Mid-19th C. Hungarian Etiquette

 

No account of their habits would be complete, without stating that the whole population, from the nobleman and clergymen, down to the lowest ‘Rauer of the Puszta,’ smoke incessantly, from morning till night.— Above, front and back of a 19th Century collectible cigarette card, featuring international holidays.

Diets and Habits of the Hungarians

An intelligent correspondence of The Independent, giving an account of his observations in Hungary, speaks of the uniformly strong and athletic appearance of the inhabitants. He goes on to speak of their habits of eating as follows I took considerable pains in Hungary to notice the diet and habits of eating as follows:

I took considerable pains in Hungary to notice the diet and habits of eating of the people, as connected with the remarkable vigour of the race, hoping some useful hints might be derived for America on the subject. This seemed more desirable, as there is no country of Europe so resembling our own or at least the Middle States of our own, in climate. The same extremes of heat and cold; the same sudden, violent changes of temperature; the same clear, stimulating atmosphere, which mark the American climate, and distinguish it from usual European. 

There are districts in Hungary which produce the most delicious grapes and melons and peaches in the summer, which are buried in snow in winter, precisely like the inland countries some years in New York. And in travelling over the best part of the land, I might have thought, as far as productions were concerned, I was journeying through the plains of inner New York or Pennsylvania; the only exception being the vine, for the want of which in America I am disposed to think the cause is not to be sought in the climate.

In respect to the habits of the people, the great peculiarity seemed to be there temperance in eating and drinking, and at the same time they're making of the meals a pleasant social occasion, and not nearly means so filling up the stomachs. When I say they are “temperate,”I mean they indulge in no excess; as, in respect to wine-drinking, there is scarcely a man in the land who does not drink the light wine as his dinner and supper. But the Hungarian the meal-time is a time for social intercourse, when friends meet; or when children and relatives or gather with the parents, and have almost that only merry, familiar conversation during the day. 

They sit a great while at table, and taste of great variety of dishes, at least among the better classes. Still they are not by any means as hearty eaters as the Americans or English. Indeed, to a traveller with keen appetite, or to one accustomed to the vigorous exploits of the English at the table, the Hungarian seem really abstemious. They may much more use of fruits, and salads, and curious puddings, and the light pure wines, then we of the Anglo-Saxon race. 

Indeed, the Hungarian will consider himself in danger of becoming a sot, if he should drink every day the strong brandied wines which every Englishman has on his table. The English in Hungary too, and  say it is impossible in that clear, oxy-genated climate, to keep up their habits of beef-eating and drinking. The first meal among the Hungarians is taken at seven or eight in the morning, and consists only of a glass of coffee with rich milk and some meagre cuttings of cold toast broken up eaten in the coffee. This is the universal breakfast for all classes except the poorest Rauer. Between this and the dinner at one or two nothing is usually eaten or drank. 

The dinner, as I have said, is long,with the great variety of dishes, not essentially differing from our own except that it is lighter,and greater use is made of light wines. This meal is always followed up by a cup of coffee. The only other meal is a supper at eight o’clock in the evening – a long meal again, with soup, fish, pudding and wine. Tea is very little drank in the land, sugar and sweetened articles too, are seldom used.

What especial theory of diet, to draw from all this, I am at a loss to determine. Still, the facts may be useful to some who are investigating the matter. The principle things, worthy of imitation, seem to be moderation and sociability of the meals, and the distance time at which they are separated — the last being, no doubt, very conducive to health. The principal cause of their vigorous health, and well-formed bodies, must be found without doubt, in their open-air pursuits and manly exercises, to which they are ardently attached. They are a nation of herdsman of farmers, and are enjoying the benefits of their pursuits.

No account of their habits would be complete, without stating that the whole population, from the nobleman and clergymen, down to the lowest Rauer of the Puszta, smoke incessantly, from morning till night.— Originally published 14th October 1851, New York Times

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Italian Country Life Etiquette (1882)

The balls are not select; even the peasants are included; and the price of admission is only one sou. There is every variety of class and costume. Some of the ladies will appear masked; other in what they fondly imagine to be the height of fashion; some in evening and some in morning dress, and some in a happy mixture of both. One will wear a low gown and her best bonnet; another will carry in addition to fan and smelling bottle, her muff. The band plays on a raised scaffolding. — At the Fancy Dress Ball of 1893

Amusements in Italian Country Life

There is always a band, often very good, and there is generally a theatre, where, during the carnival, some sort of dramatic representation takes place, and the theatre serves also for a ballroom; then there are the fairs, which make a rendezvous for all classes, and. at the risk of appearing irreverent, I must include processions among the entertainments. 

Italian amateur actors are infinitely better than English. To simulate emotion, to speak distinctly, to suit the action to the word all this comes naturally to them. A great many are born actors and actresses, and display their talents freely off the stage; for the exhibition of feeling is thought so proper and becoming that they feign it where they have it not. To weep at every parting, even with the most casual acquaintance, is thought a point of etiquette, and the art of pumping up tears at will is one of the first to be acquired. 

Knowing the amount of pain and rehearsing necessary to get up private theatricals in England with any success, I was surprised at the facility with which the dullest and most uneducated Italian would learn and recite his art, and with what grace and what effect each point would be given. He never mumbles, or looks as if he didn t know what to do with his arms and legs, or appear to be wondering why he is making such a ridiculous fool of himself, as is the way of the English amateur. 

The balls are not select; even the peasants are included; and the price of admission is only one sou. There is every variety of class and costume. Some of the ladies will appear masked; other in what they fondly imagine to be the height of fashion; some in evening and some in morning dress, and some in a happy mixture of both. One will wear a low gown and her best bonnet; another will carry in addition to fan and smelling bottle, her muff. The band plays on a raised scaffolding. 

Musicians and dancers cannot agree, “Do you know what it is yon are playing ?” is occasionally shouted from below. “Do you know what it is you are dancing ?” is the tu quoque from above. More lively banter follows, ending perhaps, in a quarrel. The musicians strike work; the dancers reply that does not matter; but it ends in a reconciliation, and all goes on as before. The peasants prefer dancing in the open air. The only dance known to them in these parts is the “salterello.”  The man and woman dance opposite one another, she looking as if she must fall forward, and he backward. Hands are sometime joined; but this is thought bad form by the peasant aristocracy. 

Two or three fiddlers play a monotonous, bagpipe like tune, which is occasionally enlivened by a shout and gust of song. Then an “improvisatore” will be inspired by bis muse, and, like some clergymen who preach extempore, has a difficulty in leaving off. The energy which the peasants display after a hard day's reaping under a burning sun seems amazing, but Italians, though some times averse to work, never tire of their amusements. 

The band plays an important part in all festivities. During a wedding it will play operatic music inside the church; it brings up the rear in all processions; it celebrates the “Befana” (Epiphany) by going about, much as our “waits,” do, from house to house, and, like the “waits,” it is apt to become a nuisance. On occasion such as a birth, or a christening, or an electoral triumph, or the return from a journey, we have suffered much from the midnight serenade of a particularly zealous band belonging to a neighboring village. –The Cornhill Magazine, 1882

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A New Look for a New Year

When it comes to building an inexpensive, professional wardrobe, employ these simple tips, and career doors will open. You will be ready to take on the world — in person or virtually.

One key ingredient to success is looking the part. Ideally, you will comport yourself with confidence, have good posture, and an appealing and appropriate appearance. The good news is, you do not need to blow your entire budget on your work wardrobe. Here are a few simple rules to live by. If you follow these, you'll be perfectly polished every time. 

Establish your style: 

First, you need to establish your style. No sweats, yoga pants or loungewear allowed, unless those are the fields you are in. Keep in mind what type of business you are representing. You need to decide on a style that suits your budget, lifestyle, and is appropriate for your industry. 

For example, if you are a female working in a predominantly male industry, your attire should say, “Here I am. Take me seriously, I know what I'm doing.” It does not have to be too feminine, nor too masculine.

If you are in a creative field, you likely have the flexibility to be more creative with your wardrobe. While you want to remain authentic, keep your style creative, yet be respectful of your employer, and dress within accepted expectations.

Choose a color palette: 

Which color palette works best for you? If you're not sure, ask personal stylist or color consultant. A good color consultant should be able to show you the subtle changes different colors can make in your appearance. You can also ask family and friends for their opinions, or take a few pictures of yourself in different colors. Once you decide, be loyal to that palette when shopping. Being true-blue to your palette will be flattering and make mixing and matching a limited wardrobe easier. 

Make sure that whatever you wear is neat, clean, and well pressed. It will make a difference and can elevate a relatively ordinary blouse or skirt to extraordinary. Also, being well-groomed shows the world that you respect whomever you are meeting and yourself.

Shop smart: 

You do not need to have a lot of expensive clothes to be well dressed. If you shop smart, you won't have to spend much, nor do you need a ton of clothes. Shop the big sales at your favorite shops. You can usually find the best buys “off-season.” Investigate good consignment shops and discount stores. It will be easy to find options near you if you search online. Also, consider supporting local shops. Make friends with the salespeople, and once you have established a friendly relationship, ask the clerk to keep an eye out for you for good sales based on things you’ve bought in the past.

Also, when you shop, stick to your color palette and style. When you do, you can work very well with a limited wardrobe, and expand the perception of the size of your wardrobe by mixing and matching. You can easily change a look by adding jewelry, scarves, boots, or a cute hat.

Consider your virtual wardrobe: 

Finally, today’s smart shopper will keep a virtual presence in mind when spending precious funds. These days, most of us are living at least partially in a virtual world, both professionally and socially. Therefore, refining your virtual appearance is just as important as your in-person appearance. Make an effort to keep your online presence as put-together as it is in-person. This signals that you respect the people you interact with online as well as yourself.

There are some things to consider when deciding what to wear in the virtual world. Some colors, like white, may not come across well. Take a few screenshots to see how you look. Do you blend in with your background, or do you stand out? Skinny stripes and busy patterns are a poor choice for virtual meetings; they can “crawl” and be a distraction to others in the forum.

Don't spend the bulk of your budget on great tops. We will meet again in person, and you want your whole wardrobe to be presentable. If all of the pieces of a line you like are reduced in price, get as many matching pieces as possible for your budget at the same time. That way, all of the pieces should be from the same dye lots.

Our newest contributor, Heidi Dulebohn is an international cultural consultant and etiquette expert. A coach for emerging and established leaders, she specializes in building advanced level soft skills like emotional intelligence, cultural competence and executive presence. She can be reached at heididulebohn.com

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Comte De Chambord’s Etiquette at Home

His table had the simplicity of a private home; but all was served on massive plate, engraved with the heraldic fleur-de-lis of the Bourbons. When dinner was announced, the Count and Countess walked out first and took the center places at the dinner-table; the visitors who were especially honored were placed on the left of the Count and the right of the Countess.  — Prince Henri, Count of Chambord (September 1820 – August 1883) was disputedly King of France from August 2 to 9, 1830 as Henry V, although he was never officially proclaimed as such. Afterwards, he was the Legitimist pretender to the throne of France from 1844 until his death in 1883.

—Public domain photo

He is said to have been more a man of science and learning than a politician or a statesman; his tastes were quiet, his habits were retired, and almost too simple for his position for those who think that Princes should not forget the old saying that Majesty without its externals is a jest, and that they must not be too much like other people. This the Comte de Chambord recognized, and in his home there was just enough of necessary etiquette to mark the Chief of the Royal line. 

His table had the simplicity of a private home; but all was served on massive plate, engraved with the heraldic fleur-de-lis of the Bourbons. When dinner was announced, the Count and Countess walked out first and took the center places at the dinner-table; the visitors who were especially honored were placed on the left of the Count and the right of the Countess. These seats of honor were differently filled at every meal, by a graceful innovation of the host, that all might enjoy the privilege in turn. No one ventured to address him, but his kindness enabled every one to have an opportunity of conversing with him. 

In the case of any visitor of note, he was honored with a private interview in the study of the Comte de Chambord, who delighted in prolonged conversation and free discussion of every topic. The interview lasted during the pleasure of the Royal host, who gave permission to retire by a significant smile and bend—motioning as if about to rise, but without actually leaving his seat. The Comte de Paris, on the contrary, lives exactly like a private individual, and waves all etiquette.He is considered to be personally devoid of all ambition, but anxious to do what might be considered his duty. —The Century, 1884

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

19th C. Japanese New Year Customs

Japanese designs were popular in American decor and women’s publications of the 1880’s — In Japan, the Emperor receives in his palace, and all the high officers of the government are expected to call and pay their respects, wearing their diplomatic dress and all their decorations. They advance to the end of a long, richly-furnished room, where sits the Emperor and the Empress, and bow low and say; “Ake Mashite Omedeto,” or “Happy New Year,” and retire backward until they reach the exit. It is not etiquette for the Emperor to respond. — 1884

“Ake Mashite Omedeto”

Which is Japanese for “Happy New Year”

The Japanese celebrate the incoming of the New Year by four days of visiting and jollification, and have a grand final celebration on the fifth day, by the way of a wind-up before they settle down to fan-decorating and the other occupations carried on by them. It is not without an effort, however, that the celebration is stopped on the fifth day, and there are many who continue their visits until the end of the month, so large is their circle of acquaintances. In this country there are scarcely enough Japanese to enable this custom to be religiously observed, but the few make an effort to emulate the customs nstilled in them by early practice. 

In Japan, the Emperor receives in his palace, and all the high officers of the government are expected to call and pay their respects, wearing their diplomatic dress and all their decorations. They advance to the end of a long, richly-furnished room, where sits the Emperor and the Empress, and bow low and say; “Ake Mashite Omedeto,” or “Happy New Year,” and retire backward until they reach the exit. It is not etiquette for the Emperor to respond. 

Sixteen years ago, before the people rebelled against Tokugawa Yoshihisa and abolished the feudal system, the Emperor sat upon a platform, behind a curtain, which was rolled up when he was ready to receive callers. Now that there is no curtain, he is upon a level with those who call. Among the people, the time is one of great festivity. Everybody calls, and nearly everybody drinks sake, a liquor distilled from rice. When an intimate friend calls upon a person, he is received with great cordiality. When he enters the reception room he drops upon his knees and then sits upon his haunches. A little table is placed before him, and he is served with wine, fruit and ten different kinds of food.

Those not well acquainted, simply hand in their cards. On the first day there is a military review and fireworks in the evening The second day is much like the first. On the third day there is a procession of the volunteer and paid fire companies, which arouses great enthusiasm among the people. On the fourth day there is a slight cessation in festivities, which are renewed and reach their height the following day, when the Emperor gives a reception to the nobles and high government officers, and the people regale each other at restaurants.— Placer Herald, 1884

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age “Maritime Society“ Etiquette

 

The importance of annual pilgrimages, which are increasing year by year, has developed a system of ocean etiquette that governs the conduct of what may be termed the best circles of “maritime society.” Nowadays, the Captain of a crack ocean steamer must not only be a first-class sailor, but he must also be a man of infinite tact and method, with a thorough knowledge of what “society” requires at his hands. 

Eighty thousand Americans annually visit Europe. Of this number, 50,000 sail from the port of New York. They spend upon an average while abroad $2,500 apiece. The greater number are ladies. Much is the statement made by a Broadway traveling commission firm to a Journalier. The importance of these annual pilgrimages, which are increasing year by year, has developed a system of ocean etiquette that governs the conduct of what may be termed the best circles of “maritime society.”

Nowadays, the Captain of a crack ocean steamer must not only be a first-class sailor, but he must also be a man of infinite tact and method, with a thorough knowledge of what “society” requires at his hands. To sit at the right of the Captain at table at once accords to the occupants of that distinguished honor the highest place in the social scale on board ship, and the position is competed for with an amount of anxiety that is very amusing. 

The senior surgeon and his assistant (when two are carried) act as deputies, and rank, socially, next in importance to the Captain himself. How to accommodate the various claims for this coveted distinction is a matter of serious moment. The personnel of the passenger list is closely searched at least forty-eight hours before the vessel sails. 

Very often the purser is called into consultation, and the difficulty is finally settled by placing a card bearing the passenger’s name upon his or her plate. From this decision there is no appeal. It frequently happens, however, that one or more persons may consider themselves slighted, and where it is probable that the imaginary slight will disturb the social harmony, the Captain escapes by taking his meals in his own room. — New York Journal, 1883

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More History of Mistletoe Kissing

Kisses Numbered By Mistletoe Berries — Mistletoe figures in many legends from pre-Christian times. Druid tree-worshippers believed it had magical powers of healing. Romans thought that enemies who met beneath the mistletoe must kiss and declare a day’s truce. Today, kissing beneath the mistletoe remains a happy holiday custom. Correct procedure is that a berry must be removed for every kiss taken, and when all the berries are gone, there are no more kisses available.— 1962

Respecting the question of kissing under the mistletoe, a correspondent writes to London Notes and Queries; One would suppose, from the part played by the mistletoe in Scandinavian mythology, that this custom was common to all northern peoples. Baldur was slain by a mistletoe dart at the instigation of Loki, and in reparation for the injury the plant was afterward dedicated to his mother, Frigg, so long as it did not touch earth, Loki’s empire. On this account it is hung from the ceilings of houses, and the kiss giver under it signifies that it is no longer an instrument of mischief. The fetes held in commemoration of the sacred mistletoe survived in some parts of France into the sixteenth century. The plant was credited with many talismanic properties, and its festival attracted immense gatherings of people.” —Inyo Independent, 1889

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Kissing Under the Mistletoe

 

Mistletoe, one of America’s favorite holiday decorations, brings to mind an especially pleasant custom: that of catching an unsuspecting (or so it may seem) sweetheart “under the mistletoe” for a kiss. The green leaved, white-berried plant really does have quite a romatic history. References to it appear as far back in history as the days of fhe gladiators. The Romans made first recorded use of the plant as a symbol of peace. Enemies meeting under it were required to discard their weapons and declare a truce. Parallels in later history occur in Norse mythology, which records the mistletoe plant as a symbol of love. The custom of kissing beneath the bright leaves comes from the Norse marriage rite in which it was used as a major decoration.

A writer in the London Daily Telegraph conversing with a street-vender of imitated holly in Christmas week, asked him whether the mistletoe, of which a plentiful supply was in the market, was ever sold with artificial berries. “There’s a lot of rubbish talked about mistletoe,” said he, “and I dare say it’s very pretty to read about it in Christmas tales and to see it in Christmas pictures, but poor people don't care anything about it. It's all very well, perhaps, among the well-to-do sort of people, who can afford to invite old and young to all manner of gay goings-on, but among them that are always working and driving for a living, they got something else to think about when they get a chance of a bit of a jollification.’’ But even among the humblest of the laboring classes the young fellows have sweethearts, and at their Christmas parties, kissing under the mistletoe is surely start of the fun. “Well, that's where it is at, perhaps,” returned the old fellow, after a few moments’ reflection, “the young fellows don’t see the fun of it. They do their courting steadfast and with a hearty will, just in a manner of speaking, as they set about the work they get a living by. 

And when a young fellow tacks on to a young gal, meaning to marry her, he doesn’t usually see the force of being so very polite as to let another young fellow kiss her just because got a sprig of mistletoe in his hand or catches her passing under a bit of it hung up. It might go down in company where they practices genteel manners,” said Bill’s father, “but in homely circles like them round about the New Cut and Lambeth Walk, a young fellow who tried it on would most likely get his head punched, which, of course, would make a disturbance and spoil the harmony. No, sir, it isn’t in poor neighborhoods that mistletoe is much sought after. When there’s a glut of it, and you can buy a good-sized bush for about sixpence, it will sell in the Cut and such market places, but there isn't a hundredth part the hankering after it among poor people there is for holly.” — The Weekly Calistogan, 1882

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Merry Table Etiquette of 1894

 

Iced oysters or clams are to be eaten with lemon juice dropped over —never with salt and pepper. Never play with knife or fork or other table utensils; do not touch them at all, except when about to use them. Do not forget that cheerfulness “suggests good health, a clear conscience and a soul at peace with all human nature.”

Eat, Drink and Be Merry... 

And While Doing So at Table, Observe These Rules

• Children should be taught to drink as little as possible while eating. 
• “Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a stalled ox and hatred therewith.” 
• No gentleman will ever place his arms upon the table either before, during, or after a meal. 
• Meats are to be cut with a single gliding movement of the knife, not by converting it into a saw. 
• Keep the elbows always close to the side, no matter how ample may be the room between the guests. 
• Never hurry the dinner. Let everything come along promptly on time, and move steadily thereafter. 
• Iced oysters or clams are to be eaten with lemon juice dropped over —never with salt and pepper. 
• Be punctual. To keep a dinner party waiting under any circumstances is the greatest social indecorum. 
• Take soup only from the side of the spoon—unless wearing a mustache. Never sip it with an audible sound. 
• Never play with knife or fork or other table utensils; do not touch them at all, except when about to use them. 
• He lives longest and most safely who at dinner, and elsewhere, turns down his glasses and “tastes not the cup.” 
• If an accident of any kind should occur during the dinner do not seem to notice it—unless help may be quietly given. 
• Do not forget that cheerfulness “suggests good health, a clear conscience and a soul at peace with all human nature.” — The Morning Union, December 27, 1894

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Dining Room “Pigs”

“There is a poser for ‘society’: If a man with a mustache cannot drink soup sensibly and decently, he should be sent to the trough in the back yard to keep company with the man who tucks a napkin in his collar. It is all right for a woman to drink soup from the side of her spoon, or for a man with a shaven upper lip; but men with mustaches have some rights that ‘society’ is bound for its own sense of decency to respect, especially as ‘society’ decrees that every man should wear a mustache!”

A Woman’s 1886 Take on “Pigs” 

The Various Society Pigs — The Pig with a Chin Bib, the Pig Who Sucks Soup from His Mustache and the Fork Used as a Comb

There is one practice that is becoming altogether too common with men and one that ought to be abandoned as soon as possible. It is their habit of tucking a napkin under their chins at table. In my younger days, such a thing would have been considered coarse and vulgar and no gentleman would have thought of doing it. A napkin so used, takes the place of a bib, but is not nearly so neat or effectual as a bib. Yet what gentleman is there who would be willing to acknowledge himself so much of a baby, or a pet pig, as to require a bib? If the napkin is so worn to keep the food from falling on the clothes, it is an acknowledgment that the wearer is entirely out of place in a public dining-room or in the company of ladies and gentlemen. If he is such a hog as to let food slip out of his mouth and trickle down his breast, he should be made to feed out of a trough in the backyard.

Not long ago I sat opposite an evidently refined young lady at a public table, and near both of us sat a man with a napkin tucked under his chin. When I am eating I avoid looking at such men, as they are more than apt to be piggish and disgusting while they feed. I noticed that the young lady sitting opposite me glanced at the man with the napkin under his chin, and then turned pale and lay down her knife and fork. In another moment she had left the table, and the poor waiter thought she was offended at his service. But she was not. She had caught the bibbed lout doing a very disgusting thing and it made her sick. I looked to see what it was. He was combing his mustache with his fork!

And then, we all know the man who with a loud hissing sound, sucks the soup from his mustache. Everybody in the dining room hears it, and many appetites are spoiled. Now, “society” tells us that it is vulgar to take soup from the point of the spoon, and insists that it must be taken from the side. Allow me to say that in this particular society is a fool. A man with a mustache cannot take soup from the side of a spoon without soaking his mustache, and then he drips, slobbers and sucks. It is fair to ask, “Which is better— drinking from the point of the spoon and keeping the mustache clean, or drinking from the side and producing a soaked, dripping spectacle that turns the stomach of an ordinary beholder upside down? 

There is a poser for “society”: If a man with a mustache cannot drink soup sensibly and decently, he should be sent to the trough in the back yard to keep company with the man who tucks a napkin in his collar. It is all right for a woman to drink soup from the side of her spoon, or for a man with a shaven upper lip; but men with mustaches have some rights that “society” is bound for its own sense of decency to respect, especially as “society” decrees that every man should wear a mustache. — “Jeannette“ in the San Jose Herald, 1886

Even though gilded age society decried the practice of wearing one’s napkin as an adult bib, there were plenty of patented “napkin holders“ and “napkin supporters” out on the market for men and women alike. Some were quite imaginative, but they were still placing napkins upon the breasts of diners, which remained quite the public faux pas.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Minding One’s Virtual Manners

Be grateful, be kind, and mind your virtual manners. It’s actually quite natural for us to be kind; we are born hard-wired to be that way, so keep it up. It doesn’t take much time, and you rarely need any money to be kind. Reach out and check-in. Simple acts of kindness can make someone’s day, including yours. Etiquette skills will help you succeed in your professional and personal life, and they will hold their value long after the pandemic ends. So, put your best virtual foot forward. Your image, your friends and family relationships, even your career, may thank you for the effort.

The Importance of Etiquette in a Virtual World

Technology has offered a lifeline during the Covid-19 global pandemic. In 2020, society made a big move, but we didn’t need to pack a thing, or hire movers. We moved to a new, virtual world, which requires unique skills to navigate and communicate with respect and politeness. Most companies, schools and even churches, now regularly conduct business almost entirely on a virtual stage. Further, technology isn’t all business; it’s a social outlet for friends and family to connect. Every single day, there are more than 300 million users on Zoom, 100 million on Google Meet, and 115 million on Microsoft Teams, among the most popular virtual communication platforms.

So, how are we conducting ourselves in this virtual world? In other words, are we minding our virtual manners? Well, not as well as we should. Virtual comportment begins with respect. It continues with good listening skills, speaking prowess, empathetic leadership, emotional intelligence, gratitude, and ends with kindness. Those are higher level soft skills, but there are some foundational practices that not enough of us consistently employ that can have a huge impact on our ability to communicate more effectively in a virtual environment.

Here are the top 5 ways to mind your virtual manners:


1. Be on time. Whether attending a business meeting or a virtual social gathering, be on time. It’s rude to show up late online, just as it is in person. Being late signals that you and your time are more important than everyone else. Your tardiness also interrupts the flow of the meeting while the leader briefs you on what you’ve missed. Whenever possible, be early. It can be a great time to connect outside the event.


2. Dress the part or dress a notch above what you’d typically wear. Stand out with respect. Please resist the urge to wear your sweats in virtual company. Dress in appropriate attire. For formal business meetings, dress as you would if you were in person. For less formal gatherings, dress “at-home professional.” Be neat and well put together. Your clothing should be pressed, fit well, and suit your body type. The same goes for virtual social events; dress in what suits you and the occasion. It is disrespectful to wear your binge-watching lounge-wear on camera. It sends the message that others are not worth the effort to dress the part.


3. Learn to listen. Do not interrupt. Do not speak over others. Just as you would in-person, engage your listening skills virtually. Be present, and listen. Wait until it’s your turn to speak, and utilize the “Raise Hand” function. Everyone wants a chance to contribute to the conversation; please be polite and do not interrupt. Interrupters send a signal that their ideas or comments are more important than everyone else’s. Be respectful and wait for your turn to talk. Meanwhile, enjoy the conversation by listening. When it is your turn, or if you are leading the meeting, be inclusive. Use an agenda to manage time, and ensure that everyone can contribute.


4. Be empathetic. Please remember to be empathetic when gathering virtually. As our stress levels climb — 2020 could be synonymous with previously unheard of levels of stress — our patience wanes, and our temper can fly. Be mindful and take an empathetic walk in someone else’s shoes. Use your emotional intelligence and try to understand what others feel. You may need extra patience, but it may help to imagine those who are homeschooling children, taking care of aged parents, and trying to work from home — they might need a little TLC. In business, if possible, be flexible. Socially, take time to reach out to a friend who could use a strong “virtual” shoulder to lean on.


5. Be grateful and kind. We should always be on our best behavior, in-person, or in the virtual world. Treat others how you want to be treated, with respect and kindness. Say, “please,” and “thank you” with sincerity. Research shows that being grateful will improve your mental and physical well-being and help relieve stress, which we could all use. In particular, be kind on social media. Remember that everything you post on social media is immortal. So, despite how easy it may be to leave a sarcastic comment, resist. Take the high ground, and embrace positivity. Remember your core etiquette skills.

Our newest contributor, Heidi Dulebohn is an international cultural consultant and etiquette expert. A coach for emerging and established leaders, she specializes in building advanced level soft skills like emotional intelligence, cultural competence and executive presence. She can be reached at heididulebohn.com

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

 

New Fashions Gilded Age Tableware

Other novelties mentioned are flower cups for individual salt-cellars. Liquor sets are prominent either in Russian enamel or repoussé work. The decanters are very low bodied. The glasses are set in perforated silver, enameled or raised. Coalport after dinner and tea sets decorated in representation of jewels such as turquoise and pearls on backgrounds of pale blue, pale pink, gold and ivory are among the many attractive things.— Above, an antique Coalport cup in a sterling silver holder graced with cherubs, atop its saucer.
— Photo source Etiquipedia private library  
 

New for 1892

A bonbon dish of cut glass, with a sterling silver handle. The brightly chased silver beautifully enhances the brilliant stars and roses that form the cutting.

Among charming fashionable wares now to be seen is that combining cut glass with silver mountings in the accompanying illustration from Jewelers’ Circular is shown a bonbon dish of cut glass, with a sterling silver handle. The brightly chased silver beautifully enhances the brilliant stars and roses that form the cutting. Beautiful clear crystal vases are shaped like the cornucopias of a Christmas tree and wreathed with silver flowers which terminate in a standard. 

Other novelties mentioned are flower cups for individual salt-cellars. Liquor sets are prominent either in Russian enamel or repoussé work. The decanters are very low bodied. The glasses are set in perforated silver, enameled or raised. Coalport after dinner and tea sets decorated in representation of jewels such as turquoise and pearls on backgrounds of pale blue, pale pink, gold and ivory are among the many attractive things. 

Dresden handles are applied to gilt knives and spoons of every sort, and are among the things regarded as desirable by every woman who takes an interest in her table. The rival of Dresden china handles is Russian enamel. Silver vegetable dishes and their platters and salvers generally have plain surfaces, excepting the edges, that are in high rich raised work. The covers of vegetable dishes have on their highest curve a narrow band of this raised work. — Red Bluff Daily, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Mustache Guards

“To abandon the mustache is almost out of the question. Inasmuch as that appendage is highly ornamental to the masculine visage, making many a homely man good looking and contributing pulchritude even to the most beautiful specimens in pantaloons.” — This patent for a mustache guard by T. Ferry was as applied for in 1900. Several other types are shown below.

Mustache Guards for the Gilded Age

If nature had contemplated soup she would never have provided man with a mustache. That civilized man cannot live without dining is undeniable, and a good dinner is almost necessarily introduced by soup. But the average male human being whose upper lip is unshaven finds it very difficult to eat his potage in a neat and well bred manner.

To abandon the mustache is almost out of the question. Inasmuch as that appendage is highly ornamental to the masculine visage, making many a homely man good looking and contributing pulchritude even to the most beautiful specimens in pantaloons.

The problem has furnished inspiration to a number of inventors, who during the past few years have applied for patents on “mustache guards” of various kinds. All of them are ingenious, and, taken together, they show that a vast amount of earnest thought has been expended in the effort to produce a contrivance that will give happiness to the man with the hirsute lip by enabling him to eat his soup gracefully and comfortably.

Latest of the Inventors in this line is T. Ferry of Wilmington, Del., who only a couple of weeks ago took out a patent on a mustache guard for which one advantage claimed is that it may be “easily carried in the vest pocket.” It is a sort of comb arrangement, and, holding itself in place by a pair of springs at the sides, keeps the hairy ornament up and out of the way of the mouth. — J. A. Moore of Cambridgeport, Mass., 1905

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Noiseless Spoon for Soup

“The ‘muffler’ which has been applied to the spoon is simply a ‘lid’ that covers one half the surface of the bowl, a slit being provided at the edge through which the liquid enters the mouth of the user...” — So it was basically a “mustache spoon” with a different name? Yes!

A spoon that permits the most careless person to eat soup without noise has been invented by a St.Louis man. The inventor claims that a person using this spoon cannot make a noise, even if he feels inclined to do so. The “muffler” which has been applied to the spoon is simply a “lid” that covers one half the surface of the bowl, a slit being provided at the edge through which the liquid enters the mouth of the user. 

The device is somewhat like the old fashioned “mustache cups.” In the results obtained, and is recommended to men with heavy mustaches for use with all manner of liquids taken with a spoon. A spoon with a wider silt or aperture is to be made for use with soups other than the “clear’’ or “strained” varieties.— Los Angeles Herald, 1901

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Soup in a Mustachioed Gilded Age

“It seems from these extracts to be the rule of highly-cultured nations, that no one should speak while he is eating soup, and, considering the modern mustache, it may be a very appropriate police regulation.” — Three “Mustache Spoon” designs from the Gilded Age for eating soup, including one for left-handed dining. Many of these spoons were also occasionally marketed as “Noiseless Soup Spoons.” During the period there was great focus on silently keeping a gentleman’s mustache free of foods and liquids. 

—Photo source Etiquipedia’s private library 

There are some dinner rules in high fashion we may not all know. For instance, in the new novel, “Aristocracy,” this passage occurs: “‘I dare say you'll find England very different from America, Mr Allen,’ Lady Oaktorrington (pronounced ottor) says after the removal of the soup, during which course not a word had been spoken at table.” 

And how it is in France one may gather from Guy de Maupassant’s novel, “Belami,” in which this occurs: “The servant announced: ‘Madame is served.’ then they adjourned to the dining room. Duray found himself seated between Mme. de Marelle and her daughter. *** No one spoke while eating the soup.” This looks like it is by design. 

It seems from these extracts to be the rule of highly-cultured nations, that no one should speak while he is eating soup, and, considering the modern mustache, it may be a very appropriate police regulation. But we must not too quickly jump at conclusions. We all know that sometimes at American dinner parties, in the matter of early conversation, one finds himself, as it were, silently “in the soup.” - Louisville Courier Journal, 1890

Patented “Mustache Holders” and lifters of the era were also sold to those who worried about appearances while dining. As popular as mustaches were at the time, the mustache spoons, along with cups and other mustache-themed items sold very well, even if their patented designs looked downright ridiculous when sent to the patent office to great, unintended comic effect. 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia