Global Kissing Etiquette

It may come as a surprise, but not all cultures think of kissing as romantic. In the 1400s, when Europeans first embarked on their path of conquest and exploration, kissing was unknown in many parts of the world. The romantic kiss as we know it today was first popularized by the ancient Romans. Bryant calls the Romans “the ‘kissingest’ culture that ever existed.” They puckered up on every conceivable occasion, he says, and it even became stylish to perfume one's mouth with Oriental spices to enhance the pleasure of a kiss. The Chinese found the whole idea of public kissing gross. And when members of an African tribe spotted two Europeans in a passionate kiss, they wondered what could be wrong with those people.

A History of Osculation

If you find yourself in the mood to smooch your sweetie, buss your lover, peck your sister on the cheek or just indiscriminately air-smack any celebrities you happen to pass on the street, you want to consider this: A kiss, despite what the song says, is most definitely not just a kiss.

In fact, it can be just about anything. Americans kiss to greet each other or to say farewell, to congratulate or console. We kiss lovers on the lips, infants on the head and children on their cuts and bruises.

Indeed, kissing plays many roles in human affairs; our folk- lore, rituals and everyday behavior brim with examples. There was the traitorous kiss of Judas (from whence the phrase "kiss of death"). Gamblers kiss their cards. to deflect divine wrath (sort of the flip side of the pious kissing Bibles, crosses or Torah scrolls). Patriots kiss their native soil. Irish kiss the Blarney Stone (for the luck of the Blarney). Politicians kiss babies (more blarney). Even princesses kiss frogs to turn them into princes.

On a personal level, note that the whys and hows of kissing can have less to do with romance or friendship than with cultural and historical forces. Frenchmen, for instance, will kiss you twice, once on each cheek; Belgians, three times. Chinese don't do it in public, and Nigerians don't do it at all. Austrians kiss on the hand; Indonesians kiss only the cheek. In Mediterranean and Latin countries men traditionally kiss each other; not so in America.

Theories on the earliest smooch range from a need for oral contact that begins in infancy – when the tactile satisfaction is enhanced by the reward of obtaining mother's milk – to an attempt by prehistoric men and women to demonstrate that they didn't intend to bite. Another explanation is that kissing began when primitive humans licked each other's faces for salt.

If you're more romantically inclined, it's also thought that ancient lovers believed a kiss would literally unite their souls, because the spirit was said to be carried in one's breath. The heart, as an age-old symbol of love, may symbolize pursed red lips. However, don't be too quick to assume that humans invented kissing. Even chimpanzees instinctually press warm wet lips against your neck when they're glad to see you.

The first recorded kiss happened in India more than 4,000 years ago. A passage in the Rig-Veda describes people pressing their noses together. And, according to Vaughn M. Bryant, chairman of the Anthropology Department at Texas A&M University, it's not hard to figure out what happened next. Bryant, who lectures on the origin of kissing, surmises! that while nose to nose with another, "somebody must have slipped and found that the lips were a lot more sensitive than the nose."

The romantic kiss as we know it today was first popularized by the ancient Romans. Bryant calls the Romans "the ‘kissingest’ culture that ever existed." They puckered up on every conceivable occasion, he says, and it even became stylish to perfume one's mouth with Oriental spices to enhance the pleasure of a kiss. Casual public kissing grew to such outrageous proportions in those days, in fact, that Emperor Tiberius banned what we now call the social kiss. (As has Miss Manners; more on her later.)

People didn't kiss simply for pleasure in ancient Persia, where manners of kissing reflected class! distinctions. Equals could kiss each other on the lips, and those of slightly different status would kiss on the cheek. The lowest subordinate had to kiss at a level symbolically low enough to match their inferiority; this usually meant kissing the superior's foot. For those ranking slightly better it was permissible to kiss the garment hem or knee of the upper-class person. For the lowest abject prisoner even kissing a foot was considered too good, and he or she was forced to kiss the ground near the nobility's shoes. From such practices come the phrases, "kiss the dirt," "bite the dust," and "boot-licker."

In Renaissance Europe these kinds of kissing protocols were replaced by bowing, curtsying and the doffing of hats-apparently a consequence of rising fears about the spread of the Great Plague. In a similar vein another theory holds that the handshake evolved as a diluted version of the hand kiss, a popular European gesture of respect to women. As the kissing of hands became more stylized, a gentleman's pucker would relax to the point that his mouth might only graze the back of the lady's hand or even miss altogether. As the custom became antiquated the men would merely take the lady's hand while bowing slightly, sort of a weak handshake.

Though Americans take an inordinate: amount of pleasure from kissing, the passion doesn't seem to be universal. Many people express intimacy in other ways. For example, the kiss at the close of the American wedding ceremony is regarded as the standard symbol of love and sexual union. But not at a Cambodian marriage rite; there, the groom will touch his nose against the bride's cheek. In Korea, where Confucianist tenets deemphasize physical intimacy, the bride and groom bow to each other and then to their guests to symbolize their new bond. Traditional Chinese and Japanese consider it a breach of decorum to kiss in public – even at weddings – as do Black Muslims.

Elizabeth Eames, a lecturer in social anthropology at Haverford College in Haverford, Pa., recalls her three years in Nigeria, where she says, kissing is just short of lunatic behavior. "Kissing is like someone tearing their clothes off on a busy street here," she says. "West Africans get grossed out when they see tourists kissing. To them it's inappropriate-comparable to intercourse in public They'll away from the kissing couple, make faces or point." West Africans don't kiss at all, Eames says. In greeting, a girl will kneel and a boy will touch his hand to the ground or lie prostrate. Best friends might spit into each other's hand and shake, symbolizing that a piece of you goes to the other person. "The only time you'll see a kiss in this part of Africa is as a sign of great respect to an old grandmother," Eames says. "A younger person might press lips against a grandmother's chest to show she's the mother who has fed them all."

Among Eskimos nose-rubbing replaces mouth contact. Indonesia is another place where not even lovers kiss on the mouth, at least not where people can see them. Variations elsewhere include nose-pressing, nuzzling or placing one's lips close to a partner's face and inhaling. In some cases these non-kissing cultures harbor mythical or spiritual fears about exchanging saliva, because it is considered to be part of the soul.

In East Africa the accepted way to show affection is to tickle the other person's stomach. So why are Americans so kissy? Michael Ascher, a psychologist and professor at Temple University Hospital in Philadelphia, blames two influences: politicians and entertainers. When show-business people kiss, they're close friends, he says, with the less popular person wanting to show the TV audience that he or she is Johnny Carson's kissin' cousin. Politicians, he says, peck their spouses in public to present an image of family solidarity.

Andrea Weiss, assistant professor of psychology at Drexel University in Philadelphia, agrees that public kissing is often more a social statement than a gesture of affection. "We kiss to convey an impression to others that we're getting along and that we care about each other even if it's not true privately. We learn we're supposed to do this from the media-television, movies and reading – and by observing others."

"Thirty years ago you kissed people you were friendly with," but nowadays, Ascher complains, "kissing is a false affectation dispersed too freely. ... Whether you kissed or not on the first date really meant something in the '50s; now it's irrelevant. We kiss much like we shake the hand of a stranger."

Which brings us to the social kiss, or "air-smack." This type of kiss functions in lieu of a handshake and not infrequently to project a certain image or rapport. The gesture consists of a puckering noise usually made a few inches from the cheek, or merely a light brushing of cheeks with the intention of not mussing anyone's makeup.

This practice thrives particularly well at fund-raisers, galas, receptions, state dinners, airports, campaign trails and Hollywood Variety shows. "Anyone who ventures backstage at the theater or to any reception honoring the arts must in this day and age be prepared to kiss first and converse later," Joanna Powell observed in a Harper's Bazaar article about current fashions in kissing. This kind of kissing is what piqued the indignation of Miss Manners, aka Judith Martin. The etiquette guru has implored her Gentle Readers to return to the civilized handshake greeting, which she laments has become completely devalued by the social kiss. Likewise, cheek-kissing has declined in meaning to the near-neutral emotional content of handshake, she observes disapprovingly.

If you must kiss each other's lips in greeting, it should be "ladies' choice," Miss Manners maintains. A woman should request a kiss by "tilting her face upward without moving it to either side." As Miss Manners sees it the gentleman has no choice but to perform – unless, as is always the gentleman's prerogative, he chooses to kiss the lad on the hand.

Concludes Powell on the subject: "The final step in kissing cleverly is understanding the variety of kisses and choosing them like vintage wines, in tandem with the proper situation." – By Eve Glicksman, published in Chico News and Review, 1990

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia