An Interview with Natalya Listishenkova

Meet Natalya Listishenkova, shown with her granddaughter Milana, a teacher in Chelyabinsk, Ural Federal District, Russia. Natalya is a Blue Ribbon Award Winner from our Second Annual International Place Setting Competition. Natalya is shown sitting at her Regency era place setting.

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Natalya wrote that pre-Covid, she often, (about once every two months), “hosted house parties in various styles” for her Women's Club guests. She wrote that this was her hobby. We think this is a great hobby to have!

The harmonious colors and elements which Natalya carefully chose for her setting, show the research Natalya was able to do on the era. That research included a book she read on the life of the British Politician and Statesman, Benjamin Disraeli.

Natalya’s menu is an inviting mix of dishes she found from the period. The Raspberry Tart and Crème Nouveau sound especially tasty.

The mixed metals were a great choice for the Regency era. This was a time in which the Prince Regent had a lot of gilt tableware on display at the palace. According to the Royal Collection Trust, “The Grand Service is the magnificent silver-gilt dining service commissioned by George IV (1762–1830) when Prince of Wales. It is made up of over 4,000 pieces for dining and display in a vast range of styles. Among them are elaborate dessert stands, candelabra and ice pails, as well as simpler items like trays and egg cups.”

1. How did you choose the menu and various elements you used in your setting and why? Please explain each of the utensils in your setting… For which of the foods on your menu (or course) was each different item intended?

1. Since in the competition was the condition to set the table for at least five different dishes, I settled on the following:

1. The first hot dish is chicken broth with celery (after cooking the celery, it is removed along with the chicken), the broth remains clear-and can be eaten with a broth spoon or drunk from a broth cup, holding the handles. The bouillon cup is visible in the picture.
2. Next on the menu is a soft-boiled egg and bread toast. (I was specifically interested in whether eggs were served for dinner inEngland. It turned out that they were). For soft-boiled egg, an egg-stand is provided on the table, an egg spoon and a small plate for the shell.
3. Further on the menu, after the broth, Strasbourg pie is presented(a bread plate is intended for it on the top left). Since often theStrasbourg pie is a meat pate, a pate knife is intended for it, which also lies on a bread plate;
4. Before the main hot dish, a warm salad of green beans in a creamy sauce is served. A salad fork and knife are intended for it(they are slightly smaller in size than a table fork and knife), as well as an upper shallow plate;
5. The main hot dish – roast beef with mustard sauce and a side dish of mashed potatoes and spinach stewed in butter. For it, a lower, shallow plate and a dinner fork and knife are intended (fully gilded), as well as an individual gravy boat for mustard sauce and a set for spices( salt and pepper)
6. After the break, guests move on to desserts. For desserts a spoon-scoop (for Creme Nouveau) and a fork for raspberry tart are intended. Desserts are brought after the used dishes are removed from the table;
7. For drinks there is a large crystal glass on a stem (Mineral water), a glass for red wine (it is located in the middle) and a glass-bowl for Sussex sparkling wine, which is served with dessert;
8. Besides of these elements in a personal cover has a linen napkin with a ring, a cover card and a menu on a stand. 
9. …a s well as a personal compliment for the guest – a small boutonnière of garden flowers from the hosts of the reception. 

2. Why did you choose this particular period in time to set your table?

2. When I carefully read the conditions of the competition, I studied all the eras, the recipes corresponding to these eras, the elements of table setting, I also watched several films, the Regency Era seemed closest to me in terms of aesthetics. I carefully studied the dishes and cutlery that were produced by manufactories indifferent eras, compared with what I have at home in the cupboard. I had to buy a few things from an antique shop, so you could say that the owner of the shop shared the excitement of the competition with me. So I bought dinner plates, a plate for bread, a part of knives, forks and spoons decorated with oak leaves in this store, as well as an individual gravy bowl and a device for salt and pepper.

I did a little historical research and found in the book of old English cuisine a reception menu dating back to the Regency Era (1811-1830), I also found in the Internet several examples of menus in the French, Polish and Russian aristocratic environment of that time I also love to cook, I am interested in cooking from different countries and eras. I really like the Regency era for a large number of balls and parties, for combining different cuisines, for an abundance of beautiful dishes. This is the era of carelessness and lightness

3. How, if at all, did Covid-related social restrictions affect your choice of setting? Were you ready to celebrate? Feeling in the mood to do something different? Etc… 

3.Before Covid, as I mentioned, we got together very often with family and friends at my home and I set the table for 12 people. Then there was a period of apathy, when there was no desire for parties at all. And now we are going as a family again. And I'm planning to have a Christmas party for my friends at home. Most likely, I will even cook dishes from this menu for them. And I'll tell you about participation and victory in your competition

4. Have you always enjoyed a properly set table? Or, if not, was the table setting something you learned to enjoy through your social life and/or business later on in life? 

4. Oh! For as long as I can remember, mom and dad have always set the table beautifully, prepared delicious dishes and decorated them beautifully. There was a white tablecloth and linen napkins, a complete set of cutlery and crockery. So you could say I grew up with good table manners.

5. Did you do any research on table setting etiquette before setting your elements at the table? 

5. Of course, I had to consider various patterns of dishes and cutlery in order to get as faithfully as possible to the Regency Era style. Floral motifs on plates and cutlery handles, romanticism and tenderness in decorative elements, English solidity and French elegance - this is how I imagine this table. Just by chance, while reading the biography of Benjamin Disraeli, I found a mention that glasses with a wide bowl for sparkling vine were only in vogue then. And I chose this one.

 6. Do you plan on entering again next year? 

6. I would like very much to enter the competition next year.

Elizabeth Soos and I would both like to congratulate Natalya on her award winning setting. We are honored that she entered our contest and love meeting others who are so willing to share their talents, enthusiasm for etiquette, and their wealth of knowledge. Congratulations!

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of “Hanging the Bell”

Like mourning, the bell hanging was for the protection of the bereaved, so that anyone approaching the house would do so with quiet dignity. —
 Photo source, Pinterest

The custom of hanging the bell goes back to the days when doorbells were bells with clappers hung on or adjacent to the door. When someone died, the clapper was muffled in cloth. This later developed into ribbon streamers in white, purple or black, with white or purple flowers. Like mourning, the bell hanging was for the protection of the bereaved, so that anyone approaching the house would do so with quiet dignity. 

Today, few hang the bell. And it is never done except when the funeral is to take place in the home. When a family still wishes to adhere to the old custom it so instructs the funeral director, who orders the flowers and has them hung just below the doorbell of either apartment or private house. — From “Amy Vanderbilt’s Complete Book of Etiquette,” 1952

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Hat Pins, Cola and Other News of 1925

From the San Francisco Call, 1904 – Photos showing how a woman can defend herself with her hat pin.

Those who contend that women are talkative must admit that there are often striking exceptions. For instance, Mrs. Mae E. Nolan, congresswomen of California, whose term expired recently, served more than two years in the house without making a speech.

Massachusetts has an old law prohibiting women from wearing long protruding hatpins, which the house voted to repeal recently, on the ground that they were not worn with bobbed hair, anyway. But the senate stood pat, declaring former styles might come back. Thus the people of Massachusetts are safe from the deadly hatpin, if not from the sprightly automatic.

Groups of students at Foochow, China, declared a boycott on American herring and wrecked a street where the objectionable viands were sold. They probably have the sympathies of American doughboys who were fed up on “gold-fish” during the war.

Martinsville, W. Va., has a “blue law” which prohibits the sale of soft drinks on Sunday by drug stores, although permitting the filling of medical prescriptions. A resourceful citizen outwitted the lawmakers by presenting a duly signed doctor’s prescription calling for an ounce of coco cola and five ounces of carbonated water, “to be taken immediately.” He got it. – King City Rustler, 1925

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia© 

Fashionable Gilded Age Bridal Chests

“… These the up to date girl holds in disdain. Her chest must be really antique, of carved oak of English or Flemish make, or elaborately inlaid with marquetry of colored woods and dated or initialed with figures and characters eloquent of other times and manners.”

The Dower Chest

In Holland, the dower chest once formed a part of every bride’s equipment. Less portable, but more sightly than the Saratoga trunk, it fulfilled its purpose with grace and dignity, passing down as an heirloom from generation to generation. The modern chest is an easy thing to secure, but these the up to date girl holds in disdain. Her chest must be really antique, of carved oak of English or Flemish make, or elaborately inlaid with marquetry of colored woods and dated or initialed with figures and characters eloquent of other times and manners.There are very few of the genuine old fashioned dower chests to be seen on this side of the Atlantic. One of them in this city is a very massive affair, weighing several hundred pounds.—Buffalo Commercial, 1894

💍Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Post Prohibition Cocktail Party Etiquette

“Jause” al Fresco?— In Vienna, it’s usually a cold snack, or a cold meal, served in between the standard breakfast, lunch and dinner. A charcuterie board or cheese, fruits and nuts with wine will qualify, as will even cake and coffee.

Gay, Informal Games, and Food to Go With Them for Cocktail Hour

HOMES at 4 o'clock pause in the day’s occupation that is known in America as the “cocktail hour.” In England it is known as “tea.” In gay Vienna, by the Danube, it is called the "jause."

Since the repeal of Prohibition the cocktail hour has become a feature of American social life and an afternoon institution of the smart hotel and club. And with the Christmas holidays upon us this hour should be one that promotes happiness and good cheer more than any other. This is one time that you can throw your doors open wide to your friends and neighbors.

Questions regarding the etiquette of this new entertaining form are often received: For example, how long is the cocktail party, what is the correct dress, the proper hour to arrive, the right thing to serve?

Cocktail time is between the hours, of 4 and 6, or 5 and 7. Guests come and leave as at a tea, when they please. The cocktail hour is more apt to extend late into the evening if the guests begin to enjoy themselves thoroughly.

No entertainment but conversation and congenial company is provided, and one is expected to go on for dinner somewhere else. However, the host or hostess can start a few games.

ALTRUISM

Each one is asked to write down a stunt that anyone can do. These stunts are collected, mixed up and then passed around. Each person is then “ordered” to do the stunt written out on the slip of paper given him. Oh, boy! Some fun!

STAR WITNESS

A few of the guests, not more than four or five, get together and plan a short and exciting murder case. Although the case is only outlined. it must be complete and provide such details as names, type of weapon used, the address, habits, and appearance of the principal participants.

The conspirators return to the rest of the guests and act out the murder scene they have concocted. The acting must not take more than five minutes and may be done in less.

When the acting of the crime is over, a list of questions which are prepared by the conspirators is read off to the other guests who have just viewed the enactment of the crime. The guests are given pencil and paper and without talking to each other must write down their impressions of the true answers and sign their names at the bottom.

Questions that may be asked are: What did the murderer say just before he committed the crime? Was there a girl involved?

What caused the murder?

There are the kind of questions that test the observation of the “witnesses.” The actual questions will depend on the crime enacted.

BLOWN EGG OR THE EMPTY LUNG

Prior to the arrival of your guests take a raw egg, puncture a hole in each end with a pin and then blow through one of the holes until all of the inside of the egg has been blown out through the other hole, Caution must be taken to see that the skin inside the shell is well punctured; otherwise the egg won't empty. This empty egg-shell is your equipment.

Mark off the table exactly in half. Half of the players may be arranged around one side of the table and the other half on the other. All players must be on their knees so that their mouths are even with the top of the table. Now place the egg-shell in the center of the table.

At a given signal, everyone starts to blow. The object is to get the egg off one side of the table or other, by blowing it over the edge. Each time the egg-shell goes over the edge, it scores a point for the side opposing.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY

Everyone is a judge in this game. Divide the guests into two sides. Form them into two rows facing each other. Now the host or hostess announces he is the "District Attorney" and may ask anyone any question that occurs to him. He now starts to pace up and down between the rows.

He stops wherever he wishes and asks someone a question. However, the one he addresses is not the one who must answer— it is the one directly opposite.

The object is for the District Attorney to make the person to whom he speaks answer his questions or to catch the one who should answer it, off guard.

If the person spoken to by the District Attorney answers the question put to him, or if the person opposite who should answer fails to do so promptly, the one who misses must become District Attorney. The District Attorney takes the player's seat.

If the person spoken to by the District Attorney answers the question put to him, or if the person opposite who should answer fails to do so promptly, the one who misses must become District Attorney. The District Attorney takes the player's seat.

These games are especially good if the group is not well-acquainted. The only type of food served with cocktails is canapés, chilled crisp and provided in great variety.

There is no need to dress for this informal cocktail hour. Guests arrive from playing bridge, golf, tennis, shopping or from the office. Street clothes are proper even for the hostess, although the picturesque, floor-sweeping hostess gown makes her that much more charming.

A suggested few appetizers for the successful cocktail party:

When gin or vermouth is used in the cocktails, an excellent hors d'ouevre is Melba toast spread with relish. Canapé spreads are sardine and egg: pineapple and chicken, crabmeat and onion; minced ham and egg: deviled ham and mushrooms; fresh shrimp with mayonnaise: parsley and capers; Roquefort and cream cheese; boned anchovies with sliced hard-cooked eggs.

All is not the high priced pate de foie gras that seems to be. A harmless way of deceiving your guests is with “mock pate de foie gras” canapés. Use the finest knife of your meat chopper and grind a cup of boiled calves liver and a quarter-cup of cooked mushrooms. Combine with three tablespoons of mayonnaise and salt and pepper to taste. Blend thoroughly and spread on canape biscuits. Serve these sophisticated tid-bits with slices of lemon. — Clipping from unknown newspaper Source, 1933 or 1934

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Table Manners Create Gentlemen

It is worth remarking, by way of parenthesis, that Herbert's father was a gentleman. “It is a principle of his,” declared the boy, “that no man who was not a true gentleman at heart, ever was, since the world began, a true gentleman in manner. He says, no varnish can hide the grain of the wood; and that the more varnish you put on, the more the grain will express itself.”

A number of years ago a young man who was the prospective heir to a fortune—this charming story is in Charles Dickens's wonderful novel, “Great Expectations”—went up to London for the express purpose of learning to be a gentleman. It fell about that almost as soon as he arrived he was thrown into the company of a delightful youth who had already attained the minor graces of polite society. Very much in earnest about what he had set out to do, and blessed besides with a goodish bit of common sense, he explained his situation to Herbert, for that was the other boy's name, mentioned the fact that he had been brought up by a blacksmith in a country place, that he knew practically nothing of the ways of politeness, and that he would take it as a great kindness if Herbert would give him a hint whenever he saw him at a loss or going wrong.

“‘With pleasure,’ said he, ‘though I venture to prophesy that you'll want very few hints.’”

They went in to dinner together, a regular feast of a dinner it seemed to the ex-blacksmith's apprentice, and after a while began to talk about the benefactress who, they believed, had made it possible.

“‘Let me introduce the topic,’ began Herbert, who had been watching Pip's table manners for some little time, ‘by mentioning that in London it is not the custom to put the knife in the mouth—for fear of accidents—and that while the fork is reserved for that use it is not put further in than necessary. It is scarcely worth mentioning, only it's as well to do as other people do. Also, the spoon is not generally used over-hand but under. This has two advantages. You get at your mouth better (which after all is the object), and you save a good deal of the attitude of opening oysters on the part of the right elbow.’

“He offered these suggestions (said Pip) in such a lively way, that we both laughed and I scarcely blushed.”

The conversation and the dinner continued and the friendship grew apace. Presently Herbert broke off to observe that “society as a body does not expect one to be so strictly conscientious in emptying one's glass, as to turn it bottom upwards with the rim on one's nose.”

“I had been doing this,” Pip confessed, “in an excess of attention to his recital. I thanked him, and apologized. He said, ‘Not at all,’ and resumed.”

This was written many years ago but neither in life nor in literature is there a more beautiful example of perfect courtesy than that given by Herbert Pocket when he took the blacksmith's boy in hand and began his education in the art of being a gentleman. Not only was he at perfect ease himself but—and this is the important point—he put the blacksmith's boy at ease.

It is worth remarking, by way of parenthesis, that Herbert's father was a gentleman. “It is a principle of his,” declared the boy, “that no man who was not a true gentleman at heart, ever was, since the world began, a true gentleman in manner. He says, no varnish can hide the grain of the wood; and that the more varnish you put on, the more the grain will express itself.”

The American table service is not complicated. Any intelligent person who knows the points covered by Herbert Pocket, who knows that one should not cut up all of his meat at the same time but mouthful by mouthful as he needs it, that it is not customary to butter a whole slice of bread at once nor to plaster cheese over the entire upper surface of a cracker, can by a dint of watching how other people do it find his way without embarrassment through even the most elaborate array of table implements. The easiest way to acquire good table manners (or good manners of any other kind, as far as that goes) is to form the habit of observing how the people who manage these things most gracefully go about it. It is best to begin early. To use one of David Harum's expressive maxims, “Ev'ry hoss c'n do a thing better 'n' spryer if he's ben broke to it as a colt.”

Eating should be, and, as a matter of fact, is, when one follows his usual custom, an unconscious process like the mechanical part of reading or writing. It is only when he is trying to be a bit more formal or fastidious than is habitual with him that a man gets tangled, so to speak, in the tines of his fork.

Cooking is one of the fine arts. Poets, painters, sculptors, musicians, and millionaires have always paid tribute to it as such—and so is dining. Like a great many other arts it was first developed among royal circles, and there was a time when the king resented the idea of a commoner being able to dine with grace and elegance. Since then it has become democratized, and now there are no restrictions except those which a man places about himself. And there is no earthly (or heavenly) reason why a man should not eat in the way which society has established as correct, and a good many reasons why he should.

Physicians—and this is the strongest argument we know—might advance their plea on the grounds of good health. In this case we find, as we do in a number of others, that what good manners declares should be done is heartily endorsed at the same time by good sense. It is only among people of blunted sensibilities that nice table manners count for nothing; for

There's no reproach among swine, d'you see,

For being a bit of a swine.

Among business men it is often perplexing to know whom and when to invite. Generally speaking, the older man or the man with the superior position takes the initiative, but there are an infinite number of exceptions. Generally speaking, also, the man who is resident in a place entertains the one who is visiting, but there are infinite exceptions to this as well, especially in the case of traveling salesman. All courtesy is mutual, and it is almost obligatory upon the salesman who has been entertained to return the courtesy in kind. Such invitations should be tendered after a transaction is completed rather than before. The burden of table courtesy falls upon the man who is selling rather than the one who is buying, probably because he is the one to whom the obvious profit accrues.

Social affairs among the wives of business men which grow out of the business relations of their husbands follow the same rules as almost any other social affairs. Nearly always it is the wife of the man with the higher position who issues the first invitation, and it is permissible for her to invite a woman whom she does not know personally if she is the wife of a business friend of her husband.

The biggest hindrance to the establishment of good manners among business men is the everlasting hurry in which they (and all the rest of us) live. There must first of all be leisure, not perhaps to the extent advocated by a delightful literary gentleman of having three hours for lunch every day, but time enough to sit down and relax. Thousands of business men dash out to lunch—bad manners are at their worst in the middle of the day—as if they were stopping off at a railroad junction with twenty minutes to catch a train and had used ten of them checking baggage. And they do not always do it because they are in a hurry. They have so thoroughly developed the habit of living in a frenzied rush that even when they have time to spare they cannot slow down.

Pleasant surroundings are desirable. It is much easier to dine in a quiet spacious room where the linen is white and the china is thin, the silver is genuine silver, and the service is irreproachable, than in a crowded restaurant where thick dishes rattle down on white-tiled tables from the steaming arms of the flurried waitress, where there is no linen, but only flimsy paper napkins (which either go fluttering to the floor or else form themselves into damp wads on the table), where the patrons eat ravenously and untidily, and where the atmosphere is dense with the fumes of soup and cigarettes. But luxury in eating is expensive and most of us must, perforce, go to the white-tiled places. And the art of dining is not a question of what one has to eat—it may be beans or truffles—or where one eats it—from a tin bucket or a mahogany table—it all depends upon how; and the man who can eat in a “hash-house,” an “arm-chair joint,” a “beanerie,” a cafeteria, a three-minute doughnut stand or any of the other quick-lunch places in as mannerly a way as if he were dining in a hotel de luxe has, we think, a pretty fair claim to the title of gentleman.

The responsibility for a dinner lies with the host. If his guest has had the same social training that he has or is accustomed to better things he will have comparatively little trouble. All he can do is to give him the best within his means without apology. We like to present ourselves in the best possible light (it is only human) and for this reason often carry our friends to places we cannot afford. This imposes upon them the necessity of returning the dinner in kind, and the vicious circle swings around, each person in it grinding his teeth with rage but not able to find his way out. Entertaining is all right so long as it is a useful adjunct to business, but when it becomes a burden in itself it is time to call a halt.

Smoking during and immediately after a meal is very pleasing to the man who likes tobacco, but if he has a guest (man or woman) who objects to the smell of it he must wait until later. On the other hand if his guest likes to smoke and he does not he should insist upon his doing so. It is a trifling thing but politeness consists largely of yielding gracefully in trifles.

Old-fashioned gentlemen held it discourteous to mention money at table, but in this degenerate age no subject is taboo except those that would be taboo in any decent society. Obviously when men meet to talk over business they cannot leave money out of the discussion. In a number of firms the executives have lunch together, meeting in a group for perhaps the only time during the day. It helps immeasurably to coördinate effort, but it sometimes fails to make the lunch hour the restful break in the middle of the day which it should be. It is generally much more fun and of much more benefit to swap fish stories and hunting yarns than to go over the details of the work in the publicity department or to formulate the plans for handling the Smith and Smith proposition. Momentous questions should be thrust aside until later, and the talk should be—well, talk, not arguing, quarreling, or scandal-mongering. The subject does not greatly matter except that it should be something in which all of the people at the table are interested. Whistler was once asked what he would do if he were out at dinner and the conversation turned to the Mexican War, and some one asked him the date of a certain battle. “Do?” he replied. “Why, I would refuse to associate with people who could talk of such things at dinner!”

Polite society has always placed a high value on table manners, but it is only recently that they have come to play so large a part in business. Some one has said that you cannot mix business and friendship. It would be nearer the truth to say that you cannot separate them. More and more it is becoming the habit to transact affairs over the table, and a very pleasant thing it is, too. Aside from the coziness and warmth which comes from breaking bread together one is free from the interruptions and noise of the office, and many a commercial acquaintance has ripened into a friend and many a business connection has been cemented into something stronger through the genial influence of something good to eat and drink. It is, of course, a mistake to depend too much upon one's social gifts. They are very pleasant and helpful but the work of the world is done in offices, not on golf links or in dining rooms. We have little patience with the man who sets his nose to the grindstone and does not take it away until death comes in between, but we have just as little with the man who has never touched the grindstone.

Stories go the rounds of executives who choose their subordinates by asking them out to lunch and watching the way they eat. One man always calls for celery and judges his applicant by what he does with it. If he eats only the tender parts the executive decides that he is extravagant, at least with other people's money, but if he eats the whole stalk, green leaves and all, he feels sure that he has before him a man of economy, common sense, and good judgment! The story does not say what happens when the young man refuses celery altogether. Another uses cherry pie as his standard and judges the young man by what he does with the pits. There are three ways to dispose of them. They may be lowered from the mouth with the spoon, they may be allowed to drop unaided, or they may be swallowed. The last course is not recommended. The first is the only one that will land a job. But tests like this work both ways and one is rather inclined to congratulate the young men who were turned down than those who were accepted.

All this aside, an employer does want to know something about the table manners of an employee who is to meet and dine with his customers. An excellent salesman may be able to convince a man of good breeding and wide social training if he tucks his napkin into his bosom, drinks his soup with a noise, and eats his meat with his knife, but the chances are against it.

A man who is interested heart and soul in one thing will think in terms of it, will have it constantly in his mind and on the tip of his tongue. But the man of one subject, whatever that subject may be, is a bore. It is right that a man should live in his work, but he must also live outside of it. One of the most tragic chapters in the history of American life is the one which tells of the millions and millions of men who became so immersed in business affairs that they lost sight of everything else. The four walls of the narrow house which in the end closes around us all could not more completely have cut them off from the light of day. It is a long procession and it has not ended—that line of men passing single file like convicts down the long gray vaults of business, business, business, with never a thought for the stars or the moon or books or trees or flowers or music or life or love—nothing but what casts a shadow over that dismal corridor.

These are dead men with no thought

Of things that are not sold or bought.

* * * * *

In their bodies there is breath,

But their souls are steeped in death.

It is not a cheerful picture to contemplate (and it seems a good long way away from table manners), but the men who form it are more to be pitied than blamed. They are blind. — Nella Henney, “The Book of Business Etiquette,” 1922

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

50 Years of Changing Etiquette

The changes from Gilded Age dining etiquette to that of the 1930’s in the U.S., were numerous, due to the changes in food preservation, electrical refrigeration and the year ‘round availability of non-seasonal fruits and vegetables. Modernization of canning and freezing methods gave the average American household plenty of dining choices which were unthinkable in 1885, just 50 years earlier. By 1935, large neighborhood grocery stores had replaced more and more specialty food stores and restaurants were flourishing. Most notably, however, in the 50 years between 1885 and 1935, even the most modest of American homes had acquired enough knives, forks and spoons for use by everyone dining at a table. — Historical photo of the Palmer House Grand Dining Room, Chicago History Museum 

Celebrating A Waiter’s Jubilee

The management of the Palmer House, Chicago's historic hostelry, recently observed the completion of a half century of service by an 80-year-old waiter, who had been born in slavery. A gold medal was presented to the waiter in recognition of his long service.

In fifty years of waiting on diners in a hotel, that Chicago man probably observed some great changes in eating customs and etiquette. He had served Presidents Grant, Garfield, Cleveland and McKinley on their visits to Chicago and had known the table desires and whims of many a celebrity.

It was a gracious gesture on the part of his employers to award that medal, and to the hotel’s clientele it struck a human note so often absent from the efficient management of modern institutions. —The Oakland Tribune, 1935

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Nella Henney on 1920’s Table Manners

“One must not make the mistake of believing that goodwill can be built on courtesy alone.” — Nella Henney 

One of Nella Henney’s most popular books was her “Book of Business Etiquette.

“Business etiquette is constantly evolving, and what may have been considered good etiquette in the 1920's is no longer the norm. Thus, the real value of this work is the portrait it paints of a specific time in history. Reading Henney's work will transport you back to the roaring 20's, that brief postwar time where business was booming and thousands of Americans entered the white-collar workforce for the very first time.” — From Barnes and Noble

 

In the old books of etiquette in the chapter on table manners the authors used to state that it was not polite to butter your bread with your thumb, to rub your greasy fingers on the bread you were about to eat, or to rise from the table with a toothpick in your mouth like a bird that is about to build her nest. We have never seen any one butter his bread with his thumb, but— There are in the United States nearly five million people who can neither read nor write. We have no statistics but we venture to say there are as many who eat with their knives. 

There are people among us—and they are not all immigrants in the slum districts or those in the poorer sections of the South—who do not know what a napkin is, who think the proper way to eat an egg is to hold it in the hand like a piece of candy, and bite it, the egg having previously been fried on both sides until it is as stiff and as hard as a piece of bristol board, who would not recognize a salad if they saw one, and who have never heard of after-dinner coffee.

In addition to this a young man is very fortunate, especially if his way of life is cast among people whose manners are different from those to which he has been accustomed, if he has a friend whom he can consult, not only about table manners but about matters of graver import as well. And he should not be embarrassed to ask questions. The disgrace, if disgrace it could be called, lies only in ignorance.— Nella Henney, “The Book of Business Etiquette,” 1922

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Early 20th C. Telephone Manners

Antique sterling rotary phone dialers, to help with manicured nails and sanitary dialing — From the book, “What Have We Here? The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond...”

The telephone is a nuisance and no one denies it, but it is a necessity also and no one denies that, either, and one of the greatest conveniences in an age of great conveniences. Some of the disagreeable features connected with it cannot be done away with but must be accepted with as much tranquility as we can master, like the terrific noise which an aëroplane makes or the trail of smoke and cinders which a railway train leaves behind. 

The one who is calling, for instance, cannot know that he is the tenth or eleventh person who has called the man at the other end of the wire in rapid succession, that his desk is piled high with correspondence which must be looked over, signed, and sent out before noon, that the advertising department is waiting for him to O. K. their plans for a campaign which should have been launched the week before, that an important visitor is sitting in the library growing more impatient every minute, and that his temper has been filed down to the quick by an assortment of petty worries. (Of course, no office should be run like this, but it sometimes happens in the best of them.)

Some one has said that we are all like islands shouting at each other across a sea of misunderstanding, and this was long before telephones were thought of. It is hard enough to make other people understand what we mean, even with the help of facial expression and gestures, and over the wire the difficulty is increased a hundred fold. For telephoning rests upon a delicate adjustment between human beings by means of a mechanical apparatus, and it takes clear thinking, patience, and courtesy to bring it about.– “The Book of Business Etiquette,” by Nella Henney, 1922

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

10 Tips on the Art of Small Talk

Tips to Avoid Foot-in-Mouth Disease When Making Small Talk at Big Parties or Gatherings

1. Plan to discuss only safe subjects. Avoid hot political or controversial topics. Steer clear of talking about race, sex, money or religion.
2. Change the subject if you drift into choppy conversational waters.
3. Give evasive answers to those people, particularly family members, who make your evening miserable. Do not let them push your emotional buttons. Steer clear of the usual suspects by “buddying up” with a sympathetic cohort. Repeatedly remind yourself that you will not react to their comments. Make it a mental mantra.
4. Be prepared to back up anything you say. Even the most private remarks may be quoted or misquoted. Don't say anything you'll regret.
5. Avoid debates and arguments. At cocktail parties, there are only losers.
6. Limit “schmoozing” to 15 minutes per person if need be.
7. Back slightly away from the person with whom you're talking to avoid crowding them.
8. Don't monopolize the host or hostess.
9. Don't force wittiness or use words you don't know.
10. Apologize on the spot (and in writing the next day) if you say or do something offensive or hurtful.

—From Maura Graber, director of the RSVP Institute of Etiquette in Ontario, California, 2006

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Early 20th C. Theatre Manners

“Very Inconsiderate To Giggle And Talk”

Nothing shows less consideration for others than to whisper and rattle programmes and giggle and even make audible remarks throughout a performance. Very young people love to go to the theater in droves called theater parties and absolutely ruin the evening for others who happen to sit in front of them. If Mary and Johnny and Susy and Tommy want to talk and giggle, why not arrange chairs in rows for them in a drawing-room, turn on a phonograph as an accompaniment and let them sit there and chatter!

If those behind you insist on talking it is never good policy to turn around and glare. If you are young they pay no attention, and if you are older—most young people think an angry older person the funniest sight on earth! The small boy throws a snowball at an elderly gentleman for no other reason! The only thing you can do is to say amiably: “I'm sorry, but I can't hear anything while you talk.” If they still persist, you can ask an usher to call the manager.

The sentimental may as well realize that every word said above a whisper is easily heard by those sitting directly in front, and those who tell family or other private affairs might do well to remember this also.

As a matter of fact, comparatively few people are ever anything but well behaved. Those who arrive late and stand long, leisurely removing their wraps, and who insist on laughing and talking are rarely encountered; most people take their seats as quietly and quickly as they possibly can, and are quite as much interested in the play and therefore as attentive and quiet as you are. A very annoying person at the “movies” is one who reads every “caption” out loud.— From Emily Post's 1922 book “Etiquette”

It ought to be superfluous to say that talking aloud, or continuous whispering during the progress of a play or opera or concert, usually on topics foreign to the occasion, is a rudeness to the performers and a bold impertinence to the rest of the audience. Some people are guilty of this insolence wittingly and unblushingly. For such we have no word of advice. Such instances should be met by something more effective than “gentle influence.” But many, especially young people, talk and laugh thoughtlessly, and from mere exuberance of animal spirits. It is to be hoped that on pausing to reflect they will carefully avoid forming a habit of public misbehavior that will ultimately rank them in the social scale as confirmed vulgarians. An intelligent listener never interrupts. 

Between the scenes of a play, or the successive numbers of a concert programme, there are pauses long enough for a brief exchange of comment between two friends who are sharing an entertainment, and they may enjoy the pleasure of thus comparing notes without once disturbing the order of the time and place. —From Agnes H. Morton's 1919 book “Etiquette”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Decay of Manners Decried in Every Era

The fact remains that mankind has always believed its manners to be decaying, and this fact has in some way or other got to be accounted for. Unless there was some reason for it, men in every age and in every place would not have thought the same thought and made the same complaint. When people have been saying the same thing from China to Peru, from India to the Nile, from Norway to Naples, ever since the dawn of history, there must be something in it. 

Manners and Fashions: A Sign of Aging When a Person Does Not Follow Them

The fact remains that mankind has always believed its manners to be decaying, and this fact has in some way or other got to be accounted for. Unless there was some reason for it, men in every age and in every place would not have thought the same thought and made the same complaint. When people have been saying the same thing from China to Peru, from India to the Nile, from Norway to Naples, ever since the dawn of history, there must be something in it. The notion of a universal and immemorial, and yet wholly fortuitous and gratuitous, piece of blague is absurd. Where, then, is the necessary substantial resting place for the belief that our manners are disappearing? We believe that it is to be found in the fact that manners change like the fashions— are, in fact, as much the sport of fashion as bonnets, skirts, mantles or collars.

But it is notorious that oldish people cannot keep up with the fashions. One of the first signs of that mental induration which comes to almost all men and women some time after forty, is that they become unable to see that the new style of collar or way of doing the hair is an improvement. There is no more certain sign that a person is aging than his or her declarations that the new fashions are hideous and disgusting. But mark the declarations that our manners are disappearing never come from the young, but always from persons past forty. The truth is, they have become incapable of following the fashions in manners. But the fashions in manners are not influenced by these expressions of blind indignation. Driven on by that necessity for evolution and change which we cannot ignore though we cannot explain, our manners— i. e., our codes of social behavior are in a perpetual state of flux.

There is no sudden revolution of course, but in ten years' time there has been sufficient alteration to make the way we flirt now, or the way we talk to ladies in the drawing-room after dinner, seem strange and outrageously indecorous to the man who has stood still and not moved with the times.

After all, manners are only conventions— rules as to the pitch of the voice, the turn of the head, the form of words to be used. But it is the nature of conventions to seem good only to those who know them and can appreciate their exact value. An unsympathetic convention is necessarily a monstrosity.

If the recognized convention of the generation is for a man who wishes to be polite to a girl at a ball to say, "You might give us a dance," then there is no real decay of manners in the use of the phrase. It sounds indeed to the generation who have developed it and use it, the only polite thing to say, and far better manners, "in the true sense," than the ridiculously formal dancing mastery, "May I have the honor of a dance?" They who use it are, in fact, not the least conscious of any decay of manners. Men accustomed to the "May I have the honor" formula are, however, utterly shocked by the "You might give us a dance" convention, and the moment when they begin to realize its development they declare that the old courtesy, etc., has died out. It is the same with a hundred other little matters of form. 

A new fashion in giving an arm or holding open, or even not holding open, a door seems boorish to the older generation who knew the proper way of doing the thing in 1860, and since then have used no other.— London Spectator, 1896

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Table Manners are War Casualty

An attempt at reinforcing some table manners and etiquette was tried by the armed forces during WWII, as this poster shows, but the finer touches of dining etiquette were evidently ignored to a great extent.

MANNERS JOIN LIST OF WAR CASUALTIES

Long Dining in Army Messes Found to Have Effect That Is Almost Subversive 

TIME A MAJOR FACTOR 

Requisitioned Hotel in Algiers Puts Out 1,000 Meals Daily at the Double-Quick

ALGIERS, Sept. 18 — Among the post-war problems perplexing sociologists all over the United States, let no one underestimate the effect of long dining in Army messes on the table manners of our very best young men.

As an excellent example, there is one officers' mess at a requisitioned hotel here that everyone calls “The Berries” because the hotel's name is Tabary. Those who dine in its madcap atmosphere two or three times daily will stand up as one man and shudder at the thought of the impact of their contemporary dining habits on the cool, orderly tables that their wives or mothers will have waiting for them someday not too far off.

“The Berries” is presided over by Mess Sgt. Leslie Booker of Brunswick, Ga., and Philadelphia. He can look any major in the eyes if he shows up one minute after mess has been officially closed and that you can bet that the major will retreat hungry. The sergeant is kind of a man, so when he expresses his philosophy on the non-leisurely dining at “The Berries” it is easy to understand one factor in the helter-skelter gulping of what is undoubtedly excellent food. “Any officer,” he says, “who sits down here and eats as fast as well aim to put it out— and it takes him more than twenty-five minutes — I want to find out why.”

In defense of such a theory, it ought to be pointed out that “The Berries” serves about 1,000 meals daily and time is of the essence. But the effect of the sergeant's ruling on the refined and quiet atmosphere of the tables—to say nothing of the digestion of the diners is something else again. The officers include many Yale, Harvard and Princeton men as well as many who were brought up by the most genteel parents, even if they never went through college, but all that is forgotten. When you want the apple-butter and it is on the other end of the table, you don't ask; you reach. 

When, at breakfast, someone wants the syrup always offered in a flat soup plate instead of a pitcher with a guarded top —some one else also reaches and, as a result, several someones get gloriously sticky. It is all good fun, though hardly good, clean fun. The efforts of the hungry men to make the French waitresses understand their orders contributes further to the air of serenity pervading the mess.

Thus a man who doesn't know the difference between “fourchette” and “couteau” or “cuiller” is very likely to wind up stirring his coffee with a fork or putting sugar into it with a knife. It is all very confusing— and there is always the menace of Sergeant Booker's twenty-five minute time ration hanging over you.

Lieut. Al Paris of Hartsdale, N. Y., summed up “The Berries” by saying: “The whole atmosphere just leaves me stunned. I have completely lost my taste for food and I eat only to keep body and soul together. I always feel lucky if I get off without getting an eye punched out.”

Lieut. Paris feels that he is living through “a huge cacophony of sound and odor” three times daily. Only his complete faith in his. mother's forgiving nature assures him that she will understand him when he gets back to Hartsdale.

Lieut. John A. Santoro of 769 Hicks Street, Brooklyn, feels the same way about his wife, Leonore. “To me,” he sighed, “it is slop-slop here and slop-slop there. About the only table manners I have consistently tried to live up to is washing my hands before I eat. I jump for a place and jump out or someone else gets in behind me.” — By Wireless to the New York Times, 1943

🍽️ Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Japanese Brides and Canadian Lives

As part of their work with the Canadian armed forces in Japan, the five women will teach the brides “the Canadian attitude to life, etiquette, dress and humor” in preparation for life in Canada.— Image of young Japanese women with American GIs - Photo source, Stars and Stripes.com

Canadian Red Cross Women Head for Japan to Educate Brides of Canada Life 

VANCOUVER. — Five social workers of the Canadian Red Cross left Vancouver last week for Tokyo where they take on the task of educating 13 Japanese brides of Canadian servicemen who are expected to come to Canada soon. As part of their work with the Canadian armed forces in Japan, the five women will teach the brides “the Canadian attitude to life, etiquette, dress and humor” in preparation for life in Canada. 

Their visit to Japan for the next year is being undertaken to fill in the need for “something Canadian” as requested by Canadian troops in Korea. Knowing that Japan will consider Canadians the ambassadors of goodwill, one of them said: “None of us speaks Japanese yet. We have little need of it because most of our work will be with our own forces and with young brides and their Canadian husbands. But we will probably have a stab at it, anyway.” – Shin Nichibei, 1952  

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Cleansed Palates and Forks

Ices, sherbets and sorbets became an integral part of fine dining in warm weather in Georgian and Regency era dining. 

Visitors to England were continually criticizing the lack of forks, as they thought the English custom most unsanitary. Even after forks attained a fair amount of popularity, rich people did not possess many of them. Hence it has been suggested that the custom of serving a sherbet in the middle of the meal was introduced in order to permit the servants time to wash the forks for the next course.— From “The Book of Old Silver,” by Seymour B. Wyler, 1970

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Traveling with Utensils

What Have We Here? — A Regency Era, mother of pearl handled, folding pocket or travel fork, by Aaron Hatfield, in 1818 — Until the early part of the eighteenth century, a gentleman who traveled carried a knife and fork of his own, as the inns were not likely to have them.  

The earliest forks made were for the most part of iron and steel, with a few in silver owned by families of great wealth. Until the early part of the eighteenth century, a gentleman who traveled carried a knife and fork of his own, as the inns were not likely to have them. Visitors to England were continually criticizing the lack of forks, as they thought the English custom most unsanitary. — From “The Book of Old Silver,” by Seymour B. Wyler, 1970

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Etiquette of a Palace Buffet

Traditionally the buffet was a means of impressing guests with the wealth and power of the monarch. In England the buffet has always been a purely decorative feature: although many of the items on the buffet were practical they were not intended to be used during the meal. The Venetian Ambassador to the court of Henry VIII in July 1517 wrote of a 'buffet 30 feet in length, 20 feet high, with silver vases and vases of gold, worth vast treasure, none of which was touched'.

At Buckingham Palace the Ballroom is decorated with two large buffets of silver gilt from the Grand Service. On display are pieces such as 17th-century candle sconces; huge dishes decorated with biblical or mythological scenes; monumental flasks, jeweled cups, ivory tankards, silver-gilt bowls and dishes. These lamps in the form of phoenixes were originally intended to warm plates or dishes supported on their outspread wings.

Traditionally the buffet was a means of impressing guests with the wealth and power of the Monarch. In England, the buffet has always been a purely decorative feature: although many of the items on the buffet were practical they were not intended to be used during the meal. The Venetian Ambassador to the court of Henry VIII in July 1517 wrote of a 'buffet 30 feet in length, 20 feet high, with silver vases and vases of gold, worth vast treasure, none of which was touched'.

George IV created extraordinarily lavish buffets. The Shield of Achilles — an enormous piece of silver gilt 90 cm (35 in) in diameter and cast with Apollo in his chariot riding forth from the centre was created for his coronation banquet and was prominently displayed on the buffet. The tradition was continued by later monarchs.— From “The Royal Table: Dining at the Palace,” 2008

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Bon Ton Divorce of 1850

We have already stated that there is no positive criminality testified to by the witnesses against Mrs. Forrest, although many of the circumstances described by them give a very curious picture of the fashionable manners among a portion of the “elite,” or those who call themselves the elite, in New York. – The bon ton of 1850 in their Easter Parade fashions. – image source, Pinterest

Literary and Fashionable Socialism—

The Recent Divorce Cases

We have published, elsewhere, the whole of the evidence presented to the Legislature of Pennsylvania, in the Forrest divorce case. It presents some remarkable features, illustrating the morals and manners of the day, in such a way as to draw down a great deal of attention upon certain literary and fashionable leaders of the “bon ton” in these latitudes. 

We have already stated that there is no positive criminality testified to by the witnesses against Mrs. Forrest, although many of the circumstances described by them give a very curious picture of the fashionable manners among a portion of the “elite,” or those who call themselves the elite, in New York. 

The principal persons figuring in this testimony are N. P. Willis, Chevalier Wikoff, Jameson the actor, Professor Hackley, of Columbia College, and we may add, Capt. Calcraft, who is represented to be a relative of Lord Clanricarde, Postmaster General of England. When the trial comes on, these gentlemen will have an opportunity to make their own statements. 

One thing strikes us in regard to this and other divorce cases, which are now before the Legislature of Pennsylvania. The manners, the style of life, the mode of social enjoyment, which are developed by the evidence in these cases, and particularly in those of Mr. Middleton’s and Forrest’s, are, we believe, copied or imitated from the manners and customs of fashionable society and literary socialists in Paris and other great cities of Europe. 

Mr. N. P. W. Tillis, the very pink of fashion, and editor of a fashionable journal, has been endeavoring to indoctrinate the fashionable people of this community, for several years past, with all the graces, all the elegance, all the classic freedoms of society, which have prevailed so long in Europe. An elegant French writer, connected with certain society here, is also publishing a French periodical, having the same purpose in view; introducing in our fashionable circles the tone, temper, and elegant characteristics of European society and literary socialism of the most attic kind. 

The house of Mr Forrest, during his absence on professional tours, appears to have been made the centre of much fashionable enjoyment, conceived and executed according to the latest doctrines and ideas inculcated by such writings. Still all this style of society, or character of social enjoyment on the “European plan,” by no means seems to have suited the straightforward, calm, considerate, regular notions of Mr. Forrest, who is a native of the Quaker city of Philadelphia, and though an actor, seems still to possess many of their upright notions of propriety. Yet not a season passes at Saratoga or Newport, that the fashionable classes, who frequent these resorts, do not practice, and “carry on,” as it might be called, in the same style, with the same grace, and with as much freedom as that described in the Middleton and Forest testimony. 

In fact, our watering places in summer, and our opera circles in winter, present scenes of poetic enjoyment and sentimental freedom, equal to any thing exhibited by the classic socialists of Europe, of the highest and most fastidious kind. High poetic temperament, great mental cultivation, duly mixed with slices of canvas back ducks, and little oceans of sparkling champagne, will scarcely fail to produce such scenes of enjoyment, and such testimony for divorces — equal to anything of the like kind in France or Germany. Alas! alas ! We pity Mr. Forrest — we pity as fervently Mrs. Forrest. They have both been made the dupes of these new doctrines in philosophy, manners, morals, and classic socialism of the latest pattern.— The N.Y. Tribune, 1850

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia