Brushing Up on Black Tie Etiquette

Q: Say you’re doing everything right, but someone hits you with a condescending comment?
A: I’d remind people that this is not the time to win a point of view or to be on the defensive. Parties are a time to keep things lightweight. If you’ve accepted an invitation, you have a responsibility as a guest to be an appropriate guest. If you receive negative feedback, turn it around.

Q & A : Black Tie: Taking a Plunge Into the Social Swim 

Tips on what to do if you’re used to back-yard barbecues, but the invitation calls for black tie.

Question: You’ve been invited to a party where you think you’ll feel out of your league. Any pointers?

Answer: Go with one basic premise, which is whatever you do, be as understated as possible rather than trying to stand out. When in doubt, don’t. Whether selecting clothes or being engaged in conversation, go toward being more conservative.

Q: What about clothes?

A: For women I’d recommend neutral colors; for cocktails, black is always safe. This is not the time to show a lot of décolleté or wear a micro-mini. For a man, if it’s black tie you will have to rent a tux if you don’t already own one. And if it’s black tie optional, I’d recommend a tuxedo because 90% of the men will have one on, and not wearing one will draw more attention to you.

Q: Would you recommend reading etiquette books?

A: It’s a good idea to consult a book, and the most important areas to concentrate on are making introductions and conversational techniques. If you do some preplanning, going through the motions, remembering that goals for the evening are to remember people’s names and have interesting conversations, that’s much better than winging it.

Q: How does one study to be a good conversationalist?

A: I would read a magazine that will give you an overview of current events, especially if you don’t typically read those magazines. And certainly if it’s a charity event, you should find out as much about that charity as possible and have a whole litany of questions you’d be able to ask. And I would ask open-ended questions, such as when, where and how, rather than questions people can answer “yes” or “no” to.

Q: Say you’re doing everything right, but someone hits you with a condescending comment?

A: I’d remind people that this is not the time to win a point of view or to be on the defensive. Parties are a time to keep things lightweight. If you’ve accepted an invitation, you have a responsibility as a guest to be an appropriate guest. If you receive negative feedback, turn it around.

Q: And what about those disasters that no one wants to think about, like spilling a drink on someone or forgetting someone’s name?

A: Maintain your sense of humor and try to solve the problem. Rather than make a big scene, quietly go to the maitre d’ or one of the waiters and take care of the problem, and be as unobtrusive as possible. Forgetting people’s names is not the worst faux pas in the world. Always state your own first and last name, and that will trigger someone else to do the same. Don’t be afraid to introduce yourself, but glad-handing is inappropriate. If you’re at a business function, watch your superiors in terms of how they behave.

Q: What’s the appropriate way to thank a host or hostess after a private party?

A: A written note is always very appropriate, and it should be done right away, within 48 hours. For a private party it’s appropriate to bring a hostess gift, such as flowers or edibles or a good book. Those are safe. Don’t send hard liquor; wine is all right.

Q: OK, confess. Have you ever felt out of your league?

A: Honestly, I think everybody has felt that way. 

From a 1989 Los Angeles Times ‘Q and A’ with the late-Judi Kaufman of Judi Kaufman & Company in Beverly Hills 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Manners for the 1990’s

Known as the ‘doyenne of decorum’ and as a social secretary to American First Lady, Jacqueline Kennedy, Letitia Baldrige was one of the chief arbiters of good manners in modern America. Described in a 1978 Time Magazine profile as a “superbly energetic amalgam of feminist and Tasteful Lady.” Baldrige embarked on a career that took her from diplomatic cirlcles, to the White House and on to a long career advising business executives on the finer points of etiquette and social graces, all starting decades before women talked about “having it all,” and at a time when many of her female colleagues were afforded few professional opportunities. She authored numerous books and articles on etiquette and social graces over her long career. “Discourtesy and arrogance were not requirements for a career of similar accomplishment,” she would later advise executives in her role as a maven of etiquette. Baldrige died in 2012, at the age of 86.

A New Environment for Polite Behavior : Etiquette... 

Letitia Baldrige says the aim in everyday situations is to teach manners without ending up in fisticuffs.

There is something new to worry about: being ecologically correct. But how do you get your message across in polite company without being confrontational?

Letitia Baldrige, manners adviser to five first ladies and author of “The New Manners for the ‘90s,” recognizes the dilemma.

“When somebody throws something out the car window, honk at them, but don’t give them the finger,” Baldrige says. “We’ve got to temper our negative feelings about people who desecrate the environment.”

As far as people dropping trash on the street, “I do believe in picking it up and saying, ‘Oh, I think you dropped this,’ ” she says. “A lot of people do that now, politely and nicely, and I think it’s very effective.”

Baldrige hopes the 1980s atmosphere of “acquire, possess and have the right to do whatever I want” is gone.

“We have a lot of societal problems that we have to fix in the 1990s,” she says.

“But I think the young people are aware of this for the first time. The young were so apathetic in the late ‘70s and ‘80s. There was no campus activism. But now they’re excited about many issues, and the environment is one of them.”

Some young friends of Baldrige got a chance to use written communication during a camping trip.

The people in the camper next to them had departed early in the morning, leaving behind their trash and garbage. Her friends cleaned the campsite.

The next day, they spotted the camper, but not the occupants. They wrote a long letter and left it on the windshield, explaining that they had stopped at the campsite and saw how messy it had been left.

They wrote: “We know it wasn’t your intention to ruin the environment or make it impossible for all the other campers to enjoy it. But we cleaned up your mess, and we want you to know we helped you out. And we know you’ll do the same thing for somebody else some day.”

Baldrige says: “Now that’s effective, and probably made those people stop and think.”

Aural pollution is another kind of pollution that bothers Baldrige.

“I can’t tell you the number of times that I’ve been on a city street or in an elevator, and young women will use four-letter words and all kinds of foul language,” she says.

“I stop them, put my hand on their arm and say, ‘I have something to tell you. I’m old enough to be your grandmother. You’re young and beautiful, and you’ve got the whole world ahead of you, but you have no idea what that polluting language does to change my perception and everybody else’s perception of you.’ ”

Baldrige believes in the courage of her convictions.

“You have to speak up; you really do,” she says. “But the point of all this is not to get into a confrontation but to convince instead. I believe in teaching manners without causing fisticuffs.”

If your style is caustic, Baldrige says, the message is lost.

“The best thing we can do to save the planet is set a good example for our kids at home,” she says.

“Revive that old tradition of napkin rings and cloth napkins and cut down on paper use. Give presents to new mothers of a diaper service. Recycle.”

But if you are visiting your parents, and they are not recycling, think before you speak.

“Each community has different rules about this. If there isn’t a setup for recycling, don’t take this out on your parents,” Baldrige says. “Instead, find out where to take the bottles and offer to do that for them. Show them; don’t tell them.”

She believes that the family dinner table is a place to slip in some environmental messages.

“Don’t abuse drugs or alcohol in front of your kids--or at all, for that matter,” she says. “They will do as you do, not as you say.”

But a social dinner is not the place to be preaching.

“It’s a great rudeness to give a lecture or to reject somebody else’s food,” she says. “There’s such a lack of good dinner conversation that it’s not the time to turn it into a soapbox.”

If you have decided to be a vegetarian, let the host know ahead of time. Often, there will be plenty of items that you can eat.

Smoking can be another sore point. “I make it easy for my smoking friends by setting up a place on the patio for them,” she says. “But they know not to smoke in the house.”

Her attitude certainly has shifted from dinner parties of years ago.

“I used to go around polishing the sterling-silver cigarette holders and putting out matchboxes and silver ashtrays; I spent hours getting the smoking accessories ready,” she says. “Now I think the only people left who smoke are nicotine addicts.”

Baldrige is not a smoker, “but I learned to smoke at Vassar so I could look like Lauren Bacall, cool and sophisticated. What’s sad is some girls, at age 11, are still picking up the habit for the same reasons I did.”

One final pollution area Baldrige would like to tackle is movie theaters.

“They may smoke in Irish movie theaters, which is certainly a fire hazard, but we Americans leave all kinds of trash behind, plus we’re always spilling sticky soda and throwing chewing gum on the floor,” she says.

“I think I could make a lot of money selling recyclable plastic booties you could buy to save your shoes.” — By Donna Larcen, The Hartford Courant, 1990

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The 1990’s Etiquette Era

New etiquette books were suddenly plentiful in the last dozen-or-so years of the 20th century, in preparation of the 21st century and to address all of the technological advances of the 1990’s. Judith Martin’s, “Guide for the Turn-of-the-Millennium” was one of the most popular.
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“What’s the office etiquette when men and women work together? Judith Martin: The very simple rule that takes care of most problems is that gender is simply not relevant in the workplace. Once you realize that, then the questions of who goes through the door first and who pays for lunch are very easily settled. It should be settled just as if it were an all-male workplace— by rank and position.”

Establishing Polite Parameters for the 1990’s

Dear Amy: Help! On second thought, make that: Help, please! 

Ms. Vanderbilt, you must be turning over in your grave because of the problems that polite society is suffering as we enter the ‘90s.

I mean, as manners go, I’m not exactly a model of decorum. (I take special pleasure in cutting off Camaros on the freeway). But even I know there should be a better way of congratulating your second husband on the birth of his first child from his third marriage than just looking embarrassed and saying, “Gee, you told me you’d had a vasectomy!”

Or writing to all your friends in one fell swoop by using the recall button on the personal computer. Or telling a potential sexual partner to use a condom by strategically leaving a dozen boxes of Trojans next to the Champagne in the refrigerator. Or wrestling with the complexities of call-waiting by shouting “Hang on!” or murmuring “Sorry, this new caller is richer than you, Mr. Murdock.”

Just consider, for instance, the contretemps I found myself in just trying to write this story. I was chatting on the phone to New York etiquette arbiter Charlotte Ford when suddenly I heard a “beep” and Miss Manners (a.k.a. Judith Martin) was holding on call waiting from Washington.

“Uh, what do I do, Charlotte?” I asked in a panic.

“It’s easy,” she replied, soothingly. “I think that whoever’s on the phone first when call-waiting comes in takes precedence. Tell the other person you’ll call them back.”

Hmmm, logical enough. So I clicked back to Martin.

“Judith? I’ve got Charlotte Ford on the other line, and she says I should stay on the phone with her and call you back. Does that sound OK?”

Miss Manners paused a moment to consider.

“Absolutely,” Martin purred.

What I need, Amy, is a definitive guide to all this stuff. Something to keep right by the bedside to govern matters of a sexual, or nonsexual, nature. It’s no good to find out the proper way to act after the fact. By then my social life is going to degenerate into watching reruns of “Facts of Life.”

But wait, what are these packages on my desk? Could it be that America’s foremost etiquette experts have been working overtime to establish polite parameters for the ‘90s?

Some of these books are from the usual suspects: Judith Martin, Letitia Baldridge, and Charlotte Ford. But, suddenly there are new names making waves in the manners business. After all, who better than Sidney Biddle Barrows of Mayflower Madam fame to solve such bedroom dilemmas as: Do you make eye contact at an orgy? (No.) Do you use your lover’s toothbrush? (Yes.)

“My literary agent thought up the idea,” Barrows confides. “Most people think sex is inherently not very polite, and certainly not something one talks about unless one absolutely has to. But etiquette is a way of romancing between men and women. And now that we’re not jumping into bed with someone, we need something like this to drag out the courtship a little longer.”

All the authors attempt to create a new code of etiquette for a new time. Let’s see, Amy, how do I explain it? Men are sometimes women. A child can have four different mothers. Answering machines talk to one another.

As social arbiter Letitia Baldridge notes, “Manners comprise everything in our human relationships, all the things that we do all day long and the way we interrelate with people. And if any of these things change, then we want to change with them.”

That’s why Baldridge, the former chief of staff during Jackie Kennedy’s stint as First Lady, has written her “Complete Guide to the New Manners for the ‘90s.” (Remember her, Amy? In 1978, four years after your death, she updated your etiquette book. Then Tish decided she was a big enough name to go it alone.)

Baldridge, who cheerfully dispenses advice on what a pregnant bride should wear and whether it’s polite to send a dinner invitation through the fax machine, is convinced that manners are making a comeback in the ‘90s. “You bet. I see it in my mail, I see it in the people I lecture.”

But why? “We became very self-obsessed in the ‘80s when the philosophy was ‘succeed, make money and spend it.’ And I think it’s time to stand back and start spending as much energy thinking about other people.”

I thought, at 646 pages, Baldridge’s book would be le dernier cri . Yet, it’s beaten hands down in sheer heft and chutzpah by fellow Washingtonian Judith Martin’s latest opus, released in November and entitled grandly enough, “Miss Manners’ Guide for the Turn-of-the-Millennium.” The syndicated columnist takes 742 pages to impart her wit and wisdom on contemporary quandaries from the decline of the nuclear family to the rise in women in the workplace.

Are things really that bad to warrant so much space? “Certainly,” Martin sniffs. “We have such a long way to go to get to some place approaching civilization.”

It’s her view that American society is coming to the end of a generation-long experiment that started in the ‘60s when the baby-boomers decided just to chuck existing rules of behavior and be themselves.

“This is what I call the Jean Jacques Rousseau School of Etiquette,” Miss Manners relates. “The problem being that in our natural state we’re not all that livable.”

In addition, Martin sees our current social situation complicated by two main factors: technology— the fax machine and answering machines weren’t ubiquitous a decade ago— and sex. Not only are sexually transmitted diseases a topic that must be addressed these days, but so is sexual etiquette in the workplace.

“The very simple rule that takes care of most of these problems— that gender is simply not relevant in the workplace— is a very difficult concept to get across. Because once you realize that, then the questions of who goes through the door first and who pays for lunch are very easily settled by rank and position.”

Compare that to the Mayflower Madam. She was only too willing to be interviewed about this month’s “Mayflower Manners,” which describes itself as an “Etiquette for Consenting Adults.” Of course, Barrows is the very picture of politeness as she delves into such uncharted territory as: Is it rude to rip an exotic garment off a woman? (It depends on how much the thing costs.) Or when two people meet through personal ads, who is the host? (Whoever placed the ad.) Or even whether there are basic principles of etiquette that apply to the menage a trois. (No one should show favoritism.)

Barrows, of course, believes she’s providing a valuable public service. “I don’t think you’ll find anywhere in the other books the proper etiquette for treating a call girl or escort service. And I don’t think you’ll see too many pages on how to behave at an S & M party in a club or a private home.

“A lot of people think, ‘Ugh, an etiquette book’ and think of Letitia Baldridge and all that dry, ponderous stuff,” says Barrows, defending her lighter touch. “That’s what makes my book fun.”

But it wasn’t fun at all when a seemingly simple question about AIDS drew Barrows into a national controversy recently and one gay activist group in New York City claimed the Mayflower Madam had made a major faux pas.

The question was: “If a host invites a known carrier of AIDS to a dinner party, should he so inform his other guests?”

Barrows responded: “Yes. Most people will know that they cannot contract the disease by being seated at a dinner table with a carrier. But it is a courtesy to all to let them know ahead of time.”

As a result, Barrows was “disinvited” to the premiere of a movie, while her publisher, Doubleday, was asked to issue an apology.

Using language not printable in a family newspaper, Barrows fumed that she had been the victim of a setup by “a very radical gay group that’s always looking for media attention. How could I be disinvited to something when I was never invited in the first place? This whole thing is so personally upsetting to me I can’t tell you. It’s a real nightmare.”

As for what to do in the situation, Barrows still sticks by her advice. “I have a huge number of gay friends and every time I’ve ever been invited anywhere I was always told if there was somebody with AIDS who was going to be there. Not because these people were trying to warn me. But because they wanted other guests to have an extra level of sensitivity.”

On the other hand, both Baldridge and Martin didn’t see the necessity for telling anyone anything. “At most respectable dinner parties,” notes Miss Manners, “there wouldn’t be any activity where you would catch AIDS so I don’t see why you should have to tell people.”

But etiquette arbiter Charlotte Ford professed some confusion as to what to do. “Hmmm. Such a tough situation,” she murmured. “I think there are certain people who don’t care, and there are other people who would be just devastated if they were at a party with someone who had AIDS.”

Her solution, she decided, was simply not to invite the person with AIDS to dinner— which AIDS support groups say is also wrong.

So who’s right, Amy? I honestly don’t know. The only thing I’m certain of is that by next week, next month, next year, another social phenomenon will create another conundrum for etiquette experts.

And, Amy, you won’t be here to help us through it.

What’s the office etiquette when men and women work together?

JUDITH MARTIN: The very simple rule that takes care of most problems is that gender is simply not relevant in the workplace. Once you realize that, then the questions of who goes through the door first and who pays for lunch are very easily settled. It should be settled just as if it were an all-male workplace— by rank and position.

CHARLOTTE FORD: If I was a woman and invited to dinner by a male colleague, I would certainly say, “Let’s have lunch first.” I just wouldn’t be available for dinner.

How do you ask a man to wear a condom?

LETITIA BALDRIDGE: You can say to him, “I’m very sorry, but if you don’t use a condom, there’s just no way we can be together.” You can then give him some, or tell him where the nearest drugstore is, or tell him, “Let’s have dinner another night,” and send him away.

MARTIN: If you know the person well enough to make that necessary, you ought to be able to say anything. What amuses me is when people shift into prudery. If you are on intimate terms with somebody, surely you can ask them intimate questions.

FORD: I’d be a little bit embarrassed and a little bit shy and say, “Listen, I hope you’ve taken some sort of protection because I don’t want to contract any diseases, and I’m sure you don’t either.”

SYDNEY BIDDLE BARROWS: It is not seemly, nor necessary, to smile on the first date and say, “Love your dress. By the way, will you be giving me a fatal disease?” Instead, allow time to pass--that’s what these dates are for, after all. By the time sex seems a possibility, you will have necessarily both crossed that line beyond which these sensitive issues may be discussed.

If you’re giving a dinner party and invite someone who has AIDS, should you tell your other guests?

BALDRIDGE: I don’t think you tell anybody that the person has AIDS. Because frankly the guests are not catching AIDS from that person. It really isn’t relevant.

MARTIN: It depends on the activity of the dinner party. At most respectable dinner parties, there wouldn’t be any activity where you would catch AIDS, so I don’t see why should have to tell people. Would you tell your guests that one of them had cancer? But if you were giving an orgy, I think you should tell people.

FORD: I don’t know that I would invite somebody to dinner knowing they have AIDS, simply because I think it would make everybody very uncomfortable. But I think it all depends on the situation. If you are going to do that, I think you have to be very careful how you do it and whom you invite.

BARROWS: Yes. Most people will know that they cannot contract the disease by being seated at a dinner table with a carrier. But it is a courtesy to all to let them know ahead of time.

What is the proper way to use your answering machine?

BALDRIDGE: The best way is to record as short a message as possible, 15 seconds, and be very business-like and be very up.

MARTIN: The telephone is a very rude instrument. Monitoring calls on the answering machine is polite. People somehow put the onus of politeness mistakenly against people who do not accept all calls at any time. There is nothing wrong with picking and choosing.

Is it polite for a mother to breast-feed her baby in public?

BALDRIDGE: Definitely not. Anyone looking over, especially any man, immediately starts to conjecture about the size and shape of the breast.

MARTIN: No. In some countries people breast - feed on the street, but it is not done properly in the United States, and the argument that it is a natural thing bears no weight with me.

FORD: I’ve always said that whatever a mother wants to do is her business. The only thing is, I think you should do it in private. Go to an airport area not populated by people, go into another room in someone’s house.

If a child has several sets of parents because of divorces, how do you decide who should come to school on parents’ day?

BALDRIDGE: It’s up to the child to decide whom he or she wants. The child should ask that parent to come and then apologize to the others and explain why they weren’t asked.

FORD: It all depends on the relationship between the adults. Forget the children. It’s the adults that set the mood for whatever the function’s going to be. It’s very, very hard, but somebody’s got to bite the bullet.

MARTIN: That is incredibly complicated. I’d say parents, their mates and assorted other people who want to be involved. I was president of a school board where we didn’t realize for a long time that it was offensive to send out questionnaires where it gave only one line for “mother’s name” and “father’s name.” So we would put four lines under each for families to do what they liked. So those things have had to be adjusted.

What is the worst new breach of entertaining etiquette?

BALDRIDGE: Some people feel that they should turn on their TV sets even at dinner parties. I’ve seen guests leave the table to go and watch their favorite football game in the library.

MARTIN: The understood social contract whereby the host sets the terms of the contract and the guests can take it or leave it has broken down miserably. People now consider an invitation to be the opening of negotiations. You tell me what you’re serving for dinner, and then I tell you this is going to kill me, or you tell me who the other guests are and then I decide if I want to accept. And heaven forbid if you try to set a dress code.

FORD: Hosts who ask guests to take their shoes off. You have to respect your host’s wishes. But as somebody said, if their carpets are that good, why do they ever have any guests? — By Nikki Finke, Los Angeles Times, 1990

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette After “Sweets Course”

The French ‘Sweets Course’ is known as the ‘Dessert Course’ in the USA, and the ‘Pudding Course’ in the U.K. Above is a vintage British, double-layered, boxed set of silver plated, pudding forks, pudding spoons and a serving fork and spoon.
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“Just at the close of dinner, after ice cream, pie or pudding has been disposed of and when fruit is about to be served, a dessert plate, with doily and finger bowl upon it is placed before each guest ...”

The Embroidered Doily and Finger Bowl 

That fashionable little embroidered doily is not meant for use. It is laid over the fruit dessert plate and serves as a mat for the finger bowl, which is placed upon it. Just at the close of dinner, after ice cream, pie or pudding has been disposed of and when fruit is about to be served, a dessert plate, with doily and finger bowl upon it is placed before each guest, who removes the finger bowl and the doily and places them at the left of the plate. The finger bowl contains a little water and a bit of lemon. After dipping the fingers in the bowl, they are dried on the dinner napkin, or a regular fruit napkin, provided for that purpose. —San Diego Bee, 1887

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Learning the Language of Customs

Obviously, you can’t be expected to know every obscure or bizarre custom or law of countries you visit. But it does help to know certain essential rules of etiquette. In Brazil, never wear green and yellow, the colors of the flag. People will laugh at you. Don’t give the thumbs-up sign in Iran, Ghana or the Soviet Union— it’s considered obscene. Waving your hand back and forth might seem like the appropriate gesture for “hello” in the United States, but in Greece it’s a rude gesture called the moutza.

Manners: When abroad, it’s not enough for travelers to know the language of a particular country. One should also know its customs and rules of etiquette.

Not long ago I was in a business meeting with a government official in the Middle East. I sat on a chair. My associate sat on a low couch facing our host. Everything went fine until my friend, uncomfortable with his position on the couch, crossed his legs.

The official grew agitated, appeared nervous and soon ended the meeting. As we walked outside, our interpreter explained what had happened. When my friend crossed his legs, his feet were raised and seemed to point directly at the official. It was considered an insult. Not having been forewarned, we had acted inappropriately.

Slowly but surely, Americans traveling abroad are discovering that it’s not enough simply to know the language. To avoid making some small— and some not-so-small — social blunders in foreign countries, it pays to know a few of their more important customs and manners.

Obviously, you can’t be expected to know every obscure or bizarre custom or law of countries you visit. But it does help to know certain essential rules of etiquette.

In Brazil, never wear green and yellow, the colors of the flag. People will laugh at you. Don’t give the thumbs-up sign in Iran, Ghana or the Soviet Union— it’s considered obscene. Waving your hand back and forth might seem like the appropriate gesture for “hello” in the United States, but in Greece it’s a rude gesture called the moutza.

Whatever you do, don’t give the “A-OK” sign with your hand in Tunisia. Forming a circle with your thumb and forefinger essentially means “I’ll kill you” in that country. If you make the same symbol in Japan, people will think you’re begging for money.

If you lay your chopsticks down on the table in Korea, it’s a signal that you have ended your meal. If you lay them down in Japan, be sure they’re not pointed in the direction of any other guest at the table. That’s a taboo.

Then there’s the problem of body language. In Thailand, tradition dictates that the “eyes are the windows of the heart.” Eye contact is a large part of the Thai culture. As long as you look into a person’s eyes, your look probably will be returned with a smile. But don’t stare.

And don’t wink at anyone in Hong Kong. It’s considered quite impolite. Also, be aware of body linguistics. Watch what you do with your hands and feet in countries such as India and Thailand. A friendly slap on the back to a Thai could get you into trouble. Finger pointing is rude, and while sitting, never point your feet in the direction of another person--that is a serious insult.

In Chile, holding your hand with the palm up and the fingers separated means stupid. And a right fist raised to the level of the head might have been hip in 1972, but not these days. (It’s the Communist sign). Then there’s this longstanding bizarre rule: In Albania, federal law prohibits singing in public.

As for keeping your distance, a good rule to follow is that when introduced to someone in a foreign country, keep things relatively formal until you fully understand the customs.

Recently an American businessman visiting Malaysia did not follow this advice. He went to the country to close a deal on a lucrative contract. At a ceremony to celebrate the beginning of negotiations, he was introduced to someone he thought was called “Roger.” Trying to be more familiar, he called the man “Rog.” One small problem. The man to whom he was talking was a rajah.

There are a number of good books that can guide you through the subtle but important differences (and expectations) in foreign customs and manners. Nancy Braganti and Elizabeth Devine have written both “The Travelers’ Guide to Asian Customs and Manners” (St. Martin’s Press) and “The Travelers’ Guide to Latin American Customs and Manners” (St. Martin’s Press).

The guides deal with variations in behavior, dress, legal matters, tipping and how to avoid major gaffes in language and general conversation. Some of the advice is excellent: “If you’re changing money at a bank in Chile, be prepared to stand in long lines, since people pay their bills there.”

Some of it is more or less universal: “When you ask Argentines for directions on the street, they will give you very detailed instructions, even if they have no idea where your destination is. It’s a matter of pride for Argentines to act as if they know the correct response.” (From my experience, the same advice applies equally in New York, Tanzania and Canton, Ohio.)

Then there’s something called “Culturgrams,” four-page leaflets packed with etiquette and customs information on 90 countries. The series is produced by the David M. Kennedy Center for International Studies at Brigham Young University.

You don’t have to leave home to benefit from “Foreignisms” by Tad Duleja (Macmillan). The book calls itself a “dictionary of foreign expressions commonly (and not so uncommonly) used in English.”

It explains, in entertaining detail, the meaning and origins of phrases and terms ranging from oy vey to gringo, to a full glossary of French ballet terminology. After all, you never know when you’ll be called on to explain the difference between a glissade and a sissonne.

Two other books deal with an approach to foreign language that can only described as definitely not Berlitz. “Wicked French” and “Wicked Italian,” both by Howard Tomb (Workman Publishing), will not help you become fluent in these languages, but will help you develop the appropriate hip attitude with French or Italian.

For example, under the “Words of Love” section the author helps American tourists with such phrases as “vous etes une super nana " (you are one fabulous babe).

Other selections include “Entuyons nous ensemble sur mon yacht, mon petit Chou” (Come away with me on my yacht, my little cabbage).

The “Wicked Italian” book offers even more practical phrases. The chapter “Shouting in Traffic” gives six suggestions, ranging from “Che pezzo di stupido!”(What a jerk!) to the more colorful “Speriamo che all’inferno le insegneranno a guidare” (Maybe they will teach you to drive in hell).— By Peter Greenberg, 1989

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Sushi is Steeped in Etiquette

Dip the sushi fish-side down in soy sauce, then place it fish-side down on your tongue and eat it in one bite. Don’t insult the chef by using too much soy sauce or too much wasabi (Japanese horseradish). You are supposed to savor the delicate natural flavors of the seafood. Sushi is served in pairs rather than singles to allow fuller appreciation of the taste.
— Photo source, Pinterest 

Japan’s Traditional Seafood Dish

Some salient points about sushi:

• It is proper to eat these rice and seafood morsels with your fingers, grasping them with the thumb and first two fingers. Or you can use chopsticks.
• Before eating, wash your hands with the moistened towel that is offered, but don’t use it to wipe your face and neck.
• Dip the sushi fish-side down in soy sauce, then place it fish-side down on your tongue and eat it in one bite.
• Don’t insult the chef by using too much soy sauce or too much wasabi (Japanese horseradish). You are supposed to savor the delicate natural flavors of the seafood.
• Sushi is served in pairs rather than singles to allow fuller appreciation of the taste.
• Sushi chefs like their work because they thrive on the lively atmosphere of the sushi bar and enjoy pleasing customers.
• It takes 10 years of training before they are qualified to purchase fish.
• Left handed sushi chefs face one disadvantage. Knives constructed for left handers are more expensive than ordinary knives.

This was some of the information presented to the Los Angeles Chapter of the American Institute of Wine and Food during Sushi Sunday, a seminar and tasting at the New Otani Hotel and Garden in Little Tokyo.

Eleven of Los Angeles’ leading sushi chefs explained their craft, answered questions and demonstrated how they cut up fish. Then they adjourned to individual sushi bars in an adjacent room to produce sushi for tasting.

Queried about the dangers of eating raw fish, the chefs responded that knowledgeable selection and handling of the ingredients should ensure safety. Problems are more likely to occur with improperly trained “instant” sushi chefs.

The so-called “sushi worm” occurs naturally in some fish during certain seasons, they said. Savvy sushi masters know how to spot and avoid it. And if they purchase fish that turns out to be defective, they either discard it or return it to the supplier.

When asked if women were qualified for their profession, they responded negatively. Women don’t make good sushi chefs because their body temperature is warmer than that of men. Thus they are unsuited to handling raw fish, the chefs claimed.

Not fish but eggs are used to judge the merits of a sushi bar. A traditional way to test an establishment is to sample its version of tamago-yaki, a thick, sweet omelet that is served sushi style. If the test is not satisfactory, the customer is entitled to leave without paying for the sample, the chefs said. The preparation of this omelet by combining layers of the sweetened egg mixture in a rectangular pan was also demonstrated at the program.

Sushi has a long history. One theory holds that it originated not in Japan but in Southeast Asia, where fish was packed in rice and allowed to ferment. The acid produced by the rice during fermentation acted as a preservative. Thus the fish could be stored and shipped without spoiling.

The Japanese copied this idea and, at first, ate only the fish and discarded the rice. Later, they ate both the seafood and rice. In the mid 17th Century they shortened the sushi-making procedure by adding vinegar to the rice rather than waiting for fermentation.

In 1824, the fish-topped cakes of rice that mean sushi to most Americans were introduced to the Japanese by an inhabitant of what is now Tokyo. This form of sushi is called nigiri-zushi or Edomae-zushi, Edo being the old name for Tokyo. — By B. Hansen, Times Staff Writer, 1989

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Kissing History and Etiquette

It may come as a surprise, but not all cultures think of kissing as romantic. In the 1400s, when Europeans first embarked on their path of conquest and exploration, kissing was unknown in many parts of the world. The Chinese found the whole idea of public kissing gross. And when members of an African tribe spotted two Europeans in a passionate kiss, they wondered what could be wrong with those people.

Historically Speaking, A Kiss Is Not Just a Kiss

You’ve seen it dozens of times. The camera gets close, the music soars, a hush falls over the audience, then, in a swirl of sound, the film hero kisses his sweetie.

Even in this era of more graphic movie lovemaking, the kiss still holds a special place, perhaps because it’s a sign of affection we all recognize. From the mother’s peck for an infant to children’s innocent busses for grandparents, kissing is with us always.

But how natural is the kiss?

Foreign to Some Cultures

It may come as a surprise, but not all cultures think of kissing as romantic. In the 1400s, when Europeans first embarked on their path of conquest and exploration, kissing was unknown in many parts of the world.

When confronted by puckering conquistadors, some natives showed no emotion at all, while others fled in terror, said Prof. Vaughn Bryant, chairman of the Texas A&M; anthropology department and an expert in the kiss’s history.

The Chinese found the whole idea of public kissing gross. And when members of an African tribe spotted two Europeans in a passionate kiss, they wondered what could be wrong with those people.

No one can say for sure how kissing started. Some say it dates to an infant’s basic desire for mother’s milk. Others think it might have begun as a way for the human male and female to show they were not going to bite each other. Then, there are those who suggest it began when people wanted to lick each other’s faces for salt.

Nose-Rubbing That Slipped

Bryant believes it’s possible that the romantic kiss grew out of an early lovemaking ritual, rubbing noses. “Somebody must have slipped and found that the lips were a lot more sensitive than the nose,” he said.

Kissing first emerged from the mists of pre-recorded history about 4,000 years ago. Bryant found the reference to romantic nose-rubbing leading to a kiss in the ancient East Indian book, the “Rig-Veda.” The practice spread west into Persia at some point.

The Greeks had the habit of throwing kisses at statues of the gods as a sign of respect. The story goes that Greek orator Demosthenes (384-322 BC) was being taken by guards to meet an enemy king. He asked his captors if they would take him to the nearest temple. The guards thought nothing amiss when Demosthenes raised his hands to his lips for the traditional sacred kiss. They could not see the poison in his hand that made this kiss his last.

It took the ancient Romans to raise kissing to an art. The race of soldiers saw no reason not to make both love and war. Bryant calls them “the kissingest culture that ever existed.” To make the kiss more potent, upper-class Romans took to perfuming their mouths with Oriental spices. The emperor got his hand kissed.

But all the heavy smooching soon was creating a scandal. Old-time Roman moralists were overwhelmed by it. And kissing was not without risk. Early in the 1st Century, the Emperor Tiberius felt that there was only one way to handle a herpes epidemic: He banned social kissing from Gaul to Egypt.

Faire la Bise Etiquette — According to Condé Nast Traveler, “A kiss, by name, has its charming differences—it's el beso in Spain, beijnhos in Portugal, beijos in Brazil, and beso-beso in the Philippines—but the logistics are fairly straightforward. You start by leaning in and placing right cheek to right cheek, before moving to the left side—and back and forth thereafter if additional pecks are required. The primary exception is Italy, which starts il bacio on the left.”
 Former French First Lady, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, mastered the art of the kiss. Photo: Sipa Press / Rex Features

Hems and Boots

Then, in the Middle Ages, kissing distinctions evolved: equals kissed on the lips; hem-of-garment and foot-kissing was for the lowest of the low. Kissing the ground next to a superior’s boot was for the ignominious, and from this arose phrases like kiss the dirt and boot licker .

The Christian church adopted some of the old Roman kissing rite in a religious ceremony. The kiss that the groom gives the bride at a wedding comes from that era.

At the Council of Vienna (1311-1312), the Catholic Church tried to regulate kissing, according it status as a mortal or venal sin depending on the degrees of lovers’ intent.

By the late 1600s, a period noteworthy for plagues sweeping the Continent, mouth kissing had faded from public practice. So, a whole etiquette of greeting grew up. Gentlemen would bow or doff their plumed hats. Ladies would curtsy. It was at this time, some experts say, that the handshake emerged, evolving from the obeisant kiss on the back of a superior’s hand.

The kiss from this time forward was regarded as something private, which should be given that way. As late as 1900, an American etiquette guide declared public kissing “a reprehensible custom and should not be tolerated in good society.” Emily Post, in statements in the 1920s, declared that when a couple meet in a restaurant, he should “on no account kiss her . . . in good society ladies (also) do not kiss each other when they meet either at parties or in public.”

But much changed in America since President Calvin Coolidge’s era. And now, trend-setters note, social kissing has even become a practice in certain business circles.— The Allentown Morning Call, 1989

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Dress Code Insults Etiquette?

The late, Harold Brooks-Baker, an American authority on British nobility who was a sought-after commentator on the doings -- serious, scandalous or merely ridiculous -- of the British royal family, was at one time managing director of Debrett’s. He published in 1978 a tongue-in-cheek, bestselling guide to The English Gentleman, who “does not drive a Rolls-Royce unless it is very old and smells of dogs”, and always “speaks to the engineer before a train trip because of an old belief that he owns the railroad.”

When Black Tie Became an Insult

(Reuter’s) LONDON — 

 

President Reagan’s protocol staff inadvertently insulted Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev by insisting that he wear a black tie (dinner jacket) at a summit banquet, according to Britain’s leading etiquette expert at the time.

Harold Brooks-Baker of Burke’s Peerage, a guide to the British aristocracy, told reporters it was an insult to mark “black tie” on invitations because international custom requires the guest of honor to be given the choice of dress.

Reagan was the Kremlin leader’s host at a White House banquet during the historic U.S.-Soviet summit meeting in Washington D.C., in December of 1987.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Soup Etiquette Tips

Sherry is the first wine offered at dinner, and then usually with a soup that contains Sherry in the preparation. Sherry should never be offered with cream of chicken soup or vichyssoise, but with turtle or black-bean soup, for instance. Clear soups are often served in a shallow bowl rather than a cup. When the level of soup is so low that you must lift the bowl to avoid scraping the bottom, lift the near edge with your left hand and tip the bowl away from you. Then spoon the soup away from you.

When soup is served for a luncheon or dinner, Emily Post’s “Etiquette” offers the following advice:

• Soup should be the first of six courses. It should be followed by fish, the entree, salad, dessert and coffee. Six is the maximum number of courses for even the most elaborate dinner; and for an informal luncheon, two or three courses are sufficient— soup, entree and dessert.
• Soup at a luncheon is served in two-handled cups. The soup is eaten with a teaspoon, or the cup may be picked up and the soup may be sipped, if it has sufficiently cooled. A clear soup is usually served.
• Sherry is the first wine offered at dinner, and then usually with a soup that contains Sherry in the preparation. Sherry should never be offered with cream of chicken soup or vichyssoise, but with turtle or black-bean soup, for instance.
• Clear soups are often served in a shallow bowl rather than a cup. When the level of soup is so low that you must lift the bowl to avoid scraping the bottom, lift the near edge with your left hand and tip the bowl away from you. Then spoon the soup away from you.
• Both soup cups and soup bowls should be served with a saucer or plate beneath them. The spoon, when not in use or when the soup is finished, is laid on the saucer underneath.

Amy Vanderbilt, in the “Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette,” says: 

• Soup should always be kept flowing in the opposite direction from one’s lap. The soup spoon should be filled from its far side, and soup then poured gently into the mouth with its near side.
• Vanderbilt says that if dumplings, vegetables, mushrooms or other garnishes are floating on top, eat these first by using the spoon, before the liquid part of the soup is drunk. If noodles are at the bottom of the bowl, spoon them up before consuming the liquid.
• If you take a large spoonful of extremely hot soup, don’t spit it out, concludes Vanderbilt. Instead, take a quick drink of water to cool your mouth. If you have burned your mouth, an exception may be made to the rule against drinking with food already in your mouth.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Spanish Business Etiquette

Who sits where at a dining table? — Students are taught how to arrange seating (Anglo-Saxon protocol has guests of honor at the head, Latin protocol has them in the middle), how to sit correctly (elbows off the table), when to smoke (not until the coffee arrives) and which knife and fork to use (start from the outside).

Minding Manners Abroad : A Finishing Touch for Businessmen in Spain

At Spain’s newest business school, young executives are learning how to peel oranges, choose French wines and greet Arab princes.

Management, marketing and accounting are out: The Academy of Manners, Customs and Behavior is strictly concerned with the social side of doing business abroad.

The academy is the brainchild of three young entrepreneurs in the northeastern region of Catalonia, who saw their foreign ventures stumble on non-commercial obstacles.

Jose Ramon Tobia, for example, could not understand why his Arab workers in Abu Dhabi would take a break every three hours and refused to work at his pace. Then someone explained about Moslem prayer schedules.

200 Students

“I knew nothing about their religion,” he said.

“I talked to my friends and we realized that there were lots of people in Spain who were not equipped to deal with the rest of the world.”

Since the businessman’s finishing school opened in May, about 200 people have taken classes. The basic course is 75,000 pesetas ($550) for 12 two-hour sessions, while specially tailored programs for executives visiting specific countries cost two or three times as much.

“Of course, joining the Common Market helped,” co-founder Mario Gargallo said. Spain entered the European Community at the start of the year.

“People are traveling more and receiving more foreign visitors, and they want to improve themselves,” he said.

The Catalans have considered themselves Spain’s most urbane citizens, drawn by culture and tradition to emulate French and Italian sophistication.

They are also Spain’s most successful and innovative business executives, and the combination has made the academy an instant hit.

The Business Lunch

“In Madrid, they do their business and then go out to celebrate,” said Gargallo. “But in Barcelona, a business lunch is for doing business.”

So the business lunch is at the heart of the syllabus.

Students are taught how to arrange seating (Anglo-Saxon protocol has guests of honor at the head, Latin protocol has them in the middle), how to sit correctly (elbows off the table), when to smoke (not until the coffee arrives) and which knife and fork to use (start from the outside).

Then they progress to trickier subjects: peeling unshelled prawns and choosing the right wines.

The academy’s wine instructor, writer and restaurateur Jose Maria Gotarda, spends much of his time correcting misconceptions.

“The most common mistake is thinking that because a wine is older, it must be better,” he said.

“In fact, a Rioja from 1981, which was one of the great years, is far superior to a 1973, which was very bad.”

Gargallo said the restaurants and hotels where they hold their courses confirmed that Spanish table manners leave a lot to be desired.

“Head waiters always tell us that at a reception, the English and the Germans wait to be offered hors d’oeuvres while the Spaniards throw themselves on the food,” he said.

Pupils also have to be prepared for different eating habits abroad. The prospective traveler to Britain, for instance, is told not to be surprised by a cooked breakfast and to eat it, or risk hunger later.

Punctuality

The academy has specialists on all major foreign countries and some companies have sent along groups of employees. One Japanese multinational firm this month ordered lessons for five of its Spanish staff members who will travel to Japan soon.

But can the academy succeed in making Spaniards what they evidently are not?

“We don’t want Spaniards to be punctual like the English,” said Tobia. “But when they go to a business meeting with an Englishman, we want them to get there on time.”

He and his partners now have ambitious plans for expansion. They intend to open branches next year in Madrid, Valencia, Seville and Oviedo, and are looking at buying their own restaurant in Barcelona to serve as a venue for classes.

They have even been approached by parents who would like courses in manners and etiquette for their children.

“Twenty years ago, we had to study manners at school,” said the academy’s Fernando Lizcano de la Rosa, head of protocol at the Barcelona town hall.

“People no longer know how to shake hands with the king and they want to learn how to do things properly,” he said. — From Reuter’s, Barcelona, Spain 1986

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Profiles in Etiquette — Hannah Bavly

Hannah Bavly (1901 - 1993) — “Born into an aristocratic Polish-Jewish family around the turn of the century— she prefers not to say exactly when— Bavly learned ladylike behavior from a German governess. After immigrating to what was then Palestine, she married a proper Dutch Jew and honed her manners on the countless official lunches and dinners they gave while her husband was the Israeli ambassador to South Africa.”
— Public Domain Photo

Does Zionism Allow for Good Manners? 

The ‘Emily Post’ of Israel hopes so.

Hanna Bavly’s is a modern Israeli voice crying in the wilderness.

Born into an aristocratic Polish-Jewish family around the turn of the century— she prefers not to say exactly when— Bavly learned ladylike behavior from a German governess. After immigrating to what was then Palestine, she married a proper Dutch Jew and honed her manners on the countless official lunches and dinners they gave while her husband was the Israeli ambassador to South Africa.

Returning to Israel 25 years ago, she began answering readers’ questions on etiquette for the Hebrew-language newspaper Haaretz. Later she wrote “The Manners and Customs Manual” for the Israeli Foreign Ministry and gave lectures and courses on politeness.

Still, the lady some people call Israel’s ‘Emily Post’ concedes that she is a one-woman industry.

“I have no competition,” Bavly said in an interview at her home here. “I’m a lonely fighter.”

Even the most strident Zionist will admit that Bavly’s help is needed.

Advice to Tourists

“Sabras (as native-born Israelis are called) as a group are not the best-mannered adults on the planet,” advises the Rogue’s Guide to Israel, a popular tourist guide published here. In fact, the guide adds, “It has been suggested that should a well-bred Frenchman of the 18th Century glance at Israel today, he would think he had been transported to some barbaric tribe in the heart of the deepest part of the jungle.”

In his guide for new immigrants, “Will the Real Israel Please Stand Up,” author Leon Fine warns that some newcomers never adjust to the “shoving, pushing and rudeness.” The happiest ones, he suggests, are those who “quickly learn to do as the Romans do.”

An Israeli professional woman said she was taken aback when she met her Sabra brother-in-law at the airport upon his return from an 18-month study tour in the United States.

“Suddenly I heard this voice saying ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ and lots of other non-Israeli expressions,” the woman said. “I had to look twice to be sure it was he.”

A popular new Israeli satirical review includes a sketch that turns the story of “My Fair Lady” on its head. The Israeli Eliza starts out cultured and learns how to be crude in order to fit in.

“It is time we stopped making excuses for bad behavior, especially by people employed in the service of the public,” Michael Galland, who immigrated to Israel eight years ago, wrote in a recent letter to the English-language Jerusalem Post.

“This blind acceptance of the way things are done in Israel permeates not only our social contacts but our very existence,” he complained. “Do we not have to contend with enough pressures and hardship without adding to them bad behavior, poor manners and lack of consideration?”

Galland was particularly appalled by an airline employee pushing a trolley cart who bulled his way through a crowd of waiting passengers. But other examples of bad manners abound.

“In Israel, a man’s home is rarely his castle, and people just drop by uninvited or unannounced,” Fine said in his guide for immigrants. Such behavior is so common, he noted, that those who do not indulge are considered to be either snobbish or abnormal.

Even on a first visit to one’s home, Israelis are fond of wandering about, inspecting books, photographs and knickknacks. It is not thought to be in bad taste to ask how much the hosts paid for anything--including the house or apartment itself.

Reading your neighbor’s newspaper over his shoulder while riding the bus is considered polite. In fact, the reader who doesn’t offer a few pages of his paper to a nosy fellow passenger is thought to be boorish.

“Israelis detest standing on lines and will use any pretext or form of skulduggery to avoid taking their just turn in a queue,” the Rogue’s Guide says. The same attitude, the book warns, extends to the highways, where “courtesy on the road is unheard of, and an Israeli who yields the right of way to another driver is seen as a coward or a sissy.”

On the subject of talking, the guide points out that Sabras prefer high volume.

“It is not that they mean to offend or to pick an argument,” according to the guide. “It is simply that shouting instead of speaking is the accepted norm.”

Israelis offer various explanations for what they admit is a national lack of manners. Bavly notes that Israel is a melting pot of immigrants from 100 or more different cultures, “and each one brought his manners with him.”

‘We Are Not British’

“An elderly man from an Arab culture will not get behind a young man in line,” Bavly said. “He will go to the top.”

She also points out that Israel, in the tone of its national voice, merely reflects the norm in this part of the world.

“We are not British,” she said. “We belong to the Mediterranean.”

Others argue that Israelis are too busy worrying about issues of life and death to be overly concerned with manners. Fine notes in his guide: “Israelis tend to be more suspicious, nervous and impatient than other people. But these characteristics were learned during centuries of pogroms, suffering and trying to get along without succeeding. They are gripers, but what else can they do considering the heavy load they bear? What other people could endure such problems and keep their sanity, much less their good manners?”

Rebellious Attitude?

Still others see rough manners as part of the “New Jew’s” rebellion against the image of the ghetto Jew, bowing and scraping to his oppressors. In this view, politeness becomes a sign of weakness.

Another factor is the strong socialist streak in Israel’s history, with its emphasis on egalitarianism.

“An Israeli waiter will no longer indignantly return a proffered tip. But he will not be servile to the customers as he might elsewhere,” Fine said. “He will do his job without being charming and is not disappointed if the diner seems dissatisfied. Israelis are simply not at ease in circumstances requiring formality or positions of service, and their behavior reflects this attitude. It is the unusual office clerk or waiter who is as courteous as his counterpart in Europe or America.”

To Bavly, it is basically a problem of education.

“What are good manners?” she asked rhetorically. “It’s not only how to eat. It’s how to have consideration for the other one. . . . I tell them (audiences) that if you happen to be on an island alone, you don’t have to have good manners. But the minute somebody else arrives, you have to have consideration. Behavior is different in different countries, but consideration is something that goes with us.”

Basically, Bavly said, Israelis “are very kind. They will do anything for you. But they have never learned how to behave.”— By Dan Fisher, Times Staff Writer, Tel Aviv, 1986

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Importance of the Japanese Meishi

It is not only businessmen who carry cards. So do Buddhist monks, gangsters, taxi drivers, prostitutes, artisans and military officers. But relatively few women have them in this male-dominated society. — Japan’s time-honoured ritual of exchanging business cards face-to-face is under pressure as the government promotes a “new lifestyle” to combat the coronavirus. —Above, Japanese job-hunting students dressed in suits practice swapping business cards during a business manners seminar at a placement centre in Tokyo. ... The ‘meishi koukan’ (名刺交換) is considered to be a formal introduction, when Japanese meet in a business setting for the first time, and they present business cards.
May 28, 2012. REUTERS/Toru Hanai/File Photo

Meishi Card: It’s Not Who You Are

Like the American cowboy and his six-gun, the Japanese male seldom ventures out without the security of his business card.

He is almost certain to need it. Every day in Japan, about 10 million to 12 million of the 2-by-3-inch meishi are passed in precise ceremonial exchanges of bows that help glue this status-oriented society together.

In receiving a card, a person learns the name, address and telephone number of the other person. More important, he learns his rank, making clear how this new acquaintance must be treated, what class of honorific words should be used, who is senior and who is junior.

But the card is just as much for the giver’s benefit. In Japan, the link to a company or organization is a major source of self-esteem. The card abbreviates his identity in society, acting like a sort of printed security blanket.

“People are not much confident about themselves merely as themselves,” said Masahiro Yonemura, a Tokyo stationery store salesmen who helps customers order cards from close to 500 designs. “They cover this lack of confidence with a meishi. “

Foreigners never quite master the etiquette of the exchange of cards, no matter how many times they do it. Japanese often get it right only through formal instruction as company trainees. It is invariably conducted first thing in a first meeting.

With one hand, the giver deftly produces from a pocket the special folder, often made of expensive leather, in which cards are carried.

With the other, he deals out one with a crisp little snap of the wrist, something like a casino dealer’s. Simultaneously, he calls out his name and makes a brief bow.

It is bad form simply to pocket a newly received card. You should study it for a moment with a furrowed look of interest. Any notes you want to scribble on it to help you remember the new acquaintance must wait until he is gone. The next time you meet him, you must not offer a card again, because that would mean you had forgotten him.

Buddhist Monks, Gangsters, Taxi Drivers

To snub someone, you can take his card and offer none in return, without explanation. Businessmen sometimes complain that they get this treatment from bureaucrats. You have thus established that he is the inferior.

It is not only businessmen who carry cards. So do Buddhist monks, gangsters, taxi drivers, prostitutes, artisans and military officers. But relatively few women have them in this male-dominated society.

People sometimes use the cards to express themselves. Gangsters, who fancy themselves as guardians of the feudal samurai code of honor, sometimes have theirs done in old-fashioned, hand-brushed Chinese characters.

Designers often proffer brightly colored ones, resembling slick advertising layouts. Wealthy teen-agers might have theirs done up with catchy phrases for passing out at discotheques.

Guides to doing business in Japan invariably underline the folly of trying to get by without meishi. Japan Air Lines even allows foreign executives to order cards from the airline in their home countries and pick them up on arrival at Tokyo’s international airport.

Takaharu Iwasaki, an economics commentator, tried, as a sociological experiment, to do without a card several years ago. It created confusion and suspicion at every turn. Factory gate guards in particular, he recalled, eyed him with distrust. Now he carries one, but it bears no title. “That creates many troubled expressions,” he said.

Generally, the lower the rank, the more information on the card. A junior office worker’s card will lay out in encyclopedic detail where he stands in the bureaucratic heap: title, office, division, bureau, department, company. At the scale’s other end are cards such as the prime minister’s, which reads simply: “Yasuhiro Nakasone.” Or, in the supreme condensation, the emperor’s: “Hirohito.” The emperor does not hand out these cards himself. They might be included with gifts sent from the palace or delivered by retainers as thanks for official banquets.

Importance of Big Title

The cards have many side uses, too.

If you are at a restaurant and find you have no money, all is not lost. Often, you can leave your card with the cashier and make arrangements to pay later.

In fact, a meishi carries much of the authority of an official identification card.

“Japanese people trust the meishi, especially if it carries a big title,” said Yoshito Horiguchi, president of the Heiwado Inc. printing company and lifetime student of the business card’s place in Japanese society.

Since anyone can order any card and printers make no effort to verify their customers’ credentials, the custom is also custom-made for crime.

By far the most celebrated example is the “Imperial Bank incident” of 1948, in which a man posing as a health official fatally poisoned 12 employees of one of the bank’s branches in Tokyo and then robbed the safe.

The man gained entrance to the bank after closing hour by presenting a card identifying him as Dr. Shigeru Matsui. Later, a painter named Sadamichi Hirasawa was convicted of the murders, and an important part of the evidence against him was that he had exchanged cards with the real Dr. Matsui several months before the crime. Hirasawa is still fighting the verdict from the death row of a Japanese prison.

Petty fraud is more common, however. Some years ago, taxis in the northern city of Sapporo offered to allow passengers to leave their cards with the driver and pay later. It was discontinued after riders repeatedly handed over other people’s meishi.

Most uses, however, are above board. In every man’s life comes the time when he must give up the card. In some cases, dismissed employees ritually destroy each card to mark the separation. Those who make it to retirement often feel anxious about having no meishi in their pockets.

Iwasaki, the economics commentator, advises people to get private cards, with no title or company, at about the age of 45 and get used to handing them out.

“Use it in your community and try to establish yourself as yourself,” he said. “If you start this habit at a certain age, you won’t feel so lonely when you’re no longer a company man.”— By John Burgess, Washington Post, Tokyo, 1986 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia