Sociability and Etiquette

They can live in the same town for years and not speak to each other. Why? Perhaps because they have never gone through the formality of an introduction. Is this not carrying etiquette too far? Is this not an instance where culture defeats itself? Is this not a case where civilisation is worse than barbarism ? What good purpose can it serve for two peoplo who know each other’s names and occupation to pass each other on the street and pretend by their far away looks that they are strangers? 

Are human beings as sociable as they should be? Is there not room for more real friendliness among all classes? I do not mean the sociability that exhausts itself in making fashionable calls. That is sociability gone to seed. I mean the sociability that constrains us to speak kind words and do helpful services for any man or woman who lives in town with us. I mean the sociability that prompts us to be agreeable in whatever company of neighbors we find ourselves. A horse will answer to the whinny of another horse, though they are entire strangers to each other. The birds answer the twitter of other birds and the sheep respond to the bleating of other sheep that come to join them on the mountain side.

With human beings however it is different. They can live in the same town for years and not speak to each other. Why? Perhaps because they have never gone through the formality of an introduction. Is this not carrying etiquette too far? Is this not an instance where culture defeats itself? Is this not a case where civilisation is worse than barbarism ? What good purpose can it serve for two peopleAl C who know each other’s names and occupation to pass each other on the street and pretend by their far away looks that they are strangers? 

How much ice is imported into social life when we rub against each other in homes or churches or halls and yet never speak? If there must be “sets” in society, why do they not keep apart ? Surely it would be better to keep apart than to come together and yet not mingle. Moral culture and “physical culture” as our new teachers delight to call the “Delsarte work” we all need. Christ was a mystery. Delsarte was a genius. If we are not careful, however, we will learn both systems so imperfectly that we will become formal. Formality in itself is ice-cream, without the cream. 

The cream and the eggs are spoiled and even if the ice tastes of salt, I would rather have a neighbor shake hands with me in an awkward fashion and exhibit his true friendship, than have the most exquisite bow from a rich person if he meant to give me nothing but the bow. Let him keep that for those who are willing to toady to him! Christ is not to blame for those who allow their morality to make them “stand-offish.” Delsarte ia not to blame for those who allow tbeir “physical culture” to make them formal. Both grace of form and expression are right enough in their place but they are absurd where there is no grace of heart. 

If an elegant person has no true kindness, his elegance only serves to show that he is a skeleton. When the skeleton shakes hands with you it is beautifully done, but a shiver runs down your bones. You feel yourself in the company of death. When it shows himself out, you feel glad. Etiquette is all right. Education whether it is physical or moral is all right too. The fault is in ourselves if they make us artificial. The truly educated person will know when to lay aside the strict roles of etiquette and act the true man, especially with his neighbor. 

The man whose education is all on the outside will continue to be formal, odd, stiff, starchy. His very formality will declare the defect in his education. If you cannot possibly thaw him out, let him drift on and by and by he may find the north pole. Better the friendship of those who, if they lack the form, have the substance or beautiful things in their hearts, and whose sweetness and love will remind us that somewhat of Eden still lingers on the earth. – Rev. J. George Gibson, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia