Bad Manners Are a Great Handicap

“If an American young man possessing the average American manhood could have the courteous, deferential manner toward women (I mean all women, old and ugly as well as young and beautiful) that we find in most foreigners whom we meet he would be simply irresistible. For women like brain and brawn as well as manners, but sometimes bad manners can destroy the effect of every other virtue.” — Etiquipedia believes that while the sentiments expressed here have much merit, this young woman tosses the words, “old.” “pretty” and “ugly” about when discussing other women, a little too freely. Maybe she needs to take her own advice and exhibit some better manners!

Trifles Proclaim the Gentleman 

What I Would Tell a Man — If I Dared 

By a “Pretty Girl”

I can’t say that I have ever really been in love, but I can say that I have been disillusioned more than once, and the reason therefore- well, it can be traced to the same cause. I have been out for some three sessons and my experience extends to several cities and includes one winter abroad. Ah, that winter abroad! I suppose it was during that time that my eyes were opened to the glaring breaches of etiquette and incongruities of conduct committed daily by our American young men. Mind, I don't say that I prefer any foreigner to our own young men, only their manners.

If an American young man possessing the average American manhood could have the courteous, deferential manner toward women (I mean all women, old and ugly as well as young and beautiful) that we find in most foreigners whom we meet he would be simply irresistible. For women like brain and brawn as well as manners, but sometimes bad manners can destroy the effect of every other virtue.

Not long ago I thought I was really in love with a certain young man who was very attentive. He was quite handsome and I felt highly flattered and pleased-and something more. He danced with me oftener than any one else at balls and cotillons. He sent me flowers and I always managed to be at home when he called. For some time our affairs ran smoothly enough, but one evening we were guests at dinner at the same house and were placed opposite to each other at table. Our affair had not progressed far enough for us to count upon being always placed together. “Umph! I'm sorry for Hal,” murmured the young man on my right, indicating my friend opposite. “I happen to know that he doesn't like to talk about art, and there he is next to Miss Escher, who can talk of nothing else.”

“But at dinner we should fit into our surroundings,” I replied. “I suppose he'll behave as though he adored the subject of art.”
And I watched to see. For one evening I tried to look at my hero with disinterested eyes. I saw him deliberately turn his back upon poor Miss Escher and devote himself to a pretty little thing on his left. While watching him thus through other eyes, as it were, I saw other things which had heretofore escaped me. I saw that his napkin was tucked into his collar, his spoon was in his cup, and his knife and fork reposed on the table with one end on his plate. The scales began to fall from my eyes, for it is my belief that all these little things proclaim the man and the gentleman.

Another time I liked a young man enough to think I was in love with him until one day I saw him use a toothpick is public! I know all these things seem trivial, but then life is made up of small things, and these trifles are more important to a woman than some of the great things. Impoliteness seems to be a common fault of the young men of today, as the hostesses who suffer inconvenience therefrom can testify.

How often do you see one of these young men deny himself the pleasure of a smoke in order to rescue some pining wallflower? How many of them ever make a “party call”? When you think about it seriously, are we young women so much to blame when we become fascinated with the ways of gentlemen across the water? I firmly believe that if our young men of today were equally as gracious in their manners as their foreign rivals we would seldom hear of an American girl marrying any other than an American man. At present I am saving my smiles for some American of congenial tastes and disposition whose manners will not offend, but he is hard to find. — San Francisco Call, April, 1909

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia