Etiquette and Informal Titles

In 1974, couples moving in together without being married was not the norm, so Dick West had some questions… Wrote Dick, “I would have felt a little foolish going up to Goldang and saying: ‘How’s your mistress?’ That might be acceptable in Paris but it sounds much too quaint, melodramatic and sophisticated for the Washington suburbs. ‘How’s your girl friend?’ doesn’t do it either. ‘Girl friend’ is far too casual for the relationship involved here.”

WASHINGTON (UPI) - I ran into Preston Goldang at a party the other evening and I almost said “How’s your wife?” Then I remembered that Goldang and the woman he is living with aren’t married. This brings up a problem. What is the proper way to refer to single people of the opposite sex who move in with each other? 

A few years ago there weren't enough unmarried couples setting up housekeeping for Emily Post to bother with. But now the practice is widespread enough to require a whole new chapter in the book of etiquette. Somehow the terminology previously used in liaisons of this sort no longer seem appropriate. 

I would have felt a little foolish going up to Goldang and saying: “How’s your mistress?” That might be acceptable in Paris but it sounds much too quaint, melodramatic and sophisticated for the Washington suburbs. “How’s your girl friend?” doesn’t do it either. “Girl friend” is far too casual for the relationship involved here. 

On the other hand, I didn’t feel I knew Goldang quite well enough to ask “How’s the woman you’ve been living with?” So I ended up asking “How’s your roommate?” Judging from the look he gave me, that also failed to capture the essence of their arrangement. The nomenclature on the male side of these in-house affairs also is a bit awkward. “Lover?” 

It’s difficult to think of Preston Goldang as a lover in the classical, Don Juanish sense of the word. “Paramour” has a distinctly foreign ring to it, conjuring up visions of Italian balcony hanky-panky. As for “boy friend,” see “girl friend” above. Other terms that spring to mind sweetheart, beau, steady, suitor, swain, sugar daddy, etc... must be rejected as ambiguous or hopelessly old fashioned. 

What is needed is a new title or two along the line of the “Ms.” invented by women’s liberation leaders. Although “Ms.” has its uses, you wouldn’t ask a bachelor “How’s the Ms.?” Until someone comes along with a better suggestion, perhaps unmarried couples who are living together could be identified as “pad partners.” Which could be abbreviated as “Ppf.” for females and “Ppm.” for males. This may not be the perfect solution to the problem. But at least it answers the question of how to address their Christmas cards.— By Dick West, 1974

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia