When to Use “Lady” or “Gentleman”

In this country refinement and nobility of character are the chief qualities that regulate giving or withholding the title of “lady,” and these qualities no woman should claim for her herself, though she may strive faithfully and well to possess them. Gentlemen ask “if the ladies are at home.” … Grave censure is expressed in the words “he is not a gentleman,” and only grave circumstances justify anyone in giving such a verdict.
— Photo source of HBO’s The Gilded Age”, Twitter

“Lady” and “Gentleman”: When to use these terms

THE words “lady” and “gentleman” are so deeply rooted in our nomenclature and serve so good a purpose that their perversion to all sorts and conditions of uses is as much to be regretted as the slight upon the strong and noble meaning of the words “man” and “woman.” The distinctions between their wrong and right uses are not obscure, though they cannot be guaged by exact rules. 

The mistress of the house says to her servants-and to her children also, if they be still juveniles— “I expect some ladies to visit me to-morrow,” but in referring to them in conversation with an adult, she may observe, “they are women of very quiet tastes.” It would not be incorrect for her to say they are “ladies of very quiet tastes,” hence it is a mistake to assert that the words “lady” and “woman”can never be used interchangeably; but it would be manifestly inelegant, in speaking of the prospective guests to servants or to young children, to call them “women.” 

A matron may address or speak of young ladies as “girls,” but if she be not an intimate, it is more usual for her to speak of them as “young ladies” and to address them collectively as “young women”; not that such a mode of address takes precedence of the salutation by name, but it is permissible on occasion.

Delicacy may justify a refined, highly-bred woman in speaking of another who sews for her as “a lady, who through reverses,” etc., but such a woman would use the word “woman” outside of such a connection more frequently than “lady.” The word lady is, however, much abused in just such a connection as this, without any good The ludicrousness of “fore-lady,” “sales-lady,” etc., is discovered by contrasting therewith “fore-gentleman,” “sales-gentleman.” One is really as sensible as the other. The alternate or correspondent of the word “man” is the word “woman,” and the word lady is not an equivalent term.

In this country refinement and nobility of character are the chief qualities that regulate giving or withholding the title of “lady,” and these qualities no woman should claim for her herself, though she may strive faithfully and well to possess them. Gentlemen ask “if the ladies are at home.” 

Chivalry bends the knee (poetically and metaphorically nowadays) to “my lady;” and refined custom has made the word “lady” preferable to any other when the universal sentiments of polite deference and formal consideration are to be expressed; but when a tribute to those graces and endowments which make a woman admirable is expressed, it is always her womanliness that is emphasized.

The same reasoning applies to the words man and gentleman. Less tendency to the contradiction of terms is, however, noticeable in the use of the masculine appellations. Manliness is an attribute which everyone honors, and the smallest boy rejoices to be thought worthy of being called “manly.” In so far as fashion has any use of choosing terms, she is strongly in favor of Saxon “man” and “woman.” The general use of these terms has been brought about by the abuse of “lady” and “gentleman,” and frequent references which include the latter terms are now voted stilted and overnice.

“The men are looking for some ladies who would enjoy a game of tennis,” says a polite host. “I can promise all the young women a pleasant evening, for there will be a great many dancing men present,” a hostess adds. One gentleman says to another, in expressing his admiration, “Miss Blank is my ideal of a lovely and lovable woman” (mind he does not say of a lovely lady), but in the same breath he may say “Let us join the ladies (not the women) on the balcony.”

Grave censure is expressed in the words “he is not a gentleman,” and only grave circumstances justify anyone in giving such a verdict. Well-bred people are supposed to be always worthy of being pronounced “ladies” and “gentlemen,” but never to require these titles; hence the bad form of giving either word a ridiculous prominence in conversation.

Another word, which is in danger of being made the target of ridicule, is “gentlewoman.” It is a good word and expresses a great deal, but it loses its value when it occurs too often either in speech or writing. Its social meaning varies somewhat from the definition of the word “lady,” but its actual meaning amounts to about the same. 

“Lady-like” and “gentlemanly” both have their proper uses. Their improper use is a sad gaucherie of speech, while “womanly” and “manly” rarely lead to misunderstanding and usually express all that is required of them.

It is polite to assume for another that he or she is a “gentleman” or a “lady,” because such an assumption leads to a high standard, which only the willfully vulgar or the entirely untrained person will obviously depart from, and this polite social expedient certainly bespeaks for the two powerful words, which express all its meaning and carry all its force, a most respectful and permanent hold upon the regard of those who have learned their full value. — From “Good Manners,” by Eliza M. Lavin, 1888

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia