Etiquette, Parties and the Royal Tab

A depiction of the beautiful chapel at Blenheim Palace where the young Duchess worships.– “At all house parties honored by the Prince, he has the privilege, by one of those unwritten laws in the code of etiquette, to name the guests, and usually this list has included several titled Ladies whose names have been linked altogether too closely with that of the Prince for his wife's liking. This is one of the principle reasons why the Princess has declined to visit the country homes of the Nobility. It would be most embarrassing for her to meet any of these Ladies, and humiliating to be forced to treat them with ordinary civility.”

Blenheim’s Grand Fete

 Vanderbilt’s Dollars Will Foot the Bills 

A Gala Lasting Five Days to Cater to Royalty's Pleasure and Gratify Pride –The Girl Duchess, Consuelo, Had the Rare Distinction of Entertaining the Princess

LONDON, Nov. 27.—Consuelo, the American Duchess of Marlborough, made her real and grand entree to British society on November 23d. It was a great day for the Marlboroughs, a greater day for the historic old Blenheim, and the greatest day of all for the House of Vanderbilt. A home party was given at Blenheim from the 23d to the 27th of the month, which eclipsed anything of the kind that the people of England have seen in many a long day. For five days, from Monday to Friday, inclusive, the great structure sheltered more of unreal powers of the British swelldom than are often gathered under one roof. 

The leading guests were the Prince and Princess of Wales, and right here it should be stated that it is a premier honor for the Princess to grace a house party. Within the past half dozen years she has not been a member of more than three or four house parties, and these were given by her oldest and most intimate friends. Ordinarily, the intimates of the Prince are not honored with the friendship of the Princess. They are too gay and frivolous for the sober dignity of the lady and moreover, some of the husband's choicest friends have reputations which deny them admittance to that division of society which prides itself upon genuine respectability. 

At all house parties honored by the Prince, he has the privilege, by one of those unwritten laws in the code of etiquette, to name the guests, and usually this list has included several titled Ladies whose names have been linked altogether too closely with that of the Prince for his wife's liking. This is one of the principle reasons why the Princess has declined to visit the country homes of the Nobility. It would be most embarrassing for her to meet any of these Ladies, and humiliating to be forced to treat them with ordinary civility. 

An Irreproachable List

But there was no danger of anything like this happening at Blenheim. The list of guests was absolutely irreproachable. It included the very cream of the peerage, the principal guests being the Duke and Duchess of Abereorn, the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire, the Duke and Duchess of Buccleuch, the Dowager Duchess of Marlborough, Lord and Lady Lansdowne, Lord and Lady Londonderry, Lady Blandford and her daughters, Lord and Lady Pembroke, Lord Durham, Lord and Lady Wimborne, Lord and Lady Georgiana Curzon and Sir George and Lady Julia Wombwell. These are all the intimate friends of the Princess, and it is shrewdly suspected that she made out the list of guests this time, instead of her husband. There was a big crowd of country notables at Blenheim on the evening of Thursday, the 26th, when the annual county ball would be given. But these folks are not of the caliber which causes the domestic worries of the Princess, and this important event passed off as it had been planned.

“Entertaining the Prince of Wales and a select company of Dukes and Duchesses is not a responsibility to be lightly assumed. The Prince is practically the master of the house during his stay. That is British etiquette. The family chef consults with the Secretary of His Royal Highness each day and reserves orders for the menu for the day. The cost never bothers the Prince, he is notoriously careless about heaping up bills which he must pay himself, and when it comes to accumulating bills for other people to pay, his carelessness is quite remarkable. Not only does he control the chef and the caretaker of the wine cellar, but he maps out the amusements for each day.” 

Interesting for Americans 

Americans should be deeply interested in this fete at Blenheim, for the single reason that American dollars will foot the bills. And these bills will amount to a pretty penny. Entertaining the Prince of Wales and a select company of Dukes and Duchesses is not a responsibility to be lightly assumed. The Prince is practically the master of the house during his stay. That is British etiquette. The family chef consults with the Secretary of His Royal Highness each day and reserves orders for the menu for the day. The cost never bothers the Prince, he is notoriously careless about heaping up bills which he must pay himself, and when it comes to accumulating bills for other people to pay, his carelessness is quite remarkable. Not only does he control the chef and the caretaker of the wine cellar, but he maps out the amusements for each day. 

Lord Lonsdale has spent $200,000 in a single week in entertaining the Prince, and it is fair to assume that the expenses at Blenheim during the great fete will not fall much below that stupendous figure. Even for a Vanderbilt, this is an enormous amount to get rid of in a single week. It is understood, however, that  Mr. William K. Vanderbilt, father of the young Duchess, has determined that nothing shall be lacking in a financial way to make his daughter's social success absolute. As is well known, the young Duke has next to nothing in the way of available money. All of his wealth is entailed and the property sadly run down by the extravagant encroachments made upon it during the careless lifetime of his father.

A Beautiful Chapel

Already a good half million dollars have been spent by the young Duchess in furbishing up the great house and in covering up the spots made barren by the late Duke, when a money-raising fit seized him. Particular attention has been paid by the Duchess to the private chapel in Blenheim, one of the most beautiful interiors of its kind in the country. In the days of the former Duke, this chapel was more of a mockery than anything else, but the Duchess Consuelo is religiously inclined, and the Sunday services are held there regularly. It would be well worth a journey to Blenheim to see the chapel alone. Its most conspicuous feature is the tomb of the first Duke and Duchess, the builders of Blenheim. It faces the pews occupied by the Ducal party, and is a gigantic mass of beautifully sculptured marble. The pulpit stands just to the left of the entrance doors and a dozen pews for other worshipers.

It is beginning to be regarded as somewhat strange that Mrs. Belmont, mother of the Duchess, and Mr. Belmont, have not yet been guests at Blenheim, and some people hint that the young Duke is not anxious for the friendship of his mother-in-law's second husband. If it turns out to be true that the Belmonts have purchased a country place in England, the young Duke will be forced to declare his position in regard to the Belmonts one way or the other. At any rate, the position of the young Duchess will be firmly established in British society by the house party, and the croakers who predict a complete failure for her at the time of her marriage, will be proven false prophets. – Los Angeles Herald, 1896 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Gilded Age Newport Etiquette

Consuelo Spencer-Churchill, Duchess of Marlborough, was a member of the prominent American Vanderbilt family. Her marriage to Charles Spencer-Churchill, 9th Duke of Marlborough became an international symbol of the socially advantageous, but loveless, “Dollar Princess” marriages, which were so common during the Gilded Age.

Newport Etiquette

One must be very circumspect at Newport. Etiquette requires of men that they marry the daughter of a host or hostess, whenever an invitation is accepted to dine at a house where there is a marriageable heiress. At the Eastern watering places, it is claimed that the Duke of Marlborough would not have dared to become the guest of Mrs. William K. Vanderbilt had he not been seized with matrimonial designs upon Consuelo Vanderbilt.— Chicago News, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Gilded Age Money

 The papers wanted to remind Vanderbilt of his “Poverty of Riches”... That his money could not buy friends, love, social acceptance or class, and that his family had not yet become included in Mrs. Astor’s New York Society “400.” 

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 “The price of flowers, of the caterer's bills, of the dresses to be worn, etc..., are as much a part of the Vanderbilt balls as the balls themselves; and the rather intelligent public that Mr. Vanderbilt sometimes hastily consigns to damnation, is not in any degree misled by the sorry spectacle of a man who possesses only great riches, trying to buy social esteem—about the only commodity that is never in the market.”

Vanderbilt's Poverty of Riches

The public journals are embellished now and then with reports in advance of a hundred thousand dollar ball to be given by Mr. William H. Vanderbilt, and a detailed account of the occasion is furnished in the newspapers after the fact. Indeed, public notice in advance of the cost of the Vanderbilt balls, with details of the price of flowers, of the caterer's bills, of the dresses to be worn, etc., are as much a part of the Vanderbilt balls as the balls themselves; and the rather intelligent public that Mr. Vanderbilt sometimes hastily consigns to damnation, is not in any degree misled by the sorry spectacle of a man who possesses only great riches, trying to buy social esteem—about the only commodity that is never in the market. 

The Vanderbilt balls come along as regularly as do seasons, but the same medley of speculators, politicians, shoddyites and social stragglers come and go all the time. It must be evident to a sensible, practical business man like Mr. Vanderbilt that no measure of extravagant expenditure in flowers, suppers, silks, satins and diamonds, will make the New York social public regard him as any other than William H. Vanderbilt, the son of his father, with much clustering about the family name and fortune that it would be generously charitable to forget. 

He knows how to buy or wreck a railroad, and how to draw the ribbons on the fastest horses, and how to compel Wall Street to pay homage to his financial power; but he can neither drive nor lead that often obstinate and ever capricious element of humanity that assumes to be the society of the period. It will smile or frown at will, and even the wealth of a Vanderbilt knocks at its doors, clad in all the trappings of the old and the new world, without responsive welcome. Mr. Vanderbilt is the richest private citizen of any nation in the world. His annual income reaches him a score of millions, and he has houses and lands and railways and horses and paintings and statuary and fine raiment until they must pall upon his taste; but what good? He will die just as other men die, and who will keep his memory green? We have yet to hear of a church, a school, a library or a charity that owes its existence to his generosity, and the poor and friendless do not lisp his name with the gratitude that cheers the benefactor. 

Hard by his grand palace is the unfinished cathedral, that if completed by the donation of half of his legitimate income a twelve month , would be a perpetual monument of the usefulness of his life, and it would stand as a faithful sentinel against the mob that sometimes turns to destruction in the fruitless hunt for bread. There are a thousand channels in which the rapidly accumulating wealth of Vanderbilt could be made to pay a much larger and better interest to its owner. It would not be in added millions to the already unneeded millions of the richest citizen of the world; but it would brighten the evening of his life with consolation and gather about him the only sincerity he can find to bless his name while living and embalm it in grateful memories when dead. 

Mr. Vanderbilt can well afford his hundred thousand dollar balls to gratify the love of display that usurps the better social attainments of life, as that would be wasting not more than three days’ income; but if he would make the shadows of the gathering night resplendent with golden lining, let him make the world better and happier because of his existence, and leave at least some few of the poor and friendless to keep his memory green, when those who revel in his shoddy gifts shall have speeded his departure into forgetfulness. – Los Angeles Herald, 1884

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Etiquette and Acceptance

Though incredibly wealthy, the famous Vanderbilt family had not truly been welcomed into New York’s Gilded Age society, and wouldn’t be welcomed unless they were accepted by the ultimate social “judge and jury” of the day, Mrs. Caroline Astor. The Mrs. Astor of the famous list of “400” socially acceptable people... a number based on the limitations of the Astor’s fabulous New York City ballroom, (which was actually a list of merely 319) But, without Astor’s social support, the Vanderbilts were merely the wealthiest “nobodies” in New York society. Soon after the announcement of a forthcoming Vanderbilt ball, but before the formal invitations had been issued, Miss Carrie Astor, took it for granted that, as leaders of society, the Astors would, of course, be invited. Mrs. Vanderbilt heard of this, and told friends that she could not invite Miss Astor to her ball, as her mother “had never called upon her” socially. This reached Mrs. Astor’s ears, and soon after she called upon Mrs. Vanderbilt. She and her daughter were thus invited to the Vanderbilt ball, “making” the Vanderbilts in the process. 

Ball  “Made” Vanderbilts

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Magnificent Entertainment Gained Family Formal Recognition by Recognized New York “Society.”

The Vanderbilts obtained their first secure foothold in New York’s leading society by a great fancy-dress ball given by Mrs. William K. Vanderbilt In her beautiful Fifth Avenue house on the evening of March 26, 1883. It surpassed in splendor, in beauty, in brilliancy, and in luxurious and lavish expense any scene before witnessed in New York. But two or three of the leaders of New York society, notably Mrs. William Astor, had never called upon any of the ladies of the Vanderbilt family. 

According to the generally accepted story, soon after the announcement of the forthcoming ball, but before the formal invitations had been issued, Miss Carrie Astor, the only unmarried daughter of Mrs. William Astor, organized a fancy dress quadrille to be danced at the ball by several young ladies and gentlemen, it being taken for granted by the Astors that, as leaders of society, they would, of course, be invited. Mrs. Vanderbilt heard of this, and stated in the hearing of some friends that she could not invite Miss Astor to her ball, as her mother had never called upon her. 

This reached Mrs. Astor’s ears, and soon after she called upon Mrs. Vanderbilt. She and her daughter were invited to the Vanderbilt ball. Thus did the ball break the last barrier down and the Vanderbilt family was firmly established among New York’s social leaders. –Healdsburg Enterprise, 1923

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and an African Princess

West African Royalty, Sara Forbes Bonetta, on her wedding day with her Groom, in 1862. Queen Victoria had raised her as a ‘Goddaughter’ in the British middle class. This description is of the wedding; “The wedding party, which arrived from West Hill Lodge, Brighton in ten carriages and pairs of grays, was made up of White ladies with African gentlemen, and African ladies with White gentlemen. There were sixteen bridesmaids.”

Sarah Forbes Bonetta was born a child of Yoruba Royalty. She was a Princess of the Egbado clan in West Africa. The army of the Kingdom of Dahomey brutally attacked her village when Sarah, was only 4 or 5 years old though, slaughtering her siblings and decapitating her parents. The now orphaned Princess was kept as a slave in the court of Dahomey King Ghezo. The King, a notorious slave trader, had plans for Aina (Sarah’s birth name). She was to become a human sacrifice.

During a visit to King Ghezo, Royal Navy Captain Frederick E. Forbes was able to rescue the young Princess. On a mission to convince Ghezo to abandon the slave trade, Forbes bargained for the Sarah’s life. He persuaded the King to give her to Queen Victoria. Later, in his journal, he wrote: “She would be a present from the King of the Blacks to the Queen of the Whites.” Forbes re-named Sarah after his ship, the HMS Bonetta and his own name. The Princess Aina became “Sarah Forbes Bonetta” and they sailed for England. 

Queen Victoria and Sarah Forbes Bonetta, as portrayed on ITV’s series, “Victoria” – “… back in Shakespeare's day, you could have met people from west Africa and even Bengal in the same London streets. Of course, there were fewer, and they drew antipathy as well as fascination from the Tudor inhabitants, who had never seen black people before. But we know they lived, worked and intermarried, so it is fair to say that Britain's first black community starts here. There had been black people in Britain in Roman times, and they are found as musicians in the early Tudor period in England and Scotland. But the real change came in Elizabeth I's reign, when, through the records, we can pick up ordinary, working, black people, especially in London. Shakespeare himself, a man fascinated by 'the other', wrote several black parts - indeed, two of his greatest characters are black - and the fact that he put them into mainstream entertainment reflects the fact that they were a significant element in the population of London. Employed especially as domestic servants, but also as musicians, dancers and entertainers, their numbers ran to many hundreds, maybe even more. And let's be clear - they were not slaves. In English law, it was not possible to be a slave in England (although that principle had to be re-stated in slave trade court cases in the late 18th Century, like the Somersett case of 1772). In Elizabeth's reign, the black people of London were mostly free. Some indeed, both men and women, married native English people.” –BBC History Magazine

The first meeting between Queen Victoria and Sarah was at Windsor Castle in November of 1850. Opposed to racism, and impressed by Sarah’s intelligence
and manners, Victoria recognized her Royal blood by calling her a “Princess.” Queen Victoria soon became Sarah’s “Godmother” and invited her regularly to Windsor Castle. Victoria paid for her education and upbringing after finding guardians for the young Princess. Captain Forbes died a year later, around the same time that Sarah developed a chronic cough, attributed to the climate in England. In an attempt to improve her health, Victoria sent Sarah to Sierra Leone in the hope that her health would improve in the warmer temperatures.

Sarah excelled academically, but was unhappy living in Sierra Leone, and attending the church missionary society school there. Queen Victoria arranged for Sarah’s return in 1855, when she was about 12 years old. She lived in Gillingham, with the Schoen family. Remaining a part of Queen Victoria’s life, Sarah was a guest at her daughter Princess Vicky’s wedding.Sarah received a marriage proposal from Captain James Pinson Labulo Davies, when she was 19. He was a wealthy Yoruban businessman, already a widower and more than 10 years her senior. Initially turning down the proposal, Sarah soon agreed to the marriage. Victoria naturally approved the match. Like other young women her age, Sarah had no financial independence if she remained unmarried.

A large wedding in Brighton followed, with guests both white and black. Much happier than Sarah had initially presumed she’d be, the couple moved to Africa. They had three children: Victoria, named after the Queen, Arthur and Stella. The family returned to England in 1867. Smitten with her young namesake, Queen Victoria not only became Godmother to little Victoria, she paid for her education, as well. Sadly, Sarah died of tuberculosis at the age of 37, on Portugal’s island of Madeira.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Museum Etiquette

Please don’t feed (or touch) the bears! – Photo from Candace Smith’s visit to the Anchorage Museum, Anchorage, Alaska

Museums are a place of wonder, housing visual aspects of culture, imagination, and history. The primary reason to visit museums is to educate yourself in some way. But even though a good educational experience involves interaction, not all museums encourage this. Some pieces are meant to only be viewed.

For the Best Experience

I don’t know of any place that requires greater vigilance to the rules than does a museum. It’s important for you to know what to expect, and the behavior expected of you. Keep in mind, however, that rules, though seemingly stringent, are created to provide all visitors a meaningful experience while protecting the valuable art and artifacts that are kept there.

Rules will be posted at each facility, but here are ones that will apply at any museum:

1. Do not bring food or liquid into a gallery and do not chew gum.
2. Politely comply if you are asked to place backpacks and large bags in a locker.
3. If it is not a self-guided museum, stay with your tour guide at all times.
4. Never touch exhibit displays. 
5. Please don't run or play around. When you least expect it, something will be knocked over or be broken.
6. Touch only the pieces designated for touching, such as interactive displays and buttons that turn on audio or video.
7. Always walk at the specified distance from displays and never cross ropes to get a closer look. This is usually at least a one-foot distance.
8. Do not take pictures unless expressly permitted. Usually, photographs are permitted as long as no flash or lights are used.
9. If you are in a group led by a guide, it would not be considerate to take pictures while the tour is being conducted unless invited to do so.
10. Talk quietly so you don't interrupt or annoy others listening during a guided tour, or who simply want a thoughtful experience.
11. Ask questions of your guide, but avoid monopolizing her time.

When visiting the Anchorage Museum, I walked through an exhibit featuring three colorful bears. I was fascinated! Though there was a sign clearly posted to warn me, I instinctively reached out and touched one of them...

When Enthusiasm Takes Over

If you love to visit museums and learn new things, there will be times when you see something exciting and can't contain yourself.

I'm certainly no exception. When visiting the Anchorage Museum, I walked through an exhibit featuring three colorful bears. I was fascinated! Though there was a sign clearly posted to warn me, I instinctively reached out and touched one of them. I know, but I couldn't help myself!

I immediately pulled my hand away and told our guide, who was standing next to me, "Oh, I am sorry!" I kept guard of my straying hands after that incident.

When enthusiasm takes over, do your best to be mindful of your movements. Museum curators enjoy knowing how much guests like the works they've installed, but don't risk letting your excitement ruin a piece of priceless art.

If you do happen to touch something (or worse), find a staff person and tell him or her. It may be necessary that they clean the piece to remove the oils and bacteria from your fingers, or right whatever wrong has accidentally happened.

Visit Museums Often

Museums are a wealth of knowledge waiting for you to explore. Though some people are a little put-off by the rules in place, it is entirely possible to visit, learn information, and be inspired by the things you will see - all while having fun. The most important rule is to enjoy yourself while doing your part to protect and preserve the art work, and to be mindful that others will come after you, hopefully for many years to come. 

Meet our newest contributor, Candace Smith... A retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and What’s Overheard

What to Do When You Overhear Conversations

When you overhear conversations between other people, there are a variety of reactions that may occur. You may be disturbed, entertained, surprised, or saddened, among other feelings.

Even when you have no intention of listening, it is easy to become drawn in, especially if you have an opinion about the topic, or if the topic affects you personally. While there isn't much to be done about people conversing in public or shared spaces, there are things you can do to manage what you might hear.

Cell Phone Conversations

Overhearing someone on a cell phone can be very distracting! Mostly because you pick up on the half of the conversation you can hear, and begin assuming the other half of the conversation you can't hear.

You feel as if you are eavesdropping when you're really not. After all, the conversation entered your space.

Whenever this happens and I become annoyed by it, someone near and dear to me always advises, "Just don't listen." Easier said than done, so if it's possible to move away from a phone conversation, I do. But when it's not, I make the best of it, sometimes giving my imagination a little exercise.

If you need to take a call in a public or shared space, keep it short - and quiet. And if you can move to a more private space to take your call, the people around you will appreciate it.

Conversations at Work

Open work spaces allow for much information sharing. Some of it you don't need to know, or don't want to hear.

Discretion is a valuable commodity for professionals. The bottom line is, even if you don't work in an open office environment, there are likely times when you will overhear conversations or see written materials that were not meant for you. This information is not to be shared.

However, if these conversations are not work related and the circumstances of your overhearing them seem to repeat themselves, it's a good idea to let the parties involved know that you hear them talking and remind them to be more discreet in a professional environment.

I Can Hear You!

In the grand scheme of things, we live in a free society where most people feel comfortable speaking their thoughts. While this is something to be valued, we forget that our words will enter the space of other people who may have no appreciation for them for whatever reason.

As a listener, you might offer these solutions:

• Consider letting the person(s) know that you are overhearing them, if doing so wouldn't be a distraction to others.
• If the people talking don't know you are there, say or do something to be noticed. Try clearing your throat or coughing.
• Don't repeat what you heard to others. This will only light the fire of gossip.
• If you know someone who isn't aware she is being overheard, you can interrupt politely with a question related to another subject. In private, mention the reason you were trying to change the conversation.
• If you are at a restaurant and are bothered by someone who is talking loudly, ask your server or the manager if you can move to another table.

Should You Try to Help?

What is probably the hardest thing about overhearing someone talking is when there is an obvious conflict or sadness, and you wonder if you should break the boundaries of personal space and see if you can help. If you hear an argument through the walls of a hotel room and it sounds serious, or you hear someone sobbing as they’re talking on the phone, should you do anything?

Should you then choose to eavesdrop for the purpose of standing ready to help someone?

We always want to be available to help someone, to give an encouraging word, or to have enough information to say the right thing. This means taking risks, erring on the side of more listening rather than less.

The decision to get involved in a situation like this is a very personal choice. It's also important to understand that your offer of help may be rejected.

Meet our newest contributor, Candace Smith... A retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Tea Rituals and Scone Etiquette

This looks delicious, but it is not "the done thing" to cut a scone, slather clotted cream and jam on, then put the scone back together to form a kind of bulky sandwich. Scones are broken, much like a bread roll. The scone (pronounced as in “gone” not as in “cone”) is to be eaten in a very particular way. Scones are served whole and preferably warm from the oven, and as with bread you break a scone with your fingers, and spread the jam and cream on, bite-size by bite-size piece. One should never be seen to cut a scone with a knife.

The Beginnings of the Afternoon Tea Ritual 

The British ritual of afternoon tea is attributed to Anna Maria, 7th Duchess of Bedford. The Duchess was staying as a guest of John Manners, the 5th Duke of Rutland, at Belvoir Castle in Leicestershire when she found herself experiencing a “sinking feeling” during the long hours between midday luncheon and late evening dinner. 

She requested a snack of tea and cake to curb her hunger and found that she so enjoyed it that she invited her friends to join her. She continued the social gatherings when she returned to her home at Woburn Abbey and even took her own silver tea equipment with her when she went to visit her friends in their castles and palaces.

A stunning, late 19th century silver and enamel tea service. Tea services added to the ceremony of Victorian afternoon tea we know today.  

As the popularity of this new found ritual spread amongst the upper and middle classes the Victorians unsurprisingly began producing new specially designed apparatus to further enhance the enjoyment of afternoon tea. So up sprang all the elegant tea pots and kettles and creamers and tea strainers, and subsequently the ceremony of afternoon tea grew into what we know today.– Contributor Rachel North Contributor Rachel North is an etiquette and afternoon tea enthusiast with a love for anything -ancient and historical. Etiquette Enthusiast Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Low and High Teas

Several 19th century ladies and a gentleman,  enjoying an outdoor afternoon, or “low tea.” “High tea” is a completely different meal in itself and does not connote any segment of society, wealth, ability to exhibit manners or the oft and incorrectly used term, “classy.” 

Afternoon tea is traditionally known as “low tea” because it was served whilst sitting down on low sofas and chairs, whereas high tea is a completely different meal in itself. High tea does not have anything to do with the overused and misused phrase, “high class,” but instead got its name due to being eaten on high tables amongst the working classes. After a long day’s hard labour, the working classes would gather together for their evening meal which usually consisted of meat, fish and other heavy foods. It is still common to hear people from various areas of the country refer to their dinner as “tea” and their lunch as “dinner.” When presented correctly, afternoon or a “low tea” is actually a three course meal, hence the prettily decorated three-tier stand. The tea when presented correctly is actually a three course meal, hence the prettily decorated three-tier cake stand. Quite apart from being purely aesthetic, the cake stand represents the three courses. When when having tea, you “work from the bottom up” when it comes to the stand. The bottom tier represents your first course and is usually laden with finger sandwiches, the middle tier sports warm, succulent looking scones and the top tier finishes the meal off with various cakes, pastries and petit fours. It is incorrect for the three tier cake stand to be arranged in any other way.— Etiquipedia Contributor, Rachel North

Contributor Rachel North is an etiquette and afternoon tea enthusiast with a love for anything -ancient and historical.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Manners Make Us Human

How good manners are what really make us human... and help keep us free from disease – Dr Val Curtis, an expert on disease control at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, said: ‘Manners should be up there with fire and language as a prime candidate for what makes us human.’ 

How Manners Make Us Human 

“... the first, and most ancient function of manners, is to allow bacteria and virus-ridden humans to socialise without falling ill.”

• An expert on disease control says  manners stop us from standing so close to people we could spread infection 

• They also encourage us to keep ourselves and homes clean 

• Good manners stop us from biting into food already eaten

Manners really do maketh man – it could be that they are one of the keys to being human.

Scientists have suggested that good manners not only distinguish us from the rest of the animal kingdom, they help keep humans free of disease and underpin the co-operation that helps the world go round. 

Dr Val Curtis, an expert on disease control at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, said: ‘Manners should be up there with fire and language as a prime candidate for what makes us human.’ 

Dr Curtis warns of the dangers of handshakes which could transfer salmonella bacteria among other unwanted infections

‘Far from being an old-fashioned set of rules about which fork to use, manners are so important that they should be up there with fire and the invention of language as a prime candidate for what makes us human.'  

She argues that the first, and most ancient function of manners, is to allow bacteria and virus-ridden humans socialise without falling ill.  

Writing in New Scientist, she added: ‘Although I’d like to hang around in case you have information or goods to exchange, it might be more sensible if I ran way because, to me, you are a walking bag of microbes.  

'With every exhalation you might emit millions of influenza viruses and your handshake might transfer salmonella bacteria. ‘When we fail in these civilities, the disgust shown provokes shame and teaches us not to repeat the offence. ‘More intimate contact could give me hepatitis, syphilis or worse.  ‘You too, of course, make the same subconscious calculation. 

'So how can we get close enough to share the benefits but avoid sharing our microbes? This is the job of manners.' Good manners stop us from standing so close to someone that we spray them with saliva as we speak.  They also encourage us to keep ourselves and our homes clean and stop us from sharing food we have already bitten into.

The consequences of bad manners don’t end with falling ill.  Dr. Curtis said: ‘If I fail in my manners, you may reject and ostracise me and refuse further collaboration, denying me access to the benefits of life as a member of an intensely social species. We play out a mannerly dance every day, getting close but not too close. 

Dr. Curtis also suggests good manners compel us to keep clean and tidy homes which will further reduce the risk of infection

‘Worse, you may gossip about my lapses in hygiene and tarnish my reputation, denying me access to the benefits of life as a member of an intensely social species.’ 

Dr Curtis, who covers the topic in her book, Don’t Look, Don’t Touch, says that manners also underpin our ability to co-operate with others, with polite people seen as team players.  

Her article concludes: ‘We play out a mannerly dance every day, getting close but not too close, offering tokens of goodwill but not giving away too much. ‘Yet we do the dance largely unaware of why we do it.   ‘We have vague intuitions that it would be better not to disgust a guest by appearing unkempt or by offering them a dirty towel and we follow the rules of politeness that were drummed into us as children.' – By Fiona Macrae – Science Correspondent, Daily Mail Online

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Cheese Etiquette

“A French host will always serve some cheese with the evening meal. We tend to eat cheese before the sweet, because having any after dessert is a bit more difficult to enjoy. The host will serve around four cheeses with some baguette, which is eaten with red wine - white wine would be a crime. There are no chutneys, no tomatoes, grapes or apple that goes with it like you have in England. It is a simple mouthful of bread and cheese, not even any butter.” – Eric Charriaux in MailOnline.com

Most people understandably don't think there are many rules for eating cheese, but that couldn't be further from the truth. The etiquette pitfalls are actually numerous, varying from deploying the incorrect condiments and slicing the cheese the wrong way.

Eric Charriaux and his business partner Amnon Paldi own Premier Cheese, which supplies cheese to the restaurant and hotel industry, as well as a range of fromageries called La Cave á Fromage. Here Charriaux explains some of the rules the French have when it comes to eating cheese, starting with how you should always have enough for a selection to offer unexpected guests.

According to Charriaux, “Most French people have their own plastic or wooden container with a selection of cheeses that are ready to be eaten, in case of guests. They will be in a good ripe condition, from a market stall, a farm or a  cheese monger, who usually only sell local cheeses.” Not only does your range of cheese mark you out as a connoisseur or not, but the point during the meal that you serve them does too, as well as what they are served alongside. 

A French host will always serve some cheese with the evening meal. “We tend to eat cheese before the sweet, because having any after dessert is a bit more difficult to enjoy. The host will serve around four cheeses with some baguette, which is eaten with red wine - white wine would be a crime. There are no chutneys, no tomatoes, grapes or apple that goes with it like you have in England. It is a simple mouthful of bread and cheese, not even any butter.”

Now, if your host has gone to such lengths to serve the cheese course in the correct manner, it is only right to enjoy their offerings with the proper etiquette and there are a couple of crucial points to follow, including never, ever cutting the nose (the centre piece) off a triangle brie. 

Charriaux says that cutting the nose off the brie is very bad manners. “You should never cut a triangle by the tip, because then someone will only be left with the outer rind and nothing else. That will trigger terrible comments from people around you.

“The other main point to remember is that if there is blue cheese on the board, it has to be eaten last because of the power of the other cheese. If you eat the blue cheese first, it demonstrates that you have a weak palette. The most important thing to know is this though - cheese is something be enjoyed with good friends.” — Daily Mail Online, 2016

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Chinese Conversation Etiquette

Chinese brothers in the United States, circa 1890 – Confucianism's core values of etiquette and politeness are key components of the Chinese culture value system.

Extreme Politeness: Chinese etiquette requires that in conversation, each should compliment the other, and everybody belonging to him in the most laudatory style, and depreciate himself, with all pertaining to him, to the lowest possible point.  

The following is a fair sample of Chinese conversation; “What is your honorable name?” “My insignificant appellation is Wong.” “Where is your magnificent palace?” “My contemptible hut is at Suchan.” “How many are your illustrious children?” “My vile, worthless brats are five.” “How is the health of your distinguished spouse?” “My mean, good-for-nothing old woman is well.” — Harper’s Weekly , 1861

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and 20th C. Mom Shaming

“Mere conventions, mere formal ceremonies, do not indicate good manners. Good manners are the result of an unselfish desire to avoid annoying others and to give pleasure to one’s associates.” – Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1912 

You may be happy in the thought that you are progressive. You are interested in everything which can help the world along. You study political economy; you believe in equal rights: you are a good economical housekeeper; you are a cultured woman; and you take an active part in all movements which tend toward social betterment. But what part are you taking in the bringing up of your children? American children have the reputation abroad of appalling ill manners. It is almost universally merited. 

On board a large ocean liner (the passenger list composed of many nationalities) four children at a table in the dining room were noticeable for their bad breeding. They were handsome children, well dressed and carefully groomed. But they laughed loudly, stared at neighboring tables, made audible comments upon people, whispered and pointed and giggled, until some of the other passengers called the attention of the head steward to their annoying peculiarities, and they were requested to behave themselves in a seemly manner. 

Governesses and Tutors for Them, but Mother’s Training Was Lacking 

These children were from America, and the most offensive of the four was the twelve-year-old daughter of an American banker. They had been given governesses, tutors, schooling and travel benefits, but they had never received the refined training of a wise mother. Otherwise, they could not have shown such vulgar and offensive traits. Children are born mere hungry little animals. They have no way of knowing what is good taste, and what is kind, and what is graceful and agreeable, unless they are taught by their elders. 

All refined manners are things of growth, from the animal state to the higher human state. It has been a thing of slow evolution. Our remote ancestors all ate ravenously and used their hands to tear food into morsels. They smacked their lips, and made loud sounds and drank noisily. They flung their limbs about ungracefully and picked their teeth with thorns and slivers, and they did not hesitate to slap and bite and kick one another when angry, as animals do. 

Gradually an idea dawned upon these more highly developed creatures that there was such a thing as behavior, and that it was something for which to strive—something better than mere impulse. So through eons of time, good manners developed, and the more delicate and gracious the manners, the farther away the man is from the purely animal state. Mere conventions, mere formal ceremonies, do not indicate good manners. Good manners are the result of an unselfish desire to avoid annoying others and to give pleasure to one’s associates. 

Children should be taught these things from the time they are able to sit upon a mother’s knee. They should be taught that their hands are not to pull and tear the mother’s hair or gown or slap her face or otherwise be offensive. A little dog can be taught that he must not jump on people and put his paws on their laps; it requires a very short time to train the average puppy in this manner. So a small child can he taught to be gentle if the mother cares to give the time and effort. And as the child soon understands language it can be trained by tender, sweet counsels to show courtesy in all the little daily matters of life. It is the habit of most American children to dispute with their elders and flatly to contradict in argument. In European countries such a thing is almost unknown. 

It’s the Duty of Parents to Correct Faults in Contrary Children 

American children COMMAND their parents to fetch and carry objects for pleasure and rarely say thank you unless reminded. It is an easy matter to teach a small child to say “Pardon me, but I think you have made a mistake,” where the child is confident, to an elder or a companion who has made a mistake in relating some incident. Every child has a right to express its opinion.  That is the way childish minds expand. But when they say, “That’s no such thing.” “No, you didn’t, either,” and the parent allows the flat contradiction to pass as a proof of the child’s smartness, then a great American evil is being countenanced and abetted. 

American children are rarely taught to listen respectfully to their elders. They whistle, sing and interrupt, and walk away in the midst of conversation without making apology. Boys sit in the presence of older people who stand; they rush into and out of a room where there is conversation or music, with no apology, and usually unrebuked. Proper attitudes of body, proper position of growing young limbs, proper handling of table utensils, the retirement to the private room for use of toothpick or attention to the person in any way—these are a few of the many things which it is the mother’s duty to teach her children early and continually. 

Mother Can Easily Teach the Great Value of Good Manners 

Any woman, however poor and humble, can instruct her children to be gentle mannered, courteous, and refined in voice and deportment if she realizes the value of good manners in the world. Good manners, without education, will pass many a man and woman through the world and into good society; but education without good manners will only enlarge a human being’s opportunity to he offensive to his fellow men.– Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Deportment and Curtseys

Little girls learn to etiquette and drawing room deportment with curtseys in 1890 German artwork... “Complimenti! Complimenti!” - deportment (n.) 1st known use 1601, from Middle French déportement, from déporter “to behave,” from Old French “deporter”

Teachers of etiquette and drawing room deportment are putting their pupils through exercises which are designed to improve the carriage and grace of the debutante. They are teaching her how to open a door and pass out through it while keeping her face toward her hostess or the person in the room. Carelessness has made girls forget that this attention is due the person to whom “good-bye” has been said.

Usually the girls are in a hurry to get to some other place or they are occupied with the next appointment or perhaps they have never had their attention called to the fact that saying "good-bye" is not the final act of departure. Having had this done, girls are now beginning to see that the formal leave-taking is not terminated until the guest has withdrawn from the room, if she is calling or has been summoned before her parents or some older person in authority.

In informal meetings, these details of deportment are not generally observed, but they should be learned as a preparation for more formal occasions, because one never knows at what time they will be valuable assets.

Girls often make the same mistake of entering a room, especially if they shut the door behind them. In entering they face the center of the room or the end where the person visited is seated; then in order to close the door they turn squarely around, back to the room, and gently push the door to. After accomplishing this act successfully they consider themselves ready to go on with the formal entrance, which by this time has lost all its dignity and attractiveness.

For no person can suggest both of these qualities by presenting her back to a gathering. It is easy to close a door after you without moving the body around. The arms and hands do it while the face is turned toward the center of the room. 

Of course these details seem trivial to very young girls, who seldom take all the interest in their manners that they should, but by the time a girl has finished school and is ready to enter society she will be grateful to the parent or teacher who insisted on her learning the little arts which seemed so useless to her before. — San Francisco, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia