An Alfresco Italian-Style Luncheon

The company was large, and for the greater part, all of its members were known to one another in long established friendships; so that there was a delightful freedom from the restraints of etiquette in the informality of the feast and the conversation. The luncheon, which was after the Italian manner, was devised with the simplicity of the master, prepared with the skill of an artist, and was served with the liberality of a prince. It was accompanied by both white and red wines.  
—Image of a 19th century pergola, still beautiful in its state. Source, Pinterest 

A Fete at El Quito

One of the chief social events of the past week was the garden party with which E. E. Goodrich entertained his friends on Thursday among the cherry trees and olive groves of his beautiful home, El Quito. The day was propitious to an outdoor fete in the evening. It had been warm at noon, but at the hour when the company began to arrive there was a pleasant coolness in the air and a general sense of freshness, which made it a joy to be out of doors and out of town.

Mr. Goodrich received his guests on their arrival in an arbor of grapevines called “the pergola” and led them to the cherry trees, where the ripe and delicious fruit hung tempting and luscious in great abundance among the green leaves. Orchard ladders were placed beneath the branches for the convenience of the ladies, and perched on them they feasted to the fulness of desire, while the gentlemen bending down the lower limbs of the tree fared not less sumptuously. At sundown a bell from the residence summoned to a luncheon which was spread beneath a natural bow formed chiefly of a huge oak tree, and partly of two pepper trees which grew near it. 

The company was large, and for the greater part, all of its members were known to one another in long established friendships; so that there was a delightful freedom from the restraints of etiquette in the informality of the feast and the conversation. The luncheon, which was after the Italian manner, was devised with the simplicity of the master, prepared with the skill of an artist, and was served with the liberality of a prince. It was accompanied by both white and red wines. 

The menu was written on bits of olive wood which were kept by the ladies as pretty souvenirs of the festival. The time of the twilight had come when the company left the tables and gathered in chairs and hammocks in an other part of the lawn. Here the gentlemen smoked their cigars, while a musical coterie composed of some of the best musicians and sweetest singers in San Jose, tilled the night with the melodies of voice and flute and banjo. 

As the air grew darker with the coming night, Japanese lanterns were lit in the arbors and among the trees, and added their fantastic brilliancy to the beauty of the starry evening. Addresses of thanks to the host on the part of the guests were made by N. J. Haines and Judge Spencer. A quartet of Italian laborers in the orchard closed the evening with a chorus of the songs of Tuscany. The company dispersed shortly after 9 P. M. and returned home with memories of a glad day, a happy fete and an accomplished host. — San Jose Mercury News, 1899

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

ABC’s of Early Refrigerator Etiquette

UNDER no conditions allow cheese a place in an ice box. Its strong odor will be absorbed by other foods, no matter how good the construction of the box.— The housewife of yesteryear had a lot of daily duties associated with the refrigerator in a home. This list below offers the Do’s and Don’ts to follow. 

• ALL refrigerators must be used with judgment. 
• BEWARE of drain pipes connected with sewer or waste pipes or even discharged on the ground. 
• CLEAN, scald and sun the refrigerator at least once a week. 
• DARK, ill-ventilated halls are not fit places for refrigerators.
• EVERY day put ice in the ice chamber; a little every day will keep an even temperature, while if this is neglected, much more ice will be required to chill the air current.
• FOOD should be carefully looked over, and so far as possible, placed in covered dishes before going into the ice box.
• GERMS are good friends of an ill kept ice box and must be continually fought.
• HOT sal-soda water is ideal for the weekly scalding.
• ICE should be carefully rinsed before placing in the ice chamber, even though the distilled variety be used. 
• JOINTS and hinges must be strong and reliable; a loosely hung door is responsible for much waste of ice. 
• KEEP butter and milk on the topmost shelf, that they may have no opportunity to absorb odors.
• LININGS of tile need and deserve proper care. If there is a wooden casing, prevent warping by keeping the refrigerator where it will be exposed neither to extreme heat nor cold.
• MANUFACTURERS have succeeded in obtaining air-tight, well ventilated construction; it remains for the housekeepers to see that there are no careless leakages.
• NEVER allow an ice box to be washed by simply pouring hot soapy water through it; ordinary soap should never be used in a refrigerator. Scouring soap and alkalis for zinc or metal and alkalis for porcelain linings are alone permissible.
• ONLY eternal vigilance will keep the most expensive variety in a sanitary condition, and with such care the cheapest grade may be satisfactory from the standpoint of health. 
• PORCELAIN-LINED refrigerators can be washed as easily as china, and while the first cost of such a box is large, their arrangement seems nearly perfect for keeping food sweet and making ice last.
• QUICKLY close the lid of the ice chamber when fresh ice is put in, but open the lower doors until the ice begins to melt, then shut tight.
• REFRIGERATORS should never stand in a draft or in the kitchen; both tend to melt the ice fast.
• SANITARY ice boxes provide a current of dry, cold air. If a match, left in the food compartment for twenty-four hours, refuses to ignite, the refrigerator is out of order, or improperly used.
• THE temperature of the food compartment should hover around 40 degrees Fahrenheit. It will never reach as low as 32 degrees, but should not mount higher than 45 degrees.
• UNDER no conditions allow cheese a place in an ice box. Its strong odor will be absorbed by other foods, no matter how good the construction of the box.
• VENTILATION is secured in good refrigerator on the principle that heated air rises; as the air over the ice box is chilled it passes downward, surrounds the food compartments, rises as it becomes heated and finds its way out, making a rapid and continuous current.
• WHEN ice gets very low, before putting in a fresh supply, air the box by opening all doors and remove the food; the fresh air will be quickly and economically chilled.
• XTRA precautions to prevent ice from melting are not economical; ice must melt in order that the desired temperature may be reached.
• YOUR refrigerator will respond to intelligent care as quickly as the range or furnace.
• ZEALOUS, unremitting attention to the details of cleanliness seems to be the price one must pay for an indispensable convenience, the refrigerator.— By A Refrigerator Alphabet, by I.C.E., in The Housekeeper, 1905

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Mistaking the Titled for the Untitled

Titles were very important to those in society in the Gilded Age. Bloomsbury.com gives this description of the reproduction of the Gilded Age book, “Titled Americans: The Real Heiresses’ Guide to Marrying and Aristocrat”: “A fascinating Introduction to the ‘Dollar Princess’ trade by noted historian Eric Homberger explains the phenomenon of American brides exchanging enormous dowries for the right to be the Lady of a great English manor. … What would entice a young American bride to leave their families, homes and everything familiar to travel thousands of miles away to a land and culture with a myriad of rigid and absolutely foreign social rules, traditions and customs? The bachelors who are chronicled in Titled Americans drew the attention of many aspiring American bridal prospects who thumbed through the pages of this Who's Who of British aristocracy, letting their hearts fill with the fantasy of being the Lady of a great estate as they mulled over the directory's full details of every bachelor's income, property value and net worth!”

Poor Aunt Matilda

She Made a Grievous Mistake and Lost an Opportunity of a Lifetime

“At last I am quits with old Aunt-in-law Matilda, who, as I told you, has never yet forgiven Harry for marrying a Yankee girl,” writes a transplanted compatriot, who remains a staunch American, despite her English surroundings. “It happened in this wise: Harry, who is always so good natured and is adored by his sisters and his cousins and his aunts, asked the old woman to dinner one night last week. 

“She arrived early, as usual, and presented herself at my bedroom door, asking permission to come in and put on her cap, which she always carries in a little package whenever she goes out. I hate being bothered when I am dressing, but of course I assumed a friendly air, and we entered into conversation as if we were really good friends, instead of cordially detesting each other. ‘Harry said we should be quite alone tonight,’ remarked my relative, ‘so I wore my second best lappets.’ ‘They are very nice, I am sure,’ I said carelessly in reply, but we are not quite alone after all. A cousin of mine, who arrived in London today, is coming, and Lord A. proposed himself this afternoon.’

“‘Oh, really!’ exclaimed Aunt Matilda, who like most English women of the upper middle class, is a veritable tuft hunter. The young Earl of — İ shall be delighted to meet his lordship. I know his mother, the countess, quite well,’ and she arranged herself before the glass in quite a twitter of anticipation. When she was ready, we went down and found Harry and our two guests in the drawing room. Cousin Jack did look a perfect dear, so blond and so irreproach able altogether from the top of his well groomed, shining head to the tips of his patent leather shoes, and I could have hugged him for being such a creditable specimen of a well bred American. Lord A. beside him looked very small, very sal low and altogether insignificant.

“Aunt Matilda did not hesitate an instant as to which was the Lordling as they both made their bows simultaneously on being presented to her. She gave the most gracious smile and handshake to Jack and such a snubby little nod to Lord A. Oh, it was too delicious! At dinner the conversation was very general, about the last new play, the Royal Academy, the weather, etc. So poor, deluded Aunt Matilda did not find out her mistake and flattered Jack until he did not know which way to look, while she ignored and snubbed poor Lord A. at every turn.

“After dinner the old cat took me to task for not having gone in to dinner with the Earl. ‘Such a breach of etiquette, dear Kitty,’ she said. ‘You really should be more careful.’ And then she added, jauntily, ‘You know at Rome you should do as the Romans do, and over here we think a great deal of that sort of thing.’

“Then came my revenge, and, oh, how delighted I was! I smiled my sweetest and said languidly: ‘I fancied you had mistaken my cousin Jack for Lord A. What a pity! You would have liked asking about his mother, should you not?’ Oh, if you could have seen her face! And the cup of her anguish quite overflowed when Harry came into the drawing room with Jack, saying: ‘A. had to go to fetch his sister from a dinner party. He did not know how late it was, so he asked me to make his apologies and to say good night.’ “I am sure Aunt M. will count that evening among the lost opportunities of her life.”-New York Tribune, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Correspondence and Favors

“Politeness forbids any display of resentment. The polished surface throws back the arrow. Remember that a favor becomes doubly valuable if granted with courtesy, and that the pain of a refusal may be softened if the manner expresses polite regret.” – Above is a decorative, late 19th C. young woman’s lap desk, disguised as a complete book of Shakespeare’s works, for her personal correspondence.

Letters Offering Favors

Be careful in writing to offer a favor, that you do not make your friend feel a heavy weight of obligation by over-rating your services. The kindness will be duly appreciated, and more highly valued if offered in a delicate manner. Too strong a sense of obligation is humiliating, so do not diminish the real value of the service by forcing the receiver to acknowledge a fictitious value. Let the recipient of your good will feel that it affords you as much pleasure to confer the favor as it will give her to receive it. 

A letter accompanying a present, should be short and gracefully worded. The affectionate spirit of such little epistles will double the value of the gift which they accompany. Never refer to a favor received, in such a letter, as that will give your gift the appearance of being payment for such favor, and make your letter of about as much value as a tradesman's receipted bill. — From The Ladies' Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness A Complete Hand Book for the Use of the Lady in Polite Society, 1860

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age New Year’s Entertaining

Hot oysters, salads, boned turkeys, quail, and hot terrapin are offered by the wealthy, and wines are poured ad libitum, but this is a difficult table to keep in order when 10 men call at one o’clock, and 40 at four o’clock, and none between. The best table is one furnished with boned turkey and jellied tongues and pâtés which cut easily, sandwiches easy to eat, with cake and fruit merely as an ornamental aside, while the modern and admirable adjunct of a spirit-lamp under a tea-kettle keeps the bouillon, tea, and coffee always hot.

A lady who expects to have many calls, and who wishes to offer refreshments, should have hot coffee and tea and a bowl of punch on a convenient table, or, better still, a silver kettle filled with bouillon standing in the hall, so a gentleman can take a cup of it, unsolicited, going in or coming out. If she lives in an English basement house, this table can be in the lower dining-room. In a house three rooms deep, the table and all the refreshments can be in the usual dining-room, or, if she pleases, in the upper back parlor. Of course her “grand spread” can be as gorgeous as she pleases.

Hot oysters, salads, boned turkeys, quail, and hot terrapin are offered by the wealthy, and wines are poured ad libitum, but this is a difficult table to keep in order when ten men call at one o’clock, and forty at four o’clock, and none between. The best table is one furnished with boned turkey and jellied tongues and pâtés which cut easily, sandwiches easy to eat, with cake and fruit merely as an ornamental aside, while the modern and admirable adjunct of a spirit-lamp under a tea-kettle keeps the bouillon, tea, and coffee always hot.

These, with the tea-cups necessary to serve them, should be on a small table at one side. A maid in a neat cap and apron should be in con stant attendance on this table, and a man-servant or two will be needed to attend the door (which should never be left for a moment unattended) and to wait on the table. The man at the door should have a silver waiter or neat card-receiver, which he holds out for the card when the gentleman enters. If the gentleman is not known to the lady of the house, he sends in his card; if he is, he does not send it in, but leaves it with the waiter, who deposits it in some receptacle, where it is kept until the lady can examine all her cards the next day. If the gentleman is calling on a young lady, and is not known to the hostess, he sends in his card to the young lady, who presents him to the hostess and to all the ladies present. 

If the room is full, she can content herself with presenting the gentleman to her hostess. If the room is comparatively empty, it is much kinder to introduce the gentleman to all the ladies, as it tends to make conversation more easy. There can be no objection to this. As a gentleman rises to make his exit, the lady can say, “Won't you take some refreshment?” and motion him toward the dining-room. But this hospitality should never be urged upon a man. Few gentlemen accustomed to dine late like to spoil their dinners. In a country neighborhood, or after a long walk, most gentlemen, however, do like to break their fast, and go in willingly to eat a slice of boned turkey and to take a few pickled oysters, or simply to eat a sandwich and take a cup of bouillon.

The etiquette of New-Year’s is also peremptory in not asking a gentlemen if “you can relieve him of his hat,” or asking him to leave off his overcoat. He will prefer probably to wear his overcoat and to carry his hat in his hand during his brief visit. If he wishes to leave off either, he will do so in the hall. But on that point he is a free moral agent, and it is not a part of the duty of any hostess to even suggest what he shall do with his clothes.— Harpers Bazar, 1883

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Finding “Good Help”

It has always been a ludicrous fiction that servants were deaf and blind to what was going on around them, and people who envy the household staff of bygone eras might reflect on what they did to privacy. There may have been fewer attempts to publish the family secrets then, although that was not unknown, but instances blackmail, from the gentle variety to the blatant, were plentiful. —Image of Douglas Sills, left, Michael Cerveris, Celia Keenan-Bolger and Kelley Curran in a scene from HBO's “The Gilded Age,” by Alison Cohen Rosa/HBO

DEAR MISS MANNERS - I have just been engaged as a maid in an exceedingly aristocratic household. I suspect it is true that “Good help is hard to find nowadays,” since I got the position without having had any previous experience. I think my false letters of recommendation may have assisted in this; at any rate, many uncomfortable moments have arisen from my lack of expertise. Most recently, my employer — who is rather eccentric, comme tout le Beau Monde, n'est pas? — insisted on introducing me to one of her visitors, a young woman who, according to the newspaper, is heir to $50 million. This heiress greeted me pleasantly, but didn't offer to shake my hand. I just smiled and clutched my dust-mop. Should I have offered my own hand? I would very much appreciate an answer to this and any suggestions you might have for my success in the domestic service. I want to stay hired at least until I have enough material for a novel entitled “The Dust-Mop May Eavesdrop.”

 

P.S. In all fairness, I think you should also include some advice for my employer. Thank you.

GENTLE READER - Miss Manners’ advice to your employer is: Watch out. You’re welcome. 

It has always been a ludicrous fiction that servants were deaf and blind to what was going on around them, and people who envy the household staff of bygone eras might reflect on what they did to privacy. There may have been fewer attempts to publish the family secrets then, although that was not unknown, but instances of blackmail, from the gentle variety to the blatant, were plentiful. Nevertheless, that fiction served the dignity of both employer and employee. If nothing is officially observed by the servant, then there is no need for commenting about what is going on —which always leads to trouble. — Judith Martin, aka “Miss Manners,” 1982

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J .Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Wedding Etiquette

In most cases, the after-cards are ordered with the other cards, and the bride’s mother pays for them. But if they are ordered after the marriage the groom may pay for these as he would pay for his wife’s ordinary expenses. Still it is stricter etiquette that even these should be paid for by the bride’s family.

Wedding Etiquette

Duties and Preparations of Contracting Parties

The etiquette of weddings is remotely founded on the early savage history of mankind and which bears fruit in our later and more complex civilization, still reminding us of the past. In early and in savage days, the man sought his bride heroically and carried her off by force. It is still a theory that the bride is thus carried off. Thus the long-cherished theory bears fruit in the English ceremonial, where the only carriage furnished by the groom is one in which he drives the bride away to the spending of the honeymoon, up to that time he has had no rights of proprietorship. Even this is not allowed in America among fashionable people, the bride’s father sending them in his own carriage on thee first stage of their journey. 

It is not etiquette for the groom to furnish anything for his own wedding, but the ring and a bouquet for the bride, presents for the bridesmaids and the best man, and some token to the ushers. He pays the clergyman. He should not pay for the cards, the carriages and entertainments, or anything connected with the wedding. This is decided in the high court of etiquette. This is the province of the bride’s family and should be insisted upon. 

At the altar, the groom, if he is a millionaire, makes his wife his equal by saying: “With all my worldly goods I thee endow.” Until he has uttered these words she has no claim on his purse for clothes or cards, or household furnishing, or anything but those articles that come under the head of such gifts as it is a lover’s privilege to make. 

A very precise old-time aristocrat of New York broke her daughter's engagement to a gentleman because he brought her a dress from Paris. She said if he did not know enough not to give her daughter clothes while she was under her roof, he should not have her. This is a remark which applies at once to that liberty permitted to engaged couples in rural neighborhoods where a young girl is allowed to go on a journey at her lover’s expense. 

A girl’s natural protectors should know better than to allow this. They know that her purity is her chief attraction to man, and that a certain coyness and virginal freshness are the dowry she should bring her future husband. Suppose that this engagement is broken off ? How will she be accepted by another lover after having enjoyed the hospitality of the first? Would it not make a disagreeable feeling between the two men, although No. 2 might have perfect respect for the girl? 

It is the privilege of the bride to name the wedding day, and of her father and mother to pay for her trousseau. After the wedding invitations are issued she does not appear in public. The members of the bride’s family go to the church before the bride. The bridegroom and his best man await them at the altar. The bride comes last, with her father or brother, who is to give her away. She is joined at the altar step by her fiance, who takes her hand, and then she becomes his for life. All these trifles mean much, as any one can learn who goes through the painful details of a divorce suit. 

Now, when the circle of friends on both sides is very extensive, it has of late become customary to send invitations to some who are not called to wedding breakfast to attend the ceremony at the church. This sometimes takes the place of issuing cards. No one thinks of calling on the newly married who has not received either an invitation to the ceremony at the church or cards after their establishment in their new home. 

In most cases, the after-cards are ordered with the other cards, and the bride’s mother pays for them. But if they are ordered after the marriage the groom may pay for these as he would pay for his wife’s ordinary expenses. Still it is stricter etiquette that even these should be paid for by the bride’s family. People who are asked to the wedding, send cards to the house if they cannot attend, and, in any case, send or leave cards within ten days after, unless they are in very deep mourning, when a dispensation is granted them. 

The etiquette of a wedding at home does not differ at all from the etiquette of a wedding in church with regard to cards. A great confusion seems to exist in the minds of some as to whom to send their return cards on being invited to a wedding. Some ask: “Shall I send them to the bride, as I do not know her mother?’’ Certainly not; send them to whomsoever invites you. Afterward call on the bride or send her cards ; but the first and important card goes to the lady who gives the wedding. 

The order of the religious part of the ceremony is fixed by the church in which it occurs. The groom must call on the clergyman, see the organist, and make whatever arrangements the bride pleases; but all expenses, excepting the fee of the clergyman, are borne by the bride's family. 

A wedding invitation requires no answer, unless it is to a sit-down wedding breakfast. Cards left afterward are all-sufficient. The separate cards of the bride and groom are no longer included in the invitation. Nothing black in the way of dress, but the gentlemen’s coats is admissible at a wedding.— San Jose Herald, 1884

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Toasting Brides

Suggested bridal toasts include: ‘‘As unto the bow the cord is, so unto the man is woman. Though she draws him, yet she follows: unless each without the I other.” - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. —From the late 1950’s to early 1960’s, “Babycham was the first drink a woman could order in a bar without feeling a tart or a crone,” writes rock biographer Philip Norman. 

Toasting the Bride is Traditional

NEW YORK (UPI) — The first occasion for toasting the bride and bridegroom is at the engagement announcement party. Traditionally, say etiquette experts, it is the custom for the father of the bride to offer the toast, followed by a toast from the father of the bridegroom. 

The second important toasting occasion is at the bachelor dinner party given by the bridegroom for his ushers, best man and close friends. After the bridegroom offers a toast to his bride, the stems of the glasses are broken so they may never be used for a “less honorable purpose.” 

The next toasting comes the night before the wedding. At the rehearsal dinner, it is traditional for the father of the bride to make the first of the many toasts which are offered. The final toasting takes place at the couple’s wedding reception. 

Suggested bridal toasts include: ‘‘As unto the bow the cord is, so unto the man is woman. Though she draws him, yet she follows: unless each without the I other.”—Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. 

“Let the bells ring for you; let the angels sing for you. Let the children dance for you and let us drink to you.”—Anonymous 

— From the Desert Sun, 1962

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia