Elizabeth Post on Strained Relations

Even Elizabeth Post wasn’t this neurotic over how a table should be set!

Doing the Right Thing: What to say when everything goes wrong

Dear Mrs. Post: How do you word a thank-you note for a visit, when you know you were not welcome? We visited my husband’s brother for the first time. We stayed three days. The two brothers are very close and we have always enjoyed their visits. Our sister-in-law was always prompt in writing us a warm thank-you note. I liked her and thought she liked me. Their home was considerably more impressive than ours, the poor girl was a nervous wreck having us there. Things were quite pleasant, though strained. Our last evening there, I was setting the dinner table I put the forks on the paper napkins, as there was a slight breeze, I didn’t have all of the napkins folded towards the plate. I noticed a frown and asked if I was all wrong. Oh boy, was I wrong! 

She got out her book of Etiquette and read to me. She informed me she wanted her table set properly, and she also wanted her guests to use proper table manners. After a few more words about the neighborhood they live in and the people they are accustomed to associating with, she left the room crying. After a few minutes she came back and everything was fine. When we left the next morning, we sent a plant to their home with a thank-you note. Upon our arrival home we found a thank-you card from her for the plant. An added note said, “we wish we could have made you people more comfortable.” How do I answer this in order to smooth things for the two brothers? Shall I write and rave about her lovely home and exclusive neighborhood (as I know she wants me to)? I know I cannot write a warm, sincere letter. Yet, I am the one that upset her. How do I go about making amends? —Gladys

Dear Gladys: Although you thought that things were “pleasant, though strained.” apparently your sister-in-law didn't. There must have been something more to upset her then Just the way you placed the napkins. If you truly don’t know what it could be, I would write quite frankly and ask her. Do tell her how much you enjoyed her lovely home and hospitality. If the trouble was really caused by your table setting, I feel she is at fault. No unimportant detail is worth such an outburst. Whether one is a pleasant, helpful guest, as you apparently were, is far more important than what fork you need or how you placed the napkin! – By Elizabeth Post, 1968

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Invitation Etiquette

IN SOCIAL LIFE – “Instead of answers to the social problems already set forth in this column, more questions continue to be sent in, which, being of themselves tacit acknowledgments that the suggestions for solving previous questions have been satisfactory, are a compliment that is appreciated since the position of social oracle is a greatness that has been thrust upon the department, rather than one with which it was born, or for which it has ever had the temerity to seek to achieve.”

Society Editor Herald – “A lady and gentleman, about to issue invitations for a society event, seeks information through your columns. As it is to be a joint invitation, by husband and wife, is it permissible to send invitations to the gentlemen friends of the host, and their wives,—all parties being of equal social standing—though the wife of the host may never, for many reasons, have called on the ladies? Would such action be just cause for unfavorable or invidious comment? Or, if it is not permissible, would it be “the proper caper” to invite the gentlemen and not their wives? Which action would show the spirit that should rule all society—true courtesy? You will, perhaps, say that the hostess should call on the ladies before the invitations are issued, but that may, under many circumstances, be impossible.”

Courtesy First—Regarding the “just invidious or unfavorable comment.” The class of persons who indulge in such witless little pleasantries are oftener actuated by a spirit of envy or narrow-minded ignorance, than with any sense of justice, unless tbe cause for such comment be a flagrant breach of etiquette; and, except in the latter case, such persons should be charitably commiserated on their unfortunate and unenviable point of view. But, in order to avoid committing a flagrant breach of etiquette, it is as well to first be sure you are right and then go ahead in social, as in other matters. And you most surely would not be right, if you invited a married man without his wife under circumstances above set forth; on the contrary, it would be little less than an open insult to both the man and his wife. 

Second—“All parties being of equal social standing” the circumstances which preclude a call before the issuance of invitations must be either ill-health on your part, or else that you have not lived here as long as the guests you would invite. Be that as it may, the wives should be invited if the husbands are to be; and since the calls have not and cannot be paid and the husbands are wanted for business or other reasons, the joint invitations should be sent to such gentlemen friends and their wives, with the visiting cards of both host and hostess enclosed. In such manner do you show not only the courtesy of an invitation, but that of a call as well from both your husband and yourself; and acceptance will follow if the guests know your reasons for not having actually paid the call; if not, and in the case of regrets, you have done all you could “under the circumstances” to show your courteous intentions. – Los Angeles Herald “Social Life”, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Noisy Neighbors

To keep neighbors tolerant of your noise requirements, alert them to special events you are planning. If it’s a party and they fit in, invite them. If your apartment building has a community room available for parties, use it. Not only will you avoid noise complaints, but your own digs still will be neat when it’s all over. If your children must practice clamorous musical instruments or hold jam sessions with friends, have them talk to neighbors about the time of day these people would least hate to hear it. It will teach the kids consideration, and their display of concern is bound to elicit neighborly goodwill.

Today’s Compact Living

Own noise is okay; others’ definitely not!

The truth about noise is that most of us can stand only our own. And we are more tolerant of the rumpus friends and acquaintances make than that of strangers. Noise can create a barrier to neighborly relations between apartment dwellers, but it needn't be insurmountable, Nor does avoiding it mean you must operate in a funereal hush. Mutual accommodation is the best way to balance differing needs for vitality and serenity, because in the long run it is the only thing that works. If you have to complain regularly to the manager or landlord about neighbors' ruckuses, or to the police, or if you have to get a court order to keep the peace, chances are you will be in for a long feud rather than a good night’s sleep. No number of calls to police in one small New England city, for example, halted the honking horns of night visitors to the suspected marijuana dealer next door, nor quieted the yelps of his watchdogs, which greeted guests and kept a retired couple sleepless and exhausted. They plan to move from their ground-floor apartment. Had the young entrepreneur lived in their building, they might have appealed to the manager or landlord for help. But often, if there is no local code which protects tenants’ rights to peace and quiet, or unless your locality has an anti-noise ordinance, there can be little relief until the malefactor’s lease expires. 

If you’ve talked to your neighbor about his noise nuisance in a reasonable fashion, and he’s a stinker and persists, there often is little more you can do, except maybe devise a creative way to get even, A Pittsburgh friend who works nights sleeps poorly during the day because his upstairs neighbor has a dog that barks incessantly at every hallway squeak. Maliciously, on a night off, he strolled past the dog-owner’s door once every hour and scratched it lightly. The tenant heard nothing, but the dog did, and he carried on 10 minutes at a time. It was a delicious pay-back but, my friend admitted, an unpleasant way to live and no real solution. To keep neighbors tolerant of your noise requirements, alert them to special events you are planning. If it’s a party and they fit in, invite them. Tone down the decibels after midnight and schedule the bulk of your festive commotion for weekends when people are more likely to be able to afford lost sleep. If your apartment building has a community room available for parties, use it. Not only will you avoid noise complaints, but your own digs still will be neat when it’s all over. If your children must practice clamorous musical instruments or hold jam sessions with friends, have them talk to neighbors about the time of day these people would least hate to hear it. It will teach the kids consideration, and their display of concern is bound to elicit neighborly goodwill.

One thoughtful tenant asked her neighbor whether the loud jazz she loved to immerse herself in over weekend breakfasts caused him grief. Her neighbor enjoyed its muted distance, but appreciated even more her consideration in asking. If street noises bother you, hang drapes rather than wood or metal blinds; and if you don’t want to cover the fine wood of your floors with noise-absorbing carpet, shed your clunky shoes when you are at home to spare downstairs neighbors the staccato dissonance of your tread. Family quarrels are as disturbing to neighbors as to participants. Sometimes banging a knife handle against a radiator or a broom handle against the ceiling or floor is enough to alert the combatants to your discomfort and to distract them from their fervor. And you should stay at a safe distance, too. If your baby is fussy, better to comfort it than let it cry. If a child screams endlessly, you could be suspected of neglect or abuse, and neighbors complaining to authorities could bring police or welfare department investigators to your door. To keep bedroom sounds at a low level, keep caster cups under bedframe wheels, a rug on the floor, and if possible, the bed against a wall which doesn’t abut a wall you share with a neighbor. 

One of the most obnoxious forms of din for apartment residents is that created, most often in small cities, by people who toot to pick up friends rather than park and ring their bell. Responding to a honk is allowing yourself, as well as your neighbors, to be treated ungraciously. Be polite to your friends and expect good manners from them, too. Finally, if police do come to your door in response to a neighbor's complaint, be courteous. Remember they have learned from bitter experience that house calls to keep the peace can be fatal to the peacemaker, so it’s no more fun for them to be at your place than it is for you to have them there. – By Eileen Foley, Special to The Desert Sun, 1980

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Democracy and Americanization

“Democracy is a word in quotation marks instead of a factor in life with too many native Americans.” – Mary Antin was an immigrant, an author and an immigration rights activist. She is best known for her 1912 autobiography The Promised Land, an account of her emigration and subsequent Americanization.

Says Americans Should Learn to Be Neighborly

Mary Antin, famous author, lecturer, and Russian immigrant, says: “There will be no problems of immigration when American citizens learn the lesson of neighborliness. There are almost as many native Americans who need to be Americanized as there are foreigners. Democracy is a word in quotation marks instead of a factor in life with too many native Americans. Where there are ghettoes there are no free women. But ghettoes can meet only ultimate obliteration in America.” With an eloquent plea to “open the doors to those who knock at our gates,” and denying any possible terrors in immigration problems, Mary Antin, foremost woman writer in America, noted lecturer, and naturalized Russian immigrant, arrived in Los Angeles today, where she will remain for the remainder of the week.

A mere slip of a person, with boyish slimness and a happy smile for California sunshine, Miss Antin (in private life wife of Andrew Graham, Columbia university professor) was a surprise to the delegation of city teachers who met her at the train. Only in the intense, tragic blue eyes does the woman portray the dramatic emotion with which she has swayed thousands by her books, “The Promised Land,” “They Who Knock at Our Gates,” or reveal the tremendous life tragedies which she has witnessed and participated in, with the Russian Jews in their native land.

Must Learn Neighborliness

While at first refusing to discuss immigration, Miss Antin finally declared; “It can be summed up in a word or two. There will be no problem of immigration when each individual American citizen learns the lesson of true neighborliness—not that of a convention halls, but of every day life. Talk about foreigners learning our customs and manners! It is Americans’ duty to learn theirs, to extend hospitality and neighborliness to the foreigner within the gate—and behold! There will be no longer any problem. But the trouble is that too many native Americans need to be Americanized. Democracy is only a word in quotation marks to them—not a principle of life.” – Los Angeles Herald, 1915

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Of Snobs and Manners

Snobbishness consists not of a set of manners, but of a state of mind. It’s possible to eat cabbage with a knife, and still be the most and most intolerable of snobs. – According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary, the word snob does not come from “sine nobilitate.” Sine nobilitate means “without nobility,” which makes it feel as though it could be the origin for snob. The only problem with this is that the various senses of snob which are concerned with social class and suchlike were not the first meanings of this word. When snob first began to be found in print, it was used as a term for a shoemaker, or cobbler. By the 1830s snob had taken on meanings that were directly related to class, but not in the way that we use it today. This early 19th century sense was “a person not belonging to the upper classes; one not an aristocrat.” In the middle 19th century the word took on the meaning of “one who blatantly imitates, fawningly admires, or vulgarly seeks association with those he regards as his superiors.” Finally, by the beginning of the 20th century snob had come to be used to mean “one who tends to rebuff the advances of those he regards as inferior; one inclined to social exclusiveness.”

Listen, World! One hears a good deal of impolite speech in these days when humanity is being reshuffled for a new deal. How we crow over the downfall of crowns and gloat over the fact that the laborer is at last coming into his own! I gloat with the rest, for I've always felt that the bumper share of the crops should go to the chaps who sow and and them. Nevertheless, it may be well to pause before call too many names. For instance, there's this business of labeling people snobs. The popular definition of a snob is anything that rides in an automobile, understands French, and takes lemon with his tea. There are other distinguishing marks, these are sufficient to you as one of the obnoxious breed. 

Now that's all wrong, dear comrade Hoi Polloi. Snobbishness consists not of a set of manners, but of a state of mind. It’s possible to milk a dozen cows a day, tend a potato patch, split wood, butcher hogs and eat cabbage with a knife, and still be the most and most intolerable of snobs. It’s also possible to own six sets of cars, a gold dinner service, and winter in Honolulu, and still be the most neighborly and helpful of commoners. Odd as it may seem, a flannel shirt is no guarantee of a knightly heart beneath, nor does a silken BVD invariably clothe a knight. 

Many a man rides in an automobile because he has earned it by honest, fair dealing, by industry and intelligence. Many a man reposes in a gutter, because he’d be gutter bound if you gave him a million. And there’s quite as much intolerance, suspicion, meanness and lack of dignity in the tenement as there is in the mansion. Let us by all means do away with social industrial injustice. But while we’re doing: it, let us also remember that individual character is the final, determining factor in a man’s success or failure. The surest sign of a weak or snobbish nature, is a tendency is to blame or envy or flutter the other chap. The Lord gave you two legs. Stand on them and stop making faces at the rest of the world. – Written and Illustrated By Elsie Robinson, 1923

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for Royal Neighbors

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex only moved in to Frogmore Cottage on the Windsor estate a few months ago, but their presence has quickly impacted the community. Earlier this weekend, British tabloid The Sun reported that Harry and Meghan's neighbors had been given a list of demands instructing them how to behave in the presence of the royal couple and in the vicinity of their home.

Those living near the Sussexes’ residence, including royal staff, were reportedly given a number of “dos and don'ts” which included the following guidelines:

• Don't approach or instigate conversation if you see the Royal couple 
• Do say 'Good Morning' or some other pleasantry if they speak to you 
• Don't pet or stroke their dogs, even if they come over to you 
• Don't offer to walk their dogs 
• Don't ask to see baby Archie or offer to babysit 
• Don't post anything through the letterbox of Frogmore Cottage 

Now, Buckingham Palace has issued a statement responding to the rumors of such a list of rules. A spokesperson has clarified that while “guidance” was offered to the community in a meeting, Meghan and Harry were not the ones to create a mandate; rather, the direction was issued by an “overly protective palace official.”

“The Duke and Duchess didn't request this, didn't know about it, and had nothing to do with the content or guidance offered,” said a spokesperson, according to ITV.

According to the Sun, a spokesperson also clarified that “this was a well-intentioned briefing to help a small local community know how to welcome two new residents and help them with any potential encounter.”

Following the birth of their first child, Archie Harrison, Meghan and Harry have sought to give him as private a life as possible. Notably, the Sussexes did not release the names of Archie's godparents, as they are private citizens, and they did not allow the press to document the royal family arriving or leaving his christening. But they have posed for a number of family portraits in recent weeks.– Town and Country Magazine, July 2019

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for Dining in Space

                                         

This is from an article appeared which was first published in 2012 on my personal blog. It is a tribute to all of those pioneering astronauts who inspired people the world over by going to the moon.

One of the classes that my etiquette students enjoy the most, is my class on Manners for Dining in Space.  Students, young and old, enjoy learning all about how astronauts eat now and especially how they ate very early on in space flights. I get to tell them about Alan Bean. He was the fourth man to walk on the moon, but the first man to eat spaghetti on the moon. Two big accomplishments in one trip!

Early foods and beverages, like these for Russian cosmonauts, were in toothpaste-like tubes, as shown in the cosmonaut meals and beverages, above and below. 

                                 
                                 

Ours weren’t much more appetizing, as this “Apollo beverage” shows. It looks like something one would hang on a hamster cage. The cereal below, in what Alan Bean called a “spoon bag” is unappetizing, to say the least. 

                                           
In July of 1969, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin walked on the moon. An amazing event that I can remember watching, like every other person with a television set, in wide-eyed wonder. What an achievement! My older brother was 14 at the time, and like most young boys of the day, was completely fascinated by the astronauts and their adventures into space and on the moon. In 2005, because of my brother's fascination with what we watched on our televisions that July in 1969, I got the rare chance to interview the late-Alan Bean. Bean was a retired USN Captain, former astronaut and one of a small group of American men who walked on the surface of the moon. 

My brother Kevin, has long collected memorabilia of space exploration. When he found out that Bean was an artist, and created beautiful paintings based on his recollections of the moon and space, Kevin decided to buy one of his works of art. Not long after, Bean and most of the remaining living moon-walkers at the time, were going to be in Southern California for an event and invited my brother and his wife to join them all for lunch. My brother was over the moon to be meeting them all in person.

                                   

The late-Alan Bean (l) and my brother Kevin (r), discuss the painting. My brother was ‘over the moon’ to meet heroes from his youth.

About that time, I was researching dining customs and came across an article about eating in zero gravity. The next time my brother and I got together, I mentioned astronaut foods and how they have evolved. He asked, “Would you be interested in talking to an astronaut about what it was like? I can call Alan Bean and ask him if he would let you interview him.” I was thrilled.

                      

One of the handouts I give to students in classes is on dining in zero-gravity. Just in case they ever find themselves in space. 

Alan Bean was charming in a telephone interview with me.  Charming and funny. I asked why being the first man to eat spaghetti on the moon was so important to him. (He said he wanted that achievement on his tombstone when he died.) He said that he had learned when he was in college, that spaghetti was inexpensive to eat, so he ate it every day. He came to love spaghetti, and was thrilled when the NASA nutritionists added spaghetti to the Apollo foods, though he did worry that Neil Armstrong or Buzz Aldrin would beat him to the punch and take it to eat first. Fortunately, they didn’t. But Bean wasn't wild about the taste, and he said it was a brownish color. 

 His favorite Apollo food was the chili and with good reason. Living in zero-gravity dulls one’s taste buds, so spicy food is good to have. He recalled one day “floating by” his space flight mates, and commenting that his shirt was perfectly clean. Their white T-shirts were a mess. They responded, that yes, they were a mess, but that it was chili, and he was the one that was eating chili. Bean said that the “spoon bags” that the chili and spaghetti were in, were a bit difficult. That one had to “eat rather slowly and carefully,” to avoid having bits of food or gravy “shoot out like little bullets” and float around the spacecraft or onto the other astronauts. Their dirty T-shirts were the result of Bean eating his chili so fast! He admitted that if he was still an astronaut today, as they get to take some store bought foods with them into space now, he would bring as many ‘Fritos Scoops’ and cookies as they'd let him bring on board. – By Maura Graber, Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia and Director/Founder of the RSVP Institute of Etiquette 

Manners for Men from 1897

The book, authored by a writer for Vogue, held etiquette truths that both men and women needed to read. On the last page we are told that one of the marks of a gentleman is his complete mastery of himself under the most trying and aggravating circumstances, and furthermore this: “Under great provocation the expletive ‘damn’ is tolerated in society, but it should be whispered and not pronounced aloud.”

But helpful manners, wisely suited to bachelors, filled the 1987 tome: “The public restaurant or dining room is the place for a bachelor supper when ladies are guests. A private room is not proper, and your guests want to see and be seen... All meals in a restaurant, unless organized on the spur of a moment, are ordered beforehand and everything, including the waiter's tip, arranged and settled for. If you have not an account at the restaurant, pay the bill at the time you arrange the menu and reserve the table.” And: “The average man is judged by his appearance and his deportment in public. His dress, his bearing, his conduct toward women and his fellow-men, are telling characteristics. In the street, when walking with a woman—the term ‘lady’ being objectionable, except in case of distinction—every man should be on his mettle. Common sense, which is the basis of all etiquette, teaches him that he should be her protector. Therefore, under general circumstances, his place is on the street or outer side. Should there be a crowd on the inner side, should the walking be muddy or rough, or should there be a building in process of repair, or one or the other of the inconveniences of city life, then the man should take the side which will enable him to shield his fair companion from all annoyance. At night a man offers his arm to a woman. In the daytime etiquette allows this only when the sidewalk is very rough, when there are steps to climb, a crowd to be piloted through, or a street crossing to effect. In any one of these emergencies suggest, ‘I think you will find it better to take my arm.’ A man never walks bodkin—that is, sandwiched between two women.” – from Walter Germain’s, The Complete Bachelor: Manners for Men

Review of “The Complete Bachelor”, By the author of the “As Seen by Him Papers.” D. Appleton & Co., New York, Price $1.25

The author gives as a reason for this little book, that while he was conducting the query department in Vogue, he received letters from all parts of the United States asking for information on certain details of etiquette which seem to have been overlooked by the writers of etiquette manuals, and these correspondents wanted the questions answered from the New York standpoint. 

Herein the bachelor is warned against the faults which will make him “impossible” in society. On the last page we are told that one of the marks of a gentleman is his complete mastery of himself under the most trying and aggravating circumstances, and furthermore this: “Under great provocation the expletive ‘damn’ is tolerated in society, but it should be whispered and not pronounced aloud.” – San Francisco Call, 1897

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

More Table Etiquette Explained

“A visitor, who was sitting on the right of the host was seemingly very fond of the entree (mushroom timbales) and remarked that she preferred these lighter dishes to the more heavy roasts, whereupon the host asked the waitress to serve her with another timbale. The waitress, knowing there were no more in reserve, endeavored to appear as though she had forgotten the order. The man of the house, however, did not let the matter rest, but in rather a pompous fashion, again ordered the extra serving. He was much embarrassed when told that there were no more. The rule is a pretty safe one to follow, that as long as the mistress orders the meals and knows what is in the house, it is her prerogative to take the lead in such matters.” – Photo of a Mushroom Timbale from Pinterest

If the waitress is well trained, it is but rarely that she need be spoken to, as it is her affair to watch out if the water or butter or anything else is needed by anyone at the table. It is a pretty definite rule that no guest should ask the waitress for anything, but should address any such request to her hostess. An exception might be made to this rule in case such request would cause embarrassment; for instance, the waitress might have forgotten to place an extra knife or to pour any water; In this case it would then be all right to just whisper to the waitress as she passed near by rather than to call attention to the fact before the whole table. It is conceded that the mistress, not the man, of the house must give all commands and orders to the maid; otherwise, it might cause embarrassment, and misunderstanding. 

As an example, I recall an experience at a dinner at which X was a guest: A visitor, who was sitting on the right of the host was seemingly very fond of the entree (mushroom timbales) and remarked that she preferred these lighter dishes to the more heavy roasts, whereupon the host asked the waitress to serve her with another timbale. The waitress, knowing there were no more in reserve, endeavored to appear as though she had forgotten the order. The man of the house, however, did not let the matter rest, but in rather a pompous fashion, again ordered the extra serving. He was much embarrassed when told that there were no more. The rule is a pretty safe one to follow, that as long as the mistress orders the meals and knows what is in the house, it is her prerogative to take the lead in such matters. 

In houses where napkin rings are used, for family and house guests, napkins should be kept neat and folded and rolled into the ring at the end of the meal. It is usual for the guest at only one meal to place the napkin on the table without folding it. It is a nice custom for the waitress to stand back of and pull out the chair of the mistress of the house, but in some families where there are young sons it is well for them to be trained in this act of courtesy. If there is a woman guest, it is optional whether the waitress should do this or the host. I have been a frequent visitor in a charming home where there are five sons, and have been so interested in watching their little imitations of father’s table manners and small courtesies. Each son, in turn, was taught to pull out the chair for mother and render other small courtesies such as are the hall-mark of good home training. 

The boys and girls returning from boarding school are very apt to bring back with them table manners that are apparently necessary in dealing with a large group, one of them being the habit of holding the sugar bowl or salt-cellar in the hand while serving themselves. This should never be permitted in a private home, and this applies to any dish of any kind. Children away at school are very apt to be critical of the food they receive, and the habit often returns home with them. Any unfavorable comment on food at the table is, of course, not good form. Dinner table conversation should be interesting, avoiding any but the lightest discussion of serious subjects. If children are taught correct dinner table conversation and the simplest rules of table etiquette they, and their parents, will be saved many embarrassing moments. – By Florence Austin Chase, 1929

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Table Etiquette Explained

If salt is liked with celery or radishes, it should be placed on the bread and butter plate and the relish dipped in it as needed.– Photo source Instagram

There seems to be quite a difference of opinion as to the proper forms of etiquette for the table. Simplicity and the thing that seems easiest to do should be the guiding rule, but some customs have become fixed and are generally accepted in all civilized countries; therefore, it would seem wise to accept them, even though in some ways they may seem cumbersome. It is always correct to serve on the left of the diner because it is the only comfortable way for the right-handed person. It is the custom as well to remove dishes from the left side rather than from the right, which might seem easier. It has become so subconsciously grounded in everyone’s mind that the removing of plates is done always on the left side, that any divergence from this is bound to bring about collision with the right hand of the diner. 

The question is often asked how to remove fish bones and the pits of fruit from the mouth gracefully. It seems to me the most inconspicuous way is to push the bone or stone well forward with the tongue and gently remove it with the forefinger and thumb to the side of the plate. Prune pits and melon seeds naturally slip into the spoon held very close to the lips and are then placed noiselessly on the edge of the plate. The bread and butter plates are placed on the left of the large plate forward. If salt is liked with celery or radishes, it should be placed on the bread and butter plate and the relish dipped in it as needed. In case a salad is served with the main course, that is placed on the left also, but on a line with the larger plate. All beverages, are, of course, placed on the right. 

When the man of the house is doing the carving on the table and there is no maid to serve, it would seem easier to have the vegetables placed before the mistress. In many homes, the man of the house serves both meat and vegetables. This is, however, a matter of convenience and taste. If there is a maid and carving is done on the table, the hot plates are placed before the carver and the meat is served, the first going to the mistress of the house and the next to the guest of honor. When all the meat is served, the waitress will pass the vegetables, beginning with the hostess, the idea being that the hostess is the one who gives the signal to begin to eat. We used to be taught as children that it was bad form to begin eating the meat until all the vegetables were served, but this has been done away with by a good many people who prefer to eat their meat while it is hot rather than to wait until all the vegetables have been passed. But in all instances, the hostess gives the signal to begin to eat.  – By Florence Austin Chase, 1929

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Teacher Fired Over Table Manners

Ate with His Knife — Picked Teeth with a Fork — Charge is Made

Proprietor of School Declares Table Manners of Teacher Confounded Etiquette

LOS ANGELES, June 15.—Because it is claimed he ate with a knife and picked teeth with a fork and was disloyal to the school, it was alleged by T. O. Adams, proprietor of the Yale English and Classical School, that Homer Scott, an Instructor in the school, should not collect $150.00 due him on a contract as teacher. The case was heard by Justice Reeves yesterday. 

Many boys were brought into court as witnesses to prove that Mr. Scott was not properly qualified as an Instructor. Scott alleged he was discharged before the end of the term and under the terms of his contract, the money for his services for the entire term of school was due. The case was taken under advisement. — Chico Record, June 1912

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Showing Courtesy to Wheelchair Users

If conversation lasts more than a few minutes, consider sitting down or kneeling to get yourself on the same level as the wheelchair user. 

The Schoitz Medical Center in Waterloo, lowa, prepared a pamphlet titled, “What do I do when I meet a person in a wheelchair?” It offers suggestions for non-wheelchair users who encounter wheelchair users. Below are the 12 guidelines from that booklet: 

1. Always ask the wheelchair user if he or she would like assistance before you help. Your help may not be needed or wanted. 

2. Don’t hang or lean on a person’s wheelchair because it is part of the wheelchair user’s personal body space. 

3. Speak directly to the person in the wheelchair, not to someone nearby as if the wheelchair user did not exist. 

4. If conversation lasts more than a few minutes, consider sitting down or kneeling to get yourself on the same level as the wheelchair user. 

5. Don’t demean or patronize the wheelchair user by patting him or her on the head. 

6. Give clear directions, including distance, weather conditions and physical obstacles that may hinder the wheelchair user’s travel. 

7. Don’t discourage children from asking questions about the wheelchair. Open communication helps overcome fearful or misleading attitudes.

8. When a wheelchair user “transfers” out of the wheelchair to a chair, toilet, car or bed, do not move the wheelchair out of reaching distance. 

9. It is OK to use expressions like “running along” when speaking to the wheelchair user. It is likely the wheelchair user expresses things the same way. 

10. Be aware of a wheelchair user’s capabilities. Some users can walk with aid and use wheelchairs because they can conserve energy and move about quickly. 

11. Don’t classify persons who use wheelchairs as “sick.” Wheelchairs are used for a variety of non-contagious disabilities. 

12. Don’t assume that using a wheelchair is in itself a tragedy. It is a means of freedom that allows the user to move about independently.      – From the Schoitz Medical Center in Waterloo, lowa, 1984

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Traditional Bridal Shower Etiquette

There are many kinds of  “showers,” as many as the ingenuity and financial resources of friends may admit of. When, however, any one bride is to be made the object of a series of such attentions, it is well for the girl's friends who have the matter in hand to see to it that no one person is invited to more than one “shower,” or, if so invited, that it be at her own request and because she wishes to make several gifts to her friend. These affairs should be purely spontaneous and informal, and occasions of much fun and jollity. Nevertheless, there is danger of overdoing the idea, and making the recipient feel burdened rather than gratified by the zeal of her friends in her behalf. 

Types and Themes of Bridal Showers

The bestowal of engagement presents has of late years taken on a wholesale aspect. Instead of the occasional receipt of a present from one or another of her friends and relatives, the bride-elect is often now the guest of honor at one or more parties called “showers,” and the recipient of numerous gifts which are literally showered upon her. There are many kinds of  “showers,” as many as the ingenuity and financial resources of friends may admit of. When, however, any one bride is to be made the object of a series of such attentions, it is well for the girl's friends who have the matter in hand to see to it that no one person is invited to more than one “shower,” or, if so invited, that it be at her own request and because she wishes to make several gifts to her friend. These affairs should be purely spontaneous and informal, and occasions of much fun and jollity. Nevertheless, there is danger of overdoing the idea, and making the recipient feel burdened rather than gratified by the zeal of her friends in her behalf.

Effort should be made not to have the articles given at a “shower,” duplicate each other. They should be some simple, useful gifts, which will be of immediate service, and need not be either expensive or especially durable, unless the giver so desires. A “shower” is usually given when a wedding is in prospect, and the necessity of stocking up the new home confronts the young home-makers. The aim is to take a kindly interest in the new home and help to fit it out, more in the way of suggestion than in any extravagant way, which would make the recipients feel embarrassed or indebted, or overload them with semi-desirable gifts.

The “shower,” is usually in the afternoon, and is joined in almost exclusively by the girl friends of the bride-elect, with perhaps a few of her older women friends and relatives. If, however, it comes in the evening, the men of the bridal party are usually also invited. The refreshments are simple and the style of entertainment informal. The invitations to a “shower,” are usually given by the hostess verbally, or she sends her cards by post with the words "Linen shower for Miss Hanley on Wednesday at four."

There is a wide range of possible kinds of  “showers,” but the only rational way is to choose for a donation party of this sort only such objects as will be needed in quantity and variety, and in the choice of which one has not too strong and distinctive taste, as, for instance, the following: Linen, towels, glass, books, fancy china, silver, spoons, aprons, etc. Of course, the furnishings of some one room, as the bath-room, laundry, or kitchen, might be the subject of a “shower,” but usually a housewife would prefer to have what she wanted and nothing else for use in these places. – Edith Ordway, 1913

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette, Fox-Hunts and First Ladies

Jacqueline Kennedy was arguably one of the most glamorous of Presidents’ wives in the history of the United States. The humorous tone of the article could never be taken again with regard to security of First Family members, after John F. Kennedy’s unimaginable assassination in 1963. 

Mrs. Kennedy’s Fox-Hunts Could Present Problems For Secret Service

If the future First Lady, Mrs. Jacqueline Kennedy, is serious about riding to hounds with the fox hunters of Virginia after she recovers from the birth of her second child, it could produce some interesting possibilities. After the inauguration. Mrs. Kennedy will be accompanied wherever she goes by Secret Service agents. This raises the intriguing possibility of Secret Service Chief U.E. Baughman having to go before the House Appropriations Committee to ask money for proper hunting attire, horses and possibly some instruction on the elaborate etiquette of the Virginia hunt country. Wall there be a horse for the pool photographers, another for press association reporters? Will the Secret Service equip their horses with short-wave radios? Or just imagine the plight of the agent who must write a detailed report on the movement of each member of the Presidential family. These reports are masterpieces of understatement and police blotters. Come springtime, Chief Baughman might find himself reading something like this:

“From Agent Black to supervising agent in charge; 5-15-01 departed house with First Lady by motor for Golden Acres Farm at 2 p. m. Destination meeting place of Orange County hunt. Arrived farm 2:18 p.m. “First Lady rode own mount on Undesigned borrowed horse named Lightning. First Lady and horse jumped stone fences at 2 34. 2:45 and 2:57 p. m. (Locations A. B. and C. in attached diagram). Just after passing position C. Undersigned detected unidentified animal (four-footed, rushing at First Lady’s horse. Perceived animal to be a skunk and disposed of same with revolver, caliber .38 serial 234516. Identification of animal defective. Informed by other hunt participants it was fox. 

“Hunt participants spoke at some length on this subject. En route back to staging area, Golden Acres Farm, horse assigned to Undersigned attempted to jump stone fence, position A. without authority, causing Undersigned to detach himself unexpectedly. First lady returned home accompanied by another agent while Undersigned taken to Orange County (Va.) hospital to have leg left, set and placed in cast. Attached documents: (1) Request for sick leave. (2) Request for transfer.” – From “Washington Backstairs with the President-elect” By White House Reporter, Merriman Smith, 1960

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Etiquette of the Bicycle Costume

The bicycle has done more for the cause of legitimate dress reform than any other single agent. – By Rose Talbot Bullard, M.D., 1895

There is no more difficult task presented to the physician and hygienist than that of providing a pleasant, convenient and healthful outdoor exercise for women. The bicycle pre-eminently fulfills all requirements. It is the duty of every wheel-woman to so attire and conduct herself, as to make this invaluable exercise all that the most modest could wish. Costumes may be classed as follows: Knickerbockers, bloomers, short skirts and divided skirts. The essentials are comfort, appropriateness, inconspicuousness and gracefulness. The appearance when off the wheel must be considered, as well as when mounted. The first essential of comfort lies in the underwear. The union suits are especially desirable. Corsets should never be worn. The accessories — hats, shoes, gloves and leggings, should harmonize with the costume.

The knickerbocker allows greatest freedom, but is entirely too conspicuous to receive our endorsement. The bloomer fulfills the indication of comfort and is appropriate; for an exercise involving free motion may be best carried out if the legs are so clothed as to be independent of each other. However, they are conspicuous and very ungraceful. We may, in time, arrived at a modified bloomer, but are not yet ready to adopt them for city riding. The short skirt, coming just below the knee, is open to like objection. But there are costumes which comprise all our qualifications. They are the three-quarter skirt and the divided skirt with the division concealed. They should clear the ground from four to seven inches.

The divided skirt offers some advantages; under this the equestrian skirts or knickerbockers should be worn. The division is concealed in front by the front width which is fastened to each leg in the back by the way, the plaits are arranged. On the wheel, the skirt is always evenly divided; the leg need only lift its half of the weight of the skirt, and, finally, when off the wheel it looks like any other skirt. It is an ideal business or rainy day dress, and, in fact, is very suitable for ordinary street wear as it is lighter, does not serve as a street-cleaner and precludes the necessity of in discriminate lifting of skirts. The bicycle has done more for the cause of legitimate dress reform than any other single agent. – By Rose Talbot Bullard, M.D. Los Angeles, California – Extracts from a paper read before the Woman's Parliament, October 8, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia