Holiday Party Etiquette

There are socially appropriate ways to mollify the snubbed hosts, says Maura J. Graber, who owns RSVP Institute of Etiquette in Ontario. Thank them profusely, explain the situation, apologize and send a bouquet, a gift certificate, chocolates or wine the day of the party, she says.

“First Invite” Rule is Golden

ETIQUETTE: Deciding which soirees to attend and how to decline others does matter, experts say. Socialite Pattie Daly Caruso of Palm Desert hates to miss a holiday party. But if several conflict, she resorts to the "relatives first" rule, opting for family gatherings.

"It's important to determine which parties you need to go to," says Caruso, host of the "Valley Views" talk show on Time-Warner cable channel 10 in the Coachella Valley. If two close friends are each throwing simultaneous bashes, she tries to show up at both.

But what if the soirees are counties apart at overlapping times? Go with the first invitation you've accepted, says VictorSeitz, grooming and etiquette author and a professor of marketing at Cal State San Bernardino.

There are socially appropriate ways to mollify the snubbed hosts, says Maura J. Graber, who owns RSVP Institute of Etiquette in Ontario. Thank them profusely, explain the situation, apologize and send a bouquet, a gift certificate, chocolates or wine the day of the party, she says.

She advises holiday party hosts to mail invitations earlier next year, even in October, because December weekends tend to fill up quickly. "There are always friends who will be terribly hurt and expect you to get out of your other plans," Graber says.

What if there's no other party to attend but you want to weasel out of a bash anyway? anyway? "Just decline," says Seitz. "Just say you have another obligation. You don't have to justify a 'no.' But do RSVP. Most people don't even respond. It's sad and disrespectful.”

“Learn to be evasive,” says Graber. “Always thank the person, but don't go overboard. The less said, the better. ‘Oh, too bad. I wish the party were another night, is okay,” she says. “Keep the emotional stuff out of it.”

There's no need to be brutally honest. Sitting in front of the television clipping your toenails definitely constitutes “other plans,” she says. Curling up with a book and a cup of tea could be construed as “family matters. You're part of your family,” Graber says.

Don't let yourself be guilt-tripped. “Some people's feelings will be hurt no matter what,” she says. “There's so much we already feel guilty about, especially around the holidays. We don't need to pile on more.” — By Laurie Lucas, Press Enterprise, 2004

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia