The Mask of Manners

Child specialists agree that manners are more than the facade — the curtsy, the bow, table decorum and social niceties. Underlying them in any situation must be a consideration for others, and this consideration stems from a sense of inner security and dignity. 

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Mere “Mask” Of Manners Is Assailed

“EVENTUALLY,” Amy Vanderbilt, author and authority on etiquette, said recently, “good manners will be almost the only status symbol left — but only if these manners are second nature.”


Child specialists agree that manners are more than the facade — the curtsy, the bow, table decorum and social niceties. Underlying them in any situation must be a consideration for others, and this consideration stems from a sense of inner security and dignity.


To judge a person’s character by his manners can be misleading, these authorities point out: Manners can mask true feelings.


“The child who is ‘too good’ is a child about whom you worry,” said Mrs Lucille Stein, director of parent counseling for the Child Study Association of America. “This applies to adults as well. The whole facade of manners can keep an individual from having real contact with people — sort of like never getting your hands dirty. It may be a symptom of emotional illness.”

Learn Rewards

The problem for parents is one of steering between rigidity, which may produce a stifled personality, and permissiveness, which may leave a child unprepared for social communication, anxious and selfish.


Children are born self-centered. However, they can learn at an early age that to, “do unto others” brings rewards. They also discover that manners can be fun — as, for example, the little girl who enjoys playing hostess at a tea party. The child thus develops self-confidence and the ability, according to Mrs Stein, “to detach from his mother, and find his place in the family and his age group and to move out into the world.”


No parent, however, can expect his child to learn all the desirable manners at once; age must be taken into account. Nor can the parent expect perfect adherence at all times; lapses must be expected. Nor should the parent be a stickler for a particular form of expression — “What a swell gift!” May be one child's way of saying, “Thank you.”


“Sometimes parents get upset by poor manners or lack of sharing,” Mrs Stein noted. “Their standards are beyond those which the child is able to work with. A child of 4 can understand the concept of sharing, but not until he is 5 or 6 can he appreciate the purpose of trying to behave at the dinner table with adults. The ability grows with the child.”

Special Challenge

Often, parents of the pre-adolescent — the child in the 7 to 11 age group —must overlook a great deal of negligence and manners. It is normal during this stage of growth to see children bolting out of the door to join their friends, leaving all semblance of manners behind.


The teenager, however, offers a special challenge to the parent. This time in life is one of rebellion, or even anti-social behavior. This is a time when parents must find a compromise between continual nagging and total permissiveness. The most important stimulant to good manners, authorities agree, is the example set by parents.


And it is in this area that parents often are at fault. Parents who are concerned about their child's poor manners, would be wise to examine their own.


“Manners come best,” said Mrs Aline B. Auerbach, director of parent-group education for the Child Study Association, “in families where the feeling of consideration for one another is part of daily life. The form isn't so important —it's the feeling.” — The New York Times, 1960

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia