DC Newcomers and Precedence

Should there be an impasse of gentlemen from the original 13 states, the poor dinner-giver either goes down in a faint or digs up the last census figures and seats them according to state population. — Public domain image of the original US 13 colonies which became the original 13 states of the United States.

 Hostesses Get Headaches At Capital Dinners Over Seating of Guests by Rank

(Editor's Note: Tyrannically ruled by convention, official dinner tables in Washington are more than just a family eating center. Precedence of rank holds full sway when it comes to seating our own and foreign government officials. In his primer for congressional newcomers, Eddy Gilmore of the Associated Press Washington Bureau surveys the situation and adds a bit of advice.)

WASHINGTON. (AP) Lucky is the capital newcomer who escapes unscathed the barbed wires of convention surrounding an official dinner table.

Just to show how serious it is, diplomatic relations have been strained between great nations because a visiting Mayor slid in ahead of a Grand Duke in the march to the dining room.

New Senators and Representatives who are mapping big entertainment offensives should remember that it's not the domestic guests but the diplomats who pack the real social dynamite.

How They Rate

Assuming the President or a foreign Sovereign won't be at the party, here is a precedence list with a minimum of etiquette mortality:

• Foreign ambassadors.
• The Chief Justice.
• The Vice President.
• Speaker of the House.
• Supreme Court Justices.
• Secretary of State.
• Foreign Ministers.
• Cabinet Members.
• Senators.
• Representatives.

The list extends to the near infinity of state assemblymen, third secretaries and visiting firemen, but if the dinner is going to be done up that brown, it's time to start a flanking movement aimed at capturing chefs and waiters.

Headache for Hostess

As innocent as it looks, even a dinner confined to Senators can produce a bombardment of headaches for the hostess.

Here, as elsewhere, everything is based on length of service. But recent landslides have brought a lot of lawmakers to the capital together. Confronted with such a group, the hostess should seat her guests according to the admission of their respective states into the Union.

Should there be an impasse of gentlemen from the original 13 states, the poor dinner-giver either goes down in a faint or digs up the last census figures and seats them according to state population.

Maybe the new arrival ought to chuck the whole business and give a fish fry on the Potomac. — By Eddy Gilmore, SantaAna Journal, 1936

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wedding Etiquette for Repeat Brides

“Elizabeth Post would permit a white wedding dress on brides under 40 but no train, blusher veil or orange blossoms, which smack of virginity redux.” – Meghan Markles’s 2018 wedding veil would not have passed muster with Etiquipedia.

Etiquette Don’ts for Repeat of ‘I Do’s’ : Weddings: Should the bride wear white when tying the knot for the second or third time? Etiquette advisers say OK, but skip the blusher veil.

When it comes to I Do deja vu— and more than 800,000 American couples do annually, according to the Census Bureau— couples are often left in an etiquette lurch.

Most books and bridal magazines contain only a modicum of advice about “encore” engagements, the term used by professionals to avoid referring to his third wife or her eighth marriage. The bride and groom taking a second chance on marriage may be torn between what is considered proper— that is, if they can find the rules— and what they really want.

In “Emily Post on Second Weddings,” Elizabeth L. Post, Emily’s successor, writes, “Recently second weddings with all the fanfare of first weddings have become generally acceptable. Your decision depends more on what you are most comfortable doing than it is one of etiquette.”

There are a few dos and don’ts:

• Don’t mix orange blossoms and crow’s-feet.
• Don’t invite your son to a bawdy bachelor party.
• Do trick your uncooperative ex-spouse if necessary to get your children to your second wedding.

In “Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior,” author Judith Martin summarized in 1982 three basic types of altar events: the “Snicker-Proof Wedding,” in which everything is low- key; the “This Time We Know What’s What Wedding,” which is less formal and more fun; and the “I Got Cheated Last Time Wedding” for those who never had one with all the frills. Miss Manners recommends the second type.

In “Second Wedding Handbook,” New York free-lance writer Judith Slawson offers second thoughts on a second chance at happiness. Don’t try to redo your first wedding. Be flexible; suit yourselves.

One of the most frequently asked questions is whether the bride should wear white. The conventional attire for a repeat trip down the aisle is a pastel dress or suit with a hat, according to Miss Manners. But the attraction of a traditional wedding gown for the second-time bride is strong.

Elizabeth Post would permit a white wedding dress on brides under 40 but no train, blusher veil or orange blossoms, which smack of virginity redux. Slawson advises, “Wear a white wedding dress if you’re still fairly young” and childless. “If you had a large wedding the first time, think twice about white.” Her alternative suggestions include bright colors, secondhand clothes from the 1940s, Victorian dress or costumes.

Usually the bride and her mother plan a first wedding, whereas the second is up to the couple and their respective children. The bride and groom usually pay for the second wedding. Their parents may make a gift to them for part of it, but if they do a repeat on footing the entire bill, then all bets are off.

In a case where it is a second marriage for just one of the spouses, deference should be given to the one who has not been married.

The second time around, Slawson suggests, the mother of the bride could be given the role of hostess at the reception.

Instead of the bride’s father symbolically giving her away again, most consultants advise modifying the format. Post suggests having the bride’s children answer the ritual question.

There should be fewer attendants for a second ceremony, but they should include the children of both families. A grown son can serve as his father’s best man.

Post would bar any reference to the first marriage in the vows or toasts to avoid comparisons. But Slawson said touching on the past is permissible in a re-union, especially if one is widowed.

Gifts are not required at an encore wedding; that goes double for those who gave the first time. — Washington Post, 1992

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Spotlight on Maura J. Graber

  

 

Meet Etiquette Enthusiast, Teacher, Author, Historian and Etiquipedia© Site Editor and Founder, Maura J. Graber of 

The RSVP Institute of Etiquette

The Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia was an idea that took shape in late-2011 after an Etiquette Instructor Trainee was lamenting the fact that there wasn’t a free, online resource, where factual etiquette information could be found, along with the reasons behind the etiquette rules. Maura J. Graber decided then to start such a site. Beginning in 2012, Maura’s first posts were rather long, but there were only seven of them, as she was still focused on a personal etiquette blog, “The Etiquette Sleuth.” By 2013, she had tripled the number of posts. By 2016, she was posting hundreds of articles a year. Since 2020 she has posted many more articles and her goal is to post one new article every day, There are now close to 4,000 articles on the site.

Though Graber offers classes to all ages, working with teens and young adults is especially rewarding for her. She says that they are the most vulnerable to depression, peer pressure, and social media. She also loves to speak on proper table setting and antiques for the table. She is a popular speaker for universities, museums and historical groups. She also worked as a consultant for Seasons 1 & 2 of the Julian Fellowes’ show, “The Gilded Age” on HBO-Max

Below are links to just a few of Maura Graber’s articles on etiquette which you’ll find on Etiquipedia:

• Etiquette and Gracious Socializing 
• Pepper Spray Etiquette
• Savvy Hostess’ Entertaining Tips
• Etiquette, Regrets and the RSVP
• Q & A on Passing Food at the Table
• The Polite Thanksgiving Guest – 12 Tips
• Hosting Thanksgiving – 12 Top Tips
• Ten Tips on the Art of Small Talk

The following is a Q. & A. with Maura:

Along with teaching etiquette, Maura was the Table Top Spokesperson for a chain of 9 high-end department stores in Southern California in the mid to late 1990’s, traveling from store to store doing talks. By the time the chain merged with another chain of stores in 1999, expanding to 5 states, Maura decided her children were too young for her to be traveling as much as she would need to, so she continued her busy schedule of after-school etiquette classes throughout several counties and took on a role not only on-air, but producing news segments and reviews for a local PBS station. Her segments highlighted  philanthropic organizations and “feel-good stories.”

What was the impetus for starting your Etiquette business?

After working a few different jobs in high school and college, including as a part-time, Princess House Crystal consultant selling dining and entertaining wares, working in retail sales and also as a telephone operator, I took a position as a restaurant manager in Newport Beach, and got used to watching how people behaved and ate in such a public setting. It was eye-opening. I felt most comfortable selling women’s clothing and accessories though. I was quite good at dressing women, and soon opened my own boutique in 1984. By 1990, with a growing family, I was looking for an old-fashioned charm school but couldn’t find one anywhere, I decided to branch out again and opened my own etiquette school. I quickly became so busy teaching etiquette, I left the fashion business behind me within a few years.

Fun foods and odd utensils are always on the menu at Maura’s etiquette classes for kids.

What do you enjoy most about teaching etiquette?
I found out rather quickly that teaching others etiquette and good manners is very rewarding in a way that most other jobs and businesses are not. Knowing you have given someone social self-confidence and the right tools to navigate their ways throughout all of the societal pitfalls they will likely encounter, especially as teens and young adults, is extremely rewarding. I have also amassed a large collection of antique dining utensils and have written several etiquette history books, featuring the unusual utensils and their uses.

Maura’s latest book is available on Amazon.– In “Yesteryear… More of What Have We Here?” the etiquette authority, social historian, and collector of unusual dining implements, treats readers to a trip back in time through various unusual objects for dining and living, along with the etiquette and social tools that once made up an everyday life in Western society and many that still apply today. Curiosities spanning from prior to the Georgian era, Regency era, Victorian eras, the Gilded Age, throughout the Edwardian era, up until the Mid-20th Century, which describe in a fond clarity, not only how we once socialized, dined and lived, but how to entertain today using antiques and making simple but unique choices.  

Screenshot of Maura on PBS demonstrating and talking about special dining utensils for those with physical challenges, circa 2006.

What type of classes do you offer?

I offer very personalized, one-on-one classes, along with group classes for children and adults. My afternoon tea etiquette sessions are very popular, for all ages. I also offer classes via Zoom for clients who are overseas, though some people will also fly to Southern California to work with me.

What age group do you enjoy working with most? 
Teens to young adults are my favorite group to teach etiquette, though every student, aged 5 though to 85, is unique and special. 

Which are some of the older etiquette authors or authorities you enjoy reading? 
I love reading old books by Lillian Eichler, Letitia Baldridge, Amy Vanderbilt, Elizabeth Post and Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners, and of course, old newspaper and magazine articles on etiquette.

If you’d like to reach Maura, you can call her at 909-923-5650 or (inside the United States, 800-891-RSVP), you can visit her RSVP Institute of Etiquette website or email Maura at rsvpinstitute @gmail.com or etiquipedia @gmail.com

Talking etiquette at an evening program for the Ontario Museum of History and Art in 2017

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia