Hospitality vs. Royal Court Etiquette

It is said that her Imperial Majesty has made a vow never to set her foot in Windsor Castle again, and that she declined an invitation to the wedding of the Duke of Connaught in terms too curt to be courteous. — Elisabeth of Austria, was the wife of Emperor Franz Joseph I, and thus Empress of Austria, Queen of Hungary and Queen Consort of Croatia and Bohemia.

Victoria’s Court Etiquette 

Often Equalled Poor Hospitality

A ‘2nd Debut’ article from 2016

The London correspondent of Figaro accounts for the failure of the Empress Elisabeth of Austria to visit the Queen at Windsor on her return from her fox-hunting expedition to Ireland. Whether true or not, the story is at least interesting. 

A year ago, when the Empress' visit to London drew near its close, she went to Windsor one wintry Sunday to make a farewell call on Queen Victoria. According to the etiquette of the court, the hour of her arrival and departure had been announced beforehand. One of the royal carriages awaited her at the station and took her up to the castle through a driving snow storm. The visit over, the Empress took her departure at the prescribed time and was not asked to remain, although the storm had increased in fury. 

Such an invitation would have been only an act of common politeness for common people, but it would have violated the canons of court etiquette. On the way back to the station, one of the horses slipped and fell, causing a delay of some minutes, during which the sharp whistle of the train reached the ears of the Empress. The station was reached too late. In any other class of society the disagreeable situation would have been remedied by the return of the traveler to her hostess, but etiquette forbade counting on the royal hospitality under such circumstances. So the Empress stayed at the station, warming her feet at the fire in the station-master's little parlor, and satisfying her hunger with a share of the family dinner of roast beef and Yorkshire pudding. 

The Empress Elizabeth is not a woman to be annoyed by such trifling accidents as missing the train and being thrown on the hospitality of a poor railroad official, but she preserves a little feeling of spite against Queen Victoria for not sending the carriage back to take her to the castle when she learned of the affair, and for never troubling herself to inquire about the end of the adventure. 

It is said that her Imperial Majesty has made a vow never to set her foot in Windsor Castle again, and that she declined an invitation to the wedding of the Duke of Connaught in terms too curt to be courteous. — The Pacific Appeal, 1879

👑Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Professional Titles in Social Situations

Socially a married woman doctor is called “Mrs.” especially if she is married to a man without a title. It just isn't possible to address a couple as “Mr, and Dr. James Smith.” Many people will call your wife “Doctor” in direct address. – The late Amy Vanderbilt’s books are favorites of Etiquipedia. She preached common sense etiquette and manners in a relatable way.    

Dear Miss Vanderbilt: I am married to a woman medical student. In three years she will become an M.D. I have heard that the etiquette rule is that a woman doctor who is married is introduced as "Mrs." I would be proud to introduce my wife as "Doctor" even though I have no title myself. I wish you would set me right on this.— G.V., Baltimore

SOCIALLY a married woman doctor is called "Mrs." especially if she is married to a man without a title. It just isn't possible to address a couple as "Mr, and Dr. James Smith." Many people will call your wife "Doctor" in direct address.

Only when both spouses are doctors is it usual for a married woman doctor to use her title socially and she doesn't necessarily do so then. Such a couple may be addressed either as "The Doctors Jones" or as "Dr. and Mrs. William J. Jones."

In introductions, depending on their preference, they are "The Doctors Jones" or "Dr. and Mrs. Jones."

If you phone them, of course, it is necessary to specify which Dr. Jones you are calling if the wife uses her title socially.– By Amy Vanderbilt, United Feature Syndicate, 1967

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Home Sewing

DON’T annoy the neighbors by running your sewing machine when others might be asleep. The newest model machines make very little noise, so you can safely sew without disturbing anyone. But if you have an old model machine, don’t use it in early hours if it’s old and noisy.

Sewing Etiquette Can Come Apart Easily

If you are one of the more than 50 million women who sew at home how is your home sewing etiquette? You may stitch up a dress in jig time, but does your temper come unzipped while you're doing it?

The company's home economist. Herthe Holt, offers these DO's and DON'Ts in a survey preview:

1. DON'T be a copycat. When you see a friend wearing a dress you like, don't copy it. There are plenty of patterns for new dresses. suits, coats. Try some of the newer ones and she may copy you.

2. DON'T fish for compliments when you wear the beautiful new outfit you made. You'll get them anvwav. Wait, then you can say those magic words. "Thanks, I made it myself." On the other hand. do accept compliments graciously. "I'm so glad you like it." sounds a lot better than "Oh, it's just a little thing I whipped up myself."

3. DON'T clutter the house with your home sewing projects. Plan out a neat work space for sewing and keep your sewing area organized. Have a foldaway area if you live in limited space. Set aside a sewing room if you're lucky enough to afford it.

4. DON'T annoy the neighbors by running your sewing machine when others might be asleep. The newest model machines make very little noise, so you can safely sew without disturbing anyone. But if you have an old model machine, don't use it in early hours if it's old and noisy.

5. DON'T give amateur lessons in home sewing. If a friend asks you to teach her how to sew, be realistic.

Among the DO'S:

1. DO remember that if your friend's ready-to-wear outfit cost double the amount that it might have cost you to stitch it up at home, you may lose a friend if you say so especially if you say so in front of the friend's husband. Many a domestic free- for-all has been caused by just such a chance remark.

2. DO be polite if the telephone rings in the middle of a sewing project. If you budget your sewing time (easy, an hour a day), the sewing project will wait a few minutes. The friendship you lose may not.

3. DO use your own sewing machine, vour own home sewing equipment. Borrowing can make you unpopular. Just remember that if your best friend has a sewing machine, she has it because she needs it. So rent one, buy one don't borrow one. 

4. DO invite friends in to visit while you're sewing. You don't have to be a home-sewing hermit to do a good job. Serve coffee. chat. It makes your sewing go faster. Besides, you may get some help.

5. DO give an occasional gift that you sewed yourself - and say so.– AP Newsfeatures, 1966 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Mid 20th C. Telephone Manners

"Mrs. Smith's residence" is the correct term for a servant to use but not for any member of the family, including a child. Members of the family say, "Hello."

Dear Miss Vanderbilt: Your reply that it is not proper for a child to answer a telephone by saying, "Smith's residence," astounded me. I was raised in a military family. Military etiquette demands that when the head of a household answer a telephone he identify himself by giving his name and rank. If it is necessary for some other member of the family to answer, he must use the phrase, "Colonel Smith's quarters, John speaking." Only a servant answers, "Colonel Smith's quarters."

I would assume that the correct form for a civilian child to use would be, "Mr. Smith's residence, John speaking." But in this age of direct distance dialing, some positive form of identification is required. I feel that "Smith's residence" is infinitely better than "hello." May I have your opinion on this matter?. If "Smith's residence" is not the correct form, what is? —F.L.P., Columbus, Ga.

THE TERM, "Smith's residence," is never correct. "Mrs. Smith's residence" is the correct term for a servant to use but not for any member of the family, including a child. Members of the family say, "Hello."

It is true that in the service it is customary to answer the phone, "Colonel Brown's quarters, Bobby speaking," if it is a child answering, or, "Mrs. Brown speaking" if it is an adult, or (more in past days than today), "Colonel Brown's quarters, the maid speaking." It is true that service families tend to continue this practice in civilian life and for them I see no objection to it.

Some few people follow the custom of saying merely, "Yes?" (which I find disconcerting) or, "Mrs. Smith" which is in my opinion too revealing). The safe "Hello" is the best course for everyone. We should not reveal our names or telephone numbers to strangers calling who do not identify themselves first.– By Amy Vanderbilt, United Feature Syndicate, 1967

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

“New Etiquette” or Relaxed Etiquette?

The New Etiquette is shown at work in the breakfast setting above.–There appears to be a misunderstanding over the etiquette for formal multi-course meal entertaining and a million dollars. There is no such thing as “millionaire manners,” nor is there “high society” or “high class” etiquette. It is all simply knowing your etiquette and using your good manners.

 

Spare Your Hostess! 

...that will make it fun for everyone

DO YOU TRY to live in 1951 and keep up 1891 table etiquette? Are you still trying to entertain the way Grandma did? Still trotting out all the family silver and china, the fussy meals and the millionaire manners?

But suppose you don’t have Grandma’s leisure or “a girl to come in and help.” Do you end up, after the company is gone, leaning on the kitchen sink and shuddering at the thought of guests?

Well, there’s a new and smart way out. It's called the New Etiquette. Based sensibly on the fact that few 1951 homes have maids, it sees to it that the hostess enjoys her own parties.

The main requirements are the New Style Hostess (or Host) and the New Style Guest. Both should cut down work.

The keynotes are (1) dishes that can be thrown away, instead of cleaned, (2) food that needs less silverware, (3) table arrangements that let guests share with the serving, and (4) clean-up co-operation that lets all join in and have fun.

The New Etiquette is shown at work in the breakfast setting above. Please note that (1) Except for the coffee cups (without saucers), it uses new, non-tasting. plastic-lined paper plates and cups. (2) All food is presented in original containers, or in the cooking utensils. (3) All foods are grouped conveniently. (4) The paper napkins and easily sponged plastic cloth need not be laundered. Hosts and guests are on their own. Wash-up time will be a matter of seconds, not minutes.

Once you get the idea, the New Etiquette is simplicity itself. Here are some important pointers:

LUNCH, DINNER:

• Think of your menu in terms of the easiest service, with the main course served in one unit. Stews or casseroles are ideal. 
• Roasts, steaks, and chops can be served on the same platter as the vegetables. 
• Avoid putting silverware where it is not needed. With a little planning, the 82 pieces of silver and china often used to serve four people can be cut to 35. 
• If you have one, carry everything in on a tea-wagon.

COCKTAIL PARTIES:

• Don't make the canapés, or beyond the first round, mix the drinks yourself. 
• Arrange the makings for canapés. Let guests help themselves. 
• Bring liquor, ice, mixes, bar tools into the living room. 

PICNICS: 

• Let the guests dream up, and make, their own sandwiches.
• Take bread, butter, meats, cheeses, hard-boiled eggs, tomatoes, cucumbers, celery and lettuce.

MANNERS FOR GUESTS: 

• Especially on weekends, remember that your hosts are not your servants. Make your own bed. 
• Pitch in and help with the rest of the work. They'll be glad to have you back!

MANNERS FOR HOSTS: 

• If you expect guests to help with the work, keep it to a minimum and make it easy. 
• For clean-up after meals, label your kitchen shelves so that they'll know where things belong.– By Russell Wright for Oakland Tribune, 1951

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Polite Train Travel Etiquette

The dining experience is usually formal, so understanding dining etiquette is key to navigating your preciously set place setting.  Make sure you know the course timings and pace yourself to appreciate the food, service, and sights from your window.

THE POLITE PASSENGER'S GUIDE 

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to Gare de I’Est Station, Paris.  This is the final boarding call for the Orient Express to Istanbul.  Please have your tickets ready and proceed to the platform four soon.  Thank you for travelling with us and have a pleasant journey.

Agatha Christie the world’s bestselling mystery authoress of all time, immortalized overnight train travel and in classic literature and Kenneth Branagh's recent remake of Murder on the Orient Express. Luxury train travel offers a unique blend of elegance, nostalgia, and adventure, allowing passengers to experience the charm of a bygone era while enjoying modern-day comforts.

Whether you're embarking on a journey on the Belmond Royal Scotsman, exploring the highlands of Scotland or The Ghan, or discovering Australia’s ‘red centre’ to ensure that your trip is enjoyable for both you and your fellow passengers, it's essential to adhere to certain etiquette guidelines. Here are some suggestions.

Safety First

• Train travel is known for its smooth travel. The obvious safety precaution would be not to open doors while the train is in motion.  Smoking or vaping is not allowed within the cabins. If in an emergency, follow the guidance of staff to exit the carriage in an orderly fashion.
• Another point is that many luxury train operators advise hand luggage, such as expensive and valuable items, to be kept by the passenger at all times and not checked in. Cabin luggage is packed separately from large luggage, as checked baggage cannot be accessed during the train trip to the final destination.

Respect Your Fellow Enthusiasts

• Luxury train travel has a carefully curated itinerary with scheduled stops and activities. Being punctual is not just polite; it’s necessary.  Whether it's for meals, excursions, or departure times, ensure that you are on time, otherwise you might find yourself boarding a flight at your own expense to meet the train, again.
• There is a certain elegance when it comes to what you wear onboard.  Many luxury train services ask that you wear formal attire in the evening and smart day wear during the light hours. So, carefully curate your clothing by following the trains timetable.
• The communal areas on luxury trains, such as lounges, dining cars, and observation decks, are designed for relaxation and socialization. When in these spaces, be mindful of having quiet conversations and respecting people's personal space as the carriages have limited free space.
• Luxury train travel is often a social experience, with opportunities to meet and mingle with fellow passengers. Engaging in conversation and making new acquaintances is part of the charm.  However, it's important to recognize when others prefer quiet.  Respecting privacy, make sure photos are taken of you and your travel companion(s) and not of the whole cabin.
• Dining on a luxury train is often one of the highlights of the journey, with gourmet and seasonal meals prepared by Le Cordon Bleu trained chefs.  The dining experience is usually formal, so understanding dining etiquette is key to navigating your preciously set place setting.  Make sure you know the course timings and pace yourself to appreciate the food, service, and sights from your window.
• If you feel the service of a particular staff member was extraordinary, don’t be shy. You can tip at your discretion.

 
Show Appreciation to the Crew

• The staff on luxury trains are there to ensure your experience is exceptional — treat them with respect and courtesy.  Remember to express your gratitude to the staff and crew.  A kind word, a note of thanks, or a smile goes a long way.  
• Many luxury trains provide a guest book or feedback form — consider leaving a positive comment or a thank-you note to acknowledge the efforts of those who made your journey special.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Orient Express welcomes you to Istanbul.  The local time is 2.45pm. We hope that you have had a pleasant, safe, and comfortable journey.  Luxury train travel is a unique way to explore the world.  It is on many people's bucket lists; it is certainly on mine.

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette. Elizabeth is currently traveling throughout India and brushing up on her Hindi.

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Gent’s Table Etiquette

     

Above is a carved, sheep’s bone, apple corer from the 1600’s along with a Georgian era silver apple corer from 1808, next to a gilded age fruit knife and a rare, gilded age “melon” knife. Fruit served at the table needed to be eaten with utensils and a gentleman at the table was indispensable for coring fruit like apples or plums for the young lady seated next to him. Women were not allowed to perform such a masculine etiquette task as coring their own fruit. A true gentleman carried his corer with him in his pocket, to pull out when called upon. 

⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️

It is a piece of refined coarseness to employ the fingers instead of the fork to effect certain operations at the dinner table, and on some other similar occasions. To know how and when to follow the fashion of Eden, and when that of more civilized life, is one of the many points which distinguish a gentleman from one not a gentleman; or rather, in this case, which shows the difference between a man of the world, and one who has not “the tune of the time.” (Shakespeare) ~ Cardinal Richelieu detected an adventurer who passed himself off for a nobleman, by his helping himself to olives with a fork. He might have applied the test to a vast many other things. Yet, on the other hand, a gentleman would lose his reputation, if he were to take up a piece of sugar with his fingers and not with the sugar-tongs. – From The Laws of Etiquette, 1836

Found Under 

“Etiquette of a Gentleman”

A silver knife and fork should be placed to each guest at dessert. If you are asked to prepare fruit for a lady, be careful to do so by means of the silver knife and fork only, and never to touch it with your fingers. — By P. F. Collier, Collier’s Cyclopedia of Social & Commercial Usage, 1882

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Early Marijuana Etiquette

Safe in a corner by a window, beer in hand instead of champagne, I tried to put pot smoking in perspective with etiquette, even in a humorous vein, and tried to get the changing world to fit changes that I myself had made.

The Etiquette Of Pot

La Salle's "Blue Room" hosts an intriguing lot. Overflow dinner crowds eat there: groups reserve it for private parties: Theatre Out of a Suitcase rehearses its plays around imaginary trees and telephones. On any given evening, walking past. one can catch a glimpse of employee parties, Jane Fonda or a local author. Or a bicycle that someone has parked in the corner nearest the kitchen.

The clientele sometimes can be formidable. Look-alike lawyers in look-alike neckties link arms around the political candidates who visit town, shoving less conventionally dressed journalists against the walls. In the Blue Room, feminist groups celebrated the recent Supreme Court decisions supporting the rights of women to have abortions. (Not having been invited, I watched from a distance and didn't try to offer my congratulations.) And a curious, but lively, gathering of what seemed to be bureaucrats and sales people bought autographed copies of a young woman's guide on the etiquette of pot smoking there.

Having been invited in a round-about way (one of the few perks that freelance journalists get is a ticket or an invitation to an event that his editor doesn't want to attend), I mingled for a few minutes but found few faces that I recognized. Safe in a corner by a window, beer in hand instead of champagne, I tried to put pot smoking in perspective with etiquette, even in a humorous vein, and tried to get the changing world to fit changes that I myself had made.

America's middle-class discovered marijuana less than two decades ago. Before that it was almost exclusively the domain of migrant farm workers and artists, writers and musicians who gathered in places like North Beach and Greenwich Village to share ideas and experiments. In 1959, border guards were more intent on hassling student-travellers for illegal copies of Henry Miller than they were for caches of weed. Jazz musicians grew marijuana on San Francisco fire escapes and were only criticized because the plants were less attractive than dieffenbachia or rhododendrons.

That changed in the early '60s. Pot, like long hair, became a symbol of social protest. College students risked unreasonable criminal penalties to smoke it. There was no etiquette-only bonding together against what was perceived as oppression. Sharing a joint (particularly in areas where conservative politics were the norm) became a dangerous, defiant and highly enjoyable-act.

I left LaSalle's Blue Room to the etiquette learners. distressed that this heritage of social protest somehow has been replaced by middle-class hip posturing. Not that there shouldn't be etiquette for those who want it (or want to satirize it) but because smoking a joint no longer is a political act. As a nation, we've slid backwards from those "turbulent years." Pot smokers dress well, drive new cars and own businesses. Diplomats with correctly crooked little fingers euphemize the butcherings of desperately hungry natives in Chile, Guatemala and El Salvador. Educators demand a return to rote learning. I wonder what symbols the next revolution will bring? - By Robert Joe Stout in Viewpoint City Lights, for the Chico Record, 1983

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Private Yachts

What do we need to know when boarding a private mega yacht? The crew may provide specific instructions upon boarding, such as where to place your belongings or how to navigate certain areas of the yacht. Follow their guidance to ensure your safety and the safety of others.

A GUIDE TO NAVIGATING THE SEAS

One of my picks for reality TV programs is ‘Below Deck Sailing Yacht’ watching the adventures and misadventures of staff, captain and guests on the picturesque seas such as the Caribbean, Australia and Mediterranean.

By the way captain Captain Sandy Yawn is one of my favourites to watch. ‘Captain Sandy’ as she is known is cool, fair and calm and will use the letter of the yachting code when boundaries have been misused and overstepped. Sailing on her yacht would make me feel safe and at ease at sea! So, what does it mean for us, what do we need to know when boarding a private mega yacht?

Safety First

Listening to the safety briefing is crucial. It really does save lives. Give your captain and crew your full attention at the beginning of your trip to ensure everyone’s safety. Particularly in regard to life jackets, emergency procedures, and handling equipment like tenders or jet skis.

The crew may provide specific instructions upon boarding, such as where to place your belongings or how to navigate certain areas of the yacht. Follow their guidance to ensure your safety and the safety of others.

Respect the Yacht’s Spaces

Treat your cabin with care. Keep it tidy and avoid leaving personal items scattered around or your bathroom smeared in brown tanning lotion. Many yachts have limited storage and fluffy white towels, so be mindful of your belongings. Also, any valuables and treasures keep them locked up so there are no issues later.

Respect communal spaces by keeping noise to a minimum, especially if others are resting or enjoying the views. When using amenities like the hot tub or bar, be considerate of others who may wish to use them as well.

Staff cabins and areas are off limits for guests. These are the private quarters of the staff where they work and rest. If you want to see the inner workings of the yacht’s engines, captain cockpit, or kitchens, first request permission before entering.

The company you book through will provide a preference sheet for you to fill out. This allows you to list your likes, dislikes, and planned activities while on board. Planning ahead ensures that your experience is customized to your preferences and maximizes your enjoyment.

Whether you're joining the yacht at the beginning of the trip or returning from a shore excursion, punctuality is crucial. Being late can disrupt planned activities and take time away relaxing from your own schedule. So, If you anticipate being late, inform the crew as soon as possible to allow them to adjust plans accordingly. Remember, these super yachts are booked head to head until autumn-winter season kicks in.

When you board and cross the passerelle (footbridge) or gangway, you’ll find a basket for your shoes. This is because yachts often have beautiful teak wood decks that are highly polished. Black-soled shoes can leave marks and scuff the wood, and any heels can leave indents. Shoes also bring in dirt, dust, gum, and even tar from roads and sidewalks. This is a great opportunity to show off your pedicure, so don’t be shy!

Follow Environmental Guidelines

 

Yachts often travel through pristine marine environments. Avoid throwing anything overboard, including food, and be cautious not to disturb wildlife.

Tipping is customary and shows your appreciation for the crew’s service. It’s best to confirm this with the yacht's charter agreement or the captain. The tip is usually given to the captain at the end of the trip, who then distributes it among the crew.

Show Appreciation to the Crew

On American yachts, service staff are trained to interact with clients, providing a friendly and engaging experience. On European yachts, the service staff will cater to your needs while remaining discreet and quiet. Both styles ensure you receive excellent service tailored to different preferences.

The crew is there to ensure your experience is exceptional. A polite greeting and a smile when you board and throughout your stay go a long way in establishing a positive atmosphere. Avoid treating them as personal attendants outside of their duties and never think because you paying for this trip that you are above the law. As I have seen, Captain Sandy, has had to speak to guests and hosts about extreme behaviours and broken safety rules. Remember the Captain and the team are bound Vessel and Maritime laws.

We have reached the Porto Cheli. On behalf of the crew, we thank you for your company and wish you a pleasant evening.

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette. Elizabeth is currently traveling throughout India and brushing up on her Hindi.

www.auersmont.com | +61 466 344 331 | auersmont@gmail.com

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Understand Subtleties Of Doing Favors

“Asking for and doing favors sometimes signals cooperation. More often, it is an unwritten social contract setting up a power relationship.”

Doing favors: Understanding the subtleties

NEW YORK- It can all start with the fatal question, “Could you do this one favor for me?”

With that, and whatever response it engenders, begins the interpersonal maneuvering, the power plays, the jockeying over who owes what to whom.

“The word ‘favor’ implies there’s no cost, but that’s not so,” said Frederick H. Kanfer, a psychology professor.

According to Kanfer, who is also director of clinical training in psychology at the University of Illinois at Champaign, we may ask someone a favor to make that person feel good saying – in effect – “I need you.” We may be enlisting help in avoiding a decision. Or we may be trying to flatter the other person. At the same time, he said, asking a favor “reduces our control over ourselves, because we may feel indebted.”

Whether we do a favor or not can be fraught with similar subtleties: Do we want someone in our debt? What if he or she doesn't reciprocate? Performing the favor can be inconvenient. And it could yield the wrong results - what some have dubbed the well intentioned road to perdition. Take, for example, the friend who was asked to buy a T-bone steak, but got a sirloin instead because the butcher had no T-bones. Were thanks offered for an ingenious rescue? No. The purchase was coldly received.

So why do favors?

“People generally like to be helpful,” said Robert D. Caplan, a research psychologist at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research. “We also like to appear knowledgeable and competent. And by doing favors, we exercise control over others.”

“Moreover, the cost of not doing a favor is high,” said Michael J. White, a social psychologist at Ball State University in Muncie, Ind. “It disrupts our smooth interaction. Here we have asked someone we thought would say ‘yes,’ and they disconfirm our theory about our relationship by saying ‘no.’”

Favor-giving has its limits, however.

“Several psychologists have theorized that people have a great sensitivity to what is fair and equitable,” White said, “which may be why a lot of us become annoyed when other people do us too many favors. Perhaps we sense they are trying to control us.”

“Years ago when I was pregnant, we had a neighbor who, unasked, picked up our children at school and prepared meals for us,” said Margaret J. Rumford, a librarian at the Fairfield (Conn.) Country Day School.

“Initially, I felt grateful. Then I got annoyed, because she wouldn't let me do anything for her.” Only later could she rationalize the incident, thinking. “This woman did things for me but clearly didn't need me doing for her, which left me free to do for someone else.”

Unrecognized favors car be equally frustrating. “Let's say you do me lots of favors,” White said, “and, though you don't ask me, I paint the garage for you. But if you don't recognize my effort as a favor, the balance still is not restored.”

Favors with explicit “givebacks” are unpopular, too. “There are certain types of people who simply have to point out that since they’re doing you a favor, you owe them,” said Susan Handman, a production coordinator at McCaffery & McCall, an advertising agency in Manhattan. “They're giving you no option about responding. Maybe that's one reason why I don't ask for many favors.”

Does she do favors? “Yes, although I feel free to say no, with an explanation to soften the blow,” she said.

Psychologists suggest that we explain refusals in part because it reassures the other person that the relationship is sound: the only reason for not performing the service is that there was a prior commitment. Perhaps that is why Handman finds saying no, without explanation, comparatively easy when the person asking is her husband.

“I can say, ‘No, I don't want to go out and get you some milk,’ and he will understand that I still love him,” she said. “Of course, he may not accept it, in which case he’ll whine about how hungry he is.”

What does she do? “I hit him with a pillow or whine even louder.” – By Margot Slade for the New York Times, 1986

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Inaugural Etiquette of Senate

The 25th President of the United States, William McKinley and his wife, Ida Saxton McKinley

Senate Etiquette: It Came Near to Making Roosevelt Miss President McKinley’s Inauguration

A Vice President seated in solitary grandeur in the senate chamber, while the ceremony of a Presidential inauguration to which he has been invited as an honored guest is going on outside surely presents a spectacle with an element of humor in it. Few persons know how near Theodore Roosevelt came to playing such a part on the 4th of March, 1901. 

The senate sticklers so for minor details of etiquette that the most strenuous reformer would hardly venture to transgress its rules, and they require that a formal motion to adjourn shall be put before a day’s session can come to an end. After his inauguration as Vice President in the senate chamber Mr. Roosevelt took the gavel and, when the routine business was finished, directed the Sergeant at Arms, as usual, to proceed with the ceremony of inaugurating Mr. McKinley as President.

It was then in order for some senator to move an adjournment, but in the confusion nobody seemed to have his wits about him, and the whole assemblage, including the senators, quitted the chamber for the east portico, where the oath was to be administered and the address delivered. In a few minutes the Vice President found himself alone, with a fair prospect of remaining so until the day's performances were over, but it chanced that Senator Heitfeld missed his hat while passing through the corridor and came back to look for it. 

Face to face with the Vice President, it occurred to the senator that something must be wrong, so with the utmost gravity he moved “that the senate do now adjourn.” Mr. Roosevelt, with equal solemnity, put the motion, declared it carried and proceeded in Mr. Heitfeld’s company to the place on the Presidential stand which had been reserved for him.- Francis E. Lempp in Century, 1903

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

White House Civilities for Incomings

During her residence in the White House, Mrs. Grover Cleveland stood up in all the beauty of her young womanhood and bravely shook hands with the mighty public until she had to take her rings and gloves off, until her fingers were swollen, her arm was lame and her hand was like a puff ball. After every reception her maid had a solution ready to bathe her dislocated members, and it was often necessary to rip her sleeve up in order to get it off. 

 

It is an unwritten law of etiquette that the family of the out-going President should receive the family of the incoming President at the White House on inauguration day and immediately after the ceremonies at the Capitol. President and Mrs. Cleveland made an exception and asked President-elect and Mrs. Harrison to dine with them at the White House on the evening preceding the day of the inauguration. They did not, however, remain in the White House on inauguration day, and when President and Mrs. Harrison went there the employees and servants alone received them. President Harrison will observe the usual etiquette and will omit no courtesy. After the ceremonies at the Capitol Mr. Harrison will return to the White House, where Mrs. McKee will remain, and, as the outgoing hostess, will assist him in receiving President and Mrs. Cleveland. — Philadelphia Times, March, 1893

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Letitia Baldrige on Executive Manners

On TV, you'll see a woman 65 years old married for the third time tossing her bouquet. It's so ridiculous... SO many travesties of taste go on the air.

On Zed Diamond and Jenny Markham’s wedding day, fate threw a curve separating them for three years. She had amnesia; he thought she was dead.

Then one day they rediscovered each other and decided to reaffirm their wedding vows. What's the proper protocol for such an event?

If you are a couple from the daytime soap opera “Capitol,” you call upon Letitia Baldrige for the answers.

Baldrige, former Social Secretary to U.S. ambassadors, and Jackie Kennedy's White House Chief of Staff, is without contention the foremost expert on personal and business etiquette in the United States.

For “Capitol’s” renewal-of-vows ceremony, Baldrige said the bride should walk in from the side, not up the aisle. She should wear a pastel shade, not white. The cake, too, should be decorated with color. No flower children should toss rose petals nor friends throw rice.

Those rites are reserved for the first wedding.

When it comes to the marriage ceremony, Baldrige is a traditionalist.

“You can only get married for the first time once,” she insisted in a recent interview.

Baldrige, who rewrote “Amy Vanderbilt's Book of Etiquette” in 1978 and has gained even more renown for her “Complete Guide To Executive Manners,” published in 1985, was asked to advise “Capitol” on the correct wedding form for a couple who previously married.

That meant Jenny could not toss her bouquet, could not wear a train or a long veil (only a short one) and she needed to generally “play it cool on the white stuff.” Baldrige was delighted that “Capitol” asked for her assistance.

“On TV, you'll see a woman 65 years old married for the third time tossing her bouquet. It's so ridiculous,” she said.

“Television has such tremendous influence, but so many travesties of taste go on the air. You'll see tables improperly set, with the fork and knife and spoon juxtaposed.

“Or on one nighttime soap opera, they showed a poolside luncheon with everyone dressed in tennis shorts and bathing suits, and the butler was serving lunch. That’s only with white gloves for the most formal dinner with everyone in evening clothes.”

As Baldrige knows well, traditions and correct manners are enjoying a hearty resurgence in the ‘80s.

“It's part of the sociological shift,” says Baldrige. “From 1965 to 1978, traditions were out. People got married in the fields, with Hindu zithers playing and cows in the background instead of organ around in music. People walked around patches of poison ivy instead of the church. It was all a caricature of weddings when the youth rebelled in the '60s.

“Then, of course, those same kids put on three-piece suits and wanted to work in corporations, and suddenly attitudes changed. Now, people want to be in the mainstream. They want to do the formal things properly again.”

The growing deference to tradition is not limited to social occasions, Baldrige discovered after she rewrote the Vanderbilt book.

“There was one small chapter in there on business etiquette. And it was reprinted in airline magazines and company publications all over the world,” she said.

“Then, I started getting calls from businesses and corporations around the country asking for help on how they worded their invitations, and about protocol at meetings. I realized there was a real market there.”

So in 1980 Baldrige added an executive branch to the New York public relations and marketing firm she has run since 1964.

“But I knew I needed a textbook on business etiquette. So I wrote the ‘Complete Guide To Executive Manners.’” Actually, the book is, as Baldrige called it, “the first, big, sort of encyclopedia on behavior in the office.”

Yes, the book covers the proper form of address for officials in government, military and business. Yes, it discusses how far in advance business invitations should be mailed.

But it also delineates the qualities of good managers: Never expect others to follow rules you do not. Never repeat a rumor that would hurt someone's reputation. Keep promises, both large and small.

Baldrige learned the rules of good business behavior by her proximity to people of power and class.

“Since I was 20 years old. I had role models like Clare Boothe Luce. I had all those years in the White House, all these years in business. I worked with David Bruce, who was the greatest senior diplomat we had in this century, in the American Embassy in Paris.”

Baldrige said the basis of executive good manners is twofold: “It’s 75 percent common sense and 25 percent consideration of others. By common sense, I mean making decisions that are efficient and work well. By consideration, I mean decisions that are unselfish and care about someone else's feelings.” – By Divina Infusino for Copley News Service, 1986

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Cake with Ice Cream

A new twist on ice cream and cake puts ice cream in the cones and places decorated cupcakes atop them. One can eat these by holding them in one hand and starting from the top. Or one can serve them placed on their sides on plates for eating with a fork and a spoon. The ice cream cone is delicate enough to easily break and eat with a fork. The crunchiness adds a fun texture to the cake and ice cream mix!

How to Eat Ice Cream with Cake Properly

DEAR MISS MANNERS - What is the proper way to serve ice cream and cake? I have seen it served in the following ways:
• Together on a crystal dessert plate.
• Ice cream in a goblet on dessert plate, cake on same plate.
• Ice cream in goblet without plate, cake on separate plate.
• Ice cream in dessert bowl, cake on separate plate.
• Together in soup bowl.

If they are served in the same dish, does one eat the cake with a spoon?

Should the ice cream be served first and the cake distributed after all the ice cream has been served?

Or should a slice of cake be added by the host before serving to the guest?

GENTLE READER - This is one of the few matters of table etiquette (milk is another) in which the key factor is the age of the guests.

People of all ages know that ice cream and cake is best eaten by mashing the ice cream down into the cake with the back end of a spoon, preferably while chanting rhythmically but tunelessly to oneself. But only people under the age of 5 can get away with it, and then only when Miss Manners isn't looking.

In order to allow adults to simulate this enjoyment, which is to say to eat ice-cream-and-cake rather than two separate desserts, the items are put on a plate together, with the ice cream on top of the slice of cake or, more dangerously for the tablecloth, off to one side.

The adults are issued both dessert spoons and forks. They may alternate using these, eating the ice cream with the spoon and the cake with the fork, or may keep the fork in the left hand and use it to push ice cream-soaked cake into the spoon, which is held in the right hand. They are not allowed to hum. — By Miss Manners, aka Judith Martin, 1987

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for a Jet Set Pet

When traveling by car with your dog or cat, be sure the pet carrier is seat-belted. Large dogs should be restrained with a harness. Try not to leave your dog or cat alone in the car.

  

Tips on Traveling with Fido

Today more than half the population of the United States  - 63 million households - includes a canine or feline family member. A recent survey showed that 84 percent of dog and cat owners consider their pets as their children. With the deep affection that comes with caring for a pet, animal lovers in growing numbers are loathe to travel without them. In addition to sharing a fun-filled experience, many people no longer see leaving their dog or cat home alone with a house-sitter, dog-walker, or caged in a kennel as their only option.

In response to this burgeoning new market, hotel chains, from Hiltons to Holiday Inns, and from the luxurious Ritz Carlton to the world's finest spas, are now accommodating pets. Choosing a destination, however, is only half the equation. The other concern is humane transportation: how to make sure the journey itself is worry-free and enjoyable for pets, people and fellow travelers.

The ease of traveling with pets these days is due in no small measure to one woman: Gayle Martz. Gayle revolutionized the way people travel with their pets by creating a line of soft-sided pet carriers named for her Llaso Apso, “Sherpa.”

A former flight attendant, Gayle used her travel expertise to design totes and bags that would comply with regulations and fit under the seat in airplanes. She then personally persuaded the airlines to modify their policies, allowing small pets to travel in the passenger cabins rather than to be checked as luggage.

Small pets can now fly in the cabins of Delta, American, Air Canada, America West, Continental, Northwest, TWA, Alaska, West Jet, United and US Air. Secure in their plush, well-ventilated and cozy home-away-from-home, pets enjoy the reassuring presence of their owner and vice versa.

Whether in the air, on the road, or around town on sightseeing or shopping expeditions, advance planning will ensure that taking your pet along is a delightful experience. Here are some etiquette rules for people traveling with pets:

1. Familiarize your pet with its carrier before leaving home.
2. Maintain a low profile. Do not call attention to the pet or disturb fellow passengers. Also in consideration of your fellow passengers, do not take your pet out of the carrier. Your pet must stay in the bag under the seat.
3. Carry a current health certificate from your veterinarian, dated within seven to ten days of departure.
4. Make sure your pet has a collar with a name tag listing owner’s contact information.
5. Pack a travel kit with your pet’s food and treats as well as favorite toys, any medicines and health documents.
6. When making your reservations, be sure to make one for your pet. Only a small number of pets are allowed in passenger cabins on any given trip. Check reservation and fee policies for individual airlines.
7. Airlines require that pet carriers have absorbent liners - be sure you have a spare.
8. At the security checkpoint, request that the agent use the hand-held metal detector.
9. When traveling outside the United States, contact the appropriate embassy far in advance of your trip for quarantine or health requirements.
10. Do not feed your pet within six hours of departure or provide water within two hours of takeoff, and never use tranquilizers unless advised by your veterinarian.

When traveling by car with your dog or cat, be sure the pet carrier is seat-belted. Large dogs should be restrained with a harness. Try not to leave your dog or cat alone in the car. If you must leave for a short period, be sure there is proper ventilation. As with airline travel, the pet should be made comfortable and secure with favorite toys, a blanket or other familiar items.– Chula Vista Star-News, 2001

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Cigar Smoking Etiquette

The gilded age was a time of beautiful and functional designs. Fifty-six years after this cigar tray was designed, women were doing their best to relegate the smoking of cigars to areas in which they approved, and the worried Cigar Institute of America had undertaken a campaign to placate the ladies. “It patriotically denies that a cigar stinks up clothing or a living room-smoke ring for smoke ring -any more than cigarets. But it gives these etiquette tips to cigar smokers who want to keep the little woman happy.”

Men Smoking More Cigars in Spite of Gals’ Protests

NEW YORK. (AP) - The cigar is sending up smoke signals of prosperity - amid some feminine cries of complaint. Last year 15,500,000 smokers in the United States did away with about 6,500,000,000 cigars. This June almost 430,000,000 cigars were released to the trade, 11 percent more than a year ago. But these figures bring small cheer to many women who persist in the strange delusion that a man who smokes cigars probably also takes opium and eats small children on the half shell.

Why? The cigar is as American as the hotdog. Since Christopher Columbus in 1492 saw his first native contentedly puffing away on a stogie, the cigar has enabled the poor man to feel like a king – and the king to feel as much at ease as the commoner. Yet the cigar smoker today is the victim of a widespread female conspiracy against him. If he lights up his Colorado Claro in an airplane, the stewardess flutters up like an angry butterfly. “Cigaret smoking only!” she says, ferrying away the offending hunk of weed. And the airline never refunds either the cigar or the price of a new one.

You stoke up in a friend’s house and what often happens? His wife throws open the windows, ties back the curtains, turns the fan on you and sits glaring with a baleful eye until you rub out the poor old cigar. My own wife for some years now has been trying to get me to join the C.A.A. - Cigar Addicts Anonymous. It does no good for me to remind her that she thinks Clark Gable packs terrific he-man glamour, and Gable smokes cigars.
“If you are going to try to compare yourself with Clark Gable,”says Frances, “let's start from scratch.”

Nor does it influence wives to point out that the Duke of Windsor, who did give up a kingdom for love, didn't forsake the fragrance of a good Havana. Why bother to cite other famous cigar lovers Winston Churchill or American Presidents like Grover Cleveland, Calvin Coolidge Theodore Roosevelt?

Wives just don't care. Can you calm their ire by reminding them that the American public rewarded Gen. Ulysses S. Grant with 11,000 cigars for capturing Fort Donelson? No, you can't. Remembering what happened to the fine old lost art of tobacco chewing, the worried Cigar Institute of America has undertaken a campaign to placate the ladies.

It patriotically denies that a cigar stinks up clothing or a living room-smoke ring for smoke ring -any more than cigarets. But it gives these etiquette tips to cigar smokers who want to keep the little woman happy:

• Look before you flick - for an ash on the tray is worth two on the vest. 
• Puff a good cigar gently. Laying a smoke screen may easily turn the puff that pleases into the cloud that chokes.
• Please no butts. A collection of unsightly butts parked promiscuously around the house will antagonize the most angelic wife.
• Don't chew the cigar or talk with a Perfecto clamped in the mouth. Cut the cigar with a sharp blade; don't bite off and spit out the end. And light it with a match that has burned off the sulphur. It helps keep the aroma.

There you are, men. Now light up - and watch your wife’s face beam in tender pride and understanding. To keep her happy there is one more thing you can do. Swallow the smoke. – By Hal Boyle, 1948

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Early Airplane Travel Etiquette

“It's proper to smoke cigarettes in flight without violating the sensibilities, but odorous cigars and pipes are frowned on. It's not correct for women to expect men to yield window seats, nor should travelers remove their shoes unless given a lap robe or slippers by the stewardess.”– Circa 1930: Miss Ellen Church became the first airline stewardess after convincing Boeing Air Transport that female nurses on board each plane would be a relief to nervous airline passengers.

Air Travelers Establish New Etiquette Rules

IS IT good etiquette to tuck your napkin under your chin and eat directly from the casserole? Yes, say social arbiters of airline travel. It's perfectly all right to wear your napkin like an ascot tie and forthright approaches with knife and fork are approved in handling casserole dishes. Entrees and vegetables are served together in the same dish for the sake of convenience in airline cuisine.

In checking on social behavior sanctioned by custom and usage among air travelers, United Air Lines reports that, contrary to Victorian standards, gentlemen may remove their coats and ladies may in all propriety strike up conversations with strangers. And it's quite proper for a man to precede a lady in getting on a plane, if that's his place in line.

It's proper to smoke cigarettes in flight without violating the sensibilities, but odorous cigars and pipes are frowned on. It's not correct for women to expect men to yield window seats, nor should travelers remove their shoes unless given a lap robe or slippers by the stewardess.

And it's a gross breach of airline travel etiquette to pocket the silverware as a souvenir of the trip. – Hanford Daily Sentinel, 1949

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia