Etiquette and Finding “Good Help”

It has always been a ludicrous fiction that servants were deaf and blind to what was going on around them, and people who envy the household staff of bygone eras might reflect on what they did to privacy. There may have been fewer attempts to publish the family secrets then, although that was not unknown, but instances blackmail, from the gentle variety to the blatant, were plentiful. —Image of Douglas Sills, left, Michael Cerveris, Celia Keenan-Bolger and Kelley Curran in a scene from HBO's “The Gilded Age,” by Alison Cohen Rosa/HBO

DEAR MISS MANNERS - I have just been engaged as a maid in an exceedingly aristocratic household. I suspect it is true that “Good help is hard to find nowadays,” since I got the position without having had any previous experience. I think my false letters of recommendation may have assisted in this; at any rate, many uncomfortable moments have arisen from my lack of expertise. Most recently, my employer — who is rather eccentric, comme tout le Beau Monde, n'est pas? — insisted on introducing me to one of her visitors, a young woman who, according to the newspaper, is heir to $50 million. This heiress greeted me pleasantly, but didn't offer to shake my hand. I just smiled and clutched my dust-mop. Should I have offered my own hand? I would very much appreciate an answer to this and any suggestions you might have for my success in the domestic service. I want to stay hired at least until I have enough material for a novel entitled “The Dust-Mop May Eavesdrop.”

 

P.S. In all fairness, I think you should also include some advice for my employer. Thank you.

GENTLE READER - Miss Manners’ advice to your employer is: Watch out. You’re welcome. 

It has always been a ludicrous fiction that servants were deaf and blind to what was going on around them, and people who envy the household staff of bygone eras might reflect on what they did to privacy. There may have been fewer attempts to publish the family secrets then, although that was not unknown, but instances of blackmail, from the gentle variety to the blatant, were plentiful. Nevertheless, that fiction served the dignity of both employer and employee. If nothing is officially observed by the servant, then there is no need for commenting about what is going on —which always leads to trouble. — Judith Martin, aka “Miss Manners,” 1982

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J .Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia