Rebutting an Etiquette Editorial

A lady of leisure, squandering time, in the early 1900’s? — Part of a Saturday Evening Post editorial suggesting that “etiquette is an invention of leisurely people for the deliberate purpose of squandering time.” But, we know better!

Good Manners Define Etiquette 

“Etiquette was, and still is, invented by people obsolved from the necessity of working for a living; and its only purpose is to afford a constant, indubitable sign that its inventors can afford to waste their time in learning nice ceremonies and pretty conventions.” This is part of the Saturday Evening Post’s editorial printed recently to make out that etiquette is an invention of leisurely people for the deliberate purpose of squandering time. 

Such a position is so inherently wrong that its rebuttal is contained in the commonly observed fact that some of the most impoverished and hardworking people are the most inherently polite, and on the contrary, some of the most impolite people to be found in a careful search will be found to be those who have the most leisure, and the most time. The worst dawdlers are generally the most impolite, and they are impolite for the reason that, having no heed for time, they take no heed of manners. Manners, politeness, etiquette are all inspired out of consideration for others.—Wichita Eagle, 1914

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

A ‘Second City’ Etiquette Faux Pas

According to Martin Oberman, “By the time people reach responsible levels of government, they should have already learned basic etiquette, and it's not something we should be spending $35,000 for.” As the major city’s first female mayor, she wanted to create an “international image” for Chicago. Clearly, staffing her office was not Jane Byrne’s forté! – According to the Chicago Tribune, in only her first two years as mayor, she went through a staggering four police superintendents, four press secretaries, three city controllers, three budget chiefs and three planning chiefs. – Photo Chicago Tribune

New Protocol Chief in Chicago 

“Chicago's Mayor, Jane Byrne, has hired the former operator of the North Shore School of Etiquette, Noreen McBride, to fill the newly created position of director of protocol.
The job pays $35,000 a year, and one City Alderman, Martin Oberman, yesterday called it ‘a complete waste of money.’
He said, ‘By the time people reach responsible levels of government, they should have already learned basic etiquette, and it's not something we should be spending $35,000 for.’
Not so, replied Mrs. Byrne. ‘Mrs. McBride will help coordinate the proper etiquette, dress requirements and seating arrangements at formal city ceremonies and dinners,’ she said.
Long tagged with a ‘Second City’ label, Chicago is ‘becoming an international city and we needed someone with Mrs. McBride's background,’ said a spokesman for the Mayor.” – New York Times, Feb. 5, 1981

A Dismissed Protocol Chief Finds the Proper Etiquette  

What is the correct behavior for a government official who comes under embarrassing public criticism? According to Chicago's $35,000-a-year etiquette adviser, Noreen McBride, the answer is to resign. That, at least, is what Mrs. McBride did on Sunday following published reports that during the five years she had supposedly spent operating an etiquette school she was actually a sales-clerk in a gift shop. Mrs. McBride, whose resignation was announced by a mayoral spokesman, had been appointed to the newly created post of Directors of Protocol by Mayor Jane Bryne on Feb. 5. – New York Times, Feb. 17, 1981

Mayor’s Etiquette Aide Resigns the $35,000 Job, Amidst Officials’ Outrage 

CHICAGO (AP) Noreen McBride, who was hired two weeks ago to advise Chicago’s mayor on the proper etiquette for dealing with foreign dignitaries, has resigned her $35,000-a-year job, mayor Jane Byrne says. The resignation followed published reports that Mrs McBride 36, was fired last year from her job as a sales clerk because of tardiness and absenteeism. Mrs. Byrne, whose appointment of an “Etiquette Aide” drew fire from officials who considered the job a waste of money, said Sunday from Palm Springs, where she was vacationing, that Mrs. McBride had contacted her Chief of Staff and informed him she was quitting. In a telephone interview with the Chicago Sun-Times, the mayor said she had not spoken to Mrs. McBride personally about her resignation. Mrs. McBride, whose telephone has been disconnected, could not be reached for comment.

Mrs. McBride collected unemployment benefits for six months after she was fired from the $8,700-a-year clerk’s job, though she later said she was running an “etiquette school” from her home during that time, the Sun-Times reported Sunday. The owner of a gift shop and art gallery in suburban Oak Park, said Mrs. McBride was “a good employee” during the 11 years she worked at the shop, but “she seemed to lose interest in the job.” “She was constantly late for work,” he said. “I couldn’t tolerate it with the number of other employees I have.” 

He also said that neither he nor any of his employees was aware Mrs. McBride was operating an etiquette school. The appointment, announced by Mrs. Byrne on Feb. 4, touched off a storm of controversy, in part because the mayor already had two $30,000-a-year aides handling protocol duties. The mayor who wants to build an international image for Chicago, said Mrs. McBride would advise city officials on planning dinners and other special events for foreign dignitaries. - Desert Sun, 1981

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Professional Defines “Etiquette”

A Modern Definition of Etiquette

Recently on the Merriam-Webster Dictionary online, the featured Word of the Day was “etiquette.”  Their definition reads: “The conduct or procedure required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life.”

While this definition may be accurate, its context is more appropriate for another era.  So, how do we define “etiquette” in 2019?

A Little History

The word “etiquette” originated from the French word “estiquette” meaning “ticket” or “label.”  It references the custom of a king setting forth ceremonial rules to be observed by members of the court. 

Now, as then, etiquette is about the ways we show up recognizably respectful in our behaviors.  It is a reflection of the times yet, at its core, are the principles of good manners: respect, courtesy, tact, restraint, self-command, and responsibility.

Proper Behaviors

Etiquette rules have always existed.  Like us, they have evolved with changes in society and technology.  The "how-to's" and "when-to's" of etiquette change over time, though the need for etiquette know-how does not.    

A friend of mine on Facebook, Tom W. Bell, wrote to me: “Etiquette comes not so much from lifting your pinkie as from lifting others’ spirits.”

Though there are ways of holding and not holding objects properly, and ways of doing things that are recognized by others as exhibiting good manners, etiquette's inspiration is always about connecting with others, acting in ways that help them to feel welcome and accepted.

The guidelines are the tangibles of how it looks to others to show up in integrity.  When you are mindful of where you are and who you are with, have an awareness of what is socially acceptable, and act with a kind heart, you will be able to solve for particular situations harmoniously.

Etiquette is not about putting on airs, but is not without pretense.  However – pretense of the good kind.  As in when you’re making it possible for something real and beneficial to happen.  You might not feel like being kind or courteous, but you are anyway.  When you take an action of kindness in one moment, you’ll never be sorry in the next.

Etiquette in 2019

Etiquette is a set of guidelines for expected social behavior.  We share a world with other people and etiquette assumes a commitment to personal responsibility and civility. 

Etiquette is ongoing learning through the practice of: 

• Personal greetings, introductions and interactions.
• Virtual and electronic greetings, introductions, and interactions.
• Casual and formal dining skills; socializing when food is involved.
• Self-presentation skills.
• Conversation and communication skills.
• Personal and social space considerations.
• Inviting, including , and thanking others.

With these considerations, my working definition of etiquette is:
The mindful, personal , and intentional practice of creating respectful, kind and orderly interactions within family, social, professional, educational, neighborly and public environments.

Examples:

• Listening to understand. 
• Being sincere, authentic and tactful.
• Seeking win-win situations. 
• Helping others feel welcome and comfortable.
• Eating and sharing a meal in an orderly fashion.
• Sending acknowledgments and Thank You's.
• Encouraging others.
• Opening doors for others.
• Offering your seat on a crowded train.
• Being forgiving.
• Offering to help your co-worker finish an overdue task.
• Embracing differences. 
• Ensuring that letters, emails, texts, and social media posts are clear, concise, and kind.
• Taking responsibility for your words and actions, including apologizing for mistakes.
• Excluding no one from kindness.

Am I practically perfect at this?  Heavens No!  But, like you, I am aiming! 

Living an etiquette-ful life is at the foundation of maintaining a free and civil society.  It is never legislated and is open to every individual to choose. 

Contributor, Candace Smith is retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Greek Royal Etiquette

Early Greek etiquette... Even Socrates, a founder of Western philosophy and famed for his simple clothing and preference for going unshod, is said to have smartened himself up for banquets, even wearing sandals. – The Greek historian Xenophon recounts in his Symposium that Socrates was once out walking with friends when approached by Callias, a wealthy Athenian. “I am about to give a dinner party ... and I think my entertainment would shine much brighter if my dining room were graced with the presence of men like you, whose souls have been purified.” At first, the disheveled Socrates thought Callias was mocking him, but the great man insisted. They thanked him for the invitation, without promising to go, but upon seeing Callias’ disappointment, they agreed to attend. They spent the evening in his home—eating, drinking, and talking—in one of the most characteristic social fixtures of the classical world: the symposium. Etiquette at the time required banquet guests to bathe and groom themselves before arriving. According to Aristotle, it was “inappropriate to come to the symposium covered with sweat and dust.” – Source National Geographic History

Personality of the King of Greece

“The Royal Family of Greece” is the subject of a paper by Benjamin Ide Wheeler in the “Century.” Professor Wheeler says: Personally the King is a sociable, companionable man, fond of a joke, particuarly susceptible to the flavor of fine American humor, and not at all stringent in the minutiae of official etiquette; he sometimes gives one the impression that he will be glad when the formal part of the ceremony is over. 

He is often seen walking in the parks or on the sidewalks of his Capital, and in the seclusion of his garden rejoices in the use of an American bicycle, which no interpretation of royal license would permit him to ride upon the highways. 

He is, however, a rigid disciplinarian, and his children have been brought up to feel the full force of the authority of the Teutonic house-father. The Crown Prince, now 28 years old and father of a family, still looks to him, as do all his other children, for permission and advice in regard to all their goings and comings.– Century Magazine, 1897

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Top 20 British Wine Faux Pas

Britain's worst breaches of wine etiquette were revealed in 2015...

From refrigerating red wine to pronouncing the 'T' in Pinot Noir, UK drinkers were “clueless about how to quaff vino, according to a study” - The Telegraph 

In a survey of over 2,000 UK adults by the International Wine Challenge (IWC), it was  found that, among other blunders like adding lemonade to red wine and pronouncing the 't' in Merlot and Pinot Noir, the top twenty wine-drinking faux pas were as follows:

• Using a corkscrew on a screw-cap 
• Putting red wine in the refrigerator 
• Drinking from the bottle
• Asking for ice in your wine 
• Serving in a wine glass with old lipstick stains 
• Chipped glasses 
• Trying to unscrew a cork 
• Taking a cheap bottle to a party 
• Gulping wine rather than sipping it 
• Not bringing a bottle but drinking everyone else's 
• Drinking it out of a tumbler 
• Pouring yourself a glass before pouring others on the table 
• Asking for a slice of lemon 
• Shaking the bottle before serving 
• Asking the waiter to pour you more when they were intending for you to taste it 
• Putting lemonade with red wine 
• Complaining the red wine isn't cold 
• Pronouncing the 't' in Pinot Noir 
• Taking a bottle home with you after it wasn't opened at the host's party
• Pronouncing the 't' in Merlot 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Wine Pronunciation and Terms

Etiquette and New “French Service”

“On June 23, 2017, a representative group of the interior service trades proposed a new definition of ‘French-style’ service, which has since been signed by several hundred restaurant professionals.”

The Charter of French Service

Representatives of Table Service Professionals, Room Managers, Hotel Owners, Rank Managers, Service Employees, Hotel Training Institution Teachers, Academics, Head Chefs, Hospitality Consultants, and other members of the hospitality industry, gathered June 23, 2017 at the University of Bordeaux Montaigne, anxious to redefine the concept of Service so that it best meets the expectations of French and foreign customers having lunch or dinner in restaurants, declare:

Article 1: The term French Service means a set of postures, attitudes and gestures particular to the profession of the profession of the room service. French Service:

• Is the act of welcoming a customer with courtesy, attention, kindness, kindness and generosity. 
• Accompany the guest in his dining experience with a French elegance composed of politeness and gracious gestures without ever being obsequious, mannered, displaced or ostentatious. The gestures are borrowed from the history of the profession but also from the arts of theater, dance, live performance, applied to our sector of activity. 
• Focuses on the recognition of the client, its needs expressed and not expressed, all its expectations according to its specificities. 
• Valorises the personality and the intrinsic qualities of each member of the restaurant team in contact with the guest, its adaptability, the specificity of each and recognizes the female approach in the art of the room service. Enhances regional and traditional specialties, as well as French and overseas products with special gestures and adapted speech. 
• Highlights the producers in particular of French products and quality, with respect for the order of nature, animals and the balance of biodiversity.
• Promotes the restaurant, the chef, his kitchen and the brigade, especially to local, French and international customers. 
• Sublime the kitchen of the chef by arousing emotion and adapting to the needs, expressed or not, of each customer. 
• Accompanies culinary innovations through an adaptation to the room service and its staging, and thus participates in their added values. 
• Inscribes in their time the history of the techniques of our profession, such as cold preparations, cutouts and flambings in the dining room, performed in front of the guest, with a search for symbiosis between kitchen and room. 
• Highlights the arts of the table, associates the table and its staging with the scenography of a place and the kitchen of a chef.
• It consists of a set of gestures designed to optimize, facilitate, relieve, enhance the work of the kitchen with the client for the sake of fluidity. 
• Promotes bread, cheese, condiments, water and wine as products accompanying the meal “à la française”. 
• Respects and encourages tastings between a wine and other drinks, implements different service techniques for wines and other beverages according to a French school service. 

Article 2: The expression Grand Service à la Française designates a set of postures and techniques, attitudes and gestures specific to the profession of catering trades according to a ‘school’ specific to our nation.

Grand Service à la Française:
Corresponds to an aestheticism of the table according to a French taste, ie by a symmetry from the center:
· The linen placed according to an art of French folding, the plate in the center,
· The forks on the left, placed traditionally pointed against the tablecloth,
· The knives on the right, the edge of the knife turned towards the plate,
· The bread plate on the left, the butter knife on the right side of the bread plate,
· The glasses on the right side, placed, for the lowest, close to the point of the knife, for the highest, close to the center of the table, and in the order of the service of the wines,
· Accessories or service complements will be placed on the right as well as the note.

Corresponds to the service of a table according to four methods that each take the term ‘Grand Service à la Française’:

1) A service at the plate bell, carried out with elegance and scenography, especially at banquets, private executive tables, special events. This service may be associated with a service to the set or a particular scenography.
2) A flat service by which the service professional uses pliers and stands to the left of each plate placed in front of the guest, for the right-handed room employees, the opposite for the left-handers (‘English service’). Namely the terminology formerly used, evolves as well).
3) A service by which the service employee presents a dish to the customer from the left (for customers identified as right-handed), as well as a service clip for the latter to serve himself (terminology corresponding to
the expression ‘French service’ from the nineteenth century until the beginning of the twenty-first century).
4) A service from a trolley, or pedestal table, which allows cutting or blazing in front of the customer and to perform animations by codified techniques representing the notion of sharing, or freely interpreted from an older tradition.

Highlights French artisans, porcelain makers, goldsmiths, glassmakers, crystal makers, designers and other professionals working in the world of tableware and service.

In private or institutional catering with official international representation, it responds to the protocol code, especially reception, precedence, placement in space and at the table, but also to the particularities of service, the order of dishes and at the appropriate discretion.

Promotes floral decoration according to a French school of floral composition and by highlighting in particular the elements of plant order of the national territory, and according to the seasonality.

As such, it must remain the guarantor of the culinary and service traditions recognized throughout the world and enhance the notion of ‘gastronomic meal of the French’ highlighted by its inscription in 2010 to the Cultural Heritage of Humanity. – Fabrice Jobard, May 23, 2019 as published on Overblog

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Tudor Royal Bed Etiquette Ended

“Everyone knows how steadfastly Queen Victoria respected tradition in matters of court etiquette and state observances. While she lived, she insisted that the elaborately mounted rules to be observed in the making of the sovereign's bed should occupy a conspicuous position in that portion of the palace set apart for Ladies of the Bedchamber. They have now been removed and there is much speculation as to what has become of them.” – So what had become of them?

Easier to Make King’s Bed... 

Quaint Old Rules Have at Last Been Completely Abolished and Bedmakers Rejoice 

Special Cable to The Herald

LONDON, June 9.— Those who are responsible for making King Edward's sleeping hours as comfortable os possible are no longer confronted with the quaint rules and regulations with regard to the making of his bed which have been handed down from Tudor times. Everyone knows how steadfastly Queen Victoria respected tradition in matters of court etiquette and state observances. While she lived, she insisted that the elaborately mounted rules to be observed in the making of the sovereign's bed should occupy a conspicuous position in that portion of the palace set apart for Ladies of the Bedchamber. They have now been removed and there is much speculation as to what has become of them.

A few extracts from this awe inspiring documents will give some idea of the time that must have been occupied in making the King's bed: “A yoeman or groome of ye wardrobe will holde ye syde curtena and ye foote curtens. A yoeman of ye crowne to leape upon ye bedde and rolle hym up and assaye ye litter. Then laye upon it ye fether bedde and bette it well and make it even and smoothe. Then shall yoemen of ye stuffe take ye fustian and caste it on ye bedde. Then shall squyers of ye bodye laye handes thereon and laye it streight upon ye bedde without any wrinkles and ye skeete in samewise. Then take bothe sheetes and fustian by ye bordure and put them in under ye fether bedde at both ye sydes and at ye feete also. 

Then laye on ye over sheetes and go to ye bedde's head and shake down ye bedde. Then laye on tother stuffe. Then rolle down ye bedde ye space ot an elle. Then let ye yoemen take ye pillows and bette them well and cast them up to ye squyers and lette them laye them on ye bedde us it pleaseth the king's grace.” After a considerable amount of additional labor is to be expended on placing more sheets and fixing curtains, “a squyer is to caste holy water oik ye bedde,” and then as a grand finale, “alle that were at ye making of ye hedde muste have bred and ale and wyn” – the most pleasant part of the performance, one would imagine. Who would dare to maintain after this that “Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown?” – Los Angeles Herald, 1906

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Control

The Difference Between Controlling a Situation and Etiquette-fully
Being in a Situation

There is a sense of security that comes with feeling in control of a situation.  When your home is neat and clean, you may feel you are in command of your household.  When you know how to introduce yourself to people and aren’t shy about doing so, you may feel you can command a room at any gathering.  And when you are confident in your work, you feel secure in your job.

You’ve probably been in situations when you felt out of control.  As if you were sledding down a hill too fast, you reach the bottom and wonder, “What happened?”  Memories of situations when you felt out of control may not be so pleasant.

However, there are times when you are called upon to control a situation and times when you only need to be in a situation.  Etiquette can help you determine the difference.

Controlling a Situation

Self-command is an admirable quality.  When you have it, you know how to conduct yourself in various environments and situations.  You know appropriate things to say, you respond rather than react, and you maintain a friendly demeanor.

When you are nervous, you may tend to take over a situation rather than let others – who are doing just fine – handle it.  Jumping in when someone is doing something and taking over tends to escalate.  No one enjoys the feeling of being dominated by another person.

Fear is another culprit in feeling the need to be controlling.  We all know the person who wants to make sure a social situation goes well for others.  And so, you see them hovering over a guest with food and drink or lurking around conversations to finish sentences and interject to ensure everyone is laughing.  Sadly, this makes for a clumsy social gathering.

In a professional environment, one may fear that a project or situation won’t go well unless he directly oversees it.  Colleagues find him looking over shoulders, sending endless emails, and repeatedly going over checklists.  Unfortunately, the primary achievement of this behavior is earning a reputation for being a micromanager.

The Reality of Control

The things we can and cannot control are constantly shifting.  There are far too many elements at work in our lives to give us 100% command - other people, nature, and our own moments of carelessness.

However, there are some things you have the ability to control:

• How you prepare
• What you wear and how you present yourself
• What you say and do
• Your attitude
• Your decisions
• Your actions
• What you give attention to
• How you listen
• Your breathing  

We can all wish for more common sense as we gain experience and knowledge in work, relationships, and life.

How to “Be”

Most situations are entered into with a desire to enjoy yourself, add some value, and avoid feeling out of control or embarrassed.  But no situation requires you to dominate. 

If you are not the one called upon to lead, “take the floor,” or direct, then you are only asked to be present – and “etiquette-ful.”

Being etiquette-ful means you are aware that you are in the company of others.  Whatever your role is at the gathering, being kind, helpful, and respectful is bound to add an element of “upbeat” to any situation. 

Sometimes being etiquette-ful is knowing when to be quiet, understanding that all gatherings and situations aren’t going to be happy.  You are doing the best you can, given the givens, and know that others probably are trying to do that, too.

To “be” is to know when, why, and how you may need to control – or not.  Control should only be exercised to improve a situation.  Otherwise, etiquette requires that you only be present.

Contributor, Candace Smith is retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

19th C. Armenian Wedding Etiquette

The young bride... “Her hair was long and thick and braided full of little jingling coins. In ignorance of etiquette, I forgot to look at her feet, when she took the initiative and stuck out one, and then the other, to show that she had velvet slippers worked with gold thread and pearls. Then she showed her solitaire earrings.” 

How They Wed in Armenia – The Bride’s Dowery $100,000 – Bride and Groom Stood One Hour With Foreheads Touching, While Four Priests Performed the Rites

While the Armenians who live in European Turkey, and above all in Constantinople, have adopted foreign dress and modes of living, their religious observances have never undergone any change, and probably never will. Their weddings, their baptisms, and their funerals, as well as their church services, are all to-day exactly the same as when the Armenian Catholic church was founded in the third century by the Apostle Andrew. Those ancient customs fit in to-day with modern ideas very oddly, and for a person of the end of the nineteenth century to find himself alone at one of these ceremonies is to feel as if he were dreaming of times long past. The writer of this was invited to an Armenian wedding in Constantinople not so very long ago. 

The bridegroom was a clerk and was rather taller than is usual for an Armenian to be as they are generally rather under than over the medium height. He was well built and had dark eyes and curling hair and a good fresh color, and in fact was quite a good looking young fellow. His name was Haskas. He, like all the Greeks and Armenians, as well as the majority of Europeans was quite willing to accept a fortune with his bride. In fact, I suspect that the prospective fortune was the prime motive of this young man. A young man of those countries has but few chances of making money for himself, and custom makes it appear quite proper for him to secure a fortune, more or less great, with his bride. Parents begin to lay aside their daughter's dowery from the time a girl is born, and according to the family and social providence of the young man and the demands of his friends. He is allowed no social intercourse with the unmarried ladies of any family, and therefore his affections cannot be said to be engaged. 

When an Armenian family has a young daughter to marry, they look about until they find some young man who suits their ideas and then a messenger is sent to this young man's nearest relatives, telling of the admirable qualities of the girl and naming the sum of her dower. This is promptly refused if the young man's family thinks it is insufficient. The young man's parents want all they can get and they haggle and bid back and forth, until finally thinking they can do no better, they accept. The preliminaries are arranged either by the professional match makers or the relatives of bride and groom. The young man then makes a formal demand for the hand of the young lady through the nearest friend, the groom's mother, if she is living. The match-makers are old women, and they are paid by one family or the other. Often, two sets of matchmakers are employed, and they arrange everything, making the proposal and bearing the shy acceptance. 

In the case of the wedding of which I write, an old woman from the bride's family had gone down to the young man's office and made her proposal there. The offer was accepted on condition that the dowry proved to be all that she said, viz. 30.000 perkits liras, or nearly 8100,000. The bride's family was a very wealthy one and she was was the only daughter. She had seen Haskas in some way and that shortened the preliminaries somewhat as a direct bid could be made. The girl was young and pretty and Haskas was considered very fortunate. The bride, in addition to the money dowry, received the gift of two houses, one in Prinkipo and one in Pera, but those were settled upon her. The furuiture and clothes were all part of the dowery, and Haskas’ mother went to verify the inventory to see if anything was put down that was not there. Haskas’ mother thought he was letting himself go dirt cheap, but as the bride was an only child and the parents lived near Yerimbourgas, and already showed evidences of the insalubrity of that place, she finally consented to the match. 

The day before the wedding the whole amount of the dowry in cash was paid over to Haskas, and from a clerk with a pitiful salary of three liras a week he became in one hour, a partner in the firm he had formerly worked for. Out of this money Haskas bought a diamond necklace and some other jewels for his bride and his own wedding clothes. The wedding was to be at the home of the bride. When I arrived at the house she was just dressed, and I was invited into the bedroom where she stood in her magnificence. She was completely covered from head to foot with a veil of long slips of tinsel like that with which we decorate our Christinas trees. You could see nothing through this but the bottom of her dress. The women lifted the veil to show her face. 

The bride was not over fifteen or sixteen and was quite pretty so far as one could judge. Her cheeks were painted and her eyebrows penciled darkly, to meet in the centre and reach to her hair. The rest of her face was one dead white, made so by lead cosmetic. Her dress was white satin embroidered with silver and pearls. The clothes were clumsily made as are all oriental garments and completely disfigured whatever of grace she had. At a hint from my friends, I took up a fold of her dress to see that the pearls were genuine. Her hair was long and thick and braided full of little jingling coins. In ignorance of etiquette, I forgot to look at her feet, when she took the initiative and stuck out one, and then the other, to show that she had velvet slippers worked with gold thread and pearls. Then she showed her solitaire earrings. 

After the inspection of the little bride we took seats on the divan and sipped black coffee served in egg shell cups standing in gold filagree holders. Sweet meats were handed around in glasses, with spoons. The sweetmeats are of violet rose and anise flavors, and are made very thick. There are glasses of water, and another with spoons and one empty glass. You are expected to take a spoon, dip it into whichever jelly you prefer, eat a spooufnl, and then put your soiled spoon into the empty glass. I succeeded in upsetting a glass of water and both glasses of spoons, which for some reason they appeared to consider a good omen. After this we were taken to see the trousseau. Many of the dresses were of rich and handsome stuffs. Then we went to see the supper table. 

The bride and groom touched foreheads for an hour 

This was spread in a long and icy cold room. There were fowls, cakes, dried fruits, enormous quantities of bread and cheese, and three, immense boiled fish, besides black olives, and confectioners' cakes. Hot dishes were to be served later when the guests were seated. The whole party then went into the parlor to wait the arrival of the bridegroom and the priests, of whom there were to be four. The rest of the company were all assembled, and at nine, Haskas and his mother arrived. The bride was led in and seated on a stool, the tinsel covering her completely. Haskas’ mother looked like a veritable old witch, and she passed her time making invidious remarks and declaring that the amount of dowry they were giving such a noble, beautiful and well connected young man as Haskas was utterly ridiculous. Everybody but the bride talked, smoked and had a good time, and at eleven the priests had not come. The bride's father went to see what had become of them. He soon returned to say that they would be along in a short time. So coffee and more sweetmeats were served, and mastic was offered to the men to sharpen their appetites. 

Finally, at one o'clock in the morning a boy came and spread a piece of carpet in the center of the floor and said the priests were coming. The guests did not mind the delay, but the poor little bride sitting on the stool under her glittering head-gear tottered with sleep two or three times. No one spoke to her or offered her a glass of water, nor did she speak to any one. It must have been a cruel penance. At half past one the priests arrived, preceded by several boys with censors chanting. The priests were dressed in magnificent robes stiff with gold embroidery and jewels. The head priest had a sort of mitre blazing with jewels. The first carpet was now covered with another having jewelled tassels. The chief priest took the center of this with the other three behind him. 

The bride's father led her forward to the bridegroom and they both stepped before the priest, cushions of red velvet were then presented, on which were wreaths of artificial leaves. These were put on the heads of the young couple. The tinsel veil kept that of the bride steady, but Haskas’ did not fit and kept slipping around, to his great discomfort. The bride was short, Haskas tall, and they were obliged to stand one hour with their foreheads touching. The wreaths were changed from head to head three times. The ceremony appeared to resemble the Catholic form closely, but with much more symbolism. When it was over, the newly married pair arose and and the priests went to the supper room, and after they had eaten and departed, the rest went to supper. 

The poor, weary bride was placed on the same stool and the bridegroom came forward with a richly trimmed cushion on which his presents were displayed, a watch with a long, heavy chain, a diamond brooch and necklace and a pair of filagree bracelets, over four inches wide, studded with rubies and a red silk purse filled with gold money. After the presentation of the jewels, Haskas awkwardly unfastened the tinsel veil, handed it to his mother and clasped the jewels on the bride, to whom he then offered his hand and led her to the supper room, followed by all the rest. Hot roast mutton and pilaf and several other very substantial dishes were served, and an abundance of wine. The bride never spoke nor did anyone appear to regard her as other than a lay figure, though she ate a little. 

It was daylight before they had finished eating for every one did full justice to the feast. Then every one went home in the gray light of morning, after one last cup of coffee and a speech congratulatory. Every wedding is carried out in the same general manner allowing for difference in the station and circumstances of the families. The mother-in-law exists in Armenian, as well as in our comic papers. Haskas’ mother never left off belitling the supper, the dowry and the appearance of the bride, but no one appeared to feel hurt or vexed, so I imagine it must be customary. Weddings being so complex, one is usually enough to last a life-time aud divorces are almost unheard of. Olive Harper, 1895 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipediag Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Etiquette of Royal Titles

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex with their newborn son, Archie Harrison - photo source Instagram

Why the Duchess of Sussex is not referred to as “Princess Meghan”

Since marrying Prince Harry in May last year, Meghan's official title has been Her Royal Highness Princess Henry of Wales.

But the rules governing royal titles forbid the Duchess of Sussex from adopting the name Princess Meghan.

This is because tradition dictates that only those with royal blood are allowed to put 'prince' or 'princess' in front of their first name.

For example, the daughters of Prince Andrew are known as Princess Eugenie and Princess Beatrice because they are in the line of succession, rather than marrying in to the Royal Family.

Diana was given the title Princess of Wales as a courtesy but was never afforded the name 'Princess Diana' despite being referred to in this way by most of the public.

Similarly, Marie Christine Anna Agnes Hedwig Ida von Reibnitz - formally titled Princess Michael of Kent after marrying Prince Michael - is not called Princess Marie Christine. – Source The Daily Mail

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Etiquette of Serving Charles II

One of the most popular monarchs to play is Charles II, or “the Merry Monarch”
 (as portrayed by Rupert Everett, above)

Few courts have been more brilliant than that of the Merry Monarch. All the beauty of fair women, the gallantry of brave men, and the gaiety of well-approved wits could compass, perpetually surrounded His Majesty, making the royal palace a lordly pleasure house. Noble banquets, magnificent balls, and brilliant suppers followed each other in quick succession. Three times a week—on Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays—the King and Queen dined publicly in ancient state, whilst rare music was discoursed, and many ceremonies observed, amongst these being that each servitor of the royal table should eat some bread dipped in sauce of the dish he bore. 

On these occasions meats for the King's table were brought from the kitchen by yeomen of the guard, or beef-eaters. These men, selected as being amongst the handsomest, strongest, and tallest in England, were dressed in liveries of red cloth, faced with black velvet, having the King's cipher on the back, and on the breast the emblems of the Houses of York and Lancaster. By them the dishes were handed to the gentlemen in waiting, who served royalty upon their knees. “You see,” said Charles one day to the Chevalier de Grammont, “how I am waited on.” “I thank your majesty for the explanation,” said the saucy Frenchman; “I thought they were begging pardon for offering you so bad a dinner.” [This mode of serving the sovereign continued unto the coming of George I.] – From Royalty Restored or London Under Charles II, by J. Fitzgerald Molloy, 1885

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Furcifer, Forks and Coryat

Above– A “sucket” fork and spoon combination for eating gingered fruits and sticky foods. “It is true that we have instances of forks even so far back as the pagan Anglo-Saxon period, but they are often found coupled with spoons...” “The dinner was the largest and most ceremonious meal of the day. The hearty character of this meal is remarked by a foreign traveller in England, who published his “Mémoires et Observations” in French in 1698: “Les Anglois,” he tells us, “mangent beaucoup à diner; ils mangent à reprises, et remplissent le sac. Leur souper est leger. Gloutons à midi, fort sobres au soir.” – (The English, eat a lot at dinner; they eat on a regular basis, and fill the bag. Their supper is light. Wolverines at noon, very sober at night.)

In the sixteenth century, dinner still began with the same ceremonious washing of hands as formerly; and there was considerable ostentation in the ewers and basins used for this purpose. This custom was rendered more necessary by the circumstance that at table people of all ranks used their fingers for the purposes to which we now apply a fork. This article was not used in England for the purpose to which it is now applied, until the reign of James I. It is true that we have instances of forks even so far back as the pagan Anglo-Saxon period, but they are often found coupled with spoons, and on considering all the circumstances, I am led to the conviction that they were in no instance used for feeding, but merely for serving, as we still serve salad and other articles, taking them out of basin or dish with a fork and spoon. In fact, to those who have not been taught the use of it, a fork must necessarily be a very awkward and inconvenient instrument. We know that the use of forks came from Italy, the country to which England owed many of the new fashions of the beginning of the seventeenth century. It is curious to read Coryat’s account of the usage of forks at table as he first saw it in that country in the course of his travels. 

“I observed,” says he, “a custome in all those Italian cities and townes through which I passed, that is not used in any other country that I saw in my travels, neither doe I thinke that any other nation of Christendome doth use it, but only Italy. The Italian, and also most strangers that are commorant in Italy, doe alwaies at their meales use a little forke, when they cut their meate. For while with their knife which they hold in one hande they cut the meat out of the dish, they fasten their forke, which they hold in their other hande, upon the same dish, so that whatsoever he be that sitting in the company of any others at meale, should unadvisedly touch the dish of meate with his fingers, from which all at the table do cut, he will give occasion of offence unto the company, as having transgressed the lawes of good manners, insomuch that for his he shall be at the least brow-beaten, if not reprehended in wordes. 

This forme of feeding I understand is generally used in all places of Italy, their forkes being for the most part made of yron or steele, and some of silver, but those are used only by gentlemen. The reason of this their curiosity is, because the Italian cannot by any means indure to have his dish touched with fingers, seeing all men’s fingers are not alike cleane. Hereupon I myself thought good to imitate the Italian fashion by this forked cutting of meate, not only while I was in Italy, but also in Germany, and oftentimes in England since I came home; being once quipped for that frequent using of my forke by a certain learned gentleman, a familiar friend of mine, one Mr. Lawrence Whittaker, who in his merry humour doubted not to call me at table furcifer, only for using a forke at feeding, but for no other cause.” Furcifer, in Latin, it need hardly be observed, meant literally one who carries a fork, but its proper signification was, a villain who deserves the gallows.

The usage of forks thus introduced into England, appears soon to have become common. It is alluded to more than once in Beaumont and Fletcher, and in Ben Jonson, but always as a foreign fashion. In Jonson’s comedy of “The Devil is an Ass,” we have the following dialogue:

Meerc. Have I deserv’d this from you two, for all
My pains at court to get you each a patent?
Gilt. For what?
Meerc. Upon my project o’ the forks.
Sle. Forks? what be they?
Meerc. The laudable use of forks,
Brought into custom here, as they are in Italy,
To th’ sparing o’ napkins.

In fact the new invention rendered the washing of hands no longer so necessary as before, and though it was still continued as a polite form before sitting down to dinner, the practice of washing the hands after dinner appears to have been entirely discontinued.” – A History of Domestic Manners and Sentiments in England, During the Middle Ages, By Thomas Wright, Esq., MA. FSA., 1862 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Cuisinier Aristocracy

18th C. Negus Port Punch – “At the commencement of the evening, it appeared to me that a haughty reserve and proud etiquette prevailed throughout the brilliant society; but as the evening advanced, and negus and punch were imbibed by the vigorous dancers, a more familiar language and an easier attitude possessed both ladies and gentlemen.” 

Parisian High Life Below Stairs 

The Paris correspondent of the London Morning Post describes a “magnificent” ball which took place in the Sal Valentino, known as the annual cook’s ball:

The aristocracy of the kitchen, and the more beautiful women of the halle, together with the knights of the cassero e, mustered strongly. It is no exaggeration to say, that the toilettes of the ladies wore worthy of the most aristocratic salons of Paris, and diamonds and precious stones abounded, leading me to conclude that the culinary art in Paris must be very handsomely remunerated. Some of the more beautiful women of the fish market wore jewelry which must have cost thousands of francs. Quadrilles of honor were formed by the kings and princes of high life below stairs, who chose for their partners, the more renowned female aristocracy of the monde-cuisiniere. At the commencement of the evening, it appeared to me that a haughty reserve and proud etiquette prevailed throughout the brilliant society; but as the evening advanced, and negus and punch were imbibed by the vigorous dancers, a more familiar language and an easier attitude possessed both ladies and gentlemen. 

The cavaliers were dressed precisely in the same white cravat, white gloves, and embroidered shirt sublimity which forms the characteristic appearance of other noblemen of another class. It was pleasant to join in the refreshing conversation of the belles of this ball. Instead of the namby-pamby nonsense of other aristocratic circles, it was interesting to hear one’s quadrille partner, after the dance was over, indulging in a vigorous abuse of this or that noble family, the phrases heing sprinkled with epithets singularly expressive. I came to the conclusion that all classes of society are very much alike, in that all indulge in scandal, detraction and abuse when they are natural. It was not until 3 o'clock that the carriages of the company blocked up the Rue St. Honoré and the servants of the guests arrived, and gradually beckoned away the dancing company. The utmost hilarity and good breeding prevailed, and I do not believe the kitchen staff of any other nation of the world could have contributed so well-dressed so well-educated and so polite a society. It only wanted the presence of the Emperor and Empress to make this soirée as brilliant as any given at the Court of the Tullieries. – Daily Alta, 1868

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

French Sealing Wax Etiquette

“Chocolate Brown” is for dinner invitations – whether or not Caroline Bingley’s brother “will be dining elsewhere.”

The Parisian Sealing Wax Code

Paris stationers are selling boxes of colored sealing wax with instructions in the etiquette of the use of all of the different shades. Black is for mourning, White for marriage invitations or announcements, Violet for condolence, Chocolate for dinner invitations. Ox Blood, although that might be unsuitable for dinner notes, is for business. Young girls are to use Light Pink, and love letters are to be sealed with Ruby. They say that it’s the fashionable Parisians who use the colors according to this code. – Inyo Independent, 1910

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Forest Visiting Etiquette

Remember, if your safety is compromised, anyone who attempts to help rescue you will certainly have their safety compromised too.

Etiquette in the Forest
by Gabriella Kanyok

The other day, I had changed my high heels for comfortable shoes, and we spent a day up in the forest exploring. It was challenging, but fun. And I wouldn't be me, if at the end of the day, I didn't have some tips for you about how to behave in the forest. Here are my tips:

• Stay safe – First of all, for your own safety and the safety of others, a predictive and appropriate behavior is important. In unseen passages, as well as in narrow or steep places, obstacles and other people can appear at any time. Staying at such points is also a risk. Path conditions and weather conditions influence the experience. For fast descents, you have to be aware that at any time that wild animals can also cross your path. Remember, if your safety is compromised, anyone who attempts to help rescue you will certainly have their safety compromised too.
• Take care of your surroundings – You are not at home. You are a visitor. Please be respectful, protect animals and plants and behave as appropriately as a visitor should.
• Make yourself visible – Make yourself visible to other hikers in a polite manner. When you meet others, greet them. 
• On a faster treks – If you wish to overtake other hikers, alert them in time. If someone is traveling faster or in another direction, let them pass you. We are all in favour for resting and relaxing in nature. Hikers should all be able to enjoy the experience and help create a friendly coexistence.
• Keep it clean – If you leave your waste or rubbish, you endanger the animal and plant life while destroying the picturesque landscape for others, as well as yourself. Please collect together all your non-organic rubbish and place in the litter bins provided on the way, or take it home with you.
• Don’t forget the pets – If you bring your dogs, please clean up after them. Basics!
• Forest fire hazards – Whilst you may roast some bacon - in a designated area - (I know, Hungarian bacon roasting aka "szallonasütés" is a very Hungarian activity and tradition) or smoke cigarettes, please ensure that any fire and/or cigarettes are never left unattended. Make sure that they are extinguished properly.
• Take care with glass – Importantly, do not leave bottles or glass, broken or otherwise as it can act as a magnifying glass and start a fire. Also, glass can be a danger for children and animals.
• Lastly – Enjoy the nature!

Gabriella Kanyok is a diplomatic protocol, etiquette and communication expert with more than 10 years' experience in working with EU institutes, NGOs, internaionalorganisations, and supporting professionals. She not only advises and trains government- and EU officials, and businessmen in the field of diplomatic protocol and business etiquette, but she leads the communication department of an international organisation. Gabriella holds a Master’s degree in International Studies, and a Master’s in Protocol, Diplomacy and Cross Cultural Relations. She speaks Hungarian, English and French, and is currently learning Mandarin Chinese.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia