That was No “Lady,” Sir!

 

When speaking of females one has encountered while out and about, please keep mindful of the fact that the terms “Lady” and “ Woman,” just like the terms “Men” and “Gentlemen”— are not always synonymous.
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“There are many good chances wasted by lack of promptness and businesslike habits, also by the inability to take up new ideas.” from ‘The Lady Magazine,’ on ‘How to Live,’ 1903
—Photo source, Pinterest 

No True “Lady” Would Indulge in Such Bad Manners

Not long ago, a resident of New York went into the post office in that city to procure a money order. As there were half a dozen persons ahead of him he naturally awaited his turn, although he was in a great hurry, as most New Yorkers try to make themselves believe they always are. The other prospective customers of Uncle Sam did not form into line, but herded themselves about the window. When those who were there first had transacted their business, this New Yorker, considering that his turn had arrived, stepped to the window to be served. What happened at this juncture, he relates in these words:

“Just as I was about to enter my application, a lady, who had just come, crowded past several people who had been waiting, as I had, and calmly shoved her application in before mine. I told her as politely as I could that I had been waiting there at least fifteen minutes and thought that, seeing I was in a great hurry, I should have precedence before her, whereupon she told me I was the rudest man she had ever seen, and besides went into a long discourse concerning the manners of modern men. I, nevertheless, held to my point and saw that I was served first.” After having cooled off he asks: “Was I right In doing so?” He thinks he was, but to satisfy himself on the ethics of the case, he has asked, through the New York Times, that others express their opinions regarding his course of action. 

We are genuinely surprised that any man who has long enjoyed the refining social advantages of the peerless town upon the historic Hudson; who has knocked elbows with the descendants of Diedrich Knickerbocker; who has been privileged to gaze upon the sacred person of a descendant of the famous game-leged governor of New Amsterdam; who, perhaps, may have enjoyed the more than a bowing acquaintance with the creator of that justly prized appendage which in a later day wrought the undoing of the distinguished mollycoddle from Indiana; who certainly must have read more or less of the newspaper condensations of the work of the illustrious Ward McAllister, entitled “How to Behave After You Have Succeeded in Breaking In” — we are surprised, aye, we are astounded that there should have arisen any doubt as to the channel into which this anxious inquirer should have diverted his behavior.

Under any and all circumstances this New Yorker, whose appeal for enlightenment indicates his gross ignorance of the commonest laws of etiquette as they relate to social intercourse between ladies and gentlemen, should have.

Avaunt there! The Herald narrowly escaped committing itself! It retreats in time! It seeks further enlightenment, more definite evidence, before it dare to pass judgment.

This New Yorker has not been fair. He has tried to trip us. He is paradoxical, equivocal, deceitful — we may be pardoned, we trust, for suggesting the possibility that he has innocently perpetrated an untruth, lacking the antecedent intention to deceive.

He says: “A lady who had just come crowded past several people who had been waiting.”

Impossible. No “lady” would ever “crowd past several people who had been waiting.” Our friend from New York needs one of two things: A new pair of spectacles or a new lexicon.— Los Angeles Herald, 1907

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

One Definition of Etiquette Enthusiasts

Caricature of Amercian lawyer and socialite Ward McAllister as “Snobbish Society's Schoolmaster.” Library of Congress description: “Caricature of Ward McAllister (1855-1908) as ‘an ass’ telling Uncle Sam he must imitate ‘an English Snob of the 19th Century’ or ‘you will nevah be a gentleman’; Uncle Sam is shown laughing heartily.” 
—Public domain image

Etiquette enthusiasts are usually super-sensitive people. “Good form,” in their eyes, is of paramount importance. Ward McAllister is one of these. The extremes of etiquette enthusiasm and of superficiality, usually go hand in hand. Frequently, the less a man knows the more enthusiastic is he over the punctilious observance of what is vulgarly known as “good form.’’ 

Active, intelligent men are too busy with the serious affairs of life to devote much thought to the etiquette of enthusiasts. Official life demands much etiquette and its observance is then as commendable as is a good dinner, such as is served at the Hotel Florence, to a hungry guest. — From “Local Intelligence,” the San Diego Bee, 1896

While we Etiquette Enthusiasts at Etiquipedia agree we can at times be super-sensitive, we disagree with the rest of this 19th century take on “Etiquette Enthusiasts.” We think this describes more accurately some working in the field of etiquette who assume the title of “expert,” without having actually attained any expertise.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Confidentiality

 Keeping a Confidential Conversation Private

Knowing when to share a piece of information, and when not to share it, is a life-long learning process.  No one is perfect and we all make mistakes in this regard.

At the same time, to be someone others can count on, you have to know when to keep a confidential conversation to yourself.  If you can't do this, you won't be considered trustworthy, and this can be costly when you think of the friendships and opportunities you may be losing.

How to Know When It's Confidential

You know you're in a confidential conversation when someone says, "This is just between us," "Please don't say anything, but . . ." or, "I can trust you not to tell anyone about this, can't I?"

However, a request for confidentiality is not always verbalized, so it is important to train yourself for mindfulness.  If the person with whom you are speaking changes the tone of or lowers his voice, you are likely to hear something that shouldn't be repeated.

If you're comfortable doing so, ask the person directly if what she is sharing is private.  Or you might just say, "I'll keep this confidential."

In fact, when it comes to sharing information, establishing some ground rules for yourself may be helpful:

• Always consider the information from another person's perspective.  Can the facts be misconstrued at all?
• Never say anything personal about someone unless that person is present, or if you can imagine her standing right next to you.
• Never participate in gossip or harshly delivered messages.
• The Bottom Line Rule of Thumb: if information is revealed that seems in any way personal to someone or his business, never repeat it.
  
  

When a Confidential Conversation Goes Public

What do you do if a friend or co-worker doesn't respect a confidential conversation?  You can always ask the person if he has permission to share what he's telling you.  And if what he's sharing is not professional or friendly, you can stop him and mention that you prefer not to participate.

You might also call for a higher standard of conversation: "John, I know you are a person who doesn't like office gossip, so let's raise the bar here."

When you are the brunt of the conversation, however, it is very difficult not to take it personally.  But try to remain cool, calm, and collected.

After much thought on what you will say, go to the source of the gossip and discuss the situation.  Try and understand, without direct accusation, what the underlying concern is.  It may be that what you told her was misunderstood and then not handled appropriately.

Consider your own behavior and words.  Did you share a confidential conversation with the wrong person?  Someone you shouldn't have trusted?  Or did you share information that wasn't yours to share?

If you were seeking relief by relying on a trusted friend, you probably feel very betrayed if that person did not keep your confidence.  You may need to take a stand with that person and be clear that what is being said (or done) is not appropriate.  Unfortunately, you may also have to accept that it can take time for publicized information to die down.

Communication is Key

Remember, communication is the goal of any conversation.  Having a reason, a purpose, for talking with someone else helps you keep your words aligned with that purpose.  And, hopefully, that purpose is never to spread confidential information.

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Properly Addressing a Prince

According to the self-appointed arbiter of Gilded-Age New York society, Ward McAllister, “Sir” and “Ma’am” were the preferred titles for the Prince of Wales and his wife. Above — Albert, Prince of Wales, who later became King George VII, after the death of his mother, Queen Victoria. 

Princely Etiquette

The Prince of Wales is always addressed, even by his intimate friends, as “Sir.” For example, on approaching him, the etiquette is to say, “Sir, Good morning.” This is followed by one’s continually addressing him as “Sir” on every and all other occasions. The Princess is always addressed as “Ma’am.” Ward McAllister tells us so.— Boston Herald, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Conversation

 The Art of Ending Conversations

Ending conversations can be tricky business.  You don't want to appear rude, but it's time to get away.

Whether it's someone you love speaking with, or a conversation you'd rather not be having anyway - all things must come to an end.  

Time to Hang Up

Phone conversations can be enjoyable, but there are times when they seem to drag on.  At the next pause, tell the person on the other end of the line that you need to go.

End your call with the appropriate "thank you" or arrange a good time to call back.  For a more casual conversation, "I'll call you later" is fine if you really intend to do so.

If there is no pause in the conversation and you just can't bring yourself to listen any longer, break in when it seems least rude and say something like, "I'm so sorry, I do want to have this conversation with you, but I really have to go.  Can we talk later?"

This dialogue is usually enough to free you.  But, as we all know, there are times when you may need to be firm with your request to speak at another time.  Situations vary and, aside from crossing into rude territory, handle them as best, and as friendly, as you can.

Ending Conversations at Parties

You're doing your best to network like a pro.  You've introduced yourself to someone with whom you're enjoying a pleasant exchange.  Now it's time to move on around the room.

There are a few different ways to handle ending conversations like these.

Probably the most polite way is to find someone to leave your new acquaintance with.  Bring another person into your conversation, make your introductions, then tell them, "I'll leave you two to discuss this further.  Please excuse me.  It was a pleasure to meet you, John and Cary."

You have done the good deed of helping your acquaintances network, and given yourself the exit you wanted.  A win-win!

If the person you're speaking with reveals that she knows several people at the gathering, you don't have to feel badly about exercising the option of politely excusing yourself, and moving on.  Leave with a comment about what you enjoyed in the conversation.  "Jane, I enjoyed meeting you and hearing about your new project.  Thank you."

And if you're speaking with someone who is attending for the purpose of networking, you might thank him for stopping to speak with you and encourage him (and yourself) to continue meeting other people.  This actually gives you a common goal and something to follow up on later in the evening or, if you exchanged contact information, on another day.

If you're really having trouble getting away, it's always possible to get a word in edgewise, thank your acquaintance after she finishes a sentence, and say, "It's been great speaking with you, Lily, and maybe we can talk more later on."  Extending your hand to shake hers flows easily into, "Would you please excuse me?  I see someone I need to connect with."

When Out and About

You always run into someone you know when you least expect it.  Unfortunately, it isn't always a good time for a lengthy chat.

Avoid rudeness and acknowledge those you know when you're out and about.  But if you're on your way to an appointment, or would just like to go about your business alone, there's nothing wrong with keeping your encounter as brief as possible.

"Hi, it's good to see you," as you pass by is a good acknowledgement.  If you have the time and the inclination, you could inquire about the person's family, work, or other common ground you share.  

However, if the person you greet looks busy or is with someone else, and you could possibly be interrupting, it's probably best to stay with the shortest greeting above.

Keep it Friendly

Ending a conversation doesn't always come naturally if you're a chatty type.  (I know!) 

There's no need to fear offending anyone as long as you remain friendly, smiling, and genuine.  You can mention looking forward to a next time.

One way to confirm your sincerity is to follow up with people.  Whether you've just met and exchanged business cards or you've been friends for years, call or email them just to say it was good to see them.  Being authentically social doesn't mean being long-winded! 

Even if your conversation ended abruptly, making someone feel important can easily set things right.  In an email you might let the person know that it was great seeing him, and you are so happy to learn that his business is going well.  Extending your best wishes for continued success will always be a welcomed gesture. 

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

“No, Thank You” to Tea Custom

Afternoon tea in New York business houses is not desired, and if it were, it’s introduction would be impossible. We are all hard at work at the British tea time, except our few men of leisure who are frequently hard put to find playmates.– 1912

Whoever suggested the adoption and our embracing of the English custom of 4:00 tea in business offices deserves rebuke. No New Yorkers, no Americans in this degree of latitude or here about, need to stop work and the busiest hours of the day to drink tea. If we are wise, we breakfast lightly, lunch moderately and briefly, and in the evening, dine intelligently and without excess. We need nothing more to eat. 

The London atmosphere is oppressive. Along in the afternoon one who is working there feels the need of some sort of stimulative substance, and tea is better than whiskey and soda. Sensible Americans, we like to think, have got over the habit of drinking whiskey in the daytime, most Americans drink very little at any time. The increased internal revenue receipts indicate the larger wealth of the vastly increased population.

Afternoon tea in New York business houses is not desired, and if it were, it’s introduction would be impossible. We are all hard at work at the British tea time, except our few men of leisure who are frequently hard put to find playmates. If we like, we take it at breakfast instead of coffee. It is a good substitute, but probably the American who uses either or both very moderately is wise. 

We may continue to ape the British fashions in men's dress, but let us avoid the British custom of mixing up tea and business. “Concentration” for the few hours of the working day, as one of our readers declared in a letter printed in this page yesterday, is essential. The lunch “hour” takes an hour and a half of the day. The tea would take another hour. We're not rich enough yet for that sort of wastefulness. — The New York Times, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Troops Learned Cultural Differences

Adopt his table manners and —always with your right hand —dip into the tasty, fluffy green dish called couscous, leaving something in the bowl for the women and children who will be served later. Accept three cups of mint-flavored tea, but never a fourth.Be generous with your cigarettes, it will be much appreciated.

U.S. Troops, When Entering a Yard, Must Call to Women to Put On Their Veils — Told Table Etiquette— 

Should Dip Into Dish of Couscous With Right Hand When Eating With Arabs

WASHINGTON, Dec. 18 — The strict rules of etiquette governing social relations in Africa, particularly as regards the conduct of men toward women, were compressed into a forty-two-page booklet issued to our soldiers in Morocco and Algiers, which was summarized today in a description issued by the War Department. (A dispatch from North Africa last month told of the issuance of the booklet.)

The book emphatically warns soldiers about the necessity of showing complete respect for the religion of Islam and cautioned them against arguments about religion. As for standard etiquette, the book contains the following advice:
“Serious injury, if not death at the hands of Muslim men, may result if these few rules in regard to their women folk are not obeyed: 

• Never stare at one. 
• Never jostle her in a crowd. 
• Never speak to her in public. 
• Never try to remove the veil.

“When dining with a Muslim host: 

• Adopt his table manners and —always with your right hand —dip into the tasty, fluffy green dish called couscous, leaving something in the bowl for the women and children who will be served later. 
• Accept three cups of mint-flavored tea, but never a fourth.
• Be generous with your cigarettes, it will be much appreciated.

“When you shop:

• Bargain for all you're worth, but politely. 
• Try to learn to talk to the North Africans in Arabic; they will like you for it, no matter how poorly you pronounce it. 
• When you are about to enter a house or yard, call out to the women ‘Taghattu,’ which means ‘Cover up!’

“Watch out for:

• Lice, scorpions, cobras, asps and too much sunburn.
• Shake hands gently with North Africans. 
• Never strike one; while no bruisers, they're handy with knives. 
• Never give Muslims alcoholic drinks or pork. 
• Don't bring a dog into the house. 

“Remember that people whose customs and conduct differ from your own, are not to be regarded as queer.” — The New York times, 1942

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Farewells at Tea

Most commonly, afternoon teas begin any time from 3:00 pm to 3:30 pm, however any time between 2:00 pm and 5:00 pm is appropriate. Proper etiquette dictates one remove  gloves before eating or drinking anything, and when one is finished, prior to leaving, the gloves should be put back on.

Etiquette Outlined for Guests Departing a Tea

• Most commonly, afternoon teas begin any time from 3:00 pm to 3:30 pm, however any time between 2:00 pm and 5:00 pm is appropriate. 
• If you are having a particularly enjoyable time, watch your hostess and the other guests for cues as to when you should plan to depart. 
• Guests at such functions may feel free to leave after having had tea, that is, after about a half an hour. 
• Proper etiquette dictates one remove gloves before eating or drinking anything, and when one is finished, prior to leaving, the gloves should be put back on. 
• If the hostess for a formal tea is pouring, she need not rise when guests come by the table to bid her farewell. She merely bows, and perhaps, offers her hand. 
• If the hostess is not tied to the tea table with duties, but has friends pouring for her, then she should be sought out by departing guests, who thank her for her hospitality.

—The New York Times, 1964

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and “Smart” Fashion

“Smart” gloves for “smart” outfits — Certainly nothing sounds more idiotic than the description of a coat or costume as “clever.” It is a complete misuse of the word. Smart, equally so in its real meaning, is similarly excused by usage. 

One Woman’s Viewpoint

“Fashion has the power to appear temporarily in the guise of beauty though it is the antithesis of beauty nearly always.” – Emily Post
Fashion is really not smart, nor clever, but it is oftentimes, thankfully, short lived.

Do you remember how we used to qualify a disagreeably bright child as a “smartie?” when we were all playing together in the childhood games of memory? Just as it appears to me that the adjective “smart” has by evolution, come to be applied to an overzealous fashion type. You go to buy a hat and something absolutely absurd in its freaked “out of the ordinaries” is brought out and commended to your favorable attention by being dubbed ‘‘smart.’’ 

If you wish to describe a circle of society as pre-eminently eccentric in entertaining fads, fancies, etc..., you speak of it as ‘‘The Smart Set.” Anything crazy or unusual indulged in by it, is condoned because it is “smart.” Some people even go so far as to dub gowns “clever.” This being the synonym of smart. Certainly nothing sounds more idiotic than the description of a coat or costume as “clever.” It is a complete misuse of the word. Smart, equally so in its real meaning, is similarly excused by usage. The “smartness” alluded to is, however, very apt to cross the line and get into the realm of freakishness. 

A woman, longing to be considered smart, buys unbecoming clothes because they are not what everyone else is wearing. I heartily approve of individuality. But individuality to excess, lacking the qualities of good taste and becomingness, is as much a breach of etiquette as loud laughter. You may attract attention, but it is not always of the kind that a woman should seek. 

To study a distinctive style is commendable. It will make even a plain woman more attractive than the pretty one who wears just the ordinary things that anyone can buy or make. A study of one’s own style in dress, in speech, in manner is worth while. But “smartness” as represented by an extreme accentuation of anything, proclaims a desire to attract undue attention, which in itself is a breach of good form. — “The Hostess,” 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Gilded Age “Calling-Hat”

An English lady, one of the combination English set now here — the H.O. Bax-Ironside, Dunraven, Marlborough, Paget party— appeared twice in a fall hat of lace. Once it was at Newport and once in New York. The appearances were only brief “calling afternoons,” but the hat was much admired. American women are quick to pick up what is good, and immediately the lace calling-hat was adopted. “Not because it is English,” explained an American lady very earnestly to her milliner, “but because I see — what you have often tried to impress upon me— the becomingness of anything soft and full around the face.”

The Tulle Lace Hat of 1895

The Autumn winds which blew Lords and Dukes over here for various purposes of conquest, more or less successful, blew along a style that is much in vogue in London, but has never been popular here. This is the fashion for wearing the tulle or lace hat for dressy occasions. We like it for golf or tennis or the lawn party or the country drive. But Londoners like it for the theater, for the park and for the calling occasion.


An English lady, one of the combination English set now here — the H.O. Bax-Ironside, Dunraven, Marlborough, Paget party— appeared twice in a fall hat of lace. Once it was at Newport and once in New York. The appearances were only brief “calling afternoons,” but the hat was much admired. American women are quick to pick up what is good, and immediately the lace calling-hat was adopted. “Not because it is English,” explained an American lady very earnestly to her milliner, “but because I see — what you have often tried to impress upon me— the becomingness of anything soft and full around the face.”


As all who want a sudden lace hat for fall, who do not boast a regular milliner nor know one who would get up such a creation inexpensively, the rule for making it may be briefly stated. It is from the memorandum book of a Fifth Avenue milliner, who jotted it down the lines for aiding her head milliner, who was desirous of getting up a number of them.


“Take the wire frame of a summer tulle hat. The larger the frame the better, no matter what the shape, so long as the brim is flaring. Gather three yards of fine lacy chiffon upon the brim, letting the lace weave in and out of the wire until not an inch of wire is visible. This is done by laying the chiffon on top of the frame and pulling it through into big loose scallops. A few stitches hold it smoothly in place.


“The chiffon should be exactly the color of the trimmings of the fall suit. The very swell Newport caller chose white, embroidered in pale brown. Cover the top of the frame with the plain part of the chiffon. Now get two yards of striped velvet ribbon that includes all the shades of the costume, and make into a great, broad upstanding bow. Fasten with an emerald pin at one side of the crown and you have the the fall lace hat. It is simple enough and very becoming to everybody.” — San Jose Mercury, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Society Etiquette of Gilded Age Calls

In accordance with her own ideas of etiquette, borrowed partly from the London set and partly from her native hospitable Southern training, Mrs. Alva S. Vanderbilt sent out 1,000 letters to friends telling them of her daughter's engagement, and as half of that number were within calling distance of the City by the Sea, 500 persons lost no time in calling. The exact wording of the announcement cannot be stated accurately, because it differed with the person and degree of friendship. 

Rush to See the Prospective Duchess

____________

Town A Silken Arcadie

___________

Mrs. Alva Vanderbilt Sent Out 1,000 Announcements and Had 500 Calls

Within 10 days after the announcement of the Marlborough engagement their drove up the roadway within the beautiful outer portals of marble House 300 fine equippages. And out of each their tripped from one to three elegantly dressed women. An American girl had stepped into the British nobility, and these calls were for congratulation, many wishes of joy and much felicity. In accordance with her own ideas of etiquette, borrowed partly from the London set and partly from her native hospitable Southern training, Mrs. Alva S. Vanderbilt sent out 1,000 letters to friends telling them of her daughter's engagement, and as half of that number were within calling distance of the City by the Sea, 500 persons lost no time in calling. The exact wording of the announcement cannot be stated accurately, because it differed with the person and degree of friendship. 

To 20 went the barest announcement of the fact; to another 200 a more elaborate wording, and to the others all over the world, went long private letters, which were the work of the indefatigable Mrs. Alva and her secretary. To do this sort of thing well, so that it gives satisfaction to all sets of friends, is a social art greater than leading a cotillion or planning a ball. It is very astonishing how short a time it takes to get new gowns. Late in the season though it may be, early in the winter though it may seem, busy though all of the modistes advertise themselves to be, yet new dresses appear as suddenly and as beautifully planned as though months of preparation had been put upon them.


All society wore new calling gowns to pay respects to the prospective Duchess. She, quiet slip of a girl, wore white with bunches of ribbon at her waist for the Newport calls; and for the New York ones, when she came down to the city for the trousseau planning, she wore a light material, crepon mostly, or the sheerest China silk. She wore them in black, in brown, in blue and in bright red, often figured. When she goes into the street, she wears a long double-breasted coat that hides the gown to below the knees. Very English, but not very dressy, her friends say!


But the calling gowns of those who put on their best smiles and their best gowns to go to see the little Duchess to be! One of them was a heavy corded silk. The skirt fairly rustled with stiffness. It was plain and beautiful. The cut was Princess in the back, showing no seam at the waist. The fastening must have been under the arm and at the shoulder, for it was Princess in front also. A very heavy white cord and a jet braiding went across both the front and the back of the waist, making a fine full figure, as any trimming along the bust or mid-waistline will, and there was a lovely thick crystal-edged ruching around the neck. Strange what an air of elegance is given to a dress by the addition of white corded silk sleeves! 

There is a New York woman who prides herself upon dressing with elegance upon a small allowance, who has four or five sets of these sleeves, differently trimmed, that can be quickly sewed into a gown by her maid. The sleeves of this one very stunning calling gown were of white silk, with small bits of applique work upon them. The applique was in black velvet. The bits were triangles of black velvet, with beads sewed upon them. They were appliqued upon the white silk with coarse sewing twist, and around them were sewed black jet beads and small jet ornaments. The effect was very rich.


Stamped brocades in white silk are effective, but the cheapness with which they are produced makes them a little common for those who are desirous of making an individual impression. The applique bits of black velvet are not quite similar in appearance to the common brocades. Ladies who go shopping may like to walk, but those who go calling invariably likely to go in a carriage, even though it be but the two wheeler of the cab stand. The reason for this is the extreme elegance of the visiting toilet. Even the dinner gown is simple alongside of it. Nothing in the whole wardrobe is as fine as one's best calling gown. — San Jose Mercury, October 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Dark Cold War Etiquette Humor

A. Never use aerosol cans or lighter fluid during a nuclear assault. The intense heat blast that often accompanies an atomic detonation can cause volatile items such as these to burst into flames and pose a threat to personal safety. B. In the mindless mayhem and chaos that follows a nuclear attack, the urge to commandeer expensive sportscars may prove irresistable... but remember, don't drink and drive. — In times of stress and high anxiety, laughter can be the best medicine!

Back in the 1980’s, Post Nuclear Anxiety Could Sometimes  be a Laughing Matter

Nothing spoils a young college student’s career ambitions quite like the asphyxiation and subsequent death that often accompanies nerve gas and other chemical weapons. It is with this in mind that I’ve developed this practical guide to World War III Etiquette.

I. Health and Safety Tips 

A. Never use aerosol cans or lighter fluid during a nuclear assault. The intense heat blast that often accompanies an atomic detonation can cause volatile items such as these to burst into flames and pose a threat to personal safety. 

B. In the mindless mayhem and chaos that follows a nuclear attack, the urge to commandeer expensive sportscars may prove irresistable... but remember, don't drink and drive. 

C. In the post-nuclear era, the upstanding citizen should always remember while digging for roots, scrounging through irradiated garbage piles or begging for sustenance from mutant beastmasters, choose only those items which are low in sodium and high in fiber content. This will lead to a healthier and happier you. 

D. During widespread enemy invasion and occupation, home protection will be essential. Be a responsible parent and make your children aware of the proper behavior around domestic tactical defense weaponry. Imagine the embarrassment of learning all too late that little Susan can't achieve maximum kill potential from her wire-guided TOW anti-tank missile launcher or that Johnny was using anti-armor rounds in his M-16 instead of the hollow-point wadcutters against infantry. Be safety conscious and help your children become familiar with the maintenance, loading and discharging of the household defense armory. 

E. Should you and your loved ones be caught in the untimely and unheroic proximity of a thermonuclear discharge, remember the U.S. Armed Forces' safety tips. 

1. Never look directly at a detonation. 

2. Duck. 

II. Rules and Regulations 

A. During peacetime, pedestrians have right-of-way at crosswalks. But a little-known bylaw explicitly states that Soviet T-62 Battle Tanks have right-of-way over pedestrians (so to speak). Imagine the embarrassment of being mercilessly flattened onto hot asphalt only to discover that you were in the wrong. This is known as a World War III faux pas. 

B. Be a safe and responsible citizen by obeying all driving regulations, even during wartime. 

1. Never park in front of a fire hydrant as it may be needed to hose down unruly protesters. 

C. Should you be captured and interrogated by our enemies keep in mind these simple rules. Your captors will appreciate the effort. 

1. Give your name and Social Security number, but never give up your credit cards. These ruthless commies hold no scruples about making fraudulent purchases. 

III. Social Niceties 

A. As socially responsible citizens it is in accordance with our upbringing to make the invading Communist hordes feel at home. Thus, prior to or coinciding with any counter-tactics remember to get ripped on vodka, strap on a red ice hockey mask and scream “up Siberia” at the top of your lungs. This way, when the carnage and butchery of the battlefield surround you, you can feel proud at having maintained the proper decorum. 

IV. Residential Life 

A. Should you unexpectedly find yourself in the "kill zone" of a nuclear blast while preparing dinner, there is no need to preheat the oven. Simply place the frozen entree in your mouth and wait for the wall of flame to envelop your house. 

B. With the unavoidable food shortage that will ensue after a war, housebroken dogs and cats will become obsolete (not to mention consumable). But fear not, many families across our smoldering nation will find the household cockroach to be the sensible alternative. Let's face it, they're cute and cuddly and so economical. So whether you seek loyal companionship or glowing affection, the cockroach will stand by your side faithfully. 

C. Following the explosion of an ICBM in the atmosphere near your neighborhood many annoying things will happen. Not the least of which is that your car will not start. Don't fret, simply gather one or two of your more seriously irradiated neighbors and jump start the battery. This can be done by connecting the jumper cables to their fillings.— By Rick Grush and Daniel Philpot in the California Aggie, 1987

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Skip the Fads When Entertaining

“At a recent dinner party the hostess, wishing to indulge in some novelty, had the cheese cut precisely in the shape and size of an ordinary piece of pie. When placed on the plate, it closely resembled a cut of custard pie. It was first passed to an elderly gentleman, who, without observing closely, took it supposing it to be pie, and put it down by his plate. After a time, the hostess sent the servant for it, and with a fork removed a small piece, after which it was passed to the other guests.” — Photo of a Victorian sterling silver cheese fork. 

— Source, Etiquipedia private photo library.

Hostesses Should Avoid Table Innovations

In these days, when the social aim and object of every hostess seems to be to get up something new, it would be well to have some way to indicate the use or management of novelties and thereby spare the guests much embarrassment. When dishes are to be served in any unusual way, some hint should be given to some of the guests, and others may take note of the manner of handling, and thus avoid confusion and awkwardness. 

At a recent dinner party the hostess, wishing to indulge in some novelty, had the cheese cut precisely in the shape and size of an ordinary piece of pie. When placed on the plate, it closely resembled a cut of custard pie. It was first passed to an elderly gentleman, who, without observing closely, took it supposing it to be pie, and put it down by his plate. After a time, the hostess sent the servant for it, and with a fork removed a small piece, after which it was passed to the other guests. 

There are few things more annoying than the consciousness that one has made some blunder at table. In some way, it has come to be an accepted idea that to go wrong in such things is to be in a condition of dense ignorance. As a matter of fact, there are so many changes, so many fads, so many new wrinkles and so much rivalry between ladies in the same society, that innovations are continually sought out and eagerly adopted. The wonder is not that people make mistakes, but that they make so few. 

At one time, the spoon and fork must be used in some special way. After a time, there is an entire change in this custom. People who go out but rarely cannot, or at least do not, keep up with the fads and fancies of the social swim and consequently are likely to do certain things in the old way, which is quite unlike the new, and of course are made uncomfortable by the discovery that they have violated some portion of the code of social etiquette. 

It would be well if eminent social authorities could prepare a set of rules and have them adopted and rigidly adhere to them. This would make things easier for entertainers as well as guests, and be much more satisfactory in every respect. Hostesses in places removed from fashionable centers should be specially careful about indulging in innovations. In nothing are genuine refinement and culture more clearly shown than in the avoidance of forms that may cause embarrassment to guests.—New York Ledger, 1894

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of the Gilded Age Musicales

The strictly fashionable, correct New York musicale is as solemn as an evening funeral and as stupid as a love scene in the original; no one enjoys it but the performers. I think, without question, that you can manage to spend more money and make a larger proportion of your guests uncomfortable at a musicale than at any other form of entertainment yet devised. 

How a Musicale is Run

Just What the Guest and the Hostess Should Find to Do

To the Editor of the Sun –

Sir: I was interested in the Sunday Sun’s article describing the etiquette of a New York wedding. Now, won’t you please tell us what they do at a New York musicale in a private house? — Etta Milford, April 25

The writer called on a woman well known in New York society, propounded the request as printed above, and this is the way the society woman rattled on in answer: 

The strictly fashionable, correct New York musicale is as solemn as an evening funeral and as stupid as a love scene in the original; no one enjoys it but the performers. I think, without question, that you can manage to spend more money and make a larger proportion of your guests uncomfortable at a musicale than at any other form of entertainment yet devised. In the first place there are the invitations, which must be engraved and read something like this:

Mr. and Mrs. Smith request the pleasure 

of Mr. and Mrs. Jones’ company on Monday at 3 p.m. 

 

R. S. V. P.                     Music.

You send these invitations two or three weeks ahead to insure the presence of some of your guests, for people always avoid a musicale if possible, as they do an appointment with a dentist or an interview with a creditor. Then you set about procuring your talent for the occasion, and mortgage most of your property to pay them. You must send a carriage for every artist separately, for they are usually such antagonistic rivals that they couldn’t be expected to ride the length of the block in the same vehicle. You furnish them with flowers, add your unbounded gratitude to the modest sum you pay, and dress yourself in some quiet home dress, with no bonnet or glove, to receive your guests. Sometimes you give a musical luncheon, where you vary the programme by inviting a small number of your most intimate friends to luncheon, and have the music afterward, to which it is quiet comme il faut to invite as many people as you can accommodate in your rooms, though they were not present at the luncheon. 

Musical breakfasts are on the same general order, occuring a little earlier in the day, though 1 o’clock is the fashionable hour. Sometimes the music precedes the breakfast, and sometimes a band of concealed musicians play through the meal as well. The style of music is extremely classical and very heavy. We are so cultured and melodious now that we don’t enjoy any harmony that we really can understand, and we talk very knowingly of shading and motives, touch and phrases and expression, though, of course, we don't know what any of it really means. The others do not understand either, so it doesn’t signify; no one knows if you make a mistake. 

The stylish musicale is hardly complete now without the Hungarian band, and the leader of that institution has been so battered and feted in America that he forgets sometimes that he was once hired as a kind of upper servant by the Countess Esterhazy’s father, who employed him to entertain his guests as he hired the butler to pour out their wines. Mrs. Hicks-Lord was conversant of the fact, and when, on a recent occasion, she paid $200 to $300 for his services, and he asked in addition to be presented to her guests, she aired her knowledge of his former situation with promptitude. The girl violinist is a very stylish creature of the musicale this winter, because she is such a picturesque and beautiful object and really doesn’t play the violin any more execrably than any other instrument. She has a pretty fashion of getting herself up in an artistic, flowing sort of a gown, with large sleeves falling away from the bare arms, and is a very delicious vision, quite reconciling one to listen to her.

If you really want to spend money on a musicale, you can invite your personal friends to entertain the guests instead of hired operatic stars. Of course they don’t charge you anything, as they are not professional; you just make them some trifling presents of a brown-stone block, a carriage and horses, a diamond tiara, and some other little things of that kind, and remain forever under a burden of gratitude besides. It is like having tickets sent you for the theater or opera by a friend; you have to give them something in return that costs more than a box in the grand row. A musicale returns any kind of an obligation—a dinner, luncheon, reception, or tea and costs more than all of them in one. Some people give a series of musicales, three or four in number, but one handsome musicale in the season is all that is really required or often given. The programmes must be also engraved and closely followed, and no refreshments are served of any kind. 

S0 much for the hostess; now for the guest. She must go dressed in her richest garments, as to the handsomest receptions with bonnet and gloves; she must keep her engagement, if she accepts the invitation, almost as carefully as to a formal dinner; she must come in time, and on no account leave the room after she arrives until the entire programme is completed. Usually, the house is filled with uncomfortable little folding chairs, into which you crowd your draperies as best you may and sit with your lower extremities paralyzed and prickling from the pressure of the bar across the front of the chair, with the delightful consciousness in your heart that your are ruining your best gown and that you can’t go until it is over, through one, two, three and sometimes four hours of agony, applauding and encoring every selection and smiling like a ballet girl upon every performer. If you don’t care for the programme, you can’t leave as you would a public hall where you bought your ticket, but must remain to tell your hostess at the close that you spent such a delightful evening. 

That’s the musicale genteel, correct and fashionable, but a bachelor friend of mine knows how to give the musicale enjoyable. In the first place, he doesn’t invite any more guests than he can accommodate without crowding them. The chairs are not arranged in solid phalanx, but distributed about the room here and there. People move about and talk with their friends, or partake of some of the dainty trifles scattered about the punch-bowl on a side table. There is no evidence of a stilted programme. People sing or play whenever it occurs to them, and after it is all over, you are taken into another room to the most delicious little supper. There are musicales and musicales, and, while they may he the most enjoyable of occasions, they usually are extremely fatiguing and stupid.— New York Sun, 1889

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wheeler Etiquette and Femininity

 

“Of course, some of the fashionable women have learned to ride. They are continually seeking for some new distraction. But you can be very certain that they will ride in private schools or on their own private grounds and not through the streets of New York or in the public parks. They are too wise to make guys of themselves for the benefit of the general public.” — A mere 5 years after this article appeared, etiquette books were promoting a more feminine look for ‘wheel-women’ as there was no turning back at that point.

—Photo source, Etiquipedia private library

Women as Imitators

With the tailor made girl an easy walk came in—a walk that did not have a suggestion of a stride, but still, as it was swinging, was perfectly feminine and easy. It was much prettier than the mincing steps attained by walking the ribbon. By the bye, it does seem that while women are talking so much about their rights, they have left very few to men. They have taken his loose, heavy stitched gloves with the big buttons. They have taken his shirt front, his tie, his scarfpin, his watch chain, his cigarettes, his coat pockets, and if some of the bicycle riders continue to divide their skirts, they will have taken his trousers. 

I have tried my very best to be convinced that a woman looks well on a bicycle. She does not. The attitude is an ungraceful, strained one, and if the rider happens to be a fat woman her face gets fiercely red, and she does look an object. No matter how much care may have been given to the get up, they all look pretty much alike, and most of the riders have an untidy look—tumbled hair, negligee cap, and, well, the general loose get up being far from natty looking. Riding the iron and steel horse may be popular, but certainly it is not pretty. 

Of course, some of the fashionable women have learned to ride. They are continually seeking for some new distraction. But you can be very certain that they will ride in private schools or on their own private grounds and not through the streets of New York or in the public parks. They are too wise to make guys of themselves for the benefit of the general public. Occasionally they might do it among their own crowd, but be very sure that they are not going to let tho hoi polloi see them make fools of themselves.— Editor Woman's Page, Boston Globe, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Etiquette of Russia’s Royal Widow

“The costume is completed by a cap à la Marie Stuart, (aka Mary Stuart), the material being crepe, and a band cut into a point to hit the shape crosses the forehead.” — This style of cap became quite fashionable and even became part of a woman’s formal mourning dress, right up until the Victorian era, when Queen Victoria’s mourning attire set the fashion standard. — Mary Stuart depicted in the cap named after her. A Mary Stuart cap (or attifet) is a type of hat which was made popular in the Elizabethan era, due to its frequent appearance in portraits of Mary, Queen of Scots.

The widowed Empress of Russia, according to the strict etiquette of the Muscovite Court, will wear during the first six months of her mourning simple dresses of black flannel. They are made high and plain, with sleeves in what is known as Charles VI style, fastened tight at the wrist, but cut wide and loose so as to reach the ground. A train some three yards in length trails from the waist, and broad collars, cuffs and streamers of white cambric can trail with the gloom of the rest of her attire. 

The costume is completed by a cap à la Marie Stuart, the material being crepe, and a band cut into a point to hit the shape, crosses the forehead. A crepe veil, shrouding the whole figure, is used on ceremonial occasions, but a shorter one is substituted for everyday wear. All the toilet accessories are, of course, black. Except as regards the length of the train, the Czarina's mourning differs in no way from that prescribed for the Grand Duchesses and the ladies belonging to the four upper grades of the court circle. —St. Petersburg Correspondent, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia