Wise Words; Lillian Eichler's "Book of Etiquette"

“The power of manners is incessant -- an element as unconcealable as fire. The nobility cannot in any country be disguised, and no more in a republic or a democracy than in a kingdom. There are certain manners which are learned in good society, of that force that, if a person have them, he or she must be considered, and is everywhere welcome, though without beauty, or wealth, or genius.” From “Emerson's Essays”

From “BOOK OF ETIQUETTE” by Lillian Eichler, 1921

WHAT IS ETIQUETTE?

At a meeting of army officers during the Civil War, one of them began to relate a questionable story, remarking, as if to excuse his lack of good taste, that "there were no ladies present."  General Grant, who was acting as chairman of the meeting, remarked, "No, but there are gentlemen" --and he refused to allow the officer to continue the story.

What is a gentleman?  The question is an old one.  It cannot be ancestry, for often the son of most noble and honored parentage is merely a coarse compound of clay and money, offered to society as a gentleman.  It cannot be dress--for surely Beau Brummell was not what the world loves to call a gentleman, despite his stiffly starched cravats and brightly polished boots. It cannot be money, for then many a common thief, made wealthy by his ill-gotten gains, would be entitled to the name of gentleman.

No, it is something that goes deeper than ancestry or dress or wealth--something that is nobler and finer than any, or all, of these. Perhaps it can be best expressed by this beautiful example of what true etiquette can mean:

Henry Ward Beecher, on a very cold day, stopped to buy a newspaper from a ragged youngster who stood shivering on a corner. "Poor little fellow," he said, "aren't you cold standing here?" The boy looked up with a smile and said, "I was, sir--before you passed."

The word "etiquette" itself does not mean very much. It comes from the same origin as the word "ticket" and originally meant the rules of court ceremony printed on tickets that were given to each person presented at court. But through generations the ideal of perfected culture surged, until to-day we have a code of manners that is the pride and inspiration of refined living.

“Henry Ward Beecher, on a very cold day, stopped to buy a newspaper from a ragged youngster who stood shivering on a corner. 'Poor little fellow,' he said, 'aren't you cold standing here?' The boy looked up with a smile and said, 'I was, sir--before you passed.'” Henry Ward Beecher was a prominent Congregationalist clergyman, abolitionist, social reformer and speaker in mid-late 19th century.

LAWS OF SOCIETY

Etiquette, after all, is not the finished work, but merely a tool that opens the portals to a broader life, to a greater social happiness.  Through its influence we are brought into close companionship with the really worth-while minds of our day. By faithful constancy to its rules we gradually mold our characters until, in our outward dignity and charm, the world reads and understands our ideals.

There is in every human nature the desire for social happiness --which is, frankly, in other words, the desire so to impress by one's manner that one will be welcome and respected wherever one chances to be. And it is only by adhering to the fundamental laws of good society that this social happiness can ever be attained.

In observing the established etiquette of modern society it is necessary to pay particular attention to one's appearance, manner, and speech. It must be remembered that the world is a harsh judge and isperfectly willing to condemn us by outward appearances. In the street-car, in the ball-room, at the theater -- every day people are reading the story of our characters and ideals.

Society has its own definite code of manners that must be observed before one can enter its portals. There are certain rules that must be followed before one can enter its envied circle. There are conventionalities that must be observed in requesting a lady to dance, in acknowledging an introduction, in using the knife and fork at the dinner table. There are certain prevailing modes in dressing for the theater and reception. To know and adhere to these laws is to be admitted to the highest society and enjoy the company of the most brilliant minds.

“Black and White Beaux” depiction,  NYC 1832

Etiquette is an art -- the art of doing and saying the correct thing at the correct time -- the art of being able to hold oneself always in hand, no matter how exacting the circumstance. And like music or painting or writing, the more you study it, the more you apply yourself to its principles, the more perfectly your own character is molded.

CONTROL OF THE IMPULSES

He may be greatly enthusiastic about some unexpected happening, but he never becomes excited, never loses control of his reasoning faculties.

The cultured man is never angry, never impatient, never demonstrative. His actions and speech are tempered with a dispassionate calmness and tranquility that the French admiringly call "sang froid." He knows how to control his emotions so effectively that no one can read, in his self-possessed expression, whether he is angry or pleased, discouraged or eager.

Perhaps the most striking and admirable thing about a man of breeding is his carefully disciplined impulses. He may at times lose control of himself, but he is never petulant, never incoherent. He may be greatly enthusiastic about some unexpected happening, but he never becomes excited, never loses control of his reasoning faculties. He never gives the appearance of being in a hurry, no matter how swift his actions may be--there is always about him the suggestion of leisure and poise.

Swearing is essentially vulgar.  It was Dr. Crane, the famous essayist and philosopher, who said in one of his delightful talks, "The superior man is gentle. It is only the man with a defective vocabulary that swears.  All noise is waste.  The silent sun is mightier than the whirlwind. The genuine lady speaks low.  The most striking characteristic of the superior ones is their quiet, their poise. They have about them a sense of the stars." Strong feeling, anger, have no place in the social life.

We are all uneasy at times. We all have our embarrassing moments. But the well-bred person knows how to conceal his emotions, and impulses, so well that no one but himself knows that he is uneasy or embarrassed. It is not only exceedingly unpleasant, but it is also very poor form to show by our gestures and frowns and speech that we are annoyed by some circumstance that is entirely beyond our control.

Impulsiveness is often the cause of serious breaches of etiquette -- breaches that are, socially speaking, the ruin of many a rising young man, of many an otherwise charming young woman. The gentleman never shows by hasty word or angry glance that he is displeased with some service. The lady never shows, either in her speech or manner, that she is excited with some unexpected happening, or disappointed because something did not happen the way she planned it. It is only by studying the rules of etiquette and knowing absolutely what is right to do and say under all conditions that one acquires this splendid self-possession and composure of manner.

REGARD FOR THE RIGHTS OF OTHERS

William DeWitt Hyde was an American college president. He graduated from Harvard University in 1879 and Andover Theological Seminary in 1882.  He wrote the book “Practical Ethics”

William De Witt Hyde, in his book, "Practical Ethics," says, "Politeness is proper respect for human personality. Rudeness results from thinking exclusively about ourselves and caring nothing for the feelings of anybody else.  The sincere desire to bring the greatest pleasure and least pain to everyone we meet will go a long way towards making our manners more polite and courteous."

The man or woman who is truly cultured, truly well-bred, tries to make everyone happy and at ease. It is only the exceedingly vulgar person who finds pleasure in hurting the feelings of the people with whom he comes into contact. It makes no difference how wealthy or how poor a person is, how ignorant or educated he happens to be--as a fellow-being he is entitled to a hearty sympathy and respect. Both servility and arrogance are ungentlemanly. Gentleness, simplicity and a sincere regard for the rights of one's companions are the distinguishing marks of a fine character.

THE DANGER OF INTOLERANCE

There is no room for intolerance in the social world. To be honored, respected, one must have a certain friendliness of spirit. The gentleman, the lady treats everyone, from the lowliest beggar to the most distinguished personage with consideration. It is only the man who is unpretentious, who is always eager to please, who is as courteous and considerate in manner to his inferiors as to his equals, that fully deserves the name of gentleman.

The author recently chanced to witness an amusing incident which might be of value to repeat here. It shows forcibly how important the little things are, and how they reveal to the gaze of the world the true story of our actual worth:

An elderly man, who showed quite obviously by his lordly and self-satisfied manner that he was accustomed to travel about in his own car, was on one occasion forced to ride home in the subway. It was rush hour, and thousands of tired men and women were in a hurry to get home. The man impatiently waited his turn on a long line at the ticket office, constantly grumbling and making it disagreeable for those about him. When he finally did reach the window, he offered a ten dollar bill in payment for one five-cent ticket and deliberately remained at the window counting and recounting his change while the people behind him anxiously awaited their turn. When at last he did move away, he had a half smile, half frown of smug and malicious satisfaction on his face which, interpreted to the people he had kept waiting, said that he now felt repaid for having had to travel in the same train with them.

This man, in spite of his self-satisfied manner and well-tailored suit, was very far from being a gentleman. The shabby young man behind him, who also offered a bill in payment for his ticket, but stepped quickly to one side to count his change, and smiled cheerfully at the man behind him, was infinitely more of a gentleman than the one who maliciously, and with evident keen enjoyment, kept the long line waiting.

The true worth of a gentleman is revealed, not in his fashionable clothes or haughty demeanor, but in his regard for the rights of others. It is the little kindnesses that count -- and the instinctive recognition of the rights of others. As England's inimitable J. M. Barrie has so aptly remarked, "Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves."

WHY IT PAYS TO BE AGREEABLE

Miss Una Ware looks agreeable, but Mrs. Gorham Ware does not look agreeable when meeting Mr. Bessemer Steele

Why should we know the laws of etiquette? Why should we know the way to do and say things? Why should we be agreeable? These are questions that will undoubtedly arise in the mind of the young man or woman who is eager to cultivate and refine his or her manner and speech.

The answer is: to make one's own life happier -- to bring into it a new sunshine, a new joy of living that was not even dreamed of when the mind and spirit were shrouded in the gloom of discourtesy, coarseness and vulgarity.

For how can the boor be happy? With his gloomy face, sour disposition, complaining habits and inherent lack of good taste and culture, he sees only the shadows of life. People are repulsed by him, never attracted. Brilliant men and women, people of refinement and taste, will have nothing to do with him. He lives his own life -- his ill-bred, complaining, gloomy, companionless life -- an outcast from that better society of which we all long to be a part.

Greer Garson always at her best, when in roles looking cultured and cheerful

Culture and cheer go hand-in-hand. The cultured man or woman is always cheerful, always finding something good and beautiful in all mankind and nature. Cheerfulness itself means poise -a wholesome, happy, undaunted poise that makes life well-balanced and worth the living. The person of low, vulgar tastes and desires is seldom contented, seldom happy. He finds everywhere evil, ugliness, selfishness, and a tendency for the world generally to degrade itself to the lower levels of coarseness. He finds it because he looks for it. And he looks for it because it already exists in his mind.

And yet, he may be educated; he may be a recognized power in the financial world; he may even possess enviable talents. But if he lacks that glorious open-hearted generosity, that sincere sympathy and simple understanding with all mankind, that helpful, healthful, ever-inspiring agreeableness of mind and spirit -- the world will have none of him.

The man who feels constantly grieved and injured at some injustice, real or imaginary, is sacrificing some of the best things life has to offer. He does not know what it means to be greeted with a smile of pleasure and a warm handclasp. He does not know what it means to be taken whole-heartedly into one's confidence, to be relied upon, to be appealed to. He does not know what it means, in his hours of darkest adversity, to receive the genuine sympathy and encouragement of a friend.

But with culture, with development of mind and spirit, with the desire to adhere truly to society's laws and regard as inviolable the rights of others, there comes a new understanding of human relationship. Where once everything seemed narrow and selfish, one now sees love and beauty and helpfulness. Instead of harsh words and unkind glances, there are words of cheer and encouragement, smiles of friendliness and understanding. The world that once seemed coarse, shallow and unpolished, seems now strangely cordial and polite.

THE SIMPLEST CULTURE

Culture is of the heart and spirit rather than of the outward appearance. But it is by what we do and say that we prove that it truly exists within us.

Yes, it pays to be agreeable. We are all like huge magnets, and we tend to attract those things which we ourselves send out. If we are coarse and unrefined, we attract to our company those people who are also coarse and unrefined. If we are disagreeable and unmindful of the rights of others, they in turn will be disagreeable to us, and unmindful of our rights. And similarly, if we are kind and agreeable, we are bound to meet and attract people of the same kind.

There is a pretty little story of a woman and a child, in which the simple friendliness of a little girl opened the door for a woman whose life had been embittered by much hardship and disappointment. She was strolling one day through a mountain farm-house. She did not know where she was going, and she did not care. She just wanted to forget, forget.

She stopped near a well and gazed angrily about her, wondering how there could be so much peace and quiet in a world that held nothing but turmoil and heartache for her. She was an attractive woman, and her smart clothes and haughty bearing were a disappointing contrast to her scowling face and angry eyes.

Suddenly she glanced down. A tiny girl was watching her intently--a little girl who had lived all her seven short years in the untutored expanse of the mountains. The woman was annoyed, and she did not hesitate to show it.

"What are you looking at; what do you want?" she demanded irritably.

Instead of returning the frown, the child smiled and stepped a little closer. "I was just thinking how pretty your face would be if it smiled instead of frowned," she answered.

The woman's face relaxed. The bitter look in the eyes vanished and was replaced by a bright new light. The scowl became a grateful smile, and with an impulsive sob of pure joy, she knelt down and hugged the little girl who had been the first in a long time to speak gently to her, the first in a long time to return her frowns with sincere smiles of friendliness. And when she finally left the little child, and returned to the exacting conventionalities of the town, she was a nobler, better and finer woman.

The simple heart of a child who knew no other creed or law than the sincere love of all mankind triumphed over the bitterness of a woman who had known years of education and worldliness.

Culture is of the heart and spirit rather than of the outward appearance. But it is by what we do and say that we prove that it truly exists within us. — Lillian Eichler, 1921

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Bows, Kissing and Handshaking for Ladies and Gentlemen

Salutations

Greetings and salutations are always nicer when flowers are added.

From 1877

A lady of rank, speaking of salutations, makes the following remarks: "It would seem that good manners were originally the expression of submission from the weaker to the stronger. In a rude state of society every salutation is to this day an act of worship. Hence the commonest acts, phrases and signs of courtesy with which we are now familiar date from those earlier stages when the strong hand ruled and the inferior demonstrated his allegiance by studied servility. 

Let us take, for example, the words 'sir' and 'madam.' 'Sir' is derived from seigneur, sieur, and originally meant lord, king, ruler and, in its patriarchal sense, father. The title of sire was last borne by some of the ancient feudal families of France, who, as Selden has said, 'affected rather to be styled by the name of sire than baron, as Le Sire de Montmorenci and the like.' 'Madam' or 'madame,' corrupted by servants into 'ma'am,' and by Mrs. Gamp and her tribe into 'mum,' is in substance equivalent to 'your exalted,' or 'your highness,' madame originally meaning high-born or stately, and being applied only to ladies of the highest rank.

To turn to our every-day forms of salutation. We take off our hats on visiting an acquaintance. We bow on being introduced to strangers. We rise when visitors enter our drawing-room. We wave our hand to our friend as he passes the window or drives away from our door. The Oriental, in like manner, leaves his shoes on the threshold when he pays a visit. The natives of the Tonga Islands kiss the soles of a chieftain's feet. The Siberian peasant grovels in the dust before a Russian noble. Each of these acts has a primary, a historical significance. The very word 'salutation,' in the first place, derived as it is from salutatio, the daily homage paid by a Roman client to his patron, suggests in itself a history of manners.

To bare the head was originally an act of submission to gods and rulers. A bow is a modified prostration. A lady's curtsey is a modified genuflection. Rising and standing are acts of homage; and when we wave our hand to a friend on the opposite side of the street, we are unconsciously imitating the Romans, who, as Selden tells us, used to stand 'somewhat off before the images of their gods, solemnly moving the right hand to the lips and casting it, as if they had cast kisses.' Again, men remove the glove when they shake hands with a lady—a custom evidently of feudal origin. The knight removed his iron gauntlet, the pressure of which would have been all too harsh for the palm of a fair chase- laine; and the custom, which began in necessity, has traveled down to us as a point of etiquette.

Salutations Of Different Nations

Saying hello with your noses when in Saudi Arabia

A curtsy to the royals

Jacques Chirac clasping and kissing the hand of Laura Bush

Each nation has its own method of salutation. In Southern Africa it is the custom to rub toes. In Lapland your friend rubs his nose against yours. The Turk folds his arms upon his breast and bends his head very low. The Moors of Morocco have a somewhat startling mode of salutation. They ride at a gallop toward a stranger, as though they would unhorse him, and when close at hand suddenly check their horse and fire a pistol over the person's head. The Egyptian solicitously asks you, "How do you perspire?" and lets his hand fall to the knee. The Chinese bows low and inquires, "Have you eaten?" The Spaniard says, "God be with you, sir," or, "How do you stand?" And the Neapolitan piously remarks, "Grow in holiness." The German asks, "Wie gehts ?"—How goes it with you? The Frenchman bows profoundly and inquires, "How do you carry yourself?"

Foreigners are given to embracing. In France and Germany the parent kisses his grown-up son on the forehead, men throw their arms around the necks of their friends, and brothers embrace like lovers. It is a curious sight to Americans, with their natural prejudices against publicity in kissing.

In England and America there are three modes of salutation—the bow, the handshake and the kiss.

The Bow

Customary greeting by bowing in Japan

Kowtow, which comes from kòu tóu in Mandarin Chinese, is an act of deep respect shown by kneeling & bowing so low as to have one's head touching the ground.

The bow is the proper mode of salutation to exchange between acquaintances in public, and, in certain circumstances, in private. The bow should never be a mere nod. A gentleman should raise his hat completely from his head and slightly incline the whole body. Ladies should recognize their gentleman friends with a bow or graceful inclination. It is their place to bow first, although among intimate acquaintances the recognition may be simultaneous.

A young lady should show the same deference to an elderly lady, or one occupying a higher social position, that a gentleman does to a lady.

A well-bred man always removes his cigar from his lips whenever he bows to a lady.

A slight acquaintance should always receive the courtesy of a bow; and it is absurd that you should refuse to recognize a person in the street because you may happen to have a trifling difference with him.

Words Of Salutation

Meeting and greeting others; Martin Luther King, Jr. looks on as Coretta Scott King meets New York City Mayor Robert Wagner

The most common forms of salutation are—"How d'ye do?" "How are you?" "Good-morning," and "Good-evening." The two latter forms seem the most appropriate, as it is most absurd to ask after a person's health and not stop to receive the answer. A respectful bow should always accompany the words of salutation.

Shaking Hands

Among friends the shaking of the hand is the most genuine and cordial expression of good-will. It is not necessary, though in certain cases it is not forbidden, upon introduction; but when acquaintanceship has reached any degree of intimacy, it is perfectly proper.

Etiquette Of Handshaking

Theodore Roosevelt meets a Native-American gent

Says an authority upon this subject: "The etiquette of handshaking is simple. A man has no right to take a lady's hand until it is offered. He has even less right to pinch or retain it. Two ladies shake hands gently and softly. A young lady gives her hand, but does not shake a gentleman's unless she is his friend. A lady should always rise to give her hand; a gentleman, of course, never dares to do so seated." 

On introduction in a room a married lady generally offers her hand; a young lady, not in a ballroom, where the introduction is to dancing, not to friendship, you never shake hands; and as a general rule, an introduction is not followed by shaking hands, only by a bow. 

It may perhaps be laid down that the more public the place of introduction, the less handshaking takes place. But if the introduction be particular, if it be accompanied by personal recommendation, such as, 'I want you to know my friend Jones,' or if Jones comes with a letter of presentation, then you give Jones your hand, and warmly then, too. 

Lastly, it is the privilege of a superior to offer or withhold his or her hand, so that an inferior should never put his forward first."

When a lady so far puts aside her reserve as to shake hands at all, she should give her hand with frankness and cordiality. There should be equal frankness and cordiality on the gentleman's part, and even more warmth, though a careful avoidance of anything like offensive familiarity or that which might be mistaken as such. A lady who has only two fingers to give in handshaking had better keep them to herself; and a gentleman who rudely presses the hand offered him in salutation, or too violently shakes it, ought never to have an opportunity to repeat his offence.

In shaking hands the right hand should always be offered, unless it be so engaged as to make it impossible, and then an excuse should be offered. The French give the left hand, as nearest the heart.

Strict etiquette requires that a gentleman should remove his glove previous to shaking hands, but common sense and the example of many well-bred people sanction its retention upon the hand if there is any difficulty or inconvenience in removing it.

The mistress of a household should offer her hand to every guest.

The Kiss

Kissing can be memorable when one adds the element of surprise!

The most familiar and affectionate form of salutation is the kiss. It need scarcely be said that this is only proper on special occasions and between special parties.

The Kiss Of Respect

Some cultures kiss upon greeting and it is good manners to follow accepted protocol when world leaders meet

The kiss of mere respect—almost obsolete, I am «sorry to say, in this country—is made on the hand. This custom is retained in Germany and among gentlemen of the most courtly manners in England.

The Kiss Of Friendship

Friendship

The kiss of friendship and relationship is on the cheeks and forehead. As a general rule, this act of affection is excluded from public eyes in this country—in the case of parents and children unnecessarily so; for there is no more pleasing and touching sight than to see a young man kiss his mother, or a young woman her father, upon meeting or parting.

Women Kissing In Public

Custom seems to give a kind of sanction to women kissing each other in public; but there is, nevertheless, a touch of vulgarity about it, and a lady of really delicate perceptions will avoid it. I think every effort should be made to bring the practice into disuse.

The kiss of mere respect—almost obsolete, I am sorry to say, in this country—is made on the hand. This custom is retained in Germany and among gentlemen of the most courtly manners in England.

The "Lover's Kiss"

The Lover's Kiss

Not to be paraded in public!

It is hardly necessary to say that the lovers' kiss is never paraded in public. —From Eliza B. Duffey, 1877

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia