Table Manners of the “Charming”

The woman who forgets that napkins have a use at table, dissects a soft-shell crab as recklessly as though she might be conducting an exercise in zoology; puts her fingers in dishes with that air which bespeaks their importance as ingredients; reaches with her fork to the opposite extremity of the table for a biscuit, because she “never did like to trouble folks at the table;” she thinks the man who manipulates the carving knife and fork a martyr; as though it were anything but a pleasure to serve our own at table or elsewhere.

At My Own and My Neighbor's Table

“You're going out to tea to-day,

Be careful what you do;

Let all accounts that I shall hear

Be pleasant ones of you.

Don't spill your tea or gnaw your bread.

Or pester one another.”

THE person who takes dinner or tea at home in a disorderly, uncouth manner and surly mood, 300 days in the year, is far from being the charming companion at neighboring dinner or tea tables during the remaining sixty-five and one-quarter afternoons. Have you sat at table with the man who goes about his breakfast, dinner and supper as he would clear up a blackberry field, every bush of which he owed a particular grudge, slashing here and there, snapping his fingers at the waitress who may happen to be delinquent or careless, or eating the entire contents of the pickle jar while waiting, because that was near and nothing else happened to be within reaching distance?


This is the man who causes you to feel homesick ; you lose your appetite and long for a beautiful picture, a glimpse of the ocean, a dish of violets or daisies anything devoid of animal life, for if the first element that goes to make a perfect man is a perfect animal, we are not content to have him rise no higher than the animal. This man is a trifle less obnoxious than the woman who forgets that napkins have a use at table, dissects a soft-shell crab as recklessly as though she might be conducting an exercise in zoology; puts her fingers in dishes with that air which bespeaks their importance as ingredients; reaches with her fork to the opposite extremity of the table for a biscuit, because she “never did like to trouble folks at the table;” she thinks the man who manipulates the carving knife and fork a martyr; as though it were anything but a pleasure to serve our own at table or elsewhere.

‘Twas Matthew Prior who said: of nervous, tired, critical people meet. That human being who is naturally indelicate, will be doubly so at table, the indelicacy increasing with age. For spilling tea there may be an excuse; for gnawing bread only a slender one, and that when the staff of life comes out with hard crust; but for “one another” who that has witnessed the process pestering would extenuate or palliate the offense? A wise man once expressed his preference for a dry morsel taken quietly, over a house full of sacrifices accompanied by strife, which, no doubt, means that he would will ingly see every drop of the tea spilled and gnaw his bread silently, crusts and all, rather than be pestered.

But why not have the tea (dry morsels are not conducive to health), the bread, a choice bit or two, dainties, if you will, to coax the appetite, all flavored with such conversational delicacies as are spontaneous, such side dishes of mirth as contribute to good digestion; for a laugh is scarcely less beneficial to the man or woman physically or mentally overworked than the dessert of ripe fruit. If you would be happy at your own table and contribute to the happiness of others there:

• Spare a few thoughts to the needs of others.  

• Make guests at home. 

• Give your special aversions a rest. Discuss such subjects as – well, anything that admits of being talked over good-naturedly. 

• If you have not the happy faculty of the first Lord Houghton in selecting your guests, consider well their adaptabilities. 

• Provide palatable and digestible food; not a stingy allowance, neither an overpowering quantity. 

• Give children a little license in table manners, not compelling them to use any one form, as, “I'd thank you for the butter,” or, “Will you please to pass the oranges?” Set forms destroy all sociability. 

• At breakfast, refrain from telling how many times you heard the clock strike during the night. 

• Remain silent rather than allude to your false teeth, if you are so fortunate as to own a set. 

• Smile your sweetest in declining what disagrees with you, never troubling yourself or others with the recital of its effects on the system. – Mrs. Anna P. Payne, 1892

 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia