Regency Etiquette, Creoles and Quadroons of New Orleans

“I left England with feelings so strongly opposed to slavery, that it was not without pain I witnessed its effects around me.” Frances Trollope, in Chapter 2 of “Domestic Manners of the Americans,” first published in 1832 

"On first touching the soil of a new land, of a new continent, of a new world, it is impossible not to feel considerable excitement and deep interest in almost every object that meets us. New Orleans presents very little that can gratify the eye of taste, but nevertheless there is much of novelty and interest for a newly arrived European. The large proportion of blacks seen in the streets, all labour being performed by them; the grace and beauty of the elegant Quadroons, the occasional groups of wild and savage looking Indians, the unwonted aspect of the vegetation, the huge and turbid river, with its low and slimy shore, all help to afford that species of amusement which proceeds from looking at what we never saw before. 

The town has much the appearance of a French Ville de Province, and is, in fact, an old French colony taken from Spain by France. The names of the streets are French, and the language about equally French and English. The market is handsome and well supplied, all produce being conveyed by the river. We were much pleased by the chant with which the Negro boatmen regulate and beguile their labour on the river; it consists but of very few notes, but they are sweetly harmonious, and the Negro voice is almost always rich and powerful. 

By far the most agreeable hours I passed at New Orleans were those in which I explored with my children the forest near the town. It was our first walk in "the eternal forests of the western world," and we felt rather sublime and poetical. The trees, generally speaking, are much too close to be either large or well grown; and, moreover, their growth is often stunted by a parasitical plant, for which I could learn no other name than "Spanish moss;" it hangs gracefully from the boughs, converting the outline of all the trees it hangs upon into that of weeping willows.

The chief beauty of the forest in this region is from the luxuriant undergrowth of palmetos, which is decidedly the loveliest coloured and most graceful plant I know. The pawpaw, too, is a splendid shrub, and in great abundance. We here, for the first time, saw the wild vine, which we afterwards found growing so profusely in every part of America, as naturally to suggest the idea that the natives ought to add wine to the numerous production of their plenty-teeming soil. The strong pendant festoons made safe and commodious swings, which some of our party enjoyed, despite the sublime temperament above-mentioned. 

Notwithstanding it was mid-winter when we were at New Orleans, the heat was much more than agreeable, and the attacks of the mosquitos incessant, and most tormenting; yet I suspect that, for a short time, we would rather have endured it, than not have seen oranges, green peas, and red pepper, growing in the open air at Christmas. In one of our rambles we ventured to enter a garden, whose bright orange hedge attracted our attention; here we saw green peas fit for the table, and a fine crop of red pepper ripening in the sun. 

Agostina Bruins’ “Women of Color with their Children and Servants in a Landscape”

A young Negress was employed on the steps of the house; that she was a slave made her an object of interest to us. She was the first slave we had ever spoken to, and I believe we all felt that we could hardly address her with sufficient gentleness. She little dreamed, poor girl, what deep sympathy she excited; she answered us civilly and gaily, and seemed amused at our fancying there was something unusual in red pepper pods; she gave us several of them, and I felt fearful lest a hard mistress might blame her for it. How very childish does ignorance make us! and how very ignorant we are upon almost every subject, where hearsay evidence is all we can get! I left England with feelings so strongly opposed to slavery, that it was not without pain I witnessed its effects around me. At the sight of every Negro man, woman, and child that passed, my fancy wove some little romance of misery, as belonging to each of them; since I have known more on the subject, and become better acquainted with their real situation in America, I have often smiled at recalling what I then felt. 

The first symptom of American equality that I perceived, was my being introduced in form to a milliner; it was not at a boarding-house, under the indistinct outline of "Miss C—," nor in the street through the veil of a fashionable toilette, but in the very penetralia of her temple, standing behind her counter, giving laws to ribbon and to wire, and ushering caps and bonnets into existence. She was an English woman, and I was told that she possessed great intellectual endowments, and much information; I really believe this was true. Her manner was easy and graceful, with a good deal of French tournure; and the gentleness with which her fine eyes and sweet voice directed the movements of a young female slave, was really touching: the way, too, in which she blended her French talk of modes with her customers, and her English talk of metaphysics with her friends, had a pretty air of indifference in it, that gave her a superiority with both. 

I found with her the daughter of a judge, eminent, it was said, both for legal and literary ability, and I heard from many quarters, after I had left New Orleans, that the society of this lady was highly valued by all persons of talent. Yet were I, traveller-like, to stop here, and set it down as a national peculiarity, or republican custom, that milliners took the lead in the best society, I should greatly falsify facts. I do not remember the same thing happening to me again, and this is one instance among a thousand, of the impression every circumstance makes on entering a new country, and of the propensity, so irresistible, to class all things, however accidental, as national and peculiar.

“Our stay in New Orleans was not long enough to permit our entering into society, but I was told that it contained two distinct sets of people, both celebrated, in their way, for their social meetings and elegant entertainments.”

On the other hand, however, it is certain that if similar anomalies are unfrequent in America, they are nearly impossible elsewhere. In the shop of Miss C— I was introduced to Mr. M'Clure, a venerable personage, of gentlemanlike appearance, who in the course of five minutes propounded as many axioms, as "Ignorance is the only devil;" "Man makes his own existence;" and the like. He was of the New Harmony school, or rather the New Harmony school was of him. He was a man of good fortune, (a Scotchman, I believe), who after living a tolerably gay life, had "conceived high thoughts, such as Lycurgus loved, who bade flog the little Spartans," and determined to benefit the species, and immortalize himself, by founding a philosophical school at New Harmony.

There was something in the hollow square legislations of Mr. Owen, that struck him as admirable, and he seems, as far as I can understand, to have intended aiding his views, by a sort of incipient hollow square drilling; teaching the young ideas of all he could catch, to shoot into parallelogramic form and order. This venerable philosopher, like all of his school that I ever heard of, loved better to originate lofty imaginings of faultless systems, than to watch their application to practice. With much liberality he purchased and conveyed to the wilderness a very noble collection of books and scientific instruments; but not finding among men one whose views were liberal and enlarged as his own, he selected a woman to put into action the machine he had organized.  

As his acquaintance with this lady had been of long standing, and, as it was said, very intimate, he felt sure that no violation of his rules would have place under her sway; they would act together as one being: he was to perform the functions of the soul, and will everything; she, those of the body, and perform everything. The principal feature of the scheme was, that (the first liberal outfit of the institution having been furnished by Mr. M'Clure,) the expense of keeping it up should be defrayed by the profits arising from the labours of the pupils, male and female, which was to be performed at stated intervals of each day, in regular rotation with learned study and scientific research. 

Famous creole, Madame Pierre Gautreau, in a painting by John Singer Sargent. The term "creole" was first used by French settlers to distinguish between someone born "from away" and anyone born in Louisiana. Someone could be African Creole, Native American Creole, French-Creole or Spanish-Creole.

 

But unfortunately the soul of the system found the climate of Indiana uncongenial to its peculiar formation, and, therefore, took its flight to Mexico, leaving the body to perform the operations of both, in whatever manner it liked best; and the body, being a French body, found no difficulty in setting actively to work without troubling the soul about it; and soon becoming conscious that the more simple was a machine, the more perfect were its operations, she threw out all that related to the intellectual part of the business, (which to do poor soul justice, it had laid great stress upon), and stirred herself as effectually as ever body did, to draw wealth from the thews and sinews of the youths they had collected. When last I heard of this philosophical establishment, she, and a nephew-son were said to be reaping a golden harvest, as many of the lads had been sent from a distance by indigent parents, for gratuitous education, and possessed no means of leaving it. 

Our stay in New Orleans was not long enough to permit our entering into society, but I was told that it contained two distinct sets of people, both celebrated, in their way, for their social meetings and elegant entertainments. The first of these is composed of Creole families, who are chiefly planters and merchants, with their wives and daughters; these meet together, eat together, and are very grand and aristocratic; each of their balls is a little Almack's, and every portly dame of the set is as exclusive in her principles as the excluded but amiable Quandroons, and such of the gentlemen of the former class as can by any means escape from the high places, where pure Creole blood swells the veins at the bare mention of any being tainted in the remotest degree with the Negro stain. 

Of all the prejudices I have ever witnessed, this appears to me the most violent, and the most inveterate. Quadroon girls, the acknowledged daughters of wealthy American or Creole fathers, educated with all of style and accomplishments which money can procure at New Orleans, and with all the decorum that care and affection can give; exquisitely beautiful, graceful, gentle, and amiable, these are not admitted, nay, are not on any terms admissable, into the society of the Creole families of Louisiana. They cannot marry; that is to say, no ceremony can render an union with them legal or binding; yet such is the powerful effect of their very peculiar grace, beauty, and sweetness of manner, that unfortunately they perpetually become the objects of choice and affection. If the Creole ladies have privilege to exercise the awful power of repulsion, the gentle Quadroon has the sweet but dangerous vengeance of possessing that of attraction.

The unions formed with this unfortunate race are said to be often lasting and happy, as far as any unions can be so, to which a certain degree of disgrace is attached. There is a French and an English theatre in the town; but we were too fresh from Europe to care much for either; or, indeed, for any other of the town delights of this city, and we soon became eager to commence our voyage up the Mississippi. Miss Wright, then less known (though the author of more than one clever volume) than she has since become, was the companion of our voyage from Europe; and it was my purpose to have passed some months with her and her sister at the estate she had purchased in Tennessee. This lady, since become so celebrated as the advocate of opinions that make millions shudder, and some half-score admire, was, at the time of my leaving England with her, dedicated to a pursuit widely different from her subsequent occupations. Instead of becoming a public orator in every town throughout America, she was about, as she said, to seclude herself for life in the deepest forests of the western world, that her fortune, her time, and her talents might be exclusively devoted to aid the cause of the suffering Africans.

Her first object was to shew that nature had made no difference between blacks and whites, excepting in complexion; and this she expected to prove by giving an education perfectly equal to a class of black and white children. Could this fact be once fully established, she conceived that the Negro cause would stand on firmer ground than it had yet done, and the degraded rank which they have ever held amongst civilized nations would be proved to be a gross injustice.
This question of the mental equality, or inequality between us, and the Negro race, is one of great interest, and has certainly never yet been fairly tried; and I expected for my children and myself both pleasure and information from visiting her establishment, and watching the success of her experiment.

“On the first of January, 1828, we embarked on board the Belvidere, a large and handsome boat...”

The innumerable steam boats, which are the stage coaches and fly waggons of this land of lakes and rivers, are totally unlike any I had seen in Europe, and greatly superior to them. The fabrics which I think they most resemble in appearance, are the floating baths (les bains Vigier) at Paris. The annexed drawing will give a correct idea of their form. The room to which the double line of windows belongs, is a very handsome apartment; before each window a neat little cot is arranged in such a manner as to give its drapery the air of a window curtain. This room is called the gentlemen's cabin, and their exclusive right to it is somewhat uncourteously insisted upon. The breakfast, dinner, and supper are laid in this apartment, and the lady passengers are permitted to take their meals there. On the first of January, 1828, we embarked on board the Belvidere, a large and handsome boat; though not the largest or handsomest of the many which displayed themselves along the wharfs; but she was going to stop at Memphis, the point of the river nearest to Miss Wright's residence, and she was the first that departed after we had got through the customhouse, and finished our sight-seeing.

We found the room destined for the use of the ladies dismal enough, as its only windows were below the stem gallery; but both this and the gentlemen's cabin were handsomely fitted up, and the former well carpeted; but oh! that carpet! I will not, I may not describe its condition; indeed it requires the pen of a Swift to do it justice. Let no one who wishes to receive agreeable impressions of American manners, commence their travels in a Mississippi steam boat; for myself, it is with all sincerity I declare, that I would infinitely prefer sharing the apartment of a party of well conditioned pigs to the being confined to its cabin.

I hardly know any annoyance so deeply repugnant to English feelings, as the incessant, remorseless spitting of Americans. I feel that I owe my readers an apology for the repeated use of this, and several other odious words; but I cannot avoid them, without suffering the fidelity of description to escape me. It is possible that in this phrase, "Americans," I may be too general. The United States form a continent of almost distinct nations, and I must now, and always, be understood to speak only of that portion of them which I have seen. In conversing with Americans I have constantly found that if I alluded to anything which they thought I considered as uncouth, they would assure me it was local, and not national; the accidental peculiarity of a very small part, and by no means a specimen of the whole. "That is because you know so little of America," is a phrase I have listened to a thousand times, and in nearly as many different places. It may be so—and having made this concession, I protest against the charge of injustice in relating what I have seen.

From “Domestic Manners of the Americans,” first published in 1832, by Frances 'Fanny' Trollope, 1780—1863 (Mother of the author Anthony Trollope)

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia  Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette of 19th C. Balls and Assembly Rooms

“Dance only from the hips downwards” was the guiding etiquette rule.

Dancing has been defined as a "graceful movement of the body, adjusted by art to the measures or tunes of instruments, or of voice;" and again, "agreeable to the true genius of the art, dancing is the art of expressing the sentiments of the mind, or the passions, by measured steps or bounds made in cadence, by regulated motions of the figure and by graceful gestures; all performed to the sound of musical instruments or the voice."

Lord Chesterfield, in his letters to his son, says: "Dancing is, in itself, a very trifling and silly thing: but it is one of those established follies to which people of sense are sometimes obliged to conform; and then they should be able to do it well. And though I would not have you a dancer, yet, when you do dance, I would have you dance well, as I would have you do everything you do well." 

In another letter, he writes: "Do you mind your dancing while your dancing master is with you? As you will be often under the necessity of dancing a minuet, I would have you dance it very well. Remember that the graceful motion of the arms, the giving of your hand, and the putting off and putting on of your hat genteelly, are the material parts of a gentleman's dancing. But the greatest advantage of dancing well is, that it necessarily teaches you to present yourself, to sit, stand, and walk genteelly; all of which are of real importance to a man of fashion."

When a gentleman accompanies a lady to a ball he will at once proceed with her to the door of the ladies' dressing-room, there leaving her; and then repair to the gentlemen's dressing-room. In the mean time, the lady, after adjusting her toilet, will retire to the ladies' sitting-room or wait at the door of the dressing-room, according as the apartments may be arranged. After the gentleman has divested himself of hat, etc., and placed the same in the care of the man having charge of the hat-room, receiving therefor a check, and after arranging his toilet, he will proceed to the ladies' sitting-room, or wait at the entrance to the ladies' dressing-room for the lady whom he accompanies, and with her enter the ball-room. The ladies' dressing-room is a sacred precinct, into which no gentleman should ever presume to look; to enter it would be an outrage not to be overlooked or forgiven.
                                      

A gentleman introduced to a lady by a floor manager, or the Master of Ceremonies, should not be refused by the lady if she be not already engaged, for her refusal would be a breach of good manners, regardless of his height.

With the etiquette of a ball-room, so far as it goes, there are but few people unacquainted. Certain persons are appointed to act as floor managers, or there will be a "Master of the Ceremonies," whose office it is to see that everything be conducted in a proper manner: if you are entirely a stranger, it is to them you must apply for a partner, and point out (quietly) any young lady with whom you should like to dance, when, if there be no obvious inequality of position, they will present you for that purpose; should there be an objection, they will probably select some one they consider more suitable; but do not, on any account, go to a strange lady by yourself, and request her to dance, as she will unhesitatingly "decline the honor," and think you an impertinent fellow for your presumption.

A gentleman introduced to a lady by a floor manager, or the Master of Ceremonies, should not be refused by the lady if she be not already engaged, for her refusal would be a breach of good manners: as the Master of Ceremonies is supposed to be careful to introduce only gentlemen who are unexceptionable. But a gentleman who is unqualified as a dancer should never seek an introduction.

At a private party, a gentleman may offer to dance with a lady without an introduction, but at balls the rule is different. The gentleman should respectfully offer his arm to the lady who consents to dance with him, and lead her to her place. At the conclusion of the set he will conduct her to a seat, offer her any attention, or converse with her. A gentleman should not dance with his wife, and not too often with the lady to whom he is engaged.

Any presentation to a lady in a public ball-room, for the mere purpose of dancing, does not entitle you to claim her acquaintance afterwards; therefore, should you meet her, at most you may lift your hat; but even that is better avoided—unless, indeed, she first bows— as neither she nor her friends can know who or what you are.

In inviting a lady to dance with you, the words, "Will you honor me with your hand for a quadrille?" or, "Shall I have the honor of dancing this set with you?" are more used now than "Shall I have the pleasure?" or, "Will you give me the pleasure of dancing with you?" If she answers that she is engaged, merely request her to name the earliest dance for which she is not engaged, and when she will do you the honor of dancing with you.

When a young lady declines dancing with a gentleman, it is her duty to give him a reason why, although some thoughtless ones do not. No matter how frivolous it may be, it is simply an act of courtesy to offer him an excuse; while, on the other hand, no gentleman ought so far to compromise his self-respect as to take the slightest offence at seeing a lady by whom he has just been refused, dance immediately after with some one else.

Never wait until the signal is given to take a partner, for nothing is more impolite than to invite a lady hastily, and when the dancers are already in their places; it can be allowed only when the set is incomplete.

Be very careful not to forget an engagement. It is an unpardonable breach of politeness to ask a lady to dance with you, and neglect to remind her of her promise when the time to redeem it comes.

If a friend be engaged when you request her to dance, and she promises to be your partner for the next or any of the following dances, do not neglect her when the time comes, but be in readiness to fulfill your office as her cavalier, or she may think that you have studiously slighted her, besides preventing her obliging some one else. Even inattention and forgetfulness, by showing how little you care for a lady, form in themselves a tacit insult.

In a quadrille, or other dance, while awaiting the music, or while unengaged, a lady and gentleman should avoid long conversations, as they are apt to interfere with the progress of the dance; while, on the other hand, a gentleman should not stand like an automaton, as though he were afraid of his partner, but endeavor to render himself agreeable by those "airy nothings" which amuse for the moment, and are in harmony with the occasion. The customary honors of a bow and courtesy should be given at the commencement and conclusion of each dance.
               

Unless a man has a very graceful figure, and can use it with great elegance, it is better for him to walk through the quadrilles, or invent some gliding movement for the occasion.

Lead the lady through the quadrille; do not drag her, nor clasp her hand as if it were made of wood, lest she, not unjustly, think you a bear. You will not, if you are wise, stand up in a quadrille without knowing something of “the figure; and if you are master of a few of the steps, so much the better. But dance quietly; do not kick and caper about, nor sway your body to and fro; dance only from the hips downwards; and lead the lady as lightly as you would tread a measure with a spirit of gossamer.

Do not pride yourself on doing the "steps neatly," unless you are ambitious of being taken for a dancing-master; between whose motions and those of a gentleman there is a great difference. Unless a man has a very graceful figure, and can use it with great elegance, it is better for him to walk through the quadrilles, or invent some gliding movement for the occasion.

When a lady is standing in a quadrille, though not engaged in dancing, a gentleman not acquainted with her partner should not converse with her. When an unpracticed dancer makes a mistake, we may apprise him of his error; but it would be very impolite to have the air of giving him a lesson.

Immediate attention should be paid to any request made by the Master of Ceremonies, and all misunderstandings respecting the dance should be referred to him, his decision being deemed final. Otherwise his superintendence of the ball will be attended with great inconvenience.

When forming for quadrilles, if by any oversight you should accidentally occupy another couple's place, on being informed of the intrusion, you should immediately apologize to the incommoded party, and secure another position. Contending for a position in quadrilles, at either head or sides, indicates an irritable and quarrelsome disposition altogether unsuited for an occasion where all should meet with kindly feelings.

When a company is divided into different sets, persons should not attempt to change their places without permission from the Master of Ceremonies. No persons engaged in a quadrille or other dance that requires their assistance to complete the set, should leave the room or sit down before the dance is finished, unless on a very urgent occasion, and not even then without previously informing the Master of Ceremonies, that he may find substitutes. If a lady waltz with you, beware not to press her waist; you must only lightly touch it with the palm of your hand, lest you leave a disagreeable impression not only on her ceinture, but on her mind.

Above all, do not be prone to quarrel in a ball-room; it disturbs the harmony of the company, and should be avoided if possible. Recollect that a thousand little derelictions from strict propriety may occur through the ignorance or stupidity of the aggressor, and not from any intention to annoy; remember, also, that the really well-bred women will not thank you for making them conspicuous by over-officiousness in their defence, unless, indeed, there be some serious or glaring violation of decorum. In small matters, ladies are both able and willing to take care of themselves, and would prefer being allowed to overwhelm the unlucky offender in their own way.

When a gentleman has occasion to pass through an assemblage of ladies, where it is absolutely impossible to make his way without disturbing them; or when he is obliged to go in front, because he cannot get behind them, it is but common courtesy for him to express his regret at being compelled to annoy them. A gentleman having two ladies in charge may, in the absence of friends, address a stranger, and offer him a partner, asking his name previous to an introduction, and mentioning that of the lady to him or not, as he may think proper.

It is improper to engage or reëngage a lady to dance without the permission of her partner. Never forget that ladies are to be first cared for, to have the best seats, the places of distinction, and are entitled in all cases to your courteous protection. Young ladies should avoid sauntering through an assembly-room alone; they should either be accompanied by their guardian or a gentleman. Neither married nor young ladies should leave a ball-room assemblage, or other party, unattended. The former should be accompanied by other married ladies, and the latter by their mother or guardian. Of course, a gentleman is a sufficient companion for either.

Young ladies should avoid attempting to take part in a dance, particularly a quadrille, unless they are familiar with the figures. Besides rendering themselves awkward and confused, they are apt to create ill-feeling, by interfering with, and annoying others. It were better for them to forego the gratification of dancing than to risk the chances of making themselves conspicuous, and the subject of animadversion. 

As we have elsewhere said, modesty of deportment should be the shining and preëminent characteristic of woman. She should be modest in her attire, in language, in manners and general demeanor. Beauty becomes irresistible when allied to this lodestone of attraction; plainness of features is overlooked by it; even positive homeliness is rendered agreeable by its influence.

When a gentleman escorts a lady to a ball, he should dance with her first, or offer so to do; and it should be his care to see that she is provided with a partner whenever she desires to dance. After dancing, a gentleman should invariably conduct a lady to a seat, unless she otherwise desires; and, in fact, a lady should not be unattended, at any time, in a public assembly.

When you conduct your partner to her seat, thank her for the pleasure she has conferred upon you, and do not remain too long conversing with her. When that long and anxiously desiderated hour, the hour of supper, has arrived, you hand the lady you attend up or down to the supper-table. You remain with her while she is at the table, seeing that she has all that she desires, and then conduct her back to the dancing-rooms.

If, while walking up and down a public promenade, you should meet friends or acquaintances whom you don't intend to join, it is only necessary to salute them the first time of passing; to bow or nod to them at every round would be tiresome and therefore improper; have no fear that they will deem you odd or unfriendly, as, if they have any sense at all, they can appreciate your reasons. If you have anything to say to them, join them at once.

We have already alluded to the necessity of discarding all cant terms and phrases from conversation, not only in assembly-rooms, but on all occasions; and we would particularly caution our young lady friends against even the recognition of those équivoques and double entendre which the other sex sometimes inconsiderately, but oftener determinedly, introduce.

Neither by smiles nor blushes should they betray any knowledge of the hidden meaning that lurks within a phrase of doubtful import, nor seem to recognize anything which they could not with propriety openly make a subject of discourse. All indelicate expressions should be to them as the Sanscrit language is to most people, incomprehensible. All wanton glances and grimaces, which are by libertines considered as but so many invitations to lewdness, should be strictly shunned.

No lady can be too fastidious in her conduct, or too guarded in her actions. A bad reputation is almost as destructive of happiness to her as absolute guilt; and of her character we may say with the poet: “A breath can make them, or a breath unmake."

In dancing, generally, the performers of both sexes should endeavor to wear a pleasant countenance; and in presenting hands, a slight inclination of the head, in the manner of a salutation, is appropriate and becoming. Dancing is certainly supposed to be an enjoyment, but the sombre countenance of some who engage in it, might almost lead to the belief that it were a solemn duty being performed. If those who laugh in church would transfer their merriment to the assembly-room, and those who are sad in the assembly-room would carry their gravity to the church, they both might discover the appositeness of Solomon's declaration, that "there is a time to be merry and a time to be sad."
                         

The "Father of English Grammar,” Lindley Murray

We have already alluded to the importance of a correct use of language in conversation, and though we are aware that it is absolutely impossible to practice it without a certain degree of education, yet we would urge that the habit which many acquire, more through carelessness than ignorance, of disregarding it, is worthy of consideration. Many a young lady has lost a future husband by a wanton contempt for the rules of Lindley Murray.

Though hardly a case in point, we cannot forego the opportunity of recording an incident in the career of a young man "about town," who, anxious to see life in all its phases, was induced to attend a public ball, the patrons of which were characterized more for their peculiarity of manners than their extraordinary refinement. 

On being solicited by an acquaintance, whom he respected for his kindness of heart and integrity rather than for his mental accomplishments, to dance with his daughter, he consented, and was accordingly introduced to a very beautiful young lady. Ere the dance commenced, and while the musicians were performing the "Anvil Chorus," from "Trovatore," the young lady asked: "Do you know what that 'ere is?" Supposing that she meant air, and wishing to give her an opportunity of making herself happy in the thought of imparting a valuable piece of information, in utter disregard of the principles of Mrs. Opie, he replied, "No." "Why," said she, "that's the Anvel Core-ri-ous." With an expletive more profane than polite, he suddenly found his admiration for the lady as much diminished by her ignorance, as it had before been exalted by her beauty.

At private assemblies, it should be the effort of both ladies and gentlemen to render themselves as agreeable as possible to all parties. With this purpose in view, the latter should, therefore, avoid showing marked preferences to particular ladies, either by devoting their undivided attentions or dancing exclusively with them. Too often, the belle of the evening, with no other charms than beauty of form and feature, monopolizes the regards of a circle of admirers, while modest merit, of less personal attraction, is both overlooked and neglected. 

We honor the generous conduct of those, particularly the "well-favored," who bestow their attentions on ladies who, from conscious lack of beauty, least expect them. “On the other hand, no lady, however numerous the solicitations of her admirers, should consent to dance repeatedly, when, by so doing, she excludes other ladies from participating in the same amusement; still less, as we have elsewhere hinted, should she dance exclusively with the same gentleman, to the disadvantage of others.

Both ladies and gentlemen should be careful about introducing persons to each other without being first satisfied that such a course will be mutually agreeable. The custom, in this country, particularly among gentlemen, of indiscriminate introductions, is carried to such a ridiculous extent, that it has often been made the subject of comment by foreigners, who can discover no possible advantage in being made acquainted with others with whom they are not likely to associate for three minutes, in whom they take not the slightest interest, and whom they probably will never again encounter, nor recognize if they should. Besides, every one has a right to exercise his own judgment and taste in the selection of acquaintances, and it is clearly a breach of politeness to thrust them upon your friend or associate, without knowing whether it will be agreeable to either party.

From “Martine's Hand-book of Etiquette, and Guide to True Politeness”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for 19th C. Ladies

You can never be rude if you bear the rule always in mind, for what lady likes to be treated rudely?

In preparing a book of etiquette for ladies, I would lay down as the first rule, “Do unto others as you would others should do to you.” You can never be rude if you bear the rule always in mind, for what lady likes to be treated rudely?

True Christian politeness will always be the result of an unselfish regard for the feelings of others, and though you may err in the ceremonious points of etiquette, you will never be impolite.

Politeness, founded upon such a rule, becomes the expression, in graceful manner, of social virtues. The spirit of politeness consists in a certain attention to forms and ceremonies, which are meant both to please others and ourselves, and to make others pleased with us; a still clearer definition may be given by saying that politeness is goodness of heart put into daily practice; there can be no true politeness without kindness, purity, singleness of heart, and sensibility.

True politeness is the language of a good heart, and those possessing that heart will never, under any circumstances, be rude. 

Many believe that politeness is but a mask worn in the world to conceal bad passions and impulses, and to make a show of possessing virtues not really existing in the heart; thus, that politeness is merely hypocrisy and dissimulation. Do not believe this; be certain that those who profess such a doctrine are practising themselves the deceit they condemn so much.

Such people scout politeness, because, to be truly a lady, one must carry the principles into every circumstance of life, into the family circle, the most intimate friendship, and never forget to extend the gentle courtesies of life to every one. This they find too much trouble, and so deride the idea of being polite and call it deceitfulness.

True politeness is the language of a good heart, and those possessing that heart will never, under any circumstances, be rude. They may not enter a crowded saloon gracefully; they may be entirely ignorant of the forms of good society; they may be awkward at table, ungrammatical in speech; but they will never be heard speaking so as to wound the feelings of another; they will never be seen making others uncomfortable by seeking solely for their own personal convenience; they will always endeavor to set every one around them at ease; they will be self-sacrificing, friendly, unselfish; truly in word and deed, polite.

Give to such a woman the knowledge of the forms and customs of society, teach her how best to show the gentle courtesies of life, and you have a lady, created by God, only indebted for the outward polish to the world.

It is true that society demands this same unselfishness and courtesy, but when there is no heart in the work, the time is frittered away on the mere ceremonies, forms of etiquette, and customs of society, and this politeness seeks only its own ends; to be known as courteous, spoken of as lady-like, and not beloved as unselfish and womanly.

Thoughts on Etiquette and Manners, by Florence Hartley, 1860 

Etiquette exists in some form in all countries, has existed and will exist in all ages. From the rudest savage who dares not approach his ignorant, barbarous ruler without certain forms and ceremonies, to the most polished courts in Europe, or the home circles of America, etiquette reigns.

True politeness will be found, its basis in the human heart, the same in all these varied scenes and situations, but the outward forms of etiquette will vary everywhere. Even in the same scene, time will alter every form, and render the exquisite polish of last year, obsolete rudeness next year.

Politeness, being based upon real kindness of heart, cannot exist where there is selfishness or brutality to warp its growth. It is founded upon love of the neighbor, and a desire to be beloved, and to show love. Thus, where such pure, noble feelings do not exist, the mere forms of politeness become hypocrisy and deceit.

Rudeness will repel, where courtesy would attract friends. Never by word or action notice the defects of another; be charitable, for all need charity. Remember who said, "Let him that is without fault cast the first stone." Remember that the laws of politeness require the consideration of the feelings of others; the endeavor to make every one feel at ease; and frank courtesy towards all.
Never meet rudeness in others with rudeness upon your own part; even the most brutal and impolite will be more shamed by being met with courtesy and kindness, than by any attempt to annoy them by insolence on your part. Politeness forbids any display of resentment. The polished surface throws back the arrow.

Remember that a favor becomes doubly valuable if granted with courtesy, and that the pain of a refusal may be softened if the manner expresses polite regret. Kindness, even to the most humble, will never lose anything by being offered in a gentle, courteous manner, and the most common-place action will admit of grace and ease in its execution.

Let every action, while it is finished in strict accordance with etiquette, be, at the same time, easy, as if dictated solely by the heart. To be truly polite, remember you must be polite at all times, and under all circumstances. – From 1860 Vanity Fair Magazine, Taken from the Ladies' Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness in 1860, By Florence Hartley

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and the Art of Listening

Humorous depiction of men talking about their feelings. 

-Image source, Pinterest

To converse, is not to talk continually, as prattlers suppose; it is to listen and speak in our turn; we must not acquit ourselves the less well in the one than in the other. To do this, we should attend half of the time to the person who is addressing us, (on this account it is impolite to do any work while talking;) if they hesitate or are embarrassed you should appear not to notice it, and in case you are a little acquainted, after a few moments, you should, in a very modest manner, supply the word which seems to have escaped them. If they are interrupted by any incident, when the cause of the interruption shall have ceased, you will not wait until they resume the conversation, but with a smile of benevolence, and an engaging gesture, request them to proceed; "please to continue; you were just saying?"...

If we are obliged in this manner, to palliate any such interruption, much more, ought we never to allow ourselves to be the cause of it. This is so rigorous a rule, that if, in the warmth of conversation, two persons commence speaking at once, both ought to stop immediately, when they perceive it, and each, while excusing themselves, to decline proceeding. It is proper for the one worthy of the most respect to resume the conversation.

If a person shall relate anything to you, who, without having any pleasantry, makes attempts at it; and without being affecting, endeavors to move you, however wearied you may be, appear pleased and assume an air of interest. If the narrator wanders into long digressions, have patience to let him extricate himself alone from the labyrinth of history. If the history is interminable, be resigned, and do not appear less attentive. This condescension is especially to be observed, if you are listening to an elderly or respectable person. If the merciless story-teller is your equal or friend, you may say to him, in order to induce him to finish his narration, "and finally... ."

Novices in the customs of the world, think they can abruptly interrupt a conversation which is begun, by asking to have some incidents, which they have not understood, explained, or by making the person who is telling the story repeat the names; this should not be done until after some consideration, and in the most polite manner. If the narrator pronounces badly; if you see that other hearers are in the same situation as yourself; if you foresee that for want of having followed him in his narration, you will not be able to reply with politeness, you can in this case, interrupt; but in some such manner as this; "I ask your pardon, Sir, I fear I have lost some part of your interesting conversation, will you be kind enough to repeat it," etc... . It is necessary also, to choose a favorable moment, as for instance, when the narrator pauses, hesitates for a word, or stops to take his handkerchief.

When a person relates to you a plain falsehood, the art of listening becomes embarrassing, for if you seem to believe it, you would pass for a fool, and if you appear to doubt it, you will pass for an uncivil person. An air of coldness, a slight attention, an expression like the following, "That is astonishing," will extricate you honorably from your embarrassment; but when an event is narrated which is only extraordinary, or not improbable, your manner should be otherwise. Your countenance should express astonishment, and you should reply by a phrase of this kind; "If I did not know your strict regard for the truth, or if any person but you had told me this, I should have hardly believed it." Under no circumstances should you interrupt him.

It happens sometimes that you foresee some incident in an interesting story; and the pleasure that you find in this; the desire of showing that you have guessed correctly, and the intention of proving how much you are interested, induce you to interrupt suddenly in this manner, "I see it, it is so, exactly." An interruption of this kind, although well meant and natural, will offend old persons, who like to tell a story at full length, and will confound formal narrators, who will be in despair that a phrase is taken from them which they had intended for effect; these interruptions are only allowable among our intimate friends, or inferiors, for otherwise you will have an ill-humored answer to your, "I see it," etc... as with a triumphant air, "egad, but you can't see it," etc... which is always embarrassing.

The worst kind of interruption of all others, is that which hauteur dictates. A clever person seizing hold of a story which another is telling, and with the intention of making it more lively, becomes, notwithstanding his eloquence, a model of impertinence and vulgarity. It is, doubtless, hard to see a fool spoil a good anecdote, of which he might have made something interesting; but if we should not be restrained by politeness from expressing our feelings, we ought to be by interest. Now hearers of delicacy will remain silent to the conclusion of the recital, and will address themselves with good feelings to the poor narrator who is injured in his rights.

Interruption is pardonable if it is made to prove or clear up a fact in favor of a person who is absent. When they accuse you, you can, according to strict rules, interrupt by an exclamation, but it is better to do it by a gesture. There is often much art and grace in listening, while you gesticulate gently; for example, by counting upon the fingers; by making a gesture of surprise; by a motion of assent, or an exclamation. This is a tacit manner of saying, "ah, I recollect, you are right," and charms the narrator without interrupting him.

In a lively, animated and friendly dialogue, we can interrupt each other by turns, in order to finish a sentence which is begun, or to improve an epithet; this contributes to vivacity in discourse, but it ought not, however, to be too often repeated. There are many shoals to be avoided in listening, and which always betray inexperience in society. To say from time to time to the narrator, "Yes, yes," by nodding the head, making motions with the hand, a custom of old persons, and which is a good representation of a pendulum ; to keep the eyes fixed and the mouth gaping open; to have an air of an absent person or of one in a reverie; to point the finger at persons designated by the narrator; to gape without concealing by the hand or the handkerchief, which is by no means flattering to the speaker; to cast your eye frequently towards the clock--all these habits are offences against good *ton.

* The ton is a term commonly used to refer to Britain's high society in the Regency and reign of George IV, and later. During the eighteenth century, it was borrowed from the French word meaning "taste" or "the highest style" and is pronounced the same way as "tone." The full phrase is "le bon ton," meaning good manners or "in the fashionable mode" – characteristics held as ideal by the British beau monde. –From "Etiquette" 1866

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Early 16th C. Etiquette and Virtue

The Schoole of Vertue was a popular book on manners and morals for children, published in 1582.

First, say this prayer: “O God! enable us to follow virtue. Defend us this day. Let us abound with virtues, flee from vice, and go forward in good doing to our live’s end.”
Repeat the Lord’s Prayer night and morning. 

How to wash and dress yourself:

Don’t sleep too long.
Rise early; cast up your bed, and don’t let it lie.
Go down, salute your parents, wash your hands, comb your head, brush your cap and put it on.
Tie on your shirt-collar, fasten your girdle, rub your breeches, clean your shoes, wipe your nose on a napkin, pare your nails, clean your ears, wash your teeth.
Have your torn clothes mended, or new ones obtained.
Get your satchell and books, and haste to School, taking too pen, paper, and ink, which are necessary for use at school.
Then start off.

How to behave going to, and at, School:

Take off your cap to those you meet; give way to passers by.
Call your playmates on your road.
At School salute your master, and the scholars.
Go straight to your place, undo your satchell, take out your books and learn your lesson; stick well to your books.
If you don’t work, you’ll repent it when you grow up.
Who could now speak of famous deeds of old, had not Letters preserved them?
Work hard then, and you’ll be thought worthy to serve the state.
Men of low birth win honour by Learning, and then are doubly happy.
When you doubt, ask to be told.
Wish well to those who warn you.
On your way home walk two and two orderly (for which men will praise you); don’t run in heaps like a swarm of bees like boys do now.)
Don’t whoop or hallow as in fox-hunting don’t chatter, or stare at every new fangle, but walk soberly, taking your cap off to all, and being gentle.
Do no man harm; speak fair words.
On reaching home salute your parents reverently.

How to wait at table:

Look your parents in the face, hold up your hands, and say Grace before meate.
Grace before Meat.
Make a low curtesy; wish your parents’ food may do ’em good.
If you are big enough, bring the food to table.
Don’t fill dishes so full as to spill them on your parents’ dress, or they’ll be angry.
Have spare trenchers ready for guests.
See there’s plenty of everything wanted.
Empty the Voiders often.
Be at hand if any one calls. 

When the meat is over, clear the table:
1. cover the salt,
2. have a tray by you to carry things off on,
3. put the trenchers, &c., in one Voider,
4. sweep the crumbs into another,
5. set a clean trencher before every one,
6. put on Cheese, Fruit, Biscuits, and
7. serve Wine, Ale or Beer. 

When these are finished, clear the table, and fold up the cloth.
Then spread a clean towel, bring bason and jug, and when your parents are ready to wash, and when your parents are ready to wash, pour out the water.
Clear the table; make a low curtsey.

How to behave at your own dinner:

Let your betters sit above you.
See others served first, then wait a while before eating.
Take salt with your knife, cut your bread, don’t fill your spoon too full, or sup your pottage.
Have your knife sharp.
Don’t smack your lips or gnaw your bones: avoid such beastliness.
Keep your fingers clean, wipe your mouth before drinking.
Don’t jabber or stuff.
Silence hurts no one, and is fitted for a child at table.
Don’t pick your teeth, or spit too much.
Behave properly.
Don’t laugh too much.
Learn all the good manners you can.
They are better than playing the fiddle, though that’s no harm, but necessary; yet manners are more important. 

How to behave at Church:

Pray kneeling or standing.Confess your sins to God.
He knows your disease.
Ask in faith, and what you ask you shall have; He is more merciful than pen can tell.
Behave nicely in church, and don’t talk or chatter.
Behave reverently; the House of Prayer is not to be made a fair.
Avoid dicing and carding.
Delight in Knowledge, Virtue, and Learning.
Happy is he who cultivates Virtue.
Cursed is he who forsakes it.
Let reason rule you, and subdue your lusts.
These ills come from gambling: strife, murder, theft, cursing and swearing. 

How to behave when conversing:

Understand a question before you answer it; let a man tell all his tale.
Then bow to him, look him in the face, and answer sensibly, not staring about or laughing, but audibly and distinctly, your words in due order, or you’ll straggle off, or stutter, or stammer, which is a foul crime.
Always keep your head uncovered.
Better unfed than untaught. 

How to take a Message:

Listen to it well; don’t go away not knowing it.
Then hurry away, give the message; get the answer, return home, and tell it to your master exactly as it was told to you.

Against Anger, etc...

The slave of Anger must fall.
Anger’s deeds are strange to wise men.
A hasty man is always in trouble.
Take no revenge, but forgive.
Envy no one.
An ill body breeds debate.

The Fruits of Charity, etc...

Charity seeketh not her own, but bears patiently.
Love incites to Mercy.
Patience teaches forbearance.
Pray God to give thee Charity and Patience, to lead thee to Virtue’s School, and thence to Eternal Bliss.

Against Swearing:

Take not God’s name in vain, or He will plague thee.
Beware of His wrath, and live well in thy vocation.
What is the good of swearing?
It kindles God’s wrath against thee.
God’s law forbids swearing, and so does the counsel of Philosophers.

Against filthy talking:

Never talk dirt.
For every word we shall give account at the Day of Doom, and be judged according to our deeds.
Let lewd livers then fear.
Keep your tongue from vain talking.

Against Lying:

To speak the truth needs no study, therefore always practise it and speak it.
Shame is the reward of lying.
Always speak the truth.
Who can trust a liar?
If a lie saves you once, it deceives you thrice.

                       
                              From Francis Segar, 1582

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette History of British Army Mess-Rooms

The mess in particular constituted a very great expense. This mess, which the Emperor Napoleon III established in the regiments of the Garde Impiriale, following the example of the English army, which he greatly admired, is not only a place where men meet for their meals, but a club, and very often a club of the most elegant description, maintaining the highest standard of excellence as to surroundings, cuisine, and personnel. The government pays a portion of the furnishings, but all the rest, — the silverware, the china, glass, etc. — is the property of the Mess, and is administered by a committee of three officers.

THE English army before the war was a very aristocratic institution. The law of 1871, passed after the Franco-Prussian War, had suppressed the purchase of officers' commissions — before that time the authorized price for com- missions varied from £450, for an Ensigncy in the Infantry, to £7,250 for a commission of Lieutenant-Colonel in the Life Guards — the Royal Warrant abolishing the system of purchase had substituted that of entrance examinations, but, as a general thing, the corps of officers was recruited from the same social class as in the day of Thackeray's novels, partly from the nobility, whose members generally remained but a short time; partly from old military families, true guardians of glorious traditions; and partly also from among the sons of rich parvenus of commerce and industry, who, as in the, day of Vanity Fair, rose, in wearing the King's uniform, many rounds of the social ladder.

The number of officers who had risen from the ranks was very few, and for the most part, were the sons of prominent families who upon their entrance were named for "special recommendation." Even in later years, when the standard for military studies was very high, officers led an expensive existence. The costliness of the mess, the up-keep of polo ponies and hunters, the luxury of the uniforms, the elegancies of the social life, obliged an officer to spend a great deal more than his pay, arid it was practically impossible for an officer to serve, especially in some of the crack regiments, who was not possessed of large personal resources.

The mess in particular constituted a very great expense. This mess, which the Emperor Napoleon III established in the regiments of the Garde Impiriale, following the example of the English army, which he greatly admired, is not only a place where men meet for their meals, but a club, and very often a club of the most elegant description, maintaining the highest standard of excellence as to surroundings, cuisine, and personnel. The establishment is furnished by the state, and comprises, at least, a dining-room, the "Mess Room," a reception-room, the "ante-room," a billiard-room, a wine-cellar, and all the official apartments necessary for service. The government pays a portion of the furnishings, but all the rest, — the silverware, the china, glass, etc. — is the property of the Mess, and is administered by a committee of three officers.

Each newly-admitted officer pays, as in a club, an entrance fee, and annual dues. The government provides a yearly amount for the upkeep of the Mess. The expenses of each officer are paid monthly. The fittings of the mess of certain regiments are magnificent, the furnishings very handsome, the silver superb, and the wine-cellars of the first quality.

The Mess of the Horse Guards and of the Life Guards, of the Foot Guards, and of many other corps that I could name, are in no way inferior in elegance and perfection of style to the most exclusive and expensive clubs of any country. The officers — I speak of times of peace — always at dinner are in " mess kit," the special uniform for Mess, very elegant, heavily braided with gold upon the" particular color of the regiment — a uniform entirely different from that worn for service, or for parade. Besides the " King's Rules," which prescribe the functioning and administration of the Mess, there exist customs peculiar to the different corps, to which not only members of the Mess, but their guests as well, must strictly conform.

There is a great deal of entertaining at Mess: there are "Inspection Nights," and "Regimental Guest Nights," when the visitors are guests of the regiment or corps, and also "Guest Nights" when individual members may entertain. This question of entertaining is considered very important. Dining in Mess "is a Parade." All officers must dine in Mess on "Guest Night," unless very excellent reasons are given for being absent, but on "Inspection Night," or "Regimental Guest Night," they are obliged to be present, and may not excuse themselves. 

The intimate relationship which the war has established between the French officers and their comrades of the English army is the cause of many invitations, which will become more and more frequent now that the establishment of peace, and the maintenance of British regiments on French soil for an indefinite period, permit closer friendships; civilians are already, and will in future be still more, in receipt of invitations to Mess from the English officers. Now the esprit de corps, the old customs, the usages and privileges of the different corps are carefully and jealously observed by our allies. The new army has inherited them, and is as exacting in regard to them as the old. 

The war has admitted to the various regiments a very considerable number of men who have received commissions, but who have had previously no idea of military traditions or customs. To assist newcomers — "Warts" as they call the latest- arrived Second-Lieutenants in military slang — Lieutenant-Colonel E. G. Mackenzie, Staff Officer, Royal Fusifiers, has written a little pamphlet called Notes on Mess Etiquette. It should be of interest to all prospective Mess guests. We will give a few short extracts from it. Certainly those who are to have the honour of being entertained by our brave allies and friends will be glad to know of usages and customs, the omission of which would render them conspicuous or ridiculous. They will be happy "to know the ropes," as General Sir Bindon Blood said in his introduction to the little book in question, and with its aid to avoid "a bad break" (or la faucheuse gaffe). 

To give an idea of the rules and customs of certain corps, we may cite the fashion in the Royal Marines of drinking the King's health. The Royal Marines, whose device is "Per mare, per terram," are divided into two corps: the Royal Marine Artillery, and the Royal Marine Light Infantry. These are the crack corps, proud of a glorious history. There are also certain other regiments of infantry which were raised originally as "marines." These corps insist upon every custom which may recall this fact, and among them all the King's health is drunk, as in the Royal Marines, that is to say the corps remaining seated, while, in all other army corps the men rise and drink standing. This custom goes back to the days of three-deck vessels, when the rooms of the middle deck, among which was the dining- hall, had very low ceilings, where it would be difficult to stand. 

Evil tongues pretend that the custom came also from the fact that after dinner the rolling and pitching caused certain convives to find themselves more comfortable seated. The guest who was ignorant of this custom, but only knew in a general way that in the army everybody arose when the vice-president said: "Gentlemen, the King!" would be embarrassed to discover that he was the only person standing. 

The King's health is not proposed at all dinners, it is proposed only on "Band Night," or "Guest Night," when the band of the regiment plays. The King's health is drunk in the following manner: when the repast is ended, the president — before whom the wine is usually placed until it is circulated and poured — rises and says: "Mr. Vice, the King." The wine then makes the circuit of the table and all the glasses are filled. 

Under no condition may any one drink or even raise his glass until the toast is proposed. When all the glasses are filled the vice-president rises in his turn and says: "Gentlemen, the King." The band then plays "God Save the King." All the company rises, holding in the right hand the full glass. In certain regiments the officers respond: "The King ! God bless him !" after which everyone is seated. : On ordinary evenings the men may leave the table after the wine has been once around, on others it is the custom to wait until the senior officer rises, but on "Guest Night" no one may rise before the senior officer. In some regiments it is the rule that no officer shall leave the Menu until all the guests have left. 

The president and vice-president of the Mess are not necessarily the two officers of highest rank. It is a weekly service, taken in turn. During the week the men are "in roster" they take the places respectively at the head and foot of the table. The president is responsible for the conduct of the officers at Mess, and gives the orders to bring the coffee, the cigars, and cigarettes. The vice-president is always the last to leave the table, at least unless he has received from the president special permission to rise, in which case the president himself will remain until the last. 

The officers must be in the ante-room — the room adjoining the Mess-Room, at least five minutes before the bugle sounds the last call to dinner. Smoking is not permitted in the ante-room for an entire half-hour before dinner. When dinner is announced the senior officer present, passes out first, followed by all the others. If there is a guest present, the officer who is his host passes out first with him, if there are several guests, the oldest officer present passes out first with his, and the others follow with theirs according to age. An officer arriving late must excuse himself to either the president or the vice-president, whichever is nearest to his place. It is not permitted to smoke in the Mess-Room before the end of dinner. In certain Mess-Rooms the president or the senior officer gives the permission to smoke. No one is ever allowed to smoke a pipe. 

Each man in his mess pays for what he drinks. "Treating" is considered very bad form, though of course the expenses of a guest are charged to his host. In each Mess there is a "wine book," in which is entered every day the charge of each officer for wines and liquors. If there is a claim through error, it must be addressed directly to the president of the Mess Commission. When a stranger enters the ante-room it is the custom for all officers present to rise and salute. He is usually offered a drink and a cigarette, this expense being carried by the general account under the heading "Mess Guests." 

Never may the name of a lady be mentioned at mess; never may a bet be made there, nor may one ever "talk shop." In time of peace officers dress for dinner in "Mess Kit," with the exception of the "Orderly Officer," who is usually in service undress blue. Today an officer of the Regular Army, or an officer coming from the Regulars, may wear the undress blue every day after six o'clock. In most Mess-Rooms officers wear long trousers for dinner. If, for any reason, an officer is in breeches, he must excuse himself to the senior officer present in the ante-room, before dinner, for not being in proper dress. If a guest is himself an officer, he should, of course, be in uniform, but if he is a civilian he should wear a dress coat and a white tie. It would be extremely bad form for a guest to present himself in a " dinner- jacket" (which they call in Paris "smoking-jacket," the English always asking "Why smoking?" the "smoking- jacket" being a dressing gown) with a black tie- With the exception of the Officer of the Day, officers dining at mess do not wear the belt. It is always worn on special guest nights, or on inspection nights, or other formal occasions, but when an officer comes to dine at a mess as guest, the custom is that he should wear the belt. 

It is quite usual for a Mess to nominate officers of other corps, and even civilians* honorary members. In this case the committee addresses to the one so honored a letter or a printed card, asking him to consider himself an honorary member of the Mess during his stay in the district. To this invitation the rule is to reply with a note, written in the third person, thanking the chief of the corps and his officers for their courtesy, and assuring them that the writer will be happy to avail himself of the privilege. But all this does not mean that the invited member shall use the mess as though he were a member in reality. It is a simple formal courtesy; any one taking the invitation literally, and coming regularly to dine at the mess would be considered very badly informed. When one speaks to an officer, or of an officer, one designates him by his, rank: Major X., Captain Z., but when it is a subaltern, that is, a Lieutenant, or a Second-Lieutenant, one calls him Mr. Y., and not Lieutenant Y. The same rule holds in addressing a letter. We write: Captain Z. and Y. Esq. 

It is forbidden to bring dogs to the Mess. In most regiments a fine of five shillings is imposed on the owner of a dog found within the precincts of the Mess. No matter if you have at your side the most magnificent sabre in the world, a precious "arm of honor," etc., never think of drawing it from its scabbard in the Mess, even to display it. You would be loaded with fines from every corner of the room. When the wine is passed around the table it is well to remember always to pass it "as the hands of the clock move," that is, from left to right. It would be a grave fault to fail in this matter. It is a good rule, when invited to dine at a Mess, always to ask one's host if his regiment has special customs, for, I repeat, most regiments are very jealous of their privileges and traditions, and it is a matter of simple courtesy to inform one's self, and observe them.

By Frank Levray , Le Correspondent. — Translation, Lotus Magazine.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia