On Perfecting Royal Etiquette Points

Clearly, New Yorkers dropped the ball with regard to hosting her Highness properly and with the expected etiquette, when she was in New York. 

Giving points to Chicago – Commander Davis Instructs Mrs. Potter Palmer

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He explains in detail how the Infanta shall be received, and whom she may, and may not meet — New Yorkers made some bad mistakes, he says, because of their ignorance of etiquette — A Manual of Manners by the President’s Personal Representative

Commander Charles Henry Davis, United States Navy, representing the President of the United States near the person of Infanta Eulalia, spent a very busy day yesterday with his correspondence. Several of the letters he wrote were of some importance. One was to Mrs. Potter Palmer of Chicago telling her how to behave when she received the Princess. The letter is as follows:


“Out of consideration to American customs and the objection in this country to traveling on Sunday, her Royal Highness will leave for Chicago on Monday instead of on Sunday, as previously arranged, and will arrive at Chicago one day later. This will make some change in the programme arranged for her reception. I have promised the Mayor of Chicago and others that you should have the honor of giving the first reception to her Royal Highness. I have telegraphed the Mayor asking him to consult with you as to the order of how entertainment for the first few days will take place. Will you and the Mayor and Mr. Higginbotham arrange among yourselves, so that the programme may be perfectly clear when we arrive?


“I'll have also to request that there be no entertainments upon the hour of her arrival. Her Highness suffers a great deal from fatigue, and has to be very careful not to overexert, and I'm afraid she will find the long railroad journey so tedious that she will not be fit to take part in a big function immediately after her arrival. With this single restriction I leave the matter entirely in the hands of yourselves. With regard to your customs, I should say that you might ask as many people to your reception as you think ought to be presented to her Highness. The mere fatigue of receiving people is not serious, but you will, of course, provide an apartment to which her Highness can retire at any moment. If she feels tired she would not hesitate to exercise her prerogative of privacy.


“At the reception given by the Spanish colony here in New York the Prince and Princess stood on a platform raised about six inches above the floor and with a couple of armchairs behind them. I do not consider this at all obligatory upon you, and it might be considered as contrary to our own customs. You can do just as you please about this. Her Highness is sensible enough to take things in this country as she finds them. You should meet the Infanta at the door of your own house. I will explain this better by word of mouth.


“Will you kindly warn the good people of Chicago that when they are presented, they are presented to her husband as well, who stands by her side and who is a Prince of Royal blood? People when presented should bow to each. They have made the mistake here in New York of almost ignoring the Prince and greeting the Princess alone. The Princess will not shake hands except with persons that she knows or whom she desires to meet. The formality of presentation consists simply in calling the name of the people as they advance, who then bow and pass on, avoiding, if possible, turning their backs to their Royal Highnesses.


“You would naturally make the presentation in your own house. This could be done through me if you so desire. After the formal reception a supper should be provided at a separate table, and a separate room, for the Royal party. This table might accommodate twenty or thirty people, to be named by you. The members of her own suite always sit with her in this country, and I can give you a few words of instruction on the relative importance and the proper places for them to sit at the table when I meet you.


“If her Highness insisted upon the etiquette to which she is accustomed at home, a reception to her in an American home would be a simple impossibility. You can easily understand that it is an utter impossibility for a lady in so conspicuous a position as that of her Royal Highness to meet and know all of the persons in the city who would like to know her, or even are entitled to know her. So I would advise you to make the list of those for whom you desire a special presentation as exclusive as possible.” — The New York Times, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Of Etiquette, Olives and Sugar Tongs

In the 1600’s, fork and other flatware usage, could show “the difference between a man of the world,” and a man who did not have “the tune of the time.” A sterling combination fork and spoon for serving olives, circa 1880’s, by Gorham. Over the years, forks and combination utensils were only designed for the serving of olives. They were never designed for the eating of olives. 

And the Fork’s Acceptance 
in 17th Century Europe

“It is a piece of refined coarseness to employ the fingers instead of the fork to effect certain operations at the dinner table, and on some other similar occasions. To know how and when to follow the fashion of Eden, and when that of more civilized life, is one of the many points which distinguish a gentleman from one not a gentleman; or rather, in this case, which shows the difference between a man of the world, and one who has not ‘the tune of the time.’ 

Cardinal Richelieu detected an adventurer who passed himself off for a nobleman, by his helping himself to olives with a fork. He might have applied the test to a vast many other things. Yet, on the other hand, a gentleman would lose his reputation, if he were to take up a piece of sugar with his fingers and not with the sugar-tongs.” – The Laws of Etiquette; or, Short Rules and Reflections for Conduct in Society, 1836 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and the Blind

All people we meet need to be treated with respect and dignity, regardless of physical challenges they may face. The etiquette changes with each physical challenge, however. The blind can participate in more activities than one may think. Keep that in mind when socializing or doing business with someone who is blind.

Q. My father has just become blind, and I notice people seem to treat him differently than they used to. Could you give me some advice on how the blind should be treated? - R. V., Dallas, Texas

A. When you are introduced to a blind person he may make a small gesture to shake your hand. Make an effort to find his hand because he can't find yours. Always tell who you are. Never play “Guess who this is?” Use the blind person's name because he can't see that you are directing a remark toward him, say, “Harry, what do you think President Ford will do about oil and the economy?” You needn't raise your voice because blindness and deafness are two different things. If you want to ask the blind person a question address him and not his companion. Sighted persons often ask a man’s wife, “What does Harry like to drink?” Waitresses often make this mistake. 

If you are in a restaurant with a blind person you may want to read the menu to him. He may ask for help in cutting his meat. Follow William Goodman's suggestion in an article for “New Outlook for the Blind”; Unless you are treating, let the blind person carry his or her own check and money to the cashier. Locating food on a plate is often difficult for the newly blind. 

“The Seeing Eye” recommends that if you are serving food at home you think of the plate as the face of the clock, with meat from four to eight o'clock, vegetables from nine to twelve, and perhaps fruit from twelve to four. When you are having a blind person over for the first time, you might show him where various rooms of the house are. Make sure there are no objects on. the floor, which might trip him, and that doors aren't left ajar for the blind person to bump into. You can help a blind person sit down by guiding his hand to the seat and back of the chair. 

If you are helping a blind person walk down the street, let him hold onto your arm just above the elbow. Let him walk about a half a pace behind you. B. lind people can participate in more of your activities than you think. Some blind people go to the theatre and movies, dance, swim, skate, bowl, play board games and cards. Don't avoid a person who has gone blind. Continue to enjoy his friendship. – Maureen Elena Riordan, 1975

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

19th C. Escritoire Etiquette

“Dinner cards and menus seem to have attained the height of artistic perfection.”– A 19th Century menu card –“There are fashions in stationary, as in everything else these days, and the fashions change with the popularity of clock work. That the changes are religiously observed by the swagger woman, goes without saying.” – A “swagger woman” was one who carried herself in an arrogant, haughty, or self-important manner.

Newest Fads in My Lady's Stationery – Including the Most Popular Tints!

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If All the Modes Are Strictly Followed, it Takes a Pretty Penny to Pay the Stationer’s Bill 

NEW YORK —There are fashions in stationary, as in everything else these days, and the fashions change with the popularity of clock work. That the changes are religiously observed by the swagger woman, goes without saying. Cream, white heavy linen paper, fitted in square envelopes, octavo size is “de rigeur” for all formal correspondence; however, many tints of paper are also chosen. Robins’ egg blue and silver gray are very popular, while lavender, cafe au lait and pinks have their votaries. A smaller size than the octavo, in similar color and quality, serves for note paper. 

All formal invitations for weddings and receptions, dinner and menu cards, should be engraved upon fine white paper of exquisite satiny texture. The ornamentation, marking and decoration of the stationery serves several very distinct set forms. The address, simply engraved across the top of the sheet, the monogram in the centre, not the top, or the crest or coat of arms above, or in combination with the address, being set above it with the facsimile used occasionally, describes the prevailing modes used in marking paper. The variety, style and coloring of these different dies, form a luncrative branch of the stationer’s art and at once attests the skill and refinement which he should put into his work. Silver and gold, light green, dark olive and bronze carry the day in markings, however.

The etiquette and provision of stationery is generally turned over for attention to the ladies of the household, while the masculine mind is absorbed in matters of graver import. Dinner cards and menus seem to have attained the height of artistic perfection. For ladies of flowery taste there are cupids, bits of pink and white dimpled loveliness, poised above the card amidst fruits and flowers. The name is written below in silver or gilt; then there are butterflies, asparkle in gold and flecked in gorgeous color. These bid fair to flutter into the festivities of the winter, for all the modish importations in gowns, millinery confections and bric-a-brac reveal the gayly developed moth. – Los Angeles Herald, 1896

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Nobility and Names

 Family Coat of Arms for the House of Talleyrand-Périgord ––The House of Talleyrand-Périgord was a house of French Nobility. A well-known family member was Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Périgord (1754-1838). He achieved distinction as a French statesman and diplomat. The famous family name became extinct in 2003 upon the death of Violette de Talleyrand-Périgord. – Photo source, Wikipedia 

He Gave Up His Title to Please His Son? Or His Sons’s Ex? – Divorcées Hate to Relinquish Their Titles!

Since the divorce of the lady who was Miss Mabel Wright from Mr.Yznaga, she has called herself “Mrs. Mabel Yznaga.” This has caused some comment in New York, as Mrs. William K. Vanderbllt retains her husband’s full name. It is said that she has done this because the mother of the Duke of Marlborough still calls herself Marchioness of Blandford, which was the title his father bore at the time of his divorce. But if W. K. Vanderbilt should marry again, Mrs. W. K. Vanderbilt would have to abdicate his front name and title. 

The present Duke de Dino, while still Marquis de Talleyrand-Perigord, married Miss Curtis of Boston. When they were divorced he married Miss Stevens of New York. Both ladies call themselves “Marquise de Talleyrand-Perigord.” The situation became so awkward that the Marquis induced his father, the Duke of Dino, to give up his title to him in order to settle the situation. Mrs. Stevens then became the Duchess De Dino, while Miss Curtis was forced to cling to her shadowy divorcee title of “Marquise de Tallyrand-Perigord.” – Los Angeles Herald, 1896

👑Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Etiquette for Being Agreeable

It’s never too early for teaching an agreeable attitude, countenance and cordiality to young persons. The ability to converse with ease and fluency needs to be carefully trained and developed.

How to be Agreeable

Very rarely, if ever, young persons acquire the ability to converse with ease and fluency. This implies, first of all, good ideas, clearly and sensibly expressed. An empty mind never made a good talker; remember, “You cannot draw water out of an empty well.” Next in importance is self-possession.

“Self-possession is nine points of the law” — of good breeding. A good voice is as essential to self-possession as good ideas are essential to fluent language. The voice, from infancy, should be carefully trained and developed; a full, clear, flexible voice is one of the surest indications of good breeding; it falls like music on the ear, and while it pleases the listener, it adds to the confidence of its possessor, be he ever so timid.

One may be witty without being popular: voluble without being agreeable; a great talker and yet a great bore. It is wise, then, to note carefully the following suggestions:

• Be sincere, he who habitually sneers at everything, will not only render himself disagreeable to others, but will soon cease to find pleasure in life. 
• Be frank; a frank, open countenance and a clear, cheery laugh are worth far more, even socially, than “pedantry in a still cravat.” 
• Be amiable; you may hide a vindictive nature under a polite exterior for a time, as a cat masks its sharp claws in velvet fur, but the least provocation brings out one as quickly as the other; ill natured persons are always disliked. 
• Be sensible; society never lacks for fools. If you want elbow room, "go up higher."
• Be cheerful; if you have no great trouble on your mind, you have no right to render other people miserable by your long face and dolorous tones. It you do, you will be generally avoided. 
• But, above all, be cordial; true cordiality unites all the qualities we have enumerated.—American Agriculturist, 1888

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Etiquette for Bachelors

“Horse Show At Madison Squre Garden 1895”, by A.B. Wenzell

From the Men’s Section

Our men have, most of them, been well and correctly garbed during our horse show, and have many of them established the reputation of being excellent whips. In England at a recent “hunting breakfast” the table was wonderfully effective. Top boots held the flowers at opposite corners, a hunting cap formed the centerpiece, and was of a bright color; across it was a crop gracefully arranged. The cap had a tin lining and held “blackberries cut in long trails, hawthorn berries and shaded chrysanthemums.” The spurred boots were filled with the richest of crimson chrysanthemums and were slightly splashed with mud; horns, horseshoes and hurdles were arranged about the table in an artistic way. The designer advises that real bits, horns and shoes be always used. 

The fad of collecting old and unusual furniture and historical bits of silver is much indulged in by many of our bachelors, who show good taste in their selections. Men who have little “shooting boxes” should avoid when furnishing having too much furniture and should eschew all light and flimsy articles, having everything solid, practical and comfortable. It is nonsense to fit up a country home in city style.

At the New York Horse Show a few men showed a tendency to appear in very gay waistcoats. Tan and leather ones were popular. Ascot and Teck ties were universally seen and red prevailed, and real yellow gloves were seen in the morning, but of course, the evening saw every one in evening dress. Vogue remarks: “The collars this year are straight and standing; the all-round turned-down collar is still very popular. Otherwise everywhere there is a disposition to dress less and to avoid conventionalities, and I regret to see it. 

I shall always be an apostle of dress, and I believe firmly in its inexorable etiquette. There can be no mixing of matters. We must either dress to suit the occasion or we must abandon all hope of being considered gentlemanly. The present revolution in dress is arrant socialism. I am not in favor of it, and I shall fight against it.” – San Francisco Call, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Lai See Etiquette

Lai See Etiquette – In Chinese and other Asian societies and communities, a red envelope is a monetary gift which is given during holidays or special occasions such as weddings, graduation or the birth of a baby. Start giving Lai See on the 1st day of the Lunar New Year and finish on the 15th. You should give your lai see the first time you meet with someone during this time period. Always give (and receive) the envelopes with both-hands. Never give or receive them with just one hand. If you carry around plenty of red envelopes which are split up into different amounts, you won't get caught empty handed.

During Chinese New Year, and stretching into the following week, you may notice a flurry of red envelopes being exchanged almost everywhere you go. These fancy little red envelopes, called "lai see", are packets that contain good luck money. Giving lai see to people is a big part of Chinese New Year celebrations, so you don't want to miss out on giving (or receiving!) them in the following couple of weeks. 

But giving lai see is not like handing out candy to children on Halloween (unless you're one of those grumps who don't like giving treats to the kids without costumes). There's a set of rules you have to abide by when giving out lai see. 

Locals give out lai see like it's second nature to them, but in fact, there are different amounts distinguished for different people and people with different marital statuses and also people with different job positions. Starting to feel a little weary about this whole business? You'll get the hang of it once you understand proper lai see etiquette. 

• Lai see is bestowed from "big to small", "old to young", and "senior to junior". For example, if you are the boss or manager, you should give lai see to your employees. If you live in an apartment complex with its own management staff, you should give lai see to your security guard, cleaners, and doorman. Married couples also give to their single, younger relatives, and may give two lai see packets to each recipient (one from each spouse). If you are unmarried, you will usually only need to give one packet to each recipient. 
• You don't have to give lai see to everyone you know, but keep in mind that there is a chance you may forget somebody. People usually bring a pile of red envelopes with them whenever they go out, just in case they might bump into someone accidentally. It's best to keep a mixture of $10, $20, $50, and $100 envelopes on you to be ready at all times. The amount you put in the lai see is up to you. 
• Use this handy guide to avoid any lai see faux-pas. Don’t forget to give and receive with both hands as this is regarded as a sign of courtesy. Also, never let children give out lai sees to older folk or service staff – this is considered insulting. –From Geo Expat.com

Lunar Festival Etiquette

The Pig is the twelfth of all zodiac animals. According to one myth, the Jade Emperor said the order would be decided by the order in which they arrived to his party. Pig was late because he overslept. Another story says that a wolf destroyed his house. He had to rebuild his home before he could set off. When he arrived, he was the last one and could only take twelfth place. – From Chinesenewyear.net

In China, the Spring Festival or Lunar New Year, is the celebration of the new year determined by the lunar calendar, because the dates of celebration follow the phases of the moon. Since the mid-1990s people in China have been given seven consecutive days off work during the Chinese New Year. This week of relaxation has been designated the “Spring Festival.”

It’s not only the Chinese who observe and celebrate the Lunar New Year. In China, Vietnam and in Chinese communities around the world, annual 15-day festivals are celebrated. These begin with the new moon that occurs sometime between January 21 and February 20 according to Western calendars. Festivities last until the following full moon.

• The Lunar New Year can be rough for the young and single Chinese, especially the single women. Family reunions and celebrations are highlighted by dreaded interrogations of singles who haven't yet married and settled down. The solution? The slew of websites offering  boyfriend/girlfriend rentals. The fake boyfriend/girlfriend rental business has been growing the last few years. Singletons were forced into these rentals so parents and relatives would finally stop nagging them. Renting a bogus marriage prospect ranges from RMB 500 ($77) to 6,000 ($925) per day. Some packages come with "a free embrace, hand holding and a goodbye kiss on the cheek," as well as a list of additional specific service charges.
  
• According to CNN in parts of China, there are a few things you can and can't do over the Lunar New Year holiday – simply because of how they sound. Purchases of shoes or footware are off limits for the entire lunar month, as the term for shoes (haai) sounds like losing and sighing in Cantonese. You can however, turn the Chinese character for luck (fu) upside down to make "dao" (which sounds like arrival) and put it on your door to bring in good fortune for the new year.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Changing 19th C. British Manners

The British hostess is now available for chaperoning or engineering your house parties while you’re vacationing in England!– “Notwithstanding the decidedly radical change in British manners and customs during the last decade, the ‘insular British female’ of a certain type, still holds her own...” From The New York Tribune, 1893 Etiquipedia©: Victorians and American Manners, August 2016

From the Women’s Section 

“A woman returning from a stay in England is authority for the statement that it is not uncommon over there, for the owner of a handsome suburban residence, to receive pay for an autumn or winter house party. She will act as chaperone, if desired, or will efface herself in her own quarters, directing the management of the servants, to relieve the temporary hostess from all cares of that sort.” – Sacramento Daily Union, 1898

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Collegiate Wisdom in Etiquette

At the woman’s college, every effort will be made to secure a wise decision on points of etiquette!

From  the Women’s Section

“A course of study which was recently introduced in a woman’s college should have an excellent effect. It is that of a systematic study of manners: A council of etiquette is formed, to which mooted questions are submitted, the council not pronouncing judgment until authorities have been consulted and every effort made to secure a wise decision. Papers on relevant topics are prepared and discussed, an effort being made to remove the study from the consideration of minor arbitrary points of etiquette to the broader range of gentle breeding.” – Sacramento Daily Union, 1898

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette from “The Housekeeper”

“An invitation to a ceremonious luncheon requires as prompt attention as one to a dinner, ...” – The Housekeeper was one of the numerous Victorian era magazines, which a woman could read for up and coming fashion trends, etiquette, recipes, keeping a home and more.  

Formal Luncheons and Breakfasts

“At luncheons, walking or carriage costumes are worn and bonnets may be retained; the gloves are removed at the table,” says The Housekeeper. “Ladies should arrive twenty or thirty minutes before the hour named for luncheon, and it is polite to take leave fifteen minutes after leaving the dining room. 

An invitation to a ceremonious luncheon requires as prompt attention as one to a dinner, and whether accepted or not, a call must be made within a week, or upon the first reception day of the hostess. Invitations to a breakfast require an immediate acknowledgment and a call within ten days after the entertainment. After returning to the drawing room, guests depart within half an hour.” – Los Angeles Herald, 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Trends of 1891

“A plain round cake for the bridal party alone...” took the place of  the “remarkable structure” known as the bridal cake, which had become the societal norm, from one first look at Great Britain’s Queen Victoria’s wedding cake, to right up until that point in 1891.

New “Fashions” in Etiquette

A plain round cake for the bridal party alone takes the place nowadays of the remarkable structure once thought necessary, and known as the bridal cake. The bride eats it, and somewhere in it is the pretty ring which is to bring luck to one of the bridesmaids. A newer and approved fashion of foretelling their matrimonial fortune is to pass around to the maids, on a silver salver, a number of tiny white cakes, one of which contains the magic ring. 

Another new fancy is to have the bride’s bouquet formed of as many separate clusters as there are bridesmaids. Just before she leaves the room, after the reception, for the purpose of donning her traveling costume, the bride divides the bouquet, tossing a bunch to each bridesmaid, and the girl who catches the first is supposed to marry within the year. 

It is more than ever the fashion to send out cards by mail announcing a baby’s birth. These consist of a little card on which is engraved the infant’s name, with the date of birth just underneath, and the mother’s card inclosed in the same envelope. – Los Angeles Herald, 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia