Etiquette for the Busy Indian Day

Mornings often begin with preparing lunch for the family—commonly for children heading to school or a spouse heading to work.

Hectic Life in an Average Indian Home

Have you ever taken an evening stroll through your neighbourhood and found yourself wondering about the lives unfolding behind the windows and walls around you? While it may seem like an unusual thought, it sparks a deeper curiosity: what does a day in the life of the average Indian look like?

Living in India has given me a unique glimpse into everyday life, particularly the routines and dynamics within households. The following is what I observed:

Mornings often begin with preparing lunch for the family—commonly for children heading to school or a spouse heading to work. In many households, hired help is integral to daily life. Domestic workers, referred to locally as “maids,” are usually women, though it’s not uncommon to find young men taking up this role as their primary source of income.

The day for many homemakers and remote workers starts with letting in the maid and assigning the day’s tasks. This process struck me as quite different from Western practices. In India, a close eye is often kept on the maid’s work to ensure it meets expectations. For someone from the West, where the typical approach is to outline tasks and trust that they will be completed to a satisfactory standard without constant supervision, this can feel unfamiliar, even uncomfortable.

When I asked local friends about this practice, they explained that close supervision is seen as necessary to prevent shortcuts. Maids are often managing multiple houses and might be tempted to rush through their work to move on to the next. The sentiment shared was: “I don't play around with my money – I want to see it work for me.” While understandable, the process seems exhausting to me as an outsider.

If you’re visiting a friend’s apartment in Mumbai, be prepared for some common entry protocols. At the gate, the security guard will likely stop you, as unfamiliar faces are routinely checked. Be sure to have your host’s full name and apartment number handy. In some cases, you may be directed to the doorman, who might take your photo and collect your details for a security app. This ensures a smoother entry on future visits, as your information will be stored and verified.

In older buildings, you may need to climb stairs — less than ideal in Mumbai’s heat. In newer apartments, you’ll often encounter a double-door entry system: a folding gate followed by the main door. For the elevator to function, you must open and securely close both doors each time you enter or exit. A friendly heads-up: as you leave the apartment after a warm and welcoming visit, and enter the elevator, be prepared for a rush. You might find yourself navigating a flurry of activity, much like stepping off a Mumbai train, with residents eager to get home or maids hurrying between houses to finish their day.

What should you bring as a gift to your hosts house? I have found with trial and error that anything from overseas is perfect, such as chocolates, sweets in generous packaging, tea in a tin and, if you know the man of the house very well, a whiskey. In Mumbai and other states, if you want to bring alcohol to a hosts house and you know that they drink alcohol, as many do not, its best a man go to the shop’s front rather than a woman. As a foreigner, all eyes are on you, as you leave the apartment, on the street, on the bus as I found out one day. I got onto a bus on my usual route and the driver said he had not seen me awhile and I explained that I had moved apartments. Very observant of the driver!

Front doors in India are vibrant and often showcase the family’s name alongside symbols of faith and cultural identity. Hindu households may display torana or bandanwar (decorative hangings of marigolds or mango leaves for good luck), swastika or om symbols for blessings, or items like a kalash or gudi (traditional Maharashtrian flag) during festivals. Some Christian homes might feature a cross, while Muslim homes often have plaques with quranic inscriptions such as “bismillah-ir-rahman-ir-rahim” for blessings and protection. Additionally, some homes use black threads or amulets to ward off negative energies, reflecting a blend of religious and cultural traditions.

Upon removing your shoes and placing them by the door or on a shoe rack — rest assured, they’re unlikely to go missing —you’ll step inside barefoot and be warmly welcomed by your host and their family. Greetings often include a friendly namaste, with hands pressed together, accompanied by introductions to those present. While some Indians may offer a hug or a kiss, it’s best to mirror their approach if they don’t initiate such gestures. Your host will then guide you to take a seat on the sofa, making you feel right at home.

As you take a seat, you’ll be offered water on a tray. It’s a kind gesture rooted in an ancient tradition of hospitality, meant to refresh guests after their journey and set a welcoming tone. It’s polite to accept and appreciate this thoughtful offering. Afterward, the conversation typically begins with inquiries about your health and family, and it’s customary to reciprocate. 

You may be offered chai by your host after drinking water. Please don’t say ‘yes, I’ll have chai tea’, your host will have a wide smile and say ‘chai means tea’ and laugh. 

A compliment about your host’s home, family and work, is always a great way to keep the conversation flowing. Other ice-breakers are asking and knowing about the latest Bollywood movies, actors and actresses and asking who’s your favourite or what is it about the film you like the most? I don’t want to scare you… but you must be very prepared for the next to come… to be asked questions that would be relegated to the ‘no-go-zone’ in western countries such as ‘how much is your rent?’, ‘how much do you get teaching?’, ‘why don’t you have children?’, ‘how much is your house worth?’ and so it goes on. Being prepared is key.

Don’t be surprised if the men break off on a different couch or in a room completely, leaving the women to talk or walk off to the kitchen together. This is a common social dynamic in many Indian cultures, where gender roles and expectations can influence social interactions.

During your visit, you’ll notice the host managing various household tasks. If they have a full-time domestic helper, you might observe them providing instructions, often related to meal preparation. If the host is preparing the meal themselves, expect them to move in and out of the kitchen, with the dining set-up unfolding gradually, rather than being prearranged.

When it’s time to eat, be prepared for a generous serving of food, including a mountain of rice accompanied by roti, papad, and an array of curries. To enjoy the meal gracefully without overwhelming yourself, use the roti or papad to eat with the curries, and reserve the rice for lighter dishes like dal. To politely manage the over-abundance of rice, take small portions and express your appreciation for the delicious meal, emphasising its loving preparation while explaining that you have a small appetite. This approach shows gratitude while ensuring you don’t offend your host.

I didn’t mention this before, you may be offered chai by your host after drinking water. Please don’t say ‘yes, I’ll have chai tea’, your host will have a wide smile and say ‘chai means tea’ and laugh. After your meal you may be offered chai again. Just remember that chai is very sweet and, depending on your host, might be flavoured with a choice of green cardamom, ginger — a winning combination – or even pepper, which is not too bad.

Whilst you are back on the sofa, sipping and talking, with those from Maharashtra, I have found when there is disapproval, affirmation or correction on a subject you are talking about, they will click with their tongue to emphasise how they feel. It’s really an interesting thing that they do and after a while I started doing when speaking in Hindi or English.

Please note that unless you know your host well or you have very important work to do the next day, I mean if you are meeting the Prime Minister of India – an important day, to say the least – then your lunch and dinner meal will run very late and overtime. Have yourself a small snack before your enter uber or a rickshaw, that will fill the gurling in your stomach. A day after the event, it’s nice to say thank you and follow up with a text of pleasantries.

 

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette. Elizabeth is currently traveling throughout India and brushing up on her Hindi.

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

“What Then?” Etiquette

Watching one’s host or hostess, especially when the meal is just beginning, is always helpful. But if they give no indication of which utensils to use first, yet encourage you to go ahead and start, just remember the number one dining rule: Work from the outside in. Always start with the utensil farthest away from the place setting and move in closer to the place setting with each consecutive course.

“A problem for the etiquette sharps: 

Suppose both the guest and the hostess are waiting to see which fork the other will use first? What then?”– San Francisco Chronicle, 1929

On Instagram, I’m sent questions from followers on a routine basis. This was not submitted to me. It’s from a San Francisco Call edition archive online. It was printed in 1929. The truth is, however, that it reads exactly like a question one of my young students would ask today. My youth etiquette class students get very creative with their questions. They want answers that make sense. –Site Editor, Maura J. Graber

Me: “So if you can’t remember what to do, watch to see what your host or hostess does …”

Typical 5th Grader: “But what if they’re watching me to see what I’m going to do? What if they’ve forgotten and know I took an etiquette class?!”

My response: “Fall back to the first rule in dining etiquette and choose the utensils farthest from the plate — to the right and the left — that utensil/s matches the size or shape of the food and dish, and do not use the utensils directly above the plate until you are served dessert.”

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gift Etiquette in Japan

“O-seibo” means “the year-end gift” For me, it means to express my thanks and gratitude to people for being so helpful to me throughout the year. – Elena Gavrilina-Fujiyama

How gifts are given in Japan. The tradition of giving gifts. On the eve of the holidays, we always think about gifts that are not only pleasant to receive, but also even more pleasant to give. Gift culture is very strong in Japan, where the exchange of gifts is of great importance, especially when it comes to maintaining personal relationships. Gifts may be given as a token of gratitude for kindness shown. The one who accepted the gift, in turn, must also show gratitude to the giver.

It is advisable to buy gifts in well-known and prestigious department stores; branded packaging will demonstrate where the gift was purchased. Yes, this is very important, and the Japanese do not consider this some kind of bragging, but a sign of respect.

Usually a gift is presented with the words: “This is a trifle, but please accept it anyway!” However, there is a subtle nuance here: never give exactly a “trifle”! You will be considered, to put it mildly, a stingy person. After these words, the usual ceremony in such cases occurs: the recipient puts the gift aside without unwrapping it and as if not paying attention to it. If he immediately opened the package to see what was inside, it would look like greed.

Having received a gift, you must thank the giver. This, of course, does not mean that you need to immediately run out and buy a return gift, but it is advisable to thank them in writing: for example, send a postcard with words of gratitude or a message in phone messenger. But sooner or later you will definitely need to give something of equal value. As a rule, they order delivery of a gift directly from a department store. But to influential, respected people, gifts should be presented personally. This is required by etiquette.

The topic of gifts is endless and very interesting, I think that it is relevant for many. The tradition of gifts in Japan is an important component of communication etiquette. The Japanese love to give gifts and take great pleasure in the opportunity to give a gift. Very often they give gifts, for example, upon returning from travel, when meeting friends or relatives whom they have not seen for a long time, or to work colleagues.

Gift exchange is a tradition that speaks to the importance of maintaining good relationships between people throughout life.
For example, during the New Year holidays, many Japanese visit shopping malls and purchase seasonal o-seibo gifts. This tradition is unique and has its roots in the distant past. Initially, at the end of the year, it was customary to present gifts to the gods, thereby expressing gratitude for their help and favor in the past year and a plea for help in the coming one. As a rule, it was sake, rice, dried fish, fruits, and vegetables. 

Then gifts began to be given not only to the gods and their servants, but also to people who helped and played an important role in life, for example, parents, family members, teachers, managers, and work colleagues. Such gifts should not be expensive; attention and respect are important. Therefore, even now o-seibo is food, sake, tea, coffee. It is expected that each o-seibo who receives a gift will give the giver a return gift. And in order not to violate the rules of etiquette, this should be done not immediately after receiving, but after some time, so as not to show the donor your reluctance to be obliged.

I would like to note that o-seibo gifts are exchanged not only by individuals, but also by entire companies and corporations, which provides another opportunity to show respect and maintain relationships. After all, an important feature of such gifts, determined by the rules of etiquette, is that once started, this process continues for a long time! Thus, in Japan, gifts play an important role in harmonizing relationships between people.

 

                                                                 

By contributor, Elena Gavrilina-Fujiyama especially for Etiquipedia. Elena is a specialist in Japanese protocol and etiquette, and European social etiquette. The founder of the project Etiquette748, Elena is also a member of the National Association of Specialists of Protocol. She authored the best-selling book “Japanese Etiquette: Ancient Traditions and Modern Rules” after living in Japan for over 20 years. Elena recently was awarded the Diploma of the World Prize “Woman of the Russian World” in the category “Entrepreneurship” (Japan). The theme of the 2024 award is “Preservation and strengthening of the traditional family values.” Congratulations, Elena! 

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for Spaghetti and Noodles

            

Many parents tell children to use their best “company manners,” as if good manners are not for families or one’s home, as well. This is a mistake. Good manners are best when used regularly around those we love and live with. It also helps children to develop good manners as good habits. My grandson, Jaxon, is learning good daily manners, though his technique with spaghetti needs a lot of improvement! Below is an image of a painting showing how spaghetti was once properly eaten in Italy, that was until sauce was added. Sauce was a game-changer!

                    

Old Italian artwork in background on magazine cover, shows how pasta was once eaten properly~ Tubular pasta or other shapes are much easier to eat without spilling. If you’re dining in public, try rigatoni, mosticiolli, cannelloni, bow ties, tortellini or even macaroni when ordering Italian. In Asia, and withAsian dining etiquette, unlike American or European etiquette, slurping up long noodles is considered good manners, as is lifting the bowl close to one’s face.

Some pretty interesting gadgets have been invented to help eat spaghetti and other long noodles. This shown above, is one of the least practical Etiquipedia has seen.

Over time, many inventors have tried to invent forks, spoons and other utensils for the eating of pasta, hoping it would make eating pastas easier and cleaner, but few have actually worked. In the end, any way you twirl it, long pasta or noodles can still be very messy.

This 1939 creation resembles a child’s “food pusher,” but is designed with spaghetti – and other difficult foods – to eat in a “highly genteel manner.” ~  The patent description reads, “Accordingly, in use and practice, the implement may be held in one hand with the scraper face 3 flat-wise upon a plate, dish or the like C as shown in Figure 3. A fork D may be held in the other hand, and the gathering of the particular foodstuff upon the fork D for conveyance to the mouth may be facilitated in a simple, convenient, and highly genteel manner, as illustrated in Figure 3, thereby conducing to the ease and satisfaction of the diner and obviating the frequency occurring embarrassment of ‘chasing food around the plate.’”

Practice makes better, so keep practicing when you can

Some spaghetti etiquette tips:

• If you want to twirl, you may use a spoon to help you. 
Leave the bowl of the spoon on the plate, not up in the air, 
and only try to twirl two or three “strings” at a time onto the 
fork with the help of the spoon. If you put too many strings 
on the fork, the result will be too much pasta once it is all 
twirled. 
• Try not to have any “strings” hanging down from the fork 
that you will need to slurp up into your mouth, or bite off, to 
fall back into your plate. 
• Bring the pasta to your mouth, not your mouth to the pasta 
or plate. 
• If you need to, you can cut your pasta with the side of 
your fork, but never use a knife. 
• Make sure you have a napkin on your lap to catch anything 
that may fall to your lap.  Use your napkin to wipe you 
mouth in between bites too, if you think there is a chance 
you have sauce on your face. 
• Practice makes better, so keep practicing when you can. 
From The RVP Institute of Etiquette 

A 1953 "spaghetti twirler fork" ~ On Eating Spaghetti : "The aficionado knows that the only graceful and satisfying way to eat real Italian spaghetti (which comes in full length or perhaps half-length rounds) is to eat it with a large soup spoon and a fork. The spoon is placed in the left-hand more or less upright in the plate (or often platter) of spaghetti. The right-hand uses a fork with the tip of the prongs against the spoon to wind the spaghetti in to a manageable mouthful. It should not drop off the fork. The fork full of spaghetti is then conveyed in the mouth while the spoon remains in the hand and on the platter. As with any sauce dish, it should be eaten without stirring the spaghetti, grated cheese, and meatballs (or other garnish) altogether, infant style.  The timid way to eat spaghetti is to cut it into small bits with knife and fork and eat it with a fork alone. Thick macaroni can't be eaten rolled on a fork so readily and is better cut with a fork as one goes along. Remaining sauce of each dish maybe eaten with a spoon or sopped up with small bits of bread, which are then eaten with a fork." Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette

Pasta and the Arabs 

In the Jerusalem Talmud, written in Aramaic in the 5th century AD is the first certain record of noodles cooked by boiling. The word used for the noodles was itriyah. In Arabic references this word stands for not homemade noodles, which would have been fresh, but the dried noodles purchased from a vendor. While fresh noodles must be eaten immediately, dried noodles are extremely portable. Pasta was more than likely introduced to Sicilians during the Arab conquests and carried in as a dry staple. The Arab geographer, Al Idrisi wrote that a flour-based product in the shape of strings was produced in Palermo, then an Arab colony.

Macaroni and cheese is not a modern food creation. Numerous recipes for macaroni can be found in cookbooks of the late-19th century. To demonstrate just how popular macaroni was, take a look at these large gilded, macaroni servers from the time period. Only the most popular of foods had utensils designed for serving and eating them at the time. These are excellent examples. The following article is how macaroni got its name. Sadly, as popular as they were, these versatile serving forks fell out of use after the gilded age and never made a comeback . This was despite the fact that they came in numerous styles and were marketed as “fried oyster servers” and as “tomato servers,” as well.

Marco Polo and Pasta

As the Chinese are known to have been eating a "noodle-like food" as early as 3000 BC. Marco Polo describes a starchy product made from breadfruit - hardly what we now know as durum wheat. The myth that Marco Polo brought pasta with him upon his return from China was debunked long ago.  Polo returned to Italy in 1295 after twenty-odd years of travel, but much earlier in 1279, a Genoese soldier listed in the inventory of his estate a basket of dried pasta ('una bariscella plena de macaronis').

A 1933 table-fork designed specifically for any "string-like" food.

New World Tomato Meets Old World Pasta

In the 16th century, the Spanish brought their food discoveries back to the old world. Among the rich assortment of foodstuffs that were to become permanent fixtures in the old world was the tomato. The tomatoes may have been a pale variety as they were given the name 'golden apple' (pomo d'oro) by a Sienese botanist, Pietro Andrea Mattioli. The tomato was born to meet pasta as any Italian might have guessed, and tomato sauce altered the history of pasta forever. The first recipe for tomatoes with pasta wasn't written until 1839, however, when Ippolito Cavalcanti, Duke of Buonvicino, offered a recipe for 'vermicelli co le pommodoro.' A mere thirty years later, La Cuciniera Genovese offered recipes for purées, soups, distinctly different sauces for meats, chicken, veal and pasta. Tomatoes had arrived. 

Vintage and modern table tools for eating long spaghetti~ A simple noodle shaped the history of manners as well as the history of food ~ Until the creation of tomato sauces, pasta was eaten dry, and with one's fingers. The liquid sauce suddenly demanded one's use of a fork.  The manners of the common man were changed forever. 

“A North American father, presumably initiating his son, aged 15, into the world of adult business affairs, took him out to what the boy described as 'a big dinner meeting.' When the company was served spaghetti, the boy ate it with his hands. 'I would slurp it up and put it in my mouth,' he admitted. 'My dad took some grief about it.' The October 1985 newspaper article does not describe the response of the rest of the company. The son was sent to a boarding school to learn how to behave. 'When we have spaghetti,' he announced later, 'you roll it up real tightly on your fork and put it in your mouth with the fork.'

What he described, after having learned it, is the dinner-table ritual --as automatic and unquestioned by every participant in it, as impossible to gainsay, as the artificial rules and preferences which every cannibal society has upheld. Practical reasons can be found for it, most of them having to do with neatness, cleanliness, and noiselessness. Because these three general principles are so warmly encouraged in our culture, having been arrived at, as ideals to be striven for, after centuries of struggle and constraint, we simply never doubt that everyone who is right-minded will find a spaghetti eating companion disgusting and impossible to eat with where even one of them is lacking. Yet we know from paintings and early photographs of spaghetti eaters in 19th century Naples (where the modern version of spaghetti comes from) that their way of eating pasta was with their hands-- not that the dish was likely to appear at a formal dinner. You had to raise the strings in your right hand, throwback your head, then lower the strings, dexterously with dispatch, and without slurping (there are invariably 'polite' and 'rude' ways of eating), into your open mouth. The spaghetti in the picture does not seem to have sauce on it.

Today, spaghetti-eating manners demand forks, and fist fulls of wet pasta are simply not acceptable on any 'civilized' occasion. The son's ignorance cast a dark reflection upon his father: he had not been doing his duty, had not given his child a proper 'upbringing.' Even if the boy had not seen spaghetti before, he subsequently admitted that what he ought to have done was to look about him, watch how other people were eating this awkward food, and imitate them. In any case, the options were clearer after this demonstration of an ineptitude: either the boy learns his table manners, or he would not be asked to 'a big dinner meeting' again by anyone who had heard of his unfinished education.” Margaret Visser, The Rituals of Dinner

In Japan, when you move into a new home, it's customary to present your neighbors with buckwheat noodles known as “hikkoshi soba.”  In addition to being the name of the noodle, soba is a homonym for the word ‘near’ and “hikkoshi soba” is a play on words meaning “We've moved near you.”

A most modern noodle fork.

Contributor Maura J. Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, since 1990, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette.  She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years. Over the past 35 years, Graber has written several books. Her latest,  “Yesteryear… More of What Have We Here?: The Etiquette and Essentials of Past Times to the Mid-20th Century, is available on Amazon.”

      

🍝Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia🍜

Chuck-Wagon Etiquette

 

It's a serious breach of etiquette to fail to place dirty utensils in the “wreck pan,” the range name for dish-pan. And only an utter fool would ever complain about the food!— Public domain image of a chuckwagon from 1900

Pickup Truck Replaces Chuck-Wagon at Roundups

It doesn't take an iron-clad stomach, a hard day's work or lots of fresh air to enjoy food from an old fashioned chuck-wagon. On the high plains of eastern New Mexico, it's still the fashion.

Twice each year, spring and fall, most New Mexico ranches hold roundups. During those brief weeks of frenzied activity the most feared, most respected, least liked but most sought after men is the cook.

Most cooks these days use pickup trucks instead of the old fashioned chuckwagons. Some are even equipped with butane powered stoves and refrigerators. Running water comes from large tanks stored beneath the truck beds.

The menu? It's plain and simple:

• Breakfast: Fried steak, stewed peaches or prunes, fried potatoes, biscuits or “hot rocks” and coffee.
• Lunch: Beef sandwiches ог barbecue. canned peaches, beans and more coffee. 
• Supper: Stew, consisting of choice beef cuts, potatoes, onions, canned tomatoes and seasoning; baked bread and still more coffee. With luck fresh peach or berry pie.

Baker's bread is called “gun wadding” at the roundup and is not popular. The cook who can whip up a batch of biscuits, slow baked in a Dutch oven over mesquite coals, is the man of the hour. Contrary to western lore, the pancake is seldom made. In the words of one cook, “they're too damn messy.”

The chuckwagon, pickup truck or cook tent is considered private property of the cook, and wranglers stick to their own ground. It's a serious breach of etiquette to fail to place dirty utensils in the “wreck pan,” the range name for dish-pan. And only an utter fool would ever complain about the food!

Cooks go under various titles. The printables are coozie, cookie, dough wrangler, biscuit shooter, belly cheater, Sally, the old woman, grease puncher and pot slinger. Canned goods are called “air tights;” sugar or molasses are both called “lick.” Knives and forks are called “artillery.”

At the end of the roundup the cooks generally drift back to their cafe and side order cooking jobs in nearby towns. Few ranches these days employ large enough crews all year long to keep a steady cook. — Santa Fe, N.M. (UPI) , 1964

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Worlds Apart

Empty subway car seats in Hong Kong in 2018

Hong Kong & Mainland China…

Found to be Worlds Apart

Here I am, standing in a crowded van-bus full of people who don’t know even one word of English. There are little kids staring at me along with a few people wearing U.S. Army uniforms. On this particular bus, some of the people are not even speaking Mandarin but some sort of local dialect. Imagine a bus full of Chinese farmers and me. In this place, I was not just Sean the UC Davis student, I was ambassador of a whole different world. I’m from a world of McDonald’s, the Internet, private cars, movies, TV, video-games and fancy schools. 

The world of the Chinese countryside is much different from the Chinese metropolitan cities. Here it is rare to find a person with a private car. Taxis almost don’t exist outside of larger cities, and the normal Western food chains are all absent. It is a slower-paced world, and many people can be seen just taking their time walking around the streets or sitting on some empty steps, Students wearing colorful uniforms are racing around on bicycles, and small shops are selling produce instead of clothes or knockoff watches. However there is one thing I have found consistent no matter where I am in mainland China: The people are all so friendly and so willing to help. And they are always very surprised if you can speak a few words of Mandarin — even badly. Traveling to mainland China has once again renewed my interest in learning Mandarin. 

Cantonese, as is spoken here in Hong Kong, is also interesting, but it is so much harder to learn with the nine tones (most locals can’t make all nine). The locals are not as willing to help you speak it and are not very patient if you speak it badly. Plus, I always think Cantonese people sound angry when they talk. Cantonese is a very limited-use language, while Mandarin is spoken by countless millions of Chinese. 

On the way back to Hong Kong I made a quick stop in Shenzhen, a city on mainland China just across the border of Hong Kong. Since the subway is new there, I decided to give it a try. On my particular trip I saw men lying down on the bench seats, taking up three or four spaces while others, most likely from Hong Kong, were getting annoyed. There were many empty seats, but no one seemed to be particularly interested in sitting. Since this is a new subway, maybe the “rules of etiquette” are not yet totally established, but in Hong Kong they clearly are. 

On the Hong Kong subway system people generally move about at a normal to lazy pace on the escalators, in the gate areas, or wait on the platform. However, when you get to an interchange station, something totally different happens. It is easy to tell when an interchange station is coming up; all the people on board who had previously been maneuvering for the best seats now totally shift their attention to being the first one to the doors that will soon open. Then there is a mad rush. Everyone is like a racehorse out of the gate, and people literally run across from the one train to the other. The goal is to be the first to the new train and once again get the best seat. However, as soon as you get to the seat, it seems you have to stand in front of it, stretch a little, act like you don’t really want it, and then slowly sit. 

So it seems mainland China and Hong Kong are very different worlds; the people look the same but that is about where it ends. The food is very different, the language is different, the actions are different and the way of thinking is different. I personally like both places, and I always feel at ease when in mainland China. — By S. Donohoe for California Aggie, 2006

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Charm School for WAFs

Throughout WWII, American women worked in a tremendous variety of fields in which women had never worked before. Joining the ranks of the WAFS or other military services took women out of offices and placed them in some dangerous situations. By 1951, it was determined that women were part of the military to stay. Adding etiquette and social skills training was one way to boost recruitment.

WAFs Got the Word On Personality, Poise

Join the air force, lady, and learn about poise, confidence and personal appearance. Experts will teach you. Classes in personal appearance have been added to the training schedules for WAFs at sprawling Lackland air force base here.

“Women, especially those in uniform, can be just as dainty. feminine and carefully groomed as ever,” explained Robert L. Detchemendy, head of the Personal Appearance Department at Stephens College, Columbia, Mo. Detchemendy spent a week at Lackland lecturing, demonstrating and organizing the courses.

Individual styling of hair and skin grooming are part of the courses. Cleanliness, wholesomeness and neatness are stressed. Posture and etiquette are treated extensively. Points are given on diet, as an aid to naturally attractive complexion and to sports and exercise as aids to maintaining a trim figure. — San Antonio, Texas (AP), 1951

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Elizabeth II Chafed at Royal Etiquette

  A timely 2nd Debut article from 2016

Queen Elizabeth and the Duke of Edinburgh at the opening of Parliament in 1952

Elizabeth & Consort, Chafe At 

Rituals Of Royalty

Queen Elizabeth and the Duke of Edinburgh, as young folks might be expected to do, are chaffing a bit these days at the stupendous ritual and custom that hedges them around in the royal court. Wise courtiers say nothing and wait for the irritation to subside, as they know it will in the course of time. It always has.

Modernization of court proceedings is always in progress but it moves slowly. There are certain to be changes during the anticipated long reign of Elizabeth II, but nothing as dramatic as some of the sensational press are now demanding.

For one thing, it is obvious that pressure on the Queen, if the buffering army of functionaries were removed or cut radically, would be greater than it is under the present system. Thus, cutting away too much red tape would expose the Queen to the very evil from which her self-appointed saviors seek to rescue her.

The court of St. James is a very old court, and, in a county where tradition is venerated as nowhere else, there is a reluctance to drop customs for any reason whatsoever. It is quite true that there are servants in the royal households who have servants to wait upon them. But it has always been that way, and, despite the unionization of the palace help, there might be considerable unrest if this were changed.

It comes down to a question of whether the nation wants a court or doesn't want one. And Elizabeth is known to love the pomp, the panoply, the ceremonial which blazes about the British throne.

The royal household is an immense establishment. There are eleven private secretaries and assistants to the sovereign. There are 23 officials in the privy purse, treasury and royal charities office. There are 36 royal chaplains. There are 20 physicians and surgeons and a special coroner. And many others.

Before Queen Mary's time there were even greater numbers of royal courtiers, but the redoubtable old lady - as other queens before her - chopped away a few of the jobs. And her granddaughter, Elizabeth, will doubtless whittle away a few more.

By court etiquette, Elizabeth must not do anything directly. She can give orders to her private secretary, to her ladies of the bed-chamber or ladies in waiting, to her principal advisers and these, in turn, relay her orders to the lower echelons.

This has irked the Duke of Edinburgh more than any single rule of the palaces, and he has broken it more than once by strolling down corridors asking the desired information or giving orders in person. Queen Elizabeth is expected to shorten the chain of command down the line from the throne as her contribution to the streamlining of etiquette.

Another windmill at which the critics are tilting is the strict procedure for public engagements. The newspapers contend that the Queen should not be tied up a year ahead to visits such as the one to New Zealand. The implication is that these things ought to be spun-of-the-moment affairs quickly accomplished by plane instead of great processions by sea with public interest drummed up over a period of time.

This is a rather naive approach. New Zealand will invest a fortune in the Queen's visit and it may well be the event of the year there. Security has to be considered. Shops will get ready for extra business. New Zealanders from out-country may want to arrange to be at the points visited by the Queen. She will open playgrounds, lay cornerstones, attend ceremonials, make speeches. – (LONDON (U.P.) 21 January 1953

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Post vs. Vanderbilt on 1950s Etiquette

Emily Post felt that employers may be embarrassed if a pregnant woman was working him an office. Amy Vanderbilt strongly disagreed. Lucile Ball broke a barrier on her hit television show by showing herself pregnant on screen in 1952. According to ScreenRant.com, “As one of the first hit TV series, I Love Lucy had to tread the murky waters in establishing what networks, censors, and audiences would and wouldn't accept on TV.  When Lucille Ball, the actress who played lead character Lucy Ricardo, got pregnant, the series had to figure out how to handle an expectant mother on TV. Luckily for the network, Ball was married to co-star Desi Arnaz, who played her TV husband Ricky Ricardo, meaning that there was little scandal with the actress being pregnant, only how to present it to viewers. The major problem that CBS had with the pregnancy was not the state of Lucy, but with the word pregnancy itself. Noted as a medical and indecent word, CBS refused to allow the word to be spoken on screen. Dancing around the facts for the whole episode, and even using the French word for pregnancy, "Enceinte" in the title, in the last moments of the episode Lucy tricked her husband into figuring out that they were in the family way. 55 years later, ‘Knocked Up’ premiered. We've come a long way.”– Image source, Pinterest

To the Ladies: From the Editor

Emily Post, arbiter of etiquette, lays down the rule: “If a pregnant woman works in a small office she can stay at work, provided it does not embarrass her employer. But in a large office, she should leave when her condition becomes obvious.”

Amy Vanderbilt, another authority on etiquette, who says that she herself worked in a big office until six weeks before the birth of her second son, disagrees, contending that “this is a completely accepted thing to-day.”

The turning point so far as etiquette is concerned, Amy Vanderbilt says, was during World War II, when women were desperately needed in their jobs.

Obstetricians, according to the New York Times, “are all but unanimous in praise of the trend. There is nothing harmful about a pregnant woman working, they say, provided she feels comfortable about it.”

The main problem, it seems, in many cases is transportation to and from work. In crowded buses and streetcars women have found that there is not a vast number of cavaliers who will offer a seat to a pregnant woman.

One woman who worked until three days before delivery reported that other women occasionally gave their seat. But male travelers: “Never!” Guess Mothers’ Day, like Christmas, comes only once a year – The East Bay Labor Journal, 1958

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1950s Office Etiquette and Social Rules

“Mopsy” explaining her office etiquette for when the wife of her boss dropped by.  Mopsy was a comic  strip by Gladys Parker, who was said to have created the character after herself and her mop-like head of hair. Parker was one of just a few female cartoonists of her era. The strip's run was over three decades, from its inception in 1937 through the 1960s.  

Q. & A. With Amy Vanderbilt…

Special Social Rules Apply In Business Office Conduct

Does business etiquette differ from social etiquette in regard to a gentleman's treatment of a lady? Yes, in many cases it does.

A subordinate woman employee, for example, usually rises if a top male executive approaches her desk to give her some instructions. She does not do this for her immediate superior, as it would mean she would be jumping up and down all the time. She rises for a superior woman executive, too, under the same circumstances – that is, if her desk is visited by a superior with whom she is not in constant contact. And she rises for an important client or customer of the firm to whom she is introduced, whether male or female.

Following is a question on office etiquette: 

“Dear Miss Vanderbilt: I am a secretary who works for two men. We all work in one office. Is it correct for my bosses to introduce me to an outside visitor? 

Recently we had a visitor from England who spent an afternoon with my bosses. He sat no more than three or four feet away from me I felt embarrassed at not being introduced, particularly when they left the room and I was alone with him. What do you think? -JM, Detroit, Mich.”

You should have been introduced to him. In a case like this, which concerns business, a subordinate woman worker is introduced to a male superior. Socially, of course, a man is always introduced to a woman. – By Amy Vanderbilt, November 1954

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Etiquette of Audiences

In 1896, a question of the etiquette of audiences arose in New York…

A question of the etiquette of audiences arose once in New York when the Symphony society’s concert was given. Mr. Joseffy played the second Brahms concerto, which threw the audience into a state of intense enthusiasm. He was called out a dozen times, and yet the audience persisted in its applause. Finally Mr. Damrosch, the conductor, made as if to proceed with the programme, but the audience kept up their applause. Mr. Damrosch waved his baton and began the next number. The sounds of the orchestra were drowned, however, by the noise of the audience. Mr. Damrosch then rapped sharply upon his desk, and the musicians and the audience both became silent. He turned to the audience and gave them a sharp rebuke for the manner in which they had conducted themselves, saying to them that to ask a pianist, no matter how much he might have pleased them, to add to his exhausting labors after playing such a concerto was neither an appreciation of his art nor an evidence of good manners. The audience very sensibly accepted the rebuke, and the performance went on. – The Hanford Journal, 1896

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1960’s “Sidewalk Santa” Etiquette

Kris Kringle has to be a model of diplomacy. One cardinal rule forbids the Santas from promising children they will get the gifts they ask for. But at the same time, Santa must send the youngsters away “hopeful and happy.”

Sidewalk Santas Need More Than “Ho-Ho-Ho!”

It takes more than an ability to voice a hearty “Merry Christmas, ho-ho-ho” to make a good sidewalk Santa Claus, according to the Volunteers of America. The 2,000 Santas on duty across the United States for the Volunteers, also must master rigid rules of sidewalk etiquette.

The Kris Kringles attend special schools where they are taught the “do’s and don’ts” of their profession before they can receive their red costumes, white beards and chimneys.

The Schools for Santas are directed by Col. John Ford, National social welfare organization, who said “it’s vital that Santa is exemplary. We insist that our Sidewalk Santas not only are courteous, but live up to what children have been told by their parents,” Ford said.

Kris Kringle has to be a model of diplomacy. One cardinal rule forbids the Santas from promising children they will get the gifts they ask for. But at the same time, Santa must send the youngsters away “hopeful and happy.” Other rules formulated by the Volunteers of America for its Santas cover the range from sweet breath to sweet disposition.

“Keep your breath clean avoid eating garlic or onions and do not eat, drink or smoke while on duty.” is one of the basic commandments. The Santas also are advised to be courteous and pleasant at all times, to avoid arguments or disputes and to avoid obstructing traffic.

Most of the Sidewalk Santas are older men. Some have themselves been rehabilitated by the Volunteers of America in the program supported by funds collected during the Christmas season. But the campaigns, which date. back to 1901, play a much bigger role.

They provide free Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners to thousands of homeless individuals and needy families in cities across the nation and holiday baskets of food, fuel and toys to families. The funds collected in the chimneys also help support the Volunteer's year round social welfare program. – New York (UPI), 1961

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Kid’s Etiquette in the 1980’s

You don't sleep in tents and cook hotdogs on a grill at these camps; you take dance classes and learn “the right way to do things.”

Courtesy Camps

What comes to mind when you think of summer camp? Daddy Long Leg spiders? The time you short-sheeted your counselor's bed? Whatever you think of, it probably deals with lots of dirt, and lots of fun.

But what would you do if you found out you were spending the summer at a "manners" camp? You don't sleep in tents and cook hotdogs on a grill at these camps; you take dance classes and learn "the right way to do things."

One of these camps, The Emily Post Summer Camp, meets at the Breakers Hotel in Palm Beach, Florida. The session lasts for four days. Kids take dance classes to learn both old-fashioned and modern dancing. They learn telephone manners, how to write thank you notes, and how to behave properly at the table. They even have time left over to swim and play games!

But not all the kids who go there are happy about it. Barbara Smart, who handles public relations for the camp, says "It would be fibbing to say that they're all delighted to be here. None of them are kicking and screaming. but it may be the step just before that." Smart says the kids end up enjoying the camp, though: "They have two hours of class and the rest of the afternoon free they may not have been to a place like the Breakers before. and they make lots of friends here."

Christopher Brett, a thirteen year old from Palm Beach, went to the camp last year. He liked it so much, he's going back this year. "It was really fun, but at the same time you got to learn all this stuff. I think it was funner than other camps, especially at the place it was."

Another camp, the L'Ecole des Ingenues, in Atlanta, Georgia, takes manners even more seriously. The camp director. Anne Oliver, calls it "more than just an etiquette camp." It's more like an old-fashioned finishing school for teenage girls. They learn how to act when they go to the ballet, which fork to use during a meal, the proper way to behave at tea time and other social events.

Oliver says there is an "etiquette epidemic" right now. When the camp started in 1976, fewer people were interested in manners. "When I opened, parents were sending their daughters. Now, almost ten years later, the girls are asking to be sent." – By Julie Langsdorf for Gannett News Service, 1985

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia