The Value of Etiquette

Frontier humorist, Bill Nye, more formally known as Edgar Wilson Nye, was the first editor of the “Laramie Boomerang.” He named the Wyoming paper for his mule, because of what he described as the “eccentricity of his orbit.”

A Dissertation on the Folly of Indistinct Introduction and Kindred Topics

There seems to be a growing tendency on the part of the average American toward what I may be pardoned for calling the anonymous or incognito introduction. This introduction generally starts off in a fortissimo strain that if kept up throughout the recital would herald the names of both parties to the uttermost parts of the earth. Then the piano and diminuendo strain comes.

That is the reason we are acquainted with so many people whose names we do not know. A man steps up to you in a crowd somewhere in one of those quiet little town meetings where it is a mark of great conversational genius to talk steadily onward without using the mind, and says: "Pardon me, I want to make you two people acquainted. You ought to know each other. You are both friends of mine. Mr. _________, Mr.  _________. There, now you are acquainted!" 

Why a man should write a long letter and write it plainly, signing it at the end with a name that would have bothered Daniel to decipher, is more than I can understand. It is the same style of peculiarity as the anonymous introduction exactly. I may be a little careless about my penmanship while writing in a great hurry, trying to keep up with my surging thoughts, but I most always sign my name so that it can be deciphered. I have written letters where the signature was the only thing that was absolutely beyond the possibility of doubt. But if a man signs his name so that you can write to him and ask him what the balance of his letter was about, it is better than a long beautifui letter from unknown and unknowable person. In the latter case you are left to kick the empty air.

Some day when I get more time I am going to prepare a long, treatise upon etiquette and deliver it to the American people, illustrated by one of those stereopticons. Etiquette has been a life-long study for me. It is a thing that has engrossed my attention from my earliest boyhood, and it shows. itself at once in my polished manners and easy running carriage.

At table especially our American people need a great deal of training. Wherever I go I am struck with our sad need of careful training. As a country we need careful instructions in our manners, more especially at hotels. Only the other day, at the table d'hote, I heard a man ask for half a dozen buckwheat cakes, and when they came to him he moistened the tips of his fingers in a finger-bowl and ran over the cakes as he would a roll of currency if he was the assistant cashier in a National bank. Another man at the same table was asked to pass the pepper- box and he took it with his thumb on the bottom and his two first fingers on the top, just as he had been in the habit of moving a stack of chips from the ace to the deuce, no doubt for years.

So we as a people crowd our vocations to the front and we are not able to banish our trades and professions even at table. We should try to overcome this, and there are many other features of our national etiquette which we need to change. Only last week I saw a fine-looking young man sit at a hotel table combing his mustache with his fork, and while in a brown study the fork slipped out of the mustache and plunged with a sickening jab into his eye. We cannot be too careful in our intercourse with men to avoid all appearance of evil.

Etiquette always marks the true gentleman and makes him an object of curiosity, especially at a hotel. When you see a gentleman with whom you are not acquainted you should look upon him with genteel horror and shudder two times in rapid succession. This will convince a stranger that you have been reared with the greatest care and that your parents have taken special pains not to allow you to associate with vulgar people.

I started out to say a few words about the folly of indistinct introductions and wappy-jawed signatures, but I have wandered away, as I am apt to do, and I apologize, hoping that the genial and rosy-cheeked reader as she sits in her boudoir, on this glorious morning, looking more like a peri than any thing else I can think of, will forgive me. – By Bill Nye, in N. Y. Mercury, 1893

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Advice for “Vocal Culture”

I deny that a woman is formed by nature so as to be compelled to shriek in falsetto in order to throw her voice to the distance of five, ten or twenty rods. Good etiquette requires for our comfort and highest accomplishment a clear, strong, full use of the voice. 

A Plea for Voice Culture

A good deal is being done to educate the hands. In my opinion it is becoming a vital matter to also educate the voice, not for special purposes, but for everyday use. Women rarely use their lungs and throats wisely. I know many who can hardly be heard distinctly across a table. This is often affectation; more often it is a habit formed from a belief that a woman should not be loud voiced. It is not necessary to screech in order to be heard, that is if your voice has been discreetly used. 

A child's voice is generally pleasant until made unpleasant by bad habits or a bad spirit. But an unused, neglected voice, when driven to effort, makes a bad mess of it. I deny that a woman is formed by nature so as to be compelled to shriek in falsetto in order to throw her voice to the distance of five, ten or twenty rods. Good etiquette requires for our comfort and highest accomplishment a clear, strong, full use of the voice. 

There never was invented by art so charming an instrument as a beautiful throat. Yet how many voices are wretchedly cracked and squeaking. I am ambitious as a mother that each one of my children shall have fine vocal organs; well developed, well trained and delightful to be heard. That is, we should not only be able to talk to people all the way to them, but so as to delight them when we are heard.- Mary E. Spencer in St. Louis Globe-Democrat, 1892

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Points in Etiquette

You should exchange calls with individuals before inviting them to your house. – Gilded age silver calling card tray, with a playful pup chewing on a newspaper, dated May 4, 1891. The card tray is featured in the book, “What Have We Here?: The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond...”

   

• Letters should never be crossed. 
• Letters of introduction should be brief.
• Always offer ladies the right arm.
• Ladies do not talk across the street.
• Never wait over fifteen minutes for a tardy guest.
• Walk around a lady’s train; don't step over it or on it.
• “Yours, etc...,” is a rude ending to letters as a rule.
• Say “Good-bye” on leaving, not “Good morning” or “Good evening.”
• In bowing, the inclination of the head alone is necessary.
• Much underscoring in a letter is vulgar and meaningless.
• A gentleman walking with a lady returns a bow made to her.
• Nothing is more vulgar than finery and jewelry out of place.
• It is the place of the one introduced to make the first remark.
• The custom of sending flowers to funerals is growing in disfavor.
• Don’t keep flowers for your friend’s coffins. Give them while living.
• Never pass an acquaintance without a salutation of recognition.
• Always speak to an acquaintance with a smile in your eye; avoid grinning.
• “Yours truly,” is the correct form for closing business but not friendly letters.
• Upon introduction, enter at once into conversation.
• Upon leaving a room, one bow shall include all.
• A call should not be less than fifteen minutes in length.
• A note requires as prompt an answer as a spoken question.
• Regrets in reply to invitations should contain the reason therefor.
• At table you are not required to thank the one who waits on you.
• You should exchange calls with individuals before inviting them to your house.
• The custom of leaving a blank margin on the left hand side of each page of a letter is obsolete. – San Jose Weekly Mercury, 1880

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

National Guard Battles Bad Manners

Then things grew warm, for if there is one thing that Captain Sullivan prides himself on it is his ability to behave as a gentleman, and as for his table etiquette- well, he just simply defies any one to prove that he is not on to the very latest wrinkles. Of course the captain’s friends have implicit faith in him and stand ready to back him against Ward McAllister if necessary, but then Adjutant Delaney’s have not, and they are making every possible use of Colonel Barry's insinuations. – Public domain image of the California National Guard logo

LACK OF MANNERS

Why a Captain May Not Be a Major

THIRD REGIMENT TROUBLES

One Officer Insinuates That Another May Eat Pie With a Knife

To be a member of the National Guard and not to be mixed up in some sort of internal row is considered the greatest kind of a disgrace just now.

First the Light Battery privates became mixed up with their superiors; then the boys over in Oakland took a hand in the affair and began to call each other choice and pet names and now a big dark war cloud is hovering over the Third Regiment.

It is over an election that the Third Regiment folks seem fated to quarrel.

The Legislature at the last session, perhaps with the purpose in view of providing additional attractions to the feminine eye during the summer encampments, created the office of junior major in each regiment in the State.

When the time came for the filling of the office in the Third Regiment two persons appeared up as aspirants for it.

One was William M. Sullivan, at present captain of Company D, and the other William P. Delaney, the present adjutant.

Immediately the officers took sides, and when a count of noses was made it was found that the Sullivan end was the stronger.

Then Colonel Barry waxed wroth. The colonel is a supporter of Delaney and it grieved him to learn that a majority of his subordinate officers was not in sympathy with him.

It was during Colonel Barry's angry moments that the great trouble started.

“Elect this fellow Sullivan major of my regiment,” exclaimed the colonel. “No, never while I have a thing to do with it,” and then in a quiet way he proceeded to make known his objections to the “fellow Sullivan.”

Among them were insinuations that “D” company’s captain was a bit short on manners. That he knew but little of table etiquette, and that were he to gain the coveted office the regiment, could never again shine socially.

Now had Colonel Barry made his remarks in the presence of his own friends only, or, better still, to himself in the secrecy of his boudoir, all might have gone well. But then he didn't. He made them in the presence of a number of people among whom were a few of Sullivan’s friends, and they of course immediately carried the tale to him.

Then things grew warm, for if there is one thing that Captain Sullivan prides himself on it is his ability to behave as a gentleman, and as for his table etiquette- well, he just simply defies any one to prove that he is not on to the very latest wrinkles. Of course the captain’s friends have implicit faith in him and stand ready to back him against Ward McAllister if necessary, but then Adjutant Delaney's have not, and they are making every possible use of Colonel Barry’s insinuations.

They recite the adjutant’s many acts of gallantry; tell of his dancing ability, the graceful manner in which he acts at table and of his captivating manners while in the company of the fair sex, and in the most sarcastic manner they inquire what Sullivan has to say for himself.

Then Sullivan’s friends take a turn at talking. They begin by denying all the charges against their man, and they take a shy at his opponent, but all this talk is doing little to solve the much-mooted question, and among the disinterested a doubt still exists as to whether Captain Sullivan be a man overburdened with good manners, or if he be one who eats pie with a knife, uses a napkin for a facecloth and wears his hat in a parlor, or Colonel Barry be a little hasty.

It has been found necessary to postpone the election in order to solve the knotty question, - San Francisco Call, 1893

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Etiquette of Eating

In taking your place at the table you should not get too close nor to far away. Some authorities say a foot is about the proper distance, but you may not desire to wait to have the measure taken, it is best to make sure that you get in reach of it. If you do not drink wine it is best not to deliver a temperance lecture to those who do. In partaking of fruits, such as oranges, cut them into small morsels before eating and never swallow them whole. – Above, 2 different types of gilded age silver “orange holders” from the book, What Have We Here?: The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond... 

Almost any one can eat, but to eat according to the established rules of good society is another story. If you happen to discover that a great man eats pie with his knife, do not follow his example in the hope of acquiring greatness, for ten to one that is not how he came to be great.

The first thing to be considered is how to get to the table. In the rush it is considered bad form to get ahead of the ladies. Give them a chance. In taking your place at the table you should not get too close nor to far away. Some authorities say a foot is about the proper distance, but you may not desire to wait to have the measure taken, it is best to make sure that you get in reach of it. If you do not drink wine it is best not to deliver a temperance lecture to those who do. In partaking of fruits, such as oranges, cut them into small morsels before eating and never swallow them whole.

Never attempt to talk when the mouth is full If you are spoken to when in such a predicament it is best - provided you are not familiar with the deaf and dumb alphabet - to quietly and unostentatiously slip the morsel from your mouth and drop it under the table; but in case it be something you are loath to surrender, you might place it in charge of some reliable person till you have finished your discourse. In matters of this kind you will have to depend largely argely upon your own tact, as no iron-bound rules can be given.

Remember that you are not supposed to quit eating simply because you have gotten enough. You must have sufficient regard for the feelings of others to go on making a pretense at eating till all have finished. I have this from good authority. and though it may seem that if all adhere to this rule there would be no end to the feast - that it would result in an endless chain that would reach into the misty realms of futurity - yet experience has proved that there will always be one ill-bred person present who has no more sense than to quit when he gets enough, and so furnish a pretext for those of gentle breeding to bring the agony to a close. – Marysville Daily Appeal, 1898

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Timeless Etiquette of the Middle Ages

“Fifty Courtesies of the Table,” or “Fifty Courtesies at Table,” is a medieval book of table manners and the proper behavior at the table for social acceptance – “Attend to your own plate and not to that of others. Do not mix together on your plate all sorts of viands, meat and eggs. It may disgust your neighbor. Do not eat coarsely or vulgarly, and if you have to share your bread with anyone cut it neatly if you do not wish to be ill bred. Do not soak your bread in your wine, for,” says the friar, “if any one should dine with me and thus fish up his victuals I should not like it.”– Depiction of a medieval banquet

  

ETIQUETTE

TABLE MANNERS THAT STILL HOLD:

Friar Bonvesin, a Holy Man, 

Who Liked Polite Company, 

Laid Down Sensible Rules

“Fifty Courtesies of the Table.” That is the title of a curious old manuscript of the thirteenth century to be found among the numberless rolls of yellowed and shriveled parchments which constitute the great wealth of the Ambrosian library at Milan. It is written in verse by Friar Bonvesin, who appears to have been an arbiter of good manners to the public of six centuries ago and who has not been essentially improved upon by the numerous writers on etiquette of more recent years.

Fra Bonvesin seems not only to have possessed pretty good sense regarding the cardinal points of refined table manners, but also to have had an appreciation of the more delicate touches of good breeding and gentility worthy of my Lord Chesterfield himself.

It can do no harm to repeat some of the worthy monk’s admonitions, for they are not only of interest as throwing light on the civilization and customs of the time, but the greater number of them might be pasted in every man’s hat with advantage to the wearer, provided he would look at them occasionally for almost every one has at least read or been told what good manners are. The practice of them is what is lacking.

After impressing on his readers the necessity of cleanliness in personal appearance at table he continues: “Do not be in too great a hurry to take your seat at table before being invited. If you should find your place occupied, do not make any disturbance about the matter, but politely yield.”

The Tübingen School, the Renans and the Ingersolls had not as yet unsettled the popular mind on certain important questions, and the necessity of saying grace was of more consequence in Friar Bonvesin’s day than it might be considered now. One is particularly warned not to neglect saying grace. “It is, to the extreme, gluttonous and vile and showing great contempt of the Lord to think of eating before having asked his blessing.” This over, one is admonished “to sit decently at the table, not with the legs crossed nor with elbows on the board.”

“Do not” - mark this, you representative from the rural districts, you business man with but a few moments to spare for your lunch, you well gorged patrons of high priced restaurants, mark this “do not fill your mouth too full. The glutton who fills his mouth will not be able to reply when spoken to.” And elsewhere the careful brother utters an especial warning against the breach of good manners in eating noisily.

Evidently the worthy frater thought little of the table talk of that day, for his next recommendation savors strongly of the homely but expressive mandate of our grandparents, “Let your victuals stop your mouth.” Friar Bonvesin’s version is, “When eating, speak little, because in talking one's food is apt to drop or be spluttered.” “When thirsty, swallow your food before drinking.” Excellent hygiene as well as good manners.

In that early time dinner services were not as complete as in later periods. Each guest was supposed to bring with him his own knife and spoon, and there was but one drinking cup for the whole company. The following admonitions as to the use of this cup are of interest: “Do not dirty the cup in drinking. Take it with both hands firmly, so as not to spill the wine. If not wishing to drink and your neighbor has dirtied the cup, wipe it before passing it on.”

The fourteenth courtesy is admirable, and not only admirable, but applicable to many diners out of the present and to all those amiable people whose conviviality is in excess of their discretion: “Beware of taking too much wine, even if it be good, for he offends trebly who does so against his body and his soul, while the wine he consumes is wasted.” Prudent old Friar Bonvesin!

“If any one arrives during the meal” one is told “not to rise, but continue eating.” The sixteenth courtesy is one particularly significant for the present, as in it those who take soup are counseled not to “swallow their spoons” and are further advised to “correct themselves of this bad habit as soon as possible. If you should sneeze or cough, cover your mouth, and above all turn away from the table.”

The next courtesy has the true Chesterfieldian stamp: Good manners demand that one should partake, however little, of whatever is offered - if, that is, one is in good health. “Do not,” urges Friar Bonvesin, “criticize the food or say, ‘This is badly cooked or too salted.’ Attend to your own plate and not to that of others. Do not mix together on your plate all sorts of viands, meat and eggs. It may disgust your neighbor. Do not eat coarsely or vulgarly, and if you have to share your bread with anyone cut it neatly if you do not wish to be ill bred. Do not soak your bread in your wine, for,” says the friar, “if any one should dine with me and thus fish up his victuals I should not like it.”

“If with ladies, carve first for them - to them the men should do honor. Always remember if a friend be dining with one to help him to the choicest parts. Do not” -and how very thoughtful and sensible this advice- “do not, however, press your friend too warmly to eat or drink, but receive him well and give him good cheer. When dining with any great man, cease eating while he is drinking, and do not drink at the same time as he. When sitting next a bishop, do not drink till he drinks nor rise till he rises.” – San Jose Herald, 1895

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Brit Manners According to Frenchman

It is not etiquette to blow one’s nose, to spit, to sneeze. What is one to do? Is it etiquette to have a cold?  –Public domain image of Jules Lecompte, French author and wit from the min 19th century.

English Etiquette

Jules Lecompte, a French wit, gives this description of English etiquette: 

• It is not etiquette to blow one's nose, to spit, to sneeze. What is one to do? Is it etiquette to have a cold? 
• It is not etiquette to talk loud, even in Parliament; 
• to walk in the middle of the street; 
• to run to get out of the way of a carriage. You must let yourself be ran over. 
• It is not etiquette to close a letter with a wafer, for then people say that you send them your spittle; or to write without an envelope. 
• Neither is it etiquette to go to the opera with the smallest flower or stripe upon your waistcoat or cravat; 
• or to eat soup twice; 
• or bow first to a lady; 
• or to ride in an omnibus; 
• or to go to an evening party before ten or eleven o'clock, 
• or to a ball before midnight; 
• or to drink beer at dinner without immediately returning the glass to the servant. 
• It is not etiquette not to shave every day, (the majority of Frenchmen, it must be remembered, never wash their face but when they shave, and shave, if at all, but every second day,) 
• or to be hungry, 
• or to offer to drink to a person of high rank, 
• or to be surprised when the ladies leave the table at the dessert. 
• To wear black in the morning or colored clothes in the evening is not etiquette. 
• To address a lady without adding her christian name, 
• to speak to a person to whom you have not been introduced, 
• to knock gently at a door, 
• to have a splash of mud on your boots, no matter how bad the weather, 
• to have copper (penny) in your pocket, 
• to wear your hair cut short, 
• or a grey hat, 
• a silk handkerchief, decoration, a great beard, or even a little one - all this is quite contrary to etiquette. – From the Shasta Courier, 1853

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette: Trifles Proclaim a Gent

If an American young man possessing the average American manhood could have the courteous, deferential manner toward women (I mean all women, old and ugly as well as young and beautiful) that we find in most foreigners whom we meet he would be simply irresistible. For women like brain and brawn as well as manners, but sometimes bad manners can destroy the effect of every other virtue.

WHAT I WOULD TELL A MAN- IF I DARED

Bad Manners Are a Great Handicap

Trifles Proclaim the Gentleman

I CAN’T say that 1 have ever really been in love, but I can say that I have been disillusioned more than once, and the reason therefore - well, it can be traced to the same cause. I have been out for some three seasons and my experience extends to several cities, and includes abroad, one winter.

Ah, that winter abroad! I suppose it was during that time that my eyes were opened to the glaring breaches of etiquette and incongruities of conduct committed daily by our American young men. Mind, I don't say that I prefer any foreigner to our own young men, only their manners.

If an American young man possessing the average American manhood could have the courteous, deferential manner toward women (I mean all women, old and ugly as well as young and beautiful) that we find in most foreigners whom we meet he would be simply irresistible. For women like brain and brawn as well as manners, but sometimes bad manners can destroy the effect of every other virtue.

Not long ago I thought I was really in love with a certain young man who was very attentive. He was quite handsome and I felt highly flattered and pleased-and something more. He danced with me oftener than any one else at balls and cotillons. He sent me flowers and I always managed to be at home when he called. For some time our affairs ran smoothly enough, but one evening we were guests at dinner at the same house and were placed opposite to each other at table. Our affair had not progressed far enough for us to count upon being always placed together.

“Umph! I'm sorry for Hal,” murmured the young man on my right, indicating my friend opposite. “I happen to know that he doesn't like to talk about art, and there he is next to Miss Escher, who can talk of nothing else.” “But at dinner we should fit into our surroundings,” I replied. “I suppose he'll behave as though he adored the subject of art.”

And I watched to see. For one evening I tried to look at my hero with disinterested eyes. I saw him deliberately turn his back upon poor Miss Escher and devote himself to a pretty little thing on his left. While watching him thus through other eyes, as it were, I saw other things which had heretofore escaped me. I saw that his napkin was tucked into his collar, his spoon was in his cup, and his knife and fork reposed on the table with one end on his plate.

The scales began to fall from my eyes, for it is my belief that all these little things proclaim the man and the gentleman. Another time I liked a young man enough to think I was in love with him until one day I saw him use a toothpick is public!

I know all these things seem trivial, but then life is made up of small things, and these trifles are more important to a woman than some of the great things. Impoliteness seems to be a common fault of the young men of today, as the hostesses who suffer inconvenience therefrom can testify. How often do you see one of these young men deny himself the pleasure of a smoke in order to rescue some pining wall flower? How many of them ever make a “party call”?

When you think about it seriously, are we young women so much to blame when we become fascinated with the ways of gentlemen across the water? I firmly believe that if our young men of today were equally as gracious in their manners as their foreign rivals we would seldom hear of an American girl marrying any other than an American man. At present I am saving my smiles for some American of congenial tastes and disposition whose manners will not offend, but he is hard to find. – By a Pretty Girl, for the San Francisco Call, 1909

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette of Visiting Cards

“Yes; it seems to me that one of the most important things is the etiquette of cards. It is strange that a bit of pasteboard means so much, isn't it?”

The Rules Governing the Use of 

Visiting Cards

When, Where, For Whom to Leave Them

"ASK me anything you like," said Mrs. Wright cordially to a friend who had been puzzled over some points of etiquette.

"You are very good to help me," said Mrs. Howe. "After living out of town for some time as I have done one gets out of touch with many things."

"In town or out of town there are always certain accounts to be kept with society," answered Mrs. Wright. "In smaller towns and country neighborhoods the same general duties should be done. I don't mean to call them 'duties' only. They should be pleasures."

"But with my children to think of, I have neglected social duties or pleasures," pleaded Mrs. Howe.

"That is a natural and a frequent excuse," said her friend, "but it is not altogether fair to your husband or yourself to neglect society, and not fair to seem indifferent to your friends. Then you must remember that you have two girls. They should give you a new interest in social life."

"But they are children!" exclaimed the young mother in surprise.

Keep in Touch for the Children

"They will not always be children. They will be grown up before you realize. While they are growing up you must not drift away from social interests or customs. You must stay bright and young for the sake of your husband, children, friends and society in general."

"You are right. I am going to try to follow your example," said Mrs. Howe, gayly. Then she added, "If my girls have as good manners when they grow up as your Rosamond, I shall be happy."

"I did not intend to draw down so much flattery on my head or on Rosamond's," said Mrs. Wright, laughing.

Then she continued confidingly: "Rosamond's coming out this winter has been a joy instead of a task, because I have tried always to keep in touch with society and its ways. A girl's coming out brings up all sorts of matters for discussion, and one needs to be prepared with information."

"I see that you are having a very busy winter," said Mrs. Howe.

"Yes, a busy and delightful winter; and now that you tell me you want my suggestions I shall have another pleasure. Is there not something you want to discuss?"

"Yes; it seems to me that one of the most important things is the etiquette of cards. It is strange that a bit of pasteboard means so much, isn't it?"

The Importance of Cards

"Not when you think that cards help to unite society. We could never pay off our social debts, or even remind people of our existence, without these useful little bits of pasteboard. Cards are very often, too, the expressions of kindliness, sympathy or congratulation. After all, there is a common-sense reason about the use of visiting cards, as in most social matters. Leaving cards is a step toward renewing, friendships, forming or enlarging one's circle of friends. If one does not follow the prescribed rules it is a sure step in the wrong direction."

"How should I let my friends know that I have come back to town to live?" asked Mrs. Howe.

"You should call on all friends and former visiting acquaintances and leave your cards with your new address. In large cities where distances are great and visiting is not easy, many persons simplify matters by having a tea or a series of teas and sending out cards to that effect. This shows one's friends that one remembers them and wishes to see them, and they generally respond by calling on one of the days; but after a prolonged absence it would seem more to call on your list of acquaintances, even though you send out cards later for some special event. Everyone should try to make at least one call during the year on friends and acquaintances."

Before I forget it, please explain what is meant by leaving cards?"

Leaving Cards

"Remember always that a card is a reminder of your call and your address. One leaves a card whether the hostess is at home or not. You may leave a card on the hall table when entering the house or when going away. You may lay a card down unobtrusively on any convenient table. 

If you are told at the front door that Mrs. B is not at home, you may leave your card with the person who opens the door. Of course, one must never under any circumstances give one's card to the person on whom one is calling." "About my husband's cards-what is the custom?" asked Mrs. Howe.

"A man is not supposed to have leisure for making calls. His wife leaves his cards with her own when making a first call of the season and when calling in acknowledgment of invitations. The general rule to remember is that a woman leaves one of her cards for each lady in a family, and one of her husband's cards for each lady and for the man of the household. Yet, here is another point: it is not considered in good taste to leave more than three of one's cards at a house, even where there is a large family. 

For instance, you might be calling on Mrs. B. who has two grown daughters. Her mother lives with her. Three of your cards would include them all, and three of your husband's cards would be plenty. As a general rule, a married man's card is not left for a young girl." "How soon is a call due after an invitation?"

"Within a week after a dinner, a luncheon, a card party, a home wedding, or any evening party. It is obligatory to call whether one accepted or not." "Is it right to call after a tea or reception?" inquired Mrs. Howe.

"No, you do not call after a tea or reception, because your call is made when going to the tea. A hostess sends cards to notify her friends when she will be at home. They may go or not as they please. If they go they leave cards. If they cannot go they send cards by post on the day of the tea, and their duty is done."

At that moment pretty Rosamond came in from a walk. Seeing her mother's friend she hastened forward.

"Oh, Mrs. Howe, I am so glad to see you," she said, as they shook hands. Instead of chattering about herself the girl sat near her mother and showed by her courteous manner that she was interested in their guest,

Presently Mrs. Howe rose to go while saying to her hostess, "This friendly talk has given me new energy and courage. I am determined to try to surmount all difficulties in the social world.

Mrs. Wright and Rosamond rose and shook hands with their guest, and Mrs. Wright accompanied her to the door, saying, "Come to me as often as you wish with problems." – Fresno Bee, 1909

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Napkin History Begins with Children

“… the table napkin, was first used only by children and was adopted by elder members of the family about the middle of the fifteenth century.” – Napkins at first were for children, but it would be centuries before bib clips were created for attaching the squares of cloth around the necks of toddlers.

The Table Napkin

Curiously enough, that article now considered almost indispensable, the table napkin, was first used only by children and was adopted by elder members of the family about the middle of the fifteenth century. In etiquette books of an earlier date than this, among other sage pieces of advice for children, are instructions about wiping their fingers and lips with their napkins. It seems that the tablecloth was long enough to reach the floor and served the grown people in place of napkins. When they did begin to use napkins, they placed them first on the shoulder, then on the left arm and finally tied them about the neck.– Tit Bits, 1902

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Etiquette, Candor and Vulnerability

“LOVE is exactly like war in this — that a soldier, though he has escaped three weeks complete on Saturday night may, nevertheless, be shot through his heart on Sunday morning.” — Laurence Sterne

Always Too Young to Boast

“LOVE is exactly like war in this — that a soldier, though he has escaped three weeks complete on Saturday night may, nevertheless, be shot through his heart on Sunday morning.” — Laurence Sterne

Tis not an uncommon thing for those on whom Cupid has spent no arrows to boast that they are invulnerable. They are always too young to make that boast. Too young when the years have bowed their shoulders and powdered their heads. It is no distinction to have escaped.

To be incapable of emotion is so similar to a mummy existence that those who have reached years of maturity and have never been “shot through the heart” have reason to be alarmed about themselves. There is something lacking — sympathy, tenderness, charity, tolerance, hope, faith or the power to dream.

Nothing to Boast Of

Such a one should not boast. It is rather a matter to be regretted and remedied. It indicates a sickness of the most sacred of the emotions. It indicates a lack of ability to love; a coldness that makes love turn away. Neither is it to one's credit to have loved only once.

The heart doesn't die with humiliation at its first mistake. It lives to make another, and another, and that which is sometimes regarded as a “mistake” turns out to be the most beneficial and needful of experiences. The mistake lies in carefully covering one's heart with frost, and then making the boast that it is invulnerable.

There never was a heart so fortified, so watched, so guarded and so closely sentineled that there was not some opening by which love could enter if he chose. Sympathy, pity, pride, vanity, hope, who can say which one will point to a weakness in the fortress?

There is some mode of entry into the hardest heart. If there were not, this would be a dreary place in which to live. So don't boast that time has left your heart whole. Rather regret it, and remedy it while the remedy still lies in your hands. — By Beatrice Fairfax, 1912

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Gallant Etiquette: Army vs Navy

“Dueling is distinctly frowned upon by the general staff of the United States army, of which General Bell is chief. A mere bloodless question of preсеdence at the breakfast table in the dining car stirred the excitement between the general and the naval officer. The clarion porter shouted his way through the Pullmans with the happy announcing, ‘First call, for breakfast.’”– 1907 Pullman Dining Car Interior Postcard

ARMY AND NAVY IN SHARP CLASH OVER GALLANTRY

• Army Officer Offers Satisfaction Either Officially or in Unofficial Manner
• Enlivening Episode Occurs on Southbound Train From Portland Yesterday
• Major General J. Franklin Bell, Chief of Staff, Gives Naval Officers Stinging Rebuke
• Lesson in Etiquette as to Precedence at Breakfast in Pullman Diner

ARMY vs. Navy, clashing over gallantry. Major General J. Franklin Bell, chief of staff, U. S. A., rebuking a reputed naval officer for rushing out of turn into a Pullman diner was the elevating lesson in comparative chivalry expounded for the edification of passengers on Southern Pacific train No. 13, southbound from Portland, yesterday morning between Davis and Benicia. The honors went to the fighting man ashore, while the fighting man afloat lowered his lance in token of submission to the teachings that women should first be given places in the diner,

General Bell's pupil in etiquette came to this city and registered at the Hotel Argonaut as "W., C. Read, city." On the train he told General Bell that he was a naval officer, but the naval register contains no such name as "W. C. Read." Perhaps the knight is a raw niddy, graduated from the naval academy since the naval register was published. Read's companion in the episode was E. R. McBlair of Washington, D. C.

Fighting Talk, This

The fact is that when Read was reрrimanded by the general of the army he declared himself to be a naval officer, and General Bell then said, "If you take offense at my action, you know how to get satisfaction from me, officially or unofficially."

The "unofficially", is a pregnant phrase, coming from one fighting man to another. What it might have implied can not be surmised without a shudder. Dueling is distinctly frowned upon by the general staff of the United States army, of which General Bell is chief. A mere bloodless question of preсеdence at the breakfast table in the dining car stirred the excitement between the general and the naval officer. The clarion porter shouted his way through the Pullmans with the happy announcing, "First call, for breakfast."

Out of Their Turn

There was a string of passengers in the passageway leading into the diner. Read and McBlair hustled through, out of order. They paved their way with the announcement that they were not hurrying forward to secure choice seats at the first table they were going into the tourist car to meet two women. So they were graciously permitted to pass on. But when General Bell and the other loiterers in the passageway finally reached the tables they found Read and McBlair seated in comfort.

The gallant General Bell could not stand for the precipitation of the young men. He told them that the two seats they occupied belonged by right to two young women who had long been waiting their turn in line. The young men were conscience smitten. General Bell regarded them with acute displeasure.

Conductor Butts In

Then the Pullman conductor heaved to in the affray between the army and navy. "I'm running this car," he insisted to General Bell, "and I'll attend to these things."

"These two American hogs were trying to grab seats that did not belong to them, and I intend to see that they are not able to do it," replied. General Bell.

"If you interfere any more with the running of this car I will stop the train and put you off," said the conductor.

"That would be very satisfactory to me," said the chief of staff. "I am General Bell, chief of staff of the United States army, and it would please me very much to be put off this train."

The conductor began to apologize. but General Bell stopped him, declaring that he should not be treated with any, more courtesy because he was an officer of the army than if he were a civilian passenger.

No Apology Coming

Read was not calmed by the disclosure of his rebuker's identity. He went to the general. "I heard you make some remark about American hogs," he said. "That does not sound like General Bell. But I'll accept your explanation."

"I want you to understand I am not apologizing." declared General Bell. "I don't consider that I have any apology to make.

McBlair was seen at the St. Francis hotel last evening. "The incident," he said, "was due to a mistake. We went into a forward car to see some ladies. When we returned the head waiter seated us and thoughtlessly we took our places. We did not mean to be seated out of our turn." – San Francisco Call, 1909

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Etiquette for Worship in Church

“If refined social manners are essential in the home, they are equally important in the house of God. So essential are they to a consecrated Christian life that Paul wrote a long epistle to his young lieutenant, Timothy, concerning them. In this letter, wherein are found the words of the text, the great apostle tells how bishops and their wives should act, and also how deacons and deacons’ wives.” – Photo source, Pinterest

BEHAVIOR DURING WORSHIP

Rev. Frank DeWitt Talmage Discourses Upon Manners

Rev. Frank DeWitt Talmage delivered a sermon yesterday upon “Church Manners,” taking his text from Timothy 3:15, “That thou mayest know how thou oughtest to behave thyself in the house of God.” His discourse was a good-natured rebuke to the lack of decorum among worshipers and a plea for certain reasonable etiquette in the church. 

He said in part: “Are you a parent? Have you ever dressed up your little children and sent them forth alone to visit, when they were about ten or twelve years of age? Then you have known the anxieties of a mother or father as to their social behavior.

“Before they go, you say: ‘Now, son, be careful about your manners. When you enter Mrs. So and So’s home take off your hat and place it upon the hall rack. Be careful and don’t handle the vases in the parlor, and don't squirm on your chair. When you are at dinner, be sure and keep your hands off the table, and don't spill the food upon the table cloth, and don't ask for a second helping of anything, or talk with your mouth full. When Mrs. So and So passes you a plate. say “Thank you.” Remember, my boy, that your mother's home is to be judged by your table manners. 

“When that child leaves the house, your mind follows him and stays with him all day long. And oh, the pride that sweeps into the parental heart when, next day, you meet your friend, at whose home your little children dined, and she congratulates you in these words: ‘We had such a lovely children's party yesterday. And Mrs. So and So, I want to tell you how well your children behaved. Your boy was a perfect little gentleman, and your daughter a little lady.’ Ah, such congratulation as that is as a sweet savor to the maternal heart.

“If refined social manners are essential in the home, they are equally important in the house of God. So essential are they to a consecrated Christian life that Paul wrote a long epistle to his young lieutenant, Timothy, concerning them. In this letter, wherein are found the words of the text, the great apostle tells how bishops and their wives should act, and also how deacons and deacons’ wives.

“But today, instead of my showing how our ministers and church officers should behave in the house of God, I would preach a sermon on church manners directly to the pew. I would try to inculcate the reverential spirit with which our congregations should assemble for worship.

“I would try to teach this reverence, because more and more in this irreverent age there is a tendency to look upon church buildings as places fitted for secular enjoyments rather than as sanctuaries consecrated to the presence of Jesus Christ.

“The Lord loveth the gates of Zion more than all the dwellings of Jacob. No man ought to place foot in God’s sanctuary unless he can do it with the solemn feeling of Habakkuk, who declared: ‘The Lord is in his holy temple. let all the earth keep silence before him.’” – Los Angeles Herald, 1905

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Teach Table Manners Early

All the little details of good breeding are then as familiar as the alphabet to one who has been taught that attention to small things is always the effort of intelligent minds toward success. This applies to culture as much as to work, or the study and practice of any accomplishment. –Photo source, Etiquipedia private library

THE CHARM OF GOOD TABLE MANNERS

Simple Courtesies of Living Makes Existence a Pleasure

BEHAVIOR at the table is a trustworthy test in early home training or the neglect of it. If one has been brought up to have careful manners at home, one has them unconsciously elsewhere. All the little details of good breeding are then as familiar as the alphabet to one who has been taught that attention to small things is always the effort of intelligent minds toward success. This applies to culture as much as to work, or the study and practice of any accomplishment.

Parents cannot be too careful in teaching their children all the small details which help to form refinement. Our children who are left much to others, are sure to acquire bad habits, for children are very quick to observe and imitate those with whom they associate.

Early Training Necessary

Mothers who are really interested in the welfare of their children are very watchful over them, correcting their faults gently but firmly, and not excusing bad manners on the plea of childish ignorance, or that these faults may be overlooked now, as children will outgrow them in time. Careless faults soon become fixed habits which are difficult to eradicate, because they are followed almost mechanically, and in later times these habits may stamp the possessor as unrefined and may prove a very serious bar to social success.

 

Meal-time Conversation

A serious fault is to reserve mealtime for the discussion of disagreeable family or business matters which may require settlement, but should discussed elsewhere, otherwise the peace and contentment of the meal is destroyed, for good digestion waits truly on peace and cheerful talk as well as on appetite, and health depends on both.

Using the Napkin

And now to turn to practical suggestions. The correct use of the napkin is to unfold it partly and lay it across the knees, to leave it unfolded on rising from the table, at any formal meal. At home one may fold one’s napkin, but the use of a napkin ring is not now general. When visiting one may fold the napkin, if the hostess does so.

One speaks of “eating” soup, not drinking it. Soup is taken from the side of the spoon, and sticklers on etiquette claim that when taking up the soup im the spoon, the spoon should have movement away from one, not toward one. It is bad form to try to take up the last drop of soup in the soup plate or to tilt the plate.

Disposing of the Fork and Knife

When one has finished, the fork and knife are placed close together in the middle of the plate. Never must a fork or knife rest on the side of the plate or with the handle on the table or tossed together in a slovenly fashion on the plate at the conclusion of a meal. When a plate is passed for a second serving, the rule is to leave the knife and fork on it close together.– San Jose Mercury News, 1909

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Royal Etiquette in Vogue at D.C.

Extravagant floral arrangements and lights decorate the East Room of the White House for the state dinner given by President Theodore Roosevelt, in honor of Prince Henry of Prussia in 1902. – “… An invitation or a summons of any kind to the White House as a command. This, of course, is borrowed from Royalty.”

The custom is being recognized more and more of regarding an invitation or a summons of any kind to the White House as a command. This, of course, is borrowed from Royalty. President McKinley invited Senator Platt, of New York, to the White House near the end of his first term to meet a distinguished company at dinner. Senator Platt did not go. When he was asked why, he pleaded that he had a previous engagement. But so far as known, no person since Mr. Roosevelt has been President, has pleaded any reason other than illness for declining an invitation to dinner or luncheon, and, indeed, there is little doubt that if a plea of a previous engagement were made now the President would resent it. Even the French Ambassador had to call off a dinner on one day's notice because he had been bidden to the White House. – Press Democrat, 1905

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Etiquette: “Eating” vs “Drinking” Soup

This soup cup and saucer was for “drinking” turtle soup. – If served in cups it is proper to say that it is “drinking soup,” if served in an ordinary soup plate and carried to the mouth by means of a spoon, it is proper to say that it is “eating soup.” 

Table Talk from Carson City, Nevada  

The serving of salad at a dinner is a matter of taste with the hostess. As a rule the Americans serve salad either immediately before or after the soup, as an appetizer. The French serve the salad with the roast to settle the dinner.

Everything that is taken as food, is as a rule, eaten. Boullion is a clarified soup. and whether one eats or drinks boullion depends upon the manner of serving the same. If served in cups it is proper to say that it is “drinking soup,” if served in an ordinary soup plate and carried to the mouth by means of a spoon, it is proper to say that it is “eating soup.” Generally speaking, when other soups are in question, it is proper to say “eat soup.” In France bouillon is always served at dinner. If served at a luncheon it should be served in cups. Soup should be eaten from the side of the spoon.

The proper way to handle a dinner knife at table is to grasp the handle in the palm of the hand, close the third, fourth and little finger over it, rest the index finger on the back of the blade and use the thumb to steady the blade. – San Francisco Call, 1900

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Gilded Age Physical Etiquette and Fashions

The kangaroo walk is to be very fashionable this coming season. One should be careful in trying it, otherwise one presents a very ridiculous figure. Do not bend the upper body over too far; simply rest the weight of the body on the balls of the feet as far forward as possible, and the kangaroo walk will follow naturally.

EASY LESSONS PHYSICAL CULTURE

This is all that its title implies "An Easy Lesson in Physical Culture." No apparatus is required. Very little time is needed. All you have to do is to keep a few simple rules in mind and then see that you live up to them. Other papers will follow this one, every one of which will aim at common sense and the greatest benefit for the least trouble. These articles have been written by a woman who has made a life study of physical culture, and they are written entirely for women.

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WHAT TO DO

1-Throw the weight of your body on the balls of the feet. 

2-Take long walks in the early morning. 

3-Thrust your chest forward. 

4-Hold your head high. 

5-Breathe deeply.

WHAT NOT TO DO.

1-Don't throw the weight of your body on your heels.

2-Don't let your shoulders droop forward.

3-Don't let streetcars spoil you.

4-Don't carry your head down.

5-Don't slouch.

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THROW away your bottled tonics. Get rid of paints and enamels. Learn to walk. Learn to stand. These two tricks comprise a big part of the secret of "how to be beautiful." You very probably think that you know all about them now, that you always have known, that everybody knows instinctively.

So we all do, likely enough, but we forget. If you carried yourself when standing and walking as you did when you were a wee bit of a youngster you would be a better and a prettier woman to-day. Perhaps you are one of the few women who know how. This is not for you, then, The rest of you, come forward. There is a tip or two that may be worth your while.

The word "better" was not used carelessly. It meant better. For correct standing and walking induce good health and good health induces goodness. You know that yourselves. Don't you always make allowance for the bad temper and unreasonableness of cripples and blind people and invalids on the ground of their ill-heath? You call it an excuse for badness, for cussedness in general you reason, then, to the converse?

Correct standing and walking are valuable as a means of improving one's appearance, besides being conducive to good health. It is surprising how few women stand or walk well. Many go along with a slovenly, slouching gait, their shoulders bent forward, the waist line on a curve and their heads down, thus making a god-forsaken appearance, Not only do they mar an otherwise beautiful figure, but they utterly destroy their vitality.

This is one of the greatest and most common faults to be found the world over. Women frequently appear to lack pride when they assume ungainly positions, but this is often not true at all; they may simply lack muscular vigor of the chest and shoulder muscles, which through disuse are allowed to starve and so weaken. In the end they refuse to do their duty.

There are certain muscles of the back, around and between the shoulders, which if not exercised by holding a proper position of the body and other daily exercise weaken and naturally incline to let the shoulders droop forward. This in a short time gives what we call round shoulders, or a bottle back.

Never resort to the aid of shoulder braces, for they only tend to make matters worse. Exercise the shoulders dally by the use of dumbbells until they become strong enough to keep from drooping. You will be surprised how easily the shoulders will assume their proper position.

Carrying the body properly tends to produce a better mental condition. One is more cheerful and capable of doing better mental work.

Standing improperly is noticeable in its influence on the digestive organs. When the shoulders are held correctly the stomach is held higher and is more free; in this way it more readily performs the work of digestion.

The same with the lungs; the chest being thrust out, the lungs are more free, and one is able to breathe much more deeply. People as a rule do not seem to realize how necessary air is to the lungs, and yet they know they could not live twenty minutes without it. Then if air is of such vast importance, if it is so necessary to life, why not take in all the fresh air we can get?

The failure to breathe properly undoubtedly causes many cases of consumption yearly. If those who have a tendency to lung trouble would take early morning walks in the bracing fresh air, first sipping a glass of very hot water before starting out, and if they would pay a great deal of attention to breathing, inhaling long and deeply through the nostrils, and exhaling slowly through the mouth, and if they would walk with a quick, regular stride, holding the body erect with chest prominent, it is more than probable that in a few months they would forget that they ever thought of lung trouble.

There is no need to rob yourself of needed sleep for this walk; 7 o'clock in the morning is early enough for bracing air. You can walk briskly, for about twenty-five or thirty minutes just before breakfast. If walking is very agreeable to you take an hour's walk, but not as long as that if it tires. Gradually increase the walk. It is too bad that most women do not take more pleasure in this exhilarating exercise. How often they exclaim: "Oh, how I hate to walk! I never walk when I can ride." This accounts for the slovenly gaits so often seen and ridiculed. 

So long as these women think walking so disagreeable they will never know that there is more real, throbbing, pulsating joy in it than in any other exercise. Cultivate your determination and carry yourself past. the period when walking tires. Try walking a short distance at first, and gradually increase until the exercise becomes a pleasure. Here are a few suggestions for walking and standing which any one can follow without special instruction:

Women generally stand and walk with the weight of the body thrown on the heels. This position throws the body backward and makes the abdomen protrude, which is decidedly to be avoided, as it has a tendency to enlarge the abdomen. The weight should rest on the balls of the feet; this throws the body slightly forward. This will seem hard to do at first, but practice will overcome the feeling of tipping forward Do not hold the shoulders back; this gives the appearance of rigidity. Anything that shows effort is incorrect. Simply raise the chest and let the shoulders all naturally, thus giving the chest that appearance of fullness and strength which is so desirable.

Hold the head proudly, which, of course, means high; this gives more fresh air to the lungs, helping them to cast off disease. Always be careful to carry the skirts gracefully; nothing looks quite so untidy as to drag the skirts through the dirt of the streets. It is not only untidy, but it is tempting disease.

Tailors' or dressmakers' best work never shows to advantage on a bad figure; well-hung skirt or finely fitting coat is wasted on the woman who stands or walks improperly. Why? Because standing and walking badly throws the lines of the garment out of their beautiful curves. Proper attention to the attitude is essential in preserving the lines of the figure and giving that desirable combination of good health, style and dignity.

The kangaroo walk is to be very fashionable this coming season. One should be careful in trying it, otherwise one presents a very ridiculous figure. Do not bend the upper body over too far; simply rest the weight of the body on the balls of the feet as far forward as possible, and the kangaroo walk will follow naturally. Lillie Langtry, Leslie Carter and Blanche Walsh rest the weight of the body on the balls of the feet, which accounts for the graceful forward inclination of their figures.

Once more - throw away tonics, and learn to walk and stand.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia