodka is poured either into “rumka” or “stopka”. The first one is on a stem, a stopka is a small or not very small glass. It is believed that the name “stopka” (“sto” means 100) originally came from the word "hundred". Perhaps, at that time, a container for drinking vodka contained such a volume of liquid. Now, as a rule, 30-60 ml, in bars it is also called a shot. The first option, that is, “a rumka glass on the table” is definitely considered more formal. Stopkas can be small, medium and large and then it is 25, 50, 100 ml.

It is interesting that earlier, before the revolution, it was believed that women, at least from the public, did not drink vodka and vodka glasses were not served for them. Ladies were served tiny liqueur glasses with a capacity of 25-30 ml at the final stage of dinners and receptions - for dessert, this was considered acceptable. However, in the 20th century, before restrictions on alcohol advertising, it was often beautiful women who were chosen to promote and popularize the drink. In general, the topic of "women and vodka" in Russia is very often, in my opinion, associated with age and generation. Older ladies drink vodka more often than younger ones, who now prefer lighter drinks, such as wine.

That is why it can be difficult to determine the place of “rumka” or “stopka” in table setting, because the rule that glasses are placed and removed as they are used has not been cancelled. And as I said, it can be difficult to determine this happy moment in a Russian feast, because people drink the same drinks, including vodka, throughout the entire dinner. It turns out that if you cannot agree with yourself that today vodka is an aperitif, “with a snack.” “with a hot dish,” digestif, “with everything,” “instead of everything” - it is very difficult to derive a single rule for serving. Therefore, when serving, a glass is often not placed at all, but brought “on demand.” At the same time, I will separately note that asking for something that the hosts do not offer is not socially acceptable as being polite.

But still, if the glasses are placed in a row or in a triangle when serving, then the vodka glass will be placed on the right next to the knives of the first and closest to the guest, because the feast begins with appetizers or zakuski. In Russia, the concepts of “vodka and zakuski” are practically intertwined and it is customary to classify vodka as an appetizer, although, as I said, it can be served with soup and further down the menu. 

It turns out that at official events at the state level, vodka is often not offered at all, despite the fact that this drink is, indeed, a national one. Vodka is not very suitable for modern European cuisine. And traditional Russian cuisine is not particularly promoted at receptions, or it is done selectively. I will separately note that in Russia it is quite acceptable, even at the highest level, to finish a toast with vodka.

Meanwhile, vodka served as a royal and diplomatic gift in its time. Thus, Catherine II gave vodka to Frederick the Great, the Swedish King Gustav III and even ... Voltaire and Carl Linnaeus. Later, the great botanist wrote a study: “Vodka in the hands of a philosopher, a doctor and a commoner.” I would also like to add a few words about the wonderful Russian expression - “drink vodka by the bucketful.” This is said about people who drink a lot. 

Interestingly, this was said not about alcoholics at all, but about absolutely everyone. There was simply no other option until 1885; vodka was sold only in 12.3-liter buckets. And since bottles appeared in 0.6-liter volumes, another interesting rule follows from this. The classic “correct” box of vodka holds 20 bottles. Absolutely right, precisely because in total this will make up... a bucket.

Our newest contributor, Kseniia Markova, is a specialist in European social etiquette.  Project creator and author for ETIQUETTE748, Kseniia won a national award in the field of protocol, image and etiquette, “For contributions to the development and popularization of the profession” for quality content that supports the ETIQUETTE748 project - 2018; National Award in the field of protocol and etiquette, winner in the category “Best educational project in the field of etiquette” -2022. She is a holder of diplomas and certificates from leading schools and teachers in Europe. (including: Institut Villa Pierrefeu, Debrett’s Academy, The Minding Manners etc... She is the author of several books, including, “European Etiquette: Conversations about good manners and subtleties of behavior in society,” and “Etiquette. Traditions and history of romantic relationships,” and “Dress code: Etiquette and classics as ways of self-expression.” In 2022, this book won an award as the best in the field of etiquette. She is a member of the National Association of Protocol Specialists (NASP)


🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Wednesday, October 2, 2024

Etiquette and Customs of Réunion

Réunion, a small island in the Indian Ocean, was once called Bourbon Island. Portuguese sailors first discovered it in the early 16th century, but the French established a lasting presence in the 17th century.  Réunion, Madagascar, Mauritius, Mayotte, and the Comoros, all within just 1-2 hours of each other. Together, they are known as Les Îles Vanille, or the Vanilla Islands.

 

While flying over the stunning hues of blue and green to Réunion, I discovered something remarkable: a collection of islands, including Réunion, Madagascar, Mauritius, Mayotte, and the Comoros, all within just 1-2 hours of each other. Together, they are known as Les Îles Vanille, or the Vanilla Islands. After island hopping, I felt truly enveloped in the luxurious scents of fragrant spices like vanilla bean, ylang-ylang, cinnamon bark, frangipani, nutmeg, and cloves.

Réunion, a small island in the Indian Ocean, was once called Bourbon Island. Portuguese sailors first discovered it in the early 16th century, but the French established a lasting presence in the 17th century. The island’s fertile volcanic soil and favourable climate made it an ideal location for sugarcane plantations. Réunion's diverse population is the result of centuries of immigration. In addition to enslaved Africans, people from Madagascar, India, and China arrived to work on the plantations.

This colonial history has shaped Réunion's unique identity and traditions. In 1974, it became a French department, granting its residents the same rights and privileges as those in mainland France. Today, the island has become a home for those seeking a literal "sea-change," as well as a hub for the airline industry and a base for training French armed forces. So, what did I learn about the etiquette of the people in Réunion? I found that long-standing citizens tend to follow mainland French customs socially, professionally, and when dining.

Meanwhile, newer citizens—those from Mayotte, Comoros, or Madagascar—often use a mix of their native customs and French etiquette when interacting with the broader population. Greetings are a cornerstone of French culture, reflecting the country's emphasis on politeness and respect. Here's a guide to navigating the intricacies of French greetings:

HANDSHAKES
  • Business and acquaintances: A firm handshake is the standard greeting in professional and social settings. Shake hands with everyone present upon arrival and departure.
  • Amongst the community: Locals men may shake hands and/or put their hand over their heart. The young will slap each other’s hand and woman will grasp and hold
LA BISE
  • Friends and relatives: The "la bise" (kiss on both cheeks) is the most common greeting among friends and family.
  • Protocol: Place your cheek against the other person's, the kiss without the lips touching the skin, and repeat on the opposite side. A brief embrace often accompanies the la bise.
  • Regional variations: The number of kisses can vary by region. Please note that it may vary from region to region within mainland France, and island to island of Frances departments. For example, in the south of France, you will turn your left cheek, whereas in the middle and north of France, you turn your right cheek first. The number of kisses also varies from region to region, island to island there will be a mixed reaction to ‘la bise’, follow the lead of your French counterpart. Remove sunglasses or hats before performing the la bise.
SAYING HELLO
  • Geographical differences: Reunion lives a mixture of cultures from Indian, Chinese to those from the Les Îles Vanille will use the ‘metropole’ or mainland language of French. However, greetings will change when they communicate to their own community.
• French - Bonjour
• Arabic - Salam
• Shimaoré - Jéjé
• Malagasy – Salama

RESPECTFUL ADDRESS
  • Formal greetings: Address individuals with their last name and appropriate title (Madam, Monsieur, or academic title).
  • First-name basis: Wait to be invited by your French counterpart to use first names.
  • Respect for elders: Maintain formal address when speaking to older individuals. 
  • Note: While the distinction between "Madame" (married woman) and "Mademoiselle" (unmarried woman) is less common today, it's still polite to use "Madame" as a general term of respect for all women.
As a French overseas department, Réunion enjoys political stability and modern infrastructure, making it an attractive destination for both tourism and business. Its strategic location in the Indian Ocean has also made it a key hub for regional travel and a base for French military operations. Today, Réunion continues to thrive as a vibrant and multicultural island, balancing tradition with modernity. – By Elizabeth Soos, Founder of Auersmont School of Etiquette & Protocol


For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years' experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer's course offered by Emma Dupont's School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded  Auersmont School of Etiquette . Elizabeth is currently traveling throughout India and brushing up on her Hindi.


 🍽 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Tuesday, October 1, 2024

Spotlight on Carla M. West


Meet Etiquette Coach and Etiquipedia Contributor, Carla M. West, founder of the Graceful Manners Academy in Southern California. We are pleased to have the Spotlight on Carla in October!

So far, etiquette enthusiast Carla M. West's articles have been a way of paying loving tribute to her wonderful son. Full of joy and curiosity, he was a young man who loved his husky dog, "Cookie," and who just also happened to have Down Syndrome. Etiquette and Dance Instructor, West, wanted people to know that her son was just like any other kid who loved to laugh, play and explore the world around him. Like any other kid, his feelings could get hurt as well. Brandon and his mom want every kid to know that kids with Down Syndrome are just like you - they just want to be loved! But as an etiquette professional, she will be contributing more articles in the future regarding etiquette for everyone.


Carla loves working with kids of all ages. She is photographed here discussing “etiquette for sunglasses.” Her upcoming article on etiquette for such fashionable, yet helpful and necessary accessories, should be excellent.

Below are links to just a few of Carla M. Wests’ articles on etiquette which you’ll find on Etiquipedia:
The following is a Q. & A. with Carla:


What was the impetus for starting your Etiquette business?
Growing up, I enjoyed helping and giving dinner, gatherings for family and friends under the watchful eye of my mother. I developed the passion of correct tableware placement, table conversation and good manners. That passion was indeed the impetus for starting my etiquette business.

What do you enjoy most about teaching etiquette?
I would say the service of afternoon tea is truly a favorite for me! It’s a time for relaxation with a favorite tea, sweet bread a good book… It’s so comforting!

One of Carla’s favorite times of day is afternoon, when she relax with a cup of tea and something to nibble on.

What do you find rewarding about teaching etiquette?
Oh, it is transformation of a student that I find rewarding! A student who is shy, awkward student to become self-confident with social skills. It is so worth it teaching etiquette!


What type of classes do you offer?
  • Basic etiquette 
  • Prince/ Princess Class
  • Self development class
  • Afternoon tea with Tea history
  • Etiquette training for Down Syndrome students
  • Prince/ Princess Summer Day Camp

What age group do you enjoy working with most?
As a previous teacher, and mother of a Down Syndrome child, I enjoy teaching children and adults with Down Syndrome.
They are willing to learn, they just learned differently! I found that throughout the time I earlier taught children worship, dance, flags ballet, and musical instruments, there was missing piece needed for them to be well-rounded in social graces, knowing how to introduce themselves, table manners, proper conversation etc… Graceful manners Academy became part of the finishing touch that the children needed to succeed socially. There is an Etiquette class for Down Syndrome students at Graceful Manners Academy, my son was the first student! I am so inspired by their enthusiasm, willingness to learn! They just learn differently!

Which are some of the older etiquette authors or authorities you enjoy reading?
I enjoy reading the classics. I love Amy Vanderbilt, Emily Post and Judith Martin.

If you’d like to reach Carla, you can call her. Said Carla, “At Graceful Manners Academy, you are given the grace to succeed!
Call for information (909)552-1553”





🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia