Edwardian Era Etiquette for Men

A generation has witnessed extraordinary concessions to comfort in summer clothes. Suits of linen and duck and seersucker date from before the war, but it is only since the 1880’s that unstarched shirts and low-cut shoes of tan or patent leather has come into general use.

Question of Clothes a Great Problem

Where Is the Deadline Between Men’s Comfort and Decorum?

The hot wave brings, up anew the question of midsummer negligee. To what extent may conventionality in clothes be disregarded for comfort. The refusal of the management of a fashionable hotel to serve a guest in his shirtsleeves was an incident of yesterday’s news. At the Congress of Whist Players a southerner of the old school remained true to traditions of respect for the presence of ladies and sweltered in broadcloth, while the other players sat coatless. Where is the deadline of decorum to be drawn? 

A generation has witnessed extraordinary concessions to comfort in summer clothes. Suits of linen and duck and seersucker date from before the war, but it is only since the eighties that unstarched shirts and low-cut shoes of tan or patent leather has come into general use. It is during that period that outing clothes and the “two-piece” suits of thin fabrics and washable materials have gained their great hold and the belt universally replaced the suspenders. “Athletic” underwear, so called, is of very recent adoption. The inroad of negligee on manners is a serious phase of the question. 

The shirtwaist man is endurable in his place, but that place is clearly not at a public dinner table or a formal public gathering, nor yet in an automobile. The question of shirtsleeves on the streets is a moot one. But does the slight gain in personal comfort compensate for the necessary loss of self-respect? The line of propriety in summer clothes is now so lax that it should not needlessly be overstepped. – New York Tribune, 1908

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Casual Attire

Style icons earn their status by using a bit of careful consideration and forethought when buying their clothes, (regardless of price) and by dressing appropriately for an occasion. Looking well groomed and stylish does not require a lot of money. In many cases, it merely requires common sense.

‘Casual Look’ Goes Too Far

“Her dresses always looked as though they had been designed in a rage and put on in a tempest... she tried to look picturesque but only succeeded in being untidy... like a bird of paradise that had been out all night in the rain.” Those words were written in 1890-91 by Oscar Wilde in "The Picture of Dorian Gray.” They could just as well be a commentary today on the way so many women are dressing. That “casual” look in clothes, in other words, has gone just too far it’s time for a return to some sanity, some semblance of elegance, clothes to make men’s eyes turn in admiration instead of astonishment. My suggestion is that we start spring by dressing up again. Why not begin with Easter Sunday?

Remember when it meant a special new bonnet, something to inspire an Irving Berlin song? Remember when you looked forward to the special new outfit to be worn on that day and when you’d not dream of going to church without hat and gloves? What changed it all? You could blame, or credit, everything from a general letdown in our requirements for etiquette, to rebellion against the “older generation” standards, to a new lifestyle that simply left no time for daily grooming requirements, such as washing white gloves and shining one’s shoes. You can say it all happened because we no longer had our fashion image makers constantly before us. White-gloved Princess Grace went off to royal duties and bringing up a family in Monaco. The Duchess of Windsor, a supreme example of elegance, went almost into seclusion after the death of the Duke, Britain’s former King.

Even Jacqueline Kennedy changed. When she was First Lady, Women’s Wear Daily gave her another title—“Her Elegance.” Then, women copied everything from the now Mrs. Aristotle Onassis pillbox hats, to her smart, lower-heeled shoes, and admired or envied her regal look when she entertained heads of state. Now, more often than not, we catch pictures of Mrs. Onassis windblown, wearing the eternal dark glasses, in pants and “poor boy” pullover tops. (Or, in the case of one Italian magazine’s claim, in the altogether). Somewhere we traded in neatness for carelessness and I think acceptance of pants everywhere —office, shopping, even the most elegant restaurants —helped pull down the barriers. 

I’m not anti-pantsuits so much as pro-skirts. Trousers have a definite place on the modern scene and I confess that I'm wearing them even as I write this at the office. But often, there is some feminine rebellion that says, “Put on a dress today,” and immediately I feel more like a woman. I take no strong stand one way or another on hats. They go handsomely with some faces, terribly with others. Apparently, the young are helping to bring them back, for the millinery industry reports a thriving business this spring. One of my earliest childhood memories, however, is of my mother in a new hat —an Easter one of pale gray straw, its wide “picture” brim covered with big flowers in assorted pinks, the whole thing a frame for her blonde Gibson Girl hair style. – By Gay Pauley, UPI Women’s Editor, New York, 1973

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Seasonal Standards

The Prime Minister of Great Britain, who had been unilaterally escalating formality by wearing hats all summer, shows up dressed in silk with pearls and high heels. She is quoted as having refused to participate in “a lowering of standards.”– Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners 

When temperatures go up, fashion decorum goes out the window...

Now that “White Shoe Season” is closing (after today, offenders should expect no mercy), let us review the fashion lessons of this past summer. This year's two big fashion stories are, in Miss Manners’ authoritative opinion: 

A. The Prime Minister of Canada suggests that heads of government attending the 14th economic summit conference in Toronto dress casually.

The Prime Minister of Great Britain, who had been unilaterally escalating formality by wearing hats all summer, shows up dressed in silk with pearls and high heels. She is quoted as having refused to participate in “a lowering of standards.” 

The Prime Minister of Canada wears a suit. 

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B. A Washington messenger is barred from entering the Department of Justice while wearing a T-shirt referring to the then-Chief Executive of that establishment as a pig. He responds by:

1. Unsuccessfully arguing the right of free speech. 

2. Unsuccessfully offering to remove the T-shirt in return for access to the building, presumably shirtless. 

3. Successfully arranging to have an acceptably dressed replacement sent from the messenger service in time to deliver the goods as promised.

4. Delivering his problem to the American Civil Liberties Union, which successfully argues his right of free speech. The Department of Justice, charged with demonstrating that it “obviously doesn't understand what the First Amendment is all about,” reverses its ruling after talk of the ACLU's filing a lawsuit. 

Now, what do these two stories teach us? Quite a bit about politics, notably that it makes an awful lot of difference who is doing the talking. Also that anyone hoping to maintain a higher standard than the society generally recognizes has to be prepared to lend practical assistance. If the Department of Justice, like certain restaurants and clubs, kept articles of “proper attire” on hand to lend those whom it deemed improperly dressed, solution 2. might have worked, and there might not have been a need to escalate to 4. The etiquette angle of all this is, naturally, more subtle. 

High symbolism, and some of the low kind as well, is involved. Social symbolism is not something in which modern people are skilled, and summer heat seems to rob them of any dexterity they might have. Each year, a number of otherwise relatively civilized gentlemen can be counted upon to raise a battle cry against the tyranny of the necktie. The more adventurous even suggest a fullscale clothing revolution, so that each man can express his true self. Miss Manners hopes sensible people can see the fallacy here. Clothing does express individual taste, but only within the context of the community. One's identity involves not only the contents of the particular heart or mind, but the age, gender, era, nationality and particular activity in which one happens to be engaged. To choose clothing that violates those requirements is to broadcast that one is in conflict with them. 

When the British Prime Minister refused to don clothes appropriate to relaxation, she was refusing to pretend that the economic summit was an informal gathering of friends, rather than serious international business. Miss Manner is less ready to cheer on the messenger. Since T-shirts proclaim the wearer’s presumed sentiment, it seems reasonable to hold the wearer as accountable for them as if he were uttering the statements publicly aloud. In most situations, that would merely mean that the bearer should be prepared for counter-attacks by people expressing the right of free speech. The confinement of a necktie is nowhere near as risky in summertime as is offering one’s innermost views to the chance reactions of strangers. – Miss Manners, September 4, 1988

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for Carriages

A gentleman should not drive fast if the lady accompanying him is timid, or objects to it. He should consult her wishes in all things, and take no risks, as he is responsible for her safety. 

Ladies in Carriages

The rule in all cases is this: you quit the carriage first and hand the lady out. 

You may properly speed your horse in driving with a lady, but remember that it is vulgar to drive too fast; it suggests the idea of your having hired the “trap” from a livery stable, and is in every respect ungentlemanly.

The carriage or buggy should be driven close to the sidewalk, and the horses turned from the sidewalk, so as to spread the wheels away from the step. The gentleman should then alight, quiet the horses, and hold the reins in his right hand as a guard against accidents. 

The lady should, in leaving the carriage, place her hands on the gentleman's shoulders, while he should place his under her elbows. Then, with his assistance, she should spring lightly to the pavement, passing him on his left side to avoid the reins which he holds in his right. 

In driving, the gentleman must place a lady on his left. This leaves his right arm free to manage his horses.

A gentleman should not drive fast if the lady accompanying him is timid, or objects to it. He should consult her wishes in all things, and take no risks, as he is responsible for her safety. 

Above all, he should never race with another team. Such conduct is disrespectful to the lady who accompanies him. – Maud Cooke, 1896

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

1920’s “Elevator Etiquette Editor”

Discussion of the question was suggested by a woman who signed herself  “Fighting Feminist.” She endorsed what the editorial writer had to say and declared that men, in the business world, were losing the proper amount of respect for women.” – Above, Fighting Feminist, Rose Mc Gowan, styled as 1920’s era actress, Clara Bow.

Hats on in L.A. Elevators Wins 136 to 19

Votes for Hats On 136  
Votes for Hats Off 19  
Votes for Compromise 46 

There is the final tally in the discussion of whether men should remove their hats when women enter an elevator. Two hundred and one letters were received by the “Elevator Etiquette Editor” with the following interesting results: The advocates of the rule that the hats should not come off number 136, approximately 7 times as many as those in favor of the hats oft rule. 

46 for Compromise 

Forty-six favored a compromise, that the hats should come off in hotel and apartment house elevators and remain on in elevators in all other buildings. Only 19 were for the straight out-and-out proposition of the removal of hats on all elevator. More letters were received from men than from women. One hundred and twenty-two men wrote, while only 59 letters were received from women. Twenty-seven signed anonymously without sex distinction. Of the 122 letters by the men only eight expressed the opinion that hats should be removed under all conditions. Eleven women were for the hats off rule. The majority for a compromise were sent in by the women. 

Public Conveyance 

Almost all of those who advocated that the hats should stay on declared that an elevator is a public conveyance, the same as a street car. With the elevator classified as a public conveyance, they asserted, there is no logical reason for the doffing of the headpieces. Those who were for a compromise held that there is a vast difference between a business elevator and an elevator in a hotel or apartment house. They claimed that when one enters a hotel or apartment house elevator, he should conduct himself exactly as if he were in a private home, thus making the removal of hats imperative. Discussion of the question of elevator etiquette was suggested by a woman who signed herself  “Fighting Feminist,” after she had read an editorial urging the men to remove their hats. She endorsed what the editorial writer had to say and declared that men, in the business world, were losing the proper amount of respect for women. 

Don’t Care 

The business women who wrote to the “Elevator Etiquette Editor” took a somewhat unexpected view of the question. Most all of them either stated plainly or intimated strongly that they “didn’t care a whoop” whether the men took off their hats to them in the elevator or not. “Let them do as they please—they will anyway,” was the way one girl put it. Several of the women and a number of the men declared that it was impolite for a man to remove his hat to a woman in an elevator. They argued that a man should never salute a woman whom he does not know. While the result of the discussion conducted by the “Elevator Etiquette Editor” does not set an arbitrary rule it may, at least, be considered as an expression of public opinion. – Los Angeles Herald, 1920

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Washington Ladies’ Code of Etiquette

This photo of Mrs. Grover Cleveland along with the wives of her husband’s Cabinet Secretaries, was taken in 10 years after this article was published, in 1897. –  The ladies' visiting code admits of great latitude, and rules must be observed to avoid complications... Many compromising episodes result through lack of “time” and method. Not long ago a new member of official society, with ambition to call where the largest number of carriages were seen, found herself at a funeral! 

The ladies' code of etiquette in Washington D.C. is complicated, and it is important to be understood. Ladies of the Diplomatic Corps receive first visits from official society, and duly return the same in good form. There is a friction between Senate ladies and Cabinet ladies regarding first calls, but the common law of custom exists, and should be gracefully accepted. There was more excuse for sensitiveness during the present administration than has existed before. The Cabinet ladies were entirely new members of Washington society, excepting the honored and beloved wife of the Secretary of State, who was called to a higher court before social etiquette of the new administration was established, and naturally they felt the newness of their position, and, from a home point of view, regarded it etiquette for the older members of society to make the first call upon the new, hence a conflict, without an authorized umpire to decide a vexed question.

The ladies' visiting code admits of great latitude, and rules must be observed to avoid complications. The old rule of fixed days in every part of the city was best. Why any innovation from the old rule is regarded with favor, I am unable to say; but if carriage hire has produced this result, let it be canceled by “Jeffersonian simplicity,” and ladies take time to enter and leave the house with formality due a hostess, and not pay visits as if life depended on the action. Many compromising episodes result through lack of “time” and method. Not long ago a new member of official society with ambition to call where the largest number of carriages were seen, found herself at a funeral. – Brooklyn Magazine, 1887

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Etiquette of Cards and Calls

There are so many details connected, with the leaving of cards and so many occasions on which to leave them that at first it seems bewildering. It does not take long, however, to adapt one’s self to the custom, and every one who pretends to know anything about “Society” with a capital “S” must know all about how, when and where to leave cards. 

There is one point of etiquette on which there is always debate and uncertainty in a girl's mind —the etiquette of visiting cards. When a girl comes out, her mother is only too glad to shift this part of the social duty on her daughter's shoulders and she must know just how many cards to leave in varying circumstances. There are so many details connected, with the leaving of cards and so many occasions on which to leave them that at first it seems bewildering. It does not take long, however, to adapt one’s self to the custom, and every one who pretends to know anything about “Society” with a capital “S” must know all about how, when and where to leave cards. 

The card itself varies in size according to the fashion. Just at present, cards are as small as they conveniently can be both for married and unmarried women, though a man's card never varies, being always the regulation size, about 3-1/2 inches long and 2 inches deep. The name is, of course, in the center and the address in the lower right-hand corner. The “at home” day (if the girl's mother has one) is printed in the lower left-hand corner, and should read, “Thursdays in January” or “Thursdays, January 4th and 11th.” The most common use for the cards is, of course, for calling, and calls must be made with care and regularity. If a girl expects to keep her position in the world of fashion. It is not etiquette to call except upon “at home” days, unless, of course, the party has no “at home” day, then it is permissible to call any day.

If the girl is calling on a married woman, she leaves one of her own cards and one of her mother's, with two of her father's, as the man must always call on the man of the house. If the lady has daughters in society, a card should be left for each daughter from all three, the girl's mother, father and the girl. If there are other men in the family, the girl should leave one of her father's cards for each one of them. A woman naturally never leaves a card on a man. This seems like a great waste of cardboard, but as it is etiquette it must be accepted. When a girl is paying a party call for a luncheon on people that she knows slightly, must, of course, leave a card for the girl's mother, even if she has never met her. When a girl goes to any kind of reception, she must leave cards. 

There is usually a tray left in the hall or the purpose. If a girl and her mother are prevented from attending a reception, they must send cards, and just the same quantity as if they had called personally. Never send cards to “days” until the last day. A girl should always leave cards on people in mourning, and as soon after their bereavement as possible. Never ask to see anyone; just leave the card. lt is also polite to leave cards when one knows of illness in a house. In this case, it is polite to inquire for the sufferer. If a friend moves into the neighborhood, a girl should leave cards on her within the week, or if the girl's family move and the neighbors call on them, the girl should see that the courtesy is promptly returned. All these little things mean so much and require the most infinite care, if a girl is going out at all. – San Francisco Call, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Old Washington Etiquette

Julia Dent Grant was “Mrs. President” in 1873, when this article first appeared in the newspaper. – All officials and non-officials call on the President. He is not required to return calls or accept invitations, but may waive this exemption at discretion. All are admitted to his formal receptions without cards or invitation, as well as to Mrs. President's receptions on stated days, of which notice is usually given in the city papers. – In 1873, the First Lady of Washington D.C. society was not the wife of the President, but the wife of the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, as the President’s is a temporary position and the Supreme Court Justice’s jobs are for life. Four years later, in 1877, writers of etiquette books, and those in Washington society, were horrified  when journalist Mary C. Ames referred to the newly inaugurated President’s wife, Lucy Webb Hayes, as “the First Lady of the Land.”

A writer, in view of the approaching season at the capital, gives a resume of certain points of etiquette, which he asserts will be found to accord with old time usages at Washington: “All officials and non-officials call on the President. He is not required to return calls or accept invitations, but may waive this exemption at discretion. All are admitted to his formal receptions without cards or invitation, as well as to Mrs. President's receptions on stated days, of which notice is usually given in the city papers. State dinners are attended by those only who are formally invited—which invitation cannot be declined on account of any prior engagement. 

“Senators who observe the old usages make no ‘first calls,’ on account of recognized superior rank, except on the President of the United States. Through courtesy to their own presiding officer, they make the ‘first call’ on the Vice President, but not by the virtue of any supposed higher official position. But Senators are expected to return calls like other mortals, and among themselves to observe the usual rules regulating the intercourse of private gentlemen. Those first at the capital make the advance, welcoming after arrivals.

“Heads of departments and foreign ministers make ‘first-calls’ on the President, Vice-President and Senators. Members of the House make ‘first calls’ on the foregoing officials, and Judges of the Supreme Court of the United States. None of the classes above mentioned are expected to make ‘first-calls’ on citizens, sojourners, and visitors, but are expected to return such calls in person, or ‘by card’ when personal calls are impracticable. These usages have not been established without much friction, discussion, and even rebellion on the part of certain ambitious ones. Of course, officials may voluntarily waive their privilege; and men of brains, culture, and acknowledged power are never tenacious about their observance, and act at Washington very much as they do at home among their old neighbors, calling socially whenever they find agreeable society.” – Marin Journal, 1873

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Develop Etiquette with All 5 Senses

Airing first in 1970, and through most of the decade, T.V.’s “Queen Mary”, Mary Tyler Moore was the epitome of style and charm. The show’s characters, “Mary Richards” and “Rhoda Morgenstern,” were fashion forward, hard-working, always well-groomed and most always polite. They were single women, living on their own. They became positive, feminist role models for young career women everywhere. – “When Queen Mary was asked to name the most important subject in the education of a potential Monarch, she answered in one word “Manners!” Many a successful executive, homemaker and career girl would give the same answer if asked about his or her assets, but how do people develop the knack of saying and doing the right things?” 

Etiquette for Everyone       

New York (NAPS) – When Queen Mary was asked to name the most important subject in the education of a potential Monarch, she answered in one word “Manners!” Many a successful executive, homemaker and career girl would give the same answer if asked about his or her assets, but how do people develop  the knack of saying and doing the right things? 

Long a guide for etiquette, the noted author, Emily Post, said good manners come from the heart, and you’ll also recall, the Bible says of man, “As he thinketh in his heart, so he is.” Now it doesn’t necessarily mean you must undergo surgery for a heart transplant, in order to have a change of heart that makes you do and say what is right. But if you do care about people at work, or in a social situation, or even at home where all too often, unfortunately, the best foot forward is not put!... , you can learn the courteous thing to do and be kind. You can begin with five basic concerns: The senses!

In brief, if you are thoughtful about people’s five senses you will become more sensitive and perhaps in time a veritable sensation! Here are five sensible rules to remember; 

• Eyes– Be easy on the eyes and dress (including cosmetics) in a “manner” that shows you care for another person’s viewpoint, literally. 

• Ears– Is your voice shrill? Rough? Loud? Too soft? Speaking with a nicely modulated, melodious voice falls softly on the ears. Practice listening to yourself. 

• Nose– Personal hygiene, as important for men as for women, makes you kind to another’s nose. You’ll be snifty if in addition to daily showers you are also thoughtful enough to use something such as Man-Power aerosol. 

•  Taste– You’ll taste better when kissed if, in addition to regular dental appointments, you also keep on hand a refreshing mouthwash to use at home and at work. 

• Touch– A well-scrubbed skin made smooth and kept soft and moist with creams will keep you off the offensive fence, more fun off than on. 

Once you have carried through on being kind to the five senses, you’ll find it fun to use all your own five to contemplate the different customs in various parts of the world. In Japan, for instance, etiquette demands you remove “walking” shoes on entering a temple. Slippers are worn inside and floors are kept spotless. In yet other parts of the world, it’s considered ill-mannered to use the same handkerchief twice! 

In Europe, Amy Vanderbilt points out, it is quite proper to use a toothpick at dinner, with the table napkin held as a screen, but in America, one is supposed to remove themselves from the table, to dislodge the food. The American and Continental use of the knife and fork also vary. The American uses a knife only to cut with. In Europe, the knife can be used to pile food on the back of the fork and food is then transferred to the mouth with the left hand still holding the fork. Americans generally place their napkin in the lap, whereas in different regions of the world it’s proper to tuck the napkin in the collar. Americans are very quick to use first names, although Eastern and Southern communities are more conservative in this matter, but Europeans and especially Asians prefer introducing a relationship in a formal manner, with proper title and last name. 

Etiquette, it’s true, involves not only the heart and the senses, but also protocol which must be learned with the head. But don’t be discouraged! If your heart is in the right place, and you’re sensitive, you can get the facts for your head out of books. This is true even if you don’t have to think, as Queen Mary did, about the most important subject in the education of a King or Queen. –Coronado Eagle and Journal, 1970

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette, Social Graces and Locality

The sloppy woman, hunched over with her elbows on the table is obviously unaware how bad she looks. The woman on the right will need tact to break herself from the acquaintance.  – “It has sometimes happened that undesirable residents have invaded good neighborhoods—it requires time to make discoveries of that nature —and kind-hearted women are frequently led into an embarrassing intimacy. It must be broken, of course, but the woman passes through the experience successfully must be a woman of tact.”

More of “Betty Bradeen’s Daily Chat”

Etiquette is largely a matter of locality—politeness is an important department of everyday life. Among “fashionables” etiquette is a finicky list ot details for which girls are trained, and to which new members of the fashionable set come straight from the polishing hands of persons who are versed in the ways of that particular set. In middle-class localities there is a varying degree of etiquette, and in lower circles formality is entirely dispensed with. 

Kindness prompts one to call upon new arrivals in a neighborhood and if the call is not returned, or objections are found to prolonging the acquaintance, the matter may be allowed to settle down to a pleasant exchange of greetings at accidental meetings. The cut direct is a form of rudeness that is never excused, save on the ground of personal grievance. It costs nothing to be agreeable, and saves much in the way of unpleasant, feeling. 

It has sometimes happened that undesirable residents have invaded good neighborhoods—it requires time to make discoveries of that nature —and kind-hearted women are frequently led into an embarrassing intimacy. It must be broken, of course, but the woman passes through the experience successfully must be a woman of tact. I have seen it done by absence from home or a period of exaggerated invalidism—I have also seen it done without a thought of injured feelings and the hatred they are capable of engendering. Kindness prompts assistance to neighbors and friends in time of trouble. A timely answer to letters, prompt acceptance of invitations and immediate notification of inability to accent or keep an engagement. The hostess who is kept on the anxious seat without good reason is badly treated, and would be justified in meting out proper punishment. 

There is one point where general carelessness is shown – few of us even try to be prompt in meeting appointments. In the lobby of any playhouse, one may always find men and women anxiously awaiting the arrival of tardy companions, and my own experience holds numerous occasions where the opening number of concerts was entirely lost and the first act of plays so nearly, so that the thread of the plot was hard to pick up. There may be an occasional good reason for tardiness, but the bulk of it is caused by sheer carelessness or indifference. Men are the real victims, because women who are lax expect to find the same fault in members of their own sex – but men are martyrs from choice, as a systematic course of neglect would reform the whole world of women. – Sacramento Union, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Introduction Etiquette for Teens

Certainly no young woman wants to stay seated when she is introduced to a group of people that are all standing.

 Rules for Teenagers

There is a time when all teenagers should stand on their own two feet. That is when it comes to introductions. There are a few rules that always remain the same, others that change according to circumstances, says the Woman’s Home Companion. For instance, a young person always rises when he, or she is introduced to an older woman or a clergyman, when one speaks or when one enters a room a young person is in. And certainly no young woman wants to stay seated when she is introduced to a group of people that are all standing.

This is just an extra thought—you’ll have lots more fun at parties if you keep circulating instead of settling down in a corner. – Madera Tribune, 1949

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Advice for Entertaining

The living room of a boarding house should always be at the disposal of the people in the house, and it should be attractive, so girls should feel no qualms in asking their friends to call.

A Perplexing Query

It is right for a girl twenty-six years of age, keeping house alone in one room, to receive visits from gentlemen? If not, is it right if she has a private sitting room? Is the sitting room of a boarding house always at the disposal of the boarders? If there is not a sitting room, what is a girl to do with gentlemen visitors? — Jane S. 

The living room of a boarding house should always be at the disposal of the people in the house, and it should be attractive, so girls should feel no qualms in asking their friends to call. You would be open to adverse criticism if you entertained In a room alone; If you have a sitting room arrange for a chaperon, then your self-respect will be maintained and your men friends will think all the more of you. 

Entertainment for Young People 

Would like to entertain a crowd of about twenty girls and boys (ages from eighteen to twenty) at an evening party, but am perplexed as to the entertainment. All of our parties seem so very much alike. Can you help me?— Jim

One of the liveliest parties I ever saw was conducted in this fashion: Each of the boys was asked to come wearing something to represent a famous man and each of the girls to dress as a famous woman. Programs and pencils were provided to write down ‘who was who’ and prizes were awarded. There was “Paul Revere” with his lantern, “Washington” and his cherry tree, “Betsy Ross” and her flag, “Francis Willard,” wearing a little white ribbon, etc... Try It. – Madame Merrk, Sausalito News, 1913

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette, Cards and “At Home”

Acknowledging Wedding Cards

Will you kindly tell me how to acknowledge a wedding announcement? —Grace 

Unless the wedding announcement includes the “at home” address of the happy pair, no notice need be taken. If it does, make a call upon the day mentioned, or, if that is impossible, send your card to arrive upon that date. If the announcement is from a very dear friend, a personal note of love and good wishes would not be amiss. 

Two Questions

Will you please tell me where I can get a good book on etiquette? Would it be correct to have the day of the week best suited for me to receive callers put on my calling cards? —Mrs. A. L. 

For your first question I must ask you to send me a self-addressed stamped envelope. It will be perfectly correct for you to have an “at home” day engraved upon your visiting card. But be sure you adhere strictly to the day given and remain at home all prepared for visitors. – Madame Merrk, Sausalito News, 1913

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Tea Etiquette and the Pinky Debate

Not only did Disney have it wrong on the pinky finger sticking out, but Alice having her elbows on the table, is certainly considered rude.

“Disney has it wrong I’m afraid; the extended pinky is a big no-no. The correct way to hold the teacup is to lightly grip the handle between your thumb and fingers but not clutch your fingers around the handle. Sticking your little finger out into the air whilst drinking tea in England will likely get you some strange looks and weak smiles but they won’t get you invited to the palace for afternoon tea, so please keep them tucked in nice and tight. Some people say that the “pinkies out” affectation dates back to the eleventh century when it was considered cultured to eat with three fingers and common to eat with five. Another explanation is that the earlier styled tea cups had no handles and therefore the little finger was extended to provide balance.” – Rachel North

Old Chinese tea cups In Great Britain. 

Many disagree on the whole pinky finger debate, but most anthropologists believe the lower classes watched the upper classes on how to hold their cups, and believe that heat had nothing to do with how people held their handless cups of tea. “After all, the tea and cups came from China and the Chinese held their handleless cups in a manner without fingers extended.” – Maura Graber 

And prior to small salt spoons being used, other ways of salting one's food or adding spices were devised. "Pinky fingers were extended while eating, and kept away from the greasy foods so that they could be used for dipping into expensive spices." –Bernadette Petrotta, The Art of Social Graces

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Place Card Etiquette and More

Use of Place Cards

I have never used place cards, and I think them a great convenience. Do you write the names of the guests and put them at the place you wish them to sit and are they supposed to carry them home with them as souvenirs? — “Ignorant” 

The place cards bear the names of the guests and are put at the places they are to occupy. They are usually laid on the napkins and are retained by the guests to be taken home If they wish. Where there are many to be seated or few these cards certainly make it easier for everyone.

The Matter of Calling Cards

I am at present visiting here in the city, but live in a small town. Quite a few people have called on me. In returning their calls do I leave my card, providing I find them at home?—A. L. 

When returning a first call it is quite the proper thing to leave your card as a matter of record, as well as to show you know the proper thing to, do. In the case of very intimate friends whom one calls upon frequently, it is not necessary to leave a card if the person is at home. –Madame Merrk, Sausalito News, 1913

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Early 20th C. Etiquette Advice

Refreshments for Bridge Tea

I am going to have a friend to visit me for a week and wish to give a Bridge Tea in her honor. What refreshments can I serve besides sandwiches, tea and candy? Would an Ice be proper? I want to do the correct thing and will depsnd so much on your answer. —M. A.

I presume you wish to serve refreshments after the game. A fruit salad, served in grape-fruit shells, with cheese, crackers, a bit of bar-be-que in center of each; with it serve coffee. I would pass an ice or frappe during the middle of the afternoon, when one is apt to be thirsty. You could serve individual russe and hot chocolate or oyster cocktails and sardine sandwiches, with coffee.

“G.’s” Questions

When one is dining out and the host serves more than you really care for, is it a breach of etiquette to leave the plate quite well filled? I am nineteen years old and the eldest girl in the family. How should my visiting cards be engraved?—G. 

One is never compelled to eat more than is desired. It might be well to caution your host by saying, “That is quite sufficient, thank you.” Your card should be engraved simply, “Miss Brown.” To your other questions I must say I fear the reply is too late to be of benefit. I only have just so much space and only a limited number of letters can be answered each week.–Madame Merrk, Sausalito News, 1913

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Profiles in Etiquette —“Dear Beatrice”

The “Dear Beatrice Fairfax” advice column began in 1898 and is said to be the first advice column in the U.S. (though the popular 1890, “Ruth Ashmore” advice column by Isabel Mallon, was actually the first). Written by Marie Manning, it was an immediate success. At one point the column received so many letters, the U.S. Post Office refused to deliver them. The New York Evening Journal, publisher of the column, had to retrieve the letters itself. Manning's common sense advice was popular and imitated nationwide. Sadly, Manning's efforts went largely unrewarded. Manning’s pay and status remained low at the Journal, so she eventually resigned, only returning after financial hardship during the Great Depression. Manning went back to work for the Journal, again writing her Beatrice Fairfax column (which had been syndicated for years) and wrote the column until she passed away in 1945. During her lifetime of giving advice, she wrote four novels and “Beatrice Fairfax” was immortalized in several popular songs of the era. One is in the opening line of George and Ira Gershwin's song “But Not For Me,” from the 1930 musical “Girl Crazy.”

Manners are the gracious way of doing things. No better rule for “good form” and “etiquette” can ever be evolved than this simple little statment. Kind-hearted people have the first asset toward good manners, if they govern their kindly impulses by good taste and common sense they are sure to act in a manner that far exceeds “the proper thing" in human value.

Take the simple question of whether a girl shall ask a man to call on her, or no. The little courtesy of suggesting to an interested acquaintance that you will be glad to see him in your own home can not be improper. It offers dignified hospitality and suggests friendly good will, so it is kind. It is surely in better taste to meet your friends in your home than at dances or public entertainments of any sort. And common sense ought to indicate to any girl whether a man is sufficiently interested in her to want the opportunity of seeing her again, or no.

For test of any question where you doubt the certainty as to what is the proper thing to do, just apply kindness, common sense and good taste. And you will be as well off as if you had studied manners in a finishing school or a book of etiquette. – Marie Manning, aka “Beatrice Fairfax,” 1916

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Royal Fads

Barely 125 years after the United States discarded the yoke of the British monarchy, and barely a hundred years after President Thomas Jefferson experimented with his crazy “Pell-Mell” etiquette, a “sham aristocracy” had developed in Washington D.C. and everyone wanted to be treated like royalty. – “Precedence is killing Washington as a place of residence. It is destroying its chief charm. If one thinks of going there to live it is because he expects to have the opportunity to meet in the easy circumstances of social intercourse people who are interesting or amusing or curious.”

Social Precedence Fads and

a Growth of Monarchical Customs at the Nation's Capital

Other parts of the country may be amused by the wrangling and heartburnings incident to the Coronation of King Edward, but Washington follows them with serious and sympathetic interest. Only a few Americans have any idea of the rigid system of etiquette which has grown up at the national capital. The other day, a high officer of the government said: “My daughter went to lunch with the daughter of Secretary yesterday. She did not come home until long after she was expected, and her mother asked her what was the matter. ‘Oh,’ she said, ‘Secretary’s daughter, was there, and none of us could go until she left, and we thought she never would go.’ And I find that precedent is carried out in the strictest possible way all through Washington society in all of its sets, down to the very children.” 

If there are any persons in official life in Washington who do not attach importance to precedence, do not resent being seated out of rank at table or in other ways given less than their exact official amount of deference, these persons keep extremely quiet. In Washington, one ceases to be surprised at hearing of persons of national reputations complaining fiercely because they have been subjected to some trivial slight in this matter of precedence. It irritates a cabinet officer to be put a shade out of his rank just as much as it irritates a congressman from nowhere or a government clerk. 

Precedence is killing Washington as a place of residence. It is destroying its chief charm. If one thinks of going there to live it is because he expects to have the opportunity to meet in the easy circumstances of social intercourse people who are interesting or amusing or curious. That social intercourse is becoming practically impossible. No one giving any sort of entertainment, however informal, dares to arrange his or her guests according to congeniality. The same people must always be put next to each other. The same man must take the same woman into dinner. The same youth must dance with the same girl. And as official life expands the blight of precedence spreads. 

It is difficult for an outsider to listen without laughing or showing irritation, as the Washingtonians discuss precedence and relate incidents of national and international catastrophes almost brought about by violations of it. But as some of the persons who most strenuously insist upon it, are otherwise high above the human average. It would be well, before utterly condemning the Washingtonians, to reflect whether the craze for precedence not a universal human weakness, latent —happily latent —in most of us because it has no chance to show itself. However, if Washington is to be saved as a residence city, some scheme must be devised whereunder precedence, and its complications and its depressing influences, shall be confined to formal international functions for the Diplomatists, who are primarily responsible for the present state of affairs.— New York Times, 1902

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette

Royal Spanish Etiquette Traditions

From the birth of a Spanish King until his death, the Spanish Monarch is never free from the bonds of an etiquette which has survived from time immemorial, and, up to date as he is, young Alfonso XIII cannot wholly shake himself free.

The Court of Spain

In almost every court in Europe the strictness of old-fashioned etiquette has of late, been greatly relaxed. The Hapsburgs, however, cling to their ancient customs, and at the Courts of Austria and Spain much of the quaint old ceremonial survives. From the birth of a Spanish King until his death, the Spanish Monarch is never free from the bonds of an etiquette which has survived from time immemorial, and, up to date as he is, young Alfonso XIII cannot wholly shake himself free. 

When a baby Prince is born at the Court of Spain, the Prime Minister must be present, or is hastily sent for; also the Presidents of the Congress and the Senate; the Commander of the Royal Halberdiers, to whom is entrusted the guarding of the Royal family within the Palace. The chief doctor then dresses the baby, and, placing the poor little atom upon an enormous silver salver, bears him in state to the father, who is waiting in the ante-chamber. “Sir, it is an infante (Prince),” he says gravely. The father, with equal gravity, takes the salver, raises it, and shows it to all present, then kisses the baby, and the odd little ceremony is over.

“DON'T TOUCH THE KING!”

No one beneath the rank of a Noble may personally attend the King of Spain, nor by any means, touch his sacred person. About twelve years ago, little Alfonso, running carelessly downstairs, stumbled, and took a regular dive towards the bottom. A footman, with great presence of mind, opened wide his arms and caught the child unhurt. He had saved the little Prince's bones, but had broken the rules of Court etiquette. Therefore, he lost his place. But it is satisfactory to learn that the Queen-Mother saw that the poor fellow did not suffer. She thanked him, and pensioned him handsomely.

All his life through the King is guarded by a special body of picked men. Tradition requires that these shall be drawn from the town of Espinosa. All night, they patrol the corridor outside his room, and at certain intervals the officer in charge glances through a secret panel to see that his youthful Majesty is well and safe. The men wear full armor, and— curious contrast! —felt slippers.

By right of birth, the King of Spain is a canon of Leon Cathedral, and, by a curious old unwritten law originating no one knows how, each member of the chapter must, on his first visit to the cathedral, jump over a small gate in one of the cloisters. As may be imagined, this was one of the few points of custom which thoroughly appealed to young Alfonso. He carried out the very letter of the law by a really splendid jump, for slight and delicate as he looks, the King is very athletic.

GOOD FOR THE SERVANTS

In old days nothing that had appeared on the Royal table was ever seen a second time. From the wax candles to the unopened bottles of wine, all was the perquisite of the underlings. The Queen-Mother has changed all this, and waste is at an end. To such an extreme has economy been carried that during his minority, the young King's allowance was but five pounds a month. A Spanish Coronation is a more simple ceremony than might be imagined. An odd point about it is that just behind the head of the procession, are led twelve riderless horses in full Royal trappings. There is no crown used in Spanish Coronations. The ceremonial attending the funeral of a Spanish King is the strangest of its kind, in existence. 

The Royal tomb is situated in the Escurial— that strange old place which lies some distance, away from Madrid, and fully 8000 feet above sea level. The procession movea on foot out of Madrid, and rests one night upon the way. In the morning, the Lord Chamberlain stands by the coffin and cries, “Is your Majesty pleased to proceed upon your journey?” A short silence, and then they move on. When the casket is at last placed in the vault, its final destination, the same official unlocks it, kneels down, and calls loudly: “Señor! Señor! Señor! ” Again a solemn pause. “His Majesty does not reply,” says the Chamberlain. “Then it is true. The King is dead!” He locks the coffin, breaks his staff of office in pieces, and all is over. – Los Angeles Herald, 1906 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia