Manners Spring from the Heart

Courtesy to older people and to women is of great importance. The absence of haste or noise in the partaking of food and the avoidance of lounging attitudes at the table, are also important.

Good Manners Leave Impression Upon Observers 

Learning Courtesy and Avoiding Rudeness in Manners is Quite Essential

A well-modulated voice in men or women and a clear-cut, distinct enunciation in speech are important facts in an agreeable personality. These can be acquired by a little practice. Courtesy to older people and to women is of great importance. The absence of haste or noise in the partaking of food and the avoidance of lounging attitudes at the table, are also important. In conversation with our fellow beings there are two well-known quotations which may be serviceable. One is: “Three things observe with care: Of whom you speak, to whom you speak, And how and when and where.” 

The other is—before repeating any unpleasant news or disagreeable gossip about any one, to ask one’s self, “Is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?” Sometimes an important statement may be true, but it is neither kind nor necessary to repeat. Sometimes it is true and not kind, and yet necessary to repeat. It is necessary to tell a woman with a baby in her arms if she is about to call at a house where there is an infectious disease, that such a condition exists within. But it is only where there is necessity to warn or where there is a possibility of helping and changing the existing conditions, that one is really justified in repeating and commenting upon the disagreeable and painful things of life. 

People who possess the refinement of good manners always leave a pleasant and stimulating impression upon those with whom they converse. Even in a brief interview in which only the ordinary events or happenings of health and weather are touched upon, the really good mannered individual whose manners spring from a good heart will find an opportunity to leave an agreeable and brightening effect. Dig deep in your heart first, young man, then call your brains, your memory, your powers of observation to bear upon life, and you will need no book of etiquette to direct you, although it may not harm you to read one. – Los Angeles Herald, 1915

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Life's Best Etiquette Teacher

Perhaps the most frequent, and at the same time most annoying breach of etiquette to the hostess, is the failure to reply promptly to invitations extended. The receiver seems to think that if the acceptance reaches the house the day of the entertainment that is sufficient, and yet a little reflection should convince the most thoughtless of the inconvenience of such replies to a hostess. – Photo source, Pinterest

Pupils in the School of Society

THE school of society is reckoned as, perhaps, the best place for learning all the little courtesies and etiquette that make up the well-bred man or woman. Ease, tact and charm are gained in the constant gilt-edged intercourse with the refinements of life, and the companionship of accomplished members of society. A cultured, gracious woman diffuses an atmosphere of refinement around her that is unconsciously absorbed by others less gifted in her arts of entertainment. Self-possession is developed in the drawing room, at the banquet board and in the mazes of the cotillon. 

Conversational powers increase by constant association with brilliant talkers. In proportion as “evil communications corrupt good manners” does the mingling with genuine “ladies” and “gentlemen” in the accepted terms of the words refine and polish even the most-crude and boorish climbers in the social realm. Timidity, that awful bane of youths and maidens just entering upon their social careers, is quickly and effectively cured in the merry company of tactful associates. When Belinda's blushes are pronounced lovely they cease to pain her, and when John's faltering speeches meet with sympathetic appreciation and encouraging smiles, he no longer hesitates, but forgets himself in the eyes of his charming companion. 

Undoubtedly this training school for manners is a wholesome and beneficial institution, which should receive justice for its advantages to the human family. But it should always be the care and desire of its members and followers to keep a high standard of politeness; not forgetting, as is ofttimes the temptation, the simple but comprehensive Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” The mother of one of the most popular belles who has ever reigned in this city, says the San Antonio Express, was asked what was her method employed in investing her daughter with the gracious and engaging personality for which she was noted. “My precept to my daughter was that to move in society one must, first of all, be absolutely unselfish and forgetful of self,” replied the mother, who had practiced as well as preached this beautiful theory. And indeed her counsel may well be taken to heart by each and everyone. 

Society is meant to be enjoyed, forsooth, not made a business of, and taken too seriously, but never to be enjoyed at the expense of another's feelings. “Laugh and the world laughs with you,” if the joke is a kindly and jovial one. Then, too, one should not grow careless in the points of courtesy that require punctilious attention, as is sometimes the case, even with the most careful. Perhaps the most frequent, and at the same time most annoying breach of etiquette to the hostess, is the failure to reply promptly to invitations extended. The receiver seems to think that if the acceptance reaches the house the day of the entertainment that is sufficient, and yet a little reflection should convince the most thoughtless of the inconvenience of such replies to a hostess. 

Especially is this true in regard to dinners, luncheons and card parties, where an exact number is to be accommodated and the desired number filled in if the regrets and acceptances come soon enough for an accurate estimate. With receptions and dances, the answer is almost as imperative, as 200 invited guests must be provided for, unless informed to the contrary. How often has a man’s slowness in response caused an anxious heartache to a girl whose chance of going is dependent on his acceptance. A struggle against thoughtless selfishness should be the aim of every well-bred man and woman. – Los Angeles Herald, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Behavior in Worship

If refined social manners are essential in the home, they are equally important in the house of God. 

Photo source, Pinterest 

Rev. Frank Dewitt Talmage Discourses Upon Manners

Rev. Frank DeWltt Talmage delivered a sermon yesterday upon “Church Manners,” taking his text from I Timothy 3:15, “That thou mayest know how thou oughtest to behave thyself in the house of God.” His discourse was a good-natured rebuke to the lack of decorum among worshipers and a plea for certain reasonable etiquette In the church. He said in part:

“Are you a parent? Have you ever dressed up your little children and sent them forth alone to visit, when they were about ten or twelve years of age? Then you have known the anxieties of a mother or father as to their social behavior.

“Before they go, you say: ‘Now, son, be careful about : your manners. When you enter Mrs. So and So’s home take off your hat and place it upon the hall rack. Be careful and don't handle the vases in the parlor, and don’t squirm on your chair. When you are at dinner, be sure and keep your hands off the table, and don’t spill the food upon the table cloth, and don’t ask for a second helping of anything, or talk with your. mouth full. When Mrs. So and So passes you a plate, say “Thank you.” Remember, my boy, that your mother's home is to be judged by your table manners.

“When that child leaves the house, your mind follows him and stays with him all day long. And oh, the pride that sweeps into the parental heart when, next day, you meet your friend, at whose home your little children dined, and she congratulates you in these words: ‘We had such a lovely children’s party yesterday. And Mrs. So and So, I want to tell you how well your children behaved. Your boy was a perfect little gentleman, and your daughter a little lady.’ Ah, such congratulation as that is as a sweet savor to the maternal heart.

“If refined social manners are essential in the home, they are equally important in the house of God. So essential are they to a consecrated Christian life that Paul wrote a long epistle to his young lieutenant, Timothy, concerning them. In this letter, wherein are found the words of the text, the great apostle tells how bishops and their wives should act, and also how deacons and deacons’ wives.

“But today, instead of my showing how our ministers and church officers should behave in the house of God, I would preach a sermon on church manners directly to the pew. I would try to inculcate the reverential spirit with which our congregations should assemble for worship.

“I would try to teach this reverence, because more and more in this irreverent age there is a tendency to look upon church buildings as places fitted for secular enjoyments, rather than as sanctuaries consecrated to the presence of Jesus Christ.

“The Lord loveth the gates of Zion more than all the dwellings of Jacob. No man ought to place foot in God's sanctuary unless he can do it with the solemn feeling of Habakkuk, who declared: ‘The Lord is in his holy temple, let all the earth keep silence before him.’”– Los Angeles Herald, 1905

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Edwardian Table Manners in England

Oyster forks in the Delmonico pattern – “Oysters are another puzzle in eating. I have often seen young ladies, who from their actions one might judge to be dining out for the first time, try to cut the bivalve in half; and sometimes the results would be very amusing. Oysters should, of course, be eaten whole, balanced on a fork. Then again, thoughtless people will often smother said food in cayenne pepper and nearly choke themselves when trying to digest it.” 

He had been a waiter in a smart West End hotel, London, and had come to Los Angeles, California, for his health. “Speaking of manners,” he said, pointing to an article in a recent woman’s magazine upon that subject while we were eating at the same table in the Vegetarian Cafe, “it is queer the atrocious manners people, even in so-called polite society, exhibit in public, especially at the public dining table.”

“Apropos of what are your remarks” we inquired timidly. “So far as my experience goes,” he went on, “I have seen a great deal of bad manners in waiting on public dining-tables in London, some through ignorance of table etiquette; others because they were careless of the laws governing table politeness. He lifted up his eyes in a somewhat critical way.

“For instance both asparagus and Indian corn should be eaten with the fingers. I have often seen such tackled with knife and fork. Of course, this is not a crime, but how embarrassing it made those thus misusing the knife to discover their fellow-diners using their fingers. What to do with the knife they knew not! They could not very well lay it back on the table and to leave it on the plate would cause them to be minus what they would need for the next course. In such cases, I have often mercifully removed the used tools and supplied clean ones in their place. Of course, I was usually tipped for my trouble.

“Again, olives are usually a puzzle to diners. These should be taken in the fingers from the dish, and eaten between courses. I have seen amateur diners-out place them on the plate with whatever dish they were eating, and frantically strive to cut them into pieces with a knife; and often the olive flies off into a neighbor’s lap. Tipping one’s soup plate toward one is a common error. It should be tipped away from the eater.

“Oysters are another puzzle in eating. I have often seen young ladies, who from their actions one might judge to be dining out for the first time, try to cut the bivalve in half; and sometimes the results would be very amusing. Oysters should, of course, be eaten whole, balanced on a fork. Then again, thoughtless people will often smother said food in cayenne pepper and nearly choke themselves when trying to digest it.

“Then there is the finger-bowl. One would think that this was such a common thing that people knew what it was for. But I saw one man at a hunt dinner in a country house in England actually pick up the bowl and drink the water therefrom, to the great astonishment of the other guests.”– Los Angeles Herald, 1908

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Mistaken “Ideas of Etiquette”

I know one woman of exceedingly modest menage who labors under the delusion that her growing social importance demands that her good-byes must be said in her parlor, even if the has no other guest at the time! Both common sense and courtesy surely demand that the solitary guest should be escorted to the door by her hostess— and even to the front gate if there be one. 

Again, it is surprising how many mistaken ideas of etiquette have gained currency among people, who, while not “in society,” certainly ought to know better. For instance, in churches, you often see the occupant of the end of a pew next the aisle putting his own collection into the plate before passing it on. This is quite wrong; he should pass it first and add his own contribution last. Again, take the question of “seeing a friend to the door.”

I know one woman of exceedingly modest menage who labors under the delusion that her growing social importance demands that her good-byes must be said in her parlor, even if the has no other guest at the time! Both common sense and courtesy surely demand that the solitary guest should be escorted to the door by her hostess— and even to the front gate if there be one. A large establishment with servants waiting in the hall— a drawing room full of guests, or a man caller— make it right for the hostess to remain in the drawing room, but in the absence of these conditions she must assuredly escort her guest herself, if she has no daughters to do it for her.

I once heard a man criticized because he was sufficiently courteous to pull out his fellow boarders chair at table before she sat down and later helped her on with her coat — this without previous acquaintance except, the usual conversation and courtesies of a small boarding house table of six. Of, course he was right — and showed not only his good breeding but his knowledge of the world. It is only the man who cannot be courteous without being familiar, who cannot help a woman with her coat without giving a suggestion of “tucking” her into it — it is only this kind of a man who need fear a snub on such an occasion from a well-bred woman.

In answer to the every day apology, “I beg your pardon” — many persons are wont to reply “certainly”— or more vaguely “not at all.” Both answers are out of place –the first, because it implies that pardon was needed; the second—because it means absolutely nothing. “Don't mention it” is the proper answer, although punctilious people are still heard to reply in courteous tones “The fault was mine.” If you do not hear aright a question asked you, do not ask “What is it?” Say, “Excuse me?” Or, colloquially, “I did not catch that.” If someone comes to ask you something never bluntly demand “What do you want?” Rather say “What can I do for you?” Do not say plain “yes or no,” nor embellish your conversation with “yes sir” and “no ma'am.” “Yes indeed,” “no, I think not” are preferable. – Los Angeles Herald, 1906

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Manners Simplified

The little courtesy of suggesting to an interested acquaintance that you will be glad to see him in your own home, can not be improper. It offers dignified hospitality and suggests friendly good will, so it is kind. It is surely in better taste to meet your friends in your home than at dances or public entertainments of any sort. 

MANNERS are the gracious way of doing things. No better rule for “good form” and “etiquette” can ever be evolved than this simple little statement. Kind hearted people have the first asset toward good manners. If they govern their kindly impulses by good taste and common sense, they are sure to act in a manner that far exceeds “the proper thing” in human value. 

Take the simple question of whether a girl shall ask a man to call on her or not. The little courtesy of suggesting to an interested acquaintance that you will be glad to see him in your own home, can not be improper. It offers dignified hospitality and suggests friendly good will, so it is kind. It is surely in better taste to meet your friends in your home than at dances or public entertainments of any sort. 

And common sense ought to indicate to any girl whether a man is sufficiently interested in her to want the opportunity of seeing her again or not. For most of any question where you doubt the certainty as to what is the proper thing to do, just apply kindness, common sense and good taste. And you will be as well off as if you had studied manners in a finishing school or a book of etiquette. – By Beatrice Fairfax, 1916

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Hospitality at Home

A story is told of an old lady inclined to be stingy, who was anxious to make a great show of hospitality at a small cost. In measured, even tones she would ask her guest, “Would you like a glass of wine?”— then— with brightening countenance— whisper confidentially, “Or would you rather not?” It is safe to assume that in nine cases out of ten the guests said they would “rather not.” 

Hospitality does not consist in inveigling your friends into your house and then making them beg for ordinary comforts. Do not, for instance, ask your guests if they would like hot water brought to their rooms, or if they object to being put on the fourth floor (the daughters of the house, complacently occupying the lower rooms). Have hot water taken into the guest chamber as a matter of course, and, if your daughter happens to occupy the only spacious and convenient room in the house — as is so often the case— have her vacate in favor of your guest. These are the barest elements of hospitality, but even these, alas, are more often honored in the breach than in the observance. 

A story is told of an old lady inclined to be stingy, who was anxious to make a great show of hospitality at a small cost. In measured, even tones she would ask her guest, “Would you like a glass of wine?”— then— with brightening countenance— whisper confidentially, “Or would you rather not?” It is safe to assume that in nine cases out of ten the guests said they would “rather not.” Another breach of good manners is observed in houses where they announce, “We never entertain our guests, we leave them to entertain themselves.” Quite apart from the fact that this is often only too obvious to the guest, this species of host and hostess should remember that at least some means should be provided whereby the guests can entertain themselves. 

Turn your guests loose in your library, let them go to their rooms and write letters, permit them to visit surrounding places of interest at their own sweet will. All this is common sense— but defend us from the hospitality which places us in a chair adrift from a friendly magazine or book, and compels us to listen to family gossip — which we cannot understand— and domestic discussions into which we cannot enter. “In honor preferring one another”— that's the whole secret. – Los Angeles Herald, 1906

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette of Who Enters First

 “The woman should enter first undoubtedly,” insists one. “Not at all,” snaps someone else — “the man always goes first to find the seat.” They are both right and they are both wrong. 

IT is surprising how many people— well born and presumably well bred— are guilty of the most flagrant breaches of good manners time after time, and it is still more surprising how many mistaken ideas of etiquette have gained currency among people, who, while not “in society”— as the phrase goes — certainly ought to know better. For example, there is, the question of who should precede when entering a restaurant, church or theatre, a girl or her escort. “The woman should enter first undoubtedly,” insists one. “Not at all,” snaps someone else — “the man always goes first to find the seat.” They are both right and they are both wrong. 

Circumstance is the sole guide to the etiquette of the individual case. I have seen a girl advancing up a restaurant casting glances from one side to the other as she looked for a seat, her escort meanwhile sauntering at leisure behind her. On the other hand, I have seem ushers, both in the theatre and at church, gravely bowing the man into the seat while the girl whom he presumably escorted, followed humbly in the rear. The general rule, however, is as follows: If waiters or ushers are at hand, ready to show the way to a seat the woman must enter first. If, on the contrary, no one is to be seen to lead the way, then the man must enter first, walking slowly, not too far in advance of the woman he is escorting. But it must be obvious that the “hunting seats” is being done by him and not by her. – Los Angeles Herald, 1906

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia