Formal Dining Etiquette for U.S. Military

 FORMAL DINNER. As the name implies, the most complex of dinner parties, the formal dinner party, is to be conducted. During the cocktail or informal period each participant examines the seating chart to determine the location of his place at the table. When the serving of dinner is sounded and announced, the Presiding Officer and his most senior guest proceed to the dining room first, followed by other guests with no order of precedence. Each place will be marked by individual place cards. Seats will not be taken until permission to do so has been announced. 

PLACE SETTING.

a. The place setting will be set up by the Club. Only coordination is required—be sure to specify exactly what is required.

b. Once seated, engage in conversation with those individuals nearby. Each person will find before him a place setting similar to the one shown at Figure 1. Folded on top of the plate is a dinner napkin. On the left of your plate you will find, from left to right, a fish fork, meat fork, and salad fork. On the right side of the plate you will find, from right to left, an oyster fork, soup spoon, fish knife, meat knife, and salad knife. Located to the upper right wide of the setting will be the glasses. They are identified as follows, from left to right: water glass, white and red wine glass. Directly in front of the plate you may find either a menu card and/or name card. It is customary for the servants to remove each set of knives and forks, used or unused, and each glass as the course for which they were set is finished. A service plate will be part of the table setting, but it is not intended for use. A butter plate is provided when served bread, lay it on the butter plate.

c. No more than three forks (not counting the oyster fork) and three knives are placed on the table when it is set.

d. The type wine glass depends upon the menu, but their arrangement will be according to size so that the small ones are not hidden behind large ones. The water glass is placed directly above the knives or to the right of the plate; in front of this glass is the red wine glass and the white wine glass. The glasses are placed in a straight row slanting downward from the water glass at the upper left.

e. The waiter will always serve the dishes from your left and the beverages from your right. After the table is completely cleared, dessert will be served. At the conclusion of the dinner, coffee will be served.

TIPS ON TABLE MANNERS.

a. Selection of Silver. Silver is arranged to allow use of utensils farthest from the plate first, so take the next item in order with each succeeding course.

b. When to start eating. Do not start eating until the Presiding Officer has started.

c. Use of the Knife. Do not place the knife on the table once you have used it. When you have finished with the knife, never place the handle on the table with the blade resting on the plate, simply place it on the upper right rim of the plate with the blade resting on the plate. Use your knife for cutting salad only when iceberg lettuce has been served. (All other salads are cut with the fork only).

d. Use of the Spoon. When used to eat soup, dip the spoon away from you and then place the side of the spoon to your lips. When finished with the soup course, place the spoon in the soup plate with the bowl up, handle resting on the right rim of the plate. Do not place the soup spoon on the under plate unless a light soup or consommé has been served in a cup or bowl at which time the spoon bowl is placed up on the right side of the under plate. When you have used a spoon with coffee or tea, place the spoon bowl up on the right side of the saucer.

e. Chicken and Other Fowl. At a formal dinner no part of the bird is picked up with your fingers. Hold the meat on your plate with the fork and strip off the meat with your knife. (Frog lets are eaten in the same fashion.)

f. Olive Pits, Seeds, and Fishbones. Remove pits, seeds, or bones from the mouth with the thumb and forefinger and place them to one side of your dinner plate.

g. Long-Stemmed Glasses. Long-stemmed water glasses or wine glasses are held with the thumb and first two fingers of your right hand at the base of the bowl or on the stem. Do not hold the bowl of the glasses.

h. Fresh Fruits. Halve, quarter, stone the fruit with the knife and fork, but with the exception peaches do not skin it. The fruit is then eaten with a fork. Fresh grapes and cherries are eaten whole; pits removed with the fingers and inconspicuously placed on the side of the plate. Grapefruits and oranges are served in halves. They are never squeezed, but are eaten with a fruit spoon or teaspoon. – Military Field Circular for Dining In” Fort Benning, Georgia

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Place Setting Image and Etiquette from the “Military Field Circular for Dining In” Fort Benning, Georgia 

"Why Are They Called 'Mess Halls' & 'Mess Kits' in the Military?" 

Three Paratroopers Messing Around with a Paper Airplane in 1957, at Fort Bragg, North Carolina 

When referencing food and the military, I am frequently asked the same questions by students. “Why does the military give out mess kits?”, and “Why is the place where soldiers eat called a mess hall?” I am a person who needs answers that add up. Inquisitive kids are that way too.

When I first started looking around for an answer back in the early 1990s, I found a few bits and pieces of information available, but not one source I read actually tied it all together to where it made sense to me.

From the outset “mess” obviously meant “food” and nothing more. The biblical Essau had a “mess of potage” which is believed to be a portion of lentil soup or beans. While growing up my brothers had G I Joe action figures that came with “mess kits” and watching the “Beverly Hillbillies” on television I heard the term “mess a’vittles” frequently used. While listening to former Presidential aide Dee Dee Meyers talking on late night t.v. she referred to her “mess bill” for something she had eaten on Air Force One. It was starting to drive me a bit nuts. If “mess” historically had meant food, how, why and when did it become the definitive term for a state of confusion and disorderliness?

It took me much sleuthing, but I finally found a very old book on word origins and voila… there was an answer that made sense. The change in the general public’s definition of the word apparently was in the 1590s, when a party game called “Muss” spread across Europe. Muss was a game in which trinkets were tossed around a room and the party guests would scramble to retrieve them (anyone for some 52 pickup?) As popularity of the game spread throughout Europe, with its various languages, the name of the game somehow was changed to “Mess”. The Bible, military handbooks, and all other writings had naturally been left with the original meaning of the word intact. But from that point on, “muss” has rarely been used as a common term for something in a state of disarray, other than regionally in a few parts of the world.

Many southern states here in the U.S. are one such regional area. The term "muss" is still used in the south, while I rarely hear it here in Southern California. The eyes of an octogenarian attending one of my seminars became misty as he recounted how his grandmother in Alabama would scold him for wearing his hat in her home. “I would say that my hair was a mess underneath my hat. She would then correct me by saying, ‘Your hair is mussed. It is not a mess!”

Now I always try to remember that my daughter’s room is not a mess. Her room is simply mussed up. It sounds better and somehow makes me feel a bit better about it.– From Maura Graber, The RSVP Institute of Etiquette 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Retro Voices on the Etiquette of Call Waiting and Voicemail

"No. We're not busy.  We've just been sitting here screening our calls on the answering machine.  Hysterically funny!  What are you up to, dear?"

'Call Waiting' and Other Conundrums of Telephone Etiquette

The telephone was an ornery object even when it was simple and ugly. Now that its shape has been streamlined, its colors lightened and brightened, and its works programmed to be as complicated as a jet aircraft, its arrogance knows no bounds. It is rude, intrusive and demanding. It beeps in the middle of a conversation and expects understanding and forgiveness. 

Now that telephones are not only everywhere - showers, airplanes, boats and gardens - but have become increasingly complicated, telephone manners are, quite naturally, becoming equally complicated. Assume that one makes a call and hears splashing water at the other end. Should one pretend that it's perfectly normal to talk to a naked person in a shower, or make a comment about it? Is it time for jokes, embarrassment or savoir-faire? 

''It's unchic to make a big deal out of it; you have to adopt an 'oh yes, so what' attitude,'' one caller said. ''There's no question that you subsconsciously visualize what that person looks like in the buff, but you've got to present yourself as calm, unruffled and unsurprised.'' 

The innovation most resented by most people is ''call waiting,'' a service or disservice formerly available only on telephones with several lines, and now possible on single-line instruments. This development punctuates a call with a beep, or beeps, if someone else is tying to get through while a conversation is going on. When this happens, the person already on the line is almost always asked to hold while the second call is answered.               

"Amazing!  This thing actually works! Oh wait... There's another call coming in.  Hang on. Let me see who that is..." Two of the country's leading etiquette experts were appalled at the concept of call waiting in the 1980s.  Most still are.

''It's last come, first served, an incredibly rude idea,'' said Judith Martin, who is also known as ''Miss Manners.'' ''It's an invention of the devil,'' said the late-Letitia Baldrige, the author of the revised ''Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette'' and ''Letitia Baldrige's Complete Guide to Executive Manners.'' 

''Let them call again,'' she said. ''For years people have re-dialed when the line was busy. They waited their turn. When I'm put on hold, I always hope that as my revenge, their other call will be someone wanting to sell them something.'' 

Mrs. Martin compared call-waiting to ''standing at a cocktail party and not paying attention to the person you're with, waiting for a more important person.'' 

A number of people not in the etiquette business also dislike call-waiting. ''I had it but I gave it up because I think it's terribly rude,'' said a singer-pianist. ''You either had to take that second call or keep on being interrupted by those beeps.'' One woman said she was of two minds about call-waiting, although she herself refused to have it. But, she said, most of the young people she works with, who are on the junior benefit committees for the Youth Counseling League, have the service. 

''I don't know which is more offensive, having your call broken into by another, or to keep calling and get a busy signal,'' she said. ''The only way to handle call-waiting with any kind of manners,'' she added, ''is to excuse yourself for a moment, answer the second call, take the number and return immediately to the original call.''

What's the etiquette of taking a telephone call in a car? 

The publisher of one magazine, said her own car had a speaker-phone but that she never used it if there were other people traveling with her. ''It's just plain manners,'' she said. However, she said, she always hires cars with telephones, and she frequently makes calls from airplanes, she said. She not only didn't agree with people who considered it gauche to announce that they were calling from a car or a plane, but she often found it useful. 

''I might tell them, 'It's costing me 50 cents a second from the car, and let's get down to business,' '' she said. ''And if I call from a plane, I always tell them where I am. People love it, they get a real high, and they always take the call.'' 

As for Mrs. Martin, her feelings about the telephone and its innovations go beyond call-waiting. Of one thing she's certain: She's not going to live at its beck and call. She has no ''ringing'' telephone in her home, she said. She said she manages very well with a 24-hour ''live'' answering service, and she returns calls at her convenience. ''The telephone demands to be attended to when it feels like it, regardless of what anyone is doing - and my husband and I have simply eliminated that,'' she said. ''We do not need to be reached day and night.'' 

''The fact is if more business was conducted by mail, the world would go around a lot faster,'' she said. ''The illusion that the telephone speeds up communication is ridiculous. You can spend days with messages back and forth.'' 

Mrs. Martin was considering updating the calling card routine once practiced by the tonier types of every city. Her idea was to institute ''telephone hours'' at home, where one could be ''in'' for calls between certain hours and ''not receive'' the rest of the time. 

She did, however, consider the answering machine a convenience, although it had one drawback. ''People get very angry because there is a deep-down belief that you should be available 24 hours a day,'' she said. ''The trouble with answering machines is that you're almost forced to return calls,'' said another woman. ''The excuse that your machine is, or was, on the blink can only be used once or twice.'' 

She also pointed out the trap of using the machine to screen calls - picking up only if it's someone you want to talk to. 

''Once they start doing that, their friends never believe that they're really out,'' she said. ''They are convinced that the person is really there but not picking up. The whole thing gets unbelievably convoluted.''

This originally was published in the NY Times, by Enid Nemy


Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Early 20th C. Manners for Children

Boys, never let your mother carry coal, beat rugs, or go to the store when she is tired, if you can do the work for her.

There are people who think that courtesy is merely a matter of form. The manners of such people are not worth much. Sincere good manners require that a person be helpful and kind at all times, which means that good manners are closely associated with one's daily work. If you would cultivate the better kind of courtesy, there are many opportunities to do so in your own home life.

Boys, never let your mother carry coal, beat rugs, or go to the store when she is tired, if you can do the work for her. Show your appreciation of her by drying the dishes in the evening, so that she may get an opportunity to rest. Help your mother when she is tired.

Girls, you can at least make the beds, straighten the living room, and, in the evening, wash the dishes even if you are attending school. On Saturday and Sunday you have your opportunity to learn to cook and clean and to give your mother a little play time. Sometimes your mother wants to be so very kind to you that she tells you you need not help. The next time she does it, remember your manners and fall to work.

Remember your manners and fall to work.

Outsiders judge you largely by the way you treat your mother. Do not impose your work on your little sisters and brothers. Always do more than they do, as you are bigger than they; and help them out when they are tired. You can never expect them to be considerate if you do not set a good example. Work quickly and carefully and quietly. If you put your best efforts into your task, you will find yourself enjoying it.

A thorough piece of work, no matter what it may be, is always a great satisfaction to the doer. Aside from this, you should endeavor to do your work cheerfully, because your mother is very little benefited by your labor if you are cross and disagreeable. Remember too that the skill and ease with which you accomplish the small home tasks are the best possible preparation for the big tasks you will meet later on.

Each of you may make a list of things that you might do when you go home to-day that would help your mother.

Take care of the things you handle while you are working around the house. Do not let the baby's doll be broken, or your sister's book be mislaid. Do not throw into the waste paper basket the composition over which your brother has toiled hard, even though he has left it very untidily on the table. Your good breeding shows nowhere more markedly than in the care you take of the things other people value. Always thank a member of your family for any favor as graciously as you would an outsider, and remember that "Please" is a helpful word anywhere. Don't say "Thanks"; it sounds ungracious. "Many thanks, Mother" or "Thank you, Fred" are much pleasanter expressions of appreciation.

PROBLEMS: WHO WILL SOLVE THEM?

1. Suppose that a child has never formed the habit of greeting his family with a smiling "Good morning!" — how can he learn to do it? What may make it difficult at first? How can he overcome this difficulty?

2. Each of you may make a list of things that you might do when you go home to-day that would help your mother. How can you get into the habit of helping her every day?

3. What do you think of beginning now a manners drive? You must do the planning for slogans, posters, scenes, plays, tags. These all help to arouse interest and to fix facts.

Here are two suggestions for manners slogans. Can you add others?

Life is not so short but that there is always time enough for courtesy. — Emerson.

Family intimacy should never make brothers and sisters forget to be polite to each other. — Silvia Pellico

By the Faculty of South Philadelphia High School for Girls 1922

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Petiquette: Etiquette for Dining Out with Your Pet

Fido dines al fresco.

Petiquette Tips for Dining with Your Pooch

Before you consider dining al fresco with your dog, make sure your dog obeys simple commands. Is your pet well-behaved around people and other dogs?

Does your dog obey you at home?  If your pooch won't obey you at home, bringing him or her out to a restaurant could be a very bad idea!

Call ahead to make sure the establishment allows dogs at their outdoor tables. Restaurants can change owners or policies, and where you once may have dined with dogs right next to you, yours may now be unwelcome.

Feed and exercise your dog before going to the restaurant.  A well fed, relaxed dog, is a happy dog.
           

A well fed dog who has had some exercise or play time, is a relaxed dog. And no, the sofa does not constitute food!

A shady area is best for you and your pet, so ask for a spot in the shade.  Keep in mind that you may feel perfectly comfortable, but your dog is most likely wearing a lovely fur coat.

Bring a water dish along with water, for your dog.

Never leave your dog unattended.  Not even for a few moments.

How is your dog on a leash?  It will need to be attached to a table leg.

Attach your dog's leash to your chair and not to the legs of your table. If for some odd reason your dog tries to make a run for it, at the very least you will have drinks flying and broken dishes.

Does your dog get along well with other dogs at the dog park, or anywhere else you may take your pooch? Friendly dogs are usually welcome everywhere. Aggressive dogs? Not so much.

Be aware of the area you are putting your dog into. Is there food on the ground where your dog will be sitting? Bags, open purses or anything else they might be curious about?  Unusual situations can bring on unusual behavior in your pet.

Friendly, well-mannered dogs, are welcomed just about everywhere.

Never allow your dog to beg for food from other humans or the other dogs who may be there.

Remember, you are sharing the restaurant space with others. If your dog is making them unhappy, or the dining experience of others unpleasant, then it is time for you to ask for your food "to go."

Keep your dog close so he is not in the waiter’s pathway or too close to other diners.

Always tip your waitress or waiter generously, if you and your dog want to be welcomed back.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Marriage ~ From a Saudi Arabian Husband’s Point of View

It is certainly not deficiency, but rather good manners, that the husband shares responsibility in household work like mending garments or what is similar to that. The wife takes care of the household affairs. So, it is from good manners that the husband extends a helping hand to his wife in the house during times of necessity such as when she is sick, pregnant, has given birth, etc. A man should not feel shy in serving himself.

The exemplary husband is he who cooperates with his wife by keeping good relations and showing kind manners (to her). Truly, the husbands who help their wives in their work are the best of mankind in the view of Islam. This good way of living between the spouses must be deeply imbedded into the daily marital life, even if the matter were to reach divorce.

Beware of characterizing the relationship between the spouses with over-seriousness. For indeed characterizing the family life with a militaristic nature amounts to one of the causes for failure and bad results.

Among the kind and noble manners of the husband is that he complies and assents to the requests of his wife, so long as they are not forbidden in the Religion. Extravagance in food, drink and clothing leads to the door of forbidden things in the Religion.

No human being is perfect. So no doubt the husband will see things in his wife that do not comply with his preferences. If these aspects are not in opposition to the fundaments of the Religion or to the obedience of the husband and his rights, then he should not try to change her personality to make it comply with his preferences.

He must always remember that for each one of the couple, there will be an aspect of one’s personality that conflicts with the other’s personality. The husband should always remember that if he doesn’t like some things in his wife, then indeed she will have other characteristics that are definitely pleasing to him.

Do not look for the errors of your wife and recount them to her, for too much blaming and reprimanding will worsen the relationship between the two of you, and it will pose a threat to your marital life. So overlook each other’s mistakes.

If you are able, do not hold back from providing your wife with good clothing and food, and from being generous in spending money on her. This is of course according to the extent of your ability.
   

"Various social customs are well known in the Kingdom. Arabs traditionally use the right hand for all public functions — including shaking hands, eating, drinking, and passing objects to another person. Talking with one’s hands, or gesticulating wildly, may be considered impolite. It is also impolite to point the sole of the foot at the person to whom you are speaking. It may be discourteous to ask about a man’s wife and daughters. One should ask after his "family and children." When tea and coffee are served, it could be considered impolite not to take at least one cup. When one is finished drinking, one should oscillate the cup to signal that a refill is not desired. If one is doing business in the Kingdom during Ramadan, it is best to refrain from drinking and eating when in the company of someone observing the fast. Doing business in Saudi Arabia is somewhat more challenging for women. There is gender separation in the Kingdom. Many public places, like hotels and restaurants, will have family rooms where women are served with their husbands. Women are expected to dress conservatively, with long skirts most appropriate, sleeves at elbow length or longer, and necklines that are unrevealing. It is generally uncommon for a Muslim man to shake hands with a woman or engage in the conversational body contact that is common when speaking to another man, although Saudis who have experience with Western culture may be inclined to do so." From The Saudi Network

Do not belittle the importance of correcting your wife if she does things that go against the Religion. This should be the main, if not the only reason that should cause you to become angry.

The woman is the head of the household, the one responsible for it. So do not attempt to meddle into affairs that do not fall into your area of duties and responsibilities, such as the food and the upkeep of the house.

Beware of scolding your wife in presence of others, even if they are your own children. For indeed that is unsuitable behavior that turn the hearts of people against each other.

Having protective jealousy and caring about the modesty of your wife is a praiseworthy thing, which shows your love for her. However it is on the condition that you do not go to great lengths in this jealousy. For then at that point, it would turn into something worthy of no praise.

Beware of divulging any secrets connected with the intimate encounters you have with your wife, for that is something restricted and forbidden.

Constantly maintain the cleaning of your mouth and the freshening of your breath.

Guardianship of your wife doesn’t mean that you can exploit what Allah has bestowed upon you from taking charge of her, such that you harm and oppress her.

Showing respect and kindness to your wife’s family is showing respect and kindness to her. And this applies even after her death.

Too much joking will lead to (your family having) little fear (of disobeying you) and a lack of respect for you. So do not joke too much and lose respect.

Fulfilling the conditions that you promised your wife in the marriage contract is very important, so do not neglect that after getting married.

When you advise her or simply talk to her, choose the kindest and nicest of words and expressions. It is not proper for you to ask your wife to look for work outside the house or to spend upon you from her wealth.

Do not overburden your wife with chores that she is not able to handle. Consider, with extreme regard, the environment she was raised up in. Work in rural atmosphere is not like that in urban places. What a strong woman is prepared for and able to do, cannot be done by a weak woman.

Main article originally posted in the Saudi Gazette

Cowboys and Etiquette

The wildly popular movie, recording and television cowboy superstar of the 1930s, 1940s, and 1950s, Gene Autry's  "Cowboy Code" or "Cowboy Commandments" reflected the characters he always portrayed: Men of high moral character that stood for everything that was good, decent, and fair.

The Cowboy Code 
By Gene Autry 

1. The cowboy must never shoot first, hit a smaller man, or take unfair advantage. 
2. He must never go back on his word, or a trust confided in him. 
3. He must always tell the truth. 
4. He must be gentle with children, the elderly, and animals. 
5. He must not advocate or possess racially or religiously intolerant ideas. 
6. He must help people in distress. 
7. He must be a good worker.  
8. He must keep himself clean in thought, speech, action, and personal habits. 
9. He must respect women, parents, and his nation's laws. 
10. The Cowboy is a patriot.

                From cowboyway.com 

"There seem to be two schools of thought on handling hats. One school says when putting on or removing your hat, hold the brim near the crown in the front and the back.  Another school says to never handle by the brim, to always lightly grasp the crown." From The Cowboy Hat Guide.com

Other Cowboy Etiquette?

1. 1. Don’t ride in front of others. 

   2. Hats off when you walk into a home, bar or office. 

   3. Open and close gates. 

   4. Keep your criticism to yourself.

   From countryoutfitter.com

Etiquette and Grade Schools

“Table manners are not an overriding priority. 'Adults care whether a child talks with food in his mouth,' Mr. Scott said, 'but the child's peers don't - unless the food happens to shoot out of the kid's mouth and land on somebody else's clothes.'”

FROM THE AGE of 4, most children can recite the litany of good table manners: 

• I won't talk with my mouth full. 
• I won't play with my food. 
• I won't put my elbows - or feet - on the table.

“Are they really models of comportment, or instead smaller versions of Bluto, the food-throwing churl in the movie 'Animal House'?”

But do children actually mind their manners, especially away from home? How do they function in the school lunchroom? Are they really models of comportment, or instead smaller versions of Bluto, the food-throwing churl in the movie ''Animal House''?

In 2011, China Set Classes in Good Manners for Schoolchildren 

The Chinese government is making schoolchildren take classes in what it calls “civilised manners.” The education ministry says the aim is to enhance the ethical quality of the nation and China's influence abroad. Before the 2008 Beijing Olympics, authorities launched campaigns against things like spitting and littering to avoid offending foreign visitors.  

The new classes range from basic table manners to the art of holding conversations and delivering speeches. According to the education ministry's website, teaching courtesy should combine "the traditional virtues of the Chinese nation" and "the salutary achievements of civilizations in other parts of the world". Detailed guidelines have been published, with classes tailored to the age of the child.

Chinese children will also be taught to respect their elders and the customs of ethnic minorities

Among key lessons for primary school students are using courteous language, observing traffic rules and respecting the elderly. Children a little older will be learning about phone and correspondence etiquette, how to dress properly and how to hold polite conversations with both Chinese and foreigners. High school students are expected to master the etiquette of debate and delivering speeches, but they should also know how to keep a proper distance from other people when they are queuing or using a lift. "The campaign is very necessary for our society now," Xin Tao, vice director of the National Assessment of Education Quality, told the Global Times. 

Younger children will be taught about traffic rules, table manners and using courteous language

Abigail Mawdsley, from the BBC's Asia Pacific desk, says the campaign reflect two things. Firstly, they signify a concern - with the waning of communist ideology - about the values underpinning society. But they also show an awareness that the behaviour of citizens affects a country's image, she says, and that commanding global respect involves more than simple economic and military might. Authorities have shown concern in the past about the habits and behaviour of some of their citizens.  But the goal now appears to be to drill manners into people from an early age.

In 1988, visits to four New York City schools and interviews with several principals around the country revealed that for most students, lunch is, first, a chance to be convivial, and only second a time to eat. To encourage a merry but civilized lunchtime, and keep the noise level tolerable, schools enforced an assortment of rules. Depending on the age of the student body, the kind of restrictions and the location, rules varied from Draconian to nonexistent. As for manners, they improved in direct proportion to age.

The strictest rules were for the very young. At Manhattan's Trinity School, Public School 3 and the T.A.G. School (for talented and gifted elementary-school students), all the children had to follow the same standards of etiquette - don't yell and don't leave the table until excused. But each school ran its lunchroom differently.

Children need limits and need to know the consequences of their behavior.

On the block adjacent to the T.A.G. School, in East Harlem on East 109th Street, a panhandler hustled for change. At midday, idle men passed time drinking from whisky bottles badly disguised in paper bags. Amid this harsh scene, T.A.G. was a strictly run, yet cheerful oasis for 265 children, all of whom had I.Q.'s of 130 and above. Uniformed guards stood watch at the entryways and directed visitors down the school's brightly decorated corridors. Classes ranged from pre-kindergarten to sixth grade.

''I believe children need structure to learn, whether it's math or respect for themselves and others,'' said Renee LaCorbiniere, director of T.A.G. and ''Miss LaCorbiniere'' to her students. ''They need limits, and they need to know the consequences of their behavior.''

At T.A.G., the rules were spelled out. Lunchroom behavior was based on a commendation system. Alternating, Miss LaCorbiniere and Carmen V. Pizarro, assistant director, supervised the lunchroom and gave commendations for good behavior. Three times a year, the classroom with the most of them won an ice-cream or pizza party.

Siobhan Carter, 8 years old, briskly itemized the rules. ''Don't fight, don't run. When they blow the whistle, you can't talk and if you talk, you have to stand against the wall and you can't go out to play.''

If a class cleaned its table (everyone had a seat assignment), it gets a commendation, but if a student ran from the cafeteria, the class forfeited it. Asked why students generally behaved so well, Natasha Jones, Natasha Lewis and Aixa Moran, fourth-grade students, chorused, ''The party is what makes you clean up!''

If students understand the basic rules, some also know the subtle niceties of etiquette. “My mother and father make me eat nicely,'” Natasha Jones said.

If students understood the basic rules at the time, some also knew the subtle niceties of etiquette. ''My mother and father make me eat nicely,'' Natasha Jones said. ''They say: 'Don't waste money. Eat what you're given because some people don't have food. Don't talk with your mouth full, and don't chew with your mouth open.''

Niceties, however, sometimes perish in the face of unrestrained playfulness. In line to choose between grilled cheese sandwiches and empanadas, one little girl grabbed 12 ketchup packets, laughed at her greed and happily foisted six off on a friend. One 4-year-old eating a melted cheese sandwich separated the bread, pulling out the cheese and licking the long, gooey strands off her fingertips.
  

Shrill whistle blasts told the children they could put on coats and queue up to go outside to play. Others remained behind, eagerly eating and talking - not necessarily simultaneously. Ifetayo Abdus-Salam, 4, held a bunch of grapes aloft and with Bacchanalian relish licked the bottom grape and then bit it off with glee.

At P.S. 3, in Greenwich Village, students called the principal by his first name, uniformed security guards were absent and lunchroom rules were comparatively lax. The principal, John Melser, wanted the kindergarteners and first-graders served at the table, so they wouldn't have to wait in line or grapple with trays. ''The Board of Health insists that the serving of food be done by the official servers, and not by the teachers,'' Mr. Melser explained, ''Since the servers couldn't possibly serve the little ones at the table and the rest of the student body standing in line, we're back to the line.''

In 1988, visits to four New York City schools and interviews with several principals around the country revealed that for most students, lunch is, first, a chance to be convivial, and only second a time to eat.

CHILDREN were not to sit on tables, stand on seats or leave tables littered. Teachers either patroled the room or sat with their students. The major concern was keeping the noise level down.

''Noise breeds confusion,'' observed Steve Scott, a kindergarten and first-grade teacher. ''That's why they can't kneel on the chairs, because that makes them edgy and lunch becomes just another nervous event of hurry, hurry, hurry.''

To keep the children calm, teachers asked them to lower their voices and stay in their seats. Table manners were not an overriding priority. ''Adults care whether a child talks with food in his mouth,'' Mr. Scott said, ''but the child's peers don't - unless the food happens to shoot out of the kid's mouth and land on somebody else's clothes.''

From the NY Times, 1988 and BBC Asia Pacific, 2011

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J.Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Fax Etiquette Facts

and why this etiquette is still necessary

“I finally got rid of my fax machine in 2014. I was receiving so many unsolicited faxes on a daily basis, it simply wasn’t worth the cost. As I was paying for the ink, the paper, the phone line and electricity, it was like paying for the postage on the junk mail the mailman delivers weekly into my mail box.” – Etiquipedia© Site Editor, Maura J. Graber, Director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette 

From 1989:

Let us pause in the day's occupation to consider some of the social issues related to facsimile (fax) technology. Learning to use a fax machine or a PC fax device is relatively easy, but learning to use it responsibly appears to be a little more difficult. There is an etiquette to faxing, just as there is to correspondence, telephone calls or personal meetings.

Imagine if a loud and abrasive stranger walked unannounced into your office, slapped you on the back, asked you to stop working while he made a sales pitch, reached into your desk drawer for a pen and piece of paper, then asked to borrow your phone for a few minutes. Worse, suppose he dashed from the room before you had the satisfaction of throwing a paperweight at him.

That is essentially the way a fax hacker attacks. The key to a fax machine's power, and also its Achilles' heel, is that it works over regular telephone lines. Any boor with a fax machine and your phone number can deluge you with unwanted documents.

The assault can be more egregious than junk mail or telephone calls because the fax hacker uses your machine, your paper and your phone line. Also, many fax machines have ''broadcast'' capability, letting them send the same message to more than one fax machine while operating unattended, so one fax hacker can easily annoy dozens of people.

As more and more fax machines enter offices, hotels, restaurants, airline terminals and homes, senders need to be aware of how to avoid offending receivers. The Golden Rule is simple: Fax unto others as you would have others fax unto you.

People need to keep their fax machines open to receive important documents, but that means the machine is open to unsolicited documents as well. When one document is coming in, all others are held up.

Companies that send frivolous letters by fax, perhaps in the belief that the technology itself lends an air of importance, are temporarily appropriating another company's resources.

“Ah, bless them. News emerges that the royal family sent their ‘save the date’ wedding notifications to the heads of all the other European dynasties (or third-to-sixth-cousins as they might also be described) by fax. In a way, it's nice to know that the monarchy’s internal clock has made it all the way to 1985. Perhaps soon they will discover Duran Duran and finally start to understand where poor Diana was coming from.” – The Guardian News, 2011

The intrusion is even worse if the receiving fax is installed inside a personal computer. Unless the fax board is capable of operating in true background mode, meaning that it acts independently from the computer's main processor, an incoming fax can seize control of the computer, forcing the user to halt whatever work is in progress until the transmission ends.

If the intrusion comes at the moment a user is storing a file, there is also a risk of losing important data. ''Just last night I got 56 pages, all of them a repeat of the same sales promotion from a thermal paper company,'' said Bill McCue, marketing manager for Public Fax Inc. of Orange, Calif., which publishes a directory of public fax stations. Apparently the sender had meant to broadcast the message to different recipients but had mis-programmed the machine.

''He was very apologetic and said he was sending me a replacement roll of paper,'' Mr. McCue said. ''The lesson is that when you're broadcasting, you should be careful whom you're sending it to and considerate of what the reaction is going to be.''

The delayed transmission feature on many fax machines allows the sender to instruct the fax machine to wait until night, when phone rates are lower, before broadcasting its messages. Besides saving on phone bills, it does not tie up the recipient's fax machine during working hours.

Start every transmission with a cover letter stating the sender's name, the number of pages being sent, including the cover letter, the recipient's name and any other information that will help get the fax to the proper person. Include a telephone number to call in case there is a problem with the transmission, such as a lost page or dropped line.

Use as complete an address as possible. Imagine the fate of a letter addressed simply to ''Daddy, Big Building in New York.'' Remember that a telephone number can serve hundreds of people. it can be dangerous to assume that the recipient actually received the transmission, especially if the fax was unsolicited. A successful transmission simply means that the document made its way to the receiving paper tray.

Above all, call ahead to get the rules of engagement, especially from people to whom you plan to send faxes regularly. After all, you are asking for permission to use their expensive equipment and their even more valuable time.

Calling ahead requires an investment of a few minutes of telephone time, but it pays off by conveying the impression that you take the process, and the information to be sent, seriously. Also ask if a follow-up call is necessary.

If receivers decline to give their fax numbers, respect their wishes. Some people buy fax machines in the spirit that it is better to transmit than to receive. – This article originally appeared in the NY Times, 1989

Is the Fax Machine and Its Etiquette Still Relevant Today? Yes!

 From 2012:

The culture of handwriting is firmly rooted in Japan. The majority of resumes or CVs (curriculum vitae) are still handwritten because Japanese employers are said to judge people's personalities from their writings.

Fax machines gather dust in parts of the world, consigned to history since the rise of email. Yet in Japan, a country with a hi-tech reputation, the fax is thriving.

At Japan's talent agency HoriPro Inc, Yutaro Suzuki is busy writing up his next project proposal. Not typing, but writing by hand.

HoriPro is one of the largest and oldest agencies in the country and Suzuki publicises almost 300 singers and actors. But behind this glamorous profile, he cordially writes detailed schedules by hand.

"It takes longer but my feelings and passion come across better," says the 48-year-old public relations expert. "I find emails very cold so I prefer to fax handwritten documents."

In a country which boasts one of the fastest broadband speeds in the world, Suzuki thinks his affection for the fax may be a rare case in such a tech-savvy country. But 87.5% of Japanese businessmen surveyed by the Internet Fax Research Institute say that a fax machine is a crucial business tool.

And Suzuki's preference reflects aspects of Japanese culture which still embrace fax machines, despite their disappearance from parts of the developed world.

Firstly, the culture of handwriting is firmly rooted here. For example, the majority of resumes are still handwritten because Japanese employers are said to judge people's personalities from their writings.

For season's greetings cards, don't dare think of sending computer generated messages, says Midori's "how to write a letter" website.

"New Year's cards without handwritten messages come across as businesslike and automatic," it says.

                        

Though what we once used daily for a century, has nearly been tossed to the wayside due to new technology, 87.5% of Japanese businessmen surveyed by the Internet Fax Research Institute in 2012 say that a fax machine is a crucial business tool.

Not surprisingly, people aspire to have good handwriting. Calligraphy remains one of the most popular lessons that parents send their children to and many adults take private lessons to improve their writings, too.


Secondly, Japan is obsessed with hard copies. People like to hold actual documents, not just to receive soft copies.


"You may miss an email but if you fax a document, it's physically there so you cannot miss it," says Setsuko Tsushima who runs a real estate agency.


"Even if I am not in the office, other staff would notice that an urgent document has come through," she adds.


For any official documents including housing contracts, they also require seals instead of signatures in Japan.


The majority of the population has a seal called jitsuin which is officially registered as theirs through a government office.

Unless original documents must be submitted in person, fax machines again come in handy because documents stamped with seals can be sent.

There is another reason Japan continues to use fax machines in the email era.

Japan is a country known to be high-tech but not everyone is. More than a fifth of the population is aged over 65.

The older generation who cannot keep up with emails still prefer to use fax machines.

That is why Supermarket Aeon has decided to take orders by fax and phone, not just on their website.

"We started taking orders online in 2008 but received quite a few requests from customers, especially in rural areas, that they prefer to order by phone or fax," says Hideo Binnaka who heads the online sales team.

"They are mainly our older customers so we also offer to check up on them if we don't receive any orders for a month to make sure that they are ok."

There are two types of Japanese consumers: those who are very high-tech and others who are still wedded to traditional forms.

The majority of Japanese households - 58.6% of them according to the government - still owns a fax machine, which also functions as a phone.

They are not necessarily clunky and old, however, because the manufacturers continue to release new models which have the latest technology including online faxing. It allows users to fax a document by using the internet.

The Internet Fax Research Institute says that more Japanese companies are keen to use e-fax (a fax sent using the internet) due to advantages such as cost reduction, business efficiency and environmental friendliness.

But for Suzuki, nothing beats handwriting. "I draw maps, too," he says. And there it is, on his summer party invitation, a map to the venue with every detail that partygoers need. –From BBC News, Tokyo, by Mariko Oi, 2012

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia