Good Manners for Good Business

Every business is pervaded, more or less, by the influence of good behavior and gentle manners. Hence, who can venture to undertake any business except he first acquaint himself with what is right as to his manners and conduct?

Most of the laws of business are based upon the Golden Rule. One who has gained for himself a practical knowledge of this rule is fit for any business. What one of the learned professions would thrive without the aid of proper behavior in its practice? In the physician's efforts to alleviate pain and disease, how valuable to him is a knowledge of what is proper and right in his social treatment of patients. Who has not heard of a physician unsuccessful in his practice because he did not observe good manners? 

Every successful lawyer soon discovers the benefit of good breeding in his dealings with his clients. Who has not heard it asked about a minister, “Are his social qualities good?” —meaning nothing more nor less than an estimate of a pastor’s ability to exercise good manners and genial behavior among his people. Such knowledge is equally useful to the teacher, who must in turn shape the manners of his pupils. Where do we find more agreeable or more polite men, women and boys, than in the clerks, sales—women and cash-boys of the large mercantile establishments of our cities and towns? 

Every business is pervaded, more or less, by the influence of good behavior and gentle manners. Hence, who can venture to undertake any business except he first acquaint himself with what is right as to his manners and conduct?—From “Good Manners for All Occasions,” by Margaret Sangster, 1904

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette’s Intrinsic Value

The efficiency and usefulness of a liberal education are dwarfed unless developed under the genial influence of proper decorum. The actual worth, then, of politeness is such as to make every one who would be refined and cultured seek to cultivate it to such an extent as to make it practical in all the walks of life.

To estimate the real value of etiquette, decorum, or good manners, is to measure the breadth and scope of modern civilization. That culture only is valuable, which smooths the rough places, harmonizes the imperfections, and develops the pure, the good and the gentle in human character. The revenge of the savage, the roughness of the barbarous, and the rudeness of even some who claim to be civilized, are all lost in the good will and suavity of gentle manners. 

The efficiency and usefulness of a liberal education are dwarfed unless developed under the genial influence of proper decorum. The actual worth, then, of politeness is such as to make every one who would be refined and cultured seek to cultivate it to such an extent as to make it practical in all the walks of life.

EXCHANGEABLE VALUE

“A man’s manners are his fortune,” is a saying as true as it is old, as valuable as it is true. Many commodities are exchangeable, and money is the pivot upon which they turn. This is not less true of good manners than it is of the theories of the political economist. Who will number the times fortune has smiled upon penniless men who have had a good countenance and a pleasing address at their command? 

Good manners are made a leading business qualification in all pursuits. Neither sex is exempt, and the best posi- tions with the fattest salaries are always commanded by the best mannered, most courteous individuals. Then, as an avenue to wealth and position, good manners constitute a desirable acquisition.

VALUE TO SOCIETY

What is called society would be impossible were it not for the laws and usages of etiquette. So many interests are to be served 1-some to be protected, others to be restrained, and still others to be allowed the privilege of growth and expansion-that all these could not be done without some acknowledged standard of action, of which all may acquire some information both on entering and while in society. 

The best manners are to be found in the society of the good, and they are only the outgrowth of what is actually essential to regulate intercourse among such people. Man can not do without society, and society can not be maintained without customs and laws; therefore we have only to think of the mistakes, the heart-burnings and the mortifications which are the experience of the unrefined and ill-mannered, to see how valuable to society is a knowledge of the rules of decorum. —From “Rules of Etiquette and Home Culture,” 1889

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

An Etiquette New Year’s Resolution

“All too often written thank you notes are overlooked when they should be second nature to us. Busy schedules and "relaxed" standards are usually blamed. Unfortunately, lack of knowledge and undeveloped social skills to make people feel appreciated is the real culprit. Life for many of us has become so hectic we feel we can cut back on certain things and still acquire or retain the quality of life we want to have. However, a handwritten or even typed (if for professional purposes) note or letter will help retain bonds of friendship, professional ties necessary for profitable businesses, and a reputation for not taking others for granted that can undoubtedly improve the quality of anyone's life.” –Etiquipedia Site Editor and Director of the RSVP Institute, Maura J. Graber, 1991

Resolved: Write Notes of Thanks 

Before the year gets a day older, Christmas thank-you notes ought to be written. But cheer up, the experts say they may be brief.

Take up the quill, they admonish, and try to recapture that pleasurable moment when the tissue paper fell aside to reveal the marble cigarette box, the toaster or the cashmere sweater.

The greatest pleasure of Christmas, to most of us, is viewing someone'’s delight over the gift we have selected. This is the spirit that should govern the thank-you’s to those who could not be there.

The stationery selected for the occasion may be your usual correspondence paper, personals or a card in the form of a personal with “Thank You” *(or other suitable sayings) on the front flap with space inside for a message. Etiquette experts decry the use of a printed card requiring only a signature.

A quick look at the stock available in the shops shows that the strict “thank-you” notes come in many varieties. Colorful lettering, interesting script styles and handsome striped: backgrounds are included.– From The New York Times, 1957

✍️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Little Bit on Politeness

The very word “politeness” carries with it a hidden meaning of elegance, and of the ease that is acquired by mingling with one’s fellows; for it springs from the Latin polio, “I smooth,” and smoothness is gained, not by seclusion, but by the attrition of the city, by the reciprocity that needs must be exercised where people meet one another often, and there must be mutual concessions, that there may be peace and agreeable living together. 

ONE hears good people speak of politeness with a certain contempt, as if it did not matter in the least whether one's manners were fine, if only one's morals were irreproachable. “His heart is all right, but he is a diamond in the rough,” I heard a friend say of another. It was well that the first statement could honestly be made, but a pity that the second had to be added. For there can be few greater misfortunes on the journey of life than to have either bad manners, rude manners, or no manners at all. 

The very word “politeness” carries with it a hidden meaning of elegance, and of the ease that is acquired by mingling with one’s fellows; for it springs from the Latin polio, “I smooth,” and smoothness is gained, not by seclusion, but by the attrition of the city, by the reciprocity that needs must be exercised where people meet one another often, and there must be mutual concessions, that there may be peace and agreeable living together. 

A rough diamond is valuable, of course, but its value is greatly increased when the tool of a cunning workman has brought out its beautiful possibilities, shown the immortal fire under the shining surface, and made every point a star. Men who have been obliged to dwell apart, to delve in mines, or cut the first roads round steep mountains, or live in the loneliness of lumber camps away from women, sometimes grow rough and curt, or, it may even be, boorish. And this is a very great calamity. Still, if early training is careful, and children learn to practice politeness in the home, the habit is apt to stick, let future circumstances be happy or the reverse. A man need not be discourteous because he has little chance to indulge in the gracious and graceful amenities of life. If, as a small child, good manners were so taught him that they became a part of his very nature he will never forget them.

Men and women in the intercourse of the family and in good society are expected to be kind, gentle, well-bred, and obliging. By good society I do not mean fashionable society. It happens that the very rudest people I ever met belonged to a very exclusive circle in what is called the “smart set” of a cosmopolitan American city. The ladies and gentlemen to whom I refer were away from home attending an exposition in a Southern State. They had been most hospitably entertained and most kindly welcomed, but their air of detachment, of pride, of indifference to those around them, might have befitted folk of the baser sort who had never had a chance to learn propriety, but were glaringly out of place in people who had enjoyed every advantage that wealth, travel, and culture could bestow.

On the other hand, I have seen a man in a leather apron, with hands calloused by labor, and clothing patched and faded, whose manners would have been admired in a court. One seldom encounters gross rudeness among poor and hard-working people. They may not know all about the frills and fripperies and furbelows of conventional and ceremonious politeness, but they are polite to the core, with the politeness that gives the best and warmest chair in the chimney corner to the old and feeble grandparent, that offers a seat at once in the street car to the laundress with her basket, or the mother with her baby, and that puts itself out to show a stranger the way, or relieve a woman of a heavy bag or awkward bundle. 

This is conspicuous in America, where it has always been our boast that our women are worshiped, that women may travel in perfect safety between the Atlantic and the Pacific, and that our streets, in our great towns, are as safe at midnight as at noon, for any woman, young or old, whose duties compel her to be abroad after dark without an escort.

The immense ingress upon our shores of foreign peoples with ideals different from ours has somewhat modified our universal gallantry, yet we are glad to observe that in the assimilating processes of the republic the most ignorant peas- antry acquire our ideas, while there is no excuse whatever for our absorbing theirs.

Mrs. Cynthia Westover Alden, writing on this theme, says pithily in a talk to business women: “Cultivate the manners of good society. I do not refer to society with a big S; that is another thing. The manners of the best people in Oshkosh, or Spring Valley, or Cripple Creek are good enough.” — From “Good Manners for All Occasions,” by Margaret Sangster, 1904

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Value of Etiquette to the Poor

One's clothing may be naught but rags and tatters, but if he bear the impress of a gentleman he is honored and respected by all.— Photo source, Twitter from workhouses.org.uk

It is the birthright of an American citizen to rise from the ranks of poverty to the highest gift of the people, if he but possess the ability. Whatever the circumstances, no one likes to admit his poverty. Of all things which make us most easily forget a man's poverty, the practice of good manners is most efficient. One's clothing may be naught but rags and tatters, but if he bear the impress of a gentleman he is honored and respected by all. The graceful air and self-reliant feeling which belong to a well-bred man, are the most effectual antidotes for the stings of poverty. Many a poor man, not only in this but in other lands, has found his way into the society of the best, only on the favor granted because of his manners. One may be poor, yet if he possess good manners and an amiable style in his intercourse with people, his poverty is soon lost amid the good will and friendly feeling created among his associates. Therefore let the young man or the young woman of humble circumstances take courage and set to work at once to acquire a knowledge of the laws and usages of good society.— From “Rules of Etiquette and Home Culture,” 1889

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Mrs. Sangster on Etiquette, 1904

This is a primer of manners designed to make ladies and gentlemen of us all. In her preface, Mrs. Sangster describes it as being like Jack Horner’s historic Christmas pie, and always yielding its plum to the reader who opens its covers. 

GOOD MANNERS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

A Practical Manual, By Margaret E. Sangster

New York:
This is a primer of manners designed to make ladies and gentlemen of us all. In her preface, Mrs. Sangster describes it as being like Jack Horner’s historic Christmas pie, and always yielding its plum to the reader who opens its covers. 

Certain things she overlooks; for instance, she leaves one sadly at sea as to the etiquette of card parties, dances, etc... because she says so many people are divided as to their places as amusements at all; neither does she speak authoritatively upon the question of wines at the table, etc..., since she considers all alcoholic beverages as lying strictly within the domain of a reputable physician. Otherwise her field is as wide and varied as the most exacting student of manner could wish for.

Under table manners, one learns that he should not make a noise while eating, that his chair should not be placed too close to the table, neither too far away; that he should not express a decided preference for any particular article of food unless requested to do so; that it is not elegant to tuck one's napkin under one’s chin; that except in the case of very old ladies or gentlemen eating with one’s knife is not to be tolerated, and many other important things. 

Passing on to the etiquette of children, one learns with actual relief that well-behaved children do not play with a guest's dress, hat, or purse: neither are they permitted to sit on a sofa beside a guest unless particularly invited by the guest to do so. Indeed, in most cases they are not permitted in the room with visitors at all.

A gentleman in society does not quarrel with other guests in a house, and it is not considered elegant to try to be witty, although a pleasing and sprightly conversation may be tolerated. Even en familie quarrels and squabbles should be avoided at the dinner table. Never ask personal questions in society, and in talking to a person look at him, but avoid staring. 

In church one should remember not to eat lozenges or peppermints, nor to fan violently and create a cold current on the back of one's neighbor's neck. Be attentive to old people in the house of God.

It is not etiquette for saleswomen to gossip behind the counter, nor for stenographers to lunch with their employers.

Ladies should try to have their dresses fit well, and in traveling there are fastidious people who prefer to carry their own toilet articles rather than to use those designed for the general-public.

The book is a stout volume, and these are only unassorted items taken from it at random. Mrs. Sangster has gone to great pains to classify all her manners. For instance, on Page 23 she gives Good Manners for Traveling” and on Page 205 we have “Good Manners When All by Ourselves.” There are chapters on “Mourning and Funeral Etiquette and on “The Etiquette of the Visiting Card.”

She tells when is the proper time to: use moth balls and when to buy preserves; when to use the typewriter in correspondence, and when to write in: long hand; and she also gives recipes for cleaning jewelry and old laces, and a little résume of manners in different periods, of history. It should prove an exceedingly valuable book for diamonds in the rough. – The Christian Herald, 1904

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Hints for the 1929 Housewife

The meal should be announced in the following manner: “Dinner (or other meal) is served.” Handle all silver by the handles.

• A guest of honor, if a woman, is seated on the right of the host; if a man, seated on the right of the hostess.
• The hostess may be served first, then the ones on her right. Keep the same order around the table.
• Fill water glasses three-fourths full. 
• Pass all dishes at the left.
• Place and clear from the right when possible. 
• All plates for crackers, cakes, etc., should be covered with a doily.
• Hot breads should be folded in a napkin. 
• The table should be crumbed before the dessert is brought in.
• The meal should be announced in the following manner: “Dinner (or other meal) is served.” 
• Handle all silver by the handles.
• Handle goblets by the stem, and tumblers at the bottom.
• Never lift a glass from the table to refill it.
• If salad is served with the main course, it should be placed on the right, on a line with the plate.
• The food should not be brought into the dining room until all is in readiness to serve it.
• Food is removed from the table first, then the soiled dishes.
• Be sure that all dishes for hot food are hot, and those for cold food, cold.
• All silver should be placed on a line equally distant from the edge of the table, about one inch. — From “The Art of Table Setting,” by Lilian Gunn, 1929

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Christmas Tipping Etiquette

“A Christmas bonus is something you give to someone who has served you all year,” said Judith Martin, whose syndicated persona is the etiquette expert Miss Manners. “It is not something you do because you are afraid not to.”

Christmas Cookies? Cash? Or a Mink? The Annual Tip…

Dale Burg would love to know something about her neighbors, something she says she would never dare to ask. She drops oblique hints, hoping they will volunteer a fact or two. She wonders about them when they’re not around and glances at them as they walk by. But she doesn't say a thing. “Of course I wouldn't ask them how much they tip,” she said of the holiday gifts she and other tenants give the staff of her Upper East Side building. “I wouldn't ask them how much they tip like I wouldn't ask them how much they earn.”

Tipping at Christmastime has become a rule without rules: Almost everyone feels he is supposed to do it, but few are sure exactly whom to tip and how much. The experts offer guidelines: “A Christmas bonus is something you give to someone who has served you all year,” said Judith Martin, whose syndicated persona is the etiquette expert Miss Manners. “It is not something you do because you are afraid not to.”

Professionals offer insights: “As a rule, people who overtip more tend to be insecure,” said Dr. Norman Sussman, a Manhattan psychiatrist. “People who tend to be strict in their tipping are not cheap, they may just be more secure.”

Most of the specifics of Christmas tipping, however, are decided by individuals making their own rules as they go along, guided by feelings that range from generosity to a sense of obligation to a fear of retribution.

Some, for example, think of a tip as a way to give thanks. “I'm more likely to give Christmas bonuses to people I have a personal relationship with, people who have gone out of their way for me,” said Debra Goldberg, a Connecticut writer.

Others see a tip as a bribe of sorts. “I value that table by the window,” said one businessman, who plans to give $150 to the maître d'hôtel of the Four Seasons to insure that he gets his prized table all next year.

Still others see a tip as protection of another kind. “A friend of mine in the houseware business tipped his doorman with a set of kitchen counter canisters,” said Miss Burg. “Then he wondered why he was the only one in the building getting robbed.”

And then there are those who do not tip at all. “I had my last haircut on Dec. 6, I'll have my next one in the middle of January because I can’t deal with a Christmas tip,” said Joy Marcus, a New York University law student.

In short, as many tips can change hands this time of year as there are encounters in a day and for as many reasons. Doormen, superintendents and other personnel often receive tips, as do garage attendants, newspaper boys, gardeners, deliverymen and housekeepers. It is against the law to give gifts to postal workers but many get them nonetheless. Employees receive money from their employers, but the gift is called a Christmas bonus. And employees give gifts to their bosses as well; then it is usually called a Christmas present.

One Long Island doctor gives a bonus to all the employees in his office (from $100 to a week’s salary, depending upon how long they have worked there), the postman (“I know I'm not supposed to but I give him $25 anyway”), the two men who deliver supplies to his office ($5 each), the newspaper boys ($5 each), the sanitation department ($25 to be divided as they wish), the hairdresser who cuts the entire family’s hair (a gift worth about $25) and the woman who makes appointments at the hairdresser ($10). The bill adds up, he says, but, now that his children are grown, at least he no longer has to give something to the school bus driver and to all their teachers.

Gweno Mattes, in contrast, is just beginning to tip the bus driver and the schoolteacher. Her son, Dylan, is 7 years old and attends the United Nations International School. The parents of the 10 children at his bus stop have collected a fund for the driver, and his teacher gets a present as well. “He's very fussy about what he gives her,” Mrs. Mattes said. “He wants it to be the best present in the class.” Last year the gift was a bottle of champagne and some Danish cookies, and this year’s present has not been determined yet. “It’s always a gift, not money,” Mrs. Mattes said. “You can’t give money to a teacher.”

Therein lies the annual problem: to give cash or to give creatively.

“The business world runs on money,” said Judith Martin. “If you do a good job, do you want your boss to go out and buy you a sweater you don't need?”

To help tenants give money, many buildings, particularly large ones, distribute lists of personnel. One Lincoln Plaza, for example, lists 40 names, from security men to elevator operators to office secretaries, along with the length of time each person has worked at the building. There is a locked box in the lobby, and tenants can either submit envelopes for individual workers or a larger amount to be divided equally among the staff. The usual gift per person runs from $10 to $40. In smaller buildings the tip would be more, from $20 to $50 in each employees' envelope.

Other people who often receive cash tips are restaurant employees (the equivalent of an average bill to be divided among the service staff as a whole, with something extra, from $10 to $50 depending upon the prices of the restaurant, for the maître d'hôtel and the bartender), parking garage staff (between $20 to $50 to be divided among the staff), hairdressers (roughly the cost of one visit or a gift worth that amount), house cleaners (the equivalent of one month's pay) and newspaper boys and girls (about $5).

Many people, however, are uncomfortable giving an envelope filled with impersonal green money.

“I prefer to give gifts instead of giving cash,” Mrs. Goldberg said. “Then it somehow comes under the heading of a Christmas present rather than a tip.”

Last year, those gifts included a mink coat given to the owner of a hair salon and a diamond ring to a travel agent. A Manhattan couple gave their live-in nanny a fur jacket. “Something practical, not sable or anything,” said Linda Lee, the personal shopper at Macy's who helped select the coat. “She had been with the family for 20 years. She had raised their three children.”

In a more practical realm, robes and lingerie, she said, are a popular gift for housekeepers, and fresh food, such as a whole side of smoked salmon or a tin of caviar, are good gifts for anyone. It is common for bosses and secretaries to get each other scarfs, gloves, leather goods and umbrellas, she said.

Lenore Valery, for example: “I don't give cash, it's crass,” said Miss Valery, owner of a facial salon, who once presented a ribbon-ringed bouquet of small umbrellas to a member of her staff who was always buying the items and misplacing them. The card read: “For the woman who has everything, but keeps losing it.”

Other people give gifts rather than cash because it is all they can afford - a $10 gift is less expensive to give than a $20 bill; homemade presents are the least expensive gifts of all.

Nancy Conroy and Barclay Leib were married this summer and plan to give Christmas cookies and cash to the superintendent and the handyman in their building on the East Side: tollhouse cookies and, if they have extra time, sugar cookies with colored sprinkles. “It's a good supplement,” Miss Conroy said. “It makes the tip seem bigger.”

Then, as if hearing her own words and wondering if they would be quite as convincing to her superintendent, she asked, “It's O.K. to do it this way, isn't it?” – By Lisa Belkin for the NYT, 1984

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Japanese Etiquette Shines at World Cup

Etiquipedia feels it’s a sad commentary on sporting fans that every few years, news articles about the cleanliness of Japanese fans (and Japanese athletes in the locker rooms!) cleaning up their area of the stands, can cause such astonishment on social media. — “Japanese fans STILL clean up the stadium after their match despite the heartbreak of seeing their side lose 3-2 in the last minute” - Mail Online

In 2015, Online Magazine Tone Deaf printed these headlines “The Aftermath Of This Aussie Music Festival Last Weekend Is Revolting”. Why? Aussies failed in a big way to clean up their rubbish after weekend long festivals leaving the environment not as they found it. A significant contrast to the fans and players at the 2022 FIFA World Cup held in Qatar.

MailOnline wrote: “Japanese fans STILL clean up the stadium after their match despite the heartbreak of seeing their side lose 3-2 in the last minute”. It is simply amazing to see a country's people to be tidy, neat and clean and even after defeat. What propels this nation to be so environmentally conscience and stand out from the crowd?

It has been said that cleanliness in Japan was noted in historical texts pertaining to the government in the book called the Engishiki - Procedures of the Engi Era. A book written about 927 A.D. about the laws and customs that governed people of that time period. These volumized works spoke about religious practices, governance and regulations.

Generated over time came practices from palaces, Buddhist temples and Shinto shrines, and everyday households in December and January devoted to cleaning the house in readiness for the new year and the positive things it may bring. Noted observations from Sir Rutherford Alcock, the first British diplomatic representative to live in Japan, the son of the physician and himself a surgeon discovered whilst serving in Japan from 1858, that the Japanese favoured order and relished cleanliness. This would have tickled the diplomats fancy understanding a correlation between cleanliness and the body.

From childhood, the Japanese are trained at school age. They are not only taught that cleaning is essential but it is also practised in class as a daily routine. Children must clean, dust and pick up litter daily and weekly. The result is homes and businesses being kept clean. Not only are the children involved, but prefectures throughout Japan will have selected days for their citizens to do a clean-up day, not only to tidy up, but to act as a bonding experience for its residents. 

Homeowners, in the early mornings from 7 am onwards, will be seen brushing up leaves to keep the streets presentable, and at the end of a long hard day, a truckie's job is to wash down their truck meticulously, to be shine for the subsequent day of work ahead. 

 The Shinkansen, the name of the famous Japanese bullet train, has a specialised cleaning time called the TESSI. Their crack team can scrupulously clean and prep each train in seven minutes from start to finish. So, the Japanese are sticklers for cleanliness and order.

After Japan’s defeat to Belgium, media took snapshots of the Japanese fans consciously picking up discarded fan paraphernalia and food wrappers and placing them in a blue rubbish liners, cleaning the stadium, not even waiting for other fans to leave as they walked up and down the aisles. These snaps of fans cleaning before departing, naturally went viral to an astonished world of social media . Even though the Japanese soccer team lost, Japan can be proud of fans and players alike for their excellent attitude. — By Etiquipedia Contributor Elizabeth Soos

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of the Patriarch Ball

This is in itself not original with the “Four Hundred” —vulgar term!—but was copied from the St. Cecilia, the most exclusive affair of the kind in aristocratic Charleston, where it has existed since the days of the Revolution.

In every city there is an assembly or dancing organization on the lines of the Patriarchs and Matriarchs in New York. This is in itself not original with the “Four Hundred” —vulgar term!—but was copied from the St. Cecilia, the most exclusive affair of the kind in aristocratic Charleston, where it has existed since the days of the Revolution. 

The assemblies proper in New York are called the Matriarchs. The arrangements are in the hands of a number of fashionable women instead of men. The plan of all these organizations is practically the same. In order to make matters easy and to pilot my reader through the intricacies of a fashionable ball, I will suppose that he is a stranger in New York, with some smart friends, and that he is going either to the Patriarchs’ or to the Assembly. The rules laid down will hold good for other cities. 

Your first intimation may be while visiting at the house of one of the patrons or patronesses, when your hostess or host may ask you if you would like to go to the Assembly or the Patriarchs’. If you have no other engagement for that evening—and I think it would be policy for you to make others subservient to this—you should reply that you would be delighted to do so. Your host or hostess will then say that he or she will send you a ticket. This may be one way, or you may receive a note asking if you are free for that particular date, whether “would you like to go to the Assembly?” etc., or again, you might simply receive a note with a ticket. 

In any one of these cases, just as soon as you receive the ticket you must answer your correspondent immediately, accepting, or, if you can not go, regretting and returning it. You must remember that all tickets are personal and each Patriarch or each patroness has only a certain number. — From The Complete Bachelor, Manners for Men, 1896

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Food Fit for a 15th C. King

A noble boke off cookry ffor a prynce houssolde or eny other estately houssholde : reprinted verbatim from a rare ms. in the Holkham collection. – abebooks.com

The Noble Boke of Cookry:

 What a King had for dinner in the 15th Century

It is very satisfactory to know that in the reign of Edward IV., toward the close of the fifteenth century, the last of the house of York lived in a time when good eating was fully appreciated. There has just been exhumed in England a notable work, more precious to the classical gastronomist than the Domesday Book or all the rest of the old chronicles. This is nothing more nor less than the “Noble Boke of Cookry,” which tells of the feastings and junketings in the reign of Edward.


They had in those times a majestic way of doing things. Now, in our puny, matter-of-fact epoch, when Queen Victoria feasts at Windsor, her Majesty may be quite indifferent as to whether she eats her slice of bacon from the entire pig or not. When Edward was Monarch nothing but the whole hog sufficed. It was one of the points of culinary etiquette that for the “Kynge” or Lord, the entire animal, bird, or fish should be served. A commoner might have dished up before him and portion, like in our cheap restaurants of to-day, but before the mighty ruler it was the whole of the thing cooked that had to be presented or nothing at all. 

Now this Boke of Cookry is devoted to the menus of certain feasts, and just as to-day we use French names for things so did they adopt them. The best efforts of our decorative cooks would pall before the wonderful creations of those days. Here is a piece montée which appeared perhaps at the installation of Nevell, Archbishop of York end Chaunceler of England: ”A brod custad with a castell therin with a stuf in the castell of a gille and the demon in the myddes bringing a doctur to suttlote in a pulpit in clothing of crene tabard and hood with a rolle on his bed, wrytin theron “in deo salutare meo.” 

To eat the demon, in those days, must have been, indeed, an archiepiscopal triumph. This particular feast must have been a very grand one, for the description of it occupies not less than 12 pages. The Antiquary tells us that it consisted of a whole series of feasts, all of three courses, but as to wise method in these Courses none seems apparent. Every possible kind of fish, beast, and bird made its appearance. The menus of the month, which are printed in modern cook-books, have their precedents. 

Here is one entitled, Seruys in the monthe of Janyuarie: Braun and mustard; nombles to potage; pestelles of pork, and swans, martyns to potage, pigge pelle, lambe, cony, doucet of fritturs, and appilles." For a household during the same month, the following is presented for their consideration: “Ffurrcente to potage, with renyson, beef, mutton, swan, and pigge, martins to potage, vels, lamb, cony, and wilde fowle, birdes, and fritturs.’” Now, here is 2 regular first course, such as King Edward's mouth probably watered for. – The New York Times, 1881

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Post WWI Fashions for Thoroughbreds

There is something about the rundown heel that is taken by most folk as an earmark of slovenliness and the well set up, well cared for shoe, in the eyes of most folk, indicates a thoroughbred man or woman about as soon as any thing. Well bred persons always avoid wearing muddy or wet shoes into the house. If rubbers are worn they should be removed on the porch or in the vestibule, even when only a short call is to be made. Muddy shoes may be cleaned on the doormat before entering the house. there is something about the rundown heel that is taken by most folk as an earmark of slovenliness and the well set up, well cared for shoe, in the eyes of most folk, indicates a thoroughbred man or woman about as soon as any thing. 

“A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.”—Publius Syrus

For both men and women heavier shoes are coming into favor. The war has had something to do with this, for the man in khaki is, for the time being the beau deal of masculinity and the man in khaki wears stout shoes. For the past few seasons women of all classes have worn shoes for the street that in other years would have been worn only by very silly or ill bred women. And now the pendulum is swinging back again ami already women who lead in matters of fashion have returned to the street shoe for street wear. This means a straight, medium or low heel and a sole that is of far thickness. 

We are always favorably impressed by the young woman who wears smart but sensible, well cared for shoes for business or the street, if one could hope to wear high heeled shoes without having the heels run over and grow wobbly when worn day after day in the office or about the house then the vogue for that dainty sort of footgear might have continued But there is something about the rundown heel that is taken by most folk as an earmark of slovenliness and the well set up, well cared for shoe, in the eyes of most folk, indicates a thoroughbred man or woman about as soon as any thing. 

Well bred persons always avoid wearing muddy or wet shoes into the house. If rubbers are worn they should be removed on the porch or in the vestibule, even when only a short call is to be made. Muddy shoes may be cleaned on the doormat before entering the house. I once knew a farmer’s wife who said that the hardest thing she had to endue in life was the fact that her husband would insist on wearing his muddy boots into the kitchen. No matter how carefully she cleaned the house it was sure to be tracked with mud and dust daily and as a result she was worrying herself ill over what scented to be merely a slight fault on the part of her husband. 

Had that husband possessed instinctive good breeding he would have made a point of cleaning his boots or of changing them in the vestibule for house slippers. Had he been visiting the home of a wealthy relative in the city he would not have thought of tracking in mud from the street, he would have known that was rude. But because he and his wife were off on a farm ten miles from the nearest railroad and ate their meals in the kitchen he thought there was no need to show courtesy. That is where the farmer was very much mistaken, for there is just as much need for “good manners” as in a country farmhouse or shack as in marble hulls. Perhaps in a generation more we shall be more particular in this matter of tracking outside mud and dust into our houses. 

In countries of the orient it would be regarded as the height of rudeness not to leave the shoes in the vestibule, and either wear slippers or go in the stocking feet. In one of the largest department stores recently built in Tokyo, with all the ear marks of a thriving American department store, customers check their shoes at the door and would consider it boorish to do otherwise. Careful people everywhere avoid tracking mud into the house. Considerate home guests always exchange street shoes for house shoes if they are to be indoors for any length of time. 

In most homes it is enough for a man to exchange street shoes for comfortable slippers or Oxfords when he is home, but in more formal establishments, easy slippers would be reserved only for ore’s room or for bachelor quarters. In that case, pumps would be considered the correct indoor evening footwear. – Mary Marshall Duffee, 1917

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Etiquette of Sporks

A silver ice cream fork used with a ramekin dish and matching under plate. Ice cream forks are in the spoon-fork combo family. They are also known as “sporks.” Other similar combination antiques were for eating terrapin and eating from ramekins.

“Ice cream forks are not the only table implements that combine a bowl with prongs. You could pass these off as terrapin forks.

What’s that? Your guests don’t want to eat a gelatinous mass embedded with turtle parts? Miss Manners will try again.

They could be used as ramekin forks. And you don’t even have to catch a ramekin. That can consist of anything baked into an individual dish, such as eggs with breadcrumbs, cheese, bits of meat, whatever you choose. A souffle, if you wish. Or you could enjoy your ice cream, and set out in pursuit of specialized terrapin and ramekin forks. Miss Manners would understand.” – Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners, on ramekin forks and other ‘sporks’ in 2013

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Etiquette of Where to Meet

A young man ought never to set a time for such a rendezvous at an hour when he is not sure to be free. He should always strive to be at the appointed place in advance of the time set, so that the young girl will not be the one kept waiting. The young woman, on the other hand, while she should not keep the young man waiting, should not arrive ahead of time.

“A bad beginning makes a bad ending.” –Euripides

ACCORDING to strict etiquette, of course, a young man, if he has an appointment with a young woman, meets her at her own home, and escorts her from thence to their destination. He does not suggest that she meet him at the corner drug store or that they make their rendezvous a park bench under a certain tree or the lobby of a certain hotel or the public library reading room or a railroad station waiting room.

However, for practical purposes this rule cannot always be carried out. The busy young man, who works at some distance from the residence section town, sometimes finds that he is quite. unable to take the time needed to go to a young woman's home and then accompany her to the theater or party as they have planned. There is then no very sensible reason why he should not feel free to ask the young woman to meet him half way. That is, of course, unless they are members of the ultra formal society in which such a thing would be looked upon askance. There is nothing inherently ill-bred about it. 

Then, too, the young woman and young man who work in the same neighborhood often find it convenient to meet each other after business hours for dinner or the theater. It would be absurd to insist that they have to meet then in the young woman's home. But one or two simple rules ought to be observed in this matter of meeting outside of one's own home. A young man ought never to set a time for such a rendezvous at an hour when he is not sure to be free. He should always strive to be at the appointed place in advance of the time set, so that the young girl will not be the one kept waiting. The young woman, on the other hand, while she should not keep the young man waiting, should not arrive ahead of time.

It is never in good form to make your rendezvous a hotel lobby or reception room unless you are planning to have luncheon or dinner there. There are some people, to be sure, who make use of the hotels in this way, but it is in rather poor taste. Even when planning to meet a young woman for luncheon or dinner at a hotel it is better to arrange to meet her in the reception room than in the lobby where she must, usually walk or stand or at least encounter something of a crowd. —By Mary Marshall Duffee, for McClure Newspaper Syndicate, 1923

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Social Etiquette for Deep Mourning

Although persons in mourning should not be invited to dinner parties or luncheons, they should always receive invitations to weddings and large receptions, graduations and coming out parties as a matter of courtesy and not with the idea that they should be accepted.

What Readers Ask: “I am in deep mourning, and recently I received cards for a large reception to be given by the woman in my set who is regarded more or less as the leader socially. Wasn’t this an oversight or a breach of etiquette on her part?” 

Not in the least. The rule is that, although persons in mourning should not be invited to dinner parties or luncheons, they should always receive invitations to weddings and large receptions, graduations and coming out parties as a matter of courtesy and not with the idea that they should be accepted. The person in mourning generally does not send cards in answer to these courtesies. – Mary Marshall Duffee, 1917

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Wedding Invitation Etiquette

 

What Readers Ask: “I am to be married the end of this month and my mother says that, as a matter of war time economy, she thinks we can get along without engraved invitations. Still, I am to be married in church and am to have about fifty guests all of whom, are to be invited to a little breakfast after the wedding. Won’t you write and tell us that engraved invitations are necessary so that my mother will see her mistake? She doesn’t seem to think I know.” 

I am sorry for your sake that I cannot say that the invitations must be engraved. At formal weddings they are usually engraved but there is not the least reason in the world why personal notes written, by your mother would not answer the purpose. Of course, the invitations should come from her and not from you and if she would rather write fifty notes in order to save the cost of the engraved invitations for some good war relief work, I think you should be content. 

I recall the case of a young friend of my own whose wedding invitations were written by her mother, although they were persons of really large fortune. They did it in this way because the young girl wanted to invite all her school and college friends rather than friends of her family whom she did not know and the notes were in keeping with the informality of the affair. 

The written notes, to be a success, should be well written, of course, and on white a paper of very good quality. Since they are to be thus informal it is better to word them informally— not using the third person—and of course they should be sent only to intimate friends of your own or your mother’s, or your fiance’s. – By Mary Marshall Duffee, 1917

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Speed the Parting Guest

The question has arisen as to whether or not it is correct for a hostess to escort a gentleman guest to the door when there are no servants to attend to this duty. This is a problem which depends largely upon circumstances. If the man is a dinner guest, the host should escort him to the door. If he has come to pay an obligatory call, he should be received in the drawing or reception room and the hostess should take leave of him there without going to the door. If he is a young man making a friendly call upon a young woman, it is entirely optional whether or not she takes leave of him at the door. While it is not good form to go to the street door with every gentleman guest who calls, one should bear in mind that circumstances alter cases and that it is better to break a slight rule of etiquette than hurt the feelings of someone who is sensitive. Elderly men and old friends of the family should be accompanied to the street door– others may be accompanied to the drawing-room door or street door, as considered most appropriate. – Lillian Eichler

“Let us take a ceremonious leave, And loving farewell of our several friends.” —Shakespeare

When a guest in your house rises to leave it is not a good form to detain him. Either to urge him to stay or to detain him by extending the conversation, is not really considerate. If you accompany your friend to the door —and this you or one of your household should do whenever it is possible—do not start a new subject of conversation that would make it necessary for the caller to linger in the hall. If the call has been a formal call of courtesy between two women who are not very intimate, it is enough to say something like this: “It has been a great pleasure for me to see you, Mrs. Smith.” 

It is usual to shake hands with the guest as she says good-bye. To stand chatting in an open door after a guest has started to go is in bad form, even in the most simple of households. It is only courteous that you should see that your guest is seated so long as she is making her call, so if you detain her after she is risen, you are keeping her standing, and that is not considerate. If the call is one of condolence or congratulation it is courteous when saying good-bye to thank the caller for her kindness in calling. 

If the caller is an intimate friend it is courteous to ask her to call again, but to do this when the call is formal and simply one of the so called “call of courtesy,” would show ignorance of the laws of etiquette. For it would then not be the caller’s place to call again till after she had called on or entertained her. On saying good-bye at the close of a call it is never necessary to shake hands with any but your host and hostess. To shake hands with all members and guests of the family present is sometimes very awkward, especially when guests are departing from a party of any sort.– By Mary Marshall Duffee, 1917

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“Prinking” in Public is Bad Habit

Some women might like to have revived that custom of 200 years ago when beaux used to attend their women friends at their toilet table, but there is no charm or coquetry about seeing a woman wield a powder puff or lipstick in public. There was some artifice about the ladies of 200 years ago. For they had taken an hour at their dressing table to make ready for their dressing. Their maids had thoroughly made them, up and the hair had been labored with to produce the desired effect of charming disarray. Then, too, the men of those days left a renewed interest —and so, too, would the men of today if the custom were revived— in the fact that they were seeing something that all the world might not see—there was something a little risqué about chatting to a lady in her boudoir, even though it was sanctioned by conventional etiquette. 

“There is a time for some things and a time for all things; a time for great things, and a time for small things.”—Cervantes

Grandmother used to think its shockingly bad manners for a woman to put on her gloves after she had left her own front door. They should, not only be on, but all buttoned up by the time she started forth. What would the gentle old soul think if she could see the girls of this day who not only put on their gloves after they have left their homes, but adjust their veils by the nearest penny-in-the-slot chewing gum vendor, tuck up their stray locks with “invisible” hairpins taken from their handbags, and, anywhere or at any time that their little mirror in the top of their bags prompts them to do so, powder their noses and chins regardless of spectators? 

Of course, the young woman with what we call the finer instinct does not do these things, but the practice of “prinking” in public is by no means confined to the class of women who are usually not regarded as lacking in manners. I have seen many a woman, when the lights were partly down at the theater or the opera, surreptitiously pull a powder puff from her opera bag and, with a skilled stroke, efface any effect that the warmth may have had on her perfect makeup. One thing is certain and that is that no man ever enjoys seeing women of his acquaintance perform these little rites of the toilet table in public. 

Some women might like to have revived that custom of 200 years ago when beaux used to attend their women friends at their toilet table, but there is no charm or coquetry about seeing a woman wield a powder puff or lipstick in public. There was some artifice about the ladies of 200 years ago. For they had taken an hour at their dressing table to make ready for their dressing. Their maids had thoroughly made them, up and the hair had been labored with to produce the desired effect of charming disarray. Then, too, the men of those days left a renewed interest —and so, too, would the men of today if the custom were revived— in the fact that they were seeing something that all the world might not see—there was something a little risqué about chatting to a lady in her boudoir, even though it was sanctioned by conventional etiquette. 

But with all the world and his wife looking on when your lady fair powders her nose or publicly acknowledges her own poor, health or lack of vitality by applying rouge to cheeks or carmine to lips, what can you—mere man—do but pray that some kind fate might give her the gift to see herself as others see her? – By Mary Marshall Duffee, 1917

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How to Acquire Manners

Though Lincoln was brought up in the simplest, rudest of homes, he possessed that innate courtesy and considerateness upon which all good manners are based. Though he may not have had good table manners when he first went out in the world, he did have that characteristic that is the basis of all good table manners —a desire not to offend those with whom he was brought in social contact. 

“Men are polished, through act and speech, each by each, 

As pebbles are smoothed on the rolling beach.” —Trowbridge

To attempt to appear well-bred when one has been brought up without breeding would be sheer affectation. Such is the opinion of some persons who regard good manners as the exclusive property of those who belong to families where social amenities are well established. And some persons go so far as to say that the person who has not been taught good manners in childhood never can appear well-bred, since good breeding is just what the word implies— good birth and good bringing up. This argument is refuted best by the many examples of men in public life in America, who have come from rude homes and have acquired almost faultless manners. 

To accuse Abraham Lincoln either of affectation or lack of loyalty for his simple childhood home would be absurd. To imagine that there was time or opportunity for “foolish manners” in that little backwoods cabin would also be a stretch of the imagination. And yet the mature Lincoln’s manners and good breeding were almost flawless; for no man could do the courteous thing more graciously than he, no man could put those with whom he associated more at ease in even the slightest transaction than he, and few men have ever been able by a word or gesture so thoroughly to bridge over a trying situation as did Lincoln. This is how it came about. 

Though Lincoln was brought up in the simplest, rudest of homes, he possessed that innate courtesy and considerateness upon which all good manners are based. Though he may not have had good table manners when he first went out in the world, he did have that characteristic that is the basis of all good table manners —a desire not to offend those with whom he was brought in social contact. 

The boorish self-made man feels that it is a matter of affectation to eat in any other manner than that to which he was accustomed in childhood. The man like Lincoln quickly notes the ways of the world and, lest the crude manners of the cabin might offend, he adopts the new. The young Lincoln might not have known the correct etiquette for introducing a man to a woman of his acquaintance, but he possessed that innate courtesy toward women that is the basis of all good manners between men and women. Because he had this, he learned quickly the world’s way of showing courtesy to women. 

Good manners are not only earmarks of good family and good rearing. We do not follow the laws of etiquette merely because we want others to think that we have been brought up with a certain amount of leisure and care that our parents have enjoyed prosperity and cultivation and that our ancestors were early colonists of the land. If that were the reason, we sought to be well bred, then it might be affectation. But etiquette is the system of conduct that has been built up, bit by bit, as the best means of carrying on social intercourse. 

The man who has been brought up among ill-mannered folk does not, on mingling with better bred persons, give up eating with his knife because he wants to delude them into thinking that he is an aristocrat, but because eating with the fork is most convenient and appropriate and if he did not do it, he would offend others and attract attention to his own peculiarities. – By Mary Marshall Duffee, 1917

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Wagers and Etiquette of the Sexes

If you felt that it was wrong for your daughter in college to stake a “batch” of fudge versus a pound of chocolates with her roommate’s brother as to the marks she was to receive at mid- year examinations or even theater tickets over the outcome of a basketball game between the “Freshs and the Sophs,” then the chances are that you would look with disfavor on your son when he staked a goodly share of his next month’s allowance on the next football game.

No Impropriety in Small Wagers

“That makes the good and bad of manners, namely what helps or hinders fellowship.” -Emerson

“Lay no wagers with a gentleman and have no philopenas with them,” cautions a “behavior book,” in wide circulation half a century ago. “In betting with a lady it is customary for a gentleman to pay whether he wins or loses. No delicate and refined female ever bets at all. It always reminds gentlemen of the race course or gambling table.

That many have been very good advice for women fifty years ago, when most women really wanted to be looked upon as “delicate and refined females,” but it would be as absurd for the girl of today to act upon that advice as to wear hoop skirts and to affect a modesty that made it appear indecorous to show more than the toe or at most the instep— beneath those encumbering petticoats.

Sensible and well bred girls of today feel that they have done nothing indescreet in laying small wagers. If they do object to it it is a matter of principle rather than of etiquette. No sane person would consider a girl as ill bred just because she stakes a pound of candy on the outcome of an election or a football game. 

Though the fairness and desirability of equal suffrage is still a moot question among many persons, there are few who lament the fact that the tendency in manners today is toward equality among the sexes. The same characteristic of betting that might make it in bad form for women would also make it in bad form for men. 

If you felt that it was wrong for your daughter in college to stake a “batch” of fudge versus a pound of chocolates with her roommate’s brother as to the marks she was to receive at mid- year examinations or even theater tickets over the outcome of a basketball game between the “Freshs and the Sophs,” then the chances are that you would look with disfavor on your son when he staked a goodly share of his next month’s allowance on the next football game.

The man nowadays who “pays whether he loses or not” is regarded as a poor sport, or at least rather old fashioned. A girl with spirit would never wish to lay a wager with that sort of old school gentleman and she might quite naturally be a little offended if, after he had fairly won a bet, he refused to accept the stake.

Needless to say the girl who bets in season and out and who habitually suggests laying wagers is tire-some and troublesome to her friends. And since, anything that binders the smooth running of friendship is an act of bad manners she is herself ill bred.

For the sake of Mrs. Grundy, may I add that the rule that limits the gifts a young woman may receive from a young man to flowers, books and candy and taboos any article of clothing, ought to be considered in connection with this question of wagers. It is really better— and any sensible girl will agree with me, I am sure —not to suggest such things as hats, silk stockings and gloves or other apparel as the stake for a bet with a man outside of her own family. 

A girl of independent spirit does not like to give any man the satisfaction— if indeed he takes any satisfacton in it— of feeling that he has assisted in the purchase of her wardrobe. That it seems to me is a matter of common sense and not of arbitrary etiquette.— By Mary Marshall Duffee, 1917

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia