Etiquette for Running a Tea Room

If the tea room be located in one of the popular and fashionable shopping or amusement districts, it must be accessible, that is, if it is on the top floor, it must be reached conveniently and easily by an elevator. If there is no elevator, then no matter what the location may be it should not be above the second floor. The rental of such a place is usually considerable and is the principal item of expense. The furnishings need not be expensive, but they must be neat and attractive.

TEA ROOMS AND RESTAURANTS

Tea Rooms-Catering-Fairs and Bazaars -Other Avenues

Closely associated with the General Information Bureau is what has come to be known as a tea room.

There are many tea rooms in the shopping and amusement districts of New York City. Women from distant parts of the city or from out of town, wearied by their tramping and shopping, find in these resorts a convenient place for rest and refreshment and also a rendezvous at which they may be assured of meeting their friends by appointment.

The number of these tea rooms has increased greatly and this should be regarded as an evidence of their prosperity. The expense of managing and running a tea room depends largely upon its locality and it should be stated that the locality is a vital matter in the success of the institution.

If the tea room be located in one of the popular and fashionable shopping or amusement districts, it must be accessible, that is, if it is on the top floor, it must be reached conveniently and easily by an elevator. If there is no elevator, then no matter what the location may be it should not be above the second floor. The rental of such a place is usually considerable and is the principal item of expense. The furnishings need not be expensive, but they must be neat and attractive. 

The tables, chairs and rugs should be simple, unobtrusive and an evidence of taste. The china should be of the same character and, of course, it should be china, not a make believe, and the daintier the better. The table cover and napkins should be of good material. Spoons, knives and forks if such are required, should be genuine, or if imitation, they should be so nearly like the original that only an expert could detect the difference. The tea itself, with the cream and sugar, must be of the very best quality and served in the daintiest manner possible.

Some of these tea rooms might be called restaurants, for the owners are prepared to serve the tea which gives the place its name, sandwiches to accompany the tea, and also fruits in season, ice creams, and cold drinks flavored with fruit syrups; but all this the manager of the tea room will arrange for herself, when she has learned the character of her patrons.

Another thing to be considered is the personality of the owner of the establishment. It goes without saying that she must be a lady. We do not mean to use this term in its ordinary significance, for every good woman is a lady. Just here, however, it may be well to say that the word “lady” did not originally mean a high-born person or an aristocrat, but “one who supplied bread,” and, in this connection, it is entirely applicable to the keeper of a tea room. 

This apart, she should be a woman of education, tact, warm sympathies and personal magnetism. Quite as much upon these qualifications, which go towards making the character of a true lady, will depend success as upon the tea served or the manner of serving it.

If the proprietor of the tea room be invited to talk, and she usually is, her conversation should never be about herself. Her private affairs should be kept strictly private and all her talk should be about her guests or on subjects of general interest to them.

It is surprising how many failures have come to women, otherwise entirely competent, simply because they persisted in talking about themselves. Such talk usually deals with their former position of opulence, their families, their education and the disaster that brought them to their present position of dependence.

It is unnecessary to say that a woman, no matter what her education, birth, or refinements, who talks this way, degrades herself by degrading her position, for, as we have said before, it is not the work but the worker that makes a position honorable.

The proprietor of a tea room, and the same may be said of the proprietor of any store or work that brings the owner into contact with many customers, will do well to keep herself in the back-ground. This does not imply that if the curious or interested should ask as to her antecedents, she should not answer respectfully and satisfactorily, but it does mean that she shall not introduce her private affairs to people who are not even friends, but customers and transient visitors. 

No matter how patiently people may listen to the story of our misfortunes or blasted aspirations; no matter how they may pretend to sympathize, as a matter of fact, they will leave with a feeling that they have been bored and a resolve that they will not submit themselves to such boredom again. A very wise French philosopher said that: “A bore is a person who persists in talking about himself when we wish to talk about ourselves.” —From Helpful Talks With Girls, 1910

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Boarding House Tables

Women do not require napkins as frequently as men, particularly where the men have moustaches. But in any event the napkins should be examined with care and none should be permitted to be brought to the table that is in any way soiled, even if it be used but once.

Cleanliness, of course, should be the first consideration in regard to the table. If you are charging your boarder — and we are assuming that the establishment is for the average wage-worker — from $6 to $8 a week, you cannot give them such choice of food as they would have at a first-class hotel. There may or may not be soup for dinner. There is sure to be some kind of meat, and a few vegetables, as a mainstay, and dessert, with tea and coffee on which to finish. No matter how well these things are cooked, if they are not well served, they will not be enjoyed by the ordinary man and woman of refinement. 

The table cloth should always be clean, as should the napkins which are served to each guest. Of course, it is not required that each guest should have a clean napkin for every meal as at a hotel; here each should have an individual napkin ring, and this article may serve for one or two days, depending altogether upon the person. Women do not require napkins as frequently as men, particularly where the men have moustaches. But in any event the napkins should be examined with care and none should be permitted to be brought to the table that is in any way soiled, even if it be used but once.

One of the most successful boarding-house keepers, in a small way, that we have met, is very careful about her table linen, In addition to this, she has always in the center of the main table, and on some of the smaller ones, a bouquet of flowers. These flowers are not artificial, nor are they the best that can be purchased at the florist's. As a rule, they are good, homely garden flowers, bright and pleasant to the eye. They not only decorate the table, but they also have an influence upon the boarders, a refining influence that tends to give the table a homelike appearance, and to recall the past when a mother presided at the board. — From Helpful Talks with Girls, 1910

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wearing Gloves While Drinking Tea

Note: Etiquipedia does not condone the following advice regarding the vulgar and pretentious behavior described while taking tea, and this is the first time in decades of research when she has seen the subject so flippantly been advised upon! – “In taking tea a lady may retain her gloves or not, exactly as she chooses. Many buttoned gloves are a nuisance to take off and put on again, and many ladies shirk the trouble. On the other band, fastidious people dislike greasing or soiling a glove which they must continue to wear in that unsightly condition till the end of the entertainment and prefer to remove the glove before eating rich cake or bread and butter.” Oh puhleez!

Points That Make an Afternoon “At Home” Agreeable Guests and Hostess

Introductions at “At homes” must vary according to the tact and judgment of the hostess. They are never general, but if she sees two strangers standing next each other, with no acquaintance near to speak to, she should, as a general rule, make them known to each other in an informal way. She must exercise judgment, however, for the neighbors of a moment may be permanent foes. 

Nothing may be further from the desire of either than a mutual acquaintance. In such a case the hostess, in making them known to each other, has conferred anything but a favor upon either friend. People who are acquaint1ed with each other naturally converse on these occasions, and gentlemen offer to escort ladies to the tearoom without waiting for any prompting from their hostess.

Ladies move about from place to place and from one room to another, speaking to their friends. There is no formality about the entertainment, and a hostess is grateful to those of her guests who help the afternoon to go off well and amuse everybody. 

The hostess’ own hands and those of her daughters are generally so full, if it is at all a large gathering, with trying to entertain people and distribute notice impartially among all that she is delighted if her guests will relieve her of some part of her burden and not stand or sit like marble statues or like bored specimens of humanity, which is even more annoying.

In taking tea a lady may retain her gloves or not, exactly as she chooses. Many buttoned gloves are a nuisance to take off and put on again, and many ladies shirk the trouble. On the other band, fastidious people dislike greasing or soiling a glove which they must continue to wear in that unsightly condition till the end of the entertainment and prefer to remove the glove before eating rich cake or bread and butter.

People stand or sit about the room, their cups or ice plates in their hands. It is better not to remain too close to the table or buffet, as by so doing other guests are prevented from approaching, and the space becomes inconveniently crowded. As soon as the guests have finished their refreshments they should return from the tearoom to the drawing room and give place to others who may wish to follow. – The Expositor, 1896

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Chinese Etiquette at Home, 1901

“What is considered vulgar in England is considered polite in China, for during the meal the guest must smack her lips to show the meal is appreciated… The older she is the more admirable will she appear in the eyes of her hostess, for youth in China does not gain much respect.” –Photo of a Chinese Dragon at a 4th of July Parade in Marysville, California, 1910 – Image source Etiquipedia private library

VISITING IN CHINA:

CEREMONIALS THAT ARE PROPER ON SUCH OCCASIONS

The Duties of Hostess and Guests Are Intricate, and the Etiquette Smacks of Hypocrisy-The Houses and Their Furnishings

All Chinese houses are hidden from passersby in the street by high, blank walls, while on each side of the entrance are the stables and the apartments set apart for the gatekeeper and other servants. In China, the mule takes the place of the horse, and near the door of the courtyard a well groomed, well fed mule will generally be found hitched to an iron ring in the wall, this being the animal which the master either rides or harnesses to his cart. 

When a visitor is expected after accepting an invitation, if the hostess and her daughter-in-law are not in waiting to receive the guests, there are sure to be half a dozen women servants, while the family will be in waiting in the court beyond. They will be dressed in their finest apparel, rich silks, magnificently embroidered, with the hair elaborately dressed and adorned with jewels, and bearing rich silver and gilt fans, also much decked with jewels. 

On entering, the guest addresses the mother-in-law first and afterward the other ladies. The visitor, if a woman, is welcomed in the Chinese fashion - by placing one closed hand upon the other and moving it up and down. If the children have been brought out for inspection, as is very generally the case, they will be drawn up in line and will greet the visitor with a pretty and graceful courtesy.

As a rule, Chinese children will be found extremely pleasing and attractive, their quaint and fascinating little dresses, jackets and trousers, which suit their dark skins and bright eyes so admirably, lending much to the general, happy effect. A Chinese household is a community in which the parents are the head, over which the mother rules with a rod of iron. 

Each son must bring his wife to his mother's house on his marriage, and he must there remain with his growing family. Until she is fortunate enough to give birth to a son the position of the daughter-in-law is very much like that of an upper servant, her life being frequently one of the greatest misery. 

The best rooms of the houses face the south, and these are occupied by the mother-in-law, she having usually a suite of apartments, with reception, dining and bed rooms, which are separated by handsomely carved screens. The flooring is of brick or stone and uncovered, this being even the case in the Emperor's palaces. What is more, it is seldom clean and is made the repository for all sorts of rubbish, being carefully swept, however, when a visitor is expected.

In the reception room of a well to do Chinese house a handsome table is usually found placed against the wall opposite the door, with a chair on each side, while around are cabinets filled with bronze and porcelain. In the bedroom a k'aug, or “oven bed”, occupies more than half the space, and on this bed the Chinese woman spends more than half her existence, sewing, eating and gossiping thereon, and at each end of this bedstead are carved wardrobes. 

The dining room is separated from the reception room by a solid wall and not by screens, as in the other apartments, while it must be reached by going out of doors, although it is under the same roof. The furniture consists of a high. square table, with two or more polished and none too comfortable looking chairs, side tables for the serving of the many dishes which go to form the meal, and upon the wall inscriptions in Chinese characters.

On the threshold the hostess steps on one side and entreats her guest to enter, which the latter, to be polite, must strenuously refuse, requesting her hostess to precede her. This little bit of Chinese etiquette can be prolonged for some time, when of course the guest enters first, as was originally intended. She is then conducted to the place of honor, this being the chair at the right of the table, which she must at first refuse, repeating the previous meaningless performance, ending by occupying the place. 

Pipes are then brought in, but if the visitor is a foreigner and does not smoke, the hostess foregoes her accustomed puff. Presently tea is brought in, clear as amber, flavored with flowers and served without sugar or cream. With it are served delicate small cakes, sweetmeats, candied fruits, red fruit marmalade pressed into small squares and walnuts browned in hot oil and dipped in sirup. 

What is considered vulgar in England is considered polite in China, for during the meal the guest must smack her lips to show the meal is appreciated. Very few are educated, the great majority being able to neither write nor read. Probably first of all the guest will be asked her age, for the Chinese ask the most pointed and personal questions. The older she is the more admirable will she appear in the eyes of her hostess, for youth in China does not gain much respect. 

The hostess will then want to know if her parents are living, how many brothers and sisters she has, and from these inquiries will pass on to dress, any peculiarities in the visitor's toilet being carefully noted, and the jewelry, lace and ribbons are religiously examined and admired, all that the visitor possesses being extravagantly praised and the belongings of the hostess correspondingly depreciated. 

At the close of the visit the latter will insist upon accompanying her visitor to the outer court, which of course she must be implored not to do, but which she does in the end, all the same, finally shaking hands Chinese fashion, after which the visitor enters her cart and drives away. – London Household Words, 1901

  

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Hat Etiquette for Swedish Men of 1897

Hats, from the late 19th century to the mid 20th century, were an essential part of men’s wardrobes from all walks of life. Hats could range from the very practical, as in protection from the elements…  to the more decorative, worn for dress and showing off one’s sartorial style.

Etiquette in Sweden

In Sweden if you address the poorest person on the street you must lift your hat. The same courtesy is insisted upon if you pass a lady on the stairway. To enter a reading room or a bank with one's hat on is regarded as impolite. — Chico Record, 1897

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Ruling Etiquette at the Petit Trianon

In order to give the reader a more adequate idea of the beautiful surroundings of the pretty little palace of the “Petit Trianon” one must go back to the magnificence of Versailles, trace it down from the time of Louis XIV through the restored Bourbons in their endeavors to replace the vestiges of ancient royalty…

The Petit Trianon

The Favorite Resort of 

Queen Marie Antoinette of France

In order to give the reader a more adequate idea of the beautiful surroundings of the pretty little palace of the “Petit Trianon” one must go back to the magnificence of Versailles, trace it down from the time of Louis XIV through the restored Bourbons in their endeavors to replace the vestiges of ancient royalty; Napoleon, in the plenitude of his power; Louis Philippe in his restoration and augmentation of the material glories of Versailles; Napoleon III in his attempts to enact the part of a “Grand Monarque”; the translation of the Palace of Versailles into the “Musee Historique”; the gardens and the park; the Orangerie; Parterre d’Eau; Basin of the Pyramids; Baths of Diana; Basin de Neptune; Basin de Dragon; the Tapis Vert with its Basin d’Apollon; the Labyrinth; Bosquet de la Reine the Grand Trianon.

The Grand Trianon is simply an elaboration of the Trianon of Porcelain. It is the chateau made famous by being the place where the trial of Marshal Bazaine took place in 1873. To its left is the pretty palace of the “Petit Trianon.” It is a handsome edifice, of a smiling aspect, quite small, and more like a gentleman’s country residence than a royal palace. Louis XV built it to please Mme. DuBarry, and often went there to forget the annoyances of that royalty of France which was so heavy when was idle. In the dining-room it more than once happened that Louis XV, urged to it by the vivacity of the discourse, was obliged to strike upon the table, saying, “The King, gentlemen.” Suddenly, each one would return to the attitude of respect.

Another time, in a moment of good humor, Louis XV gave a box on the ear to M. de Richelieu, who was seated at his right hand. He was certainly in a delicate position. What should he do? How should he behave? How prevent himself from being vexed and looking red? And, on the other hand, how receive such an affront without complaining? M. de Richelieu recovered from his astonishment and gave the blow to his next neighbor, saying, “The King wishes it to pass around!” The blow passed, but we have yet to understand how the gentleman who was seated on the King’s left hand extricated himself from the difficulty.

Louis XV gave the Petit Trianon to Marie Antoinette, and it became her favorite residence. To this turf, which she pressed with so light a step, the Queen of France came to forget the ennui and etiquette of royal majesty. Once at the Petit Trainon, the lovely Queen felt more happy. All her diadem was the flowers of her garden; she held, with a joyous hand, the light crook; in her Swiss dairy, which is still standing on the banks of a little brook, she herself prepared – with such delightful awkwardness – the milk of her cows! Poor Queen! How much she must afterward have regretted the sun, the waters, the flowers, the cream, and the strawberries, the sheep and the heifers of the Petit Trianon. – The San Francisco Call, 1891

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

When British Society Turned East

“Japanese guests are essential. Smart young bachelors, from the east say, with a slow oriental smile of gratification, that they are in such continual request that they have hardly one evening a month, to spare for their clubs.”

English Japanese Fad…

British Functions Are Now À la Tokio

LONDON, Dec. 17. —Japan's latest victory is the capture of London's society. During the present winter no function can lay claim to being really smart unless it is embellished with things Japanese.

Japanese guests are essential. Smart young bachelors, from the east say, with a slow oriental smile of gratification, that they are in such continual request that they have hardly one evening a month, to spare for their clubs.

Hostesses do not undertake the giving of a Japanese dinner lightly. Often many hours have to be spent with the smart young bachelors, discussing the latest dishes and studying Japanese table etiquette. Each guest sits at a separate “ozen” or table. 

The following is a typical menu:

Simmono

Sashimi

Yakizakana

Umani

Sunornono

Kuchitori

Mushimono or Chawanmushi

Shiru

Kanomono

Chawan

Ocha

Appended is a brief explanation of the dishes:

• Simmono- Soup, made from fish, meat and vegetables, served in covered china bowl.
• Sashimi-Fish cut in pieces of about an inch square and served with vegetables and Japanese sauce. 
• Yakisakana- Roast fish served on porcelain plate. Umani-Chopped chicken or beef, with vegetables, served in small bowl.
• Sunomono- Salad, consisting of small pieces of pickled fish and minced vegetables, served in small dish.
• Kuchitori- Chief dish, consisting of poultry, kintou (nuts, cooked potatoes and sugar) and kamaboke (specially prepared rice).
• Mushimono- Mixture of chicken, eggs. and vegetables, cooked with soup. (These are placed fresh into a bowl and cooked by steam.)
• Shiru-Soup made from peas and wheat, served in lacquered bowl, when simmono is finished.
• Kanomono-Pickled vegetables.
• Chawan- Boiled rice.
• Ocha-Tea served during and after dinner.

Each guest is provided with paper serviettes and a pair of chopsticks. There are no spoons. — Special Cable to The Herald, 1904

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Good Breeding in Hair Fashions

The woman who is about to make a radical change in the style of dressing her hair should bear in mind that her coiffure betrays good sense, good taste and good breeding – or the reverse. Before giving final instructions to the hair dresser, or her maid, she should diligently consider her years, the shape of her face and the prevailing modes in coiffures, in exactly the order named. – From left to right: Grand-Mother’s Comb, Rose Garniture of Ribbons, Choux of White Tulle, Langtry Knot and Ribbon Garniture, Ribbon Choux and Tea Rose Buds

Hair Dressing Index… Good Sense, Good Taste and Good Breeding

IN NO way does the average American woman show more clearly that she is an extremist than in the blind manner in which she follows the decrees of Madame La Mode.

Madame La Mode lays down general rules. The feminine world applies them individually. Madame La Mode says that the pompadour is the thing, and straightway her idolatrous followers of twenty or twenty-five years of age, whom social duties have aged a bit, achieve a pompadour and look like grande dames, when they should still possess many of the gentle characteristics of the young girl.

Now that Madame La Mode has announced her preference for hair dressed low on the neck, with “sweetly girlish” coiffure garnitures, the woman of fifty, who should look the grande dame, appears in public with the girlish knot at the nape of her neck, and ribbon violets trailing amid locks where touches of gray begin to show.

The woman who is about to make a radical change in the style of dressing her hair should bear in mind that her coiffure betrays good sense, good taste and good breeding – or the reverse. Before giving final instructions to the hair dresser, or her maid, she should diligently consider her years, the shape of her face and the prevailing modes in coiffures, in exactly the order named.

No young girl should make the contour of her face harder by dressing her hair severely, and no middle-aged woman should imagine that girlish hair dressing will remove the finger-marks of time. Both should study the happy medium, not the extremes. 

The extreme pompadour is doomed, for which let us be properly grateful; but this is no sign that the soft, loosely arranged pompadour, so becoming to the long, oval face, should be eschewed by the woman in the flush of maturity. The latest style dictates that the pompadour extends full over the ears, giving the face a rounder look. 

The hair is no longer brushed slick and tight, but is softly waved in three large waves, which encircle the head. This coiffure, known in the sixties as Le Grande Dame, is extremely becoming to the elderly woman with silvery or white hair. The waves may be kept in place by side and back combs of tortoise or encircle the head.

The Langtry knot is once more enjoying a vogue. This involves the parting of the hair above the forehead, back, to the crown, of the head, and softly, waving it on either side. The hair is then combed straight back, twisted firmly and coiled into three knots. The center knot comes directly on the nape of the neck, and the lower one should not extend more than half an inch below the bottom of the collar.

For horseback riding, and even for walking, some women, who aim to copy their smart English sisters, use the net for keeping the knot in place, but the average American woman does not consider the hair net a chic accessory. 

For evening wear, young girls adopt a compromise. The hair in the front is made into a soft, waved pompadour, and in the back it is knotted à la Langtry. This involves much care in smoothing the hair between pompadour and knot, and in the arrangement of the garnitures and ornaments. 

Garlands, wreaths of flowers made from satin and liberty silk, daintiest of artificial blooms, maiden-hair ferns, and knots of soft ribhon or tulle are appropriate for young girls. Even in the selection of flowers for dressing the hair a woman considers her age. A young girl should have forget-me- nots, tiny rose buds, almond blossoms.

A middle-aged woman will find the exquisite tints of the orchid particularly suited to her coiffure. The best-dressed, women of middle age avoid hair ornaments, such rhinestone, pearl or turquoise stud: combs and clasps on the street simplest of tortoise side and back combs are preferred. 

For evening or house wear, a beautiful style of dressing the hair necessitates the use of the enormous tortoise-shell combs, which have been packed in attics since grandmother’s days. The pompadour is parted in the center, to show the gleaming tortoise shell above it and no flowers should worn with this style of comb. The woman of thirty-five or forty will find the gauzy floral arrangement youthful in their effects, yet giving dignity to her carriage. – San Diego Union and Daily Bee, 1904

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Diplomatic Decision in 17981

G.W. Parke Custis was the grandson of Martha Washington, First Lady and wife of President George Washington. His father John was the stepson of George Washington. – Public domain image of G. W. Parke Custis from the National Portrait Library

G. Washington, Marechal de France…

An interesting bit of history was told me lately by a descendant of G. W. Parke Custis. It seems that when, in 1781, the United States sent to France a special Embassador some difficulty arose between him and the French government as to the command of the combined armies.

Colonel Laurens, the Embassador, stated very firmly that George Washington, our chief, must command, “for it is our cause, and the battle on our soil.” The etiquette of the foreign government, however, exclaimed: “C'est impossible!” for here was Count Rochambeau, an old lieutenant general, who could only be commanded by the King in person or a Marechal de France.

The American wit of Colonel Laureus flashed upon the situation a happy thought. He said: “Make our Washington a Marechal de France and the difficulty is at an end.” It was done. Mr. Custis continues that a friend of his heard General Washington spoken of as Monsieur le Marechal at the siege of Yorktown.

I have heard that in some southern home there is a treasure, held beyond price - even the antiquity hunter's price, and he who aspires to buy the bones of his ancestors - an ancient porcelain mug, on which is painted an effigy of of Washington on horseback, and underneath is this inscription: “George Washington, Esq.. General in Chief of the United States Army and Marshal of France.”- Wide Awake, 1892

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Visit with the Khedive’s Wives

Khedive was the title of the viceroy of Egypt under Turkish rule 1867–1914. — Public domain image of Ismāíl Pasha, Khedive in 1892
 

A Notable Visit

As a special privilege we were allowed to visit the three Princesses, wives of the Khedive. We had been admonished to wear our best clothes, and if possible to avoid black, as the Egyptians are very superstitious about visits from people wearing that hue. Fortunately, we could overcome that objection. We were also told to wear all our jewelry, which was not a very laborious thing to do. So we went, and a row of black eunuchs stood before the door of the palace. Two of them helped us to alight. Having crossed the threshold we found ourselves in a little world of women, where one man has only the right to come. 

Here cigarettes were brought us, which etiquette required us to accept. A whiff or two quite satisfied our entertainers. We were presently introduced into the presence of the three wives, of whom the third one, also much the youngest and prettiest, spoke French tolerably. After shaking hands with each in turn we were invited to take seats, and chibouks were brought us, whose length reached from our mouths to the carpet. I was obliged to take one puff of the tobacco, which caused me to cough with some violence. Then we had coffee brought in porcelain cups, the stand for each cup being richly set with diamonds. Then, with profound courtesy, we took our leave. 

In the great hall below, several attendants brought us beautiful bowls of porcelain set with diamonds filled with sour-sweet drink, which we were afterward told was sherbet. These women also carried napkins with golden fringes. Then our carriage was brought to the door. The eunuchs helped us to get into it, our “dais” or footman ran on before, and we drove away. – Placer Argus, 1879

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Queen Broke a Pleasing Custom

Queen Victoria is said to be very unpopular in Brighton, on the grounds that when there in the beginning of her reign she put a stop to a pleasing custom established by her Royal uncles and predecessors.– A color photo from the 1897 Jubilee of Queen Victoria. It's a shame her bonnet was hidden under a parasol… Photo source, Daily Mail

No More Free Lunch Under Queen Victoria

Queen Victoria is said to be very unpopular in Brighton, on the grounds that when there in the beginning of her reign she put a stop to a pleasing custom established by her Royal uncles and predecessors. Under George IV and William IV, messengers, porters and others going to the pavilion, were always sure of a free snack and a drop of beer in the royal “pantry.” Victoria, like a thrifty housewife, made an end of this and got furiously hissed for it in the streets. – The Placer Argus, 1879

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for Japan’s Dining Rooms

Table etiquette of 1895 had “elaborate rules, which high-bred ladies and gentlemen must strictly follow.” —A late 19th century collectible cigarette card, honoring “Flower Day” in Japan.

The Japanese Dining Room

In Japan the family never gathers around one table as the European or other Asian people do, but each person has his or her own separate small table, a foot square and a foot high, and always highly decorated. When they take their meals they kneel upon the mat, each taking his table before him. 

The little lacquered table generally contains a small porcelain bowl, heaped up with deliciously cooked rice, and several lacquered wooden bowls containing soup or meat, and numbers of little porcelain plates with fish, radishes and the like. 

The way of cooking of course is entirely different from the European. Two pretty chop sticks, made of lacquered bamboo or wood, silver or ivory, are used, instead of knife, fork and spoon, and all people use them with great skill. 

All foods are prepared in the kitchen, so as to avoid any trouble to use knife and fork. Soup is to be drunk from the bowl by carrying it to the mouth by hand, in the same way as people drink tea or coffee. 

Table etiquette has elaborate rules, which high-bred ladies and gentlemen must strictly follow. A maid servant always waits, kneeling at a short distance, before a clean pan of boiled rice, with lacquered tray, on which she receives and delivers the bowls for replenishing them. 

Fragrant green tea is always used at the end of the meal, but sugar and cream never. — Placer Argus, 1895

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Eating Bananas

If you are not given a fruit knife and fruit fork… “one may turn the skin back part of the way and hold the fruit in her fingers if she chooses, without shocking the proprieties.” – What Have We Here?  A sterling, gilded age banana server variation, with a matte gilded finish on the bowl and tines. One may get as formal as one likes when it comes to serving fruits at the table.

Charming Fruit Manners

“She has such charming fruit manners,” said a girl of a famous belle. “She doesn't know it, but she dips her strawberries in the powdered sugar, or holds her banana at breakfast, as if they were roses or violets You forget that eating is a material process, and are sure it is poetry. 

“I had seen so many people eat their bananas with a knife and fork that I looked for banana etiquette. I found that one may turn the skin back part of the way and hold the fruit in her fingers if she chooses, without shocking the proprieties.” – San Diego Union and Daily Bee, 29 May 1904

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette: French Marriage Milestones

For a Silver Anniversary, “The lady is again called the bride, and her toilet is superb, supposing her position in the world justifies it. The flowers which she is expected to wear are large white ox eyes - known in France as reines marguerites. The bridegroom wears a dress coat.” – An1880’s Bridal Set. Design by M. Benoit (23, rue Royale), Drawing by L. Mesnil

Silver marriages are very pleasing festivals in France. When a couple have completed twenty-five years of married life the event is celebrated with all the show of joy and festivity possible. In the first place, there is a religious ceremony in church, which has a good deal of the outward forım of a genuine wedding. The lady is again called the bride, and her toilet is superb, supposing her position in the world justifies it. The flowers which she is expected to wear are large white ox eyes - known in France as reines marguerites. The bridegroom wears a dress coat. The pair are surrounded by their children and grandchildren- if there are any. All relations are invited, for a grand family muster is considered essential. 

A dinner is given, followed by a ball, which is opened by the newly remarried couple, the lady dancing with her eldest son and her husband with his eldest daughter. Golden weddings are much rarer than silver weddings. Death only allows a very small proportion of married people to live fifty years together. The ceremony is the same as in the case of silver weddings. There are now great-grandchildren as well as grandchildren present, and the old people open the ball with the eldest of the last generation of their decendants. -Paris Co. Boston Transcript, 1887

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Noble and Royal Etiquette

Etiquette enjoins many formal customs on the great. It requires, for example, that no one shall it in presence of the Queen while she is standing, or remain covered where she is. There is only one exception to the latter rule. There is an Irish Lord who, because of some deed of an ancestor calling forth Royal gratitude, inherits the privilege to keep his hat on in presence of Royalty.

English Etiquette and an Irish Lord 

It is said that when Gen. Grant was in London recently, and went to dinner at the Prince of Wales, he was obliged to go out to the table behind the titled Nobility. English etiquette, it is declared, requires that an untitled foreigner, however eminent, should give precedence, as it is called, to Englishmen of rank. Whether this is true or not, it is certain that etiquette is carried to a great extreme in England, as in other European countries. The structure of society is such that men and women of rank think it of importance that they should be formally honored wherever they may be, not only before those who are without rank, but those persons who hold a rank inferior to their own.

This etiquette runs through nearly all phases and even nearly all grades of English society; in the private mansion, in receptions at Court, in the Army and Navy, in official and diplomatic circles, and also to some extent among the mercantile and middle classes. At a dinner-party, for instance, the hostess on repairing to the table always claims the arm of the guest highest in rank present. A member of the Royal family always comes first; then a Duke, a Marquis, an Earl and so on. The rest of the guests go out in the order of their rank, the one of the lowest rank going out last.

This rigid rule is, however, sometimes relaxed in favor of a guest in whose special honor the dinner may be given. In such cases the hostess leads this guest out, even before persons of a higher rank than himself; and however it may have been at the Prince of Wales, it is probable that Gen. Grant was usually accorded this honor when he went as the guest of an English house. 

There is an official table which decides the precedence of each of the Royal family, the Nobility and the great officers of state; and this table determines how the company shall be placed on all public occasions, and in what order they shall walk or drive in processions and stage pageants.

According to this "table of precedence," the Sovereign comes first; then all her sons in order of birth; then all her daughters in the same order; then her grand-children in the same order; finally her uncles, aunts and cousins. After the Royal family the Archbishop of Canterbury holds the highest rank of precedence; then the Lord High Chancellor; then the Archbishop of York; then Dukes, then Marquises and so on. 

Etiquette enjoins many formal customs on the great. It requires, for example, that no one shall it in presence of the Queen while she is standing, or remain covered where she is. There is only one exception to the latter rule. There is an Irish Lord who, because of some deed of an ancestor calling forth Royal gratitude, inherits the privilege to keep his hat on in presence of Royalty. No one, also, must address the Queen until she speaks to him or her first.

A lady of rank who goes shopping in London will never allow herself to be seen carrying a parcel from the shop to her carriage. This is always done by the shopkeeper, who crosses the pavement, head bare, and deposits the parcel. No lady of rank carries her prayer-book to church. Her footman goes before her with it, and opens and closes the pew door. These are but examples of the minute things in which etiquette imposes its law. A breach of any of the rules of etiquette, a forgetfulness what to wear or how to act at the proper moment, is regarded by English society as a very grave offense.

So despotic are the laws of etiquette in high European society that often the peace of nations has been imperiled by a neglect to treat a Prince, a Nobleman or an ambassador with the required formality. There was serious trouble in the English Royal family when the Duchess of Edinburgh, the daughter of the Czar, went to live among them, and insisted on “taking precedence” of the Princess of Wales. According to the English rule of etiquette she was obliged to do so; but she insisted that the daughter of a Russian Emperor ought to walk before the daughter of a King of Denmark.

An amusing story is told of a certain King of Spain who was one day discovered by somebody to be on fire. This somebody had no right to touch the King. So he hastened to the Chamberlain, and the Chamberlain to the Marshal, and the Marshal to the Steward, and the Steward to the Groom of the Bed-Chamber, whose duty it was to take care of the Royal person. While these formalities of etiquette were being gone through with, however, the poor King burned up. – Youth's Companion, January 1878

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Unique Opportunity for Our Readers

Join Etiquipedia Site Editor, Maura J. Graber, and Contributor, Elizabeth Soos, for a Unique Online Opportunity in April!

Dining Etiquette: Where Etiquette Meets History… 

Traditions, Manners, and Modern Insight

When? Friday, 25th of April, 2025

Time: 1:30pm - 3:30pm PDT 

Online Event: Zoom

Type: Group

Course Overview:

Join us for a unique opportunity to enhance your etiquette knowledge and have your questions answered. Author, teacher and etiquette historian, Maura J. Graber will be joining Elizabeth Soós of Auersmont Etiquette for an online seminar in which they plan to enlighten, educate and entertain with the true reasons our dining etiquette rules exist, the history of the rules and the backstories behind them.

Course Contents:

This 2 hour course is designed for individuals of all backgrounds and professions, especially those in the field of etiquette! Attendees to this online seminar will discover how increasing one’s knowledge of etiquette can assist in making one more prosperous in business and social endeavours. We live in a world of many “Whys.” Why not join in the discussion?

Questions Which Need Answers:

Please submit any questions you have about dining etiquette, as the course will be tailored to address them. Please be as specific as possible in your questions. All questions must be submitted by April 15, 2025, via this link: Google Forms https://forms.gle/DXbMfA3LFvsc...

Examples of questions: 

What practical reasons lie behind the specific materials used in utensils for serving or spreading one’s caviar? 

When did handles appear on tea, chocolate or coffee cups? Some etiquette professionals say handles were not placed on cups before the early 1800's, but others say this is wrong.

Why is it best to keep one’s elbows off of the table? Was this ever an actual etiquette rule? Why was it taught?

If I have utensils above the plate for dessert, does it matter which utensil is placed above or below the other utensil? I read the spoon needs to go above the fork. Is this true?

Course Curriculum:

• Introduction 'Where Etiquette Meets History'
• Module 01: Understanding the Differences Between Etiquette & Manners 
• Module 02: Popular Etiquette Myths and Troubling Trends 
• Module 03: Understanding Table Ware 
• Module 04: Navigation of a Multi Course Meal, the Place Setting & Utensils 
• Conclusion: Concluding Remarks and Question Period with Participants

Certificates:
Certificate of completion - Digital certificate included.

Accessing Course Recordings for Review:
Do you have a scheduling conflict? You can always watch it at your leisure another time. A link will be sent to you a few days after the seminar.

As a beginner, is this event suitable for me?:
Beginners are welcome, and we hope that you enjoy the event.

Event pricing:
Pricing will be set as AUD - Australian dollar.

Where are my course emails? And will I be notified about the course before it starts?:

Please check your spam, or other folders that your email account might have forwarded to. We send a series of emails via Humanitix every week leading up to the event.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of “Japanese Service”

As for European table setting, here the Japanese are more focused on beauty. Often, when serving French or English, special stands for forks and knives are used, thus trying to adapt European table setting to Japanese reality: so that cutlery, like chopsticks, does not touch the table.

Japanese Food Service

The Japanese are known for their long lives. This is due to both their lifestyle and traditional Japanese cuisine. The history of Japanese cuisine dates back to the Jōmon era - the Neolithic period, up to 400 BC. In those distant times, the inhabitants of the Japanese islands ate mostly vegetarian food. These days, the Japanese prefer natural, minimally processed foods. When cooking, few seasonings are used and they are rarely fried. They try to follow a meal schedule. At the same time, table setting and food culture are important.

The lifestyle in Japan is harmony with the outside world, therefore, dishes served at the Japanese table must correspond to the time of year. The Japanese are confident that during all four seasons it is necessary, first of all, to consume those products that nature itself bestows at this time. It’s spring now, which means the diet includes plants with a bitter taste, such as young bamboo, in the summer - vegetables and shrimp, in the fall - lotus roots, sweet peppers and mushrooms, and in the winter - Japanese smelt fish, which is plentiful during the spawning period.

Flowers decorating rooms should also correspond to the time of year. Therefore, now it is customary to decorate with a blooming plum, literally, a week later - with sakura, for example, in June, during the rainy season - with hydrangea with beautiful blue or soft purple flowers, at the end of June - with roses.

Note the lack of a Western tradition of using serving utensils in one color and style. If you wish, of course, you can buy a set with many bowls, various plates and saucers, but this is not a requirement of good form.

Serving rules:
I live in Japan, and I can say that Japanese manners are distinguished by restraint and grace. They value politeness in foreign guests, especially when the latter show interest and respect for Japanese table traditions. Japanese table setting is quite remarkable, I would call it a kind of work of art. There are special rules and characteristics of serving.

First of all, I would like to note the lack of a Western tradition of using serving utensils in one color and style. If you wish, of course, you can buy a set with many bowls, various plates and saucers, but this is not a requirement of good form. Dishes can be made from completely different materials: porcelain, wood, and even plastic.

The most important thing is an aesthetic and always successful color combination. Alternating dark and light tones or red and black is encouraged. The shape of the dishes can also be alternated, for example, round with square, square with triangular, oval with rectangular, etc… Rice is usually served in dark dishes - think dark brown or black - so that it sets off the whiteness of the rice. Wooden stands are usually used to serve sushi.

Sake is served in small jugs (decanters) without handles, and drunk from small glass, porcelain or wooden shot glasses. The name of small jugs is tokkuri. A tokkuru is strictly a serving tool. Sake is transferred from the bottle to the tokkuri, then poured in the drinking vessel. Green tea is always offered in small teapots before meals. The Japanese offer tea before meals, during meals, and after.

The place of each participant in the feast should be separated - for this they use beautiful trays or napkins. Only those dishes that will be eaten by one person are placed in this place. Shared dishes are placed in the center of the table. 

Chopsticks are closest to the person sitting. They lie parallel to the edge of the table on special stands - hasioki, so that the tips with which they take food do not touch the table. This rule is very rigid and is strictly observed everywhere. A bowl of hot rice is placed behind the chopsticks on the left.

To the right of the bowl of rice is a bowl of soup. Further to the right, but behind the bowl of soup, the main dish is placed, cooked over low heat. Often these are baked fish or meat. On the left, behind the bowl of rice, there is a dish with vegetables, usually boiled. Between these two rows of dishes there can be containers with sauces and small dishes with pickled vegetables, fish and snacks.

In Japan, it is important that the setting corresponds to the time of year or holiday that is celebrated in a particular month. Special New Year’s table settings are very popular. Japan is a country with a pronounced seasonal culture; its residents very carefully preserve the tradition of adjusting their daily life to this or that time of year.

Not only dishes prepared from seasonal products are served at the table, but some element characteristic of the given time of year is always added to the serving. When the cherry blossoms bloom, both the food and the table design will use motifs of cherry blossoms and branches.

As for European table setting, here the Japanese are more focused on beauty. Often, when serving French or English, special stands for forks and knives are used, thus trying to adapt European table setting to Japanese reality: so that cutlery, like chopsticks, does not touch the table.

We can say that for the Japanese, a meal is a journey into the world of beauty and harmony, which is why elegance, grace and tradition are so important in table setting.

                                                                    

By contributor, Elena Gavrilina-Fujiyama especially for Etiquipedia. Elena is a specialist in Japanese protocol and etiquette, and European social etiquette. The founder of the project Etiquette748, Elena is also a member of the National Association of Specialists of Protocol. She authored the best-selling book “Japanese Etiquette: Ancient Traditions and Modern Rules” after living in Japan for over 20 years. Elena recently was awarded the Diploma of the World Prize “Woman of the Russian World” in the category “Entrepreneurship” (Japan). The theme of the 2024 award is “Preservation and strengthening of the traditional family values.” 

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Wedding Etiquette & Rituals

A gilded age wedding party of 1897 – At the altar the groom, if he is a millionaire, makes his wife his equal by saying: “With all my worldly goods I thee endow;” but until he has uttered these words she has no claim on his purse for clothes or cards, or household furnishing, or anything but those articles that come under the head of such gifts as it is a lover’s privilege to make.

Duties and Preparations of Contracting Parties

The etiquette of weddings is remotely founded on the early savage history of mankind and which bears fruit in our later and more complex civilization, still reminding us of the past. In early and in savage days the man sought his bride heroically and carried her off by force. It is still a theory that the bride is thus carried off. Thus the long-cherished theory bears fruit in the English ceremonial, where the only carriage furnished by the groom is one in which he drives the bride away to the spending of the honey-moon. 

Up to that time he has had no rights of proprietorship. Even this is not allowed in America among fashionable people, the bride's father sending them in his own carriage on the first stage of their journey. It is not etiquette for the groom to furnish anything for his own wedding but the ring and a bouquet for for the the bride, presents for the bridesmaids and the best man, and some token to the ushers. He pays the clergyman.

He should not pay for the cards, the carriages and entertainments, or anything connected with the wedding. This is decided in the high court of etiquette. This is the province of the bride's family and should be insisted upon. At the altar the groom, if he is a millionaire, makes his wife his equal by saying: “With all my worldly goods I thee endow;” but until he has uttered these words she has no claim on his purse for clothes or cards, or household furnishing, or anything but those articles that come under the head of such gifts as it is a lover's privilege to make.

A very precise old-time aristocrat of New York broke her daughter's engagement to a gentleman because he brought her a dress from Paris. She said if he did not know enough not to give her daughter clothes while she was under her roof, he should not have her. This is a remark which applies at once to that liberty permitted to engaged couples in rural neighborhoods where a young girl is allowed to go on a journey at her lover's expense. 

A girl's natural protectors should know better than to allow this. They know that her purity is her chief attraction to man, and that a certain coyness and virginal freshness are the dowry she should bring her future husband. Suppose that this engagement is broken off? How will she be accepted by another lover after having enjoyed the hospitality of the first? Would it not make a disagreeable feeling between the two men, although No. 2 might have perfect respect for the girl?

It is the privilege of the bride to name the wedding day, and of her father and mother to pay for her trousseau. After the wedding invitations are issued she does not appear in public. The members of the bride's family go to the church before the bride. The bridegroom and his best man await them at the altar.

The bride comes last, with her father or brother, who is to give her away. She is joined at the altar step by her fiancé, who takes her hand, and then she becomes his for life. All these trifles mean much, as any one can learn who goes through the painful details of a divorce suit.

Now, when the circle of friends on both sides is very extensive, it has of late become customary to send invitations to some who are not called to wedding breakfast to attend the ceremony at the church. This sometimes takes the place of issuing cards. No one thinks of calling on the newly married who has not received either an invitation to the ceremony at the church or cards after their establishment in their new home.

In most cases the after-cards are ordered with the other cards, and the bride's mother pays for them. But if they are ordered after the marriage the groom may pay for these as he would pay for his wife's ordinary expenses. Still it is stricter etiquette that even these should be paid for by the bride's family.

People who are asked to the wedding send cards to the house if they cannot attend, and, in any case, send or leave cards within ten days after, unless they are in very deep mourning, when a dispensation is granted them. 

The etiquette of a wedding at home does not differ at all from the etiquette of a wedding in church with regard to cards. A great confusion seems to exist in the minds of some as to whom to send their return cards on being invited to a wedding. Some ask: "Shall I send them to the bride, as I do not know her mother?" Certainly not; send them to whomsoever invites you. Afterward call on the bride or send her cards; but the first and important card goes to the lady who gives the wedding.

The order of the religious part of the ceremony is fixed by the church in which it occurs. The groom must call on the clergyman, see the organist, and make whatever arrangements the bride pleases; but all expenses, excepting the fee of the clergyman, are borne by the bride's family.

A wedding invitation requires no answer, unless it be to a sit-down wedding breakfast. Cards left afterward are all sufficient. The separate cards of the bride and groom are no longer included in the invitation. Nothing black in the way of dress, but the gentlemen's coats is admissible at a wedding. – Humboldt Times, January, 1885

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia