Etiquette and Deference to Others

At the same time as it's become fashionable never to look up to anyone, it has become nastily acceptable to look down. Respect and consideration are traditionally due to other people for all sorts of reasons, some big, some small. Lynn Truss compiled a list of those due.

It is very bad news for our society that overt disrespect is such a big game these days, because it just stirs people up without enlightening them. Mass entertainment that demeans public figures satisfies popular base instincts but leaves nobody better off. Besides, at the same time as it's become fashionable never to look up to anyone, it has become nastily acceptable to look down.

The “end of deference” is about a lot more than the flattening of class distinctions, in any case. This where the baby has been so thoughtlessly poured down the drain with the bath water. Respect and consideration are traditionally due to other people for all sorts of reasons, some big, some small.

Here are twenty (mostly lapsed) reasons to show special politeness to other people that have nothing to do with class.

1. they are older

2. they know more than you do

3. they know less than you do

4. they got here first

5. they have educational qualifications in the subject under discussion

6. you are in their house

7. they once helped you financially

8. they have been good to you all your life

9. they are less fortunate than you

10. they have achieved status in the wider world

11. you are serving them in a shop

12. they are in the right

13. they are your boss

14. they work for you

15. they are a policeman / teacher / doctor / judge

16. they are in need

17. they are doing you a favour

18. they paid for the tickets

19. you phoned them, not the other way round

20. they have a menial job

The utter bloody rudeness of the world today is about a lot of things, as we have already seen, but I think what most dismays many honourable people is the way “deference” has become a dirty little demeaning word, while its close relative "respect" has become a cool street-crime buzz-word mainly associated with paying feudal obeisance to those in possession of firearms. Both words have lost their true meaning. Deference is not about lying down and letting someone put their foot on your head. It is not about kow-tow. It is about assessing what is due to other people on all sorts of grounds. 

The dictionary definition of “in deference to” is: “out of respect for; in consideration of”. To show deference does not mean “I hereby declare I am inferior to you.” But that's what people seem to think it means, so they refuse to defer to anybody, on any grounds at all. The same misunderstanding prevents people from apologising. They think that if they say “Sorry”, it means “I am 100 per cent to blame. And now that I've admitted it, you can sue the pants off me.”

From Lynn Truss’ “Talk to the Hand: # ?*!, The Utter Bloody Rudeness of the World Today, or Six Good Reasons to Stay Home and Bolt the Door”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Cancel Culture and Rudeness

This was only written in 1991, but do some of Margaret Visser’s final words from the post script in her marvelous book, “The Rituals of Dinner,” still ring true? With the current climate of “cancel culture” and the rudeness often seen in the gleeful joy of “taking someone down,” due to what is most often differences in opinion, Etiquipedia is, sadly, not so sure…
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 “One of the guiding principles of modernity is mobility — the opportunity to move up the social scale, as well as to flee from any social “scene” we find uncomfortable and unaccepting... We have greatly reduced the likelihood that anyone need play a predetermined role on a ‘stage’ dominated from the start by people born to power... None of us need tolerate surveillance and adverse judgements from people who have set themselves up as arbiters of elegance. We can move away if they disapprove or try to put us down.”

How Rude Are We? 

Are we ruder than other societies are? Are we ruder than we were in the past? There is increasing concern for manners in the modern West: newspaper articles protest about the lack of them; the number of books telling people how to behave and their enormous sales attest to an anxiety on this score which rivals that experienced in the nineteenth century; and a new and expanding business is the etiquette industry, where people formally, and for a fee, teach protocol and the arts of the dinner table to ambitious business men and women. It is realized, in the commercial world at least, that bad manners might actually spoil a corporate image, hamper a deal, impede mobility; good manners might make a competitive difference. Since bad manners can be corrected, the demeanour of the staff is one of the things a careful company can try to polish and control.

The idea is to pinpoint trouble spots, moments where even we, with our insistence on informality, set up specific expectations which could trip up the unwary or the simply ignorant. We must know, for example, that at a formal meal served by waiters, serving dishes are likely to appear, silently and without warning, from the left; the serving spoon and fork must be used in a correct and unobtrusive manner to remove a portion of the food presented (do not take too long choosing your portion!); when eating is done, plates will be removed from the right. Most people are right-handed, and this rule is for their convenience. 

If plates should be presented already loaded with food, however, they are set down from the diner's right, and taken away from the left. The need to be prepared for such moments is heightened because formal meals are unusual, and important for reasons that go beyond eating for nourishment; and because etiquette involving the presence of servants is not everyday experience. We do eat out at restaurants, however, where practice in old-fashioned formality is available to us, as is the surveillance of our manners by people outside our families.

One of the guiding principles of modernity is mobility— the opportunity to move up the social scale, as well as to flee from any social “scene” we find uncomfortable and unaccepting. Physical movement facilitates social mobility; it is possible to live in an inexpensive neighbourhood, for instance, and still drive to a job in a smart area of the city. We have greatly reduced the likelihood that anyone need play a predetermined role on a “stage” dominated from the start by people born to power. Modern cities set out to offer many alternatives-a choice of “stages” upon one of which a person may hope someday to shine, and plenty of escape routes from unwanted constraints. None of us need tolerate surveillance and adverse judgements from people who have set themselves up as arbiters of elegance. We can move away if they disapprove or try to put us down. — Margaret Visser, 1991

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Setting the Perfect Table of 1941

TABLE SERVICE

Table linen is the first thing to consider in setting the table and of course should be well laundered. Doilies are quite appropriate to use for informal luncheons and dinners and may be of either linen or lace. Colored linens are used only for luncheon or breakfast. For the more formal service the table may be completely covered with a linen or banquet cloth or an elaborate lace cloth, which should be placed on a bare polished table and not over colored cloth.

The napkins should match the linen in color, if not in material. Breakfast and luncheon napkins may be small, but dinner napkins should be properly from 18 to 20 inches square. They are usually placed to the left of the silver or may be put on the service plate; however, unless the table is crowded, the former is preferred. Napkins may be folded in a triangle for lunch or breakfast but for a dinner are usually folded very simply. If folded in rectangular shape, they are placed with the open lower corner nearest the plate to facilitate handling. Never stand a napkin up on the table.

Tea napkins are from six to nine inches square and are passed with the tea plate or cup and saucer. Cocktail napkins are either six inches square or rectangular in shape and are passed when a cocktail is served away from the table. Table decorations should be kept simple. A centerpiece is al ways appropriate; however, it should be kept low, not obstructing the view across the table. For special occasions, other types of decorations may be used, such as an attractive arrangement of fruit or vegetables. Crepe paper centerpieces are never in good taste unless the party is for children or when the occasion is extremely informal.

Candles have no place on the luncheon or tea table unless they are lighted and the room darkened by drawing the shades. Candles lend an air of friendliness and cheeriness to any room and should be placed at an attractive distance from the centerpiece to give balance to the table. 

SILVERWARE

Silverware, whether of plate or sterling, should be kept well polished and courses should not be included in the menu if the proper silver to accompany them is not available. However, through popular usage, a spoon may easily be substituted for a cocktail fork, unless serving fish. The dinner, luncheon or salad fork may be served with the dessert course, if necessary. For informal entertaining at home, not more than four to six pieces of silver (not counting the oyster fork) should be laid on the table at one time. These generally consist of knife, fork, salad fork and spoon. If necessary, additional pieces may he placed on the table before the course is served. For example the silver for the dessert may he brought in on the plate or laid on the table before it is served. The bread and butter spreader may be laid on the bread and butter plate and the cocktail fork or spoon may be on the plate on which the cocktail is placed.

The general rule for the position of flat silver on the table is one inch from the edge and vertical to the edge of the table. placing it in correct sequence as used, beginning from the outside and working toward the plate, The knives are laid cutting edge toward the plate next and to the right of the plate. The spoons are placed next the knife, bowls up and parallel with the knife. If soup is to be served, the bouillon, cream soun the large soup spoon is placed on the outside, next the teaspoon. Forks are placed on the left of the plate, tines up. If the salad is served Western style (before the main course), the dinner fork is placed next the plate and then the salad fork. If the salad is to be served with the main course or after the main course, the salad fork is put next the plate.

The butter spreader may be placed in a variety of ways, one l being to lay it on the top or right side of the bread and but ter plate with the blade toward the center of the plate. The cocktail fork or spoon is placed on the cocktail plate, parallel to the other silver on the table. The water glass or goblet is placed above the tip of the dinner knife. If other glasses are used, they are placed to the right of the water glass or in a line slanting from the goblet to the right. Bread and butter plates are placed above the tines of the forks, on a line with the water glasses.

Salt and pepper containers may be placed at either end of the table within easy reach of the guests; if individual salts are used, they may be placed for each cover or between every two covers. The cream and sugar may be put on the table; the letter is always filled with lump sugar if to be used for a hot beverage. If coffee is to be served only with, or after the dessert course, the cups and saucers and creamers and sugar bowl are brought on with the course they are to accompany.

Service plates are of a large size and are placed at least one inch from the edge of the table at each cover, directly opposite the ones across the table, if set for an even number. These remain on the table for the opening course, whether it is cocktail, soup or salad course served separately before the main course. Place cards are best placed above the plate and usually used at a more formal affair as a matter of convenience in seating the guests.

Chairs are set just far enough away from the table so the line of the table cloth is not broken. For the buffet service of dinner, luncheon or supper, the guests help themselves and the silver, china and glasswar needed are put on the table. The silver may be arranged on the table near the plates that it is to accompany. – Shinsekai asahi shinbun [New World Sun], 1, January 1941

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Outdoor Entertainments

The refreshments for a picnic consist chiefly of cold dishes such as meats, boned turkey, game, patés, sandwiches, salads, cakes, jellies, pies, punch, lemonade, claret and champagne.

Modes and Manners for Sports, Hunt Breakfasts and Picnics

Now that the fashionable world is, so to speak, out of town, hunting, tennis and other outdoor sports are in order. According to manners, the etiquette, when taking part in hunting, shooting, fishing, etc..., is quickly learned by those interested in them. 

For instance, any man chosen to to master of the hounds would be one who had such experience in the hunting field that the duties attending his new position would be easily understood by him. It is customary in sections of the country where hounds meet for any of the residents interested in the sport to give a “hunt” or “meet” breakfast during the season to the master of the hounds and to all comers.  

This breakfast ought to be an informal affair, the food being much the same as would be offered at any ordinary morning entertainment. Tennis clubs and athletic associations, each and all, usually have clearly defined rules, which ought to be carefully read and followed by everybody desirous of connection with them. 

When one person gives a picnic, that one person, of course, provides everything, the mode of conveyance, the refreshments, entertainment, etc... Where several persons, however, join in issuing the invitations to a picnic, the labor and expense should be equally divided.  

The refreshments for a picnic consist chiefly of cold dishes such as meats, boned turkey, game, patés, sandwiches, salads, cakes, jellies, pies, punch, lemonade, claret and champagne. A picnic generally lasts from noon until twilight, and the best season of the year is when it is most pleasant to be out of doors.  

Dancing is the chief amusement after eating, and a wooden platform is erected for the purpose nowadays. Dancing on the green sounds poetical, but modern picnickers do not take to it kindly. —Red Bluff Daily News, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of London Social Guides

Various members of an effete British aristocracy are engaged as the domestic servants of an American millionaire. Henceforth, any American who is able to pay from $3 to $5 a day for the privilege, will be able to “hire” the services of some Englishman or Englishwoman “of good social position” if he wants somebody to serve as his guide in London.

Americans May Next Hire Titled Guides!

London Plan to Provide Men and Women of “Good Social Position” as Sightseeing Aides 

They Think It Will Fill a Want of Visitors to See Something of English Society

—

Army Officers’ Scheme

Special Correspondence THE NEW YORK TIMES

LONDON, Nov. 6. — In a musical comedy now running in London and New York various members of an effete British aristocracy are engaged as the domestic servants of an American millionaire. Henceforth, any American who is able to pay from $3 to $5 a day for the privilege, will be able to “hire” the services of some Englishman or Englishwoman “of good social position” if he wants somebody to serve as his guide in London.


This, at any rate, is the ideal sought by a remarkable organization recently formed by two British army officers. Major Walter and Capt. Dennison Adams. These gentlemen have got together a new corps of guides, all of whom they guarantee as of blue blood and good social standing and eminently fitted to act as guides, mentors, and friends to whomsoever has need of their services. The men are drawn exclusively from the ranks of army and navy officers, or “equivalent sources,” to quote the circulars of the association, while the women guides are likewise highly recommendable in both birth and breeding.


“We have men guides,” said Capt. Dennison Adams, “who speak most European languages fluently, and who are experts in all sports and pastimes, from big game shooting to billiards. Our lady guides are women who know how to dress and where to do shopping, and what plays to see, and in fact, have all that knowledge of the right things in social life which can only be acquired by moving in good circles.”


We shall not touch, and do not want to touch, any such existing organizations as Cook's Guides. But you will easily see how useful our people will be. Parents want their children taken to the Tower, or to a pantomime, by a lady in whose hands they will be safe. A visitor of sporting habits wants to get into the English hunting field, to go to a race meeting without being fleeced, to get into the English sporting set of the highest class. American and Colonial visitors want to go to the right hotels, the best theatres, and to know something of English society. Well, our guides will do all that for them.


“Our men have been specially trained. What they do not know about London is not knowledge from every point of view —social, historical, geographical, artistic — and they are prepared to act as private secretaries. companions. or confidential friends, and to undertake every detail which will relieve visitors of expense, worry, and trouble. One lady, who is a Countess in her own right, speaks five languages.


A good deal of fun is being poked at this highly meritorious organization. A radical paper suggests that it should lead to admirable results unforeseen even by its promoters. If an American lady wants to play a good hand at bridge, one of the social guides might teach her how to face even a dowager duchess with courage and a cool head. If a foreign gentleman desires to be initiated into the mysteries of poker, the scion of a noble family would oblige him with a series of scientific lessons.


Dukes who have been ruined by the Budget will find a new career open to their talents. The younger sons of peers will, by enrolling themselves in the guides, meet rich American heiresses in the pleasantest circumstances. Colonial pork packers and others may become paying guests in old ancestral mansions, where they may study the social habits of aristocrats who are poor but honest. Rich parvenus will be able to get easy lessons in the etiquette of high life from people who have it to the manner born. The doors of Mayfair will be opened to them in moderate terms by guides provided with latch-keys. Our English aristocracy, threatened by this nasty wave of Socialism, may economise their resources by giving private exhibitions of the customs and habits of the smart set.


“Undoubtedly there will be a rush for enrollment in the social guides. We may expect to see beautiful peeresses waiting at Charing-cross to meet the boat-trains, and ladies of high degree conducting parties from Chicago over Westminster Abbey and Mme. Tussaud's. Young bloods late of the Guards, will be found lunching at the Savoy (expenses paid) with daughters of copper kings. Retired Generals who once led our armies to victory will now be found leading our Colonial cousins to Victoria Station. Indeed, the service of the London Social Guides suggests all kinds of happy possibilities which will increase the pleasure of our visitors and put moderate fees into the pockets of a deserving class.” — The New York Times, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Etiquette of Hospitality

Let us clear the ground by fairly acknowledging that to have visitors in one’s house demands the sacrifice of our leisure, our attention, our little personal “ways” that are so dear to us, and that notwithstanding the exquisite pleasure of close intercourse that often comes to us in this way alone, a large part of our care as hosts is spent upon people who are only moderately interesting to us, and sometimes upon those who require our utmost patience and indulgence to put up with them at all. I am speaking of prolonged visits, and not of special banquets, when fatigue will sometimes so overpower every other sensation, that we shamefacedly sympathize with the poor hostess who flung herself back in her chair after the door closed, with “Thank heaven, they're all stuffed and gone!” and shudder with her at the squeaking voice from the corner where a little old lady was still putting on her overshoes, “All stuffed, my dear, but not all gone!” 

Wealthy or Poor… 

A Lovely Fire-Light on the Hearth of Home-Keeping

As we all feel: Our houses are hardly our own till we share them. Who does not celebrate the taking possession of a new dwelling by calling his friends together to rejoice with him in its beauty and comfort, as if no mere material fires were enough for a true house-warming without that glow and radiance which, shining from sympathetic hearts and eyes, vivifies every nook and corner of the new habitation, and transforms what was mere carpenters’ and masons’ work into that heaven’s vestibule, a how, in which the happy owners feel themselves at once masters and servants, priests and hosts, always busy and yet infinitely at rest? And what house has not its “spare room,” its guest chamber, sacred to those whom love, duty, or compassion invite to its shelter? Hospitality is one of the primal instincts of man. Nor is it only an instinct. It is a virtue, and sometimes a very lofty one. It is most touching among the poor, most graceful in the rich, and most difficult in the middle classes. 

To receive guests has been the pride of the English noble, the religion of the Arab, the amusement of the country squire, the sign of brotherhood among pioneers, the polite show of the Chinese, the joy of children, the delight and terror of young wives, and the duty, performed with a varying mixture of pleasure and fatigue, of the average American. If there are any thoughts by which the pleasure can be made more and the fatigue less to our own country men, and especially countrywomen, for it is upon these that the care and labor chiefly come, let us consider them. 

Let us clear the ground by fairly acknowledging that to have visitors in one’s house demands the sacrifice of our leisure, our attention, our little personal “ways” that are so dear to us, and that notwithstanding the exquisite pleasure of close intercourse that often comes to us in this way alone, a large part of our care as hosts is spent upon people who are only moderately interesting to us, and sometimes upon those who require our utmost patience and indulgence to put up with them at all. I am speaking of prolonged visits, and not of special banquets, when fatigue will sometimes so overpower every other sensation, that we shamefacedly sympathize with the poor hostess who flung herself back in her chair after the door closed, with “Thank heaven, they're all stuffed and gone!” and shudder with her at the squeaking voice from the corner where a little old lady was still putting on her overshoes, “All stuffed, my dear, but not all gone!” 

I am thinking of visits within the range of the formal three days, “the rest day, the drest day, and the prest day,” and three weeks, after which time a visitor becomes as one of the family, and, granting the unavoidable trials and inconven iences of company to a household of moderate means, behind and deeper than all these lies the happy consciousness of a home to which others can be asked, of the opportunity of giving, the joy of serving, the privilege of showing attention, and offering kindness and comfort, the stirring, in short, of the old native instinct of hospitality, which puts firm ground under our feet and stamps our invi tations with that genuine honesty without which they are not worth the paper they are written on. With these feelings uppermost, lightening all the air, cordial will be the welcome, and sweet the atmosphere. And let us not make such a circumstance of company. Let us not alter our dress or our mode of life because friends have come. 

If our clothes and our table, our manners and our habits are what we judge fit for our means and our position, why should we improve them and give ourselves the needless confusion of change just when we should be free to offer our guests the easy minds and ready thoughts which are much more important to them than seeing our best gowns or the unhomelike parlor in which we do not usually sit? Of course we give our best to our visitors. If flowers, fruit, a drive, or the theatre are rare luxuries with us, we naturally try to have them when we can share them with those under our roof to whom they are also luxuries, or, perhaps, daily pleasures. But let us give our real best, and not mistake our worst for it. Let us give cordiality and ease, not stiffness and pretence. 

If a friend comes in upon a homely or scanty dinner, let us eke it out with bread and butter, or a jar of canned fruit, and say nothing in deprecation. I remember hearing Agassiz tell of a visit he paid one day to Oken, the great naturalist, then living in some little village in Germany. The two men spent the entire morning in talk so interesting that time passed unobserved. When they were called to dinner, there was upon the table literally nothing but a large dish of boiled potatoes, and salt. No remark was made; all sat down and were helped, “And,” said Agassiz, his noble face glowing with genial pleasure at the recollection, “never in my life did I eat a better dinner.”

And let us take our visitors into our confidence. I do not mean as to our little worries or greater griefs, still less as to our private opinions of each other, which belong only to the communion of perfect intimacy, although they are frequently served as a garnish to general conversation, but as to the way we live and pass our time. When our occupations are such as can be seen and shared, let us admit our guests to them. This will make our intercourse fresh and natural, like that of young people and children, who fall into each other's ways instinctively. And we, in return, must adopt the hopes and fears, the wishes and curiosities of our guests, enrich our hearts by new sympathies, our lives by thoughts and feelings outside our immediate circle, and thus it may often prove that both the entertained and the entertainers have been angels to each other unawares.— Mary E. Dewey, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

After Dining Cigar Etiquette

Never smoke on an empty stomach. Smoke after luncheon, or after dinner or supper, but do not smoke long after you have taken food, or early in the morning. A light cigar after a hearty meal frequently aids digestion, but if one smokes just before eating, the appetite will be lessened and food will lose its relish.

First, smoke light-colored cigars. They are less strong than the darker shades. Select the boxes marked Claro and Colorado Claro, and avoid those marked Maduro or even Colorado Maduro.

Secondly, never smoke on an empty stomach. Smoke after luncheon, or after dinner or supper, but do not smoke long after you have taken food, or early in the morning. A light cigar after a hearty meal frequently aids digestion, but if one smokes just before eating, the appetite will be lessened and food will lose its relish.

Thirdly, do not smoke the whole of the cigar. Sacrifice a fourth or fifth, because in the stump the poisonous oil or nicotine of tobacco becomes concentrated. 

Fourthly, do not smoke more than three or four cigars a day. And in the last place, after smoking cleanse the teeth, and thus avoid their discoloration and impregnation with the fumes of the tobacco. 

A moderate and careful use of tobacco does not harm the teeth, but when excessive it causes the gums to recede, and covers the teeth themselves with the blackening oil of the leaf.— New York Sun, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Public Breast Feeding

Amy Vanderbilt, the etiquette authority, has now heard enough about public breast feeding, and has had sufficient queries, to plan an article on the subject. “My own feeling is that nursing is precious thing and that it would be better for the mother and the child to do it quietly and in privacy,” she said. However, “as young people seem to have no hang‐ups about it,” she suggested that basic rules of courtesy apply.

Mrs. Ira Silverman is a 27‐year‐old full‐time mother and part‐time career woman. She has fed her son, now 14 months old, in a restaurant and at dinner party. On neither occasion, although her son was being breast‐fed, was she embarrassed.

“I think it can be done discreetly and modestly,” she said. “I wouldn't normally have fed the baby in a restaurant, but he was obviously hungry and I didn't have a bottle with me.”

Mrs. Silverman, an editor of a Washington, D.C. trade publication, is one of an increasing number of women who not only nurse their babies, but have no particular inhibitions about doing so in front of other people.

“It's not a sexual thing to me,” she said. “Nursing is on a different level it's a basic life function.”

Mrs. Silverman breast‐fed her child in public only when the necessity arose, but she had, and has, no hesitation about feeding the baby with friends present.

“I think it's basic courtesy to ask they would be uncomfortable about it and I wouldn't do it if they were, but most people don't mind,” she said. “But once a friend telephoned and asked if she and her husband could come over to see the baby and when I mentioned that I might be feeding him when they came, she, said they'd come later because it might embarrass her husband.”

Many of the women who breast‐feed their babies in the presence of friends and/or strangers do so as unobtrusively as possible, often so expectly that others are unware of what they are doing.

“I course any place my baby is hungry,” said Mrs. Robert Wright, who has a 7‐month‐old daughter, Karla.

“I would say that over 75 per cent of the time, people are unaware of what is going on. . . I don't have to expose myself.”

However, there have been times, in the restaurants, movies and stores where she has nursed, where observers have realized what was happening. The reactions have been varied.

“I've had everything from smiles to averted eyes,” she said. “The only severe reaction I've had was in the ladies room at Saks Fifth Avenue where some of the women gave me a look and walked out.”

How the Children Responded

Most nursing mothers have noticed little difference in reaction between men and women, but they have found that children respond with bath curiosity and delight.

“If children come into the house when I'm nursing, I just continue,” said Mrs. Joseph Falcon of Brooklyn. “They ask what I'm doing and I explain and they are very interested.”

Mrs. Falcon, who nursed Wendy, her 2‐year‐old daughter, in airports, airplanes, bus stations and hotel lobbies, said she thought she had done so without being ostentatious.

“Society being what it is, I accept the fact that it should be done subtly,” she said.

Mrs. Stanley Stone of Staten Island, the wife of a police lieutenant, said she was aware that “the breast nowdays is considered a sexual symbol,” and that she would therefore not nurse in front of her husband's friends.

She does nurse in front of her three older children, the eldest of whom is 9, because “breasts aren't a sexual symbol to them... it's feeding the baby ... my daughter nursed her doll.”

“I've nursed every place under the sun,” she continued. “But I feel there is a way of doing it. I do it for the child's sake, not to show off that I'm a nursing mother. I believe in being natural but think one should consider the rights of others. Many people are turned off by, breasts hanging out.”

To Mrs. Michael Margetts, wife of producer of television commercials, breast feeding in some of the South American countries and in Mexico “was really beautiful.”

“In some of the, smaller towns, women would be shopping and the baby would be sucking at the breast and there was no effort made to cover up.”

Mrs: Margetts, who breast‐fed her son, Noah Li, for 18 months, said she realized a similar action here would be unwise.

“I never really displayed myself ... but in New York I got a lot more negative reaction,” she said. “A lot of women looked at me as though it was disgusting but I never felt anything other than natural about it.”

“You rarely see more than a flash of a breast,” said Mrs. Sanford Cohen, whose 10‐month‐old son, Nicte‐Ha (“Flower of the Water” in Mayan) is still being breast‐fed.

“I've never felt inhibited while doing it,” said Mrs. Cohen, who is a partner with her husband in a Hammock Master shop.

The growing vogue of public nursing has brought with it certain problems of rights and etiquette.

Several women reported that they had been asked by airline stewardesses to breast‐feed their babies in curtained compartments, rather than in their seats.

But airline spokesmen said there was no special policy or rule on the matter. “The common sense thing is that it be done as discreetly as possible,” said one representative. “We'd like her to do whatever is most comfortable for her.”

Other situations are not as clear‐cut, including the right of a passenger sitting next to a nursing mother or nearby diners at restaurants.

“It may be a perfectly natural thing to do,” said one woman who had nursed her own children. “But neither I, nor my husband, want to go out to dine and be faced with someone's breast. It's only happened to us once but let me tell you, it was enough ... my husband almost dropped his martini.”

A man who attended a party where a woman casually pulled up her sweater to succor her child recalled it vividly.

“I was talking to her at the time and I just fixed my eyes on her forehead,” he said. “It would be an understatement to say that I was uncomfortable”

Amy Vanderbilt, the etiquette authority, has now heard enough about public breast feeding, and has had sufficient queries, to plan an article on the subject.

“My own feeling is that nursing is precious thing and that it would be better for the mother and the child to do it quietly and in privacy,” she said.

However, “as young people seem to have no hang‐ups about it,” she suggested that basic rules of courtesy apply.

“I think they should try to conform with what makes most people comfortable. Generally speaking, if they are with their peers, it might be fine, but if there are older people who might not understand, they should retire to another room.”

Mrs. William Hamilton, wife of The New Yorker cartoonist, has noted, on occasion, that fellow guests at a party “didn't know how to behave” when she was nursing her 5‐month‐old daughter, Alexandra.

“They don't say anything, but they don't know how to react,” she commented. “They don't know whether to ignore me, or talk to me, or what.”

Before accepting an invitation, Mrs. Hamilton inquires whether her breastfeeding would be acceptable to the host and hostess, She tries, but can't always avoid, most public nursing.

“I once had to nurse the baby at an airport snack bar,” she recollected. “There were two older women nearby and they turned their heads away ... but two young boys came over and helped me arrange the baby and they didn't think anything about it.”

To some women who believe in nursing, it is still an act that should be confined to the home.

“What are you talking about, nursing or showing the world what you can do?” Mrs. Irwin Weindling asked. “Too often, girls want everyone within two miles to know it.”

She conceded, however, that done correctly, it was possible to nurse almost anywhere without attracting attention.

“But they are such shimmering moments, and there are so few of them in a lifetime, that I didn't care to share them,” she added. – The New York Times, 1973

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia