Politically Correct vs Polite Etiquette

The usual defense by those who express nastiness is that they are being frank and honest about what they think. As indeed they are. But that does not make their spoken opinions any less nasty.

Miss Manners: What's the difference between politically incorrect and rude?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the light of rude comments made by political candidates under the guise of not being politically correct, could you please explain how to be polite without being politically correct?

GENTLE READER: Good question. As modern usage of the term "politically correct" has meant refraining from delivering wholesale insults to groups of people, that would be difficult.

The usual defense by those who express nastiness is that they are being frank and honest about what they think. As indeed they are. But that does not make their spoken opinions any less nasty.

When much of the public stopped tolerating hate talk, Miss Manners was thrilled. It became her favorite counterexample to those who believe that etiquette has steadily deteriorated since the days of King Arthur or at least their own vaguely remembered childhoods.

But now this tremendous advance is being threatened by both detractors and supporters of political correctness.

Those who scorn the term declare that political correctness is a danger to our constitutional right to free speech, which Miss Manners, like all Americans, holds sacred. No, it is not. Surely you have noticed that lots of people are exercising their legal right to spew obnoxious thoughts, and there are no legal reprisals. Etiquette relies on voluntary compliance.

True, there are social reprisals. Those who seize their right to be offensive should not be shocked that others take offense.

But name-calling is not conducive to debate. All serious arenas of conflict — legislatures, courtrooms, athletic contests — have rules against this. That is necessary because holding opposing goals and debating actual issues require treating opponents with respect.

Yet even that has been perverted by some of the proponents of political correctness. An aggressive form of what calls itself sensitivity — and yet attacks people for perceived slights when clearly none were intended — is, itself, insensitive to the point of rudeness.

Miss Manners is particularly discouraged when such people try to extend the ban on bigotry to cover topics they might find upsetting, even for reasons of private experience. This would reduce meaningful discourse to universally approved issues, presuming that such things existed.

What these critics and proponents of political correctness have in common, besides an ugly presumption of ill-will in others, is an inability to imagine, much less strive for, a civilized society in which sincerely held differences can be safely aired.

The resulting confusion is that many people deplore political correctness when they only mean to declare that they support the principle of free speech and dislike arrogance disguised as sensitivity.

That blanket condemnation puts them in the position of defending cruelty, vulgarity and bigotry. So she suggests that everyone take a look at the content of what is said in the name of eschewing political correctness — is it expressing something nasty? — and judge political candidates accordingly. – By Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, United Feature Syndicate, February, 2016

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for Hugging

“It certainly feels good to hug someone you love, and based on research on the health benefits of touch (Gallace & Spence, 2010), it should also provide a boost to your immune system. Hugging, of course, takes place in many situations, from greetings and goodbyes to funeral condolences and congratulations to college grads.” – Psychology Today, 2016

In 1987, the city of Tustin in California offered a “Hugging Workshop” which offered hugging how to hug, hug etiquette and a diploma for those who attended the workshop.: “Hugging Workshop The City of Tustin is offering a Hugging Workshop March 11. Come learn the facts about hugging and how to be a hug therapist. This workshop will include hug demonstrations, proper hug etiquette, as well as class participation. Psychologists suggest this daily hug prescription: four hugs for survival, eight hugs for maintenance and twelve hugs for growth. Don't miss this unique opportunity to have your hug prescription filled and to become an alumni of HUG-U, complete with your diploma!” – Tustin News, 1987

Clearly, we could use some guidelines to help us determine when to hug and when to shake hands, or whether to avoid any touching whatsoever. These seven empirically-based rules will help you avoid the embarrassment, or worse, from a poorly-timed or unwelcome hug.

1. Try to gauge the other person’s signals. Some people automatically hug without giving it a second thought. If you’re an over-hugger, you need to pause before you lunge to test out the other person’s body language. If he or she is standing straight as a board and shows no signs of bending toward you, either let the other person initiate the hug, or if you must touch, hold out your hand.
2. Decide who might like to hug, but would find your hug to be offensive. In a study of attitudes toward touch among cross-sex friendships, Miller et al. (2014) found that women who were not in a heterosexual relationship tended not to want to be hugged by men. You might seem to be trying to make a move on a person you’re considering hugging if she’s unattached. Age may also play a factor .
3. Figure out the best way to hug. A team of European researchers headed by Isac Sehlstedt (2016) found that older adults gave higher ratings to touch than did younger adults. They responded more affirmatively to such questions as “I am easily bothered if someone I do not know hugs me.” However, they did not seem to be more likely to initiate hugs, based on their response to the statement, “I usually seek physical contact with other people.” Older adults particularly seemed to like what’s called “CT touch” that is slow and gentle—some refer to CT as social/affective touch. It is most likely what you will feel when someone gives you a warm and gentle hug. If you’re going to hug someone, then, the chances are someone older will better receive your hug than someone younger, and it should be gentle (i.e., not a “bear hug”). However, don’t assume that just because someone is an older adult that they will welcome the hug, as cultural and other social factors might make that hug seem ill-timed.
4. Look at what other people are doing in the situation. A graduation hug may be one that’s repeated 50 times by everyone going through the ceremony. Or you might be in the receiving line at a wedding reception, funeral, or other highly-charged emotional events. If you’re the first person going through the line, then follow the first rule above. But if you’re in the middle of the pack, you should have plenty of data to help you know the right way to behave.
5. Be careful when hugging someone at work.Given the growing concern about sexual harassment cases, it’s wise to stay away from hugging as a way to show you care about your colleagues. For the most part, you should err on the side of not hugging, even if you think it would be welcomed by someone you believe you know reasonably well. It’s best to leave hugging for special occasions such as when someone leaves the company or retires, but again, only if it seems acceptable in the context of your workplace.
6. Know when a “safe haven” hug is called for. A hug may help someone who’s emotionally hurting, in which case it is much like the hug a parent would give a small child. The term “safe haven” refers to the ability of a hug to make someone feel cared for and understood. This hug may be longer and is best to offer to someone you know reasonably well.
7. Be prepared to reciprocate a hug offered to you. Perhaps you’re not a huggy type, but others around you are. If you don’t hug back, you’ll be perceived as unfriendly and standoffish. If you’re truly bothered by hugging, are afraid of catching someone else’s germs, or the other person is sweaty or a little smelly, figure out a nice way to edge out of it. As they move in toward you, turn your body to the side, extend your hand for a shake or stiffen up a bit and try to avoid contact. If this happens repeatedly, you might say, "As you might have noticed, I’m not much of a hugger.” They may appreciate that bit of honesty as much as an actual reciprocated hug. – From “7 Basic Rules for Hugging” in Psychology Today, 2016

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Romeos and Juliets

“The smitten youth finally conformed with etiquette and approached the banker with the subject of accepting him as a son-in-law. He was met with a point blank refusal…” –  I’m sure it’s safe to say that romantic pairings have often been considered “unsuitable” to parents of one or both sides of a couple, since humans started pairing up and settling down, so many, many centuries back in time. Above, the lovely Peggy Scott and her handsome beaux, Dr. Kirkland, picnicking at Newport in  HBO’s series, “The Gilded Age.” Their blooming romance is seemingly about to get rocky due to parental interference. Image source, Pinterest.

A Romeo–esque Romance

 The nephew of one of the most eminent physicians New York ever had, says a New York correspondent, fell in love at Newport two summers ago with the only daughter of a banker of this city. Very wealthy and coming under the head of “leading citizens.” As is sometimes the case the object of his affections reciprocated and in six; weeks it was all arranged, at least as far as the two happy mortals were concerned. 

The smitten youth finally conformed with etiquette and approached the banker with the subject of accepting him as a son-in-law. He was met with a point blank refusal, and, additionally was forbidden ever to enter the house again. Romeo and Juliet had a consultation, and decided to become husband and wife, though the heavens should fall. Papa heard of this determination on the part of the lovers and forthwith, without any ceremony turned his daughter out of the house.

Without any of her money, save what she had on her person, the young lady repaired to the residence of her aunt, who received her with outstretched arms, and preparations for the wedding were hurried night and day. The estimable aunt provided her niece with a fine trousseau and last week the wedding occurred. This is the prevalent scandal, and in this case it is strictly true. Truth is, indeed, stranger than fiction, and did the course of true love ever run smooth? – Feather River Bulletin, 1874

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

A Gilded Age Coveted Degree

French style and fashion from 1895

What Is Style?

What we call style is almost precisely synonymous with what the French call “chic.” Either word means much or little, anything and everything; is definite to the mind and indefinable to the tongue. No one expects to find what is chic outside of Paris. No New Yorker, at least, expects to find style much beyond the fifty-mile radius with Central Park as a center. What the Parisienne is to the Old World the Manhattanese is to the New. 

The latter is rarely born where she makes her home. She comes from every part of the republic, from North, South, East and West, from city, village and hamlet, to the great municipal school of art, fashion, manners, and receives there the coveted degree M.S., Mistress of Style. So, if she reflects luster upon herself she reflects luster in a way on the whole country, showing what anyAmerican may become under properly plastic agencies and in aiming at her own. 

The mistress of style must be, in regard to the multitude, as one in a hundred: but she is a familiar figure in every cultured household, and a creature to be esteemed, to be admired, to be patterned after. She is not only the woman of the present, she is the woman of the future as well, for the future cannot eclipse her.— Harper's Bazaar, 1895

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Arranging Introductions

 

It is more difficult to judge of others who, quiet and reserved, reveal but little of themselves at first. The whole arrangement, in fact, bristles with difficulties and much courage is needed to undertake it. So many good old families are poor nowadays, and millionaires have raised the standard of living to so high and costly a level, that there is no lack of ladies who venture upon the arduous task of chaperonage. – photo source, Pinterest

It is now a very usual thing for ladies of position in British society to receive girls into their houses and introduce them to their friends. It is a commercial transaction, and the terms, as a rule, are high. One lady of rank charges ten guineas a week. Another requires £1000 for the season. All are most particular about the girl being presentable, possessing good credentials, and dressing well. In the first interview a very critical investigation is made. 

Manner, speech, gesture and bearing are all taken into consideration. “Can I introduce her as a friend to my friends?” is the question in the mind of the chaperon. The impossible girl is soon disposed of. It is more difficult to judge of others who, quiet and reserved, reveal but little of themselves at first. The whole arrangement, in fact, bristles with difficulties and much courage is needed to undertake it. So many good old families are poor nowadays, and millionaires have raised the standard of living to so high and costly a level, that there is no lack of ladies who venture upon the arduous task of chaperonage.

Those who are inexperienced in the matter usually make the mistake of not settling all details before the chaperonage begins. Terms and what they include should all be put down in black and white. The question as to who shall pay for carriages, cabs, railway fares, seats at theatres, etc... ought to be preliminarily settled. Otherwise there may be disagreeable differences of opinion, always most carefully to be avoided. Sometimes the chaperon promises more than she afterwards finds she can perform. 

Invitations to dances, for instance, are not easy to get for a strange girl. Then, if the hostess’ daughter receives one and accepts it, the girl-guest may possibly feel aggrieved. A bright, pleasant girl will soon make her way, but there are heavy, uninteresting girls who hang on hand and seem to desire everything to be done for them in the matter of their social success. They expect to receive it without having exerted themselves to earn it. — From Etiquette for Every Day, by Mrs. Humphry, 1902

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Etiquette in Public

Though the fashionable manner inclines to a rather marked decisiveness and the fashionable voice to loudness, even harshness, there is a quiet self-possession about the gentlewoman, whether young or old, that marks her out from women of a lower class, whose manner is florid.

“In the Street”

A gentle-woman is known by her quiet self-possession. Self-effacement in the street is the rule of good manners as imperative in the street as it is in as in Society. One can almost invariably distinguish the well-bred girl at the first glance, whether she is walking, shopping, in an omnibus, descending from a carriage or a cab, or sauntering up or down in the Park. 

Though the fashionable manner inclines to a rather marked decisiveness and the fashionable voice to loudness, even harshness, there is a quiet self-possession about the gentlewoman, whether young or old, that marks her out from women of a lower class, whose manner is florid. This is perhaps the best word to describe the lively gestures, the notice-attracting glance and the self-conscious air of the underbred, who continually appear to wish to impress their personality upon all they meet. 

The well-bred woman goes quietly along, intent on her own business and regardless of the rest of the world, except in so far as to keep from intruding upon their personal rights. This is another test of the well-bred woman. A delicate sense of self-respect keeps her from contact with her neighbour in train or tramcar or omnibus, so for as such contact may be avoidable. The woman of the lower classes may spread her arms, lean up against her neighbour, or in other ways behave with a disagreeable familiarity; the gentlewoman never.

There was a good old rule of manners that forbade a lady to look back after any one in the street, or to turn and stare at any one in church, opera, theatre, or concert room. These good old rules seem fast to be becoming obsolete; or so one might suppose from the frequency with which they are disregarded. — Manners for Women, by Mrs. Humphry, “Madge of Truth”, 1897

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette: The Right Tools

Etiquette is Akin to 
Using the Right Tool

When I was a child, many of my dad’s irritations came about when we kids didn’t use the right tool… a knife for a screwdriver, the handle of anything as a hammer, pliers as a wrench, trimming scissors to cut cardboard… on and on.  It was hard for me, as expediency too often overrode the lesson.  But experience teaches us that using a right tool for a particular task is necessary in advancing a person’s know how and can-do practical knowledge through practice.

Using etiquette-ful practices and guidelines when interacting with other people is akin to selecting and using the right tool.  When you accept that there are right tools for particular tasks, you accept that situationally, contextually, and relationally when we use our etiquette skills, interacting with others hones purpose and helps you gracefully communicate.

How to Know You’re Using the Right Tool

• The etiquette framework fosters effective and respectful communication between individuals. 
• Employing the norms for appropriate language, tone and behavior creates environments of respect, where people can be comfortable being themselves.
• Having learned the social rules of getting along is noticed and appreciated by others and contributes to relationship building.
• Professionally, etiquette-fulness is vital in building a person’s relationships with clients and colleagues, and it is an outward sign of professionalism and reliability.
• When tension or conflict arise, etiquette calms and guides persons back to the basics of listening with care, being constructive and positive, and seeking win-win outcomes. 

Becoming etiquette-ful is purposely chosen. It takes will power to harness the self and develop proficiency in navigating social situations.  Like tool use, we can learn through practice to employ guidelines and understandings that make us more sensitive to the needs of others and to what is needed in social and professional contexts that benefit not only others but ourselves as well. 

This is because when a person decides to learn and employ the specific skills of respectful behavior, the mindset brings benefits of surprise and pleasure as you become more adaptable, friendly, and positive. 

Honesty and right intentions build in the habit of reflection and the willingness to grow and change.  Friendships are cultivated and warmed through the ongoing practice of mutual effort as friends invest their time, energy, and care.  This happens in the context of learning the practices of etiquette.

Practice Using Your Etiquette Tools

• Listen actively and seek to understand another person’s perspectives and concerns.
• Employ your knowledge of good eye contact, engaging facial expressions and open body language.
• Avoid interrupting and speak your mind clearly and concisely with language that is polite and respectful. 
• Be a questioner, using open-ended questions that engage the other person to share their thoughts more fully.
• Regardless of how the conversation goes, always look for mutual understanding.
• Put your empathy to work and acknowledge the other person’s situation or point of view.
• Keep your purpose in attending an event or meeting in mind, realizing that others are there for reasons, too. 
• Stay focused.  If your mind begins to wander, you might summarize what the other person has said. This has the added benefit of others being drawn back into attention.

As my father taught me, proper tool use requires an attitude of respect for the tool and respect for the desired outcome.  And remember that kindness to yourself, the learner, is necessary in advancing your skills in the use of any 

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Gilded Age Etiquette and the Curtsey

The lady who favoured our Queen and her family with affable little nods and warmly shook hands with the Sovereign at one famous Drawing-Room is not yet forgotten, and has been the cause of many a hearty laugh. Another, the heel of whose shoe caught in her skirts, and who could not get up after her curtsey, and had to be carried from the Presence Chamber after the fashion of the old game of “Honey pots,” caused etiquette to be forgotten at the strictest Court in the world, a broad smile appearing on the Queen's own face, while the young Princesses tittered irrepressibly, and the Princess of Wales bit her pretty lips.

“The old-fashioned curtsey”

GIRLS are never taught to curtsey now, as they used to be. A real, old-fashioned “courtesy,” as it used to be spelled, is quite an elaborate performance. First, you draw back the right foot, getting it straight behind the other, and down you go, as far as the suppleness of your limbs will permit, coming up to the “recover” with all the weight on the right foot, and the left pointed out most daintily.

A curtsey is about the only thing in the world that is helped out by the high-heeled shoe. The only trace of this old-fashioned and very graceful bit of deportment is the deep reverence made by the ladies at Her Majesty’s Drawing- Rooms. Some of them perform it with practiced aplomb. Others never achieve it. There is a very pretty young Princess who plumps down with an alarming suddenness that always makes the Royal circle covertly smile.

Even when making the ordinary “bob” to Royalty on less ceremonious occasions, this lovely girl strikes her heel against the floor with a bump that seems to have arrived straight from the maddest moment of a merry breakdown. A well-known infinite grace, repeating it before the various members of the Royal circle at Drawing-Rooms, that the Queen's eyes invariably follow her with a glance of pleased approbation. A handsome countess of regal appearance makes a very imposing obeisance, but it is too stiff to be really graceful.

Among the numerous Americans presented, some carry themselves into the presence of Royalty with a truly republican air of equality and fraternity, contenting themselves with bowing to the Queen, as they would to their hostess of an afternoon reception. Others who have studied the matter more deeply, sink low with a willowy grace, just brushing with their lips the plump little white hand extended to them, then rising with a slightly backward movement that seems to accept dismissal and tacitly to disclaim any desire to unnecessary intrusion. “Quite theatrical!” said a very plump dowager of such a performance. Every one else had admired it. But perhaps the consciousness of an over-allowance of adipose tissue and blooming plumptitude, had rendered the dear lady inappreciative of slender grace and languorous ease in others.

The Queen is a lover of beauty, and a keen judge of it, both in form and face. The débutante whose appearance evokes a word of pleased comment from Her Majesty is always safe to be one of the beauties of her first season. And the Royal memory for faces is an excellent one. Any one who has had an opportunity of seeing the Queen walk through the lane of guests at a Royal garden party, Royal concert, or at any public function, will remember the glances cast from side to side, noting every face, keenly alive and discerning, awake to every circumstance and incident.

When listening to addresses or long speeches an expression of weariness, sometimes amounting to indifference and even apathy, occasionally settles down on the Royal countenance. Oh, those long addresses! How many years of Her Majesty’s life would be totaled up if the bad quarters of an hour spent in hearing addresses were laid end to end and make up into one huge sum of patient endurance? But when face to face with her people the Queen is full of quick perception. So beauty and grace do not go unrecognised at our Court of England. Nor do less agreeable characteristics.

The lady who favoured our Queen and her family with affable little nods and warmly shook hands with the Sovereign at one famous Drawing-Room is not yet forgotten, and has been the cause of many a hearty laugh. Another, the heel of whose shoe caught in her skirts, and who could not get up after her curtsey, and had to be carried from the Presence Chamber after the fashion of the old game of “Honey pots,” caused etiquette to be forgotten at the strictest Court in the world, a broad smile appearing on the Queen's own face, while the young Princesses tittered irrepressibly, and the Princess of Wales bit her pretty lips. The Prince looked as if he longed to give one of his great guffaws. Another memorable lady lost part of her bodice, and had to retire hastily in much confusion, wrapping herself in her train. All these incidents are remembered and credited to the correct names by one whose mind is not so much “ta’en up wi’ the things o’ the State,” as not to reserve a shelf for minor matters.

The Royal disapprobation of cosmetics, hair-dyes, and other forms of insincerity in personal appearance is not veiled in any way. To the application, or misapplication, of rouge society has become hardened, but when it is plastered on in quantities that defeat the very object of deception, for which it is used, a little open for which it is used, a little open comment from those in high places has worked wonders in reducing the evil. The cosmetic epidemic comes and goes like Bob Acres’ courage, but, unlike it, will never wholly disappear. — Manners for Women, by Mrs. Humphry, “Madge of Truth”, 1897

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia