Good Etiquette and Surface Veneer

I beg of you—don't mistake condescension for tolerance! Learn to like the butcher because he is a person—and, by the way, a person that knows something that you don’t. Respect him because he has learned a trade that may not be very savoury—but it is important. 

I was having an argument the other day as to the correct definition of the word “etiquette.” My opponent insisted that it meant merely the surface veneer of manners that people in the higher walks of life have acquired —that it is something that is not vitally necessary to the average person. I claim that “etiquette,” to me at least, is much larger than is any set of manners alone. It gees deeper than the surface of conformity to conventions, and relies on the basis of tradition that our many forefathers have given us. 

I think it was Emerson who said: “There is always a best way of doing everything . . . Manners form a rich varnish with which the routine of life is washed and its details adorned. If they are superficial, so are the dewdrops that give such a depth to the morning meadows.” I have never known anyone, no matter how great a person he was, who could “get away” with just a superficial veneer. Manners, although important, are truly of secondary importance—it is one's manner that is most important. Once the few basic rules are learned, you can forget the details and build up the biggest thing – your personality. 

You can’t possibly leave a feeling of graciousness and calmness with your fellow beings when you are worried by doubts and a feeling of uncertainty. I think the basis of all manners lies in that old proverb— “Politeness is to do and say the kindest thing in the kindest way.” I don't know who first said that, but I can remember it being dinned into me from the age of dependence until I was old enough not to need it. Make a habit of courteousness always and everywhere. Manners that are brought out only on state occasions usually fit as poorly as clothes that are worn only occasionally. If you feel kindly and act kindly toward everyone—even toward the person you most dislike—before long you will have developed an unconscious courtesy. 

After you have developed this kindliness of manner, there is another thing to learn—a true sense of people’s worth. Never estimate men for what they possess, but for what they are. The truly well-bred man or woman has simple tastes and makes no glorification of money. A display of wealth is as vulgar as a contempt for those who do not have it. Never treat anyone with contempt – remember that there is at least one fine quality in every person. A sense of values will give you a good-humored tolerance of others. When I was a young girl I was an awful snob—and I can see now that I must have been a rather odious person. I had utterly no reason to consider myself better than anyone else—yet I did because my sister and I had a nursery-governess and went away to a private school when all the other youngsters in our funny little town went to the local grammar school, and no doubt had a much better time than I did! 

Since I have been out of school and have lived more or less intimately with the Nobility of Europe, with rough American engineers in South America, and with Mexican peons in ranches along the border—I have learned that tolerance is one of the greatest assets that can be obtained. But—I beg of you—don't mistake condescension for tolerance! Learn to like the butcher because he is a person—and, by the way, a person that knows something that you don’t. Respect him because he has learned a trade that may not be very savoury—but it is important. – By Deborah Ames, 1936

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia