Poise and Avoiding Slips in Etiquette

Giggling at compliments? So embarrassing! Be clever and exhibit poise.

Be Clever and Avoid Such Etiquette Slips

So embarrassing! You looked so sophisticated and charming to the vacation crowd. Then you got a compliment and fell all over yourself.

But compliments, like everything else in social life, are just a matter of etiquette.

If you receive them with a titter and an, “Aw, you don't mean that.” you betray a sad lack of manners.

But if you smile graciously, say, “You’re nice to say so.” you show poise and breeding. And how it helps to have a reputation for perfect manners! 

Invitations a-plenty for the girl who knows enough not to rise when she’s introduced to men: who says good-bye to the sponsors at a dance; who to an apology, says a quiet, “It doesn’t matter.” And so few invitations come to girls who don’t.

Know what's expected of you- at dances, dinners, motoring – all occasions. – The Santa Ana Journal, Home Service, 1937

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Vacation Etiquette of 1937

Should you or shouldn't you smile on the stranger who wants to talk to you?

New Questions Rise in Vacation Etiquette: Can You Answer Them?

How you'd hate to give the wrong impression to the hotel guests! Should you or shouldn't you smile on the stranger who wants to talk to you?

Yes, if he's a fellow-guest. Be your most charming, but impersonal, self. Then, if he's not to your liking, it’s easy to remember you ‘have a date elsewhere.’

On trains, too, you can talk to strangers if you wish. But you don't rush to give your name. Or get confidential about your latest beau. Or, leap to accept any dining-car bids.

Nor do you ever get so informal in the midst of vacation fun that you hop out of cars before your escort— or cling to his arm at movies or on the boardwalk— anymore than you would in town.

It’s such a help to your good times if you know these simple rules on every-day etiquette. — The Santa Ana Journal, Home Service, 1937

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

On Charm Not “Being Enough”

Planning one’s appropriate weekend getaway clothing to pack is one of many subjects covered in etiquette and charm school books of the 1950’s and 1960’s

On one’s charm and manners– Four points to round off the whole

1. GROOMING, MAKE-UP AND HAIR-DOS. 

Never be casual about personal grooming, however casual the outfit and the occasion. The fashion model photographed in sports wear has paid as much attention to her make-up, hair-do, accessories and general tidiness as if she were wearing full evening dress. Nevertheless, for casual occasions, keep in mind that anything elaborate will be out of place.

2. HATS. 

If you belong to the hatless brigade, this is all right up to a point. More and more women wear less and less hats-and this is an accepted trend, but a hat for a church service, or for a wedding, is still considered a 'must'.

3. SPECIAL CEREMONIES, ACCEPTING AWARDS, ETC…

Find out well ahead everything to do with your part, particularly about the moment of receiving a prize or an award. Are you to curtsy, bob, or just shake hands? Will there be a platform to negotiate? Get information ahead about suitable outfits, especially as to whether you should, or should not, wear hat and gloves. Your preparation in all these little matters, your 'visualization' ahead of the event, will help to ensure your confidence in what, after all, is likely to be a conspicuous moment in your life.

4. GIVE AND TAKE. 

Of course you expect to enjoy yourself enormously during all your leisure activities. If by now you have trained yourself to be observant, I hope that you would be quick to spot the odd person who may look a little out of things-and that you would feel it your job to do something about her or him. – From “Charm is Not Enough,” by Mary Young, 1965

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Custom of the Hindus

Hindus (Hindustani) are people who religiously adhere to Hinduism. Historically, the term has also been used as a geographical, cultural, and later religious identifier for people living in the Indian subcontinent. ~ 

Image above by the Indian painter M.V. Dhurandhar manages to convey a real sense of personality and drama to the situation through the face and gesture of the priest.

The frequent invitations every woman receives to “run in and spend the morning with me” gives a forcible suggestion of how little any one must have to do who can afford to take the golden hours of the day for social recreation. The Hindus have a custom, when detained too long by a prosy or untimely visitor, of rising and saying courteously, “Go, and come again.” 

The guest never thinks of resenting the decidedly broad hint, but, receiving it in the spirit in which it is offered, makes his adieu. While the introduction of this habit into America may not be altogether practicable, it would be well if the plea of pressing occupation could be accepted by one woman from another in the same manner that similar excuses are exchanged between business men. -Christine Terhune Herrick in Philadelphia Press, 1886

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Charm School Cigarette “Techniques”

Above images are all incorrect etiquette for smoking ~ “… many women smoke, they should certainly guard against looking masculine or uncouth. Here are a number of suggestions to keep the smoking habit as feminine as possible.”

Charm School Cigarette “Techniques”

The smoking habit was originally strictly a man's habit and although today many women smoke, they should certainly guard against looking masculine or uncouth. Here are a number of suggestions to keep the smoking habit as feminine as possible.

1. Never hold a cigarette in the mouth without the fingers assisting. In other words, no dangling cigarettes.

2. Hold the cigarette in the hand as you strike the match and then place it between the lips for lighting. The fingers must stay in contact with the cigarette.

3. If assistance is offered for lighting the cigarette, graciously lean toward the light.

4. Hold the cigarette as close to the ends of the fingers as possible.

5. Hold the lighted end of the cigarette toward the ceiling so that smoke does not curl through the fingers.

6. Never blow smoke through the nostrils.

7. Do not flick the ashes from the cigarette, roll them off.

8. To put the cigarette out, gently roll it in the ash tray until there is no longer any smoke.

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Fasion Attire Etiquette

In the gilded age, women of means changed clothing several times a day. When traveling abroad, women and men with money could expect to change clothing several times during a day. A woman would need daily; a morning dress, a day dress, a tea gown, a dinner gown and a combing or morning jacket.

The Line of Demarcation

One of the most encouraging signs of the times is that the line of demarcation between house and walking costumes is growing more and more distinct. The canon of good taste in this respect has been notoriously disregarded, even by those who might have been supposed to know better. Bright colors, it is true, are still to be seen on the streets, but women with refined feeling have set their faces like a flint against the use of them, and choose tints of the least conspicuousness for out-door toilettes.

On the other hand, home and ceremonious dress increases in richness. This is in accordance with the eternal fitness of things. It is the high prerogative of woman to adorn herself for the home and drawing-room, where she holds intercourse with her equals in the social sphere; and it is equally her province to be modest and inconspicuous in her best attire, where she comes in contact with the promiscuous crowd, who may jostle her at every turn.-New York Commercial Advertiser, 1886

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Professional Etiquette for Royalty

Dr. Gupta has risen from his humble beginnings to become a celebrated and decorated plastic surgeon. He selflessly volunteers his time and resources to help the underprivileged, including survivors of wars, terrorist attacks, major accidents, to those with birth defects, as well as Bollywood stars and Hindi TV serial personalities.

 An Interview with Dr. Ashok Gupta

Through a dear friend, I was introduced to an extraordinary figure in Indian society, Dr. Ashok Gupta. From his humble beginnings in a village in inner India, Dr. Gupta has risen to become a celebrated and decorated plastic surgeon. He selflessly volunteers his time and resources to help the underprivileged, including survivors of wars, terrorist attacks, major accidents, to those with birth defects, as well as Bollywood stars and Hindi TV serial personalities. His contributions have been recognised by numerous governments, Gulf royalty, and international film festivals. 

Dr. Ashok Gupta began his career at Government Medical College in Nagpur, moved on to Grant Medical College in Mumbai, and then advanced his training in the United Kingdom at The Royal College of Surgeons, in Scotland. I wanted to interview this prestigious plastic surgeon to gain insights from his 50 years of service, learn about his views on business etiquette and protocols, and gather tips he could offer to aspiring professionals.

Guests meeting Gulf royalty should ensure their hair is well-groomed and trimmed, their nails are clean and neat, and their overall appearance is tidy.

Governmental and Royal Protocol

Before becoming the recipient of “Sheikh Hamdan International Award” in 2010, or meeting Gulf royalty in completely different circumstances, the royal protocol officer was asked to provide invaluable information in how one should conduct oneself. According to Dr. Gupta, when meeting Gulf royalty, one should “reflect respect for their culture, traditions, and customs.” One should also show appreciation for an “occasion's significance and highlight one's understanding of royal etiquette.” I would have to agree. Understanding and adhering to royal protocols not only demonstrates respect but also highlights one’s maturity and cultural sensitivity. Here are some points of protocol training that Dr Gupta learned and passed on to me in our talk:

Clothing and Grooming
• Avoid wearing black, it is a colour associated with mourning in Gulf culture.
• Dress formally for meetings with royalty and avoid all attire that may be considered casual.
• Wearing clothing with images or text that may be offensive to Islamic beliefs is considered highly disrespectful.Gulf royal protocol emphasizes modesty, elegance, and refinement in clothing choices.
• Arabian culture places great emphasis on cleanliness, personal hygiene and foremost smells. Body odour is looked upon, or smelled upon, unfavourably.
• Guests meeting Gulf royalty should ensure their hair is well-groomed and trimmed, their nails are clean and neat, and their overall appearance is tidy.
• Women should opt for conservative clothing that covers their arms, legs, and shoulders, while avoiding tight-fitting outfits.
• Women must cover their hair and wear an abaya, which is a loose-fitting black cloak over modest clothing.

Cultural Etiquette
• Avoid pointing the soles of your feet at anyone.
• Use excellent posture and use minimal gestures, keeping hands and feet steady.
• Avoiding physical contact unless initiated by the royal family member.
• Refrain from taking pictures without permission.
• Show respect by standing up when they enter the room.
• Avoiding direct eye contact unless invited.
• Never turn your back on any member of the royal family.
• Use your right hand to reciprocate a handshake offered to you.
• Use formal behaviour as opposed to undue familiarity.

Addressing the Royal Family

Depending on which King, Shaikh, Amir, Sultan or Crown Prince you may meet or write to, always seek the direction of the royal protocol office. There you will receive the correct way to address and correspond with the Royal Family. For instance, you may receive information such as the following when verbally addressing a Crown Prince from Saudia Arabia, Jordon or Morocco:

• First instance: ‘Your Royal Highness’
• Thereafter in conversation: ‘Sir’
• In conversation: ‘His Royal Highness’

The takeaway here is undeniable: Dr. Gupta’s adherence to these protocols and his reflections on their importance, serve as a guide for anyone seeking to engage respectfully and appropriately with any royalty. His experience underscores the value of cultural etiquette in building respectful and meaningful connections across different societies, which he still maintains today.

Succeeding in a Business Environment

He recalled an experience during his time at the surgeon's college when a lecturer observed him carefully cleaning a wound, suturing it precisely, and neatly dressing it. The lecturer told him he had an aptitude as a surgeon and encouraged him to continue. Dr. Gupta used this feedback as a building block for how he would provide care to all his patients. This approach is two-fold: first, when performing work, he ensures it is done well and with patience; second, he recognises that the patient has entrusted him with their care, fostering humility and thankfulness for their trust.

The lesson learned here is simple: Whether working for yourself or someone else, approach your work with zeal, passion, and a commitment to excellence. Strive to give over 100% to your clients or customers, as their satisfaction and trust will be your most valuable endorsements—more impactful than any review on Google or Trustpilot.

Here are Dr. Gupta's three key guidelines for succeeding in a business environment:
1. Thoroughly research the establishment and its work culture.
2. Commit to understanding the core principles of the business.
3. Align with the goals of the business at hand, and actively contribute value.

Dressing Professionally

While speaking with Dr. Gupta, I noticed on two occasions that he was dressed professionally. During the interview, he wore doctor's scrubs with his name and practice embroidered in red. Why is this important? Trust and confidence. If you were looking for a plastic surgeon to perform life-altering work, would you trust someone wearing sneakers, a t-shirt, and jeans, or a surgeon in business attire or a medical uniform? I know which one I would choose.

This brings to mind Dr. Gupta’s account of a young surgeon who was to be interviewed by a doctorate board in Mumbai. The young surgeon arrived in casual attire and was not allowed to enter the interview room because his choice of attire was deemed incorrect and unprofessional. He was subsequently told to reapply at a later date.

Dr. Gupta, who practiced in Bahrain for some time, shared an anecdote about one of his patients, an American woman. During their consultation, she remarked on the importance of a woman’s and man’s presentation, specifically mentioning the condition of his shoes. What did she mean? She was emphasising the significance of the little details in a man’s overall presentation. Both men and women notice non-verbal cues such as body language, dress, and grooming. Ensuring small details, like removing dust from shoes and keeping the back of the shoes clean, matters. Should we worry about the back of our shoes and clothing? The answer is, “Yes!”

The takeaway here is clear: The way you present yourself, including professional attire and attention to small details, significantly impacts trust and confidence in your abilities. Whether in an interview or a consultation, demonstrating professionalism through your appearance is crucial for making a positive impression.

Here are Dr. Gupta's three important pointers in dressing professionally:

1. Think about where you are going and who you are planning to meet.
2. Dress accordingly, taking time before to evaluate the clothing.
3. Add a touch of individuality and panache to level-up your entire outfit.

Cross-Cultural Communication

Whilst speaking with and interviewing Dr. Gupta, I noticed several things about his demeanour. His delivery is caring, methodical, and purposeful. He is always ready to explain the answers to any questions you may have, without making you feel ignorant for asking, which inspired ease and made me feel instantly relaxed in his presence. And he smiled!

However, this was not always the case. Let me explain. Fresh out of India and practicing in the United Kingdom under the guidance of his college, Dr. Gupta encountered a 15-16-year-old female patient seeking plastic surgery on her nose. One of the standard questions is, "What medication are you currently taking?" To his shock, she mentioned she was taking contraceptive pills. The observing lecturer took him aside and stated kindly yet firmly that he needed to understand the cultural system of the country. This became the foundation for his doctor-patient behaviour, emphasizing the importance of building effective communication strategies and learning about cultural etiquette.

This lesson is very important: Effective communication and cultural awareness are essential for building trust and confidence in any doctor-patient relationship. Dr. Gupta’s experience highlights the importance of understanding cultural contexts and honing interpersonal skills to provide compassionate and competent care.

Here are Dr. Gupta's four important pointers in cultural communication:

1. Speak clearly and slowly, breaking down your sentences for better understanding. 
2. Actively listen by summarizing anything questionable and ask questions to confirm your comprehension. 
3. Take turns speaking in short exchanges to allow for processing and response.
4. Smiling is widely recognised across cultures, when the smiles are genuine.

Giving Back to the Community

After researching Dr. Ashok Gupta's website (https://drashokgupta.in/), I was impressed by his pro bono surgeries for war victims, Mumbai shooting survivors, acid attack victims, accident victims in remote areas, and more. During the interview, I asked him why he dedicated time to these cases when he could focus on building a thriving practice. Dr. Gupta simply explained his motivation: "It's about giving back, generating goodwill, and expressing gratitude for the opportunity to use my skills."

Here are some powerful examples of his impact:

A child found in the Varanasi jungle with a severe animal bite, received surgeries from Dr. Gupta at ages 5, 10, 15, showcasing the long-term care provided.

A truck accident victim, who required 40 hours of surgery, received his care with Dr. Gupta leading a team of 7 doctors. Dr. Gupta described losing track of time due to his intense focus, but the surgery's success allowed the man to marry and start a family. These stories exemplify the profound impact Dr. Gupta's work has on people's lives. What can we learn from this?

Natures law on equal returns: Dr. Gupta's story highlights the power of pro bono work that professionals can leverage their skills to significantly improve lives and communities. Giving back generates personal fulfillment and strengthens the social fabric, as seen by Dr. Gupta's dedication and the positive outcomes for his patients.

I hope that you enjoyed reading this, as much I enjoyed interviewing Dr Ashok Gupta. It was a privilege to meet such a talented individual who is not only passionate about his field but also dedicated to sharing his knowledge with aspiring professionals and recent graduates. His vast experience is truly remarkable!

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette. Elizabeth is currently traveling throughout India and brushing up on her Hindi.

www.auersmont.com | +61 466 344 331 | auersmont@gmail.com

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia © Etiquette Encyclopedia

How to Prepare Your Down Syndrome Child to Have Tea in Public

Dressing up can be part of the fun in having an afternoon teatime, but it’s the time well spent with your child that makes the real difference. Most children love to have personal time carved out for them, and they’ll look forward to afternoon tea one they have enjoyed it a first time. It only takes an hour.

How to have tea with your Down Syndrome Child

Teatime can be a wonderful way that we engage and spend time with our special needs child and they’ll learn new skills as well. The following are a few tips I developed and learned and would like to pass on to other parents:

When should we have tea?
Choose a time when it’s convenient and when your are not rushing for both you and the child. Perhaps after school pick up, or during the weekend.

Try to have tea the same time, or day(s). Most children love to have personal time carved out for them, and they’ll look forward to afternoon tea one they have enjoyed it a first time. It only takes an hour.

I usually schedule our teatime approximately three hours before dinner, so everyone is hungry. It’s not really a problem in our household!

What to serve?

The choice is yours, make it simple or whatever children like. Cookies, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, baked goods from the dollar store. A trip to a local Costco can do, or simply bake a batch of muffins. You can also try cheese and crackers, cake, or serve buttered toast, and jam. Use what you have on hand. Make it memorable and looked forward to, whether it’s a daily weekly or monthly tea!

What kind of drinks besides tea?

Since we are fast approaching summertime, enjoy iced tea, lemonade, or even hot tea, cold chocolate drinks, or freshly squeezed juices. Find products according to your child’s taste and diet.

Where to have tea?

Many families use the kitchen table because it’s convenient, some families dedicate the dining table for tea time.My son (who has Down Syndrome) and I use a couple of TV trays put together to create a larger table for us on occasions, or sometimes our teatime has the coziness of using a tablecloth or blanket on the family room floor, especially when he was much younger.

You can also use your family room, your beautiful garden, patio, front porch, a quaint balcony in your apartment, or even use lawn chairs with TV trays outside. What we’re doing is creating a special place to make memories and introduce teatime and new skills with the children we care about.This is one way for Down Syndrome students to be more self assured with themselves and others before trying tea at a public tearoom.

What about the place settings?

Use what you have to get started. Use only what the child uses safely to start.

Plastic or paper plates, cups, or a a favorite mug or cup they like to use. Be creative!

Get the utensils for only the food that you will be eating; a tea spoon and possibly a fork. 

Napkins? How about placemats? Yes, and you can even use superheroes or princess placemats, whatever they like. You know your child. Use only what is safe for them, but feels “special.”

How to begin your special teatime
Adults should prepare a child’s food and drink for the child’s safety.
Show them how to use a spoon and/or fork. Remind them how to use napkins to wipe their or dab their mouths, and then remind them to put them back on their laps.

Enjoy their company
Sometimes there is no conversation. That’s okay! Your child just want closeness with the person they’re having tea with – You! When they want to talk, ask them questions regarding subjects for which they can give answers. For example: A new pet or toy, or how they helped someone. Let them know you’re proud of them for something they did. That they are loved, or you love a particular trait about them, like their beautiful smiles… whatever is in your heart.

Remember, at each teatime is an opportunity build table skills:

• wiping our mouths,
• folding napkin in our laps,
• chewing with closed mouths,
• learning to use utensils,
• how to speak,
• And much more!

“It's Me - It's Only Down Syndrome” (in both male and female versions) is first time author, etiquette enthusiast and founder of the Graceful Manners Academy, Carla M. West’s way of paying loving tribute to her wonderful son. He was a boy who was full of joy and curiosity, who loved his husky dog, “Cookie,” and who just also happened to have Down Syndrome. Etiquette and Dance Instructor, West, wanted people to know that her son was just like any other kid who loved to laugh, play and explore the world around him. Like any other kid, his feelings could get hurt as well. Brandon and his mom want every kid to know that kids with Down Syndrome are just like you - they just want to be loved! If you need more information on tea, table skills, self development class for a Down Syndrome student, you can contact Carla at the Graceful Manners Academy

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Advice to Mothers

“The common school is a good thing, but children do not imbibe unmixed blessedness therefrom. They are quite liable to meet other children from families of lax morals or none at all, who will teach them bad words and impure thoughts and actions…”

What a Mother Should Do

It is a part of the average mother’s creed that her child can do no wrong. If she doesn't acknowledge it, she feels it and acts upon it and is lulled into a false security by it, until her children have very likely acquired evil habits of which she little dreams and which will curse them for a lifetime. The common school is a good thing, but children do not imbibe unmixed blessedness therefrom.  

They are quite liable to meet other children from families of lax morals or none at all, who will teach them bad words and impure thoughts and actions, by which they will be greatly harmed, albeit secretly, unless the wise mother forestalls any such danger by plain and unequivocal teaching, both moral and physiological.

How much better for a girl or boy to learn the truth from the pure lips of a loving mother than from foul-mouthed and ignorant companions, in whose obscene conversations are blended about ten grains of error to one of truth. And in the matter of drinking and smoking, does not a boy always learn before his mother knows it? 

If every mother would study physiology a little, learn just what effect alcohol and nicotine have on the human system, especially the stomach and brain, and teach the same to her boys, it is altogether probable that few of them, comparatively, would ever willingly take such enemies into their mouths. And girls should be taught the same that they may in turn teach their children and set a good example in society. Good books on alcohol and tobacco are easily obtainable; if you don't know of one ask your minister or physician what to get.– Minneapolis Housekeeper, 1886

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

7 Tips for Meeting Across Time Zones

As a host, regardless of inviting someone to a venue, your event, your home, or your Zoom meeting, the correct manner remains to make the guest feel welcomed and at ease. Asking your guest to figure out the time of the meeting online is like inviting a guest to your home and asking them to take out their jacket and help with preparing the meal for the party. So if you do not have a calendar to share handy where the person can choose the most convenient time (as an added benefit, these online calendars also automatically convert to the time zone of the person based on their IP address their location) then the next best thing would be to suggest a list of two or three alternatives they can choose from. 

Mastering the Art of Polite Meetings 

Across Time Zones: 7 Essential Manners

Since I left my home country and moved to a different continent when I was 21 years old and joined aviation for the next decade, dealing with meetings across time zones has become second nature. Along the way, many mistakes were made, many misunderstandings, and missed opportunities, and I am here to save you all the years it took me to learn and teach you how to master the art of meeting etiquette across time zones.

1. Awareness of the concept of time – For those that have not read the article on Etiquipedia on this topic, I do suggest you go ahead and give it a read as it will clarify so many vital points in how different our perspective over time is. One of the biggest lessons I can share with you, I learned as a former flight attendant and cross-cultural etiquette trainer. It is one that many of us miss when dealing with other people, especially people coming from a different culture than ours. We fail to realize how biased we are in what we define as “normal,” and we clash in judging the other because we never gave the courtesy of removing our own “culture-filtered glasses” and allowing room for curiosity. 

Emily Post said that etiquette is always based on respect, consideration, and honesty. Etiquette was never about being better than others, but how can we be better to others. In that sense, if we invite a person to a meeting, it is our duty as hosts to let go of our own prejudices and make room for respecting and considering another person’s culture. So, how would that look? 

2. Confirm the time zone; never assume – Just because I am a Romanian native, perhaps we met in Romania, does not mean automatically I am currently in Romania or I will be when the meeting happens. Similarly, just because my card said my base is Dubai doesn’t mean I will be in Dubai at the time of the meeting. So, be very specific about the time zone in which the meeting will occur. Ideally, if you are working remotely, scheduling tools like Calendly, Acuity Scheduling, and so many others are ideal to make this process as smooth, considerate, and professional as possible since you would not force the person to go through the mental effort of answering a vague question of “When are you available?” which you then have to go back and forth with your own potential unavailability. 

As a host, regardless of inviting someone to a venue, your event, your home, or your Zoom meeting, the correct manner remains to make the guest feel welcomed and at ease. Asking your guest to figure out the time of the meeting online is like inviting a guest to your home and asking them to take out their jacket and help with preparing the meal for the party. So if you do not have a calendar to share handy where the person can choose the most convenient time (as an added benefit, these online calendars also automatically convert to the time zone of the person based on their IP address their location) then the next best thing would be to suggest a list of two or three alternatives they can choose from. 

3. Clarify the specific time zone you are talking about: Nothing communicates faster “I believe I am the center of the Universe; time starts and ends when I wake up and go to sleep” , like not mentioning which time zone you are talking about. So instead of saying “9 pm Thursday,” say 9 pm to 10 pm on Thursday, 13 Jan 2024 PST. This is one vital etiquette rule about time I learned when I was in aviation. The way airline staff deal with time differences in such an efficient manner is by having an established protocol time that is referred to as ZULU time or UTC. UTC is similar to GMT but not always, as GMT is not precise enough to be used in modern technical pursuits such as aviation. That’s partly because the earth’s rotation can vary slightly, and GMT doesn’t account for that variation. To solve that problem, a commission at the UN got together and, in the 1960s, adopted UTC as its more precise successor.

That being said, when confirming the meeting, make certain to state a clear date day of the week and add their time zone first, followed by your time zone (when the meeting has less than 3 different time zones, so yours and others two), alternatively add UTC time (if it is good enough for aviation and military and UN, is good enough for us) followed by your time zone. I learned that adding your time zone always helps, especially when the person has to travel unexpectedly or somehow the time was miscalculated (we are human, and mistakes can happen). So, in confirming your time zone, they have a time to cross-reference in case of any delay on that day and understand what is happening.

4. Be considerate and make the guest feel welcomed: Remember to communicate clearly that you do put their comfort first. For example: “Below are a few options for you to choose the most convenient time within the next week, based on your schedule and time zone”. Using this approach, the person knows beforehand that the time they are looking at is adapted to their time zone. They can advise you if there are any changes. When confirming the meeting, be sure you state a precise date and day of the week and add their time zone first, followed by your time zone. And utilize smart scheduling tools. 

One I found incredibly useful over the years, even when I do have the calendar, is to attach a screenshot of the World Clock Meeting Planner. I find it to be an amazing tool, especially when the time difference is of over 7-12 hours or there are multiple (more than 3 time zones I need to consider for a session) because you can visually see which times would be most appropriate and offer that to the guest(s) to see and select a time that suits them. One extra tip that can communicate consideration towards the guest is to add the guest's location first and move your location last so that the table shows their location first. Sometimes, it is in those small details that one communicates most. That is, of course, assuming that we all want to have the best outcome in our meetings. 

5. “Hello? /Good morning? Good day or Good evening? Choose the correct greeting when you are in different time zones- The correct etiquette would be to show respect to your guests so it is always a nice touch to acknowledge their time zone “Good morning to you, Maura”, in case I speak to someone who has an earlier meeting, even if for me it might be 9 pm. Alternatively, if there are multiple guests and they have different time zones, or you are training and are a host, you might say, “Greetings from California and welcome to our meeting today. I am aware of all your different time zones and would like to thank all of you for taking the time to be here” Just please do not serve “HEY” to the meeting. There is a saying that Hay{hey} is only for horses, and genuinely, people are getting dangerously casual in their business meetings. 

6. Attachments, cancelations, and details forwarded in due time – For the person receiving it, not for you, the sender. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I got essential information for a meeting, homework for coaching sessions that I had to review, during the night when I was asleep, for a meeting that was happening early in the morning for me. I learned the hard way, and I am certain I have done this in the past myself. So please try to consider the time difference; just because it is early morning and you have the whole day ahead does not mean the person has the same also. And I assume nobody is setting meetings with the aim of boycotting that meeting, so do your very best to be considerate. 

Whenever an emergency happens, and that is not possible, acknowledge the challenge and inconvenience caused. Be the one to offer a solution, even if you were initially the guest at that meeting. You canceled with short notice, you need to make sure you take the accountability to not just apologize but offer a reasonable and clear follow up solution. Nothing is ruder than us assuming the “princess role” and making the other feel like they have to put all the effort to get to you in a situation (across all genders, hierarchy positions, age or financial status).

7. Being respectful of other culture’s “concept of punctuality”- So awareness is the first step; we know we might meet a German or Swiss who will join the meeting 15 min earlier and expect you there already as that would be “on time” but we might meet someone who is more relaxed about time from Saudi Arabia who would potentially take their time and not particularly enjoy the pressure of you ringing them, make them “lose face” for not being there on your time and schedule. This last part would be a terrible faux pas and most definitely ruin the relationship, which, to a culture that puts relationships above time, would equate to a lost opportunity. So what is one to do…

The right manner is always in my mind, the one that is considered to avoid the worst-case scenario. Which, of course, would be your guest showing up for a meeting where they have to wait for the host. One can never assume that someone from a culture that puts relationships above time will always be late. They certainly expect the respect of the host being there on time when they set the meeting, despite themselves being late as guests. And this is often out of consideration for giving the guest the time to breathe, collect their thoughts, and prepare not out of rudeness. So, the right manner also includes all potential cultural influences and aims to communicate your values as a guest instead of being presumptuous and assuming that you know it all. Perhaps the Saudi guest lived all his life and was influenced by a German culture, which is not typical to their culture. So make sure the meeting room is open and ready 15 minutes earlier and advise the guest that it is open whenever they feel ready to join. Restate that you are looking forward to meeting them soon. (Sometimes restating the exact time of the meeting helps also to not make the person rush).

Remember, in the world of global connectivity, mastering the art of polite meetings across time zones is not just a skill but a testament to our ability to bridge cultural gaps and build meaningful connections. Let's strive to approach each interaction with respect, consideration, and a genuine desire to understand and accommodate one another. By embracing the essential manners outlined above, we can transform each meeting into a harmonious exchange that transcends boundaries and fosters unity in diversity. Together, let's navigate the complexities of time zones with grace and mindfulness, making every encounter an opportunity for fostering new and succesful relationships. That is what manners and etiquette are all about.

Our newest contributor, Andreea Stefanescu, is an internationally accredited etiquette, communication, and cross-cultural management consultant. She holds an MBA in International Hospitality and Customer Service Management from GIHE, Switzerland, ranked as the top worldwide hospitality institution. With over 15 years of global experience, Andreea has lived and studied in eight countries, speaks four languages (RO, EN, FR, SP), and has traveled to 89 countries. She is the founder of The School of Manners, offering unparalleled expertise in international etiquette, intercultural communication, and human behavior.

Andreea’s extensive training includes certifications from renowned institutions such as the Protocol School of Washington, The English Manner, and the Institut Villa Pierrefeu. She is certified in micro-expressions, body language, and personality assessments, including MBTI®. Her professional experience spans luxury hospitality, private aviation, and training in Royal Etiquette and Diplomacy. 

As a communication specialist, Andreea has worked with high-profile clients, including executives, diplomats, and celebrities, helping them navigate diverse social and professional environments with confidence. Her approach emphasizes respect, empathy, and cultural sensitivity, making her a sought-after speaker and trainer on international platforms. 

Through The School of Manners, Andreea equips individuals and organizations with the skills to master etiquette, enhance their personal and professional presence, and build effective, culturally aware communication strategies. 

For more information, visit The School of Manners or contact Andreea at andreea@theschoolofmanners.com.

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette When Rising to Dance

TIME TO DANCE

The Man of the Moment asks you to dance, he comes around the table, pulls out your chair and off you go; but not before laying aside your napkin, bag, and gloves. Personally, I like the rule that says, "You never place a soiled napkin on the table until everyone at the table has finished eating and is ready to leave." If you like it too, you will place your napkin on your chair along with the other accoutrements. — “From The Mary Burns Guide to Beauty, Charm and Poise,“ 1962

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Manners for Young People

   

It is never polite to comment on another guest’s table manners, regardless of the utensils they have chosen to dine using.~Above is a gilded age, fluted sorbet spoon by Tiffany. Not many silver companies produced sorbet spoons or spoons for ices. The companies who did, produced more of the shovel-like, Italian sorbetto spoons.

Manners from the Books of Etiquette

True politeness is always unassuming, but people who learn their manners from books of etiquette often make themselves ridiculous in attempting to show off their fancied superiority. At a lunch in Washington recently, a distinguished prelate sat next to a young lady who is spending her first winter in the capital. He was eating his ices with a spoon, when he was for a moment struck dumb by her remark, loud enough to be heard by others, “Oh, why don't you use a fork? It isn't polite to eat ices with a spoon.”

When he had recovered his breath, he replied, in the softest and most amiable tone, “My dear child, I am sorry it is not nice; but I was brought up to eat ices with a spoon, and unfortunately I am too old to forget.”

A similar incident occurred at a dinner. An army officer of high rank, while engaged in an animated conversation with his vis-a-vis, inadvertently stuck a three-pronged fork into his oysters. The hostess immediately cried out, “Oh, general, use the smaller fork.”

From the grim look which settled upon the features of that warrior it might be fancied that he was preparing for a battle charge, but he said ne'er a word, and he did not tarry long after the dinner.

Both the general and the prelate were probably aware, however, that they had only neglected to observe a mere caprice of fashionable society, and that they had not violated any law of genuine good-breeding. - From Youths’ Companion, 1886

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Girls Warned of “the Cars”

Young ladies in the gilded age were warned from falling prey to vulgar or vicious characters one might be exposed to while on “the Cars” of public transport.~ It was reported in the papers that one such young lady eloped with a man who turned out to be professional gambler!  “The girl was not to blame. It was the natural effect of her daily journeys without protection. But the dewy bloom was fast going from the peach…Their acquaintance, it was stated, ‘began on the cars.’” 

Acquaintance “Begun on the Cars”

“I live,” said a gentleman lately, “in a town near New York, and go to my business there and return on the same line of railway. The train in the morning and afternoon is filled with girls from ten to eighteen years on their way to and from schools in the city. They usually belong to families of the educated, influential class and at home are carefully guarded from vulgar or vicious companions. They are not so guarded on the cars, and the result is soon apparent.

“For example, I remember, about five years ago, that a blushing little girl of 15 was put one morning on the train by her father; her books were in an embroidered bag, and her ticket ready in her portemonnaie. It was evidently the first time she had made the journey alone. She sat timidly in one corner, her color coming and going when the conductor spoke to her. She was a picture of innocence and modesty.

“After that, she came down every day on the same train. In a day or two, I noticed that she was listening to the chatter of the other school girls, at first with a mixture of disgust and amazement on her shy face. Presently, as she became used to it, the disgust wore off, and she listened smiling, to their absurd gossip and jokes.

“In a week or two the conductor and brakeman recognized her as a familiar figure, and tipped their hats to her as she stepped on board. A little later they exchanged good-morning and remarks about the weather. She apparently felt that civility required some answer. When, as weeks passed, the conductor, a young, vulgar fellow stopped beside her seat to ask what was her school, and to make remarks on her textbooks, the girl, though frightened and annoyed, did not know how to dismiss him.

“Before the summer was over, she had lost much of her shyness and helplessness. She came alone to the train, jumped on board, and marched into the car like the others with an air of perfect sangfroid. The girl was not to blame. It was the natural effect of her daily journeys without protection. But the dewy bloom was fast going from the peach.

In a year that girl entered the car as if it belonged to her, laughing and joking loudly with the other girls and the train hands. She had lost all interest for me, and I ceased to notice her. One day, however, about a year afterward, the morning papers contained the account of the elopement of the daughter of Judge Blank with a man who turned out to be a professional gambler. “Their acquaintance, it was stated, ‘began on the cars.’

“It was the shy little girl. She might yet be shy and innocent and happy, if her mother had not subjected her to the risks of that unprotected journey. No education can atone for the price paid for it in such exposure.”-Youth's Companion, 1886

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Global Time

The Concept of Time 

Around the World

Unlocking the Secrets of Time Perception: 

A Fascinating Journey Through Cultural Etiquette and Punctuality Around the World

After working in aviation and international etiquette for over 17 years and traveling to over 90 countries worldwide, I can assure you that the biggest hurdle one faces in traveling will not be the language barrier. Of all the cultural differences in manners and etiquette, none is as challenging and tension-provoking as people’s varied perceptions and attitudes toward time. 

I remember the first time in my life when I was faced with this massive shift in what punctuality means when I was 21 years old on my first time visiting Ethiopia. We were invited to a very important graduation ceremony at one of the top international venues in Addis Ababa, the capital city. I will never forget that one invitation time…which said 7:30 pm, when I was supposed to join the family I was hosted by to this very important official event. 

In preparation of this, the family planned a beautiful Spa day for us to get ready. And here is where my “if you are 15 minutes early, you are late” mentality ( I did not even realize how ingrained it was in me) started to show up... At 7 pm, we were just coming out of a sauna and half of the family had a planned massage. 

I felt my anxiety rise to levels I never suspected concept of “time” was even putting on me since in my circle back home, at that age, I was never the one to be bothered by time…

When I shared my confusion… genuinely wondering or rather hoping that the event got delayed or canceled... I was looked at with amusement and told that if we would show up at 7:30 we would not only be the first ones there but even the staff would be shocked and rushed as they would probably not even have finished setting up the room… and that I should relax and maybe throw away that watch while I am in Africa. 

Tough lesson; I admit I took it very skeptical, so I remained concerned when at around 22:30 (yes you read that correctly,) we were leaving the house and reached the venue…and I was told I will see how everyone is just starting to arrive.

And…to my disbelief …that could not have been more accurate. 

Guests were just starting to arrive as if somehow through magic everyone seemed to have an unwritten sense of understanding that we will all be a minimum of 3 hours late as a sign of courtesy not of rudeness!

Big lesson to learn so young. And in this particular circumstance my manner of showing up on time, 15 min earlier, as my dad always said –“to plan for unexpected delays”- would have made me the rude one, the one that rushed the staff and stressed the hosts. Was it that my dad was wrong? Was one culture , one etiquette better than the other as most elegance influencers would have you believe? Not at all...There is no culture, no etiquette better or worse. Our way of doing things is not the right way of doing things nor the only way of doing things.

That is why, real awareness and real knowledge is so humbling, because the more you learn to more you realize how much you are yet to learn. That is why learning etiquette should always offer you the freedom of choice, the foundation towards a very healthy social intelligence and empathy. What does one do when they are outside their culture? They impose their own rules in arrogance that we are always in the right or we give way to showing respect and curiosity towards the other and making sure people feel comfortable in our presence.

The assumption that we know it all is so dangerous in today’s increasingly global environments. That is why judging the world through the lenses of our own culture can create such a distorted perception of reality and such a challenge in our growth, our success, our relationships. To live is to learn.

Meeting at 5 pm in Mexico could mean people are actually starting to arrive at 7 pm and you might find yourself seating alone and confused if you show up “on time”

There are so many cultures that have completely different perspectives of time . Meeting at 5 pm in Mexico could mean people are actually starting to arrive at 7 pm and you might find yourself seating alone and confused if you show up “on time”. Expecting an email back or an answer to your calls on a Friday from a partner living in an Islamic country like Qatar or Saudi Arabia (or UAE until 2024 when they shifted their weekend for improving international relations) would be rude as Friday and Saturdays are considered the weekend while Sunday is the first working day of the week. 

Expecting an email back or an answer to your calls on a Friday from a partner living in an Islamic country like Qatar or Saudi Arabia (or UAE until 2024 when they shifted their weekend for improving international relations) would be rude as Friday and Saturdays are considered the weekend while Sunday is the first working day of the week.

So, what makes us so different when it comes to perceiving time? Don’t we “share” time?

TIME ORIENTATION

First factor is time orientation , which is the way we look towards past, present, or the future. And that affects how we value time and how we believe we can control time. 

Future-orientated cultures tend to run their lives by the clock. An example of that is the United States of America, one of the fastest paced countries in the world, perhaps partly due to the fact that many Americans are always looking towards the future, striving for the “American Dream”. 

An example of a present oriented culture is Spain or Italy or France…where the present moment matters and is appreciated; time with the family , having lunch or siesta are essential. 

When it comes to past-orientated cultures, like India, for example, people tend to have a slightly more laid backperception of time. Unlike in Japan, it is not unusual for trains in India to be several hours, or even a full day, late,without creating undue stress and turmoil. Studies have brought up the theory that such cultures, with thousands of years of history behind them, have such a long point of view that time at the scale of minutes, or even hours, becomes insignificant and inconsequential.

 

Certain social studies on cultures and time have shown that time is not as linear as we perceive it. While for most of the Western cultures the past is behind us and gone and the future is ahead of us and can be predicted, planned, strategized.. in Madagascar the opposite is the case, where the past is in front of our eyes because it is visible, known and it influences us. 

That is why the Malagasy people spend an extensive amount of time consulting their ancestors, learning from their past and they consider the future unknowable and behind their head where they do not have eyes to see….As a result….Buses in Madagascar leave…not according to a predetermined schedule but.. when the bus is full. 

And before you allow your own filter of perception to cringe at the idea, To them this makes perfect reasoning and economic sense…the passengers have control and dictate when the bus leaves so it builds a sense of community... and let's face facts, it is more considerate towards the environment which for most of us is still a far fetched objective of modern manners.

Also, it is quite sustainable as stocks are not replenished until shelves are empty.

If you start thinking this is interesting, let me tell you, there are cultures that have been found to have no time orientation, and no attitude at all as they only perceive the present moment. Some tribes of the Amazon rainforest are often mentioned in this context. Not only because they appear to have no concept of time but also their language has… no past tense, and everything exists for them as mentioned... only in the present moment. When something can no longer be perceived, it effectively ceases to exist for them.

Some Native American tribes, also have a language that lacks verb tenses, and their language avoids all linear constructions in time. The closest the Hopi language comes to a sense of time are one word meaning “sooner” and another meaning “later”.

TIME USE:

Second factor is the use of time , the way cultures act in regards to punctuality, to time pressure or deadlines, willingness to wait or be late.

Different cultures may be considered to be:

• Monochronic – where things are typically done one at a time, tend to be more task oriented, tardiness is not tolerated, there is more pressure to finalize things until a deadline, individuals value planning and schedule. This objective view of time use is favorable to everything connected with industrialized organizations and economies and is considered to be rooted in the Industrial Revolution. Some examples are the United States of America, Germany, Switzerland, Britain, Canada, Japan, South Korea, Turkey or the Scandinavian countries.

• Polychronic – where several things can be done at once, and a more fluid approach is taken to scheduling time. To this cultures simple arbitrary divisions of clock time and calendars have less importance than the relationships. That is why in most Arab cultures, you can and should never set more than one meeting in a day especially if the aim to have a successful outcome. Eastern people always start their business meetings by getting to know their partners more and they would not even start talking business until a relationship is built which causes a lot of frustration to an individual not used to dealing with a polychronic culture. Many Latin American, African, Asian, and Arab cultures fall into this category.

So let me paint you a clear picture: If you write down the details of a meeting, a monochronic culture would first note the hour of the meeting – what time they have to be there…while a polychronic culture would most probably first check and note whom the meeting is with rather than the time.

Some cultures also end up adapting their time and is not uncommon for Mexicans living  abroad to voice the question Hora Ingles (the actual time on the clock) or “hora Mexicana” which is considerably more casual and potentially 2 hours or more later .

Misunderstandings of people’s concept of time can easily lead to a failure to understand intentions and as a result ruin both personal and professional relations.

If you're interested in learning about more about manners to help overcome these challenges, I invite you to read the article"Mastering the Art of Polite Meetings Across Time Zones: 7 Essential Manners."

Our newest contributor, Andreea Stefanescu, is an internationally accredited etiquette, communication, and cross-cultural management consultant. She holds an MBA in International Hospitality and Customer Service Management from GIHE, Switzerland, ranked as the top worldwide hospitality institution. With over 15 years of global experience, Andreea has lived and studied in eight countries, speaks four languages (RO, EN, FR, SP), and has traveled to 89 countries. She is the founder of The School of Manners, offering unparalleled expertise in international etiquette, intercultural communication, and human behavior.

Andreea’s extensive training includes certifications from renowned institutions such as the Protocol School of Washington, The English Manner, and the Institut Villa Pierrefeu. She is certified in micro-expressions, body language, and personality assessments, including MBTI®. Her professional experience spans luxury hospitality, private aviation, and training in Royal Etiquette and Diplomacy. 

As a communication specialist, Andreea has worked with high-profile clients, including executives, diplomats, and celebrities, helping them navigate diverse social and professional environments with confidence. Her approach emphasizes respect, empathy, and cultural sensitivity, making her a sought-after speaker and trainer on international platforms. 

Through The School of Manners, Andreea equips individuals and organizations with the skills to master etiquette, enhance their personal and professional presence, and build effective, culturally aware communication strategies. 

For more information, visit The School of Manners or contact Andreea at andreea@theschoolofmanners.com.

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia