NY Wives Were Poor Bartenders

Out of the 500, she found only 12 who “never served cocktails,” which should warm the cockles of the distillers, if they wore not aware of it already. Of these, two declared their reasons were those of taste, and that they preferred Dubonnet or sherry to more potent before-dinner quaffs. On almost every call, Miss Howard was moved to say: “Fie, fie,” for the ladies of the house invariably excused their lack of cocktail knowledge with the information that they always left the mixing business to the men of the house.

A NEW YORKER AT LARGE

The “average New York hostess” knows much about cocktails as Eskimos know about the nocturnal habits of the hippopotamus. So, at least, concludes Cynthia Howard, writer and consultant on cocktail hour etiquette and recipes, after telephoning 500 New York hostesses for answers to a score of questions which she described as both pertinent and impertinent. 

Out of the 500, she found only 12 who “never served cocktails,” which should warm the cockles of the distillers, if they wore not aware of it already. Of these, two declared their reasons were those of taste, and that they preferred Dubonnet or sherry to more potent before-dinner quaffs. On almost every call, Miss Howard was moved to say: “Fie, fie,” for the ladies of the house invariably excused their lack of cocktail knowledge with the information that they always left the mixing business to the men of the house. 

“Housewives who pursue such a negligent path are likely to find themselves living alone, whether they like it or not,” warns the consultant hostess. Informed by the city's barkceps that the most popular mixed drinks are the Manhattan, Martini, Old Fashioned, Whiskey Sour and Bacardi cocktail. Miss Howard asked each hostess if she could mix any or all of them. 

The results, she says, “were appalling.” Only 3 per cent of the 488 who served cocktails were able to mix all five favorites; 7 per cent, four; 18 per cent, three; 20 per cent, two; 25 per cent, one; and 27 per cent none at all. Many of the ladies did not know.-By Jack Stinnett, New York, 1936

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A Knave on 1930’s Visiting Etiquette

 In the book, Great Expectations, by Charles Dickens, the character Estella exclaims of Pip, "He calls the knaves, jacks, this boy!" That line highlighted a social class difference between the two. The "knave" was always the correct term for the face card in a card deck. The term, "jack" was considered a more “lower class” or even slightly disrespectful way to refer to the card. The “boy” was clearly using a lower-class manner of speech during the card game.– Public domain image of a 17th century Knave of Spades

An Opinionated Column by “The Knave” on American Etiquette, from 1938

Social Usage American etiquette is not what it used to be. At least I hope not, after reading the chapter titled “Paying and Receiving Visits” in the anonymous work on social usage of the sixties on which I have commented in this Column from time to time. The most proper time to pay a morning visit in “the fashionable world,” we are informed, “is between 1 and 4 o'clock.” All I can say to this is that if I have to pay my morning visits between 1 and 4, you can count me out. 

I have never lost any sleep yet over the question of making morning calls, and I don't intend to begin now. “If the person to whom the visit is intended is not at home,” our informant continues, “leave your card.” At this point I am assailed by a dark suspicion. The author is continually instructing people to leave cards here and there. Practically every occasion, it would seem, calls for card. I am forced to the conclusion that the man who wrote “American Etiquette” was in the calling card business himself or had a good friend who was.

If you want to know how to conduct yourself when you go calling at 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning, read on: “In paying visits of ceremony a gentleman should not leave his hat in the hall, but take it with him in the room; and, except under peculiar circumstances he should not remain more than a quarter of an hour or 20 minutes.” I should like to serve notice on any prospective 4 a.m. callers that all such visits are peculiar as far as I am concerned. 

As to the 20-minute time limit on 4 a.m. calls, there are in my opinion, circumstances under which the time limit should be extended. In the case of those early morning visitors who enter by way of a second story window the rules of etiquette should be amended to grant an additional 15 minutes or so, depending on how well the host’s valuables are concealed. 

In the populace, it is not considered absolutely necessary to leave a card. But if you are a stickler for formality in such matters it is permissible for you to mail a card from the next town. In such cases it is considered good form to inscribe “P.D.Q.” on the card. As to frequency of visits, the author says only two visits a year are due persons with whom you are not very well acquainted. To this I might add that I have found that when people get better acquainted with me, they are generally satisfied with one visit a year or less. – By The Knave, in the Oakland Tribune, 1938

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Etiquette for Hitchhiking

All too frequently escaping prisoners or police characters use the “thumb” method of getting quickly from place to place. Too many goodhearted motorists have been slugged and robbed of their money and automobiles left stranded on lonely roads.
–With gasoline more expensive during WWII and conservation measures a must, Emily Post advised female employees of the U.S. Defense Department to hitchhike to work in 1942, just 3 years after this article was published.

Hitch-Hiking Highway Peril 

BE CAREFUL in picking up hitch-hikers. This warning was issued by police and highway patrol authorities recently as the summer touring season opened with highways in every direction lined with professional and amateur “thumbers.” So common has become the practice of “hitching” rides that set rules of etiquette and procedure for those seeking lifts have been widely circulated by experts in the business of chiseling transportation. 

Among other things the rules say: “It is found expedient to maintain a well-groomed appearance and a cheerful countenance. Books carried under the arm indicate a student and therefore an ambitious person commendable character. Bags and luggage or traveling kits should be carefully placed endwise so that the legs conceal them from the eyes of approaching motorists, yet may be snatched up at the first squeal of rubber on the pavement.”

But highway patrolmen and police know these tricks of the "hitchers" and many, more that are much more annoying to the motorists who furnish the free rides. All too frequently escaping prisoners or police characters use the “thumb” method of getting quickly from place to place. Too many goodhearted motorists have been slugged and robbed of their money and automobiles left stranded on lonely roads. 

“There is danger every time a motorist picks up a stranger,” E. Raymond Curto, state chief of the highway patrol recently said. “Almost every day some motorist is beaten or robbed by a hitch-hiker to whom he had extended courtesy of a lift.” With hitch-hikers so well organized that they issue rules of instruction to their kind, law enforcement officers charged with protection of the traveling public themselves suggest a few rules for the motorist. 

Never pick up a strange hiker when driving alone, is one of the first suggestions. Do not pick up hikers at night is another. At no time pick up a hitch-hiker if you are carrying money, jewelry or other valuables, and under no circumstances allow the hiker to drive your car. These are all good rules, and should be carefully observed by every motorist traveling today. While there are many deserving hikers wagging their thumbs along every travel artery it's far better to be safe than sorry. – Press Democrat,1939

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Diplomatic Etiquette and Ambassadors

“M.Paul Claudel, the French ambassador, like all ambassadors, must never be kept waiting. That is an old White House rule. It was the duty of the White House force to speed him to the President, and also to avoid if possible, any hint to him, that he arrived when he shouldn't.” M. Paul Claudel was not only a diplomat, but a French playwright and a poet.– Public domain image of M. Paul Claudel

WASHINGTON, Nov. 22.—A neat little problem in official etiquette has been avoided at the White House because President - elect Roosevelt’s visit to Washington today is an informal one. If a White House reception or dinner party had been by any chance planned, social “precedence’’ experts say that the distinguished visitor’s status would be strictly that of governor of New York state and nothing more. In other words cabinet members would socially outrank him at such a function. However, senators would not. President-elect Roosevelt's overnight stay here will be the first in some time. He turned down a 10 room proferred suite at the Mayflower hotel for a “kitchenette suites,” one with a bedroom, small breakfast room and kitchenette. Last spring the President-elect and Mrs. Roosevelt were in Washington for a dinner given by President Hoover to governors who had attended the Richmond. Va., conference of state executives. They occupied a small suite at the Mayflower hotel, but did not stay overnight, leaving here at 1 a. m. for New York. 

The list of President Hoover’s appointments for the day came out as usual yesterday— 11:45 a.m., Representative French; 12 noon, Representative Britten; 12:15 p.m., the French ambassador. The latter however upset the routine by coming just one hour early, although he may not yet know it. M.Paul Claudel, the French ambassador, like all ambassadors, must never be kept waiting. That is an old White House rule. It was the duty of the White House force to speed him to the President, and also to avoid if possible, any hint to him, that he arrived when he shouldn't. Pat McKenna, the usher, whisked the ambassador to Theodore Joslin, presidential secretary. “Just a moment, Mr. Ambassador.” said Joslin, bowing himself into the Presidential office, where Mr. Hoover was busy with problems of government. A moment later he returned. “Just step inside,” he said. And M. Claudel, still blithely ignorant of his prematureness stepped inside and paid his respects to the President, as new temporary dean of the diplomatic corps. “Any war debts talk,” Mr. Ambassador," chorused reporters when he came out. “War debts? Non, non, non, ’ he said, shaking his head. “I am just paying my respects. I have a hollow hat. Empty inside —I’m just dean of the corps.” – United Press International, 1932

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Unsolicited Lectures on Manners and More

 

A bit presumptuous, no? When “the Hungarian general Klapka, had been invited… to serve in our army during the civil war, he wrote to Gen. McClellan, giving his terms. Those terms were that he should be paid $100,000. in cash; that his annual salary should be $23,000; that he should serve as Gen. McClellan’s chief of staff for a short time, until familiar with English, and should then take McClellan’s place at the head of the American army...” above, Hungarian General György Klapka, was not only one of the most important Hungarian generals during their War of Independence of 1848–1849, but a politician as well as the deputy War Minister and a member of the Hungarian Parliament.– Public domain image of the General Klapka

The Benevolent Foreigner

Mrs. Micawber, in “David Copperfield,” when about to sail with her alway impecunious husband for Australia, announces that she wishes that husband to take his stand upon the vessel’s prow and firmly say. “This country I have come to conquer! Have you honors? Have you riches? Have you posts of profitable pecuniary emolument? Let them be brought forward. They are mine.” Fiction is always behind reality, and no fancied Micawber ever carried his effrontery so far as many instances, well authenticated, in actual life. 

When, for instance, the Hungarian general Klapka, had been invited by some agent of Mr. Seward’s to serve in our army during the civil war, he wrote to Gen. McClellan, giving his terms. Those terms were that he should be paid $100,000. in cash; that his annual salary should be $23,000; that he should serve as Gen. McClellan’s chief of staff for a short time, until familiar with English, and should then take McClellan’s place at the head of the American army. There was nothing unexampled about this. 

We meek and patient Americans are constantly in the position of being lectured on manners by foreigners so ill bred that, were they Americans, they would never have a second invitation into well bred company; on pronunciation and language by persons unable to make themselves heard before an audience; on the graces of literature and art by orators who cannot even dispose of their own arms and legs without the greatest discomfort long suffering at we are by nature, Americans have had so much put upon them in these ways that the revenge taken in Europe by Barnum and Buffalo Bill seems hardly too severe an international retribution.— T. W. L. , 1889

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Japanese Picnic Etiquette and History

Here, the greatest number of picnics are held in the spring during the period of admiring the blooming sakura - hanami. The two main components of hanami: seasonal products with the addition of sakura or in the form of sakura flowers and picnics under the blooming sakura.

It's summer now, which means it's time to talk about picnics. Very often, a picnic is associated with the summer season. But in Japan, it is a little different. Here, the greatest number of picnics are held in the spring during the period of admiring the blooming sakura - hanami. The two main components of hanami: seasonal products with the addition of sakura or in the form of sakura flowers and picnics under the blooming sakura.

This custom first arose among the nobility during the Nara period (710-794). The first grand hanami festival was organized by Emperor Saga in 812. Japanese aristocrats spent many hours under flowering trees, enjoying exquisite drinks and reading Japanese poetry.

To hold a picnic, you need to prepare in advance. This is an important part of the hanami etiquette. First of all, the items that you need to bring to the park are determined. First of all, it is a vinyl mat, since it is customary to sit directly on the ground during a picnic.

When the capital was moved from Kyoto to Edo (modern Tokyo), cherry blossoms were brought from the city of Nara and planted in the capital's Ueno Park. Today, it is the most popular place in Tokyo to admire the cherry blossoms and have picnics under the blossoming trees, of which there are currently more than 2,000.

To hold a picnic, you need to prepare in advance. This is an important part of the hanami etiquette. First of all, the items that you need to bring to the park are determined. First of all, it is a vinyl mat, since it is customary to sit directly on the ground during a picnic.

Secondly, a folding table on which you can put drinks and food. It is also recommended to take a small blanket, because the weather is quite cool in the spring. And from the point of view of etiquette, ladies can cover their knees with it, it looks more aesthetically pleasing. People come to hanami with relatives, friends, and colleagues. So there is an opportunity to visit spring picnics several times.

What is usually eaten during a picnic: food and drinks. Food is usually o-bento, and drinks can be both non-alcoholic and alcoholic. O-bento are portioned boxes with food, which I will talk about later.

During picnics it is very pleasant to open bento and see that everything was prepared with creativity and imagination. Thus, beautiful and aesthetic compositions are obtained. Of course, this is always a complimentary topic for small talk.

As for alcoholic drinks, you should always remember that the purpose of the holiday is to admire the blossoming sakura, feel harmony with nature, communicate with loved ones, and not to taste a large number of alcoholic drinks. Of course, anything can happen. You should also definitely bring garbage bags. At the end of the picnic, everything should remain as clean as it was before the picnic.

Let’s talk about o-bento. Bento it is the joy of a traditional Japanese lunch and picnic. O-bento is an important part of the daily diet of the Japanese. Of course, it is also customary to prepare such boxes with food for picnics.

Traditionally, bento is meant to be a meal for one person. When picnics are organized, it is agreed who will cook what, and accordingly, bento is for several people. What unites bento? That it is always a surprise. ⠀ According to the rules of table etiquette, the ingredients are prepared with great attention to detail. It is important to consider the color, the placement of products in the box, the balance of nutrients, etc… — everything should be harmonious. To add variety, a number of simple and at the same time unusual kitchen utensils are also used.

Depending on the season, it is customary to make figurines from food, for example, cherry blossoms if it is spring. In summer - sunflowers and roses. In autumn in the form of bright maple leaves. In winter with a Christmas theme. Yes, in Japan there are picnics in winter, this is usually on the island of Okinawa, where the air temperature does not fall below 15 degrees Celsius.

Bento is usually wrapped in traditional furoshiki shawls (square pieces of fabric), the pattern of which is recommended to match the season.

The obligatory components of bento are rice, meat or fish, pickled, boiled or fresh vegetables. Also, for picnics, fruits and beans are often put in bento. Lovers of bread, cheese and sausages also put these ingredients in their boxes, because it is important that it is tasty, beautiful, and that the food is liked.
Bento is usually wrapped in traditional furoshiki shawls (square pieces of fabric), the pattern of which is recommended to match the season. In Japan, bento is not just food, it is a part of the culture, expressing care, attention and a creative approach to organizing food.

During picnics it is very pleasant to open bento and see that everything was prepared with creativity and imagination. Thus, beautiful and aesthetic compositions are obtained. Of course, this is always a complimentary topic for small talk.

Meet Elena Gavrilina-Fujiyama, our newest contributor to Etiquipedia. Elena is a specialist in Japanese protocol and etiquette, and European social etiquette. The founder of the project Etiquette748, Elena is also a member of the National Association Specialist of Protocol. She authored the best-selling book “Japanese Etiquette: Ancient Traditions and Modern Rules” after living in Japan for over 20 years.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Politically Correct vs Polite Etiquette

The usual defense by those who express nastiness is that they are being frank and honest about what they think. As indeed they are. But that does not make their spoken opinions any less nasty.

Miss Manners: What's the difference between politically incorrect and rude?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the light of rude comments made by political candidates under the guise of not being politically correct, could you please explain how to be polite without being politically correct?

GENTLE READER: Good question. As modern usage of the term "politically correct" has meant refraining from delivering wholesale insults to groups of people, that would be difficult.

The usual defense by those who express nastiness is that they are being frank and honest about what they think. As indeed they are. But that does not make their spoken opinions any less nasty.

When much of the public stopped tolerating hate talk, Miss Manners was thrilled. It became her favorite counterexample to those who believe that etiquette has steadily deteriorated since the days of King Arthur or at least their own vaguely remembered childhoods.

But now this tremendous advance is being threatened by both detractors and supporters of political correctness.

Those who scorn the term declare that political correctness is a danger to our constitutional right to free speech, which Miss Manners, like all Americans, holds sacred. No, it is not. Surely you have noticed that lots of people are exercising their legal right to spew obnoxious thoughts, and there are no legal reprisals. Etiquette relies on voluntary compliance.

True, there are social reprisals. Those who seize their right to be offensive should not be shocked that others take offense.

But name-calling is not conducive to debate. All serious arenas of conflict — legislatures, courtrooms, athletic contests — have rules against this. That is necessary because holding opposing goals and debating actual issues require treating opponents with respect.

Yet even that has been perverted by some of the proponents of political correctness. An aggressive form of what calls itself sensitivity — and yet attacks people for perceived slights when clearly none were intended — is, itself, insensitive to the point of rudeness.

Miss Manners is particularly discouraged when such people try to extend the ban on bigotry to cover topics they might find upsetting, even for reasons of private experience. This would reduce meaningful discourse to universally approved issues, presuming that such things existed.

What these critics and proponents of political correctness have in common, besides an ugly presumption of ill-will in others, is an inability to imagine, much less strive for, a civilized society in which sincerely held differences can be safely aired.

The resulting confusion is that many people deplore political correctness when they only mean to declare that they support the principle of free speech and dislike arrogance disguised as sensitivity.

That blanket condemnation puts them in the position of defending cruelty, vulgarity and bigotry. So she suggests that everyone take a look at the content of what is said in the name of eschewing political correctness — is it expressing something nasty? — and judge political candidates accordingly. – By Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, United Feature Syndicate, February, 2016

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Etiquette for Hugging

“It certainly feels good to hug someone you love, and based on research on the health benefits of touch (Gallace & Spence, 2010), it should also provide a boost to your immune system. Hugging, of course, takes place in many situations, from greetings and goodbyes to funeral condolences and congratulations to college grads.” – Psychology Today, 2016

In 1987, the city of Tustin in California offered a “Hugging Workshop” which offered hugging how to hug, hug etiquette and a diploma for those who attended the workshop.: “Hugging Workshop The City of Tustin is offering a Hugging Workshop March 11. Come learn the facts about hugging and how to be a hug therapist. This workshop will include hug demonstrations, proper hug etiquette, as well as class participation. Psychologists suggest this daily hug prescription: four hugs for survival, eight hugs for maintenance and twelve hugs for growth. Don't miss this unique opportunity to have your hug prescription filled and to become an alumni of HUG-U, complete with your diploma!” – Tustin News, 1987

Clearly, we could use some guidelines to help us determine when to hug and when to shake hands, or whether to avoid any touching whatsoever. These seven empirically-based rules will help you avoid the embarrassment, or worse, from a poorly-timed or unwelcome hug.

1. Try to gauge the other person’s signals. Some people automatically hug without giving it a second thought. If you’re an over-hugger, you need to pause before you lunge to test out the other person’s body language. If he or she is standing straight as a board and shows no signs of bending toward you, either let the other person initiate the hug, or if you must touch, hold out your hand.
2. Decide who might like to hug, but would find your hug to be offensive. In a study of attitudes toward touch among cross-sex friendships, Miller et al. (2014) found that women who were not in a heterosexual relationship tended not to want to be hugged by men. You might seem to be trying to make a move on a person you’re considering hugging if she’s unattached. Age may also play a factor .
3. Figure out the best way to hug. A team of European researchers headed by Isac Sehlstedt (2016) found that older adults gave higher ratings to touch than did younger adults. They responded more affirmatively to such questions as “I am easily bothered if someone I do not know hugs me.” However, they did not seem to be more likely to initiate hugs, based on their response to the statement, “I usually seek physical contact with other people.” Older adults particularly seemed to like what’s called “CT touch” that is slow and gentle—some refer to CT as social/affective touch. It is most likely what you will feel when someone gives you a warm and gentle hug. If you’re going to hug someone, then, the chances are someone older will better receive your hug than someone younger, and it should be gentle (i.e., not a “bear hug”). However, don’t assume that just because someone is an older adult that they will welcome the hug, as cultural and other social factors might make that hug seem ill-timed.
4. Look at what other people are doing in the situation. A graduation hug may be one that’s repeated 50 times by everyone going through the ceremony. Or you might be in the receiving line at a wedding reception, funeral, or other highly-charged emotional events. If you’re the first person going through the line, then follow the first rule above. But if you’re in the middle of the pack, you should have plenty of data to help you know the right way to behave.
5. Be careful when hugging someone at work.Given the growing concern about sexual harassment cases, it’s wise to stay away from hugging as a way to show you care about your colleagues. For the most part, you should err on the side of not hugging, even if you think it would be welcomed by someone you believe you know reasonably well. It’s best to leave hugging for special occasions such as when someone leaves the company or retires, but again, only if it seems acceptable in the context of your workplace.
6. Know when a “safe haven” hug is called for. A hug may help someone who’s emotionally hurting, in which case it is much like the hug a parent would give a small child. The term “safe haven” refers to the ability of a hug to make someone feel cared for and understood. This hug may be longer and is best to offer to someone you know reasonably well.
7. Be prepared to reciprocate a hug offered to you. Perhaps you’re not a huggy type, but others around you are. If you don’t hug back, you’ll be perceived as unfriendly and standoffish. If you’re truly bothered by hugging, are afraid of catching someone else’s germs, or the other person is sweaty or a little smelly, figure out a nice way to edge out of it. As they move in toward you, turn your body to the side, extend your hand for a shake or stiffen up a bit and try to avoid contact. If this happens repeatedly, you might say, "As you might have noticed, I’m not much of a hugger.” They may appreciate that bit of honesty as much as an actual reciprocated hug. – From “7 Basic Rules for Hugging” in Psychology Today, 2016

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Gilded Age Romeos and Juliets

“The smitten youth finally conformed with etiquette and approached the banker with the subject of accepting him as a son-in-law. He was met with a point blank refusal…” –  I’m sure it’s safe to say that romantic pairings have often been considered “unsuitable” to parents of one or both sides of a couple, since humans started pairing up and settling down, so many, many centuries back in time. Above, the lovely Peggy Scott and her handsome beaux, Dr. Kirkland, picnicking at Newport in  HBO’s series, “The Gilded Age.” Their blooming romance is seemingly about to get rocky due to parental interference. Image source, Pinterest.

A Romeo–esque Romance

 The nephew of one of the most eminent physicians New York ever had, says a New York correspondent, fell in love at Newport two summers ago with the only daughter of a banker of this city. Very wealthy and coming under the head of “leading citizens.” As is sometimes the case the object of his affections reciprocated and in six; weeks it was all arranged, at least as far as the two happy mortals were concerned. 

The smitten youth finally conformed with etiquette and approached the banker with the subject of accepting him as a son-in-law. He was met with a point blank refusal, and, additionally was forbidden ever to enter the house again. Romeo and Juliet had a consultation, and decided to become husband and wife, though the heavens should fall. Papa heard of this determination on the part of the lovers and forthwith, without any ceremony turned his daughter out of the house.

Without any of her money, save what she had on her person, the young lady repaired to the residence of her aunt, who received her with outstretched arms, and preparations for the wedding were hurried night and day. The estimable aunt provided her niece with a fine trousseau and last week the wedding occurred. This is the prevalent scandal, and in this case it is strictly true. Truth is, indeed, stranger than fiction, and did the course of true love ever run smooth? – Feather River Bulletin, 1874

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A Gilded Age Coveted Degree

French style and fashion from 1895

What Is Style?

What we call style is almost precisely synonymous with what the French call “chic.” Either word means much or little, anything and everything; is definite to the mind and indefinable to the tongue. No one expects to find what is chic outside of Paris. No New Yorker, at least, expects to find style much beyond the fifty-mile radius with Central Park as a center. What the Parisienne is to the Old World the Manhattanese is to the New. 

The latter is rarely born where she makes her home. She comes from every part of the republic, from North, South, East and West, from city, village and hamlet, to the great municipal school of art, fashion, manners, and receives there the coveted degree M.S., Mistress of Style. So, if she reflects luster upon herself she reflects luster in a way on the whole country, showing what anyAmerican may become under properly plastic agencies and in aiming at her own. 

The mistress of style must be, in regard to the multitude, as one in a hundred: but she is a familiar figure in every cultured household, and a creature to be esteemed, to be admired, to be patterned after. She is not only the woman of the present, she is the woman of the future as well, for the future cannot eclipse her.— Harper's Bazaar, 1895

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Etiquette and Arranging Introductions

 

It is more difficult to judge of others who, quiet and reserved, reveal but little of themselves at first. The whole arrangement, in fact, bristles with difficulties and much courage is needed to undertake it. So many good old families are poor nowadays, and millionaires have raised the standard of living to so high and costly a level, that there is no lack of ladies who venture upon the arduous task of chaperonage. – photo source, Pinterest

It is now a very usual thing for ladies of position in British society to receive girls into their houses and introduce them to their friends. It is a commercial transaction, and the terms, as a rule, are high. One lady of rank charges ten guineas a week. Another requires £1000 for the season. All are most particular about the girl being presentable, possessing good credentials, and dressing well. In the first interview a very critical investigation is made. 

Manner, speech, gesture and bearing are all taken into consideration. “Can I introduce her as a friend to my friends?” is the question in the mind of the chaperon. The impossible girl is soon disposed of. It is more difficult to judge of others who, quiet and reserved, reveal but little of themselves at first. The whole arrangement, in fact, bristles with difficulties and much courage is needed to undertake it. So many good old families are poor nowadays, and millionaires have raised the standard of living to so high and costly a level, that there is no lack of ladies who venture upon the arduous task of chaperonage.

Those who are inexperienced in the matter usually make the mistake of not settling all details before the chaperonage begins. Terms and what they include should all be put down in black and white. The question as to who shall pay for carriages, cabs, railway fares, seats at theatres, etc... ought to be preliminarily settled. Otherwise there may be disagreeable differences of opinion, always most carefully to be avoided. Sometimes the chaperon promises more than she afterwards finds she can perform. 

Invitations to dances, for instance, are not easy to get for a strange girl. Then, if the hostess’ daughter receives one and accepts it, the girl-guest may possibly feel aggrieved. A bright, pleasant girl will soon make her way, but there are heavy, uninteresting girls who hang on hand and seem to desire everything to be done for them in the matter of their social success. They expect to receive it without having exerted themselves to earn it. — From Etiquette for Every Day, by Mrs. Humphry, 1902

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Gilded Age Etiquette in Public

Though the fashionable manner inclines to a rather marked decisiveness and the fashionable voice to loudness, even harshness, there is a quiet self-possession about the gentlewoman, whether young or old, that marks her out from women of a lower class, whose manner is florid.

“In the Street”

A gentle-woman is known by her quiet self-possession. Self-effacement in the street is the rule of good manners as imperative in the street as it is in as in Society. One can almost invariably distinguish the well-bred girl at the first glance, whether she is walking, shopping, in an omnibus, descending from a carriage or a cab, or sauntering up or down in the Park. 

Though the fashionable manner inclines to a rather marked decisiveness and the fashionable voice to loudness, even harshness, there is a quiet self-possession about the gentlewoman, whether young or old, that marks her out from women of a lower class, whose manner is florid. This is perhaps the best word to describe the lively gestures, the notice-attracting glance and the self-conscious air of the underbred, who continually appear to wish to impress their personality upon all they meet. 

The well-bred woman goes quietly along, intent on her own business and regardless of the rest of the world, except in so far as to keep from intruding upon their personal rights. This is another test of the well-bred woman. A delicate sense of self-respect keeps her from contact with her neighbour in train or tramcar or omnibus, so for as such contact may be avoidable. The woman of the lower classes may spread her arms, lean up against her neighbour, or in other ways behave with a disagreeable familiarity; the gentlewoman never.

There was a good old rule of manners that forbade a lady to look back after any one in the street, or to turn and stare at any one in church, opera, theatre, or concert room. These good old rules seem fast to be becoming obsolete; or so one might suppose from the frequency with which they are disregarded. — Manners for Women, by Mrs. Humphry, “Madge of Truth”, 1897

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette: The Right Tools

Etiquette is Akin to 
Using the Right Tool

When I was a child, many of my dad’s irritations came about when we kids didn’t use the right tool… a knife for a screwdriver, the handle of anything as a hammer, pliers as a wrench, trimming scissors to cut cardboard… on and on.  It was hard for me, as expediency too often overrode the lesson.  But experience teaches us that using a right tool for a particular task is necessary in advancing a person’s know how and can-do practical knowledge through practice.

Using etiquette-ful practices and guidelines when interacting with other people is akin to selecting and using the right tool.  When you accept that there are right tools for particular tasks, you accept that situationally, contextually, and relationally when we use our etiquette skills, interacting with others hones purpose and helps you gracefully communicate.

How to Know You’re Using the Right Tool

• The etiquette framework fosters effective and respectful communication between individuals. 
• Employing the norms for appropriate language, tone and behavior creates environments of respect, where people can be comfortable being themselves.
• Having learned the social rules of getting along is noticed and appreciated by others and contributes to relationship building.
• Professionally, etiquette-fulness is vital in building a person’s relationships with clients and colleagues, and it is an outward sign of professionalism and reliability.
• When tension or conflict arise, etiquette calms and guides persons back to the basics of listening with care, being constructive and positive, and seeking win-win outcomes. 

Becoming etiquette-ful is purposely chosen. It takes will power to harness the self and develop proficiency in navigating social situations.  Like tool use, we can learn through practice to employ guidelines and understandings that make us more sensitive to the needs of others and to what is needed in social and professional contexts that benefit not only others but ourselves as well. 

This is because when a person decides to learn and employ the specific skills of respectful behavior, the mindset brings benefits of surprise and pleasure as you become more adaptable, friendly, and positive. 

Honesty and right intentions build in the habit of reflection and the willingness to grow and change.  Friendships are cultivated and warmed through the ongoing practice of mutual effort as friends invest their time, energy, and care.  This happens in the context of learning the practices of etiquette.

Practice Using Your Etiquette Tools

• Listen actively and seek to understand another person’s perspectives and concerns.
• Employ your knowledge of good eye contact, engaging facial expressions and open body language.
• Avoid interrupting and speak your mind clearly and concisely with language that is polite and respectful. 
• Be a questioner, using open-ended questions that engage the other person to share their thoughts more fully.
• Regardless of how the conversation goes, always look for mutual understanding.
• Put your empathy to work and acknowledge the other person’s situation or point of view.
• Keep your purpose in attending an event or meeting in mind, realizing that others are there for reasons, too. 
• Stay focused.  If your mind begins to wander, you might summarize what the other person has said. This has the added benefit of others being drawn back into attention.

As my father taught me, proper tool use requires an attitude of respect for the tool and respect for the desired outcome.  And remember that kindness to yourself, the learner, is necessary in advancing your skills in the use of any 

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Gilded Age Etiquette and the Curtsey

The lady who favoured our Queen and her family with affable little nods and warmly shook hands with the Sovereign at one famous Drawing-Room is not yet forgotten, and has been the cause of many a hearty laugh. Another, the heel of whose shoe caught in her skirts, and who could not get up after her curtsey, and had to be carried from the Presence Chamber after the fashion of the old game of “Honey pots,” caused etiquette to be forgotten at the strictest Court in the world, a broad smile appearing on the Queen's own face, while the young Princesses tittered irrepressibly, and the Princess of Wales bit her pretty lips.

“The old-fashioned curtsey”

GIRLS are never taught to curtsey now, as they used to be. A real, old-fashioned “courtesy,” as it used to be spelled, is quite an elaborate performance. First, you draw back the right foot, getting it straight behind the other, and down you go, as far as the suppleness of your limbs will permit, coming up to the “recover” with all the weight on the right foot, and the left pointed out most daintily.

A curtsey is about the only thing in the world that is helped out by the high-heeled shoe. The only trace of this old-fashioned and very graceful bit of deportment is the deep reverence made by the ladies at Her Majesty’s Drawing- Rooms. Some of them perform it with practiced aplomb. Others never achieve it. There is a very pretty young Princess who plumps down with an alarming suddenness that always makes the Royal circle covertly smile.

Even when making the ordinary “bob” to Royalty on less ceremonious occasions, this lovely girl strikes her heel against the floor with a bump that seems to have arrived straight from the maddest moment of a merry breakdown. A well-known infinite grace, repeating it before the various members of the Royal circle at Drawing-Rooms, that the Queen's eyes invariably follow her with a glance of pleased approbation. A handsome countess of regal appearance makes a very imposing obeisance, but it is too stiff to be really graceful.

Among the numerous Americans presented, some carry themselves into the presence of Royalty with a truly republican air of equality and fraternity, contenting themselves with bowing to the Queen, as they would to their hostess of an afternoon reception. Others who have studied the matter more deeply, sink low with a willowy grace, just brushing with their lips the plump little white hand extended to them, then rising with a slightly backward movement that seems to accept dismissal and tacitly to disclaim any desire to unnecessary intrusion. “Quite theatrical!” said a very plump dowager of such a performance. Every one else had admired it. But perhaps the consciousness of an over-allowance of adipose tissue and blooming plumptitude, had rendered the dear lady inappreciative of slender grace and languorous ease in others.

The Queen is a lover of beauty, and a keen judge of it, both in form and face. The débutante whose appearance evokes a word of pleased comment from Her Majesty is always safe to be one of the beauties of her first season. And the Royal memory for faces is an excellent one. Any one who has had an opportunity of seeing the Queen walk through the lane of guests at a Royal garden party, Royal concert, or at any public function, will remember the glances cast from side to side, noting every face, keenly alive and discerning, awake to every circumstance and incident.

When listening to addresses or long speeches an expression of weariness, sometimes amounting to indifference and even apathy, occasionally settles down on the Royal countenance. Oh, those long addresses! How many years of Her Majesty’s life would be totaled up if the bad quarters of an hour spent in hearing addresses were laid end to end and make up into one huge sum of patient endurance? But when face to face with her people the Queen is full of quick perception. So beauty and grace do not go unrecognised at our Court of England. Nor do less agreeable characteristics.

The lady who favoured our Queen and her family with affable little nods and warmly shook hands with the Sovereign at one famous Drawing-Room is not yet forgotten, and has been the cause of many a hearty laugh. Another, the heel of whose shoe caught in her skirts, and who could not get up after her curtsey, and had to be carried from the Presence Chamber after the fashion of the old game of “Honey pots,” caused etiquette to be forgotten at the strictest Court in the world, a broad smile appearing on the Queen's own face, while the young Princesses tittered irrepressibly, and the Princess of Wales bit her pretty lips. The Prince looked as if he longed to give one of his great guffaws. Another memorable lady lost part of her bodice, and had to retire hastily in much confusion, wrapping herself in her train. All these incidents are remembered and credited to the correct names by one whose mind is not so much “ta’en up wi’ the things o’ the State,” as not to reserve a shelf for minor matters.

The Royal disapprobation of cosmetics, hair-dyes, and other forms of insincerity in personal appearance is not veiled in any way. To the application, or misapplication, of rouge society has become hardened, but when it is plastered on in quantities that defeat the very object of deception, for which it is used, a little open for which it is used, a little open comment from those in high places has worked wonders in reducing the evil. The cosmetic epidemic comes and goes like Bob Acres’ courage, but, unlike it, will never wholly disappear. — Manners for Women, by Mrs. Humphry, “Madge of Truth”, 1897

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Life and the Costs Involved

The sums listed below were the costs in 1886. 

$1 in 1886, is worth $34.20 today, according to in2013dollars.com, making the 5,000. allowance in 1886 for the 17 year old Miss Nellie’s clothing per year, equal to an approximately staggering $170,992.02 in purchasing power today.– Above, public domain image of the American Gilded Age financier, Jay Gould

How Jay Gould Lives

Mr. Jay Gould’s mansion on the northeast corner of Fifth avenue and Forty-Seventh street is a plain-looking double brown-stone house, the interior of which is literally palatial. There are half a million of dollars’ worth of paintings on the walls, and the furnishing and decorations are of the costliest description. 

The suite on the second floor, occupied by the heads of the family, consists of bed-room, boudoir, dressing room and bathroom, decorated chiefly in pale blue and silver. Across the hall, Miss Nellie, the only daughter, has a similar suite in pink and white. On the third floor there is a study and a large nursery for the three small boys, Edward, Frank and Harold, whose tutors are paid $2,000, $4,000 and $1,800 a year respectively. 

George Gould’s apartments are on the same floor, while the servants occupy the floor above. The butler receives $1,000; butler’s assistant, $400; Mr. Gould’s valet, $600; head cook and assistant, $1,500, and two housekeepers, $1,000 a year. Two laundresses, two chambermaids, a parlor maid, waiting maids, two lady’s maids, and two kitchen girls, are paid from $15 to $20 per month each. The food in the servants’ hall is entirely different from the family table. 

Mrs. Gould spends two hours a day with her younger boys, and they read only what has been inspected by her. Since she joined the Forty-Second street Presbyterian Church several years ago, she has been liberal in religious benefactions. Miss Nellie, a graduate of Mme. Reed’s famous school, is perfecting herself in music at a cost of $20 per lesson. She has an allowance of $5,000 a year for her wardrobe. 

The Gould stable, of Forty-Fourth street, is a handsome building of brick, with brown-stone trimmings and plate glass windows. Six horses are kept in it during the Winter, and a closed carriage, a landau and two coupes. The staff consists of a coachman, two footmen, two grooms and two stablemen, and their wages range from $45 a month down. The expense of keeping up the stable is $6,000 a year. 

Mr. Gould’s country seat at Irvington was considered by its original owner, George Dawson Merritt, the most elegant, attractive and thoroughly equipped Summer residence in the country. Mr. Gould paid $200,000 for the property in 1880, and it is now worth $1,000,000 at a low estimate. The house is Gothic in style and is 3,000 feet from the Hudson river, commanding a magnificent view. It has twenty rooms above the basement. On the second floor is a fine art gallery, extending the entire depth of the house. 

Mangold, the steward at Irvington, has been in Mr. Gould’s employ over twenty years, and receives a salary of $2,000. The lawn in front of the house is ninety five acres in extent and the macadamized road leading to the entrance is a quarter of a mile long. There are in the estate 510 acres, 200 of which is woodland. The live stock consists of twenty horses, as many cows, a drove of Southdown sheep and a lot of blooded fowls. Eighteen men are on the place constantly and in Summer the number is nearly a hundred. The hot houses and conservatory cover a space of 900 feet long and 450 feet wide, and with their contents are valued al $250,000. At a fair estimate it costs Mr. Gould $550 a day to keep up his Irvington place. The taxes on it amount to $220 a month. 

Mr. Gould paid $100,000 for his steam yacht Atlanta, and io run the same costs him $750 a month for wages, $250 a month for coal, repairs, etc..., and $800 a month for general expenses when he is aboard with his family. Besides the fifteen sailors and live officers, forming the crew, there are four cooks and a baker at $40 a month each, with two waits, a valet, a lady’s maid and a parlor maid. There are separate dining rooms in the yacht for the family, the officers and the servants and sailors Breakfast is served from 6 to 11, luncheon at 2, tea and ices at 4 and dinner at 8. George Gould’s allowance before he attained the dignity of partnership with his father was $10,000 a year. His young brothers have $5 a week apiece for pocket money. – Ventura Weekly Democrat, 1886

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia