Etiquette is a Social Lubricant

There is no special etiquette for our way of bathing, though there was for poor little Queen Marie Antoinette, who always bathed with a group of ladies-in-waiting looking on. Because we bathe in private, we can hold the soap as we please and splash as loudly as we want without running the risk of being ill bred. All society asks us is that, we shall be well tubbed and we can suit ourselves as to the method of securing that result. —Kirsten Dunst and Judy Davis portraying a young Marie Antoinette and “Madame Etiquette” in the 2006 film, “Marie Antoinette” — Photo source, Pinterest 

Sometimes, as was the case in the court of Louis XIV of France, etiquette runs away with itself and becomes ridiculous. In that court it was a breach of etiquette if anyone but a certain nobleman handed the King his Royal undershirt when he awoke in the morning. Another noble held his wash basin and another held the taper to his prayer book when he went through his friendly devotions. If we look far enough back in history we could find that even these absurd regulations had their basis in a matter of convenience.

Etiquette is the lubricating oil that makes the wheels of society run smoothly, and when Royal etiquette stipulates that a dozen or so graybeards, including the Prime Minister, should be present at the birth of a King’s son, you may be sure that that rule originated so that later no one might suggest that the heir to the throne was a changeling or an imposter. And the custom or etiquette goes on after most folk have forgotten the “why or wherefore” of it.

In present day American etiquette a constant weeding-out process is taking place. Almost as soon as the need for a certain rule of etiquette passes out, the etiquette becomes old fashioned, too. Practically every regulation of our etiquette can be traced to convenience or consideration. Take, for instance, the matter of table etiquette, the whole idea of our so-called table manners is to make meal time a period of pleasing process. 

If we all ate in private we might have the manners of pigs and give no one offense. But since we usually eat with our friends or families we must be very careful. We must go about it noiselessly and hence we have a certain list of rules for the management of the spoon and fork and knife, and because we would give offense to others if we spilled our food and were untidy about it, we have another set of rules for the management of the napkin, our position at the table and our mode, of masticating. In determining how to eat the various kinds of foods the idea seems to be to find a way by which the process can be made less offensive. 

There is no special etiquette for our way of bathing, though there was for poor little Queen Marie Antoinette, who always bathed with a group of ladies-in-waiting looking on. Because we bathe in private, we can hold the soap as we please and splash as loudly as we want without running the risk of being ill bred. All society asks us is that, we shall be well tubbed and we can suit ourselves as to the method of securing that result.

If we were hermits or Robinson Crusoes we should have few pages to our books of etiquette. So the closer we live, together, the more careful we should be of our manners. And for this reason, the city folks who dwell close together have to think more of etiquette than country folk. Complicated machinery always needs more lubricating oil than machinery of few parts and so folk who live in close contact with one another need the most rules of etiquette. — By Mary Marshall Duffee, 1917

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia